All language subtitles for Tyler Perrys House of Payne - S11E22 - Payneful Patriarch WEBDL-1080p_track3_[eng]

[music]

Boom!
Your boy just did it!

I said, boom!
Your--your boy just did it!

Baby...

there's a sale on shrubs
at the hardware store.

Ooh, really, baby?
I like shrubs.

Um, hello?

There's a human in
the room trying to have

a conversation with you.

Don't break, Ella.

I'm not breakin'.
Don't you break.

I got me, you get you.

I got me.

I'm not movin' 'til he leaves.

Okay, well, that's fine.

It's all right.
I'll just go into the kitchen

and eat some of
Uncle Curtis's leftovers

and drink some of his beers.

Oh, Curtis is gonna getcha.

See how long you
can ignore him now.

I know I will karate chop
him in his throat

if he touch any of my beers!

Is he still here?

Yes, I'm still here

lookin' at both of
you not lookin' at me.

It's not working, Curtis.

What's not working?

We decided when
anybody just drops by,

we're gonna pretend
like we don't see 'em.

That only works if
you keep 'em outside.

Right, Malik.
So go outside.

Okay, sure, that's fine.
I'll go outside.

I'll take my great
business opportunity

for the Sauce Bosses with me.

-[stutters] Hey.
-Hey.

What's that?
Is that Malik?

You see me, Unc?

Oh, I couldn't see
with these glasses on.

-Oh.
-That's Malik.

Boy, I ain't seen you
in a month of Sundays.

And he look good.

Curtis, that's not right.
You ain't right.

Well, make yourself comfortable.
Get yourself a beer.

What you need?

Now, now, don't sit down.
Just...get comfortable standing.

Well, look, your boy just booked

a five-day speaking
event across Georgia.

-And?
-And I'm gonna be talking to

some lawmakers
and decision-makers.

And?

And we're gonna be
talking about

some really important
topics, too.

Some of my favorite ones--
mass incarceration,

voter registration act,

immigration,
legalizing cannabis.

And again, what
does this nonsense

have to do with
the Sauce Bosses?

Well, nothin' says conversation
in the South like barbecue.

That sounds like I might
be taking a road trip.

Yes, sir!

I got you approved to
be the official caterer

of the Barbecue
and Issues Campaign.

My man.
You hear that, baby?

Sauce Boss is the
official caterer.

There you go.

What I heard is Malik
is your new boss.

Girl, you always
starting something.

That's not what I heard.

What I heard, we were--
we were partners.

No, no, no, no, no.
She heard it correctly.

[chuckles] You're
working for me.

Yeah, I'm in charge of
the trips,

the stops, and the checks.

Uh, subordinate, can you go in
there and get me a beer, please?

Can I have my beer?

[birds chirping]

[airplane flying overhead]

[siren wailing]
[horn honks]

[fireworks whistling, bursting]

[siren wailing]

[theme music ends]

Okay, what's the soonest
you can get here?

Tomorrow?

Well, you need to
change your name

to...Not 24/7

and Not a Mobile Mechanic.

-He a liar.
-What's going on?

Baby, I just gotta get
some work done to the truck

-before we hit the road.
-Like what?

We got a propane tank leak,
oil change, transmission fluid.

Well, that's quite a bit to--

Air freshener,
windshield wipers, headlights.

Ooh, that's gonna
take at least--

Tires.

This is why I said get
something reliable, baby.

Not something
liable...to break down.

Baby, that truck is fine, okay?

If I put a quart of oil in it
and some water,

that thing'll take me all
the way to California right now.

And when you get there--

[knocking on door]
--just drive it into the ocean

and leave it!

Who was it, Curtis?

-Nobody.
-Come in!

Come on in. Oh, hi.

What do you want, Light Bulb?

It's Glo.

'Cause I'm always shining.

And so does everybody else
who moisturizes with lard.

I use coconut oil.

It's better for the environment.

Hey, Glo.
It's good to see you.

[sighs] Hey, Ella.

Uh, I won't bore you
with pleasantries.

I'm here on official business.

I am not smokin' any more tofu

for your Vegans and
Virgins potluck.

-It's an abomination.
-Aah! That's it.

That's it, abomination.

That's the word
I was looking for

to put in my HOA citation.

What did he do now?

There is a half-assembled--
you said it best--

abomination in your driveway.

Curtis, you were working on
the truck in the driveway?

Of course not, baby.
I started on it in the grass.

[Ella] [chuckles]

Then I moved it to the driveway.

The gall.

Here's your citation.

It's self-explanatory.
I'd act on it posthaste.

You know what?

You can take your
little citation

'cause me and Malik are
about to hit the road.

You won't even see
my cash cow rolling.

-And who is Malik again?
-His new boss.

-He's my nephew and partner.
-Lovely.

And he can split
the fine with you.

What fine?

The fine for performing
vehicle maintenance

in a viewable area
from the street.

So what's the fine if
someone's standing in your house

-and ruining your life?
-Nothing.

I wouldn't dare fine Ella
for having to live with you.

[laughs]

[gasps]

Aah!

Ooh!

Mr. Payne!

Aah!

Mr. Payne!

[music]

All right, what do you
think about these slogans?

"We need weed" or
"Yes, we cannabis"?

-Second one.
-All right.

What about this one, uh...

"Voter suppression is
the new Great Depression."

It's all right.

"More schools, less
prisons, equal less crime."

That's profound.

Profound?

I mean, that's--that's--that's
a little strong.

Depends on who the audience is.

Well, Dad, the audience
is full of people

that care about the community,
justice, and education.

Look, I'm sorry, you--
you--you just too old.

Got nothin' to do
with me being older.

You know, some people
see things differently.

Yeah, everybody
in your generation

sees things differently.

Maybe. Some things.

Okay, well, um...

What do you think about
immigration reform?

-That's a serious issue.
-Yes, it is.

I'm glad you said that.

Some people think that...

the borders should be closed.

Okay, now what do you say?

I see both sides,
Malik, you know?

Even the Statue of Liberty says,

"Give me your tired
and your poor."

I say put a cap on the
tired and the poor.

We got enough of them.

Wow, all right.

-Wow, Mr. Payne.
-What?

I'm just saying what
other people think.

I mean,
we all immigrants, really.

Not me. You might be
an immigrant, but not me.

I was born here, right?

I'm supposed to be here.
I'm a Georgia boy.

You can't be serious right now.
Are you high?

Do I look high?
I don't do drugs, okay?

But I know you
wanna change that.

You wanna get everybody high
soon as cannabis is legal.

Look, that's not the only issue.

Okay, what are some
of the other issues?

Mass incarceration.

Mm-hmm.

Some people say...lock 'em up!

Don't do the crime
if you can't do the time.

Really?
That's what we doin'?

I gotta say, Mr. Payne,
I ain't know this about you.

Lisa...

I like to see all the sides
of the argument, okay?

Play devil's advocate.

Since when did you
become a conservative?

-I'm not!
-Wait, so you're a liberal?

I don't do labels.

What I am is a grown man
with a mortgage and four kids.

I do what's best for them, okay?

Not the guy down the street,

the guy in jail,
or the weed head.

I do what's best for my family.

One day, you'll understand that.

Okay, well, certainly
that day is not today.

[music]

Okay, so to remove
the brake caliper,

you're supposed to open
the brake reservoir

to relieve the pressure
from the brake system.

Yeah, that's easy.

Where's the reservoir?

I think that's it right now.

No, that's the brake cap.

How do you know?

Because the last time
I messed up the brake system,

I thought that
was the reservoir.

Yeah, but I thought you told Mom

that the mechanic
messed up her car.

And she told me that having
a child would change my life.

But I did.

For the better.

-How's it going?
-Oh, great, baby.

It's going great.
We're right on schedule.

[unconvinced chuckle]
How's it going, Calvin?

We figured out how
to pop the hood.

-Curtis, call somebody.
-Baby, it's Sunday.

Who I'mma call to fix the truck?
Lazarus?

I don't care who you call
to fix that dead truck.

Just call somebody,
get some help.

Some professional help.

Oh, ye of little
faith in your man.

Curtis, I have faith in you.

I have faith that you gonna
call somebody for some help.

You not gonna do it?

[knocking on door]

[Curtis] Baby, we got it.

I'm telling you,
this ain't hard.

-Hey, Glo.
-Oh, hello, Calvin.

Still engaged to
your, uh, fiancée?

-Yes, ma'am.
-Ugh.

You're of no use to me, then.

Call me when you're
ready to go to the zoo

and play with the cougar.

[nervous chuckle] Yeah.

Back so soon, Glo?

Ah yes, checking in to see
if you read the citation.

Oh, you know what?

I would've read it,
but it was on a hot date.

I didn't want to disturb it.

It was dating a shredder.

Very well.

I suppose that's
where we are, then.

And where's that?

I'm here to help with
your abomination.

You know a mechanic?

Even better!

I know the tow truck driver

who's taking your
truck away right now.

What? No!
No, no, no!

Hey, get your hands
off that truck!

[music]

[pants]

-[chuckles]
-[chuckles]

Lady, you are messin'
with my money.

And you are messin' with my
Subdivision of the Year award.

Now, that truck has to go!

That truck ain't goin'
nowhere until I drive it off!

[laughs] Petey will have
the back end of that truck

in the air and rollin' down the
street in less than a minute.

-Ooh, Petey?
-Mm-hmm.

You talkin' about the guy
that's laying in my driveway

with a concussion?

And I got his keys.

What did you do!?

I stood my ground, Ella.

Uh, Pops, he's getting up,
so you should--

Had you read your citation,
you would have noticed

that your inoperable vehicle

must be moved out of
eyesight immediately.

Well, I didn't read it.

Hmph! Pity.
Had you done so,

you would've noticed that
the HOA can remove vehicles

at their discretion
at any time--

which we are doing.

Glo, is there anything
we can do to stop this?

Curtis has a very big business
opportunity starting tomorrow!

Yeah, he's working
for my little cousin.

We're partners!

There was lots you
could've done, Mr. Payne,

had you read the citation.

That's it? It's just over?

-[Glo] [sighs]
-No, it's not over, baby.

There's still
something we can do.

Ah, ah, there is a man
lying in your driveway

with a very, very bad headache.

You've done enough.

That's why I'm not gonna do it.

My son will.

Do what?

Son?

Don't you wanna go to the zoo?

-The zoo?
-And pet the cougar?

Well, I mean, if
it's a negotation...

It certainly is not!

Son, I need you to
take one for the team.

-I'm not even playin'.
-Calvin!

How am I on the team?

Mr. Payne, this is not a game.

This is real life with
real-life consequences.

You would've realized
that had you--

[All] --read the citation.

We understand that.
We messed up, okay?

We--we didn't read it.

So, what--what can we do now?

Nothing.

Petey and I have have
been towing hoopties

from neighborhoods for years.

We know how to
deal with residents

the likes of Curtis Payne.

So what are you gonna do?

It's already done.

I mean, by now,
Petey has retrieved

his spare set of keys and,
uh, I'm sure he's gone.

With the food truck?

Oh, we're--we're
way beyond that now.

The truck is a crime scene.

He's booted your tires.

That truck's not going anywhere
until the authorities arrive.

Hah! Ta-ta!

[music]

What's up?

I see you.

I hear you.

And I feel your frogginess
gettin' a little too big.

So if you feel like
you wanna jump...

I mean, I would,
but you'd probably just call

the cops on me,
try and put me in prison.

[laughs]

You wanna get into it?

I'm here, you here,
what's up with it?

Oh, you are feelin' froggy?

Okay.

Let's have a grown man
conversation.

Let's do it. I am grown.

-And livin' where?
-In your house.

-And what's my mantra?
-Your house, your rules.

That's right, big man.

Yeah, but what does
that have to do with

your archaic way
of seeing the world?

Tell you what.

Convince me to see
things the way you do.

Okay.

Prison reform, go.

Release all
nonviolent offenders.

How many releases we
talkin' 'bout nationwide?

I don't know, I don't have
the numbers in front of me.

-I mean, where they gonna work?
-There's always opportunity--

Where will they live?
With you?

You live with your daddy and
his archaic ways of thinking.

The homeless population
can be decreased.

Uh! You don't have enough
information to back that one up,

so you lost that one.

Let's move on to
voter suppression, all right?

Every American deserves
the right to vote.

Agreed.

I'm glad that we see
the same on that one.

-We do.
-Thank God.

Yeah. But Malik...

you have to
learn how to dialogue

with different types of people.

See, that's the
problem with y'all.

Y'all don't know how
to talk these days.

Dad!

It's hard trying
to talk to people

that are trying to
suppress the vote.

You can't even get
through to them.

Take it down, take it
down a little bit, bruh.

Look, Dad, I'm very
passionate about these issues.

You know that.

I'm very proud that
you have this job.

But this job is gonna
take you into places

where you gonna try to change
the way that people have thought

for longer than
you've been alive.

Yeah, uh...I guess that
is a pretty big ask.

You gotta meet people
where they are.

I mean, that is good
advice, I guess.

Anything else?

Son...

I see things the way you do.

I think the way you do.

But you've gotta learn
to articulate and inform

the point of view with
people who may not see things

the way that you do.

So you gotta educate yourself.

You gotta inform yourself.

You can't get all emotional

because somebody
disagrees with you.

You gotta be able
to turn the switch

and help them be able
to see it your way.

You can't just get huffy
and catch an attitude.

-You feel me?
-Yeah.

-You're right.
-Love you, man.

Love you too, Dad.

[music]

Curtis...

Baby, what are you--
what are you doing?

I'm going to take my truck back.

Oh, baby, okay.
Don't you think

that you are
in enough trouble already?

No, I think I'm
within my rights.

That's what I think.
Okay, that's my driveway,

it's my truck,
and that's my business.

Okay, let the police come
and let's just talk it out.

The police, Ella?

The police are not coming here
to get no parking boots, okay?

That woman is bluffing
and I called it.

Curtis, this feels
like a bad idea.

The cops would've been
here by now, Ella, okay?

That woman and that Petey,
they runnin' a scam.

Now, I'm going to get
the boots off that truck.

[door opens]

-What got into Uncle Curtis?
-Please.

[chuckles]
Please, please, please.

Okay, who booted
Uncle Curtis' truck?

That's a long story.
It's just a long story.

All right, well, would
he be ready for tomorrow?

He'll be ready--if he's free.

What is going on?

It's too much to talk about.

It's too much to say.
It's too much!

There was a tow truck...
and a fight.

And a cougar.

And Curtis might
be going to jail.

-What?
-Going to jail for what?

Being Curtis Payne!

I did it.

You did what?

I took one for the team.

What team, Calvin?

Let's just say Pops
is off the hook

and Petey and Glo aren't
gonna press charges.

What the hell happened
in here today?

Okay, Calvin, what
exactly do you mean

when you say you took
one for the team?

I went to Glo's house,

and I did whatever
she asked me to do.

Oh, you really took
one for the team!

With the cougar!

Oh, no, she's
a saber tooth tiger.

What did you do?

I cut her grass.

Baby, is that another metaphor?

No, no, no, no,
I literally cut her grass.

Shirtless.

And--and she made me push
one of them lawnmowers

that only John Henry can push.

Is that it?

No, she took selfies.

So many selfies of me!

Okay, Calvin, baby, and
did she say no charges?

She said no charges.

Um, why is Uncle Curtis
out here banging on the truck

and the parking boot
with a monkey wrench?

Wait a minute.

Didn't he say that
propane tank was leaking?

-Propane? What?
-CJ...propane tank...

Curtis? Curtis?

[siren wailing]

[music]

[music]