All language subtitles for Tyler Perrys House of Payne - S11E21 - So Nice to Meat You WEBDL-1080p_track3_[eng]

[laughing]

Baby, you gotta see this.

No, I gotta see-- what's this?

Curtis, what you doin'?

Oh, baby, I thought
I'd give you a break,

so I did the laundry for you.

Why, thank you, baby.

Mm-hmm.

I didn't know you
could be so special.

I really appreciate you doing
the laundry for me, Curtis,

but from now on,
can I do the laundry?

Why, baby?

Because I can tell that you
washed the whites

with the colors.

Ella, you know I am not for
that "separate but equal" mess.

I'll buy you a new blouse, baby.

[knocking on door]

Come in!

Stay out!

Oh, hey, Glo.

Ella.

Hey, what's-your-face.

Curtis.

What brings you here?

You heard there was joy in
the house and came to kill it?

Interesting how the only people
upset about rules

are the ones who break them.

Oh, hell.

So what did I do now, huh?

What, I painted something
some unapproved color?

Played my Al Green too loud?

Ms. Irene been complaining
about me being nekkid again?

I told you -- you come to
this window and look and see

if somebody's home, what
you see is what you see.

I'm sorry, Glo.

What brings you by?

There's a very aggressive
pit bull chained to your

barbecue truck.

A pit bull, Curtis?

And you got him chained?

That's inhumane.

Yeah, baby, he's out there to --

I got a right to
protect my stuff.

This is America.

Yes, you do.

But the dog barks and growls
at everybody who walks by.

I mean, I thought he
was gonna kill me.

That's a good boy,
that's a good boy.

Babe, we gotta get him
some special treats.

Curtis, get rid of that dog.

Take him back to wherever
you got him from

before he hurts somebody.

Fine, Ella.

I'll find Fang a new home.

Thank you for your cooperation.

And I hope you do it soon.

I mean, I'd hate to have to
put up "Bad Neighbor" flyers.

Bad neighbor flyers?

The hell is that?

You know, I'm joking, of course.

Just having a little fun
with Photoshop.

But the dog must go at once.

Yeah, whatever --
let me see that.

Hurry up.

Glo, you got a little talent.

I mean, I never believed
that dance mess.

But you got some
talent right here.

Give me a couple more.

Well, sure.

-Thank you.
-Curtis?

Baby, we almost
out of toilet paper.

Just use these.

[theme music]

Calvin, son, what
are you doing in here?

You're supposed to
be cutting the grass.

Oh, the grass is being
cut -- just not by me.

Okay, now, I spent all that time
mentoring you

on the fine art of lawn care,

and you pass it off
to somebody else?

Mentored me?

Pops, you gave me a push
lawnmower and told me,

"Whatever you do to that lawn,
I'ma do to your hair."

I still got PTSD from
smelling freshly cut grass.

Yeah, but you always
did a good job, though.

See, a little fear
never hurt anybody.

Pops, I don't know
why you tripping.

I've been working all day,
so I subcontracted the job.

Calvin, what you
gonna pay him with?

Whoa, hey, down.

That dog vicious, man.

What's wrong with him?

That's Fang -- good job, Fang!

Good job, boy!

I told you not to keep
that dog on a chain.

That's probably why
he's so aggressive.

Hey, Cal, done
with the grass, man.

Where them pork chops
we talked about?

Oh, they in the
kitchen waiting for you.

Yeah, my guy, all right.

He works cheap.

Son, I'm loving you more
and more every day.

So how many pork chops
you think he would charge

to shingle the roof?

[knocking on door]

Coming.

Ain't nobody home.

I'll get it.

Whoa, Curtis, Calvin.

Watch out.

What the hell are you
bringing in my house?

Thank you, thank you.

What, Glo?

Curtis, I came to apologize.

I should have approached the
dog situation differently.

I'm told that not
everyone enjoys being

passive-aggressively
shamed into submission.

Someone had to tell you that?

Truth is, I'm still
grieving my late husband.

Haven't really
been myself lately.

Not to pry, but how did he pass?

He was lost at sea,
never to be found.

That is awful.

They never found his body?

I couldn't even give
him a proper burial.

I am so sorry to hear that, Glo.

Yeah, thoughts and prayers,
thoughts and prayers.

What is Long Pork?

Uh, uh -- Cedric Long is
a butcher friend of mine.

He gave me this pallet of pork.

I thought you could use it
for your barbecue business.

How much pork is in here?

Oh, about 210 pounds.

210 pounds?

You can insult me
some more, please.

Glo, thank you, for all
of this meat, thank you.

That is so generous of you.

Man, these so good, man.

Good looking out, Cal, for real.

Hey, from the other day,
how you doin'?

Oh, look at you
shining out here.

Blinding people, yeah.

I'm glowing.

Oh, yes you are, you
most certainly are.

Yeah, all right, now.

Let me find out.

You know, you still have to
come by and try my meatloaf.

Meatloaf?

Aren't you a vegetarian?

Oh, yes, yes, sure, but
just happened to have

a little meat lying around.

You let me know if you need
some more meat lying around.

Hey, man, are you okay?

Oh, I'm good.

Just saw my future
baby sugar mama.

[music]

Coming, coming.

Hey, what up, dog.

She here yet?

Is who here?

And why are you here?

Man, come on, man.

Don't act like that --
Ms. Higgenbottom.

Told your mom I was
cleaning out the gutters.

Peanut, what's going on?

You know what's going on.

I'm trying to get on
with old girl.

Ms. Higgenbottom?

Yeah.

You're trying to get
with that old lady?

Look, she's not just a
regular old lady, okay?

I looked her up.

Yeah, she used to be a former
Solid Golddancer and

she made a little money doing
appearances and stuff.

But then she got a fat-ass
life insurance check

when her husband died.

Yeah, I'm about to get paid.

You know what?

I never pegged you
as a gold digger.

Whoa, first of all,
I'm not a gold digger.

I'm just a man who wants to find
a woman with enough money

to take care of me so I
never have to work again.

That's the definition
of a gold digger.

Why are you so negative?

And look, that's not the
only reason I'm interested.

I happen to actually
appreciate older women.

Oh, so she's a fetish.

Man, I don't know what she into.

That's what I'm
trying to find out.

Peanut.

Hey.

Hello, what brought you by?

Oh, you know, I was cutting
the grass earlier,

and I just looked up
and I noticed

your gutters were cluttered,
and it had a lot of stuff.

I said, let me go ahead
and get those gutters clear.

Thank you so much.

Calvin, you can learn a
thing or two from your friend.

Yeah, it's the truth, Cal.

You could learn something.

[knocking on door]

Oh, I got it, I got it.

Why, hello, Ms. Higgenbottom.

Hello.

What a pleasant surprise.

Now, you gotta tell me why
they call you Higgenbottom.

Because it's my name.

Oh, okay, okay.

I thought that's what they
called you in the street.

Yeah, I don't think I got to
properly introduce myself

to you.

-I'm Clayton.
-Okay.

You can call me Peanut.

-Peanut?
-[Peanut] Yeah.

Well, I just came by to
drop off this apple pie.

Oh, you made that?

Well, yes, of course I did.

Let me find out.

I hope you and Curtis enjoy it.

Ooh, Calvin, that
smells delicious.

Thank you.

Glo, you gotta stop it.

[Peanut clearing throat]

I just was in the garden
earlier and I noticed

this beautiful flower.

It reminded me so much of you,
that I just wanted to give it

to you as a token of
my appreciation.

You know, beautiful women
deserve beautiful things.

Oh, well, thank you.

Thank you so much.

So sweet of you
with your young self.

So what I gotta do to
get a piece of pie?

-Peanut.
-What, man?

[music]

Ooh, Mr. Payne, I heard
you were barbecuing out here.

I need to get a
lesson and a plate.

Hey, Miranda.

You're a little early.

I just got my fire right
and just putting the meat on.

Where did you get
all this meat from? Smells good.

Oh, you know the new president
of Prosperous Pines, Gloria?

Oh, yeah, she's
the widow, right?

Yeah, well, we bumped heads.

She talking about I can't
keep my vicious dog

chained to my food truck.

What?

This is your house.

This is America.

That's exactly what I said.

Huh.

Well, it smells good.

I know it do.

I'ma tell you what, she
sure know how to apologize.

Will you look at the
marbling on this meat?

Mmmm.

My goodness.

What if she's
trying to prank you?

Prank me?

Yeah, you said the two of
you bumped heads, right?

Well, what if she gave you this
meat and there's something

wrong with it, just to
get back at you?

That's ridiculous, Miranda.

This is from a reputable
distributor, Long Pork.

I've never heard of him.

Did you look him up online?

Did you check the reviews?

Do they even exist?

Okay, Miranda.

Okay.

Yeah, I might need you to
take off your earrings

and get some Vaseline.

Listen, you know I got you.

I need you to
jump on this broad.

This old broad.

Long Pork...

Ooh, how long till
these ribs are ready?

Uh!

What, what, what does it say?

-I typed in Long Pork.
-Okay.

-And it took me to WikiSpy.
-So?

It says that Long Pork is
another name cannibals use

for human meat?!

Oh!

And I said it smells good.

That's her husband!

No!

-Baby!
-Curtis?

You're alive.

I'm right where you left me.

Why are you surprised?

Because there's a
Jeffrey Dahmer in the midst.

The neighborhood
is not safe, baby.

I need to move.

I look too delicious
to stay around here.

What are you rambling about?

Ooh, Miss Ella, the meat that
that lady gave you all

is human flesh.

Human flesh.

Oh, really?

Mm-hmm.

What makes you say that?

I know because on the box
it says Long Pork, okay?

We looked it up, and Long Pork
is another name for human flesh.

Yes.

Apparently we taste like pork.

That's what they say.

Looked it up.

Who is "they"?

Baby, it's probably her husband.

We need to alert
the authorities.

Mm-hmm.

We need to call the APD,
the CIA, the FBI, the LMNOP.

Wait, I don't know that
last one, who's that?

Curtis --

I don't know, but I'm
sure they got guns.

Do you know how crazy
you're going to sound

if you call the authorities?

Crazy like a terrified fox.

Besides the name Long Pork,
how do you know this woman

is trying to feed you
her late husband?

Because it's the only
logical conclusion, Ella.

From millions of possibilities,

including Glo genuinely
wants to apologize,

cannibalism is the
only conclusion you arrive at?

Well, I guess it sounds a
little weird when you say it

in that tone.

It makes me sound paranoid.

Curtis, you sound
nuttier than squirrel crap.

Hey.

That woman did not kill anybody.

Miss Ella, how well do we
really know this woman?

How can you prove she isn't
serving her dead husband up

by the pound?

I can't prove
something like that.

So you sayin' she did it!

You know what, hold on.

[sniffing]

What are you doing?

I'm smelling for liquor or
either you just plain crazy.

You go on, Curtis,
call the police.

But don't you even look at
me when she sues you

for defamation.

[music]

Is there anybody else in here?

Should there be?

No, no one else is
here, Uncle Curtis.

What can we do for
you, Uncle Curtis?

You know that woman, Glo?

She's a murderer and she
needs to be locked up in jail.

All right, hold on.

Let's start back over.

What's going on?

Okay, you know how she said
that her husband was missing?

Yeah, lost at sea,
we've all heard the story.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, fake news.

The truth is, she murdered
that man

and she been trying
to feed him to me.

That nice old lady, the
one with the dancer's body?

If I hear that Solid GoldBS
one more time.

Uncle Curtis, it's hard to
believe that she murdered

her husband, got away with it,
and you want me to believe

that she tried to
feed him to you?

That's a stretch, man.

Is it really?

Well, she gave me 210
pounds of meat, right?

I went on her MyFace page.

See that big fella right there?

That's her husband.

That look about 210 to me.

Uncle Curtis, that
doesn't mean anything.

You still need proof.

Exactly.

If she really is a murderer,

you're gonna need
some hard evidence.

I got all that meat.

She already said she got
that from somewhere else.

What you need is a confession.

You're right.

We need an inside man.

[knocking on door]

Somebody go undercover
with a wire that can

catch her confession.

Who in the world is
gonna be that dumb?

-Hey, C.J.
-What up, 'Nut?

-What up, baby?
-My man.

Good, Mr. Payne,
Malik, what up, dog?

What's happenin'?

Delicious, from the club?

Hey, 'Nut.

What I'm tellin' you.

I see you, hey.

Mr. Payne, um, Calvin said you
might be able to help me

with some advice on
bagging older women?

Step aside, C.J.

I think we got our man.

Peanut, you remember the plan.

Yeah, all I gotta do is seduce
her and get her to admit

she killed her husband.

Right, but once you get her
confession, we're gonna

jump out, hold her down
while you call the police.

Okay, but like, do I at least
got time to get her

ATM card or something?

I'm down to help catch a
killer, but just not for free.

[knocking on door]

-Hey!
-Hey.

Let the festivities begin.

I thought you was
throwing Ella a birthday party.

Where is everyone?

Is everything okay?

Sure, sure, it's a small party.

Please, let me
show you to the back.

Come on, you lead the way.

Birthday, birthday.

Hey, hey, ooh.

Here she comes.

[Gloria] Birthday, birthday.

Surprise.

Well, well, well, we meet again.

Well, how are you?

Get that chair for you.

Oh, it's all good.

Mr. Walnut, Chestnut?

I remember it's
some kind of nut.

Oh, it's Peanut, the most
versatile of all the nuts.

Actually, peanuts aren't
nuts, they're legumes.

-Legumes?
-Mm-hmm.

Wow, I was today years
old when I found that out.

That's crazy, 'cause
they got nut in the name.

Yes, even though nut is in the
name, it comes from a seed pod.

That's what legumes mean.

Look, I need a woman that
can teach me something.

I like learning
something from women.

You might need to
teach me something new.

Okay, what's going on here?

Oh yeah, you feel it too, huh?

Feeling what?

I have shoes older than you.

But you know what they say,
age ain't nothing but a number.

So is 911 if you
try to get fresh.

Listen, why are you tripping?

Yeah, I'm young, but
I got a good heart.

I got a good spare kidney
in case the need arises.

And I don't snitch.

You can tell me your
deepest darkest secret

and I promise you,
I won't tell a soul.

And what kind of
secret would I tell you?

Anything, I'm all ears.

Maybe you want to tell me
about cheating on your taxes.

Maybe you been
stealing from a store.

Or maybe you murdered
your husband,

tried to feed it
to your neighbors?

I killed my husband and what?!

Got her!

That's not a confession.

You jumped out too soon.

Okay, uh, sorry
about that, y'all.

Continue on.

What is going on back here?

Hey, happy birthday!

Thank you, but
it's not my birthday.

Who told you that?

Well...

Curtis, why did
you tell her that?

[music]

If you searched Long Pork
of Decatur,

you would have found my
friend's butcher shop.

[All] Oh.

But -- why 210 pounds?

Isn't that an odd number?

Not if you consider
the meat was processed.

I'm guessing the hog was
close to 300 before then.

Do you really think
I'm capable of murder?

That's them -- I never
thought that.

You know what, you can stop
your flirting now.

Your undercover mission is over.

Oh, no, no no,
I wasn't flirting.

I'm actually attracted to you.

-Really?
-Oh, yeah.

Hmmm.

Glo, I'm sorry I accused you
of killing your husband

for the insurance money.

I never received
any insurance money.

I had it all
disbursed to charity.

You gave it all away?

Yes.

So you ain't got nothing?

I live off my pension nowadays.

But, you know, I mean, about
you being attracted to me?

Nah, I'm good.

I can get a young, broke chick.

They out there by the dozens.

[music]

[music]

[music]