All language subtitles for Tyler Perrys House of Payne - S11E20 - Coco Parenting WEBDL-1080p_track3_[eng]

-[knocking on door]
-[Miranda] Calvin, let's go!

[knocking on door]

Calvin, let's go.

-What happened?
-Okay, look.

We need to ride out real quick.

Well, where are we going?

You need to get whatever you
need to handle your business.

-I'm taking this.
-What business?

Listen, you're--
you're supposed to say,

whose car are we taking?

I don't even know
where we're going.

-Christian's school!
-Wait, what?

I-is everything
okay with my baby boy?

The principal called and
said that he got jumped

by a mob of kids.

-Oh-ho, whoa.
-Exactly!

We are about to ride out.
Let's go!

What are you gonna
do with an umbrella?

You gonna keep him dry?

I'm about to handle my business!

Maybe you are overreacting
just a little bit.

Somebody put their
hands on my baby?

Somebody put their
hands on my baby!

What's going on?

It sounds like two women
screaming about their babies!

We about to ride out.

Wait, wait, what happened?

Look, the details don't matter.

Just know that we might be
about to hurt some people.

-What kind of people?
-Little people.

Like little people
little people?

Listen, Christian's
principal called.

He got jumped during
a riot at the school.

-Whose car are we taking?
-Exactly.

-Boom.
-Leave your cell phone.

Leave the phone, let's go.

-Wait a minute.
-Let's go, let's go.

What you gonna do
with that umbrella?

I'm about to handle my business.
Now, let's go.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

-[Laura] Let's go.
-Yeah.

There we go.
Now the monitor is all set up.

Now Ma-Lisa and the
twins can see Janine

anytime they want to.

Hey, Dad, I don't know if
you heard about this, uh,

new contraption that
they have called a phone.

Yeah, it kind of does
something similar to that.

You know, they got this other
contraption called an apartment

that you can walk out that
door and pay your own rent

and buy your own groceries.

You know, the older you get,

the more you sound
like Uncle Curtis.

And the longer you stay here,

the more I feel
like Uncle Curtis.

With your baby and your
girlfriend.

So Ms. Payne really
working out of town?

Yeah, yeah, you know,
it's a great opportunity and

a lot of people do
it, so, it's okay.

I don't know if I'd let
my wife work out of town.

Let me?
You know what we call girls

who cross state lines
to get that bag?

What?
Interstate strippers?

[laughs] Highway hustler?

[laughing]

-Determined.
-That too.

That's--yeah, okay.

I mean, we out here working
twice as much as men

just to make half the money.
So I salute your momma.

Wait, so it kinda
sounds like you would be okay

leaving me and your
baby to make some money.

It do sound like that.
That's how it sound.

You mean like men
do all the time?

My dad never left us,
even when it got rough.

I must say, I did
what I had to do,

but I was just doing

what a leader of a
family supposed to do.

-You feel me?
-I feel you.

And women can lead too.

Obviously Mrs. Payne
is leading right now

while Mr. Payne tends to
the children and the farm.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Fire chief, okay?

Nobody's leading, you know?

This is not Little
House on the Prairie.

What she talking about?

It's a figure of speech.
I didn't mean literally.

It sound like you literally
calling me a homemaker.

Well...

But you are.

But I'm not.

Uh, Dad, your wife
is away at work

and your job is to have dinner
on the stove every night.

Kind of sounds like a homemaker.

Boy, I'm a grown man
with a mortgage and pension.

Y'all got me messed up.

Y'all gonna stop
playin' with me.

Uh, what's for dinner tonight?

Uh, I think we're
gonna have beef ribs.

-Oh.
-And, uh, asparagus.

I got some--I got a salad.

Got some thousand
island dressing.

That's good, I like that.
And, uh, I gotta get a starch,

so I gotta run to
the supermarket.

Yeah.

Don't be mad, I mean,
I think it's dope

that Mrs. Payne has
you domesticated.

You know, that's
the last damn time.

We're going to
show these cowpokes

who is running this ranch.

Call Janine. Call Janine!

Hey, family, what's happening?

-Being retired.
-I know that's right.

That's what I say.

[laughing]

[sighs] Oh, uh, baby,
I'm gonna grab me some water.

You need anything
out the kitchen?

Curtis, please,
can I get some tea?

Chamomile.

And I'll take a squeeze
of honey and a lemon wedge.

-You got it, baby.
-Thank you.

Oh, and Curtis?

Can I get my
house shoes, please?

-Oh yeah.
-Thank you.

You want me to rub
your feet for ya?

Ooh, yes, a little
later, though.

Can you do that later?

-Yeah, okay.
-Thank you!

Mm!

Uh, Big Homie?

What in the
housekeeping servitude

-is going on over here?
-What do you mean?

I mean, Aunt Ella got you
playing Benson over here?

-I mean, what is going on?
-What?

Ain't it supposed to be
the other way around?

Oh, so you think I'm supposed
to be at his beck and call

and fetch his slippers and pipe?

I mean, if that's what it is,
that's what it supposed to be.

Uh, you need to
stop falling asleep

on those old classics.

We are not June
and Ward Cleaver.

Look, when did she get
you all domesticated?

Do you know that she could
hear you talking about her?

Like it's 1963?

She's sitting right here.

He is always sitting
on his throne

getting whatever he wants.

What's wrong, Unc?

Is retirement making you soft?

CJ, where is all of
this coming from?

First of all, I
will never be soft.

[Ella] [chuckles]

Baby, you want me to make
you some of the cucumbers

with the dill, like
I did the other day?

Ooh, Curtis, please, yes.

Ooh, I can't wait.

The world is upside down!
What is going on over here?

[music]

Well, that didn't go as planned.

I thought you said Christian
got jumped by a gang of kids.

Well, maybe I misheard
the principal.

Uh...

Well, you know, a gaggle of kids
making a ruckus in the hallway

does kind of sound like a gang
of kids on the playground.

Actually, that
sounds nothing alike.

It really didn't help that you
went in waving your umbrella,

threatening people.

Well, I was upset
'cause you made it seem like

Christian was on life support.

You know, my sister
went through this.

-Went through what?
-Parental hysteria.

-That's a real thing?
-Yeah, she invented it.

Mm-hmm, it's when parents think
that their kids are in danger.

All common sense gives way
to delusion and overreacting.

Ain't nobody overreacting.

[Miranda] Nobody's overreacting.

Let somebody put their
hands on my baby--

-They're getting smoked.
-I will hit a kid!

I stand corrected.

Well, okay, exactly
what would you do?

-Oh, me?
-[Miranda] Mm-hmm.

-They would've got these hands.
-Thank you.

But after I would've gotten all
the facts and details straight.

See?
You're smart. You're smart.

Now my photo is sitting up

in the security
office at the school.

You threatened
the janitor, babe.

Well, how was I
supposed to know?

He had a broom.

Well, it looked
like a weapon to me.

You know, parental hysteria

can really cause a parent to
see things that are not there

when they think that
their kid is in danger.

My sister thought that
it was a bear chasing her baby!

Huh! It turned out
it was just a beagle.

But still, she thought her
baby's life was in danger.

Well, you know what?
Let's look at the positive.

-[Miranda] Yes.
-At least Christian is safe

and it was only a
playground scuffle, so...

Exactly.

I'm really happy that
he's at a good school

that has a
zero-tolerance policy.

And, uh, plus they know,
let something go down,

we gonna roll up in there.

[laughs]

Sometimes you gotta show
'em just how crazy you are.

Hey, yeah!

[laughs]

I'm crazy too.

Yes, you are.

I see you, boo.

[phone ringing]

Oh.

Hold on a second.
Hello?

Yes?

This is she.

What?

Another fight at school?

Okay, I'm--I'm on my way
to come get him right now.

Oh, these kids just don't learn.
Let's ride!

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

I just have to go pick him up.

Christian has been
suspended for bullying.

Can you hand me
my purse, please?

Yeah.

Bullying?

Thanks.

Ms. Ella, thank you so much
for watching Christian.

Today has been such a crazy day.

Who was he fighting?

Not fighting, bullying.

Bullying?

What--where did
he get that from?

I don't know! Probably Calvin.

You know when he gets going and
gets so intense and worked up,

and sometimes it's really
challenging to reel him back in.

Ooh, I just described
myself, didn't I?

Ding, ding, ding, bingo.

My goodness, I turned
my child into a bully.

Miranda, you're being
too hard on yourself.

Now, children are either
products of their environment

or they prosper in spite
of their environment.

Well, which one is Christian?

I don't know, it's still early.

But he's got a long way to go,
and he has plenty of resources.

Well, I'm definitely grateful

that he has two
sets of grandparents

who can help raise him.

No, no, no, no, no.

I just let you drop him
off over here today.

I'm retired.

I was saying he
has three parents.

Laura's not his mother.

Not yet.

But it could be
much worse than Laura.

Ooey, ooey, got
one on your hands!

[grunts]

Christian told me he
was dropping haymakers

on them kids at school.

-Curtis.
-[Curtis] Huh?

He got that Payne
blood in him, baby!

Listen, Mr. Payne,
this is not funny.

If this happens one more time,

Christian could get
expelled from school.

Expulsion builds character.

No, it does not.
It builds jails.

Jail--jails?
No, no, no, no. Jail?

My baby can't go to jail!

-Miranda--
-He can't go to jail!

Christian is not gonna go
to jail.

That's the same thing
Sugar Mane momma said

when she gave him the
keys to her El Dorado.

-Curtis!
-You know where he at?

-Jail.
-Oh my goodness.

[coughs]
You're not helping.

What happened?

Oh, you thought
the OJ chase was bad?

[gasps]

He rode from Hope, Arkansas
to Archibald, Louisiana

with the groceries
still on top of the car.

-[Ella] Curtis!
-[Curtis] Huh?

She is already anxious enough.

What, what?
No, no, no, no...

My baby cannot be in a
high-speed car chase--

-[Ella] Miranda--
- --with stolen produce!

You better get your
house in order.

And get everybody in your
village on the same page.

That's how we've always
done it, Miranda.

Miranda, Curtis is right.

Get everybody over
there on the same page.

Okay. Thank you.

[music]

Connect.
Connect.

Connect!

Play, uh, Turn Off
the Lightsby...

Teddy Pendergrass.

Turn the lights back on!

Turn the lights on.
Turn the lights on!

-CJ!
-Hey! Oh.

Uh, say bro, you need to hold
somethin' 'til payday

for the light bill?

No, man, this--this video
monitor is acting crazy.

I can't get it to work.

-Can I try?
-Yeah.

Lights on all over, please.

Oh, wow, how did you--

Lights on all over, please!

Wow! How did you do that?

The algorithm responds
better to females' voices.

See, the chauvinist programmers
think only women stay at home

and don't go to work.

Oh, y'all think I stay at
home and don't go to work?

[chuckles]

-Okay, okay.
-No--

Y'all think I don't go to work.

-No, no!
-No, no, no, CJ, we don't.

Yeah, no, I mean, I understand,
I understand, uh-huh.

I mean, I change diapers.

-Yes.
-Yeah, I cook, I cook, right?

Yes.

I clean.

But I'm the man of
this house, damn it!

-Chill, bro, we get it.
-Let me help you out there, CJ.

Don't come in here accusing me

of being domesticated,
all right?

Thank you, thank you,
sis, I appreciate that.

-But you are domesticated.
-No, I'm not.

Uh, yes, you are.
But it's kind of cool.

It's hella dope, CJ.

You are cooking.
You are cleaning.

Taking care of four kids.

Working hard and supporting
your woman through her dreams?

Uh, baby, I'm
standing right here.

Oh, baby, no, you--

No, you know what I meant.

Technically--technically
it's five kids,

because we got the baby.

Now, once the baby came,
it's five kids.

I have to start all over again.
Change diapers and everything.

Now, that's crazy,
'cause at most,

Pops had three kids in
the house, and he had help.

That's right! Pops had help.

I ain't have no help!
I had to do it by myself.

You know what?

You low key might be the head
patriarch of the Payne family--

Ain't no low key!
Ain't no low key!

I'm the patriarch!
I'm the one.

You know, huh, it is so sexy
when a man can do all of that.

-Uh--
-Mm!

You see me here, though.

Oh, baby!

Yes, yes, baby, I know you
can take care of five kids

and support me and all of that.

Actually, I can't
even take care of two.

What?
What's that supposed to mean?

Christian just got
suspended for bullying.

What?
Where did he get that from?

Probably Miranda.

You know, she can't
process things well

and she keeps things
bottled in 'till it explodes,

and then you--it's
already too late, and...

Did I just describe myself?

-To a tee.
-Spot on.

That's you.

You gotta get the juice.

See, you gotta rub it
like this and get the juice

'cause the kids like it--

you put the thousand
island ranch on there,

and then it--boo.

You--you taking notes?

Yeah, yeah, I'm taking notes.

You know, when we
were struggling

and the kids started acting out,

it was usually because of
something we weren't doing.

-Like spanking them?
-Time out?

No, not spending time with them.

I had two.

I was by myself, and I had two.

I was outnumbered.

Yes, but you did an amazing
job raising those kids.

I did the best I could.

But it's questionable
what they gon' turn out to be.

It's questionable.
We still got time to see.

And your wife is shining,

and that's some real grown
man ish right there, Cuzzo.

-That's grown man, ain't it?
-Yes it is.

That's some grown man ish.
You know what?

Play This Is a Man's
Worldby James Brown.

James Brown?

Can you get that for me?

I got you.

So, where are you taking
Christian when you leave here?

-Counseling.
-Ice cream.

No, I mean, we can
do the counseling first

and maybe ice cream afterwards.

Absolutely not.

Sugar is the last thing
that Christian needs.

See, this is exactly
what I'm talking about.

Miranda...

Listen, I don't
mean any disrespect.

I can take a step back.

Did the both of you ever know

that I took care of
someone else's child?

[Laura & Miranda] What?

Mr. Payne had another family
on the other side of town?

Was there another woman?

Did you have to have a
woman-to-woman moment with her?

Wait, was this before
or after you were saved?

Was it Claretha?

No, no, no, no, no,
and no, and no, and no.

Just asking.

It was Janine.

And CJ.

Ooh!

This family got some
bones in the closet.

But I'm not judging.

It's not like that.

I was there for them when

they couldn't take
care of their kids.

I just helped them.

It could've been a day,
an hour, a month, whatever.

Whatever it took for the babies.

I get it.

And that's what we do.

We have to nurture
and love our kids,

because nobody else
is gonna do it for us.

Miranda, listen, I know
I'm not Christian's mother.

I just wanna be there
for you as a support system

for you and Calvin.

Yeah, we just have to
be on the same team.

I agree.

And I just thank you
for giving me the honor

of being in Christian's life.

He's such a beautiful,
wonderful boy.

Yeah, I am happy that you
are a part of our village,

because let me tell
you, you were ready

to roll up to that school
and get it poppin'!

[laughs]

Yes!

Listen, I will punch a
bad kid in the ear, okay?

If he wants to smoke.

Listen, anyone who will
ride for my baby like that

can ride with me
'til the wheels fall off.

Hey, so I wanted to ask you.

Um, there's this group
of moms that I go to.

Some are single,
some are co-parenting,

some are old, some are young.

What you think about it?

Okay. I've heard of stuff
like that.

I'd love to.

Awesome!

And maybe we can go
there together, you know?

Grab coffee and--or cocoa

while we co-co-parent?

I'd love to.

-Bye, baby!
-Bye, Mom!

Love you, baby!

[laughs] She look
good, don't she?

Got them bangs covering
her forehead, everything.

She ain't got no
big forehead, Unc.

Man, I miss that woman.

"That woman"?

That woman is my
wife and your mother.

Let's put some respect
on that, buddy.

What I say?

Yeah, Malik, you gotta respect
the primary breadwinner.

I mean, she's got her credit up,
she's got her bag up.

Hey, CJ, she probably
don't even need you, bruh.

Uh, first of all, player,
I'm the primary breadwinner.

And my wife not only
needs me, but she wants me.

Yeah, she wants you
to be domesticated.

Says the man shacking up
with his daddy.

Yeah, you ain't jumped
no broom or nothing.

What you talkin' 'bout?

And besides, if Uncle Curtis can
be domesticated, anybody can.

Hold up, bruh.
Hold up, now.

I-I take care of my wife, okay?

If something--
if she ain't livin' right

and ain't feelin' right,
then I'm doing something wrong.

You know, you was in there
cutting up cucumbers

and talking about
rubbing feet and whatnot.

I'm like, whoa!

[laughs]

Ha, ha, ha, and?

Please, that woman carried my
son all around on those feet.

And she chased your little
bad behind all over the house.

And she paced the
floor for over 30 years

waiting on me to
get home from work.

So, she deserve that and
a whole lot more, I think.

Yeah, I guess I never--
I never saw you that way before.

Mm, well, that's what
the man of the house does.

He makes sure everybody in
the house, under the roof,

got everything they need.

Well, I put Lisa's toenails in
the trash after she cuts them.

What the hell is wrong with you?

-Are you crazy?
-That's disgusting.

I'm ashamed to call
you my son, boy!

Ugh!

What--what's different
from me doing that

than what y'all been doing?

You ain't exchanged
no vows, man,

make an honest woman out of her.

Am--am I the only one that been
down the aisle that tripped up?

Yup.

Look, Malik, if y'all
don't wanna get married,

that's your prerogative.

But you got examples from three
of the best men to ever do it.

Who's the third?

I see two on the couch.

[music]

[music]