All language subtitles for Tyler Perrys House of Payne - S11E15 - The Paranoid and the Private WEBDL-1080p_track3_[eng]

Thank again for breakfast, Mom.
As usual, you did your thing.

You are welcome, baby.
Thank you.

Yeah, Mrs. Payne, this
breakfast was good as sh--

-Hey, hey.
-Oh...

-Excuse me?
-No, I just wanted to say,

thanks for having us over.

[audience laughing]

You're welcome, but the
having you over is not

-what happened.
-Yeah man, you kind of just

snuck in behind me when she
opened the door.

Look man, it was either that
or water and a cigarette

for breakfast.

[audience laughing]

Hey Ma, have you talked
to Miranda?

-Not lately, why?
-Well, she said she was coming

-over with some big news.
-Yeah, like what?

Is she giving you your
manhood back?

Hey, man. My manhood has always

-been intact.
-Not since you been

with Miranda.
That been long gone, buddy.

[audience laughing]

-Are we friends?
-I don't know.

You tell me.
I don't never see you at

-Tito's $2 Tuesdays anymore.
-Wait, is that the place that

I've seen on the news with
health violations?

Yep. Their roaches have roaches.

[audience laughing]

It ain't even that bad,
you're just not supposed to

get the spaghetti though.
Those are not meatballs.

[audience laughing]

Ew. Yeah, I'll pass.

Plus, I got to get Christian to
school early in the morning.

I mean, come on man, we ain't
even went home yet.

And plus, Tito is making his
famous toilet wine and you know

it gets you higher
than a mother--

-Hey, yo, you know what?
-Oh, sorry.

I think it's time for Peanut
to get out of here.

-Yes it is.
-I ain't even finish.

Come on, man.
You just gonna leave eggs

on the plate?
Y'all acting real different

-around here.
-Mm-hmm, buh-bye.

[audience laughing]

-Really?
-He's harmless.

-Really?
-[Miranda] Hello.

-We're in here!

I smell menthols
and malt liquor.

-Was Peanut here?
-Yep.

[audience laughing]

-So, what's the big news?
-OK, you remember I told you

that my boss was being moved
to the Western division?

-You got the promotion?
-Yes, I did.

-That's what's up.
-I did.

Congratulations.
I knew all that hard work

-would pay off.
-And it is paying off big.

I got a huge raise and I know
exactly what I'm gonna do

-with the extra money.
-Oh, you gonna buy me and

-Christian matching Jordan's?
-Um, no.

But I am gonna enroll Christian
in the Excelsior Institute.

-The posh private school?
-[Miranda] Yes, that is the one.

Wait, now wait a minute,

Christian is already
in a good school.

They got me. I've been robbed.

-Curtis, what is wrong, baby?
-What?

Baby, sit down.
Maybe you need to sit down.

-Ain't nobody got time for that.
-Do we need to take him

-to the hospital?
-Him is standing right here.

-[Ella] Curtis.
-And him don't need to

-see no doctor.
-Sit or I will make you sit.

-I can't move that good.
-Well Pops, are you hurt?

I am. There's a great pain

-in my chest.
-Oh my goodness.

-I'll call 911.
-Jesus.

Yes, my heart. I'm heartbroken.

[audience laughing]

OK, Curtis, are you
metaphorically speaking

-about chest pains?
[audience laughing]

Well, duh.
What else would I be doing?

OK, Mr. Payne,
Mr. Payne, what happened?

OK...
[audience laughing]

-I woke up early.
-Yes, you did.

-I was reading on the toilet.
-You know what?

-Maybe skip ahead a little bit.
-I was reading the newspaper,

how there's been a string
of break-ins and when I went

to my food truck this morning,
it had been... defiled.

OK, wait, defiled, you mean
like graffitied?

-No, no not graffiti.
-OK Curtis, the windows broken?

Tires flattened,
doors kicked in?

Oh God, no. The door was just

-standing open.
-OK, so did they

-take your equipment?
-They took something infinitely

-more precious, Son.
[audience laughing]

OK, so if you got your food
truck, you got your equipment,

what could they possibly
have taken?

-My Hokie Pot.
[audience laughing]

-OK, wait, hold on.
-Miranda...

-What's a Hokie Pot?
-Miranda, have you ever had

anything that you loved in
the world just stolen from you?

[audience laughing]
Well, I guess no.

-Yes you have, Calvin.
-Curtis.

-Loretta.
[audience laughing]

-Who's Loretta?
-He's talking about Laurie.

He's talking about when Laurie
took him from you.

-OK, OK, can we stop?
-Ugh.

A Hokie Pot ain't nothing but
an old-fashioned CrockPot

-from the '70s.
-That pot belonged to

my daddy, OK?
He perfected his barbecue

sauce in that pot and then
he passed it on to me.

Do you know how long it takes
for the flavor to sear in?

-My bad, Pop.
-The goodness has been

absorbing in that thing
for decades, and decades,

and decades.
[audience laughing]

Curtis, are you talking about
that ring that's around the

center of it, baby?

I think that's mold.

[laughing]

-That's flavor, Ella.
-OK, baby.

Have you called the police
to report it?

Oh, no, no, no.
I think it has to be missing

for 24 hours before they
put out an APB.

Otherwise, they'll think it
just took a walk somewhere.

Wow.
[laughing]

-I'm sorry.
-It's OK, go ahead.

-Laugh it up.
-So listen, Mr. Payne,

-What are you gonna do?
-I'ma call that Glowrilla.

[audience laughing]

And she's supposed to be
the president of the

neighborhood watch, which
apparently, she obviously

-ain't been watching sh--
-OK, Curtis,

let me know what I
can do to help.

[music]

OK, Christian is all set up.
He is doing his homework.

But listen, do not let him
trick you into believing that

he's ready for his language
arts test, OK?

Before bed, you need to quiz
him on conjunctions, adverbs,

-all of that.
-All right, I got it.

Uh, before you leave,
can we talk about earlier?

-Yeah, about the Hokie Pot?
-Oh no, I say good riddance

to that fire hazard, yeah.
No, I'm talking about this

-whole private school thing.
-Aren't you so excited?

For me, not so much.
We used to play the

Excelsior Institute every year
and they were always some

pretentious, borderline racist
jabronies.

-What?
-Losers.

[audience laughing]

Calvin, listen, things change.
I have talked to so many alumni

and they've had nothing but
glowing reviews, not to mention

it's one of the 50 best private
schools in the country.

You know, most of its graduates
go on to Ivy League.

Yeah, yeah and
you forgot to mention

that most of the kids are white.

-So?
-So, don't you think Christian

should, I don't know, at least

see some students
and educators of his

-own background?
-Of course.

But I went to a mostly
white school.

OK, and I went to a mostly
Black public school.

So, what you saying?
Your private school education

-makes you better than me?
-No.

Listen Calvin, we both want
what's best for our son, OK?

All I'm asking is for you to
have an open mind, that's it.

Yeah.

For the thousandth time,
H-O-K-I-E.

-That's Hokie Pot.
-[audience laughing]

What do you mean,
what do I expect?

I expect you to do your job and
go find the degenerates that

took my stuff. What?

Take a chill pill?
How about I come down there

-and stick that pill up your--
-Curtis!

You're lucky my wife just
came up in here.

I tell you, you gonna
find my doggone pot.

How about that?
I swear I'll come down there.

I promise you,
I'll be down there.

What? I wish I could...

-Curtis, give me this.
-I got to slam it.

-I got to slam it.
-Give me it.

I hate these phones.

[audience laughing]

-What is the matter with you?
-I'm fine.

-OK, good, baby.
-You're right, baby.

-You're right.
-Seen the light.

Yeah, now they gonna know
I'm coming down there.

Curtis, listen to me.
Take a breath.

Take a sip.
Take a chill pill.

-Are you sure you're OK?
-I'm fine, Ella, I'm fine.

Well, you're acting really
agitated, Curtis, going off on

everybody, threatening
violence and making accusations

left and right.
Earlier, Curtis, you said to

the mailman, "Are you casing
out the house?"

He was dropping off the mail.
[audience laughing]

-Total paranoia, baby.
-Just because I'm paranoid

doesn't mean I'm not
right, Ella.

OK, now I'm finally seeing
things clear.

OK, if somebody can come
and steal from my business,

then what's to stop them from
coming in my house, huh?

Nobody is coming into
your house.

[doorbell ringing]

Who was that?
Stay out, I'm packing heat.

[music]

Ooh!

The only heat you got is that
fire wind blowing from

-your mouth.
-Oh, it's only you.

What you got in the box,
a cauldron?

[audience laughing]

Curtis, I told Glow to come on
in when she got here,

with the box.
Baby, get it from her.

-Don't it look heavy?
-She look like she doing

pretty good with it, Ella.
[audience laughing]

-Come on, baby.
-Put it over here.

-Put it right there.
-Glow, would you care for

-some water, tea?
-A chew toy?

[audience laughing]
[Ella] Curtis!

I'll take some water.
Thank you.

Glow, tell Curtis what's in
the box.

They're flood lights.
Ella said your food truck

had a spot of trouble.
If your customers get a good

look at what they're actually
eating, you might not

-sell another cow.
-She had them leftover, baby,

from the event that they had
down the street.

-Here you go.
-You sure you don't need them

-to put your makeup on?
[audience laughing]

-Say thank you.
-Ella, what?

-Tell her thank you.
-[mumbles incoherently]

-Thank you.
-Say what now?

-Thank you.
[audience laughing]

See? Now that wasn't so hard.

Now, Curtis, what can I
do for you?

-You said it was urgent.
-It is urgent and what

you can do is you can do
something about the riffraff

that's running around
in the neighborhood.

Nu-uh, there is no riffraff
on my streets.

-Have you talked to the police?
-Well, let's just say they're

-less than useful.
-Well, Glow, Curtis really

would want you to keep
your ear to the ground.

-Maybe somebody saw something.
-Yeah, maybe you could go

and sniff around down at
the truck like a good hound dog.

[audience laughing]

-Did you just call me a bitch?
-Ah!

-No, I called you a female dog.
-Yeah, that's a bitch.

-Uh...
-No, I thought it,

I didn't say it. She said it.

Nobody wants to come
anywhere near that torture

lab on wheels.
Besides, Ella said nothing was

stolen and there's no damage.
Are you sure you didn't get

choked up on meat fumes and
forget to lock the door?

Curtis, be nice.
♪ You need something from her ♪

[audience laughing]

No, I didn't forget to
lock the door.

-Mm-hmm.
-OK?

Somebody just took something
very precious to me out of

-that thing.
-What?

My Hokie Pot.
[audience laughing]

-Wait, did you say Hokie Pot?
-Yes, I did.

I...I remember those.
Ceramic?

-Yeah.
-Three heat settings?

-Yes, yeah that's it.
-Piece of trash?

Yes. No, how dare you.

[laughing]
And cut.

Curtis, hush,
Glow, can you help?

I'll do my best, but Curtis,
you need to step into

the 21st century.
My mother had a Hokie Pot when

-I was a child.
-I don't think they even had

Hokie Pots in colonial days.
[audience laughing]

-Oh, I don't like you.
-And I don't like you more.

[audience laughing]

-Good morning, Mom.
-Hey baby.

-Thank you.
-Pops, you're not gonna believe

what Miranda is planning
on doing.

Well, does it help find
my Hokie Pot?

-No.
-Then I don't care.

[audience laughing]

-Isn't she your ex-wife?
-She may be his ex-wife, but

she's still Christian's mom.
Does this have anything to do

with Miranda sending him
to that Excelsior school?

-Yes.
-I figured.

I saw you before your
dad came in.

I mean, am I crazy?
Having the Excelsior Institute

on Christian's transcripts is
definitely gonna give him

a foot in to any Ivy League
school, I get it, but...

There are some things
he's gonna miss out on too.

-I get it.
-Well, I don't.

-So you agree with Miranda?
-If there's a choice between

my grandson going to a great,
private school or a school full

of misfit Hokie Pot snatchers,
I choose the private school.

Christian already goes to
a great school.

He goes to the same elementary
school Calvin went to.

And Calvin's an idiot.
[audience laughing]

Curtis.

Uh, I'm right here.
[audience laughing]

Son, come on now, you know I'm
playing with you when I do

-stuff like that, right?
-Yeah.

[audience laughing]

Anyway, Christian's school
has been a part of this

neighborhood for generations.
This community is invested

in its success.
We know most of the teachers.

You know, Mom is right.
I mean, these are people we've

known for years.
Miranda just thinks I'm being

complacent about Christian's
education.

Well Calvin, why don't you just
explain to her what all of it

means to you personally
and stop criticizing

the private school?

[music]

You got a point.

[music]

Ah, there you are.
Awww, Curtis, it's good

-to see you relaxing.
-Yeah, I thought about what

you said, baby.
And then the fact that I

-almost shot Glow.
-With the non-existent gun.

[audience laughing]

Yeah, it's the thought
that counts.

Well, some would say it's
the bullets, but I see where

-you're coming from.
-I'm just trying to get to the

principle of the matter, Ella.
That Hokie Pot belonged

to my dad and it reminded me
of times I spent with him when

he was teaching me the art
of barbecue.

Well, Curtis, no one can take
your memories, baby.

-That's right.
-They can't.

But I tell you what, it's kind
of frustrating to think that

someone would steal
from me here.

Ain't nothing I wouldn't...
Nothing I wouldn't do for the

-people of this community.
-I know it.

[knocking]

It made me angry,
but you know what?

-What?
-I'm gonna let my better

-nature shine through.
-Mm.

I'm gonna be the bigger man.
I'm gonna go high when

-they go low.
-Yes.

-Hey.
-And speaking of low.

-Curtis.
-[audience laughing]

Your better nature.
Come on in, Glow.

-Thank you.
-So, did you find out anything?

Well, I asked around the whole
neighborhood and I couldn't

find not one person interested
in your barbecue.

And the devil is a liar.
And I mean that literally.

Fine, fine.
People do like your flesh

dinners, but nobody's heard
anything about your Hokie Pot.

And the streets are quiet,
as they've always been.

-Hmm.
-So Curtis, I guess you just

need to buy yourself a new
funky pot.

[audience laughing]

-Did she say funky pot?
-Curtis, be the bigger man.

-She said funky pot.
-Bigger man.

She called it a funky pot,
though.

Yeah, OK, see,
I know what this is, though.

-This is sabotage, baby.
-Sabotage?

Are you accusing me
of something?

Yes, you beast master.
[audience laughing]

Oh, come on Glow, admit it.
You ain't never liked

my business.
You've always been trying

-to run me out of town.
-How dare you speak to me

-like that, you old goat.
[audience laughing]

Well, you're the one with
the beard.

-What?
-How about that?

-Ooh...
-Ooh nothing.

-I can't stand you.
-And I can't stand you.

-OK, everybody.
-[Curtis] How about that?

All right, everybody,
calm down.

[knocking]

-Mr. And Mrs. Payne?
-Hokie!

[audience laughing]

Get out of the way.
Give me Hokie.

What are you doing with
my Hokie Pot?

Man, I was out at Tito's late
the other night and you know,

-they got the little $2--
-Wait, Tito's is still open?

Oh yeah, they still open.
You know they got the

-$2 Toilet Wine Tuesdays.
-They still got the

-Toilet Wine Tuesdays?
-Yeah, yeah.

Is Wednesday Carleen
still there?

Yeah, she's still doing
the body shots.

Oh, I know they drip it
low there.

Oh yeah, you know it.
You already know.

Yeah, oh yeah, I, um...
You know, I was a little

messed up and I decided to
sleep it off in your

food truck and I guess you must
have left it unlocked and...

I threw up in that old pot too.
So you might want to...

I hosed it out before I brought
it back, but you might want

to hit it with some bleach.
[audience laughing]

Baby, go high. Go high.

Go high?
I got high before

I came over here.
Y'all be getting down

like that? I didn't know y'all--

Peanut, shut up.
You've done enough.

Thank you.
[audience laughing]

Excuse me.
[audience laughing]

It's still good.

[music]

OK, Christian is all settled.
But please remember to give him

a teaspoon every four hours,
just like the doctor asked, OK?

-Got it.
-Also, you know, sometimes

he doesn't like the taste
of medicine.

He may fight you on it.
Give him a little juice.

-I got it.
-You could bribe him

-with lollipops if you need to.
-You do realize I've done this

-before, right?
[audience laughing]

-Yes.
-Look, before you leave,

can we continue this
school conversation, please?

-Absolutely, we need to.
-Cool, have a seat.

-Bla-dow, turn to page 16.
-What is this?

You know, I realize I didn't
do a good job getting my point

across yesterday.
And I definitely didn't listen

-to you with an open mind.
-Wait, is this you?

-Yep.
-What happened to your hair?

[audience laughing]

I was playing Fredrick Douglas
in the school play.

They wouldn't let you
have lotion either?

[audience laughing]

-You know what?
-I'm just kidding.

I'm kidding.

But that was the same stage
that Christian just walked

across to get his medal for
the principal's list.

-Wow.
-And this guy?

-Yeah?
-That's Mr. Buchanan.

-Mr. Buchanan?
-My second grade teacher.

-That was Christian's...
-Third grade teacher.

-...third grade teacher.
-Cool dude.

He made learning about
Black history fun for us.

-Wow.
-And this.

-Uh-huh?
-That's Mrs. Adams.

She was hired as the school
receptionist when I was in

-the fourth grade.
-Oh my goodness.

-She's just now retiring.
-What?

-She was so young.
-Yeah, my point is,

I know these people.
We prayed together in church on

Sundays, went to school
together, block parties.

I had a great childhood,
and I know this school has

-something to do with it.
-Calvin, why didn't you

-tell me this before?
-Look, I know that the

Excelsior Institute will give
Christian a great education.

I also know that he's
getting that now.

Yeah.

And an important sense
of community.

Understood.

And I was also thinking
I should give the

Excelsior Institute...

-A chance?
-A chance.

-Yeah.
-Before judging it.

Thank you for that.
I appreciate that.

Like you said, things can
and do change.

They do.
So, what I would like to do

is how about we set up a tour
so that we can make

-an informed decision?
-I like that.

[music]

OK.

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]