Original subtitles

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- [laughing] - What's so funny?

- Your post about how gravity isn't real. What--

- Did you even read the post?

- Babe, how can you not be down with gravity?

It doesn't even make sense.

- I see what you did there. I see--

that's cool, that's cool.

- Hey, Malik, are you friends with Jasmine on MyFace?

- Nah. Why?

- She didn't accept my friend request on MyFace.

- Yeah, because you're her dad.

- I block my parents. - Wha?

Y'all don't want to connect and see each other's lives?

- We're family.

We see each other's lives all the time.

- Exactly. - I'm talking about, you know,

the little things that you put on social media.

I'm not friends with you guys either.

- Exactly. We gonna keep it like that.

Dad, parents and children don't make good social media pals.

- I just thought it would be fun, you know,

for us to connect, you know, in-- in cyberspace.

- Ehh, no, no.

- Sounds a little bit like spying.

- "Spying."

- Hey. - Hey, what's up?

- Would you all mind

if I kick it over here for a minute?

- For sure. What's up?

- I got to come up with an ad campaign for work.

I got writer's block, and Pops won't stop bothering me.

- Well.

Take as much time as you need.

- Thanks.

- What's the ad campaign for?

- Curling's Furniture and Appliance Store.

I got to come up with something quick.

Thanks for the peace and quiet.

- Woooooo.

If I see that fool on the street,

I'm going to rip his eyes out and shove them up his butt,

so he can watch me whooping his ass.

- Oh, well, it was nice while it lasted.

- [yelling]

- Pops, what happened now to make you mad?

- Like he needs an excuse.

- Watch your tongue. You watch your tongue.

I ain't in the mood today, Son. You heard me?

That conditioner repairman said

he was going to have my air conditioner fixed.

And guess what?

My house is hotter then Florida's breath.

- What does that have to do with any of us?

Why are you here?

- You want some of this smoke? You'll get this smoke, bro--

- Okay, I don't--

- Oh. What-- what do you need?

- I need to borrow your flashlight.

I'm going to go up in the attic and fix it my damn self.

- It's in the laundry room over the washer.

- Over the washer where?

- It's up top. - Oh, I'll find it myself.

- In the laundry room.

- Yeah, in the laundry room.

Who keeps a flashlight in the laundry room?

- So tell me more about this ad, man.

- Oh, well, I want to make it something memorable.

Something that'll go viral.

- Oh, you should use a mascot.

You know, like that insurance company uses a lizard.

- That's not a bad idea. Like what, though?

- CJ? You got another light?

This one don't work.

[yelling]

I can't see. I can't see at all!

[mutters angrily]

- Uncle Curtis, please.

You are embarrassing yourself.

- No no no, stay mad, Pops.

Show that flashlight who's boss.

- You brought it on yourself.

- CJ, thank you so much for letting Christian come over

for a play date, because if I had to watch

Moana one more time, I was going to jump out of a window.

- Hmmm. Hmmm. You're welcome. - And--

And I um... might land on your car when I do.

- You say something?

- Okay.

CJ, what are you doing?

- Making a profile for MyFace.

- But you already have a profile.

We follow each other.

- I'm making a new one with a fake profile.

- That's called catfishing.

- I ain't said anything about fishing.

I'm just making a fake social media profile

to trick some people.

- Uhhh, that is exactly what catfishing is.

Let me see this.

CJ.

Who is Dana Ray?

- That's my undercover profile.

Dana.

Holla.

- I think we need to have a serious talk.

Why are you pretending to be a woman online?

- Malik, Jasmine and Lisa would not accept my friend request

on MyFace, so...

I came up with Dana Ray.

- CJ, What makes you think they want to be friends with her?

- What's wrong with Dana?

She's cute.

She likes quinoa, just like Jasmine.

- Okay, listen.

These are grown people.

- Grown people in my pocket,

and anybody that I feed, I follow.

If you lived in here, I'd be following you.

You will get Dana, and you'll be like, who is that?

All of a sudden,

CJ is right there because you'd be in my pocket.

Hey-- - [computer chimes]

- Look at that.

Jasmine just accepted Dana.

Hey, girl.

- All right.

Take one.

Pops, come here, quick.

- Who wants some? Who wants some?

- Check out who just moved across the street?

- Why are you out here yelling like you done lost your mind?

- Look, check it out.

- It's a bunch of hipsters and college dudes.

- So what?

- Wait, that doesn't bother you, gentrification?

I mean, pretty soon we won't be

able to afford the neighborhood that we live in.

- Calvin, that just means if I sell the house,

I get a nice, big fat check.

Well, I don't believe in all that gentrification mess.

Okay, nobody take nothing from you unless you let them.

You know what?

You need to stop being afraid of progress, Son.

I mean hell, we need more of them to move in.

Then I can buy a brand-new air conditioning unit.

You heard it.

- Yeah, I hear you, Pops.

I just thought you would care. Look, I'm going to go get

something to eat from Burger Boys.

You want something?

- Burger Boys?

Nasty as that food is,

they need to call them Booger Boys.

Just go over to Smitty's.

The food is way better, and the waitresses are much cuter.

Don't tell your momma I said that. Snitch.

- Oh, uh...

Well, Smitty's closed, Pop.

- Smitty's what?

- Oh, yeah, they--they shut down a few days ago.

They're opening a Salad Barn.

- Salad Barn?

Who the hell asked for a Salad Barn?

- I know, right?

And--and all they're serving is vegan food.

- What? Do you see any grass eaters in this neighborhood?

- Don't that make you angry? - Oh, I'm angry.

Matter of fact, I should go down there

and make them fry me a salad.

- You do that.

- I wish a vegan would give me the side eye.

I'll beat him like a crooked cop!

You heard me.

- Oh, yeah, you do that. Hey hey, you do that.

- I don't need that. I got these iron fists.

- Oh, wait, wait, wait. Wait, what you say?

- I said I got these iron fists.

I got back up these iron fist. You heard it.

- I like it. You go get them, Pops. You go get them!

Yes! And cut.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

I'm glad you liked my new ad campaign.

Yeah, he--he is a colorful fellow.

Okay, great, great.

So I have a new reel for you next week.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

Yes! - Curtis! Baby!

You are too old to climb on that roof.

- Maybe, but I can't take any more of this heat.

I studied a couple of them

YouTube videos so I can fix this thing.

You just send me some food on a rope.

- Don't know what I'm going to do with you.

- He does not listen to anybody ever.

- What are you up to?

- Oh me? I just got off the phone with my boss.

He loves the ad campaign I came up with.

- Oh, what's it about?

- It's about a guy who has a bad

attitude and he takes it out on the competition.

- Sounds funny. Can't wait to see it.

- WOMAN: At Curling's Furniture and Appliance Store,

we hate high prices.

Just ask Grumbly, the head of our low prices department.

What do you think of overpriced inventory, Grumbly?

- CURTIS: Makes me want to put my hands on something.

- WOMAN: That's our Grumbly.

Hey Grumbly, what are you going to do to the competition?

- CURTIS: I'll beat them like a crooked cop.

- WOMAN: We don't believe in violence.

At Curling's Furniture and Appliance,

the only thing we beat is the competition.

- Thank you and your bad attitude, Pops.

- Yeah, you're going to see

my bad attitude in about 3 seconds,

if you don't tell me what the hell is going on.

- I was scared that if I didn't

come up with something, they would fire me.

So I took clips of you blowing

your stack and I put it in my ad.

- I don't know, Calvin.

Anybody that would make a fool

of their daddy on the interweb is capable of anything.

- I'm sorry, Pop.

I didn't know it would become so popular.

- [grunts]

Popular, you said?

- Well, yeah, you're a viral hit.

- Let me see that thing. Let me see that.

- Read these comments.

- What's it say? What's it say.

"OMG. I love Grumbly." Who the hell is Grumby?

- You, Pop.

- "Grumbly for President."

- Look, Pops, I had no business sharing your image for my ad.

I'll take it down and call my boss.

- What the--boy!

What, did you have a bowl of stupid for breakfast?

You better not take that ad down.

We're going to capitalize on my stardom.

- What are you talking about?

- You used me.

So now I'm going to use you.

- Huh? - We're going to make

Curtis Wipe Me Down Barbecue Sauce as famous as Grumbly.

You heard it or my name ain't the Sauce Boss.

- Oh, okay. [grunts]

- Hey, babe. - Hello.

- You need some help? - No, it's okay.

I already called the hernia

in the driveway. It's fine. Go ahead.

Keep watching your little show.

- Oh you know, we're just watching Naked and Afraid and

Lisa doesn't really care until the people get afraid.

She doesn't worry about the naked part.

- Wait, you like it better when they're scared?

- That's the best part. I mean,

I already worked at a strip club.

I don't need to see anybody else naked.

- [phone dings]

- This chick.

- Is everything okay?

- Man, I let this random girl

follow me on MyFace and now she's all up in my business.

She one of your sister's friends.

- That's weird.

Oh, um, what's her name?

- Uhhh, Dana Ray.

- Ohhhh.

- Wait, do you know her?

- Well, yes and no.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- She isn't a her.

- So what? She's not gender-conforming.

No big deal. I'm a progressive millennial.

- That's--that's not it.

- Then what is it? Is she a psycho?

- Spill the tea.

- Alright, y'all, it's CJ.

- Say what? - Say what?

- Yes, I was here earlier today,

and he created this Dana Ray profile.

- Nah, he wouldn't do that.

- He would've 100% do that.

- He made it because you guys wouldn't follow him.

- Wait, let me see if I have a request

from this--who what-- Dana Ray or something?

- Yes.

- Do you?

- Yeah, I do.

Man, he is corny.

- Listen, I'm sorry.

I should have told you guys sooner.

He just thought he was being so sneaky.

- You know what? Let me call Jasmine.

Hey, what's up, Jasmine? Yeah.

Do you have a MyFace friend request from a profile

named Dana Ray?

Yeah, yeah, that's Dad.

Exactly.

He's mad because we won't accept his friend request.

I know, it's crazy.

Hold on.

Let's teach him a lesson.

Yeah, yeah, don't worry, don't worry.

We're going to get him back. It's going to be good.

- What in the B.E.T is going on in here?

- Ask your uncle.

- Unc, you got something you want to tell me, man?

- Come here, I need you to be in my commercial

for my barbecue sauce. Thank you, CJ.

- How can you afford a commercial?

- He can't. He hijacked my campaign.

- Not hijacked, piggyback. You see, I'm going to promote

my barbecue sauce while he secretly films me.

- You know, Pops, if you ask me, you're putting too much on this.

I mean, people fell in love

with the spontaneity of your character, the rawness.

Now you look like every other product spokesperson.

- Now, look, you created this rocket ship.

Don't get mad because it wants to fly amongst the stars.

- [phone dings]

- What the? - What's wrong, baby?

- Well, Jasmine is auditioning for a low-budget passion movie.

She says she wants to drop out of college and do this instead.

- I can't believe it... Telling you that?

- Well, she doesn't know that she's talking to me.

She thinks she's talking to one of her girlfriends.

- Okay, I know I say this more often than I should.

I am confused.

- Well, I created a fake social media page because Malik

and Jasmine wouldn't accept my friend request on MyFace.

So I created this so that I could--

- Spy?

- Look into their lives. - [phone dings]

- Spy.

- Wha-- Jasmine is getting a tattoo

of a boy's name on her-- what the hell?

- [laughing]

That's what you get.

- Okay, well, I guess I got to do this myself.

Let's roll camera.

Come on, set it up.

Let's do this.

- [laughing] - Let's do this.

- [laughing]

- Okay, baby, make me mad.

- Well, Calvin told me about the waitresses down in Smitty's.

- Shhhhhh.

- What?

What you've--you snitch! You've been snitching?!

- No no no, she already knew that.

- Right. I see you peeking at the little waitresses

every time we go down there, Curtis.

- You ain't see me peeking at nobody.

Please stop that mess.

If anything, I was looking for some delicious barbecue...

sauce.

Something smoky and sweet.

Something like...

Curtis's-- Curtis the Sauce Boss...

Wipe Me Down barbecue sauce.

- Malik!

Malik!

- Dad, why are you yelling?

- Hey hey, good son, I'm glad you're here.

I'm glad you're here. Okay. We need to talk

- Why? What's wrong?

- When is the last time you talked to your sister?

- Uhh, couple days ago. Why, what's up?

- Did--did she say anything about any plans,

you know, anything about school or anything like that?

- No. Last time we talked,

she was going to get lunch with Mom, and she wanted me

to drop her off, but Mom ended up coming to pick her up so...

- Okay. Uh huh. - What's up?

- Uh.

When did she start acting?

- Wha--acting up? Acting out?

Like, what are you talking about, man?

- Where would your sister get a tattoo?

- Well, I think the next one was supposed to be on her thigh.

Supposed to be like a tiger or something.

- The next one?

- Yeah, because she already has a dragon.

It starts down here at her back and the dragon blowing fire down

her leg and then tails, like, wrapped all around here.

- Are you playing with me, boy?

- Man, why would I be playing with you about

something like that? You need to take a nap, man.

What's wrong with you?

Man, you're becoming a little bit unhinged.

Now, look, I'm just a little

confused as to, um, how did you find out about all this?

- Well, uh,

she didn't exactly tell me, per se.

- Ohh.

So she didn't tell you exactly.

So you saw it somewhere?

- Somewhere somewhere like what?

- I don't know.

I'm asking you. How did you find out about it?

Did you see it?

Specific place or something?

- No. How can I see it?

- I don't know. That's why I'm asking you.

- No, there's nowhere for me to see it.

- You sure? - Yeah.

- Dammit, you are no help

and you know what? I'm going to call Jasmine myself.

- Okay.

Just make sure you talk to her before she gets the piercing.

- CJ: The what? The piercing?

- Grumbly should change his name to Hoover because he sucks.

Grumbly looks like he brushes

his teeth with that barbecue sauce.

- That's a troll. A troll.

- Grumbly should take that bottle and stick it up his--

- Ooh! - Oh, damn.

Oh, it's my boss.

Shh.

Hey, Mr. Gillary. How are you doing, sir?

Yes, sir, I understand.

Uhh...

No, I can't explain why Grumbly

suddenly started talking about barbecue sauce.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. I'll reach out right now.

Thank you, sir.

- Do they want to give me a three-picture deal?

- No. My boss wants me to get rid

of Grumbly and reach out to a YouTuber who lays

in a bathtub of milk and cereal and eats it.

- Ew.

- That is the dumbest thing I've heard of.

- Welp.

I guess there's only one thing for me to do.

- Where.. where are you going, baby?

- I'm going to pick up about 40 gallons of Lactaid

and a whole bunch of Fruity Pebbles.

I'm holding on to my 15 minutes of fame.

You heard me.

- I can't believe you guys.

I'm a cool dad.

- Y'alright.

- You know the crazy thing is? - What?

- Your mom is on your side.

She's mad at me for spying on you guys.

- She's right. Man, what you did was shady.

- Shady?

I love you guys. I'm your dad.

I want to be in your life.

- Look, we love you, too, Dad.

And you will always be a part of our life.

- Thank you, Son.

- Just not our social media life.

- Oh, that's mean. So mean.

- Dana Ray? Really, Dad?

- Thought Dana Ray was pretty cool.

- ♪

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