Original subtitles

- ♪

- I'm late. So what?

Did y'all start the intervention yet?

- What intervention?

Look, if this is about canceling my OnlyFans subscription,

I'm divorcing y'all too.

- This is ridiculous. - Please do.

I tried to convince your momma to put you up for adoption.

She wouldn't listen. She's too "stubron."

- Love you too, Pops. Now, what is this about?

- It's about your decision-making.

- Or lack thereof.

- Will you all just spit it out?

Quit beating around the bush!

Calvin...stop being a dummy.

Huh? Can I say it like that?

You're blinded by love, boy!

You're a sucker for love, Calvin!

- Wait a minute. This is about Laura?

I thought y'all liked Laura.

- Why the hell would you think that?

- We do, we do.

But, uh, this is more about you, homie.

- I mean, we all know when it comes to women,

your decision-making isn't the smartest.

- Okay, again, Malik? You raw-dogged a stripper.

- I'mma be quiet over here.

- See, we--we just wanna make sure that you didn't ask Laura

to marry you to get Miranda off your back.

You know, it all seems so sudden.

- Don't you wanna enjoy your freedom?

- Be the Calvin you used to be.

- Release your built-up aggression.

- [chuckles] Oh, I've been releasing it.

- Yeah, I notice your forearm is bigger.

Pops, will you chill out? I'm talking about with Laura.

- MALIK: TMI. TMI, man, come on.

- Take it from us who don't have the luxury of being single.

Have some fun, sow your wild oats! You know?

Before you get into something so serious.

- Yeah. You used to be so cool. You had a collection of women.

- He did, didn't he? - MALIK: He did!

- I did, I did. I did have one.

- I mean, where is that Calvin?

That's the Payne man we know.

- Yeah, yeah.

- I'm still that Calvin.

I'm just new and improved.

- [scoffs]

Blasphemy!

Look at you!

You still got that old dad bod!

Have you even been working out?

I know the real Calvin is deep down in there.

He's dying to get out. And we all wanna see.

You can turn this around! You can do this for us!

You could be that little thot that we all know!

What would Pookie and Peanut say? Huh?

What would they say?

- CJ: Malik? - Yeah?

- Sorry 'bout that. A little too much?

- Yeah. - Okay.

- Yeah. - Sorry 'bout that.

My passion always gets to me.

- No, no, no. You're right.

The man that I was then isn't who I am now.

It's just...I've been there and done that.

It gets old.

- But you just said you had an OnlyFans account.

I mean, how old can it be?

- Okay, but looking is different than touching.

I'm not touching 'em.

- Yeah, but you're paying.

- Y'all are tripping.

All I'm saying is tiger blood still runs through these veins.

It's just-- - Rawr!

- Rawr!

It's just, you know,

I'm more focused than I've ever been.

Laura's the one.

I'm done. Y'all will see.

Now, you may not know Laura that well,

but I'm in love with her.

This is where the buck ends. I'm sure about that.

- [yelps] That was a good one.

- ♪

♪♪

- What do you mean you left me some inspiration?

[yelps]

Uh, yeah, you really

kicked it into overdrive over here.

No, yeah, yeah, yeah. This definitely gives me an idea

of the style you're going for.

Cool. The lace? Lace?

Uh...yeah, it's girly.

The pearls? Pearls, pearls, pearls.

Oh, oh, the pearls. Ah, okay, all right, yeah.

The diamonds? Okay, baby, look.

I'm...I'm the type that'd rather be surprised

when you walk down the aisle.

But you know what, you know what?

My mom, my mom.

She really loves stuff like that.

You should call her. Uh-huh, uh-huh.

- [knocking at door]

- Oh, shoot. Look, uh, babe, I gotta go.

But we will definitely continue this conversation

when you get back, okay?

Mm-hmm, love you, bye bye.

Uh, uh, one moment, one moment.

Uh...

Oh, wow! Woo-hoo!

- Calvin? - Hey, yeah.

- Victoria. Pleasure to meet you.

Did you forget that we were meeting today?

- Wow. - [stomps foot]

- You're my Realtor?

- Once you sign the agreement, we're official.

- Oh, well, come in. - Thank you.

And congrats on your prequalification.

I am telling you, that is half the battle.

- Oh, well, it's the tail end that I'm worried about.

- I'm sorry? - Oh, yeah, your backside.

I mean, I mean, the backside of the process, you know?

It's a long process.

It's...get worried about it, uh-huh.

Look, I'm sorry.

I'm just really excited to work with you.

- Oh, likewise, Calvin. This is for you.

A new client welcome, plus a celebratory gift for your

prequalification.

- Wow, that's amazing.

You know, uh, with my recent divorce process,

it's definitely heightened my appreciation for wine,

that's for sure.

- Well, this is my favorite.

And from one divorcee to another,

I know the feeling of wanting a fresh start.

Or bottle.

- [chuckles] You can say that again.

- Well, uh, let's get started!

- Oh, well, let's, yeah! Yeah.

- Calvin, it's 11:00 AM.

I was talking about the paperwork.

- Oh, that! Yes, the paperwork, paperwork.

Okay, mm-hmm. What was I thinking?

All right. - All right, yes, okay.

So you're gonna fill this out.

Uh, sign here.

Um...yeah.

Woo, your condo is lovely.

Whenever you're ready, I am sure I can sell it.

- Oh, well, I'll buy it.

- Come again?

- Oh, the condo. The condo, that is.

If you're selling it, I would buy it.

- [laughs]

- Look, wow, I'm sorry.

Everything is just coming out wrong.

It's just you're really attractive.

- Well, thank you, uh, Calvin.

That was unexpected.

- Really? - Well, yeah.

I'm old enough to be your mother.

- Well, age ain't nothin' but a number.

- [laughs] All right, well, uh...

Oh, you forgot to sign there.

- Oh, I got distracted, I'm sorry.

Uh, sign... - Yeah.

Well, uh, yeah, I am looking forward to this relationship,

this business relationship.

- Business?

- [sighs] Calvin, you are really charming.

I don't see why a girl in her right mind would wanna divorce

a guy like you.

- Thank you, Victoria. That means a lot.

- Well, I have a--a few showings to get to,

so I better get going, young man.

I'll get some options of what's available on the market

and I'll send them your way this evening.

- Whoa, whoa, uh, hey.

Why don't you just bring 'em by later?

I mean, I can't enjoy

your favorite bottle of wine without you.

- Calvin, I, I--

- I'll cook for you.

- You're gonna cook for me? - Yeah.

- Okay. Sure. Why not?

- Okay, let's, uh, say 7:30?

- Okay, I'll see you then.

- Okay. Well, let me get that for you.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

You be breezy! See you later.

Whoo. Okay,

maybe it's almost out of my system.

- Nothin'! Nothin'! - Curtis.

- I was about to eat a lemon. About to eat a lemon, Ella.

Oh my god, finally. - Hi, baby.

- Baby, it's 12:53--12:54.

- Curtis, take these bags.

- I got 'em. - And what's your point?

- 12 noon. Lunch is at 12 noon.

It's universal. Everybody know that, baby.

- I was out getting you groceries.

- Well, I hope you got something in here already cooked, Ella.

What you got in here?

What the...

Okay, here's some cold cuts, turkey.

Can make that happen. Let me see.

Okay, you got bread. It's better toasted.

I like mine toasted. Uh...

One thing I'm missing, babe. I don't see it.

- Curtis, what are you looking for?

- Your hands making my sandwich.

- Just let me rest a minute. Just a minute.

- You can rest while the bread is toasting, Ella.

Multitask, multitask.

- Not only was I out grocery shopping for you,

but I had to listen to Laura

and her ridiculous wedding plans.

Do you know that that girl is over in Birmingham shopping

for wedding dresses already?

- Baby, where's the sea bass? You forgot the sea bass?

- Curtis, are you listening?

- Oh, here. It was sitting right here.

- You're not listening.

- If it was a worm, it would've bit me.

- Okay, baby, how did the intervention go?

I am concerned.

- My memory's foggy. And my vision is blurred.

I can't--I can't--I can't have no long conversations

without something in my stomach.

- I asked you a simple question. - Yeah, but my simple answer

is a ripple to the wave of your.....

I think Calvin's getting married too soon,

and I don't know about Laura yet, and I gotta talk to God,

and blah, blah, blah.

- [unintelligible]

- CURTIS: Thank you. That's all I need.

Thank you.

- Hey, baby. - Hey, Mom.

- You are your father's child.

- I'm sorry, Ma, for being rude.

- [laughs]

- But you might save me a trip to the grocery store.

- Laura goes away for one day and you don't know what to do.

You are definitely your father's child.

- You done with this bag?

- Yes, Calvin, you can take it.

- Ooh! Is this sea bass?

- Yes, it is.

Calvin, no! No, no, no.

Your father has been wanting sea bass since last week.

- Mom, relax, okay?

By the time he realizes it's gone, it'll be too late.

- Suit yourself. You have been warned.

Oh, Calvin? Why are you over here

raiding my kitchen when you could just go

to the grocery store and get your own groceries?

- It's like old times. The old me.

Apparently that's been missing, so...

- Well, you sure have been through your share of, uh...

You know what? Mm-mm,

it's just good to see you in a good mood, baby.

- Thanks, Momma.

- You're welcome. Mwah, mwah, mwah.

Mwah, now get on out of here

before your dad comes back in here

for this sandwich and realizes that you have taken his food.

- You're right.

- Curtis, come and get your sandwich, baby.

- Oh, finally!

Uh, bread's not toasted. It's okay.

Hey, baby, I mapped out dinner for you.

We're gonna have the sea bass with the garlic

and the herb butter sauce.

Isn't that what you do?

And, uh, the fingerling potatoes.

I can taste it now!

- Baby, let's not have sea bass tonight.

- No? I want sea bass tonight.

I've been dreaming for sea bass.

- And that was the end of that. - BOTH: [laughing]

- This is probably the best I've ever tasted.

Thank you.

I didn't know how much I needed this.

- You are very welcome. This is vintage '98.

Everything is better with age.

- Oh, well, I got a lot to learn about my wines.

I usually just pick the one with the label that catches my eye.

- There's a lot I can teach you.

- Oh, I spent seven years in college.

You can say I like to be taught.

- An educated man.

What's your master's degree in?

- Oh, uh...I mastered my studies in the female anatomy.

Spelman campus, mostly.

- [laughs] I love a man with a sense of humor.

- We can't let it go to waste.

- Sure. I guess I can have one more glass.

- Grab this. - Mm, mm-mm-mm.

Calvin, you are so impressive.

You show special attention to everything.

- Well, when a person is special,

they deserve special attention.

- Your compliments make a woman feel special.

- Hey, well, when someone is as fine as you,

you inspire my inner poet.

- You and me, here over dinner.

- Now, I never would've expected that.

- Why, because of my...

- Look, you don't have to keep reminding me of that.

- Well, my husband decided to leave me

for a much younger woman.

And that can be...crushing

for a woman my--[coughs]

It's just refreshing to imagine that I still have it.

- You don't have to imagine when it's a reality.

- [phone ringing]

- Why don't you answer that?

I'm gonna use the ladies' room.

- Yeah, okay.

It's down the hall, to your right.

- [phone ringing]

- Hello?

- CURTIS: I know what you did, you damn heathen.

- Pops, what are you talking about?

- CURTIS: Give me back my sea bass!

- Pops, look, I don't have time for this.

- CURTIS: I know you took it. - Pops--

- CURTIS: Calvin, you give me back my sea bass

or I'mma come over there and gut you like a fish!

This ain't what you want, Calvin.

I'm telling you, boy, this ain't what you want.

- Gotta go. - So, where were we?

- Oh, we were just about to, uh...

- [cell phone ringing] - You wanna answer that?

- Uh...uh-uh.

- Calvin, I gotta admit.

It drives me wild when a man is bold and demands what he wants.

- Really?

- So, I followed your request.

- My request? - Yeah.

When you told me to be breezy earlier?

I listened. Less to remove.

- [phone goes thud]

- I love a forward thinker.

- [banging at door]

- CURTIS: Calvin, I know you're in there!

- Wow, that was fast.

- [banging at door]

- Hey, baby, baby, baby? Uh, just excuse me one minute.

- [banging at door]

- CURTIS: Open this door!

Give me my sea bass! - Shh, I can explain.

- You'll explain nothing. Why are you blocking the door?

- 'Cause I can't let you in here.

- Calvin, I'm coming in there and I'm taking what's mine.

- Pops, Pops, Pops... - Get out--

Don't do this. - Don't do it, please.

- I'm going!

Ooh! I'mma kill him! Ooh!

- Hello.

- Oh. Oh. My.

I'm sorry, I didn't realize that we were in the presence

of such a beautiful lady.

Curtis Payne. - Victoria Spelling.

- The Realtor! - Yes.

- Now my Realtor.

- Yeah, okay, so wait. What's this, a date?

- Yes, Pop.

- Well, look at you.

Got everything all set up, don't you?

Wine and all that.

Sea bass. Sea bass.

How was the sea bass? - Oh, it was nice.

- I'm sure it was. I'm sure it was.

- Pops, you are killing the mood.

- Boy, please.

What do you know about a mood?

You gotta have music for a mood.

You want a mood, you need a little Isley Brothers.

Or some Teddy P. And then you got a mood.

- Oh, I do love me some Teddy P, now.

- You better watch yourself, Vicky.

That Teddy P--see, you know.

You know what a mood is.

These youngsters don't know nothing about that.

What you? What you? 52, 53?

- Oh my god. - Give or take.

Talkin' 'bout a mood.

See, these young bucks, they don't know about a mood.

They're not like our generation. [laughs]

- You know what, Calvin? I think we should call it night.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

- Yeah, yeah, maybe we can, uh, just try it again another time.

Uh, it was nice meeting you, Curtis.

- Nice to meet you. - And I'm, uh...47.

- Ow!

Oh! Was it something I said?

- 52, 53, Pops?

- Caught you a cougar! Rawr!

- You just ruined my date.

- You shouldn't have stolen my food, you jerk!

- Do you know I had that locked and loaded?

Had you not shown up, I would have been beating up--

- Calvin? - Whoa!

You are supposed to be out of town dress shopping.

- Surprise!

- Baby!

- What are you doing back so early?

- I missed you! - Ooh, this is awkward.

- Baby, when I tell you I found the most amazing dress,

it is everything!

And when I say everything, I mean ever-y-thing.

- If you would've showed up five minutes earlier,

it'd really be everything.

- Pops, don't you have somewhere to be?

- You're lucky I'm here.

- How are you doing, Mr. Payne?

- I'm doing good, "Laurel."

- Uh, uh, Pops, can you excuse us, please?

- Oh, so now you want me to go?

- Yeah. - Yeah, no.

- Calvin, he doesn't have to leave if he doesn't wanna leave.

- But you know what? I'm gonna leave. I'mma leave.

And I'm gonna do you a favor.

Thank you for the dinner, Son.

I'll finish our wine.

- [laughs]

- You two have a good time.

- Calvin, you cooked for your dad?

Oh my goodness, that is so sweet!

- [chuckles nervously]

- See, I knew there was something special about you.

It's all those little things that you do.

You're so nice and thoughtful.

[giggles] I love you with all my heart.

- I--I love you too.

- ♪

- ♪

- ♪