Original subtitles

- ♪

- For the life of me,

I do not know where the rest of my photo albums are.

So Miranda, you're just gonna have to use this one.

And I have several pictures of Calvin in this one.

And I hope it just helps out on your project with Lisa.

Where are my albums?

- Wow, photo albums?

I mean, I heard about these, but I ain't never think

I was gonna see one outside of a museum.

- Yes baby, photo albums.

People would use cameras, and they would take pictures,

and then they would develop them,

and actually put the picture in a book.

Thus, a photo album.

- But how did their friends like, share, and repost them?

- There was life before Internet, right Miranda?

Miranda, tell them. - Huh?

- What are you doing on that phone?

Did you hear anything we just said?

- Oh--

- What are you doing on that phone?

- Huh? - Looking for jump offs.

I know that phone finger dance,

left for no, right for yes.

I almost swiped off my fingertips

looking for a man like Malik.

- No, I'm not looking for dates,

I'm, um, just, you know, scrolling through my timeline,

seeing what's trending.

- Ain't nothing trending on that phone

but chocolate abs and pretty teeth.

- Excuse you? - It's the pretty teeth for me.

- Miranda, it's okay.

Baby, it's alright to move on.

I prayed for you and Calvin's marriage,

and if it did not work out, and it was not meant to be,

what can you do?

- Keep swiping on that phone.

That algorithm will find you a man.

- Okay.

- Yes, sir!

It's about to be cracking tonight.

Where's Floyd? - He's back in the back.

Working on your barbecue order.

C.J., why are you so excited about

being the chairman of the high school reunion?

- 'Cause your boy was cold with it in high school.

I was the best player

that the Parkview Purple Patriots ever had.

- Really? That's funny, because Calvin said

that you had a weak jump shot, braces,

and horrible acne when you were in high school.

- ELLA: Correct.

- Calvin is a hater. - ELLA: No, no...

- He's hating! - No, it was high school,

which is why he was the mascot.

So that he could put that helmet on and hide his acne.

You're hating too, it was junior high school.

- But they gonna see how I peaked.

Some people peak in high school, some people--

- Peak when they have a wife and four kids.

I got it, I got it. This is not a sprint, it is a marathon.

- Don't worry, you gonna be killing them

once you become a Paw-Paw.

- No, I'm never gonna be nobody's Paw-Paw,

that's between you and Malik.

But I'm gonna kill them this weekend, though,

because I got Floyd and Uncle Curtis' barbecue sauce, right?

I've got a proclamation from the mayor

of our graduating class,

and I got the best playlist on the planet!

- Ah, Calvin did say that when you were a rookie

at the fire station, that you DJ'd.

Wait, what was your, uh, your DJ name again?

- Yes, what was it? [laughs hysterically]

- Uh, uh, names, names, names are not important.

- Oh no, no, no, no, they are very important,

so what was that name again?

- It was Dee Jayyyy-- - Hold up, hold up, hold up,

What had happened was that I was trying to pay homage

to Grandmaster Flash and the fire department.

- Okay. - C.J.: Right, so

my name was-- - DJ Hot Flashes!

- No!

- Hot Flashes!

- 'Cause I used to be like h-h-h-h- hot flash!

Wasn't "flashes," it was "Hot Flash."

Because it was "woo woo."

- So question, C.J., did you play menopause music?

Like I don't understand.

- What kind of DJ names himself after the change?

- I was young. And I didn't know.

- ♪

♪♪

- C.J: What's up, Floyd? - What's up, buddy?

- CALVIN: What's up, Hot Flashes?

- Really? We not gonna let that go, huh?

- Look, I ain't saying a word,

'cause you are officially me and Curtis' first paying client.

- I mean, it's gonna be a good look for you, too.

It's gonna be at least 300 people there at the picnic.

- That's what I'm talking about right there, boy.

We gonna have people licking other people's fingers.

- Floyd, we don't need another pandemic.

- It's gonna be crazy, I mean libations, good food,

people dancing to the old school sounds of Prince.

- That's what's up? Who else is on the playlist?

- What you mean?

- What other artists are you playing?

- We are the Parkview Purple Patriots,

what other artist do we need

other than His Purple Highness?

- Well, I mean, you could have, like, some Bobby Blue playing,

you know? That'll really jump off the party.

- What year did you graduate high school?

- Define "graduate".

- CALVIN: No, now real talk, you are playing other artists

other than Prince, right?

- I might play some other artists

that existed because of his unprecedented brilliance, yes.

- Well, that makes no sense. Who wants to just sit around

and listen to one artist all afternoon?

- A generation of real music lovers who appreciate real music

from musical geniuses.

- Okay cool, well if it's old school,

then you got some Stevie Wonder on the playlist too, right?

- You can fight me on this, but Stevie Wonder's overrated.

- [grill slams closed]

- Wait one damn minute!

Let me tell you what you not gonna do.

- Get him, O.G.

- We are not gonna disrespect

one of the kings of the music industry.

- Who you talking about, Elvis? - Blasphemy!

Be gone, charlatan.

- You talking about B.B. King?

- I'm talking about the artist that every other artist

wish they could be.

- There are two kinds of people in this world,

those who love Prince's music,

and those who have yet to fall in love with Prince's music,

who I also like to call morons.

- Okay, that doesn't make any sense.

Have you been smoking,

or has the smoke inhalation killed your brain cells?

- Don't blame me if you lack sophisticated musical taste

and the mental aptitude to recognize genius.

- Oh, so now you calling us stupid?

- Well, I don't have to do that,

because you already did.

- Ella!

DJ Hot Flash out here want to get his ash whooped!

- So, what do you think about making a photo collage

with all the Payne babies and my baby?

- Mm-hmm, I think you should have the baby first.

- Girl, stop. I'm gonna use the sonogram photo.

What you think? - Uh-huh,

you know, I just don't understand why I keep getting

these guys with one earring and two kids.

- Read me what you put in your profile.

- Okay, I put, "Smart, divorced mother,

who loves to laugh."

Um, oh, "Barack and Michelle relationship goals.

And stacked from the front to the back."

- Yeah, delete all that,

except, "Stacked from the front to the back."

- Even "smart?" - Yeah, delete that first.

- But, why would I do that?

- "Divorced single mom"?

That's why you keep getting these men with kids,

they slick, just want a Brady Bunch.

- Okay, how did you become the guru of dating profiles?

- Give me your phone. - Okay.

- When you work at my previous occupation,

you learn a lot about men. - Okay.

- Right? So, most of them, teachers, creepers,

preachers, and attention-seekers.

But the key is focusing on what you want.

- Okay. - Okay?

- Okay, okay, okay.

Let me think about this.

I would like a Barack Obama type,

but athletic, and loyal, and sexy, and romantic.

Ooh, he has to love to shop. - Okay.

- Love kids.

And he has got to be chocolate.

- Chocolate. - Chocolate.

- LISA: Bet. Okay. Bad boy. - Okay. No, no.

- Baller. Beach body. Loves the Lord,

but not as much as he love his sneakers, and submit.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, wait, I did not say that.

- Don't worry. Wait on it.

- Wait a minute.

Wait, look at him. - Mm-hmm.

- He has two diamond stud earrings.

He has no earrings.

Ooh girl, look at these abs. - Yes.

- Oh no. And a PhD. What?

Ooh, ♪ it's the degree for me

Ooh, I like him. I like that one.

- It looks like my work here is done.

- Can we zoom in on this, though?

- C.J., I don't know why you talking crazy,

and I ain't gonna stand for it.

- Oh, you want to do this? Then let's get crazy!

- Bruh, why you want to knock me off my feet?

- Delirious!

That's what you sound like right now, delirious!

- Okay, okay, for once in my life,

I feel like you about to catch these hands.

- Oh!

You want to make the house quake

and remind me like I did when I used to bounce you off the room

when we was little.

- Oh, well I wish...

I wish those days would come back,

because I am not that little boy anymore.

- C.J.! Calvin! What is going on in here?

- They arguing about which one is better,

Stevie Wonder or Prince.

- Oh y'all scared me, I thought you guys

were fighting for real.

And why would you fight about that?

Everybody knows that it's-- - Prince.

[squeaks]

- Well, now we know what it sounds like when doves cry.

- Keep talking that ish

and you gonna be runnin' for higher ground.

- Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, what's with all the hostility?

Prince's lyrics were like poetry.

- Yes.

- And he... - Is very spiritual.

I mean, he was a man of faith.

- Okay, so was Stevie.

He sung in the church when he was a kid,

and you can hear it in the music.

You would be stupid not to think he was the best.

- I mean, the man did make an album for three genres,

and he influenced generations of prison cornrows.

- Oh, now you're reaching, Floyd.

- No, serious Ella. Okay, look,

Stevie went from little afro to big afro.

From braids to long braids.

- That is the dumbest argument I've ever heard.

Spoken by a moron that never graduated high school.

- Wow.

That's messed up, C.J.

- Well, look, Floyd, I was just--

- Looking for a new caterer for your

purple high school reunion. Hm?

Since I'm so damn stupid.

You know what? I quit.

I can't do this.

- Hey, Auntie, I need the number to the caterer

that catered your Women's Day event.

- C.J., you need to apologize to Floyd

and beg him to cater your event.

- I ain't got no time to be dealing with

no grown man caught in his feelings over jokes.

- ELLA: I feel you, I see you, Hot Flashes. DJ Hot Flashes.

- Flash, Flash. - Oh, Flash.

- She makes a good point, Moon Crater Face.

- Oh. That's what we doing, now?

- What's wrong? You're in your feelings?

- No, I'm, I'm confident about my skin is smooth.

- Now that it's cleared up.

- That was a long time ago.

Why y'all being so childish, man?

It's not a big deal.

- CALVIN: To you. Other people may be sensitive

to issues that you may think are trivial.

- It's not trivial to me.

I mean, this reunion is important to me.

He's the one that got blew up and angry over--

- Black excellence.

It's black excellence, I don't care how you cut it.

I don't understand why we're not celebrating it

instead of fighting over it.

- CALVIN: C.J., what's the real reason

you're making an issue out of all this?

- I just wanted an all-Prince playlist, that's all.

- But why?

- 'Cause that was the first song

that me and Janine danced to when, uh...

- When what?

- Okay, see, uh, me and Janine was dancing,

and then Boogie Jackson swooped in and stole her,

and then, uh, they slow danced to "Lately."

- Boogie who? You know what?

- CALVIN: Look, C.J., you need to go out there

and fix everything with Floyd.

- ♪

- [hums to self]

Oh, look who is swiping right to left, looking for love.

[laughs]

You and Malik have an open relationship?

- Negative.

Malik the man I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with.

- Oh, and how do you know that?

- Because he got everything I never had, duh.

- Malik? Little Malik?

Shy Malik who I've seen grow up?

- Mm-hmm. - Ooh, okay.

- He humble. - Uh-huh.

- And secure. He don't know what he want to do with his life,

and he indecisive.

- Yeah, that doesn't um,

that doesn't sound like marriage material to me, though.

- It ain't now, but it's growth material.

I don't mind being with Malik, because he ain't mind

being with me, where I was when he met me.

- At Tail Waggers? - Mm-hmm.

Yep. When I was getting to my bag

and getting my credit score up, so I can get my degree.

- Okay. Okay. I see you making moves.

But I am going to make a move with this one.

- Let me see. Swipe. - Ooh! Look at him.

No kids, but loves kids. - Okay.

- Oh, six-figure income, oh rock-hard abs.

He's a deacon at his church. Vegan, who's favorite food--

- Catfish. - No, no, no,

it's actually kale smoothies. - Uh-uh, catfish. He ain't real.

- How do you know?

- Because his bottom teeth don't match his top.

- Oh.

Okay, well look. How about him?

- Now, he is real.

- Yes.

- They really like Calvin. They all are.

Abs, chocolate, loves kids, that's your ex to a "T."

Look at his user name, Cal-Van.

- That just means that he's from California,

and he likes vans, right?

- Or you ain't ready to move on.

- C.J.: Floyd?

- Man!

You scared the fool out of me, man.

Look here, I was just reciting these lyrics

of Stevie Wonder, man, let me tell you something,

he's a genius, I don't care what you say about him.

- I agree, I agree, and that's why I came out to apologize.

- Look, I never had this constant family time.

I mean, jawing with each other, and talking trash,

and you know, just for a minute,

I felt like I was part of this family, and families fight.

- Floyd, you as much a part of this family as anybody.

You ain't gotta bite your tongue.

I, on the other hand, insulted your intelligence,

which is easy to do.

And for that, I apologize.

- Bruh, it's all good.

Appreciate that.

- So um, you wouldn't happen to know a caterer

that could pull off a last-minute miracle?

- For what?

- My purple picnic.

- Bruh, the food's all done, it's being delivered.

- Serious?

- Now, you know I wouldn't be having you out there like that.

I wouldn't have you out in these purple streets

looking all raggedy, which is pretty easy to do.

- Touche.

Okay.

- This photo album gonna be amazing.

Y'all Paynes made some beautiful kids.

- Yes we do.

- Yeah, even this little boy

with the little lazy eye over here.

- Oh, oh--[laughs]

That's Cousin Erika. - And she's 71.

- Miranda, you remember?

- Of course I do.

I got divorced, I didn't get neuralyzed.

- Love might be in the air soon, somebody's getting matches.

- That's me.

- Good for you. 'Cause life goes on.

- Mm-hmm. - Yes, it does.

- Oh, well it looks like the picnic went well.

- FLOYD: Look here, me and Curtis was dripping

off of everybody's lips.

- Floyd, do you hear what you say?

- I'm sure DJ Hot Flashes over here was killing them.

- Murdered them.

- Floyd. - Too soon?

- Boogie Jackson is no longer with us.

- Wait, you killed a man at a picnic

because he danced with your girl from high school?

- He didn't die at the picnic. He passed away years ago.

- Well, what happened?

- Apparently, he was at Freaknik,

stubbed his toe, it got infected,

and he never went to the doctor.

- That's a terrible way to die.

- That's not how he passed away. - Okay.

- No. See, uh,

he was wearing a prosthetic boot,

and it got wedged in between the gas pedal,

and he drove his truck into the Chattahoochee River.

- [Ella laughs]

- Oh no, are you serious? - No!

- You taking me too far.

- No, Boogie owns a car lot in Buckhead,

we chopped it up all day.

We was all talking!

- Don't do that!

- You know, you Paynes are definitely still crazy.

- C.J.: For sure.

- Wait a minute, I got another match.

- Yes.

That ring? That mean he in the vicinity.

- Oh, well wait a minute, I hear something chirping.

I thought you got off the dating app?

- That ain't mine. - Well then, whose is it?

- Whose is it? Don't look over here, baby.

I know I ain't chirping.

- You see the man playing the piano? Hm?

- But his showmanship is better.

- Man, are you crazy?

You see all that he brings to the stage

with his showmanship, man?

He's way more talented.

- So what? He plays the piano. He's not a third as talented.

- C.J., RuPaul is not as talented as Liberace.

I don't care what you say.

- I say you lost your mind.

- ♪

- ♪

- ♪