Original subtitles

- Look at that, yes, I'm looking at the shoes right now!

Look at these shoes!

- [audience laughs]

- Claretha, thank you for turning me on to this website.

Baby, I have ordered everything off [chuckles] this website.

- [audience laughs]

- Everything, yea--no, no, no, I--I ordered pots and pans.

Yes, I did.

Pots, pans, tops,

you should see this cute little foo-foo, fuchsia top

I have on today.

- [audience laughs]

- It's beautiful.

And shoes, I even ordered cheese.

- [audience laughs]

- From France, you don't go to no grocery sto'.

Oh, it smell so good, it's so rich.

- Hey, Mrs. Ella.

- Okay, hey, Claretha, listen, I gotta go, baby,

Miranda just came in.

- MIRANDA: I'm...

- I know she's over here all the time, bye.

- [audience laughs]

- Well, I--

- Claretha said that, not me.

- [audience laughs]

- Listen, I am so glad you came.

- Mrs. Ella, you asked me to come [giggles].

- I know because I need you to help me with my receipts.

I'm purchasing all of these things off line,

if Curtis finds these receipts, I'm in trouble.

- Well, speaking of, you got a package.

- [shrieks in glee] - There you go.

- Oh, yes.

- I mean, I feel like it's every day is Christmas

when I come over here.

- I tell you, Miranda,

normally, I would not be spending money like this,

but everything is 50% off!

I can't help it, I can't.

- [audience laughs]

- Look, you gotta see these.

- Oh! - Do they look like--

- These are cute. - They--

- Look at this.

- So, my receipts, they're back in the back.

- Okay.

- And I'm gonna make sure that you have all of those receipts,

just one moment.

- Okay. - I gotta push send right here.

- What are you buying now?

- UNISON: Oh!

- That's cute. - Oh, yes!

- FLOYD: Ella! Ella!

- Go. - What about the--

- He's gon' tell Curtis. Hide it, wait--

- Where--where am I hiding it?

- Here I come.

Wait, no, don't put it in there.

- Where should I put it?

- No, he's gon' be over by the sink.

- Oh, he's coming, he's coming, he's coming.

- Not there!

- Hey, got--

- Hello, hello, hello. - To be mo' careful.

Thought I had yo' doggone house to myself.

- [audience laughs]

- Why y'all look so suspicious?

- I live here, how do I look suspicious in my own house?

- You're just kinda gathered up around the stove,

and nothing's being cooked.

- We're not doing anything, we're just not shopping.

- You're not helping.

- I thought you were going to the barbershop.

- I never made it.

I was going down the street, I turned the corner,

and there was an ambulance and a crowd of people.

- ELLA: Okay.

- Turns out this family got sick.

- Hmm.

- Guess why?

- I don't know.

- Come on, guess.

- Okay, they ate bad fish.

- Wrong!

They had a carbon monoxide leak,

they didn't have a detector.

And you know your husband, Curtis,

has been preaching the gospel about those things for years.

- Are they gonna be alright?

- Yeah, but you know what, it got me to thinking.

- Uh-oh!

- Don't you wanna know what I'm thinking?

- UNISON: Errrr!

- I'm thinking that I need to check all the smoke

and carbon monoxide alarms around here,

make sure they're safe.

- Floyd...

- Mm-hm, yep, yep, yep,

'cuz Curtis told me to check everything 'round here

while him and Janine are downtown covering for C.J.

Yeah, yep, as a matter of fact,

I gotta make sure that everything is safe around here.

- Okay, that's good.

- Mm-hm.

- Why don't you start in the backyard [chuckles].

- No, 'cuz thinking about all this work has made me hungry.

You know what, the last time I was over here,

I saw that you had some spaghetti in the refrigerator,

you still got some left?

- Floyd, don't come over here this morning eating spaghetti.

- [audience laughs]

- Ah! - Uh-huh.

- Pizza! - Pizza.

- Yeah, you know what,

I can probably just warm this up in the oven and everything,

so that way it stay crispy.

- Oh, no, no, no! - Or no.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'll heat it up for you.

- Nah, I don't want you to heat it up in the microwave,

'cuz it'll make it soft.

- You know the best way for it to warm up is room temperature.

- Just leave it out. - You know what--

- Leave it right here. - MIRANDA: Leave it out.

- You right, so I probably need to pre-heat the oven then.

- No, I'll heat it up for you.

- No!

- I'll heat that up.

- You just--just doing too much.

- Okay, you gon' heat it up?

- I will. - In the oven?

- I will.

- Make sure you put it on the bottom shelf.

So that way it can stay nice and crispy.

- Yes.

- You just go on in the back, and start on your safety checks.

- Alright, alright.

- ELLA: See, see look, I'm starting [chuckles].

- My friend.

Eh, Ella, nice blouse.

- Thank you, Floyd [chuckles].

- My friend be keeping you fly.

- [laughs]

Uh-huh, 50% off.

- Eh, yes!

- Fifty percent off, yes, 50% off.

- What else-- what else do you have.

- Miranda, get my shoes out of the--

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- And--and--and can you take 'em to my room?

- Okay, oh.

- Just throw 'em here.

I have to wash 'em now.

Okay.

Hey, maybe I'll buy new towels.

- [audience laughs]

- ♪

- It's nice having the place to ourselves for a few days.

I said, it's nice having the place to ourselves

for a few days.

- Uh-huh.

- Malik, are you listening to me?

- Uh-huh.

- [audience laughs]

- What I say?

- [audience laughs]

- You said it's time for us to get our own place.

- [audience laughs]

- I--I--I agree, baby, I agree.

- [audience laughs]

- Malik, take this apple cider.

We can pretend like it's champagne,

and relax and sit back and enjoy each other's company,

like this our own house.

Oh, when the baby come, and she gon' be--

he, we don't know what it is yet, you know?

- [chuckles]

- But they gon' be running around.

Malik!

- [audience laughs]

- Lisa, you can't do that, I was down to eight players.

- Stop playing that stupid game.

- Fifthnight is not a stupid game, alright,

it's for the skilled and masterful.

- What are you, a wizard?

- [audience laughs]

- You always on your phone and your laptop.

- No, I'm not.

- It's rude and immature.

- [audience laughs]

- Girl, you tripping, where my phone at?

Well, it probably doesn't matter, I'm dead now.

- [audience laughs]

- You may not be aware,

but every time we at a restaurant, you on your phone,

the movies...on your phone.

I even seen you checking it at church.

- [audience laughs]

- I was looking up a scripture.

- [audience laughs]

- Alright, look, we're here now, spending time together,

what do you wanna do?

You wanna watch TV, listen to music?

- Mm, let's watch a scary movie.

- Oh, okay, we can do that,

but, uh, we gotta make it quick, now,

we gotta go to Uncle Curtis and Auntie Ella's house,

Floyd say he gotta show us something.

- What?

- I don't know, uh, give me my phone,

I gotta text Kwame real quick.

Believe me, it's gonna take two seconds.

Thank you.

Alright, done, see how quick that was.

- [audience laughs]

- You're hooked on your phone.

- No, I'm not, come on now.

- Then prove it.

Shelly gave me two tickets, front row to the Hawks game.

- Oh, for real now,

but, you don't even like basketball.

- I know, but I'll give 'em to you

if you can stay off your phone for 24 hours.

- For real?

- Mm-hm.

- You know what, I could actually pay Kwame back

for helping me in history class, I do owe him.

That'll be great.

- Remember, no phone or social media for 24 hours.

- Alright, bet that then.

- Yeah, it's a bet. - Alright.

- Mm-hm. - Mm-hm.

- Mm-hm. - We gon' see.

- Yeah, we gon' see. - Mm-hm.

- You ain't even gon' make it an hour.

- [audience laughs]

- Child, please.

- Mm-hm. - I got this.

- [imitating phone] Ring, ring, ring.

- So, you just gon'-- I can't even keep it on me?

- [imitates phone] Ring!

- It can't even be in my pocket?

- ♪

- I can't get off of here, I just cannot stop.

- Oh my goodness. - Oh!

Ella Payne, Ella Payne!

You don't need another purse.

Yes, I do [laughs].

- Mrs. Ella, when you shop online

and talk to yourself in the third person,

that's how you know you getting good at it.

- [audience laughs]

- Miranda, this matches my blue hat perfectly.

No, I don't need it, I don't need it, I don't.

- You sure? - Look at this.

- You sure? - It's 75% off.

- I think you need it.

- It's 75% off!

Okay. - Just this last one.

- That's it. - Done.

- ELLA: That's all I need.

- Oh, that's nice.

- So, I've already started on my safety list.

- Alright, Floyd, well now,

wouldn't you be more comfortable in the backyard?

- [audience laughs]

- ELLA: Oh yes!

Fresh air is gonna help you think more clearly.

- No!

- [audience laughs]

- No?

- Actually, I do most of my best thinking while I'm sitting.

- [audience laughs]

- FLOYD: But you know what, there's alot to review.

And Miranda, I'm glad you're here

because this probably could save your little baby arsonist.

- Okay, wait, hold on, don't talk about my child.

He was not playing with the candle, it was an accident.

- [audience laughs]

- Spoken like a true maternal alibi in denial.

- [audience laughs]

- Well, Floyd, I already know when you're in a fire,

just stop, drop, and roll.

- Oh, it's more than just that.

Now, Curtis, he made me a list, okay.

First, you gotta make sure you destroy all frayed cords,

then you have to clean all your dryer vents.

And then, you have to make sure you don't overload one socket.

These young people will take a thousand charger cords,

and put it into one socket.

And safety locks.

- Safety locks?

- FLOYD: Yes,

well see, Malik and Lisa, they're expecting,

so I invited them too 'cuz you know what,

they probably don't know nothing about this stuff.

Matter of fact, young people don't learn nothing

unless you put a beat to it,

you know what I'm saying?

- [doorbell rings]

- I'll go get that, okay, I got it.

- [audience laughs]

- You wanna go on out, go on out, and start?

Floyd, just, go on out back, and start.

- The, um, the elves have stopped by.

- [audience laughs]

- [laughs]

- [laughs] What's in the box?

- [audience laughs]

- Uh, oh, this is a package for the Help Center.

- Oh!

- Something for the Help Center.

- Okay.

Didn't address it there, but what's in the mail?

- Uh, bills, bills, uh-oh, bills.

- FLOYD: Mm-hm.

- All these are for Curtis.

- [chuckles] - Okay.

- What's in that big envelope, huh,

is that, uh, letter from your boyfriend?

- Oh, I know what this is, Floyd.

This is a little piece of my business.

- [laughs]

- ELLA: My business, my house, my mail.

- [audience laughs]

- Mine, mine, mine.

- [audience laughs]

- [doorbell rings]

- Don't look good today.

- Don't worry, I'll get that one, too.

- Thank you.

- I would've got it, but she was right over there.

- [audience laughs]

- Those elves are so busy.

Busy, busy, busy!

- [chuckles] Well, you need to get busy,

and text yo' boyfriend,

and let him know your husband on the way home.

- My husband is my boyfriend.

- Sure he is.

- Y'all need to really pay attention

since y'all have a little one on the way.

These pods right here can be very harmful

if swallowed, alright?

A baby will throw one of these back like a breath mint.

- [audience laughs]

- We understand that, Floyd,

but it's a little too early to even be worried about that.

I mean, the baby isn't even here yet.

- Are you saying that it's too early

to care for the safety of your offspring?

- [audience laughs]

- ELLA: No, Floyd, he maybe saying,

that he did not know

that the safety talk was going to be this intense.

- [audience laughs]

- Yeah, how much longer we gon' be here

'cuz I want some chicken tenders and a shake.

- Speaking of things that shake...

- [audience laughs]

- Babies love to shake loose cabinets--

- [cell phone vibrates]

- Doors, pill bottles--

- [cell phone vibrates]

- [audience laughs]

- FLOYD: Shaking phones... that's why you need--

- [cell phone vibrates]

- Safety locks, safety gates-- - [cell phone vibrates]

- And safety pins.

- [audience laughs]

- What is that?

Malik, is that your phone?

- [audience laughs]

- Yeah, Malik, is that your phone?

Wanna answer it?

- No, I'm good. - [cell phone vibrates]

- Well, turn it off!

- FLOYD: We're in training.

Now you see this raggedy cord right here?

This is a fire waiting to happen, okay?

So, this is no good,

we need to throw this in the garbage.

- You know what, can I hold on to that?

I need a power cord for my printer.

- [audience laughs]

- Did I not just say that that was hazardous?

Stay focused!

- [audience laughs]

- Now look, you all need to pay attention to this next part,

it's very important.

Now, I need you to breathe in,

come on, breathe in, breathe out.

Breathe in...breathe out.

- ELLA: Floyd?

- FLOYD: Breath--um--

- No.

- Alright, so did you smell that?

- No.

- FLOYD: Exactly, that's how it's going to be

when carbon monoxide is in the air, okay?

Because it is odorless, tasteless, and colorless.

Yes, and is also very deadly.

- ELLA: Mmm.

- That's why you need a--

- ALL: Carbon monoxide detector.

- [audience laughs]

- FLOYD: Very good.

See, 'cuz you'll mess around and wake up dead.

- [audience laughs]

- FLOYD: Your great uncle Cedric,

he woke up dead...twice.

- [audience laughs]

- That's crazy, I didn't even know we had an uncle Cedric.

- [chuckles] We don't.

- [audience laughs]

- That's because he woke up dead...twice.

- [audience laughs]

- FLOYD: And for the next part, phase two of this training.

- There's a next part?

- [audience laughs]

- And there's a phase two?

- [audience laughs]

- Yes, and you're gonna wanna take notes for this,

here you go.

- Be careful.

- Here you go, alright.

Here you go.

Alright, everybody ready?

- Why, is there gonna be a test?

- Oh, yes!

There'll be a full examination after phase seven

of the training.

- Floyd...we are not sitting here for seven phases.

- [audience laughs]

- Well, this is what we're gonna do now.

We're gonna have the famous stop, drop, and roll.

Malik, please, you wanna demonstrate it for us?

- [scoffs] Nah, you got it.

- [audience laughs]

- Alright, okay, so, you know what,

I should do this with my first aid kit.

I'm gonna go ahead and get it out of the hall closet there.

- ELLA: Uh, no!

Okay, no, no, I'll get it, I'll get it.

- But it's right there in the hall closet, I can get it.

- It's my hall closet, I'll get it.

- As a matter of fact, I'm gonna go to the garage,

and get my safety blanket,

and we're gonna take this up a notch, alright?

- You go there, and I'll go here.

- [audience laughs]

- That way

it's gonna make it feel like a real emergency, alright.

See, this training is interactive.

- [audience laughs]

- Malik, how much longer are we gon' be here?

I swear, I'm so hungry,

this baby is gon' call FastEats and deliver us a meal.

- I promise, we won't be here much longer.

- But he said it was seven phases.

- I ain't staying here for seven phases.

- [audience laughs]

- I got the first aid kit, where's Floyd?

- [crashing sound]

- FLOYD: [screams]

- Floyd!

- Floyd...

- [feigning] Ella is that you?

- Floyd, you know it's me.

You know it's me.

- Are you okay, Floyd?

All we heard was a loud crash, and when we went to the garage,

all we saw was your feet sticking out

from underneath all those boxes.

- [audience laughs]

- It was like the scene from "The Wizard of Oz."

- [audience laughs]

- Hey, do you need me to call 9-1-1?

- LISA: No, you just want to be on your phone.

- [audience laughs]

- Well, since you are alright,

can we just try this another day?

- Yeah, I guess so.

Well, tomorrow, we're gonna pick up at phase three.

- Alright, baby, come on, let's go.

Bye, Auntie Ella.

- Bye.

Bring me a shake.

- I gotcha.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm okay,

but, uh, what do I tell Curtis when he ask me

why a shelf full of boxes came crashing down on me?

- Uh, you tell him the shelf was too heavy.

- [audience laughs]

- Ella Payne, have you ever had a pressure cooker

that hit you in the head

and an air fryer fall on your feet?

- [audience laughs]

- Have you ever been hit in the head by a meat pot?

- [audience laughs]

- And I broke Curtis' bullhorn.

- I am so sorry, Floyd.

[groans] But, Claretha told me about this website

where they offer everything for 50% off.

I never ever meant for things to get this bad,

but they had great deals,

no interest, free shipping.

- [audience laughs]

- Ah! I couldn't help it.

- Why did you feel you needed to hide it?

Now you know Curtis will buy you anything you want.

- I know, but this gave me a sense of freedom.

I didn't have to ask, and I wouldn't be judged.

- Instead of spending however much you spent

on all that stuff,

that's alot of boxes in the garage.

- [audience laughs]

- I know, I'll--I'll send it back.

I have learned my lesson.

- ♪

- [laughs]

- Too-too!

- [shrieks] - [audience laughs]

- Malik, that is not funny, don't do that.

Don't do that, you scared me and the baby.

- My bad.

- What happened, why you ain't at the game with Kwame?

You won the tickets.

- Oh, I know I did [chuckles], like I said I would.

But, uh, on the way to the stadium,

I called him up, and told him he can have both the tickets,

I had something else to do tonight.

- What?

- MALIK: Spend time with my lady.

I have to show you that you are my priority,

and to be honest, I should have held up my end of the bargain.

And, I'm, uh, try to do better.

- But Malik, those were front row tickets.

- Oh, believe me, I know, I know,

but you know what, I have the best seat in the house.

- Oh, that's sweet.

- And you know what, you're actually right,

we should have a designated no phone zone,

so we'll have just personal time for each other.

- I like that.

- Good.

- [cell phone vibrates] - [audience laughs]

- You gon' get that? - [cell phone vibrates]

- No.

- Malik, you can answer your phone.

- Nope, I'm good, mm-mm.

- Malik...

- [cell phone vibrates]

- You know what, actually, that's not even mine.

- [audience laughs] - [cell phone vibrates]

- That's you.

- [audience laughs]

- Hold on now, you just said it was a no phone zone.

- [cell phone vibrates]

- You know what, you right.

- [cell phone vibrates]

- Come on, watch a movie or something.

- Popcorn? - Thank you.

[screams] - [audience laughs]

- ♪