Original subtitles

- ♪

- Hey, everybody. - Hey, baby.

- Hey!

Ooh, and I made homemade samosas and tandoori chicken.

- [Curtis coughing]

- CALVIN: Oh, yeah, best dinner ever, babe.

Followed by the best lunch ever, Mom.

- Oh, thank you, babe.

- Baby, do you want some more cream and sugar

for your coffee?

- Oh, well, I'll definitely take some cream.

- All right.

- But, uh, come back here and put the sugar right here.

- Ooh, I'd love to.

- Oh, God!

Really? - CALVIN: Go ahead, CJ,

'cause I know you got something to say.

- No, man, no, I'm jealous.

You know, I ain't had no sugar in a while.

- [Ella smooching]

- I don't think he talking about that kind of sugar, baby.

- No, that was just fine. Thank you, Auntie.

- Anytime.

- I mean, you know what I'm talking about, right?

- So, what's everybody doing this afternoon?

- Well, I've got a hot date with the couch and college football.

- If by "couch" and "college football,"

you mean "yard" and "rake."

Curtis, I need these weeds out of my garden.

- Oh yeah, that's right.

- Mwah.

- Don't worry, Unc.

I'm sure you'll get a lot of yardage out there.

- Yeah, well, at least I'm not fumbling

in the end zone.

- LAURA: Babe, tell them what we got going on.

- Laura and I have a big day today.

- Yes, we do.

- Are y'all gonna get to it,

or are you waiting on me to upchuck?

- Today we start pre-marital counseling.

The church sent us a survey to get things started.

- Well, don't get too comfortable,

'cause pre-marital counseling ain't no joke.

- Yeah, well, you have to consider,

your bride-to-be was higher than the wedding cake.

- ELLA: Curtis! - LAURA: Calvin!

- My bad.

- And you high right now.

- All you two need to do is just be honest

with each other,

and you'll just sail right through.

- Yes, I agree, you know?

We're not gonna have any of those problems, Miss Ella.

We tell each other everything.

- Yes, we do, boo-boo.

- CURTIS: So, Calvin, did you tell her

what you really thought about the dinner she made last night?

- Pops!

- Calvin?

- Girl, you know he be...

Girl, come on.

- [phone ringing]

- CJ: See?

It's starting already.

- Yeah, well, I hope that's your wife

so you can tend to your own business.

- Um, Calvin, you told me that you didn't finish the dinner

because you had to go to the gym or something.

- Laura.

- [Curtis laughing]

What he said? - We're clearing.

- That's not what he did. He said...

- Can I, uh...

- ELLA: We're clearing. - That's what he said.

- He ain't go to the gym!

- We're clearing!

- Did he take bags with him or anything?

- Curtis! - Uh...

- Did he leave his jeans?

- ♪

♪♪

- Babe, do we have any scented candles?

- Why, baby? We have to start on this survey.

We don't have any time to set the mood.

- No, no, no, no.

It's just some lingering Indian food smells.

- And you think that smells bad?

- Girl, come on now, girl.

Now you...

Girl.

- Mm-hmm.

- Man, you know my dad be starting stuff.

- Calvin, just tell me.

- Baby, there's nothing to tell you, I promise.

I love that tan-dookie chicken.

- Tandoori chicken, Calvin.

- That.

- Hey, baby, why don't we bet on who our counselor's gonna be?

- Well, it better not be Deacon Windsor,

'cause that man is asleep more often than he is awake.

- Ha, I know, right?

Oh, even worse, Deacon Gilbert.

If you think it stinks in here, then...

- Calvin!

- [knocking on door]

- That's not funny!

- I'ma just get the door, 'cause...

Hey, Pop.

- [Curtis grunting] - [Calvin groaning]

- Always stay ready, Son. - What are you even doing here?

- What are you doing here, Mr. Payne?

- Hey, Lakeisha.

- Laura.

- Entering Purgatory, it smells like.

- Right.

- What is that, bad curry?

- Am I wrong?

Did we leave something at the house?

- Oh, no, I escaped the yard when your momma wasn't looking.

I came to watch the game.

Y'all need to get some candles or something.

Hey, Loni, can you give me a beer, a cold one?

Snap, snap?

- CALVIN: Uh, Pops, we a little bit busy.

- Yeah, we were just about to start on our survey, Mr. Payne.

- Oh, it's okay, you won't disturb the game.

College game.

College game.

This thing have batteries?

- Okay, it says first we should open with a prayer.

- Okay, good.

All right.

- Dear Lord...

- Yes?

- Dear Lord, thank you for blessing me with Laura.

- Mm-hmm.

- Please help make me worthy of her

and to be able to provide for her.

- Ooh, wow, that was beautiful, baby.

- CURTIS: Now, excuse me, Lisa?

I really wish you could provide that cold frosty.

- I'll get it as soon as I finish the prayer,

Mr. Payne, okay?

- Priorities in here.

- LAURA: Dear God, we pray that this can be

a vessel to greater understanding of each other

and a means by which to feed each others' souls, yes.

- Now, being fed sounds good, but I'd be happy with a beer.

- Mm. - Pops, shh!

- Thank you, God, for bringing us together.

In Jesus' name, we pray.

Amen. - Amen.

- Run, fool!

What you doing?

Lilly, where that beer?

About to score.

You ain't got a beer when they score?

Not cold enough.

Gimme one from in the back, in the back of the fridge.

Dig back up in there.

Pull it out.

- LAURA: You got it. - Okay.

- Okay.

- Thank you, thank you, uh, La-La.

La, La, Loo, Laura.

- Well, okay, next it says we should start with

a few ice-breakers. - LAURA: Okay, all right.

- Hey, I could use a piece of gum.

- Mr. Payne.

- Y'all just ain't got cold beer, huh?

- Here, a mint.

I hope you choke.

- That's a horrible way to talk to your dad.

- Okay, so, what does this say, baby?

- Okay.

"Describe your partner in three positive words."

- Okay, that's easy.

Um...

Generous.

Handsome.

- [Calvin chuckling]

- Smart.

- You talking about him?

You talking about Calvin?

- Yes!

- Okay.

- Beautiful.

- Aw.

- Kind.

Passionate.

- Mm.

Accurate.

- CURTIS: Okay, you know what?

Y'all really need to get off script.

- Wait, Pops, our counselor gave us these questions.

- Yeah. - Why should we listen to you?

- Decades of successful marriage.

Failed marriage.

- Okay, so then, what do you have in mind, Mr. Payne?

- Okay, I want you two to describe your partner

with three negative words.

- Okay, I got...

I've got nothing.

- I got something.

- Well, let's have it.

- Well, Calvin, sometimes,

you can be a bit narrow-minded.

- That is true.

- And dishonest.

- Now we getting somewhere.

- ELLA: ♪ Stay with me

I'm looking all over for you.

Hi, CJ.

You back for dinner?

- You cooking, I'm eating.

- I am not cooking no more today.

We're having pizza tonight.

- I like pizza.

As long as it ain't got no mushrooms on it.

- ELLA: Oh, really, Curtis?

You didn't even say good-bye?

- What, I tell you what, it's a good thing I left.

It was divine, Ella,

'cause Calvin and Laura needed my marital expertise.

- Says the husband that will be sleeping

on the couch tonight.

- Exactly.

I know everything not to do.

- You giving them advice, they not gonna make it.

- Actually, that was the case before I stepped in.

- What do you mean, Curtis?

- I mean, they preferred canoodling over honesty.

Anybody with a successful marriage knows

you have to be willing to tell the bald-faced truth

to yo' spouse.

- Well, I don't tell Janine the truth about

that pink bedroom she got upstairs.

- But that's you.

See, I don't have a problem.

It's easy for me to tell Ella that her new perfume

makes her smell like a funeral home.

- Curtis! Really? Curtis...

- You don't want me letting you walk around

reminding everybody of a repast?

- CALVIN: Okay, so our homework was to write two truths.

- Mm-hmm. - And one lie, right?

- Right, that's it, simple.

- Okay, and then the other needs to figure out

which is which, right?

- That's how you do.

- CALVIN: Okay. - Yeah.

- Number one, I love your pound cake.

Number two, I love your French toast.

Number three, I love your Indian food.

- [Laura sighing]

Let me guess.

The Indian food is a lie.

- CURTIS: You got it!

You got it right.

- You wanted honesty, right?

- Yeah! As a matter of fact,

go and tell her how you felt about it.

Go in, dig in it.

- Tell her? - Dig in it!

- I should tell her? - Tell her!

- It burn my mouth.

It gave me indigestion.

- All that, all that!

- I thought you liked spicy foods, Calvin.

- Not that damn spicy!

- See, these are the kinds of things you find out

when you been together longer than six months.

- All right, it's my turn?

- Let it out, boo, let it out!

- I get to go next?

- CURTIS: Come on, Lisa, come on, Lisa!

- Number one, what's number one?

- LAURA: Number one.

The sky is blue.

- That's kind of obvious, but...

- Number two.

Water is wet.

- Uh, duh.

- LAURA: And number three.

[Laura chuckling]

I don't think it's too soon for us to get married!

- She's very dramatic.

- ♪

- So you think it's too soon for us to get married.

Since when?

- [Laura sighing]

Since you just pointed out to me

how little we know about each other.

- Baby, there are things we know about each other.

Like, you got it, what's my favorite color?

- [Laura chuckling] White?

- It's black, actually.

- But, Calvin, you always wear white.

- Baby, that's just because how good it looks on my skin.

- Thank you for proving my point!

- Your point isn't valid.

Look, baby, I love you.

I love you.

That should be the most important thing, right?

- Wrong, Calvin.

You do know that marriage

is about more than just love, right?

- Of course I know that.

My point is we have the most important things.

- Oh, like what? I don't know, being honest?

Feeling like we can tell each other everything?

- That doesn't mean we don't know each other.

It just means you need not freak out

when I do tell you the truth.

- I do not freak out!

I do not freak out.

Calvin, I am easy,

breezy.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

- Okay, so, you always tell me the truth then, right?

- Yes!

- Mm-hmm.

So what happened to my AirPods?

- [Laura chuckling]

[Laura stammering]

- [Calvin stammering]

- [Laura stammering]

- Point made.

Don't just put this on me.

- Who said I was putting all this on you?

- "Oh, Calvin, it's too early to get married!

"Calvin, we don't know each other!

Calvin, taste this hot lava I just cooked for you!"

- Is that how I look?

- Yeah.

- You got one more time to talk about

my tandoori chicken, Calvin!

- What, you gonna make me eat it again?

Please, don't...

I'm good.

I'm good.

- [Laura scoffing]

I'm outta here.

- Oh.

Well, then, and them samosas was bad too, baby!

How about that for honesty?

Oh, damn.

- ♪

- Oh, you shouldn't have!

- What else can I get the man that ruined my relationship?

- Well, you know, beer is always good.

- Ha, ha!

- Calvin, you don't really blame me, do you?

- Oh, well, let's see.

My relationship was fine until you got involved,

and then it wasn't, so I think it's pretty obvious.

- What you saying?

- Wait a minute.

Why is the table set for four?

- [Laura gasping]

No, you guys didn't.

- Hi, Calvin.

Your father thought we should intercede.

- Why you always talking about us,

but when you fighting, it's you?

Think about that.

- Curtis, I didn't even wanna cook.

You the one told me to cook this.

- Sure you ain't gotta tell everybody.

- While your dad's methods left something to be desired,

he was right to push you.

- [Laura scoffing]

Push us, Miss Ella?

Honey, it was more like a shove.

Like a kick, like a punch.

Like a jab.

- Yeah, right off a cliff.

- Okay, can we all sit down?

- Okay, before we partake of

this scrumptious meal I prepared,

I think the four of us need to have a little talk.

- And we think it best that you two listen.

- You two have decided to get married.

You've only been dating for six months.

Not saying that you should not get married,

but there are consequences to that type of decision.

- Like not really knowing each other.

- Not so much that as, okay, here's the thing.

Curtis and I have been married for decades.

- A long time.

Long time.

- And he still manages to surprise me.

- I'm a mystery, baby.

- ELLA: Right, you are.

You never completely know a person, and that's good.

It keeps the relationship fresh.

- And it leaves room for growth as individuals.

- And what naturally happens as the relationship grows

is you learn to trust each other with the truth.

- Calvin, you didn't think Laura could take the truth

about her tan-dookie chicken.

- [Calvin laughing]

- Tandoori.

Tandoori.

- CURTIS: Okay, okay, whatever.

Get the spice right.

And Calvin should trust in telling you the truth

won't get him in trouble, Loni.

- Laura.

It's Laura.

- And Laura should be able to trust that Calvin will accept

the fact that those little headphones

fell into the garbage disposal when she was over there

doing the dishes, and when she turned it on,

it was just crunch, crunch, crunch!

- Miss Ella, Miss Ella, Miss Ella!

- I said, what is that in there like that?

- [Laura coughing]

- Really? - ELLA: Headphones.- Really?

- She said they were yours.

- CURTIS: Oh, yeah, well,

marriage under any circumstance is hard.

I mean, it's, it's, it's hard.

It's like you want to cut your wrists hard.

Like you wanna choke yourself. You wanna take some plastic

to wrap around your face everyday.

It's hard, it's a test.

- And you all failed the pre-test.

- Failed!

- Lord knows I understand.

I have struggled with your father.

I mean, struggled!

- [Curtis chuckling]

- ELLA: Sometimes, even prayer and patience

would not help.

- [Curtis chuckling] - ELLA: Nothing.

- CURTIS: Okay, I think they get it.

- ELLA: Suffocation faster. - CURTIS: I think they get it.

They get what you're saying.

- The point is,

we learned to grow and love together.

You guys gonna have to make that a priority

or your marriage is going to fail.

- The hardest thing about being married?

- BOTH: Staying married.

- Yeah, staying married. - Huh?

But then of course you already know that.

- ELLA: That's right! - CURTIS: That was horrible!

Well, you know her?

That's your friend, ain't it, Miranda?

- CALVIN: Okay, okay.

Are you willing to learn and grow with me?

- Yes, always.

- Good job, you two.

- Now can we eat?

- Not before we pray.

- Again?

- Of course we pray.

- CURTIS: Okay.

- ♪

- So you really don't think this vest is stylish?

- [Laura laughing]

- This vest is the ish.

- You got the ish part right.

Now, it is my turn.

Do you like it when I...

- [Calvin chuckling]

Girl...

Now you know I do.

Girl.

Yes.

Yes, let me just get out of this vest.

- LAURA: Yes, please, thank God.

- We should get the wine.

- Let's do that.

- Let's go. - Do you really?

- Let's do it.

- [Laura laughing]

- ♪

- ♪

- ♪

- ♪