All language subtitles for Tyler Perrys House of Payne - S10E06 - Missing Mustard Seeds WEBDL-1080p_track3_[eng]

- Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,
he's coming back home.

Alright, thank you.

Okay, I'll talk with you soon,
thank you, yes!

He's coming back,
he's coming back!

- Congratulations!
- Yes!

- You finally get to have
your homecoming for Jesus.

- Say what?

- You should call it,
Christ-chella, mm-hm.

- Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

No, no, baby, don't play
with that name now,

no, not that one.
- Ella!

- Oh!
- I need to talk to you.

- Curtis, I got something
to tell you! [laughing]

- Spoiler alert,

Beyoncé 'bout to get a
Netflix special with Jesus.

He coming back home.

- When their baby born,

send it down the river
in a basket.

- Curtis! Don't do that,
listen. [giggling]

Curtis, my favorite
guest speaker is coming back

to the Women's Day program.

- Baby, I just had the worst
barbecue experience of my life.

- Uh, okay, Curtis,
you didn't let me finish.

- I'm sorry, baby, I'm sorry.
- [giggling]

- Gon' finish.
- I am in charge of the program.

- It was the worst!
It was horrible, Ella.

They act like they were
doing me a favor

by taking my money.

- If you're starting
a barbecue spot,

why you eating at another one?

- Because you can't win a war
without spies or intelligence.

- Baby, why are you so upset?

- They were rude,
they were slow.

I can't believe
they charge money.

- Where'd you go?

- Gladys and Roscoe's
Smokehouse and Laundromat.

- Mm.

- Uh, the church
goes there a lot.

- Mm-hm, and that's my spot.

They got them deep-fried
lemon pepper crab legs.

- CURTIS: I had those,

and the chicken,
and the broccoli casserole,

and the spinach souffle.

- Where did you eat
all this food?

- In the driveway.

- Why do you keep doing that?
- 'Cuz it's so peaceful, Ella.

It's so quiet,

and I don't have to share it
with any crumb snatchers.

Or any soon-to-be
crumb snatchers.

- How long you been doing that?
- Since my '76 Monte Carlo.

- [laughing] And we didn't
even have kids then.

- Those were the days.

- ♪

♪♪

- "Dear Sir or Madame,

your restaurant"--
correction--"sucks!"

- What's up, Unc?

- Eh, is donkey teeth
one word or two?

- [laughing]

Who are you
beauty shaming now?

- An ugly business
that deserve it.

Now, just answer
the question, MBA student.

- Former MBA student,
I switched to Philosophy.

- Oh.

- Apparently, he's moved in
with Calvin,

and doesn't want a career.

- What, you don't?

We had a cousin,
Sugar-Mane Xavier,

brilliant philosopher.
Brilliant!

- You hear that, Dad?

- What is he doing now?

- Ten to fifteen.

- You hear that?

You too can sit around
barbershops talking noise

and doing nothing
with your life.

- You know, Samuel L. Jackson
ain't half the gangster

that Iceberg Slim was.
- Very true.

- What you gon' do
besides teach?

- Now, come on, Dad,

philosophers,
they shape the world.

They influence
political campaigns,

and they change minds.

- And they wait tables
'cuz they don't make no money.

- Well, what if I don't wanna
make a bunch of money?

Okay, even I don't believe that,
but...

look, I'm just searching
for a little bit more,

and I haven't found it yet.
- We've all been there.

- Not me.
I always knew what I wanted,

when I was gon' get it,
and how I was gon' get it.

- Sure, I mean, you were
just sent here to Earth

to run into burning buildings
and save babies,

and be a first responder
to things that you can't unsee.

Because you're a buffer for all
the other people's pain.

You didn't know
what you wanted to do.

You were destined to be the
bearer of other people's pain...

philosophically speaking.

- The boy good.

- Hey, he gon' be
a philosopher, my son.

Look at ya!
- CURTIS: That's good.

- The town car has been
ordered for the VIP.

- Okay.
- And I have two, three--

I just have to
verify the catering.

- What about the entertainment?

You know that's
my area of expertise.

- Baby, they can't handle
your kind of entertainment.

- I don't know what you expect
to get out of all this,

free food?

- I expect them
to fix the problem.

That place is a disgrace
to the barbecue landscape.

A dis--damn--grace.

- Curtis!
Just let it go, let it go.

- Why, Ella, huh?

Why can't I demand
customer satisfaction

when I'm spending my hard-earned
senior citizen discount?

- But we gotta
help our people out.

If we don't support them,
who will?

- The people who got ones
left over after the club, duh.

- It kinda make sense.

- Curtis!

Listen--[chuckling]--
as long as it's done with love,

I don't have a problem

with us holding our
black businesses accountable.

- Thank you.

Now, I say hold 'em
to a higher standard

'cuz God know, we got to be
better

just to be considered average.

- Okay, let's say a big box
store is having a sale,

and a black-owned business
is selling the same product,

but at a higher price.
- Okay.

- Where you gon'
spend your money?

- What the hell is the product?
- It don't matter.

- Yes, it does.

You can't buy eyelashes
from everywhere,

you'll be walking around

with big ol' caterpillars
on your eyelids.

- Okay, Calvin,

if the black business
has great customer service,

I would buy it from them.

- But if there's a sign
on the register

that says "Cash Only,"
and cash is spelled with a K...

and the cashier
at the register

is holding a baby on her hip--

- You talking about Daysia?

- I don't know
what the hell her name is.

- The manager,
that's my home girl,

we went to community
college together.

- Well, I'm not giving Gladys,
Daysia, or Roscoe

anymore of my money.

- Well, why not
just talk to the manager,

give him some feedback
to help them do better?

- Yes.
- There you go.

- Calvin, while she
was ringing me up,

she started nursing the baby.

- That baby is three,
that is no excuse.

- Three?
- Three.

- Okay, Curtis,

I think if you just take
the time to explain your issue

with the business,
it can help out everybody.

- Thank you, son.
And that's exactly what I did.

I wrote a review,
and I put it everywhere.

- ♪

- "The employees and management
should be barbecued

instead of serving barbecue.
This establishment is"--

- ALL: "Trash, trash, trash."

- What you trying to do,
Uncle Curtis?

- I'm elevating my people.

A little constructive feedback
makes all of us better.

- Uncle, this is not feedback.
- Mm-mm.

- This is dragging.
- [knock at door]

- ELLA: Open this door.
Hey!

- Hey, baby.
- Mm-hm.

Move!

Are you hiding from me?
- Nah.

- What you mean, nah?
You're not answering your phone.

- Oh, baby, my phone died.
What's wrong?

- What's wrong?
Curtis, you know what you did?

- What did you do?
- What did I do?

- [chuckling] "This
establishment

is trash, trash, trash."
- You read my review?

C.J., I may have
a career as a food critic.

- Curtis?
- [chuckling]

- You see how fast
she got that thang?

How many numbers on it?
- Baby, no.

This place was catering
our Women's Day program,

and they just canceled
our entire order.

- Why would they do that?
- Because of your review.

Why would you do this?

- What are you
talking about, Ella?

Baby, you the one that said
to explain my concerns,

and it'll make everybody better.

- [snickering] Curtis,
I said with love.

You literally said,

"I hate everything about
this barbecue crematorium."

- How did they even know
who it was?

- Ah! Because
he signed every review,

"Curtis The Sauce Boss Payne...
Wipe Me Down."

- Wipe me down?

You starting a barbecue
restaurant or a carwash?

- Curtis, this is all
your fault--all your fault.

So, you are now the new caterer

for the Women's Day program.

Now, let's just see how you
run your black business.

- How many people
we talking about, baby?

- Seventy-five, Curtis.
- Dang.

- Tomorrow at three.
- Seventy-five people?

- ELLA: Tomorrow at three!
- CURTIS: Seventy-five people.

My business hasn't even
officially opened yet, Ella!

- ♪

- Ah, there it is.
- Hey, Mrs. Payne.

- Hi, baby.

- Did you get everything
straightened out

with the caterer?

- Oh, the so-called caterer
is straightened all the way out,

he may never be crooked again.
- Oh.

- Okay.
Well, that's good then.

Oh, we ordered an extra salad
if you're hungry.

- Oh, thank you,
but no thank you,

I have a thousand things to do.
- Oh okay.

- Thank you.
- MALIK: It's alright.

- You wanna
bless the food, Malik?

- You know I'm taking
a break from praying,

you remember that.
- Mm-hm.

- Go, stay, go, stay.

Okay, Malik, what do you mean
you taking a break from praying?

- Oh. [chuckling]

Well, one of
my philosophy classes

is on God, Faith and Reason,
and, you know,

it's actually raising some
pretty interesting questions.

- Questions like what?
I got all of your answers, go.

- Okay, well, how did
evil enter the world?

- Ezekiel 28.
- E--Ezekiel?

I thought his name was Satan.

- How can humans have free will

and God be sovereign
at the same time?

How do we compare
religions and perspectives

to figure out
which one is the truth?

- Oh, Malik, where--

Who--who was your
vacation bible school teacher?

- [chuckling] You were,
you know that.

- How did I fail you?
How did I fail you?

- You didn't fail me.
You're actually the reason why

I'm even thinking
about this stuff.

- So, I am the reason why
you're questioning God?

- Auntie Ella,
I'm not questioning God,

I'm just looking for a deeper
meaning of belief and faith.

- Yeah, I believe in
the Easter Bunny and Santa.

- Eat your food, baby,
eat your food.

- I mean,
I know you can't see them,

but I do believe
if you have faith in them,

and you're a good person
and you do right,

then you'll get
blessings and gifts,

and somebody will
make it rain on you.

- There you go.

- Thank you very much,
Reverend Shirley Caesar salad.

[chuckling] But, baby--
- But that's actually faith,

just stripped down.
- ELLA: Malik.

- No pun intended, baby.

- It's okay, baby,
I don't dance to Big Pun anyway.

- But, you see how Lisa
was able to explain faith

with no Bible, no sermon,
no church.

- Malik, it's based
upon the Word.

- I know, Auntie Ella,
I know, believe me.

You've taught me that
my whole life.

- Okay.

- I'm just saying that
I'm questioning everything,

and until I get
the answers that I want,

I'm gonna take
a little break from religion...

philosophically speaking.
- [grunting]

- MALIK: Oh, what you--

- No, no, no, don't jump--
don't jump now. [chuckling]

Go and help your Daddy
and help Floyd.

- Why?

- Because I am going to take
a break from some foolishness...

realistically speaking.
- Alright, yes, ma'am.

- Eat your food, baby.

- Wait, is anybody
gonna bless the food?

I mean, my baby is hangry.

- ♪

- Alright, Unc,
we got all your stuff.

- Cool, cool, cool, cool.
- There you go, bruh.

- Cool!
Got brisket! Got brisket!

Where's the other briskets?
- Hmm?

- The other briskets?
- The other briskets?

- You got one brisket
for 75 people?

- The list said brisket,
not briskets.

- [scoffing] Oh, my goodness.

What am I suppose to do
with one brisket, C.J.?

Come on, man.
- Slice that thing in half

like it was two trout
and five loaves of bread.

- Oh, you got jokes.

You got Biblical jokes now, huh?
Call Calvin for me,

and tell him to pick up
two more briskets

and eight slabs of ribs
on his way, please?

- Hey, pops, I got your plates
and your utensils in the car.

Man, that food was good.
- Look--what are you eating?

- Uh, deep-fried
barbecue crab legs.

I finished them in the driveway.

Why don't I smell the grill?

- That's because C.J. is trying
to ruin my business

before it even starts.
- All I did was follow the list.

- All you did was sabotage me.

It's what you doing
'cuz you always--

you never liked my brand.
You thought I didn't know it?

Both of you been hating
on my Wipe Me Down!

- [scoffing] You might
want another name.

- Yeah, it is trash.

- Well, see, see,
you want me to fail.

After everything I've done
for both of you.

- Pops, where's your inventory,
we'll run out and get it?

- Inventory?
- And your menu,

just in case there's
anything else we need to get.

- Menu for?

- For the event.
What are you serving?

- Barbecue!

- Yeah,
but what about your sides

and your drinks
and your desserts?

- Yeah, we'll have all of that,
we'll pick it up on the way.

- No, you got to have all of
that ready when you show up.

- Um, look, this is like
a family reunion, okay?

Somebody bring ice,
somebody bring drinks,

when the food get there,
everybody eat.

And then we all leave
when Uncle Butch pass out.

- Pops, this isn't a reunion,
this a catered event,

people are gonna expect
a certain level of service.

- Look, I ain't never
done this before, okay?

This ain't--I'm new.

I ain't never catered
nobody before.

- Okay, well, maybe you're
not ready to run a business.

- Unc, just, uh,
out of curiosity,

have you drawn up
a business plan, yet?

- Yeah, I got a plan.

I plan on being
the best barbecue business

in all of Atlanta, you heard!
- [laughing]

- Well, out the gate,
you might be the worst.

- An hour per pound, okay.
An hour per pound, and you got--

- What's up, Uncle Curtis?
- I'm tryna calculate my time.

- You ain't started yet?
- I'm good.

How do you carry the one
on a calculator?

Yeah, we--14, I was right,
just 14, 14 hours.

- [laughing]

Are you sure
that's enough time?

- If we get the stuff on
C.J.'s grill in the next hour,

we might make it.
- What can we do?

- Thank you.

Reach in there
and grab the briskets,

trim about one quarter inch
off the fat,

and separate the flats
from the point for me.

- Um, no,
we don't know how to do that.

- You're useless.

- [cell phone dinging]
- Okay, I got--

- Oh wait,
my dad just texted me.

He said the store is closed,

and the 24-hour grocery store
doesn't have what you want.

Crying emoji, crying emoji,
crying emoji, crying--

- Yeah, I get it, I get it.
- I can make one call,

and get this party
popping, Curtis.

- Please, Lisa,
this is a church event, okay,

we don't need you
lap dancing for the Lord.

- Come on, now,
you don't have any food,

and in less than 24 hours,
you got to deliver,

or the Sauce Bosses are done.
- That's why you need me.

Have some faith in your girl.
What does the Bible say?

If you believe in the size
of mustard greens,

you can buy
a mountain. A mountain!

- That's exactly what it say.
- I know.

- I like her.

- ♪

- He said he coming
back next year? Yes, again?

I love it.

Yes, okay,
well, I had a great team.

- Here the rest
of the leftovers, baby.

- Okay, alright, yeah.
He just walked in.

Love ya, okay,
thank you, bye-bye. Yes!

Curtis, yes, we did it, baby,
we did it, we did it.

Come on, baby, it's okay.
Don't feel bad, baby, you tried.

- This was my chance
to show what I could do, man,

and I failed.

- Curtis, it happens,
it happens, it's okay.

Uh, but did ya girl, Lisa,
do her thing, though?

- Hey.
- Eh, hey, eh!

- I need to add party planner
to my resume.

- How did you get
Gladys and Roscoe's

to cater at the last minute
like that?

- I told you Daysia my girl.

All I had to do
was make one call

and tell her Uncle Curtis,

he just like to do food reviews
when he get faded,

and he didn't
mean nothing by it.

- That was smart.

And the food
was actually pretty good.

- Yes, it was.

- It was like it was
a whole different restaurant.

- It be like that sometimes.

I mean, some nights, I would
have trash performances on stage

because I'd rather be
somewhere else reading a book.

Other nights,
I would have great nights.

But you keep hustling
until you get it right.

- Yeah, well, you are wise
beyond your years.

- Yeah, this family
really put me on game.

Real talk, man, Malik
opening up my mind

to a new way of thinking.
- Thank you, baby.

Oh, you mean--
- Thank you.

- With that philosophy nonsense?

- Yeah, but you being
the matriarch, too,

is teaching me a lot about faith
and this baby.

I mean, he can't
see me right now,

and I can't see him,

but I believe if I keep
taking care of him,

he's gonna come out
and love me

the way that I love him,
unconditionally.

- Aw, Lisa,
that is so beautiful.

- So, wait a minute,

did I hear you say
you're having a baby boy?

- I--
- Wait a minute,

is that what you got
out of what she just said?

- You know what,

another Payne man to carry on
the legacy, you heard me.

- But what legacy, baby?

You couldn't even cater
for 75 people.

- Well, you just gon' throw
that in my face, huh?

- God is good, God is great,

sorry I'm eating
crab legs too late.

- These and other blessings
we pray in Your Son's name.

- BOTH: Amen.

- I thought you
was taking a break?

- Oh well, break time is over.

- Why, what made you
change your mind?

- It's actually because of you.

You have such a strong faith
in things hoped for, yet unseen.

- Okay, that sound like
the Bible, but I don't know.

- [laughing] Yes, it is, it is.

You know, for some reason
we found each other,

we created a human,

and now we're about
to start a life together.

- Okay, that sound
like a proposal?

[laughing]
- No.

- But, I'm not sure.
- It's not, it's not.

Not yet.
Go ahead, eat.

- Okay.

- Okay, how about this one?

Curtis Q. Payne,
Come Get This Smoke...

Incorporated, you heard me?

- Mm, it was too long.
- Yeah, it's kinda long.

- What was the name
of your first pet

and the street
you lived on as a kid?

- That be, Smoke Trail.

Smoke Trail Spot.
Smoke Trail Spot?

- That's it!

- Smoke Trail Spot.
- That's it!

- I like that!
- I like that!

- I like that, that's good.

You know what, girl,
you are good.

- So, I can, um, be part owner?
- You're not that good.

You aggressive, ain't you?

- Worth a try.
- I like your style.

- ♪

- ♪

- ♪

- ♪