Original subtitles

[ Theme music plays ]

>> Good evening. I'm Kaitlan Collins.

Despite repeated offers from the Harris campaign,

Donald Trump has officially refused to appear in another

debate, saying, "It's not because I'm scared, so don't

tell people I'm scared."

However, there was one format in which President Trump was

willing to face off against Harris. We take you live to that now.

>> It's time for "Family Feud:

Election Showdown." And here's your host,

Steve Harvey!

>> Okay. Okay. >> Okay. Okay.

Now, alright, welcome to "Family Feud," election edition. I am Steve Harvey, and I have

spent the past 20 years hosting every show on TV as my alibi for them Diddy parties.

Alright, now, tonight, we got two political rivals. On this side it's the Democrats,

led by Vice President Kamala Harris. >> [ Laughs ]

>> [ Laughs ] Oh, oh, it's wonderful to be here, Steve.

I love to see a man getting paid millions of dollars at his Black job.

>> And I'd like to say a Black thank-you. You have been out there

this week. I saw you on Univision and Stephen Colbert.

>> Yeah, Steve, it's been a hell of a week. I went on "Howard Stern" to

reach the horny cab drivers. I went on "The View" for the horny moms.

And I also went on the podcast, "Call Her Daddy" because I have a message.

I have a message for young women, okay? You need to go to the ballot box

if you want the government out your ballot box. >> Okay.

Okay, I see what you did there. I see what you did there. >> Yeah, yeah, and it's working.

My campaign has raised $1 billion. >> Oh my, Lord.

How are you not winning by a landslide? >> [ Laughing sadly ]

Yeah, that's a question I scream into my pillow every morning. >> Okay, next on Team Harris

is the second gentleman himself, Mr. Doug Emhoff. >> Yes. Hello. Hi.

'Tis I, Doug, a.k.a. "Doug the Shrug," a.k.a. if Mr. Belding from

Saved by the Bell" had sex with a menorah. >> Alright, next to Doug is

Minnesota governor Tim Walz. >> Great to be on the "Feud." >> Uh, Tim, when Black comedians

talk about white people, they're talking about you. >> I do be like that.

>> Yeah, you do. And finally on the Democrat side is President Joe Biden.

>> I wanted to say -- Folks, folks. Thank you, Regis.

Great to be here on "The Crew" -- the "Family Food," food-a-doo, dude!

I gotta say, you're looking pretty good. >> Yeah, 'cause I'm getting my

rest. Number one, I sleep when I can. Number two, I'm asleep right

now. >> Alright, then, let's meet the Republicans.

On the top of the ticket, we got a man who evicted me from my apartment in 1982,

President Donald Trump. >> Yes. Thank you. Steve. It's great to be here on "Feud"

going up against "Kamalala." >> Now, Donald, I gotta say, I respect you because we both wear

long ties. Yeah, neck to nuts. Mm-hmm.

Alright, let's move over to President Trump's lovely wife, Melania.

Oh, she ain't here. >> It's so strange. I could have sworn she was

standing right beside me about two years ago. But in her place, I brought a

beloved member of the Trump family and also Don Jr. >> [ Laughs ] Hilarious, Dad.

>> And, Steve, can I just say, it's so refreshing to be on a show that celebrates families,

unlike the Democrats who turned our hero, the Joker, into a gay guy who's obsessed with

Lady Gaga. >> Okay, give me Kamala. Give me Trump.

Let's play the "Feud"! Let's play the "Feud"! **

>> Okay. >> I'm telling you, Steve, she's gonna be horrible at this game.

She's a very low-IQ person. The whole world is laughing at her because they don't respect

her like they respected me. >> Well, okay, Steve, the fact is Donald Trump likes dictators,

alright? Because anyone can manipulate him simply through flattery.

>> That's simply not true. It's not true. >> Okay.

You look handsome tonight. >> I love her. Isn't she great? She's got my vote.

>> Alright, let's play the game. Okay, 100 people surveyed, top 6 answers on the board.

Name something that you keep in your glove compartment. Oh, VP Harris.

Oh, VP Harris. >> Steve, look, I was raised in a middle-class family, alright?

>> Oh, here we go. >> Okay, my mother raised my sister and me, alright?

She worked hard and saved up. >> Yeah, uh-huh. >> And we had a second mother,

too. >> Okay. Did that mother have a glove

compartment? >> A small-business owner named Miss Shelton.

>> Okay, we got that. Something that you keep in your glove compartment.

>> Oh, a Glock, Steve, a big old Glock. >> Oh!

[ Chuckling ] Oh. Oh, snap. Okay, so you strapped like that.

Alright. Show me the blip-blam-blicky. Alright. Number 2 answer.

The Democrats is controlling the board. Let's go.

>> [ Laughing ] Yeah! >> Alright, Doug "Em-em-off," name something that you keep

in your glove compartment. >> Oh, wow. I mean, I can't top that.

It was so perfect. I'll go with the same answer, Steve -- a Glock.

>> Man, you want to give the same answer? Oh, that seem like a bad

strategy, but show me another blip-blam-blicky! blip-blam-blicky!

Oh! Wow. That's crazy. A second gun.

That's the number 1 answer. Damn, America. Whew. Alright.

Let's go over to Tim Walz. Okay, something that you keep in your glove compartment.

>> This is right in my wheelhouse. In my glove box, I got Hothands,

napkins from Runza, and got to have Tums in case I eat something spicy like tomato.

>> If you say so. Show me some white nonsense. Ohh!

Sorry. It's not up there. Let's go over to President Joe Biden.

Something that you keep in your glove box. >> I like to buy a vowel.

>> That is -- That's the wrong game, player. >> Come on, Conan.

What are you doing? It's me. I'm still the president.

I'm Joe. I may be older, but I'll beat the hell out of you.

I'll pop you. I'll give you a knuckle sandwich.

I know how to do it. I can make sandwiches. And guess what.

Here's the deal. I'm not the old one now. Trump is.

The only difference, I know when to walk away -- about six months too late.

>> Okay, show me whatever that was. Oh, man!

That was an answer so bad, they gave you a double X. Alright, Republicans, you got a

chance to steal. Something that you keep in your car's glove box.

>> I've been told not to speak. >> Same here. >> Alright, President Trump,

what you got? >> Well, Steve, I've never ridden in front seat of car,

so this question is very unfair. So to answer this I'm gonna do one of my signature weaves,

right? It's called the weave, where I say lots of different things,

but it all comes together so beautifully, like an episode of "Seinfeld."

"Seinfeld" -- you know, Jerry was always wearing mom jeans. He had bad jeans, just like the

immigrants who are ruining this country. They're eating the pets.

They're eating Moo Deng. But it's so sad. We are getting our asses kicked.

I mean, you look at Korea. You look at Japan. America is not even included.

There's no room. So it's like glove compartment, right?

There's no room. You see what I did there, Steve? >> Oh, yeah, I know exactly

what you did. Show me dementia! Oh!

Well, it looks like the Democrats win. >> Both: And live from New York,

it's "Saturday Night"!

**

**

[ Theme music plays ] >> Good evening.

For ABC news, I'm David Muir. And is it just me, or is it kind of handsome in here?

I had hoped the takeaway of the debate I moderated would be my striking good looks, but

unfortunately it was whether or not I was biased towards the Democrats, which...duh.

But in the interest of fairness, we'll be going live to rallies from both candidates tonight.

Let's go first to Vice President Kamala Harris. >> * Freedom, freedom *

* I can't move * * Freedom, cut me loose * [ Cheers and applause ]

>> Oh! Hello. Hello.

Well, well, well, look who fell out of that coconut tree. Well, your fun aunt has

returned. The "funt" has been rebooted. "2 Funt 2 Furious."

I am so happy to be campaigning in whatever swing state I'm in, which I will just refer to as

Wisconsi-Pennsylva-Georgia. Because I am going to protect your "va-georgia."

That's right. You see, my campaign is like the

Sabrina Carpenter song "Espresso." The lyrics are vague, but the

vibe slaps. And sure, I like to laugh. I do. [ Laughs ]

But let me tell you something. If you start talking nonsense to me, I'm gonna hit you with one

of these.

Now, this election is about moving forward.

You see, Donald Trump is stuck in the past. But it's like I say to my

husband, Doug, when he leaves his phone at the Chili's. We are not going back.

We're not. And, you know, I am lucky enough

to have a running mate who agrees. Come on out here, Coach Walz!

>> Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Whoo! >> Yeah.

>> Folks, I haven't been this excited since I got a 10% rebate on a leaf blower from Menards.

What can I say? I got that BDE -- big dad energy.

[ Laughs ] See what I did there? You get it? >> I got it.

I didn't want it, but I got it. >> You know, Trump and Vance are weird, alright?

They want the government to control what you do in your bedroom and what books you read.

You know, in Minnesota, we have a saying -- mind your damn business.

We also have another saying in Minnesota -- my nuts froze to the park bench.

I gotta be honest here, folks. When Kamala Harris called me and

asked me to be her vice president, I said, "Uh, yeah!" This is personal for me.

I love this country. And as a former teacher, I need the money.

This suit is from Costco. It's a Kirkland brand. They make great dog food.

>> Alright, alright. Thank you, Tim. Oh! Thank you. Wow.

You are -- Wow. Thank you. What a loud treasure.

Okay. We love him. But, you know -- you know, Tim is not the only white dude for

Harris here today. There's a very special one who's given me so much, including a

sweet son and a very Brooklyn daughter. It's my husband -- Doug.

>> * Teach me how to dougie * >> * Teach me how to dougie * * Teach me how to dougie *

* Teach me how to dougie * * Teach me how to dougie *

>> Hello, hello! 'Tis I, Doug,

the Second Gentle-mensch, also known as Charlie Brown if he was a grown-up.

Guys, how amazing is Kamala? I mean, look at her! >> Baby, stop it.

>> Oh, I feel like I'm in one of those movies where Seth Rogen dates Charlize Theron.

I mean, how did I get this woman? And look, I've heard what the

right says about me just because I'm unapologetic about being a man supporting his wife.

"Oh, he's a beta, a wife guy, a trad-hus, a little spoon." Well, you know what?

If helping Kamala, who we call "Momala" in my family -- not sure if I mentioned that --

become president being a little spooned, then you can cup my little butt!

'Cause I am proud to join the esteemed list of presidential spouses throughout history,

women and men, but all women that have stood by the president's side.

And I, for one, can't wait to decorate the White House for Christmas.

The theme will be Hanukkah.

* Just keep -- * >> Well, it certainly seems like

a party over at the Harris rally. Let's see how it's going now

with Donald Trump at his rally, which is entering its third hour.

I miss Joe Biden! Oh, Joe! We miss Joe Biden, folks. What we wouldn't give to have

him stand next to me and be old. We had this in the bag, but then they did a switcheroo and they

swapped out Biden with "Kamabala." And now everything is chaos.

They're eating the dogs. They're eating the cats. They're taking your pets and

they're doing freak-offs. They're doing freak-offs with the dogs, and they're making the

geese watch. It's very sad. It's very sad. They're doing a Diddy.

At least, that's what I'm told by my running mate, JD Vance. People are saying he was a bad

pick, and in many ways, he was. JD, come on up. >> [ Laughs ]

Thank you, President Trump. Thank you. Uh --

Okay. He's -- He's gone. He's taken the glass with him.

That's fine. Anyway, hello, hello. It is I, JD Vance.

How much do we love Donald Trump? You know, just this afternoon,

he told me, "JD, you're like a son to me 'cause I don't like you and I'm stuck with you."

And I'm sure you've all heard what the liberal media's been saying about me.

I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here?

I'll tell you what I'm doing here -- getting this crowd hyped!

[ Chuckles ] Ah, you guys are awesome.

[ Chuckles ] >> Oh, we apologize. The Trump campaign is asking us

to cut away from his rally and to return instead to Vice President Harris, where the

Okay, listen up, everyone. We couldn't have gotten here without one man, and his name is

Joe Biden. Get on out here, Joe Biden. Get on out here, Joe Biden.

>> Folks, that's right. A lot of people forget I'm

president, including me. But guess what. And by the way...

...I think I did a pretty good job.

I passed more bills than any president in history. But, folks, we still got work

to do, no joke. I'm being serious right now. Come on.

And guess what, and by the way, the fact of the matter is... [whispering] the rich don't pay

their fair share. [ Normal voice ] They got to pay their fair share.

We gotta build back better, the build back to better, the better to bar to be-- build

back the better can't -- can't believe it's not butter! >> Thank you, Joe Biden.

Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. And I just want to say --

I just want to say thank you, Joe Biden. Thank you for putting country

first and for handing over the reins. >> I didn't want to.

They made me. And guess what, and by the way, the fact the matter is, no joke.

This is serious right now. I'm being serious. Anyway, in conclusion, me and

Vice President Harris are the same. >> Oh, okay. Ha-ha. Great stuff.

Thank you, Joe. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Alright, goodbye, Joe. Goodbye, Joe Biden. Joe Biden, everyone.

Now... Isn't he great? Now, listen. Listen, alright?

We got to stay focused, okay? And let me tell you something. If we win together, we can end

the "drama-la" and the "trauma-la" and go relax in our "pajama-las."

**

**

>> Doug, honey, where are you?

The debate's about to start.

>> Right here, Momala. It is I, Doug.

[ Theme music plays ]

>> Hello, and welcome to the CBS vice presidential debate.

I'm Norah O'Donnell. >> I'm Margaret Brennan.

>> Now let's say hello and then goodbye for the next four years

to our vice presidential candidates, JD Vance and

Tim Walz.

>> That's a good handshake.

I like this guy. >> Gentlemen, welcome to the

debate. Mr. Vance, please give your

opening statement. >> Thank you for having me.

I want to begin with something that'll appeal to women voters.

I understand that both moderators tonight are mothers,

and [chuckles] I like that. >> Okay.

And, Governor Walz, it looks like you're already scribbling

a bunch of notes. Are you preparing your answers?

>> Nah, I got to grade these papers.

Got a stack of midterms. >> Okay.

We begin tonight with the topic of Israel.

Senator Vance, how would you solve the ongoing crisis in the

Middle East? >> You know, that is such an

important question, Margaret, one that deserves an answer

because it's important. And it's a question that you

asked of me tonight.

>> You're not gonna answer,

are you? >> No, I'm not.

>> And, Governor Walz, same question to you.

>> Uh, I don't know the answer, so I'm gonna just say the word

"fundamental" a bunch. 'Cause debating is 30% fun

and 70% "damental." How am I doing?

[ Chuckles ]

>> Okay. Okay. He's out there.

He's doing his thing, whatever that may be. [ Laughs ]

>> Come on. Just relax. You know, you haven't had a night off in three months.

Do you want to watch something less stressful, like the Menendez brothers show?

>> I don't know, Dougie. I kind of wish I had picked Josh right now.

>> Oh, Josh Shapiro? >> No. Josh Cabernet. >> Ah.

Look, Tim will be fine. It's not like he's gonna say something crazy.

>> I've become friends with

school shooters.

connecting, but let's move on.

Governor Walz, you claimed you were in Hong Kong during the

1989 Tiananmen Square massacre when you were home in Minnesota.

Can you explain that? >> So, I think what happened is

I went to Epcot. You can go around the whole

world and I had a couple in the Germany section and I thought

I went to China. Anyway, I'm a knucklehead.

But I'm sure this guy has some things he'd want to, you know,

back out of, as well. >> [ Chuckles ]

He's right about that. That's -- That's an area...

>> Both: Where we have a lot of common ground.

[ Berlin's "Take My Breath Away" plays ]

**

>> Why are they friends? Why are they vibing?

>> Hey, uh, Momala, it's Joe Biden. >> I can't talk right now.

Tell him I'm not here. >> No, no, like he's in the room.

>> Oh. >> Hi.

You're not -- You're not here. I'll come back later.

>> No, no, Joe, Joe Biden, come in, come in. Good to see you.

It's nice and dry. >> [ Muttering ] Ah!

You been watching this guy? Come on, Walz. What's wrong with that guy?

He's crazy. Get your facts straight, Jack! You gotta hit them with a

"no joke, here's a deal, let me be clear."

Anyway, guess what, and by the way, he should be talking about

all the great things we've done. Gas prices down! Border crossings down!

Emmys for "The Bear" down! Everybody get down...tonight. Anyway...

>> Well, we'd like to end

tonight on the topic of democracy.

Senator Vance, your running mate refused to accept the results

of the last election. Would you have certified the

results? >> You know, Norah, it's rich to

say that Donald Trump is a threat to democracy when he

peacefully gave over power -- we said no fact checking --

and willingly -- and willingly -- don't check that --

got on his plane without incident -- don't -- right after

saving Obamacare. Don't check that.

>> Well, if we're allowed to stand up here and lie, then I

would like to say I actually was in Tiananmen Square.

And you know what? There's 10 seconds on the clock

here, and I got to get some points on the board here, so I'm

just gonna chuck a Hail Mary. Senator, will you admit that

Donald Trump lost the election? >> You know, Tim, I'm focused

on the future. >> Boom! It's good!

[ Laughs ]

>> Honey, we did it. We got the sound bite.

What are the pollsters saying? >> Well, this is a huge victory. It made no difference.

>> That's right. Hey, kiddo -- Let me give you -- Let me give

you a little bit of a pep talk. Here's the deal. I'm being serious right now.

Come on, look at me.

I'm serious right now. It's about the president.

Pardon me. The vice president doesn't matter.

>> Well... >> I mean, who the hell knows -- Oh.

Who the hell -- Who the hell was Obama's VP? Nobody knows.

>> Well, that -- That was you. That was you.

>> You're gonna make a great president. >> Yeah.

>> And when you're done, it'll be my turn. Biden 2028!

>> Oh, my God.

**

**

**

Good evening. I'm Bret Baier,

and to clear the air, yes, I do look like someone made

a businessman in "Minecraft." Tonight, I am speaking

to Vice President Kamala Harris. Let's welcome

her now to Fox News. [ Cheers and applause ]

It's a pleasure to have

you here with us. >> Thank you, Bret.

The pleasure is neither of ours. >> Well, thank you,

Madam Vice President. Now, when I interviewed

President Trump, my first question was,

what do you think is the most important issue

facing our nation? So my first question for you

is, give me the exact number of murderers

you let loose in this country. >> Bret, I'm glad you brought up

the topic of immigration. >> A million, 2 million?

>> Okay, the first thing we did in office

was to introduce a bill. >> 10 million? Give me a number.

>> Bret, we came up with a bipartisan bill --

>> But did it have a number, though?

>> May I please finish? >> I'm asking you to.

>> Well, then you have to listen.

>> Well, I can't because I'm talking.

>> Well, when will you stop? >> Maybe when I go to bed.

>> Okay. Bret, look, I am the only candidate

who has prosecuted transnational criminal organizations.

I brought down the Sinaloa cartel.

I brought down the Guadalajara cartel.

If I was in "Breaking Bad," it would have ended

in three episodes.

>> Madam Vice President,

are you here to answer questions or just looking

for a viral moment? >> Oh, please.

I am not looking for a viral moment.

See how I don't let men interrupt my answers?

Very demure, very mindful.

>> Okay, now you're

just throwing out memes. >> That is not true.

I am here to reach across the aisle.

Hundreds of Republicans have endorsed me because...

in da clurb, we all fam.

>> I'm not familiar with the

clurb. But are we all fam?

You've been pretty divisive. You've called

Donald Trump unfit. >> Yes.

>> Unstable. >> Yeah.

>> Not able to lead. >> Period.

>> Unchecked. >> Did I stutter?

Look, Donald Trump talks about the enemy within.

He said he would turn the military

on the American people. >> We actually asked the former

president about this today. Take a look.

>> * YMCA * * It's fun to stay at the *

* YMCA * >> We're doing a music.

>> With all due respect,

that is not the right clip.

>> I think you have to admit he

makes a pretty compelling argument.

>> Look, he can dance all he wants to YMCA

or to any other song he doesn't realize is a gay anthem.

See, this election is about contrast.

At my rallies, there's Beyoncé and Joy

and bathrooms. At his rallies,

he won't pay for the buses, and hundreds of

elderly people got to walk back to their car 6 miles through

the desert like an Old Testament Fyre Festival.

>> So, are you saying Trump voters are misguided

or are they stupid? >> Oh, no, I would never say

that. >> Are they idiots who can't

think for themselves? Are they morons,

slack-jaws, stump-humpers, cross-eyed meatheads?

>> Bret, Bret, you're trying real hard

to make me say something bad. >> But they're at least fat,

right? Some of them are very fat.

>> Okay, Bret, let's move on. >> Okay, fine.

So you're not denying that they're fat.

>> Oh, my dear God. >> You're very sexy

when you're angry. You know that?

>> Yes, I do. [ Cheers and applause ]

Next question.

>> I want to ask you about Joe Biden.

Here's what he recently said about you

and your candidacy.

>> Folks, we have

other problems on our hands. I'm being serious. Come on.

Four years ago, it was amazing. It was the guy you wanted,

but now they got this girl, and people are going,

"What's she doing here?" Come on.

>> Okay. Bret, you and I both know he is

talking about the new "Joker" movie with Lady Gaga.

Can you keep rolling it, please? >> And why did she sing?

What's a Folie à deux? What's a Ga-Ga-Ga-Goo-Ga?

What is it? Come on. No Joker. No joke.

>> Okay, maybe you're right, but while...

[ Cheers and applause ] While we're on the topic,

when did you first notice that Joe Biden's mental

faculties were diminished? faculties were diminished?

>> Bret, I have watched J-Biden from the Oval Office

to the Situation Room. And J-Biden is J-Bright.

He J-Brilliant. But my presidency

will J-basically J-be J-billion times J-better.

[ Cheers and applause ]

>> So your presidency

would be different than Biden's. >> Of course.

We're very different. For example,

I am comfortable saying the word "abortion."

>> Aah! >> You can't handle that, Bret?

Abortion. >> God!

>> Uterus. >> No!

>> Menstruation. >> You're lying!

I'm going to hit her back with the male equivalent.

Balls! >> Okay, Bret, I can handle

that. I am here doing an interview

with an openly hostile network, and Trump has canceled all

of his interviews. >> That's not true.

Donald Trump just did a town hall

with his sworn enemy, Univision. Let's take a look.

>> Mr. President, I want to give you

the opportunity to win back my vote.

After what happened on January 6th,

why would I support you? >> You know, I'm just going to

make it crystal-clear, okay? January 6th was a day of love,

Alright? Love and peace.

It was basically Woodstock. People were being peaceful.

No one died, except for the few that did.

And so now that I got your vote, let's dance.

>> * It's raining men * * Hallelujah, it's raining men *

>> Does he

not listen to the lyrics? >> Before we wrap up, tell us

why the American people should vote for you.

>> Because I have a plan. >> Well, what is it?

>> Well, I'm trying to tell you. I'm trying to listen.

>> Then stop talking. >> I don't know how.

>> Just shut your mouth. >> I don't think it does.

>> Okay. May I finish? >> Go ahead.

>> The American people -- >> Not now, though.

>> The American people -- >> Are you excited for "Wicked"?

>> The American people -- >> That was fun, right?

I had fun. We're out of time. Thanks for joining me.

**

**

[ Cheers and applause ]

>> This is it, the tomb where his body is laid.

>> Mother Mary, dry your tears. Mary and I are here to support you.

>> Mary is right. Also, when we're done grieving, maybe we should come up

with a girl's name other than Mary. [ Rumbling ]

>> What is that noise that comes from within? >> Look!

The stone -- it rolls away! >> Is it Jesus? >> Basically, yes.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Happy Easter, everybody. As it was stated in the Bible,

guess who's back, back again, Shady's back. Alright, girls, you can go.

No more lines. You did great. Bye-bye. Get out of here.

That's right. It's Easter, the time of year when I compare myself

to Jesus Christ. That's just a thing I do now, and people

seem to be okay with it. I'm going to keep doing it. And if you think that this is

a bad look, imagine how weird it would be if I started selling Bibles.

Well... I'm selling Bibles.

Look at this beautiful Bible.

Made from 100% Bible.

Sounds like a joke, and, in many ways it is,

but it's also very real. As you know, I love Bible. It's my favorite book.

I have definitely read it. My favorite part is probably the ending, how it all wraps up.

But this is a very special Bible, and it could be yours for the high, high price of $60.

But I'm not doing this for the money. I'm doing this for the glory

of God and for pandering and mostly for money. But it's so sad.

Religion and Christianity are totally gone from this country, and we need them back.

Without religion, you don't have laws. You don't have mission trips.

I'm told mission trips are a lot of fun. You go to Mexico,

you build a house, maybe you make out with someone on the last night.

Then, of course, it's back to Clearwater, Florida, like it never happened.

But you're going to love my new and, I would say, even better Bible.

It comes with everything you like from Bible, like the story of Easter,

which primarily concerns Jesus, not so much the bunny. I kept waiting for the bunny

to show up. He never showed up. That's okay.

Now, my Bible also includes some beautiful illustrations, like Moses floating

down the river in the basket. And uh-oh! Look out! Here's Trump in the basket

right behind Moses, about to pass on the left. And here I am in the Garden

of Eden with my actual body. You know, I think I'd be very good at

saying no to the snake, from the standpoint of not liking fruit.

And here's Noah's Ark. All the animals are on the ark, of course.

And there's me yelling at Noah, "Hey, buddy, you forgot the raccoons."

But we love religion and we love God. He's probably the best part

of the Holy Trinity. He's like Beyoncé. "Cowboy Carter."

God's the Beyoncé, Jesus is the Kelly Rowland, and Holy Ghost would probably

be the black Michelle Williams, who's very important to a great number of people,

almost as important as the white Michelle Williams is to white people.

And we believe there was a fourth Destiny Child, but we'll be looking into

that very strongly. Be looking into that very shortly.

"Bills, Bills, Bills." That's a good one. I like that one.

I'd love someone to pay mine. Any takers? No? Well,

back to my beautiful Bible, which also includes Constitution and Pledge of Allegiance

and -- I don't know -- maybe Miranda Rights, which means, unfortunately,

we had to make some cuts. This Bible will not feature Amos or Habakkuk.

Sorry, Habakkuk. But now I think it really cooks. It's tight.

And if you order now, we'll also throw in a free Trump Miracle Toaster.

You know, how sometimes, weirdos see a picture of Jesus or something in their toast?

Well, how about the miracle of Trump? And this is great.

The other side does Hello Kitty, if you have a daughter or perhaps a son

who's taking dance classes. Anyway, it's Easter Eve, so let us bow our heads --

I'm not going to -- and say the Lord's Prayer, which we all know very well,

me especially. Our father who are in heaven, hallowed be -- be --

bing-bing-bing-bing-bong. Bing-bong-bing-bing-bing. Trespass.

Daily bread! And please lead us into temptation

and pay our automo-bills. In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Easter Bunny.

Amen.

**

**

>> 30-year-old Gordon Dwyer just couldn't catch a break.

Not at work... >> Dwyer! >> Whoa!

>> ...not in love... [ Buzzes ] ...and especially not on the

court. >> Gordon for 3! >> Nice shot, idiot!

>> Why am I such a loser? >> But that's all about to change.

>> "Gordon, thought you could use these. Donald J. Trump"?

Whoa! Trump "Never Surrender"

sneakers? Awesome! I'm open.

>> And Gordon Dwyer's about to find out that winning... >> Come on, man.

How'd you miss that? >> ...is a state of mind. >> [ As Trump ] I didn't miss.

It went in. >> Oh. Alright. >> From Newsmax Studios and the

writer of "Like Mike" comes another magical sneaker movie for white people.

>> So you're saying these Trump shoes made you good at basketball?

>> No. They gave me the power to sayI'm good at basketball and then double down on that until

people actually start to believe it. >> Now he gets whatever he

wants. >> Mr. Mitchell. >> What?

>> Everybody's saying I should have your office because my cubicle's a disaster right now.

>> Well, can I have a minute to gather my things? >> Bye-bye.

>> He gets whoeverhe wants. >> Wow. That was the most fantastic love-making you've

ever had. >> Not really. It only lasted -- >> Two hours.

That was a two-hour love session. You had a big "O" in there, a

very big "O." >> I did? Oh. Want to go again?

>> I'd love to, but you're too tired. >> Hmm.

>> And he is whatever he says he is. >> Excuse me, excuse me.

It's 170. >> Now he's a brand-new man.

And people are noticing. >> Nice shoes.

But, you know, in many ways, the real magic has been inside of you all along.

** >> Wrong. It comes from the shoes, and

you're coming off as very stupid and, frankly, quite rude, walking in here like this.

>> My work here is done. In terms of basketball-movie pastiche and with regard to

shoes, I think we've done a wonderful...

>> Oh, you got new shoes, too? >> Yeah. Air Bidens.

Now pass me the rock. Here we go. Uh-oh. [ Cheers and applause ]

**

Later, Jimmy Fallon welcomes Kevin Kline.

NBC tonight.