All language subtitles for Saturday Night Live S50E00 The 2024 SNL Election Special 1080p WEB h264-EDITH_track3_[eng]

[ Theme music plays ]

>> Good evening.
I'm Kaitlan Collins.

Despite repeated offers
from the Harris campaign,

Donald Trump has officially
refused to appear in another

debate, saying, "It's not
because I'm scared, so don't

tell people I'm scared."

However, there was one format in
which President Trump was

willing to face off against
Harris.
We take you live to that now.

>> It's time for "Family Feud:

Election Showdown."
And here's your host,

Steve Harvey!

>> Okay. Okay.
>> Okay. Okay.

Now, alright, welcome to
"Family Feud," election edition.
I am Steve Harvey, and I have

spent the past 20 years hosting
every show on TV as my alibi
for them Diddy parties.

Alright, now, tonight, we got
two political rivals.
On this side it's the Democrats,

led by Vice President
Kamala Harris.
>> [ Laughs ]

>> [ Laughs ]
Oh, oh, it's wonderful to be
here, Steve.

I love to see a man getting
paid millions of dollars
at his Black job.

>> And I'd like to say a Black
thank-you.
You have been out there

this week.
I saw you on Univision
and Stephen Colbert.

>> Yeah, Steve, it's been a hell
of a week.
I went on "Howard Stern" to

reach the horny cab drivers.
I went on "The View"
for the horny moms.

And I also went on the podcast,
"Call Her Daddy" because I have
a message.

I have a message for young
women, okay?
You need to go to the ballot box

if you want the government
out your ballot box.
>> Okay.

Okay, I see what you did there.
I see what you did there.
>> Yeah, yeah, and it's working.

My campaign has raised
$1 billion.
>> Oh my, Lord.

How are you not winning
by a landslide?
>> [ Laughing sadly ]

Yeah, that's a question I scream
into my pillow every morning.
>> Okay, next on Team Harris

is the second gentleman himself,
Mr. Doug Emhoff.
>> Yes. Hello. Hi.

'Tis I, Doug, a.k.a.
"Doug the Shrug," a.k.a. if
Mr. Belding from

Saved by the Bell" had sex
with a menorah.
>> Alright, next to Doug is

Minnesota governor Tim Walz.
>> Great to be on the "Feud."
>> Uh, Tim, when Black comedians

talk about white people,
they're talking about you.
>> I do be like that.

>> Yeah, you do.
And finally on the Democrat side
is President Joe Biden.

>> I wanted to say --
Folks, folks.
Thank you, Regis.

Great to be here on
"The Crew" -- the "Family Food,"
food-a-doo, dude!

I gotta say, you're looking
pretty good.
>> Yeah, 'cause I'm getting my

rest.
Number one, I sleep when I can.
Number two, I'm asleep right

now.
>> Alright, then, let's meet the
Republicans.

On the top of the ticket, we got
a man who evicted me from my
apartment in 1982,

President Donald Trump.
>> Yes. Thank you. Steve.
It's great to be here on "Feud"

going up against "Kamalala."
>> Now, Donald, I gotta say, I
respect you because we both wear

long ties.
Yeah, neck to nuts.
Mm-hmm.

Alright, let's move over to
President Trump's lovely wife,
Melania.

Oh, she ain't here.
>> It's so strange.
I could have sworn she was

standing right beside me
about two years ago.
But in her place, I brought a

beloved member of the Trump
family and also Don Jr.
>> [ Laughs ] Hilarious, Dad.

>> And, Steve, can I just say,
it's so refreshing to be on a
show that celebrates families,

unlike the Democrats who turned
our hero, the Joker, into a gay
guy who's obsessed with

Lady Gaga.
>> Okay, give me Kamala.
Give me Trump.

Let's play the "Feud"!
Let's play the "Feud"!
**

>> Okay.
>> I'm telling you, Steve, she's
gonna be horrible at this game.

She's a very low-IQ person.
The whole world is laughing at
her because they don't respect

her like they respected me.
>> Well, okay, Steve, the fact
is Donald Trump likes dictators,

alright?
Because anyone can manipulate
him simply through flattery.

>> That's simply not true.
It's not true.
>> Okay.

You look handsome tonight.
>> I love her. Isn't she great?
She's got my vote.

>> Alright, let's play the game.
Okay, 100 people surveyed,
top 6 answers on the board.

Name something that you keep
in your glove compartment.
Oh, VP Harris.

Oh, VP Harris.
>> Steve, look, I was raised in
a middle-class family, alright?

>> Oh, here we go.
>> Okay, my mother raised my
sister and me, alright?

She worked hard and saved up.
>> Yeah, uh-huh.
>> And we had a second mother,

too.
>> Okay.
Did that mother have a glove

compartment?
>> A small-business owner
named Miss Shelton.

>> Okay, we got that.
Something that you keep in your
glove compartment.

>> Oh, a Glock, Steve,
a big old Glock.
>> Oh!

[ Chuckling ] Oh.
Oh, snap.
Okay, so you strapped like that.

Alright.
Show me the blip-blam-blicky.
Alright. Number 2 answer.

The Democrats is controlling the
board.
Let's go.

>> [ Laughing ] Yeah!
>> Alright, Doug "Em-em-off,"
name something that you keep

in your glove compartment.
>> Oh, wow.
I mean, I can't top that.

It was so perfect.
I'll go with the same answer,
Steve -- a Glock.

>> Man, you want to give the
same answer?
Oh, that seem like a bad

strategy, but show me another
blip-blam-blicky!
blip-blam-blicky!

Oh!
Wow.
That's crazy. A second gun.

That's the number 1 answer.
Damn, America.
Whew. Alright.

Let's go over to Tim Walz.
Okay, something that you keep
in your glove compartment.

>> This is right in my
wheelhouse.
In my glove box, I got Hothands,

napkins from Runza, and got to
have Tums in case I eat
something spicy like tomato.

>> If you say so.
Show me some white nonsense.
Ohh!

Sorry. It's not up there.
Let's go over to
President Joe Biden.

Something that you keep in your
glove box.
>> I like to buy a vowel.

>> That is -- That's the wrong
game, player.
>> Come on, Conan.

What are you doing?
It's me.
I'm still the president.

I'm Joe.
I may be older, but I'll beat
the hell out of you.

I'll pop you.
I'll give you a knuckle
sandwich.

I know how to do it.
I can make sandwiches.
And guess what.

Here's the deal.
I'm not the old one now.
Trump is.

The only difference, I know when
to walk away -- about six months
too late.

>> Okay, show me whatever that
was.
Oh, man!

That was an answer so bad,
they gave you a double X.
Alright, Republicans, you got a

chance to steal.
Something that you keep in your
car's glove box.

>> I've been told not to speak.
>> Same here.
>> Alright, President Trump,

what you got?
>> Well, Steve, I've never
ridden in front seat of car,

so this question is very unfair.
So to answer this I'm gonna do
one of my signature weaves,

right?
It's called the weave, where I
say lots of different things,

but it all comes together so
beautifully, like an episode of
"Seinfeld."

"Seinfeld" -- you know, Jerry
was always wearing mom jeans.
He had bad jeans, just like the

immigrants who are ruining this
country.
They're eating the pets.

They're eating Moo Deng.
But it's so sad.
We are getting our asses kicked.

I mean, you look at Korea.
You look at Japan.
America is not even included.

There's no room.
So it's like glove compartment,
right?

There's no room.
You see what I did there, Steve?
>> Oh, yeah, I know exactly

what you did.
Show me dementia!
Oh!

Well, it looks like the
Democrats win.
>> Both: And live from New York,

it's "Saturday Night"!

**

**

[ Theme music plays ]
>> Good evening.

For ABC news, I'm David Muir.
And is it just me, or is it kind
of handsome in here?

I had hoped the takeaway of the
debate I moderated would be my
striking good looks, but

unfortunately it was whether or
not I was biased towards the
Democrats, which...duh.

But in the interest of fairness,
we'll be going live to rallies
from both candidates tonight.

Let's go first to Vice President
Kamala Harris.
>> * Freedom, freedom *

* I can't move *
* Freedom, cut me loose *
[ Cheers and applause ]

>> Oh!
Hello. Hello.

Well, well, well, look who fell
out of that coconut tree.
Well, your fun aunt has

returned.
The "funt" has been rebooted.
"2 Funt 2 Furious."

I am so happy to be campaigning
in whatever swing state I'm in,
which I will just refer to as

Wisconsi-Pennsylva-Georgia.
Because I am going to protect
your "va-georgia."

That's right.
You see, my campaign is like the

Sabrina Carpenter song
"Espresso."
The lyrics are vague, but the

vibe slaps.
And sure, I like to laugh.
I do. [ Laughs ]

But let me tell you something.
If you start talking nonsense to
me, I'm gonna hit you with one

of these.

Now, this election is about
moving forward.

You see, Donald Trump is stuck
in the past.
But it's like I say to my

husband, Doug, when he leaves
his phone at the Chili's.
We are not going back.

We're not.
And, you know, I am lucky enough

to have a running mate who
agrees.
Come on out here, Coach Walz!

>> Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey!

Whoo!
>> Yeah.

>> Folks, I haven't been this
excited since I got a 10% rebate
on a leaf blower from Menards.

What can I say?
I got that BDE --
big dad energy.

[ Laughs ] See what I did there?
You get it?
>> I got it.

I didn't want it, but I got it.
>> You know, Trump and Vance are
weird, alright?

They want the government to
control what you do in your
bedroom and what books you read.

You know, in Minnesota, we have
a saying -- mind your damn
business.

We also have another saying
in Minnesota -- my nuts froze
to the park bench.

I gotta be honest here, folks.
When Kamala Harris called me and

asked me to be her vice
president, I said, "Uh, yeah!"
This is personal for me.

I love this country.
And as a former teacher,
I need the money.

This suit is from Costco.
It's a Kirkland brand.
They make great dog food.

>> Alright, alright.
Thank you, Tim.
Oh! Thank you. Wow.

You are -- Wow.
Thank you.
What a loud treasure.

Okay. We love him.
But, you know -- you know, Tim
is not the only white dude for

Harris here today.
There's a very special one who's
given me so much, including a

sweet son and a very Brooklyn
daughter.
It's my husband -- Doug.

>> * Teach me how to dougie *
>> * Teach me how to dougie *
* Teach me how to dougie *

* Teach me how to dougie *
* Teach me how to dougie *

>> Hello, hello!
'Tis I, Doug,

the Second Gentle-mensch,
also known as Charlie Brown
if he was a grown-up.

Guys, how amazing is Kamala?
I mean, look at her!
>> Baby, stop it.

>> Oh, I feel like I'm in one of
those movies where Seth Rogen
dates Charlize Theron.

I mean, how did I get this
woman?
And look, I've heard what the

right says about me just because
I'm unapologetic about being a
man supporting his wife.

"Oh, he's a beta, a wife guy,
a trad-hus, a little spoon."
Well, you know what?

If helping Kamala, who we call
"Momala" in my family -- not
sure if I mentioned that --

become president being a little
spooned, then you can cup my
little butt!

'Cause I am proud to join the
esteemed list of presidential
spouses throughout history,

women and men, but all women
that have stood by the
president's side.

And I, for one, can't wait to
decorate the White House for
Christmas.

The theme will be Hanukkah.

* Just keep -- *
>> Well, it certainly seems like

a party over at the Harris
rally.
Let's see how it's going now

with Donald Trump at his rally,
which is entering its third
hour.

I miss Joe Biden! Oh, Joe!
We miss Joe Biden, folks.
What we wouldn't give to have

him stand next to me and be old.
We had this in the bag, but then
they did a switcheroo and they

swapped out Biden with
"Kamabala."
And now everything is chaos.

They're eating the dogs.
They're eating the cats.
They're taking your pets and

they're doing freak-offs.
They're doing freak-offs with
the dogs, and they're making the

geese watch.
It's very sad. It's very sad.
They're doing a Diddy.

At least, that's what I'm told
by my running mate, JD Vance.
People are saying he was a bad

pick, and in many ways, he was.
JD, come on up.
>> [ Laughs ]

Thank you, President Trump.
Thank you.
Uh --

Okay.
He's -- He's gone.
He's taken the glass with him.

That's fine.
Anyway, hello, hello.
It is I, JD Vance.

How much do we love
Donald Trump?
You know, just this afternoon,

he told me, "JD, you're like a
son to me 'cause I don't like
you and I'm stuck with you."

And I'm sure you've all heard
what the liberal media's been
saying about me.

I'm a creep.
I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?

I'll tell you what I'm doing
here -- getting this crowd
hyped!

[ Chuckles ]
Ah, you guys are awesome.

[ Chuckles ]
>> Oh, we apologize.
The Trump campaign is asking us

to cut away from his rally and
to return instead to
Vice President Harris, where the

Okay, listen up, everyone.
We couldn't have gotten here
without one man, and his name is

Joe Biden.
Get on out here, Joe Biden.
Get on out here, Joe Biden.

>> Folks, that's right.
A lot of people forget I'm

president, including me.
But guess what.
And by the way...

...I think I did a pretty good
job.

I passed more bills than any
president in history.
But, folks, we still got work

to do, no joke.
I'm being serious right now.
Come on.

And guess what, and by the way,
the fact of the matter is...
[whispering] the rich don't pay

their fair share.
[ Normal voice ] They got to pay
their fair share.

We gotta build back better,
the build back to better, the
better to bar to be-- build

back the better can't -- can't
believe it's not butter!
>> Thank you, Joe Biden.

Thank you so much.
Thank you. Thank you.
And I just want to say --

I just want to say thank you,
Joe Biden.
Thank you for putting country

first and for handing over the
reins.
>> I didn't want to.

They made me.
And guess what, and by the way,
the fact the matter is, no joke.

This is serious right now.
I'm being serious.
Anyway, in conclusion, me and

Vice President Harris are the
same.
>> Oh, okay. Ha-ha. Great stuff.

Thank you, Joe.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.

Alright, goodbye, Joe.
Goodbye, Joe Biden.
Joe Biden, everyone.

Now...
Isn't he great?
Now, listen. Listen, alright?

We got to stay focused, okay?
And let me tell you something.
If we win together, we can end

the "drama-la" and the
"trauma-la" and go relax
in our "pajama-las."

**

**

>> Doug, honey, where are you?

The debate's about to start.

>> Right here, Momala.
It is I, Doug.

[ Theme music plays ]

>> Hello, and welcome to the CBS
vice presidential debate.

I'm Norah O'Donnell.
>> I'm Margaret Brennan.

>> Now let's say hello and then
goodbye for the next four years

to our vice presidential
candidates, JD Vance and

Tim Walz.

>> That's a good handshake.

I like this guy.
>> Gentlemen, welcome to the

debate.
Mr. Vance, please give your

opening statement.
>> Thank you for having me.

I want to begin with something
that'll appeal to women voters.

I understand that both
moderators tonight are mothers,

and [chuckles] I like that.
>> Okay.

And, Governor Walz, it looks
like you're already scribbling

a bunch of notes.
Are you preparing your answers?

>> Nah, I got to grade these
papers.

Got a stack of midterms.
>> Okay.

We begin tonight with the topic
of Israel.

Senator Vance, how would you
solve the ongoing crisis in the

Middle East?
>> You know, that is such an

important question, Margaret,
one that deserves an answer

because it's important.
And it's a question that you

asked of me tonight.

>> You're not gonna answer,

are you?
>> No, I'm not.

>> And, Governor Walz, same
question to you.

>> Uh, I don't know the answer,
so I'm gonna just say the word

"fundamental" a bunch.
'Cause debating is 30% fun

and 70% "damental."
How am I doing?

[ Chuckles ]

>> Okay. Okay.
He's out there.

He's doing his thing,
whatever that may be.
[ Laughs ]

>> Come on. Just relax.
You know, you haven't had a
night off in three months.

Do you want to watch something
less stressful, like the
Menendez brothers show?

>> I don't know, Dougie.
I kind of wish I had picked Josh
right now.

>> Oh, Josh Shapiro?
>> No. Josh Cabernet.
>> Ah.

Look, Tim will be fine.
It's not like he's gonna say
something crazy.

>> I've become friends with

school shooters.

connecting, but let's move on.

Governor Walz, you claimed you
were in Hong Kong during the

1989 Tiananmen Square massacre
when you were home in Minnesota.

Can you explain that?
>> So, I think what happened is

I went to Epcot.
You can go around the whole

world and I had a couple in the
Germany section and I thought

I went to China.
Anyway, I'm a knucklehead.

But I'm sure this guy has some
things he'd want to, you know,

back out of, as well.
>> [ Chuckles ]

He's right about that.
That's -- That's an area...

>> Both: Where we have a lot of
common ground.

[ Berlin's "Take My Breath
Away" plays ]

**

>> Why are they friends?
Why are they vibing?

>> Hey, uh, Momala, it's
Joe Biden.
>> I can't talk right now.

Tell him I'm not here.
>> No, no, like he's in the
room.

>> Oh.
>> Hi.

You're not -- You're not here.
I'll come back later.

>> No, no, Joe, Joe Biden,
come in, come in.
Good to see you.

It's nice and dry.
>> [ Muttering ]
Ah!

You been watching this guy?
Come on, Walz.
What's wrong with that guy?

He's crazy.
Get your facts straight, Jack!
You gotta hit them with a

"no joke, here's a deal,
let me be clear."

Anyway, guess what, and by the
way, he should be talking about

all the great things we've done.
Gas prices down!
Border crossings down!

Emmys for "The Bear" down!
Everybody get down...tonight.
Anyway...

>> Well, we'd like to end

tonight on the topic of
democracy.

Senator Vance, your running mate
refused to accept the results

of the last election.
Would you have certified the

results?
>> You know, Norah, it's rich to

say that Donald Trump is a
threat to democracy when he

peacefully gave over power --
we said no fact checking --

and willingly -- and
willingly -- don't check that --

got on his plane without
incident -- don't -- right after

saving Obamacare.
Don't check that.

>> Well, if we're allowed to
stand up here and lie, then I

would like to say I actually was
in Tiananmen Square.

And you know what?
There's 10 seconds on the clock

here, and I got to get some
points on the board here, so I'm

just gonna chuck a Hail Mary.
Senator, will you admit that

Donald Trump lost the election?
>> You know, Tim, I'm focused

on the future.
>> Boom! It's good!

[ Laughs ]

>> Honey, we did it.
We got the sound bite.

What are the pollsters saying?
>> Well, this is a huge victory.
It made no difference.

>> That's right.
Hey, kiddo --
Let me give you -- Let me give

you a little bit of a pep talk.
Here's the deal.
I'm being serious right now.

Come on, look at me.

I'm serious right now.
It's about the president.

Pardon me.
The vice president doesn't
matter.

>> Well...
>> I mean, who the hell knows --
Oh.

Who the hell -- Who the hell
was Obama's VP?
Nobody knows.

>> Well, that --
That was you.
That was you.

>> You're gonna make a great
president.
>> Yeah.

>> And when you're done,
it'll be my turn.
Biden 2028!

>> Oh, my God.

**

**

**

Good evening. I'm Bret Baier,

and to clear the air, yes,
I do look like someone made

a businessman in "Minecraft."
Tonight, I am speaking

to Vice President Kamala Harris.
Let's welcome

her now to Fox News.
[ Cheers and applause ]

It's a pleasure to have

you here with us.
>> Thank you, Bret.

The pleasure is neither of ours.
>> Well, thank you,

Madam Vice President.
Now, when I interviewed

President Trump,
my first question was,

what do you think is
the most important issue

facing our nation?
So my first question for you

is, give me the exact number
of murderers

you let loose in this country.
>> Bret, I'm glad you brought up

the topic of immigration.
>> A million, 2 million?

>> Okay, the first thing
we did in office

was to introduce a bill.
>> 10 million? Give me a number.

>> Bret, we came up
with a bipartisan bill --

>> But did it have a number,
though?

>> May I please finish?
>> I'm asking you to.

>> Well, then you have to
listen.

>> Well, I can't
because I'm talking.

>> Well, when will you stop?
>> Maybe when I go to bed.

>> Okay. Bret, look,
I am the only candidate

who has prosecuted transnational
criminal organizations.

I brought
down the Sinaloa cartel.

I brought down
the Guadalajara cartel.

If I was in "Breaking Bad,"
it would have ended

in three episodes.

>> Madam Vice President,

are you here to answer questions
or just looking

for a viral moment?
>> Oh, please.

I am not looking
for a viral moment.

See how I don't let
men interrupt my answers?

Very demure, very mindful.

>> Okay, now you're

just throwing out memes.
>> That is not true.

I am here to reach
across the aisle.

Hundreds of Republicans
have endorsed me because...

in da clurb, we all fam.

>> I'm not familiar with the

clurb.
But are we all fam?

You've been pretty divisive.
You've called

Donald Trump unfit.
>> Yes.

>> Unstable.
>> Yeah.

>> Not able to lead.
>> Period.

>> Unchecked.
>> Did I stutter?

Look, Donald Trump talks about
the enemy within.

He said he would turn
the military

on the American people.
>> We actually asked the former

president about this today.
Take a look.

>> * YMCA *
* It's fun to stay at the *

* YMCA *
>> We're doing a music.

>> With all due respect,

that is not the right clip.

>> I think you have to admit he

makes a pretty compelling
argument.

>> Look, he can dance all
he wants to YMCA

or to any other song he
doesn't realize is a gay anthem.

See, this election is about
contrast.

At my rallies,
there's Beyoncé and Joy

and bathrooms.
At his rallies,

he won't pay for the buses,
and hundreds of

elderly people got to walk back
to their car 6 miles through

the desert like
an Old Testament Fyre Festival.

>> So, are you saying
Trump voters are misguided

or are they stupid?
>> Oh, no, I would never say

that.
>> Are they idiots who can't

think for themselves?
Are they morons,

slack-jaws, stump-humpers,
cross-eyed meatheads?

>> Bret, Bret,
you're trying real hard

to make me say something bad.
>> But they're at least fat,

right?
Some of them are very fat.

>> Okay, Bret, let's move on.
>> Okay, fine.

So you're not denying
that they're fat.

>> Oh, my dear God.
>> You're very sexy

when you're angry.
You know that?

>> Yes, I do.
[ Cheers and applause ]

Next question.

>> I want to ask
you about Joe Biden.

Here's what
he recently said about you

and your candidacy.

>> Folks, we have

other problems on our hands.
I'm being serious. Come on.

Four years ago, it was amazing.
It was the guy you wanted,

but now they got this girl,
and people are going,

"What's she doing here?"
Come on.

>> Okay.
Bret, you and I both know he is

talking about the new "Joker"
movie with Lady Gaga.

Can you keep rolling it, please?
>> And why did she sing?

What's a Folie à deux?
What's a Ga-Ga-Ga-Goo-Ga?

What is it?
Come on. No Joker. No joke.

>> Okay, maybe you're right,
but while...

[ Cheers and applause ]
While we're on the topic,

when did you first
notice that Joe Biden's mental

faculties were diminished?
faculties were diminished?

>> Bret, I have watched
J-Biden from the Oval Office

to the Situation Room.
And J-Biden is J-Bright.

He J-Brilliant.
But my presidency

will J-basically J-be
J-billion times J-better.

[ Cheers and applause ]

>> So your presidency

would be different than Biden's.
>> Of course.

We're very different.
For example,

I am comfortable saying
the word "abortion."

>> Aah!
>> You can't handle that, Bret?

Abortion.
>> God!

>> Uterus.
>> No!

>> Menstruation.
>> You're lying!

I'm going to hit her back with
the male equivalent.

Balls!
>> Okay, Bret, I can handle

that.
I am here doing an interview

with an openly hostile network,
and Trump has canceled all

of his interviews.
>> That's not true.

Donald Trump just did
a town hall

with his sworn enemy, Univision.
Let's take a look.

>> Mr. President,
I want to give you

the opportunity
to win back my vote.

After
what happened on January 6th,

why would I support you?
>> You know, I'm just going to

make it crystal-clear, okay?
January 6th was a day of love,

Alright?
Love and peace.

It was basically Woodstock.
People were being peaceful.

No one died,
except for the few that did.

And so now that I got your vote,
let's dance.

>> * It's raining men *
* Hallelujah, it's raining men *

>> Does he

not listen to the lyrics?
>> Before we wrap up, tell us

why the American people
should vote for you.

>> Because I have a plan.
>> Well, what is it?

>> Well, I'm trying to tell you.
I'm trying to listen.

>> Then stop talking.
>> I don't know how.

>> Just shut your mouth.
>> I don't think it does.

>> Okay. May I finish?
>> Go ahead.

>> The American people --
>> Not now, though.

>> The American people --
>> Are you excited for "Wicked"?

>> The American people --
>> That was fun, right?

I had fun. We're out of time.
Thanks for joining me.

**

**

[ Cheers and applause ]

>> This is it,
the tomb where his body is laid.

>> Mother Mary, dry your tears.
Mary and I are here
to support you.

>> Mary is right.
Also, when we're done grieving,
maybe we should come up

with a girl's name
other than Mary.
[ Rumbling ]

>> What is that noise
that comes from within?
>> Look!

The stone -- it rolls away!
>> Is it Jesus?
>> Basically, yes.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Happy Easter, everybody.
As it was stated in the Bible,

guess who's back, back again,
Shady's back.
Alright, girls, you can go.

No more lines. You did great.
Bye-bye.
Get out of here.

That's right.
It's Easter, the time of year
when I compare myself

to Jesus Christ.
That's just a thing I do now,
and people

seem to be okay with it.
I'm going to keep doing it.
And if you think that this is

a bad look,
imagine how weird it would be
if I started selling Bibles.

Well...
I'm selling Bibles.

Look at this beautiful Bible.

Made from 100% Bible.

Sounds like a joke,
and, in many ways it is,

but it's also very real.
As you know, I love Bible.
It's my favorite book.

I have definitely read it.
My favorite part is probably the
ending, how it all wraps up.

But this is a very special
Bible, and it could be yours
for the high, high price of $60.

But I'm not doing this
for the money.
I'm doing this for the glory

of God and for pandering
and mostly for money.
But it's so sad.

Religion and Christianity are
totally gone from this country,
and we need them back.

Without religion,
you don't have laws.
You don't have mission trips.

I'm told mission trips
are a lot of fun.
You go to Mexico,

you build a house,
maybe you make out with someone
on the last night.

Then, of course, it's back
to Clearwater, Florida,
like it never happened.

But you're going to love my new
and, I would say, even better
Bible.

It comes with everything
you like from Bible,
like the story of Easter,

which primarily concerns Jesus,
not so much the bunny.
I kept waiting for the bunny

to show up.
He never showed up.
That's okay.

Now, my Bible also includes
some beautiful illustrations,
like Moses floating

down the river in the basket.
And uh-oh! Look out!
Here's Trump in the basket

right behind Moses,
about to pass on the left.
And here I am in the Garden

of Eden with my actual body.
You know,
I think I'd be very good at

saying no to the snake, from
the standpoint of not liking
fruit.

And here's Noah's Ark.
All the animals are on the ark,
of course.

And there's me yelling at Noah,
"Hey, buddy, you forgot
the raccoons."

But we love religion
and we love God.
He's probably the best part

of the Holy Trinity.
He's like Beyoncé.
"Cowboy Carter."

God's the Beyoncé,
Jesus is the Kelly Rowland,
and Holy Ghost would probably

be the black Michelle Williams,
who's very important
to a great number of people,

almost as important
as the white Michelle Williams
is to white people.

And we believe there was
a fourth Destiny Child,
but we'll be looking into

that very strongly.
Be looking into
that very shortly.

"Bills, Bills, Bills."
That's a good one.
I like that one.

I'd love someone to pay mine.
Any takers?
No? Well,

back to my beautiful Bible,
which also includes Constitution
and Pledge of Allegiance

and -- I don't know --
maybe Miranda Rights,
which means, unfortunately,

we had to make some cuts.
This Bible will not feature
Amos or Habakkuk.

Sorry, Habakkuk.
But now I think it really cooks.
It's tight.

And if you order now,
we'll also throw in a free
Trump Miracle Toaster.

You know, how sometimes, weirdos
see a picture of Jesus
or something in their toast?

Well, how about the miracle
of Trump?
And this is great.

The other side does Hello Kitty,
if you have a daughter
or perhaps a son

who's taking dance classes.
Anyway, it's Easter Eve,
so let us bow our heads --

I'm not going to -- and say
the Lord's Prayer,
which we all know very well,

me especially.
Our father who are in heaven,
hallowed be -- be --

bing-bing-bing-bing-bong.
Bing-bong-bing-bing-bing.
Trespass.

Daily bread!
And please lead us
into temptation

and pay our automo-bills.
In the name of the Father,
the Son, and the Easter Bunny.

Amen.

**

**

>> 30-year-old Gordon Dwyer just
couldn't catch a break.

Not at work...
>> Dwyer!
>> Whoa!

>> ...not in love...
[ Buzzes ]
...and especially not on the

court.
>> Gordon for 3!
>> Nice shot, idiot!

>> Why am I such a loser?
>> But that's all about to
change.

>> "Gordon, thought you could
use these.
Donald J. Trump"?

Whoa!
Trump "Never Surrender"

sneakers?
Awesome!
I'm open.

>> And Gordon Dwyer's about to
find out that winning...
>> Come on, man.

How'd you miss that?
>> ...is a state of mind.
>> [ As Trump ] I didn't miss.

It went in.
>> Oh. Alright.
>> From Newsmax Studios and the

writer of "Like Mike" comes
another magical sneaker movie
for white people.

>> So you're saying these Trump
shoes made you good at
basketball?

>> No. They gave me the power to
sayI'm good at basketball and
then double down on that until

people actually start to believe
it.
>> Now he gets whatever he

wants.
>> Mr. Mitchell.
>> What?

>> Everybody's saying I should
have your office because my
cubicle's a disaster right now.

>> Well, can I have a minute to
gather my things?
>> Bye-bye.

>> He gets whoeverhe wants.
>> Wow. That was the most
fantastic love-making you've

ever had.
>> Not really. It only lasted --
>> Two hours.

That was a two-hour love
session.
You had a big "O" in there, a

very big "O."
>> I did?
Oh. Want to go again?

>> I'd love to, but you're too
tired.
>> Hmm.

>> And he is whatever he says he
is.
>> Excuse me, excuse me.

It's 170.
>> Now he's a brand-new man.

And people are noticing.
>> Nice shoes.

But, you know, in many ways, the
real magic has been inside of
you all along.

**
>> Wrong.
It comes from the shoes, and

you're coming off as very
stupid and, frankly, quite rude,
walking in here like this.

>> My work here is done.
In terms of basketball-movie
pastiche and with regard to

shoes, I think we've done a
wonderful...

>> Oh, you got new shoes, too?
>> Yeah. Air Bidens.

Now pass me the rock.
Here we go. Uh-oh.
[ Cheers and applause ]

**

Later, Jimmy
Fallon welcomes Kevin Kline.

NBC tonight.