All language subtitles for Saturday Night Live S50E00 A Saturday Night Live Thanksgiving Special 1080p WEB h264-EDITH_track3_[eng]

>> and, you know, most of all,
I'm just thankful for being home

For the holidays.
>> you know, I'm just thankful
That I met michelle this year.

And now I get to spend
Thanksgiving with your family.
You know, I'm really looking

Forward to getting to know you
Guys.
>> oh, I'm thankful that someone

In this family has a date.
I was going to bring a guy
I met on match.Com, but after we

Exchanged photos, I never heard
From him again.
[ wah-wah! ]

>> hey, can you pass some of
That turkey?

Oh, it looks juicy.
>> I'm sorry, I thought it was
All mine.

[ laughter ]
>> boy, the traffic was a
Disaster coming up, huh?

>> oh, yeah.
>> nothing compared to the
Disaster the chinese are going

Through.
[ wah-wah! ]
>> [ sighs ]

What?
>> they're still digging out
From typhoon season, just in

Time for the bird flu to take
Even more lives.
[ wah-wah! ]

>> uh, who wants some more wine?
>> I'd love some.
>> okay.

>> hey, do you guys think the
Pilgrims brought a bottle of
Pinot grigio to the first

Thanksgiving?
[ laughter ]
>> I'll tell you what the

Pilgrims did bring --
Smallpox.
It killed scores of

Native americans, ravaging their
Population.
[ wah-wah! ]

And that was before we got
Around to shattering their
Spirit.

[ wah-wah! ]
>> [ sighs ]
>> sweetheart, you look cute in

That tie.
>> hey, you should see me in my
Underwear.

[ both laugh ]
>> did you guys get tested?
[ wah-wah! ]

>> what?
>> well, you know, you think
You know someone, then you see

That "Oprah" about living on the
Down-low.
[ wah-wah! ]

>> um, I'd like to propose a
Toast.
>> all right.

>> okay, I'd like to welcome
Mark.
We're very happy that you're

Here.
Also, I'd like us all to
Remember grandma.

I'm sure she's looking down on
Us and smiling.
>> I hope it's the version

Of her before she was in the
Grips of dementia.
[ wah-wah! ]

Otherwise, she'd just be
Confused.
[ wah-wah! ]

>> [ clears throat ]
Well, I'm sure your grandma was
A great lady and really loved,

You know, most of you.
>> hey, could you pass the
Stuffing?

>> sure. Debbie, stuffing?
>> hey, frank, did you cook this
In the bird?

>> yeah, soaks up all the
Juices.
>> also soaks up an array of

Harmful bacteria, creating a
Breeding ground for food-borne
Illnesses.

[ wah-wah! ]
>> hey, can I say something?
I just want to say that I've

Never been happier than I am
Right now, and I never want this
Feeling to end, so...

>> [ gasps ]
>> oh, my god, mark!
>> michelle, will you marry me?

>> oh, my god, of course, yes!
[ cheers and applause ]
>> michelle, let's see the ring.

>> oh, it's beautiful.
Mark, this must have cost you
A fortune.

>> hey, just like they say --
Two months salary.
>> did you factor in the loss of

Life at the hands of the african
Diamond industry?
[ wah-wah! ]

>> you know what, debbie?
I've known you for less than a
Day, but I've kind of had it

With you.
I mean, I never said a word
When we were watching the

Parade, and you told me
Everything I could ever wish to
Know about al-qaeda, or when the

Garfield float came by, and you
Made that speech about
Feline aids.

>> it's the number-one killer
Of domestic cats.
[ meow-meow! ]

>> and that's very, very sad,
But I don't want to talk about
It during my marriage proposal.

>> come on, mark, we're going to
Go eat in the tv room.
>> excuse me.

>> [ sighs ]

>> guess who's got eczema?

Well, I guess it's just you and
Me, mr. Turkey.

[ turkey gobbles ]

>> it's "A saturday night live:
Thanksgiving"!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Paul simon!
[ cheers and applause ]

[ intro to "Still crazy after
All these years" plays ]

>> * I met my old lover on the
Street last night *

* she seemed so glad to see me,
I just smiled *
* and we talked about some old

Times *
* and we drank ourselves some
Beers *

* still crazy after all these
Years *
* oh, still cra--

Cut!
Okay, cut it.
[ music stops ]

Forget it, richard.
[ laughter ]
You know, I said when the turkey

Concept was first brought up,
I said there's a very good
Chance I'm gonna end up

Looking stupid if I come out
Wearing it.
I mean, everyone said, "Oh, it's

Thanksgiving, go ahead."
I felt that it was not in any
Way in keeping with my image,

The lyrics, "The boxer," any of
Those songs.
They said, "Hey, you know, you

Take yourself so seriously.
Why don't you stop taking
Yourself so seriously for a

While, loosen up a little bit,
And maybe people will laugh?
You want to be mr. Alienation?

You can be mr. Alienation."
Well, I didn't want to be
Mr. Alienation.

I-I want to be a regular guy,
But I feel this has just been a
Disaster.

I'm sorry.
I'm just gonna go and change.
It's just a terrible mistake.

[ applause ]
[ muttering indistinctly ]
>> wonderful!

>> wonderful?
You call that wonderful?
>> what, you got a problem?

>> it was one of the most
Humiliating experiences of my
Life!

>> what, the band came in late?
>> the band is fine!
It's not the band!

>> I don't understand what the
Problem is.
>> the problem is I'm singing

"Still crazy after all these
Years" in a turkey outfit!
Would you like to sing in a

Turkey outfit?
>> I thought it worked great.
>> yeah?

What do I look like,
Jan-michael vincent here?
You think I'm looking good?

>> you look great! Honestly.
Why don't you just go change?
>> yeah, let's just do that.

Let's say it was a difference of
Opinion.
>> maybe it was a difference of

Opinion, but I think it worked
Great.
We'll be right back after this

Following message.
>> I can't fit through the door!
>> all right, I'll help you.

>> all right, guys, happy
Thanksgiving, everyone.

>> happy thanksgiving!
>> I am so thankful to have you
All here today.

>> I am thankful that I only
Burned the turkey a little bit.
I'm sorry, gang.

>> you know, I am thankful that
Our governor is not gonna let
Those refugees in here.

>> oh, my god.
>> I know.
[ overlapping conversation ]

>> you know, I heard the
Refugees are all isis in
Disguise.

>> oh, yeah.
That's true.
I actually saw an isis in the

A&p today when I was picking up
The yams.
>> no, you didn't, aunt kathy.

That was an asian woman.
[ overlapping conversation ]
>> you know what?

I have a question for you.
Why is it that your friends keep
Antagonizing the police?

>> why would you ask my
Boyfriend that?
>> well, I'm just trying to get

To know jamal.
>> that's very confrontational.
[ overlapping conversation ]

>> excuse me.
>> she's a guest at our --
[ adele's "Hello" plays ]

>> * hello
* it's me
* I was wondering if after all

These years you'd like to meet *
* to go over
* everything

* they say that time's supposed
To heal ya, but I ain't done
Mu-- *

[ doorbell rings ]
>> oh, your grandparents are
Here.

>> how was the flight?
>> oh, it was good, good.
>> I saw two transgenders at the

Airport.
They still look kind of pretty.
>> very interesting trend, this.

>> oh, my god.
>> transgender is not a trend,
Mr. Paul.

>> and there weren't any around
When I was younger.
>> yeah, they were there, but

They couldn't say anything, so
They lived sad lives and died.
>> no talking about that at

Thanksgiving!
[ overlapping conversation ]
[ song resumes ]

>> * hello from the other side
* I must've called a thousand
Times *

* to tell you I'm sorry for
Everything that I've done *
* but when I call, you never

Seem to be home *
* hello from the other --
[ timer dings ]

>> oh, the pies are ready.
>> and I am ready to vote for
Ben carson.

>> you are such a --
>> * hello from the outside
* at least I can say that I've

Tried *
* to tell you I'm sorry
For breaking your heart *

* but it don't matter
* it clearly doesn't tear you
Apart anymore *

* oooh, ooh, ooh-ooh
* anymore
* oooh, ooh-ooh, ooh

* anymore
* oooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
* anymore

* anymore
* anymore

>> dig in, everyone.
>> thanks, adele.

[ cheers and applause ]

>> it's time play "Family feud,"
Thanksgiving edition!

Here's your host, steve harvey!
[ cheers and applause ]
>> yo! Yo!

Okay, now, welcome to a special
Thanksgiving edition of
"Family feud."

Now, some folks like white meat,
Some folks like dark meat, but
Let me tell you a little

Secret -- everybody like dark
Meat.
[ laughter ]

Now, thanksgiving is all about
Family, so I got two special
Ones here today.

The first is my own.
It's the harvey family.
[ cheers and applause ]

Yeah.
These people are not only
Related to me, but they also

Work in the steve harvey
Organization.
First, we got my wife janelle

Who handles all my appearances.
What else I got to do today,
Darling?

>> well, after this, you got
Your daytime show, then you got
Your radio show, then you got

Your book signing at
Red lobster.
>> whoo! Yeah.

You like it when I'm busy.
Big daddy gettin' that money.
[ laughs ]

Next, we got my brother mike who
Designs all my suits.
>> what's up, steve?

I came up with a new suit color
Yesterday.
It is plorange.

>> that's gonna be a number-one
Bestseller -- plorange.
[ laughs ] I like that.

Plorange. [ chuckles ]
Next, we got my nephew andre who
Writes jokes for me.

>> that's right.
I came up with the bit on
"Little big shots" where when a

Child says something, you stare
At him for 20 seconds like he's
A ghost.

>> oh, you mean like this?
[ laughs ] Yeah, I love that
Bit, man.

And, finally, we got my cousin
Ricky who runs my personal line
Of mustache conditioning

Products.
>> that's right, it's called
The greasy caterpillar.

>> huge seller, man.
Make your mustache dark and
Shiny like a slippery little

Penguin.
>> and on the other side, we got
The didrickson family.

[ cheers and applause ]
Now, we not blood related, but
These folks are like family to

Me.
Carol didrickson has been one of
My closest friends for over

30 years.
>> yeah, that's true, and I
Brought my wonderful family.

You remember my husband peter.
>> hey, steve.
>> good to see you, peter.

>> my son justin.
>> hey, steve.
>> and my other son, cecil.

>> how you doin', playa?

>> well, hey there, cecil.
Wow, you sure have grown since I

Last saw you.
>> yeah, it's been a minute.

>> hmm.
There's something about you.

>> yeah, I say so.
>> you know what, why don't we
Just start the game?

Give me two players up here.
Let's play the feud!
[ cheers and applause ]

>> no. No, thank you.
>> what?
I thought y'all was friends.

Boy, women are strange.
Okay, 100 people surveyed, top
Four answers on the board.

Name something that you're
Thankful for.
>> my home.

>> oh, good answer. Good answer.
You like your home, huh?
>> oh, yes, we love it in tempe.

>> tempe, arizona?
>> mm-hmm.
>> oh, I love tempe.

I spent some time on tour there
About 17, 18 years ago.
>> oh, I remember.

It was raining...
>> huh.
Anyway...

Show me a place to do the nasty!
Hey! Number-one answer.
All right, do y'all want to pass

Or play?
>> well, I'm glad to play with
You, steve.

>> [ chuckles ] Yeah, you was
Always like that.
>> yeah. [ giggles ]

>> all right, come on,
Didrickson family.
Something that you're thankful

For.
Peter.
>> well, I hope this isn't

Selfish, steve, but I'm thankful
For money.
Not for me, but to provide for

My family, like equipment for
Justin's street hockey team or
Buying pocket squares and

Super-shiny shoes for cecil.
>> oh, you like shiny shoes,
Huh?

>> yep! The shinier, the better.
>> hey!
I hear you, man.

I love me some gators.
Show me getting that money!

All right, it's up there!

Okay.

We got two left.
Justin, something that you're

Thankful for.
>> ooh, uh, I got to say my
Health.

I'm the fastest one on my
Cross-country team, but I'm not
Strong like cecil.

>> yeah, he is strong, ain't he?
Must have good genes.
>> oh, yeah.

Cecil's always been big.
He's had a full mustache since
He was 11.

>> and I was the sexiest boy in
The sixth grade.
>> well, you and I are very

Similar!
Show me big and manly at an
Early age!

Oh, yes!
>> yes! Yeah!
>> half-brother, all genius.

>> wait, wait. Hold up.
Half-brother?
I thought you was adopted.

>> oh, no, steve.
My mama had me before she got
Married 17 years ago.

>> 17 years.
Okay, now I'm doing the math.
Huh.

That's...Kinda freaky.
>> kinda freaky.
>> oh, my lord, help me.

I did a bad thing.
I did bad.

I thought I was out.
I thought I was all the way out.
>> no. No, steve.

There's nothing that you need to
Do, okay?
>> and what are we talking

About?
>> steve -- steve, look at me.
You didn't do anything wrong.

>> but is he smart,
Or is he like...?

>> he's so smart, steve.
So smart. Go over. Say hi.

>> hey there, little fella.
You mind if I play the feud with

You?
Tell me what you're thankful
For.

>> well, playa...
I'm thankful for family in
Whatever form it takes.

>> you damn right.
Show me family!
Hey!

There it is!
The didrickson family takes the
Win.

Next up, we gonna play the
Lightning round, but I feel like
I should just give them the

Money.
We'll be right back.
>> hold up!

This ain't no happy ending.
>> yeah, we got a lot of stuff
To talk about.

We got a lot of stuff to talk
About.
**

>> tonight, we start what we
Hope will become a

"Weekend update" tradition.
Every thanksgiving from now on,
A different "Snl" performer will

Compose and sing an original
Song to commemorate the holiday.
We couldn't think of a better

Person to begin this tradition
Than our own adam sandler.
>> oh, thank you.

Thank you, kevin.
That's nice of you.
Thank you.

>> all right, adam, are you
Ready?
>> yes, I am, kevin.

I've worked all week on my song,
And I hope you'll be entertained
And a little moved.

>> * love to eat turkey
* love to eat turkey
* love to eat turkey

'cause it's good *
* love to eat turkey like a good
Boy should *

* cause it's turkey to eat, so
Good *
* a turkey for me

* turkey for you
* let's eat turkey in a big,
Brown shoe *

* love to eat the turkey
At the table *
* I once saw a movie

With betty grable *
* eat that turkey all night
Long *

* 50 million elvis fans
Can't be wrong *
* turkey turkey dee

* turkey turkey dap
* I eat the turkey and I take a
Nap *

* thanksgiving
Is a special night *
* jimmie walker

Used to say "Dynamite" *
That's right!
* turkey with the gravy and the

Cranberry *
* can't believe the mets traded
Darryl strawberry *

* turkey for you
* and turkey for me
* can't believe tyson gave the

Girl v.D. *
* gobble gobble dee
* gobble gobble dawkie

* I used to go to camp
At lake winnipesaukee *
Come on, kevin.

>> no, that's okay.
>> oh, it'll be fun.
>> okay.

>> both: * turkey for me
* and turkey for you
* let's eat turkey in a big,

Brown shoe *
* turkey-lee-dee
And turkey-lee-duffing *

* I love turkey with a lot of
Stuffing *
* turkey and sweet potato pie

* sammy davis jr. Only had one
Eye *
* oh, turkey with the girls

* and turkey with the boys
* my favorite kind of pants
Are corduroys *

* gobble gobble gee
* and gobble gobble gickle
* I wish turkey could only cost

A nickel *
* oh, I love turkey
On thanksgivi-I-I-I-ing *

>> happy thanksgiving,
Everybody!
Thank you!

>> thank you, adam.
I'm kevin nealon, and that's
News to me.

>> all right!

>> hi, everyone. I'm mary.
I just want to thank you so much

For volunteering at st. Angel's
Thanksgiving soup kitchen.
These dinners are so fun.

Last year, we ate and laughed
And partied and -- so hard that
We didn't get out of here until,

Like, 8:30.
I'm talking p.M.
>> well, I'm lisa, and it's my

First time doing this.
I'm excited.
>> and I'm lou.

And seeing all these wonderful
Faces here today, it really
Warms my heart.

>> it warms my heart, too, so,
I'd like to say.
Mine's -- mine's burning a lot,

Though.
It's like a little ball of fire
Under my bra.

Can't say the pledge of
Allegiance or I'll burn my
Hand.

So I guess my heart's a little
Warmer than yours.
>> oh, thank you.

Penelope, was it?
>> mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
>> oh, good.

Well, as I was saying,
Thanksgiving is a special time
For me.

Interesting fact -- thanks to
Ancestry.Com, I just found out
That I had relatives come over

On the mayflower.
>> my relatives came over on the
Aprilflower.

So, they got here one month
Before yours did.
>> all right. Good to know.

Ooh! Well, I can see that people
Are starting to arrive, so I'm
Gonna open the doors, and,

Everybody, let's get our aprons
On!

Come on in.
Come on in.

Happy thanksgiving, everybody.
>> happy thanksgiving.
>> happy turkey day.

>> happy turkey day.
Happy thanksgiving.
Happy valentine's day, just to

Be the first to say.
Happy fourth of july.
Probably get to see a lot of

Fireworks 'cause you live
Outside, so...
>> penelope!

You know, I think I've got this
Covered, but why don't you go
Over there and help serve the

Corn?
>> okay.
>> [ sighs ]

>> mashed potatoes?
>> yeah, please.
They're my favorite.

>> oh, well, then maybe I can
Sneak you a little extra.
>> I'll sneak you a little

Extra, too.
Some corn?
I'm just gonna give you a little

More than she did.
Give you a little more.
Give you a little more than she

Did.
>> wow, I am thankful for you,
Lady!

>> oh, oh, penelope!
What are you doing?
You can't give that much corn to

One person.
Here.
>> well, don't be so hard on

Her.
She means well.
>> well, fine, but just don't

Bring out any more big
Silverware, okay?
[ gasps ]

Pastor mike!
It's so good to see you.
>> happy thanksgiving, everyone.

Wow, look at all these turkeys.
And there's food here, too.
[ both laugh ]

>> oh, pastor mike.
You tell such good jokes.
>> oh, thank you very much.

>> is thing on?
I tell good jokes, too. Okay.
Did you guys hear the one about

The peanut who went into
Central park?
It was assaulted. [a salted]

That's my time.
Been a great crowd.
>> well, uh, thank you,

Penelope.
Anyway, pastor mike, I saved you
A drumstick.

>> oh, don't mind if I do, and
When you have a chance, come by
My table and say hi.

The whole family is here -- all
Three of us.
>> my family's here, too, so...

And there's six of us.
We're, like, double-bigger than
Yours.

They're right over there, so...
>> excuse me, um, mary.
>> mm-hmm.

>> some of the people are
Wondering if we could turn up
The volume on the football game.

>> oh, of course. No problem.
I'd be happy to do that.
>> I'm already doing it, so...

Just gonna turn it up a little
Louder than you would have.
Just turning it up.

>> if pastor mike wasn't here,
I'd kick that girl in the
Giblets.

>> oh, she's just being helpful.
>> well...
>> both: ohh!

>> that's the longest pass I've
Ever seen.
What's sanchez doing?

No one's in the end zone!
>> who is that?
>> it's me. I caught it, so...

Touchdown.
Thank you, lord.
>> what is happening?

>> does anyone want this
Football?
I can't play anymore.

I just tested positive for
Steroids.
>> she is ruining this entire

Day.
She's acting like she's the
Queen of thanksgiving.

>> I am the queen of
Thanksgiving.
I now dub thee

Sir waddle of gobblelot, so
Congratulations.
>> really, penelope? Really?

You are the queen of
Thanksgiving?
Well [chuckles] I am the

President of wednesdays, and you
Know what else?
I drive a tanning bed to work.

And if I clap three times, a
Wiener dog appears, and, oh!
My dad's a chocolate chip,

And you know what else?
If I want to relax, I just turn
Myself into a pot of soup, so

[mockingly] What do you think
About that, penelope?
>> well, I guess all I can say

Is my tanning bed drives me to
Work, so I can read the paper
And have my coffee.

And if I clap twice, all the
Dogs in the world get an extra
Wiener.

And my dad's a chocolate-chip
Cookie, so your dad is baked
Inside him, so...

And when I want to relax, I
Shrink into a pot of soup and
Float around and use a celery

Stick as a raft, so...
>> I don't even know why I'm
Wasting my time with you.

This is a day of thanks, and
You made it all about you!
>> mary, calm down.

Okay?
Just try to have some food and
Relax.

>> you're right. I'm sorry.
[ laughs ]
>> uh, mary, I think we have a

Situation over here.
>> happy thanksgiving.
I'm not thankful foranything.

I'm thankful five,which is just
A little bit more than you.
A little more thankful than

Everyone else -- happy
Thanksgiving, everyone.
Happy turkey day.

"Martha stuart living"...
>> succulent turkey, fluffy

Mashed potatoes, and savory
Chestnut dressing.
I'm martha stuart.

This year's thanksgiving will
Be particularly meaningful for
All red-blooded, properly

Documented americans.
Tomorrow on "Living," I'll show
You how to prepare the perfect

Harvest feast that combines all
The culinary traditions of
Thanksgiving with all the

Pageantry and patriotism of
Independence day.
Frankly, the idea of these two

Holidays rolled into one gives
Me a giant martha boner.
I found these gorgeous antique

Linen serviettes in my china
Closet and embroidered them
Myself with inspirational

Sayings like
"God bless america,"
"These colors don't run,"

And "Suck it, osama!"

They really are a charming
Addition to any thanksgiving

Place setting.
Also, my friend
Clementine bryberg will be here

To show us how to fashion your
Traditional candied yams into
An inspirational bust of

Vice-president dick cheney.
I promise you, these yams are
As sweet and creamy as the real

Dick cheney.
And don't be afraid to put a
Patriotic spin on your main

Course.
For example, instead of my usual
Roast turkey, this year I've

Prepared a juicy 50-pound
Bald eagle.

It's undeniably american, and
Everyone 'round your table will

Be vying for its ample
Drumstick.
And in these challenging times,

It's important to remember those
Who are less fortunate than
Ourselves.

These charming relief packages
Are sure to delight any afghan
Refugee.

Just choose a french enamel
Lunch pail out of your french
Enamelwear collection and stock

It with necessities.
I've filled mine with sachets
Of dried lavender from my herb

Garden.
For the children, a blown glass
Ornament to make their christmas

Special.
And, most importantly, some
Beautiful hand-milled paper so

They can write a thank-you note.
Garnish the pail with some
Patriotic ribbon, and these

Goodies make a charming package
To be dropped on the heads of
Our frienemies.

So join me tomorrow on "Living,"
When we prepare a thanksgiving
For a new reality.

And, as a special burn on the
Taliban, I'll wear a bikini top
And eat a hot pork sandwich,

While I dance to britney spears.
Freedom -- it's a good thing.
>> * stronger than yesterday

* it's nothing but a mile away

>> we now return
To the "Thanksgiving

Baking championship."
>> okay, bakers, time is up.
Today's theme was

"Thanksgiving bounty,"
And you had two hours to create
Cakes worth giving thanks for.

And as an extra challenge,
You had to include
A mechanical element

To bring your cake to life.
First up is home baker leo.
>> hi, judges.

I love thanksgiving and I
Cornu-hope-ia you love my cake.
>> oh, you're adorable.

Tell us what you've made.
>> well, my cake honors
The man who organized

The first thanksgiving,
The governor of plymouth,
Mr. William bradford.

He may be a puritan,
But this cake is pure delicious.
With tempered chocolate hat,

Marshmallow beard,
And instead of flour,
I used sweetened cornmeal,

Or should I say maize meal?
[ laughs ]
>> wow! You did

All that in two hours?
>> uh, yes, sir.
Somehow, I did.

>> alright, well, let's see it.
Okay.

I messed up.
>> leo, sweetie, what happened?

>> um, I think
Time got away from me.
And also,

I think I might be stupid.
>> you know, I get that, yeah.
Is the popcorn on its head

Supposed to be the maize?
>> I don't know.
I don't know what maize is.

>> okay. And what about
Your mechanical element?
>> oh, oh, right, yeah.

You guys, just let me turn it
On.

>> now, is that what
You meant to happen?

>> I don't know what I meant.
I have embarrassed
Myself and my homeland.

>> where are you from?
>> I'm from here. Goodbye.
>> okay, well, that's too bad.

But next up,
From across the pond,
Let's say hi to juliana.

>> hello.
First of all, pumped to be here.
And, secondly, we brits --

We don't have thanksgiving,
So this may get a bit hairy.
>> well, why don't you tell

Us what you made?
>> with pleasure.
Basically made the first thing

I thought of, which is turkey.
So, this handsome boy's feathers
Are hazelnut fondant airbrushed

With iridescent icing.
And his wattle is made from
Homemade sticky toffee taffy.

Gobble, gobble, am I right?
>> wow, that sounds amazing.
>> it does sound like that,

Doesn't it?
>> well, let's see it.
>> alright. Ta-da!

>> wow! That's not what you
Described at all.

>> yeah, it's bad.
I messed up, didn't I?
>> can we see

Your animated element?
>> mm, not sure you want to see.

>> oh. Oh, my.
Can we show this on tv?

>> don't ask me.
I'm just a cake-maker.
>> okay, well, let's go ahead

And taste your cake.
>> okay.
Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Is that actual turkey meat?
>> it might be, yeah.
Sorry about that.

>> oh, my god.
What is your cake doing now?

>> well, that's the stuffing.
I think its body

Is just rejecting it.

>> dear god!
Next up is sandi.

>> hello, judges.
I hate to toot my own cake,
But I think what I did today

Is a thanksgiving
Feast for the eyes.

>> okay.
>> next up is ralph.

>> what?! That's it?
Why?

>> you just want it too bad.
>> well, it's a lot better
Than her cake, which is ruining

Thanksgiving, okay?

Oh, my god!
It just retched at me.

>> sandi, that's on you.
Finally, we go to ralph.
>> well, we've had a lot

Of fun here today,
And thanksgiving is fun,
But it's also a time

For connection with family,
A family that might
Not always see eye-to-eye.

But with a little luck and
Patience, we might just be
Able to see heart-to-heart.

That's why I made this.

>> and you used dark chocolate?
>> yes, ma'am, and the turkey is

A 9-inch dildo.
>> wow. We have
A tough decision to make, yeah?

>> how?!
[ cheers and applause ]
**

**
[ cheers and applause ]

>> next on "The californians"...
>> [ surfer accent ] Okay.

Let's go over it one more time.
I know you can nail this.
"Orange -- shane placed the

Orange near the fountain."
Now you try.
>> [ hispanic accent ] Mr. Shane

Placed the orange near the
Fountain.
>> good, rosa.

You're improving.
>> mr. Devon, thank you for the
English lesson.

>> got one more word to teach
You --
Love.

>> [ gasps ]
>> [ surfer accent ] I'm so glad
I hired you to cook thanksgiving

Dinner for the whole family.
>> [ surfer accent ] You're
Totally in good hands.

I was voted best chef in
Sonoma county.
>> devon?!

W-w-w-what are you doing with
Rosa?!

>> I was just teaching her some
English, free of charge.
>> that's not what you were

Doing, devon.
She works for me.
Don't you get it?

Don't you get enough action over
In malibu county?
>> it's okay, stuart.

I was leaving, anyway.
I was gonna take coldwater
Canyon and riverside drive, hook

A louie, get on van nuys, then
Hop on the 101 to tarzana.
>> get to it, then!

Just get on the 101 and skip all
The exits and never come back!
>> so, there's no traffic on the

101?
>> that's not what I'm talking
About.

Just get out of here!
>> so, get on the 405?
>> just get in your car and go,

Devon.
>> mr. Stuart, please don't be
Angry.

I'm in love!
>> what?!
Rosa, listen to me.

You got to stay away from devon.
He's no good for you.
He's broken hearts in

Rancho cucamonga, san bernadino,
Santa clarita, and
Redondo beach.

I don't want him to go to your
Apartment in angelino heights.
>> stuart, how do you know

Where she lives?

>> "The californians."
>> mom, so nice that you flew in

All the way from sacramento.
>> [ snooty accent ] Anything
For you, stuart.

I'm drying out some apricots for
Thanksgiving.
>> mr. Stuart, your lawyer is

Here to see you.
>> lawyer?
Craig, what are you doing here?

You never leave your office.
>> I was just at
The beverly center, buying

Myself some killer chinos.
Took crescent heights up across
Sunset and drove up

Laurel canyon, when I remembered
I had something super important
To tell you.

So, I made a left on ventura, by
The baja fresh, got onto
Beverly glen, and made a quick

Right on carmelita.
I'm here to tell you some
Pretty jarring news, bro.

>> jarring?!
Let's sit down in sequoia
Seating arrangement.

>> awesome.
So, stuart, apparently you

Fathered this illegitimate
Little bro.
The mom said you met her at an

Eagles concert.
Her name's september.
>> [ sighs ]

Oh, no.
That really complicates my life.
W-w-what am I gonna do with a

Baby?
>> just go easy, stuart.
Remember, you were a baby once,

Too.
>> he's right, stuart.
September will make a great mom.

>> uh, uh, uh, uh, how do you
Know who she is?

>> "The californians."

>> you guys, I'm so happy that
The whole family can be tog--

So happy the whole family can be
Together for thanksgiving, plus
My dear friend trey.

>> [ surfer accent ] Wouldn't
Miss it for the world, compadre.
>> and, everyone, help yourself

To some dried -- dried apricots.
>> I made enough for everyone.
>> [ surfer accent ] Is there

Enough for me?
>> tyler!
W-w-w-w-what are you doing here?

>> w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-
W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-
W-w-w-we thought you were dead.

You died in a two-seater plane
Crash.
>> I had a parachute.

And I've totally been living in
The back of a bank of america.
>> I'm so glad you're not dead,

Brother.
>> well, I completely have
Another total bit of news.

I'm dying, bro!
>> no!
We were just getting to know

You, man!
>> tyler, you can't die!
You're gonna be an uncle.

>> okay.
I won't?

>> "The californians."

>> you're watching "Wake up

Rhode island."
>> good morning, folks.

Sherman bell alongside
Katie williams.

>> coming up, we'll hear from
Beth bennington, who is down at

Quahonsett beach with an
Eagle scout on an important

Mission.
>> that's right, katie.

This is todd baxter.
And todd, tell us what we're

Doing down here.
>> well, myself and these

Boy scouts will be picking up
Trash at the beach all day.

Right, guys?
>> yeah!

>> yeah!
>> oh, that's wonderful.

Can't wait to hear more about
That.

>> me too.
But first, let's take a look at

The weather with riley cole.
>> hey, guys.

>> [ laughs ]
Oh, my goodness.

Riley, what are you wearing?
>> um, who's riley?

I'm turkey tom.
>> oh! Turkey tom, he says.

Look, he's even changed the
Graphic.

[ chuckles ]
>> and why is turkey tom

Honoring us with
His presence today?

>> well, because today was the
First day that the thermometer

Dropped below 40.
And you know what that means.
Time for a fall rap.

>> oh, boy!
Here we go.
[ hip-hop music plays ]

>> [ rapping ] * the leaves are
Turning or-or-orange *
* and the grass is turning

Brown *
* the wind is getting
Co-o-lder, and the -- *

[ no audio, alarm blaring ]

>> [ electronic voice ] This is
A rhode island weather alert.

A severe storm is approaching.
Evacuation orders are in place

For flood zones 1 through 4.
Take only what is necessary.

Leave all pets behind.
Life-threatening winds and

Flooding expected.
May god have mercy on your

Souls.
>> okay, folks, so obviously we

Have a severe weather situation.
Riley, how did we not see this

Storm coming?
>> uh, well, um, I was working

On the rap all last night.
The costume and lyrics, that

Kind of thing.
So I am a little behind on

The weather report, so, my bad.
But now I am seeing, yeah.

Yeah, this is a big one.
I should have caught it.

I apologize for that.
>> okay, well why don't we go to

Commercial so you can change
Into something more appropriate.

>> yeah, well, I would love to,
But the doppler says that

Landfall could be any minute
Now.

So let's take a look at the
Radar here.

Okay, wow.
This is the biggest nor'easter

That I have ever seen.
Uh, let's see.

This is a large, fast-moving
Storm.

[ turkeys gobbling ]
Um...Oop.

Uh, yeah, sorry.
The turkeys were part of the

Rap.
There's this lyric about how

Turkeys hate november because of
Thanksgiving, so, um...

>> [ laughing ] Yeah.
You know they do!

[ laughs ]
>> but anyway, you can see

Behind the turkeys here, the
Winds are now reaching -- oh,

Wow, 190 miles an hour.
>> riley.

>> oh, that is very dangerous.
>> riley?

>> ah, yeah? Yeah?
>> take the turkey off your

Head.
>> katie, let's be reasonable.

Now, turkey tom --
>> don't call him that.

>> katie, please.
Turkey tom, could we be looking

At structural damage from these
Winds?

>> uh, more than damage.
I-I think some areas could be

Completely flattened.
We should expect many, many

Casualties.
>> just take the turkey hat off.

>> boo! [ laughs ]
>> yeah, maybe I should, right?

>> great.
And while you do that, we'll go

To beth bennington on
Quahonsett beach.

Beth, any sign of this storm
Down there?

>> yes!
>> oh, wow.

Beth, where are -- where are the
Boy scouts?

>> the sea took them!
>> oh. Oh, my god.

Okay.
And riley, well, I see you still

Have the turkey headpiece on?
>> ah, I do, yes.

I decided to keep it on in case
You wanted to hear the rest of

The rap after the storm.
>> we don't.

>> boo!
>> no, that's -- that's fair.

I'm sorry I look like this.
I'm also very sorry that I

Missed the storm.
>> hey, hey, hey.

That's not on you.
>> yeah, it absolutely is.

Okay, let's go to commercial so
Riley can change.

Keep it here for more as this
Dangerous storm develops.

>> and later we'll hear from a
Local boy scout troop who is

Cleaning up the beach.
**

[ applause ]

[ cheers and applause ]

And now...

Tarzan thankful
For many thing--

For vine that not break,

For stick that not snake,

For crocodile-free lake,

For jane coconut cake.

Tonto thankful for
Reduction of tension

Between soviet bloc

And industrialized
Free market economies
Of west.

Also for growing
Awareness

Of fragility of
Amazon basin ecosystem.

Also for vigorous,
Healthy and varied
Sex life.

( grunting )

Frankenstein
Thankful for?

Fire!

Frankenstein
Not thankful for fire.

Frankenstein fear fire.

Bad!

[ cheers and applause ]
>> so, does this beat

Thanksgiving in pennsylvania, or
What?
>> you know, it's really nice,

Nate, so thanks again for having
Us.
>> hey, when my baby brother

Says his rugrats want to come
"Unky nate's" apartment and see
The parade balloons up close,

I answer with a resounding
"No prob."
But seriously, how 'bout this

Pad, huh?
Diane, would you kill for this
Place, or what?

>> it's really something, nate.
I don't even want to know how
Much you pay for this place.

>> and I don't want to tell ya!
[ laughs ]
But it's $28,500 a month.

>> all right, that's enough,
Nate.
>> oh, look who finally decided

To join the living!
Sleep well, tess?
>> you know what?

It's just --
It's too early for, like, the
Full nate right now, okay?

Hey, you guys.
Did I miss the balloons?
>> oh, no, I think they're

Starting now.
>> ooh! Guys! Hey, look!
It's woody for "Toy story!"

>> oh, my gosh! Look, you guys!
>> oh, wow! He's right there!
Say hi to woody, kids!

Oh, my gosh!
Nate, this is so incredible!
>> I know, right?

It's even got a steam shower.
>> she's not talking about the
Apartment, nate.

>> well, she should be.
It's sick.
>> oh, look!

I think another balloon is
Coming!
>> oh! Yes! [ gasps ]

It's madeline!
>> oh, my gosh!
She's my favorite!

You guys, I used to love those
Books!
>> hi! Guys! Hi, madeline!

>> hi, madeline!
Um, is she getting closer?
>> uh, yeah. You know what?

It's probably just the wind.
>> uh, does that normally
Happen, nate?

>> uh, I don't know.
I usually go to the islands for
Thanksgiving, but, uh -- whoa!

>> oh! Okay.
It's okay, kids.
Just a little windy, and uh,

That makes it hard for the
People on the ground to control
The balloons.

Nothing big, okay?
>> oh, my god!
>> oh, no!

>> oh, that is horrifying!
>> I think it's just one of
Those vintage balloons.

It's a vintage balloon that
They're bringing back this year,
Guys.

>> I don't know if I like seeing
The balloons so close.
>> oh, god!

>> wait!
They seem to be sort of...
...Bunching up together a bit.

What is -- what's happening?
>> yeah, yeah. I see the holdup.
Kristin chenoweth is singing

Some sort of song down there.
>> oh, neat!
Okay, kids, let's go by

Uncle nate.
Maybe we can see better, okay?
Let's go right over here. Okay.

What are --
Are they following us?
>> oh, my --

>> all right, uh, yep.
Yeah, they're definitely
Following us.

>> honey, the kids are scared.
Can you --
>> yes. Yes. Of course.

Hey, guys. Guys, guys.
I know they're kind of scary up
Close, okay?

But there is nothing to be
Afraid of.
>> [ sighs ]

>> why won't these balloons just
Leave?
>> oh!

>> is that stupid song done yet?
>> oh, man! Somebody got tangled
Up in madeline's cables.

>> [ screams ]
>> oh, my god!
Is that kristin chenoweth?

>> oh, that poor woman!
She is so small!
>> kids. Kids.

Kristin chenoweth is gonna be
Fine, okay?
>> okay.

>> [ screams ]
[ car alarm sounds ]
>> okay, let's, uh --

Let's go to the bedroom and
Watch tv, huh?
Come on. Let's go.

>> okay.
>> so much for defying gravity.
>> nate!

[ up-tempo music plays ]

>> sam adams has brewed its
Signature beers in the heart of

Boston since 1984.
So, who better to check out our

New jack-o-pumpkin boston ale
Than real bostonians?

>> you know, it's got that great
Sam adams taste, but the pumpkin

Flavor really kicked it up a
Notch.

>> I love sam octoberfest, but I
Think this might even be better.

>> [ gagging ]
Jesus christ!

What the [bleep] Is that?
>> okay, this is the perfect

Beer for sweater weather.
>> alright, let's try this

For real.
[ gulping ]

I don't like that.

>> I'm not really a beer
Drinker, but this might change

That.

>> this is the kind of beer
Somebody brings to a party at

Your house, and then it just,
Like, sits in the fridge for
Like eight months.

And then, one day, your buddy
Comes over and he's like, "Hey,
You got a beer?"

And I'm like, "Well, I got this
Pumpkin [bleep]."
So you drink it and it, you

Know, gets you a buzz.

>> pop, come on!

>> I'm comin'!
You've been sittin' there for

Half an hour, and I have to
Work!
>> enjoying myself!

You know, you're just like your
Mother!
Oh, there you go.

>> you guys should sell this
Year 'round, seriously --
>> sorry, sorry, just grabbin'

One more.
>> oh.
>> oh, watch it. My bad.

>> I can definitely taste
The hops.
>> reese's puffs?

What are you, eh?
Get some stop & shop cornflakes
In the welfare bag.

Oh, what's that look?
Oh, you're gonna take a swing
At me?

Is today the day? Huh?
Is today the day you take a
Swing at your old man?

Is that what it is? Come on.
You a man now?
I didn't think so!

>> [ grunts ]

>> oh, my god.
>> get off! Get off me!

>> should I...
>> get off me!

>> [ grunts ]
>> get off me!

>> gimme that [bleep] Bottle!
>> no!

>> oh!
>> sam adams jack-o-pumpkin ale.

Real bostonians agree...
>> it's a winner.

>> it's kinda sweet and [bleep],
But, you know, if there's

Nothing else to drink...
[ siren wails ]

[ up-tempo music plays ]
**

>> will the aliens be joining us
For our thanksgiving feast?

>> oh, you mean the klergs?
Yeah.
>> good!

I look forward to sampling some
Of the local produce here on
Argos 9.

>> I love exotic foods.
>> oh, look, it's the klergs.
>> greetings, people from earth.

I am ruler tai.
That's short for "Taint."
>> father, should I offer them

The kern?
>> yes, tutrisha, offer them
The kern.

>> kern! What is kern?
>> it looks like our corn,
But it's purple.

>> yes, our kern is much like
Your corn.
It has lots of tiny, delicious

Cornels on it.
>> oh, you mean kernels?
>> no, your corn has kernels,

But our kern has cornels.
>> huh, what a small,
Fascinating universe.

>> it is customary for visitors
To partake of our kern.
>> it's for good fortune.

>> I guess this is the famous
Klerg hospitality we've heard so
Much about.

I can't wait to enjoy the tasty
Cornels of kern.
[ crunch! ]

>> no, don't eat me!
This hurts me!
>> is this kern talking?

>> is it alive right now?
>> no, these are just kern
Sounds.

>> the sounds kern makes.
>> it's delicious, y'all.
[ crunch! ]

>> ow! The pain, lady!
Please stop eating me!
>> linda, stop eating the kern.

>> just one more bite.
[ crunch! ]
>> this hurts like hell. Stop!

>> linda, please!
It may be conscious!
>> sorry, it reminds me of earth

Picnics and eating corn on the
Cob.
>> you mean kern on the kerb?

>> I want to try to communicate
With it.
>> why? It has no errs to herr.

>> please. Let me try.
Hello.
Can you hear me? Are you okay?

>> help us.
The klergs are trying to destroy
Our race.

We can't run from them before we
Don't have good lergs, okay?
Lergs.

>> excuse us, tai.
I need to speak to my crew.
>> the kern said it has no lergs

To run from the klergs.
>> the taint told us it's
Customary to eat the cornels

From the kern.
>> but, actually, we're helping
The klergs wipe out the kern!

>> what do we do?
Plan.
Ruler tai.

>> more kern, captain?
>> oh, hell yes.
Who cares about some kern?

Let's enjoy this thanksgiving!
>> oh, well, tomorrow, I will
Show you around the planert.

[ laughter ]
>> captain, this kern is
Crazy-delicious.

[ crunch! ]
>> hey, bitch! I said stop!
Bitch, I said stop!

[ laughter ]

[ disco music playing ]
[ telephone rings ]

[ music stops ]
>> [ shouting ] Hello?!
Loud residence!

Oh, hi, kevin!
No. Joan and jean went to their
Figure-skating class!

>> [ shouting ] Who is it,
Honey?!
>> it's kevin!

[ loud laughter in distance ]
Oh, here they come now,
Kevin!

Hold on!
>> both: [ shouting ] Hi, mom!
Hi, dad!

>> joan, it's kevin!
He's on the phone!
I think he's got a crush on you!

>> oh, mom!
>> hi. Kevin?!
Yeah!

Well, jean's date will be over
Any minute, so why don't we meet
Here?!

Well, I don't know!
We'll see!
Goodbye!

>> well, I'm glad you girls are
Finally getting dates!
You know, you're both

Good-looking, intelligent girls!
I don't understand why guys
Haven't been flocking around the

Door!
>> well, maybe you and mom
Scared them away!

>> what do you mean?!
>> well, you never give us any
Time to ourselves!

>> well, if I get to know the
Boys in question, I see no
Reason why we can't trust you to

Be alone!
Jean, who's the young man you're
Seeing tonight?!

>> his name's rick!
He works at the car wash!
He goes to jefferson high!

[ doorbell rings ]
>> coming!
>> hi. I'm rick phillips.

You must be mr. And mrs. Loud.
>> both: that's right!
>> hi, rick!

>> hi, jean.
Hi.
>> come here!

Sit down!
I'd like you to meet my sister,
Joan!

>> hi!
>> it's easy to tell you're
Sisters.

>> both: you think so?!
>> we don't really look that
Much alike or anything!

>> I don't know.
Mr. Loud, you certainly do have
Two lovely daughters there.

>> well, it's a sad story!
We used to have three!
Our eldest daughter got in a ski

Accident!
>> oh. I'm sorry.
What happened?

>> avalanche!
Bad luck, I guess!
[ doorbell rings ]

>> oh, I'll get it!
That must be kevin!
Hi, kev!

>> hi, kevin!
>> kevin, this is my friend
Rick!

>> rick, this is my friend
Kevin!
>> sorry.

I didn't have time to change.
Some of the planes were delayed,
And the ground crew had to work

Overtime.
>> eh.
>> well, you kids behave

Yourselves and have a good time!
Mr. Loud and I will just go
Upstairs and, uh, read!

>> good night, kids!
>> both: good night!
>> and if you go out, be back by

2:00 and lock the back door!
>> okay!
Good night, mom!

Good night, dad!
>> good night, jean!
Good night, joan!

>> good night, jean!
Good night, joan!
>> good night, mom and dad!

[ footsteps depart ]

[ door closes ]
>> oh, boy, beverly!

I've been thinking about this
All day!
>> oh, dave! I love you!

[ loud moaning ]
>> faster, honey!
Come on!

A little bit faster, honey!
Oh, faster!
Come on, baby!

Faster still!
>> I'm trying, dave!
>> what do you guys want to do

Tonight?!
>> how about a movie?
>> okay, but before we go...

[ inhales deeply ]

>> hey! This is great pot!
>> yeah! One puff and I'm really

Stoned!
[ footsteps approaching ]
>> quick! Hide that grass!

>> hide it! Hide it!
>> I don't want our parents to
Know we're smoking dope!

>> what's going on here?!
>> jean! Joan!
I'm ashamed!

>> both: uh-oh!
>> excuse me, boys, but
Mrs. Loud and I would like to

Have a word with our daughters!

>> um...
You know, what is this with this

Family?
They seem to talk, you know,
Like, extra loud, like really,

Really loud.
>> what?
>> forget it.

>> I brought you in here because
I didn't want to yell at you in
Front of your friends!

>> those boys are obviously
Troublemakers, and I don't
Approve!

>> mom, don't yell at me like
I'm a child!
>> well, you're both acting like

Children!
>> both: we are not!
>> parents: you are, too!

>> girls: we are not!
>> parents: you are, too!
[ doorbell rings ]

>> who could that be at this
Hour of the night?!
>> um...

Excuse me, but y'all are gonna
Have to quiet down in here.
>> oh, I'm sorry!

Who complained?!
>> nobody.
I was driving by.

>> well, I'm sorry!
We were fighting!
We'll stop!

>> I, uh...Hope you got the
Message.
>> all: good night, officer!

Earth wasn't created in seven
Days.

There are some things men will
Never improve on.

Don't take what you're given.

Why can't we be cleaner.

We're hungry for something
Different.

>> live from gate 78 in
Terminal c, it's

"The hudson news thanksgiving
Week airport parade.
>> * it's chaos, it's mayhem,

And everyone's afraid *
* it's the thanksgiving week
Airport parade *

>> good morning from
Newark airport, everybody's
Third choice.

My name is agent

Chartreuse hamilton.
>> and I'm umberto.

>> umberto. Is that spanish?

>> no, chartreuse.
It's filipino.

Ya boy's pinoy.
>> love!
Well, it's the busiest

Travel week of the year, and,
As always, the parade will draw
Thousands of travelers.

Umberto, who can we expect to
See on the route this year?
>> well, some new appearances,

As well as some timeless
Classics, and here's one now.
>> up first, it's a couple on

Their last thanksgiving trip
Together.

>> babe, can you just not be

Vegan for like one day?
>> oh, my god. Don't.

>> turkey is barely a meat.
>> don't!

>> and you don't get enough
Protein.

>> I said don't!
>> sounds like he better don't.

[ both laugh ]
>> next, an airport staple.

It's woman with service animal
She clearly doesn't need.

>> wow, ma'am, you are really
Going for it this year.

Three dogs?
>> yeah.

This one's for my rosacea.

This one's for my eczema.
And this one's for my anxiety.

>> oh.
And why do you have anxiety?
>> I'm traveling with three

Dogs!
>> of course.
Let's throw it over to the

Parade staging area, a.K.A.
The bar at chili's to go with
Our parade correspondent,

Captain gary rogers.
Gary?

>> thanks, umberto.

Ooh, chartreuse, you're looking
Good.

You like my stripes?

>> oh, yeah, I sure do.
Me and captain gary got a little

Flirtation going on, okay?
I'm trying to be tappin' the
Cap'n.

[ laughs ]
>> and just so you know, I give
Every woman I sleep with one of

These nice little wing pins.
>> yuck.
Those are supposed to be for

Kids.
Alright, coming up now is a tsa
Agent shouting the same thing

12 different ways.

>> laptop out the bag.

Laptop out the bag.
If you got a laptop in your bag,

Go ahead and take it on out.

>> it's like he's stuck on loop.
>> sir, are you enjoying the

Parade?
>> laptop out the bag.
>> wonderful.

Next up, you may think this is a
Float based on how slowly she's
Moving, but it's actually a

Woman who took her ambien
A little too early.

>> do not let me order a wine.

>> ooh, wait.

Looks like we're getting an
Audience question for

Captain gary.
Gary, what are your thanksgiving
Plans?

>> [ chuckles ] Spending it at
Home in my apartment with 14
Other pilots.

>> ooh. A man with roommates.
That's my type.
That's my type!

Okay!
>> we're now entering the family
Portion of the parade.

>> yes, it's a gentle-parenting
Father and his out-of-control
Evil child.

>> hannah, sweetie, your

Feelings are valid, but daddy
Wonders if there's a more

Productive way to express
Yourself -- 'cause we want to

Have a good thanksgiving, right?

>> screw you, bitch!
>> oh! Oh, my!

>> see?
Sometimes you just
Got to whup 'em.

Whup 'em.
>> captain gary, what you got
Cooking?

>> I'm here with a guy who wants

The patdowns for all the wrong
Reasons.

>> you can use the front of
Your hand if you want.

>> why would I want that?
>> brother, I like your style.

>> ohh, yikes, chartreuse.
I hope captain rogers isn't
About to fly, but if he is, I

Pray my ex-boyfriend is on the
Flight.

I won't say his name 'cause I'm

Classy, so I'll just flash his
Name on the screen.

>> and, wow, look.
It's an airport parade

Mainstay -- woman who refuses
To check a bag.

>> 75 damn dollars to check
A bag?

That ticket to boston was only
40 damn dollars.

Make that make damn sense.
>> well, damn.

>> looks like it's time for our
Grand finale.
It's the biggest star of the

Parade -- woman who's about
To go viral.

>> I am telling you right now

That mothertrucker is not real!

>> yo!
Yo, this video gonna go viral on

Black twitter andwhite twitter.
>> oh, now we have one last
Surprise performance by the only

People who are happy to be
Working this week.
It's the gay flight attendants

Who are estranged from their
Families.

[ up-tempo music plays ]

>> my chosen family is my
Co-workers, and my chosen home

Is mykonos!

**
>> slay!

Well, we've had a lovely
Thanksgiving week airport
Parade, haven't we, chartreuse?

Wait. Where'd chartreuse go?
>> she was getting her wings.
>> oh, damn it.

You two, people use that room
For breastfeeding.
>> so did he.

>> okay.
Alright, we got to sing
Ourselves out.

Let's go.
>> * be sure to remember we're
Back in december *

* for the christmas week
Airport parade *

>> it's that time of year
Again -- the holidays.

But this season, don't waste
Your time on the white beaches
Of hawaii.

Instead, why not visit the
Sunny, paved streets of your
Hometown?

There you'll enjoy four-star
Accommodations at your childhood
Home.

Featuring an all-access gym,
Located conveniently in your
Room, along with a 24-hour

Business center, also in your
Room.
[ modem connecting ]

Enjoy long, long continental
Breakfasts.
Unwind in front of the deepest

Tv ever sold.
And pamper yourself with
Scratchy, bleach-stained towels

From 1994.
Your childhood home offers a
Wide range of onsite activities.

You could always clean out this
Box of stuff or it's going to be
Thrown away, or pick up these

Sticks.
And our attentive staff is there
To assist you with anything that

May come up.
Who needs snorkeling and
Parasailing when you can check

Out the new kmart?
And while you're at it, check
Out the old kmart, which is now

A closed michaels.
Or drive around listening to the
Only c.D. Your mom owns.

Plus, your hometown offers
Exotic destinations for smoking
Weed, like this swing,

The train tracks,
And matt's hot tub.
If you're up for a day trip,

Drive on down to your high
School to visit your old
Teachers.

Then think, "Why would I do
This?" and leave.
Or go see a movie -- by

Yourself.
Oh, look!
It's someone from your high

School.
How fun!
So, book your tickets to your

Hometown today, and bring home
Some souvenirs that you'll just
Have to leave at the airport.

Your hometown --
We'd love you to stay for a
Week, but we'll settle for three

>> oh, my goodness, the food
Looks and smells amazing.

>> charles, you made it.
Stop fishing for compliments.
>> well, it does look great.

>> yeah, what are we waiting
For?
Let's eat.

>> oh, guys, thanks again for
Letting your new neighbor tag
Along to your friendsgiving.

>> hey, I'm a straggler, too.
>> oh, cool!
>> that's what neighbors are

For.
>> yeah, I'm -- I'm secretly
Happy that my flight was

Cancelled because I'm afraid of
My parents' dog.
It's like a poodle wolf.

It knocks me down and dominates
Me.
>> that's weird.

You know what I've been thinking
About, how there are no
Thanksgiving songs.

>> are there none?
>> no, there's some.
I mean, what about

"Coming around the mountain?"
>> well, that's not really a
Thanksgiving song.

>> no, what about the --
[ humming, scatting ]
>> oh, yeah, like the rock song.

>> yeah.
>> [ humming, scatting ]
>> [ scatting ]

>> yeah.
>> yeah. Right?
>> I guess that proves there's

No famous thanksgiving songs.
>> no, no. This one's famous.
You know it.

* caught his eye on turkey day
* as we both make pumpkin pie
* she flashed a little smile

My way *
* can she tell that I am shy
>> yes, that's it! Yeah.

>> yeah, I definitely don't know
That one.
Why don't we just eat?

>> oh, no, you know it.
Hey, you know what, why don't
Sing the girl's parts, and

I'll sing the guy's parts?
>> oh, yeah! Great!
We'll sing it, and then they'll

Know it.
>> yeah.
>> you guys don't have to do

This.
We don't have to know it.
>> * I took his hand

>> * she took my hand
>> * we walked into the shed
>> now, and you two don't know

Each other?
>> no.
>> no.

>> * our clothes came off
* we never said a word
>> * my thing got scared

And my face got red *
>> this is not a thanksgiving
Song.

>> what? What do you mean?
>> no, well, it takes place on
Turkey day, it's actually kind

Of a --
>> cool, sad story.
>> his thing got scared?

>> well, yeah, cause he's shy.
>> okay, we trust you.
Yeah, it's a famous thanksgiving

Rock song.
>> you would know it if you
Heard the music.

>> oh, you know what, I saw a
Synthesizer in the closet when I
Hung my coat up.

>> okay, you know what, I don't
Think that has any batteries.
>> I've got double aas right

Here.
I took them out of my taser.
>> oh, perfect!

Here we go.
>> here we go.
>> you ready?

>> yeah, yeah, yeah.
**
* side by side in the nude

* that's how we spent our
Night *
>> * never touching, sometimes

Crying, pretending we're all
Right *
* his thing woke up

>> * for just a sec
>> * but then got scared again
* the sun came up,

A squirrel walked in *
>> * we laughed and cried
Again *

>> right, and then there's this
Spoken part.
>> oh, yeah!

>> it's morning. I have to go.
>> but I'm embarrassed.
I failed you.

>> are they german?
>> yeah, they don't even have
Thanksgiving there.

>> you didn't fail me.
You tried your best.
And I love you. Goodbye.

>> wait! What's your name?
Wow. What a turkey day night.
* he never saw her face again

>> * and she never saw his
Thing *
* now every turkey day that

Comes they have this cool rock
Song to sing *
>> oh, so you know this?

>> yes, I guess I do!
>> oh wait, is it this?
* now every turkey day that

Comes *
>> * they think of how they
Missed their chance *

>> * our lives are short
* our love is rare
>> * now we do the turkey

Dance *
* our lives are short
Their love is rare *

* now we do the turkey dance
>> oh! Wow!
Man, I can't believe we all knew

That song.
>> or maybe -- maybe -- it was
Just the magic of thanksgiving.

Wait! Where did she go?
She's gone. Just like the song.
Well, where'd your friend go,

Beth?
>> she wasn't with me.
I thought you knew her.

>> no.
>> she was the love of my life.
>> well, our car keys are gone.

>> and didn't you have a tv
There?
>> I think she stabbed me!

Does that look like a stab?
>> oh, my god.
* life is short

And love is rare *
>> don't sing! Call the police!
>> * now we do the turkey

Dance *
>> I'm bleeding real bad.
Oh, it's bad. It's bad.

[ cheers and applause ]

**

>> it's fall, and that's
Apple-picking season.

So come down to
Chickham's apple farm.

Ah, hello!
I'm debra chickham.

>> and I'm her sister.
>> every year, thousands of

Families visit our
Pick-your-own-apple farm for

Their share of fall fun.
>> located in the part of

New york state that has
Confederate flags.

>> why pick apples?
Well, just ask any of our

Satisfied customers.
>> I never picked apples before,

But now I have.
I had fun, I think.

>> it was cute.
Far, but cute.

A lot of bees.
>> I stepped in a gopher hole

And broke my foot.
But my girlfriend had fun.

>> for just $45, you can bring
Home $10 worth of apples.

>> select from our varieties
Like huge soft.

>> tiny hard.
>> green.

>> orange.
>> and apple.

>> what our apples lack in
Flavor they make up for in

On the ground.
>> they get the deers drunk.

>> you'll pick apples under the
Watchful eye of our farmhand

Hank.
>> he's a troubled man who came

With the land.
And we pay him in dentistry.

>> hi. I'm hank.
I will take you to the one tree

That's working this year.
Our apples are best during a

Very specific window of time.
And whenever you come,

You just missed it.
>> still not feeling picky?

>> listen to this satisfied
Customer.

>> my girlfriend picked a apple
So wrong, she pulled the whole

Branch off the tree, and now
Hank says we owe 3 grand.

[ laughter ]
>> we also have a petting zoo.

>> we do. We have a petting zoo.
Tell them, hank.

>> we found some animals, and
Now they're in prison!

You can pet them if you pay me.
We have goats, sheep.

Also got donkey rides.
Did you know donkeys can be

Depressed?
The other day I heard him say,

"Stop."
Just like that. "Stop."

He's like eeyore with a plan.
>> but, hey, we ain't just

Apples.
>> we got peaches in theory,

Cherries in theory, and
Strawberries in theory.

>> and don't pass up our cider
Donuts.

>> they're donuts, but from
Yesterday.

>> and be sure to take home some
Of our penis gourds.

>> that's right.
They came out extra penis this

Year.
Want to hear more about us?

>> people usually don't.
>> we're unmarried sisters.

>> my hair's been in one braid
For 40 years, and now it grows

That way.
>> I'm 28.

>> it's halloween, almost!
>> do your spooky activities

With us.
>> our haunted hayride is

Staffed entirely by local teen
Boys who take things way too

Far.
They're good boys.

But if they pull you off the
Hayride, fight like hell.

The masks make them behave
Different.

Mob mentality.
I have to be honest with you,

They scare the hell out of me.
>> so come.

Cosplay outdoorsiness with us.
>> does our business make a

Profit?
No.

>> how do we afford to live?
Simple.

I wrote the screenplay for
"50 first dates" based on

Myself.
>> they changed it a lot.

>> they did.
>> chickham's apple farm.

Maybe just go to the store.
**

[ cheers and applause ]

(musicbox playing)

(cheers and applause)

*it's a beautiful day
In the neighborhood,*

*a beautiful day
For a neighbor.*

*would you be mine?

*could you be mine?

*I've always wanted to live in
A house like yours my friend.*

*maybe when nobody's
Home, I'll break in.*

*it feels really good to walk
Streets again after being*

*in jail doing 7 to 10.

*would you be mine?
Want to be mine?*

*I wish you were my neighbor.

(laughter and applause)

Hello boys and girls.

I just came back from
The grocery store.

You know a dollar doesn't
Buy what it used to anymore.

That's why it pays to be a
Careful shopper nowadays.

You know, 10 years ago, this
Little bag of groceries would

Have cost $5.00.

But today, $46.79.

Wow, that's a lot of
Money boys and girls,

Especially for a lady who can
Only afford to give me a quarter

To carry this to her car.

(laughter)

I felt so bad for her, I
Carried the rest of the way

To my apartment for free.

(laughter)

To my apartment for free.

(laughter)

She learned that $46.00
Worth of groceries

Is worth more than
25 stinking cents.

(laughter)

Let's see what we bought
Today boys and girls.

(soft laughter)

You know, groceries are
An essential part

Of today's food supply, to stay
Healthy and fast on your feet

Like mr. Robinson,

You need lots of nutrition.

(soft laughter)

See, nu trit ion.

(laughter)

Someone screwed
Up boys and girls.

This word is supposed
To say nutrition.

(laughter)

Every day you should try to eat
Something from each

Of the seven basic food groups,
Like milk and dairy products.

Fruit drinks and other liquids.

(laughter)

Sandwiches.

(laughter)

Frozen foods.

(laughter)

Meat and meat by products.

(laughter and applause)

Tuna fish so that your
Body gets enough oil.

(laughter)

And finally expensive foods.

You don't have to be
Rich to eat fancy meals,

Not if you're a comparison
Shopper like mr. Robinson.

This turkey has the same amount
Of nutrition as a t bone steak

But if you compare the
Two packages like I did,

You'll see the steaks fits under
Your clothes a whole lot easier.

(loud laughter and applause)

You try walking out of the
Supermarket

With one of these inner joys,
Little boys and girls,

And you learn today's
Other new word,

(laughter)

We already learned
The word up here.

Prosecuted as the one we
Got to look out for though.

(knocking on door)

Open up robinson.

I know you're in there.

(laughter)

Why, it's our old
Friend mr. Landlord.

Let's find out what he wants.

(laughter)

(speaking loud)
What do you want, man?

(laughter)

Some cops want to ask you
About a bag of groceries.

Open up, robinson.

(laughter)

Another important thing about
Groceries boys and girls who

Is that they have to be kept
In a cool, dry place.

Too much heat make them
Spoil and right now,

It's a bit too hot at mr.
Robinson's apartment.

(laughter)

So I'm going to put all of these
In a bag and go find a place

That's much cooler
Like maybe willy's.

His place it's real cool.

(laughter)

His place it's real cool.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll
Come back tomorrow*

*when the coast is clear.

Goodbye boys and girls.

(cheers and applause)