All language subtitles for Saturday Night Live S50E00 A Saturday Night Live Christmas 1080p WEB h264-EDITH_track3_[eng]

>> well, it's the last show
Before christmas, girls.

>> how are you guys gonna spend
The holidays?
>> my holiday is gonna be super

Special this year.
>> both: do tell.
>> I'm spending it with my new

Guy.
>> [ gasps ] So am I.
>> me too.

>> what's he like?
>> well, I'll tell you.
[ piano playing '60s-style

Pop music ]

* I've got a new man this
Holiday *

* someone who won't let me
Down *
>> * a guy whose eyes always

Sparkle *
* a man who can show you the
Town *

>> * my boyfriend knows when I'm
Sleeping *
* he always treats me right *

>> all: * he knows if I've
Been bad or good *
* but when I'm naughty, he

Thinks it's nice *
* santa's my boyfriend *
* oh, yes, santa's the one

That I love *
>> * I believe he is real *
* because I can still feel *

* the touch of his furry, white
Glove *
>> all: * ahh *

* santa's my boyfriend *
* oh, I've never been in love
Like this *

>> * when he comes down my
Chimney *
>> * I get weak in the knees *

>> * because it's his kiss
That's first on my list *
I like it when we jump in his

Sleigh and he takes me to the
North pole.
>> both: ain't he the greatest?!

>> he told me he loves the taste
Of my milk and cookies.
>> both: he told me the same

Thing!
>> when everybody else is
Putting up their stockings, he's

Taking mine down.
[ all giggle ]
>> all: you get the picture.

* santa's my boyfriend *
* he keeps me warm in the cold
Winter snow *

>> * he's jolly and kind *
>> * and I don't even mind *
* when he sees me and shouts *

>> all: * "Ho ho ho" *
* santa's my boyfriend *
* and we'll have a wonderful

Life *
* I can't wait for the time
When he'll truly be mine *

* and leave his bitch of
A wife *
>> he's gonna leave her, right?

>> well, of course he's gonna
Leave her.
He promised.

>> they always promise, and it
Usually works out, right?
[ all giggle nervously ]

>> all: [ to "O holy night ]
* oh, li-I-I-I-I-ve *
* oh, li-I-I-I-ve from

New yo-o-o-o-o-rk *
* it's "Saturday ni-I-I-I-ght" *
[ cheers and applause ]

>> announcer: it's a
"Saturday night live" christmas

Special.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Jimmy fallon!

[ cheers and applause ]
>> oh, hey!
Thank you so much!

Thank you!
Yes!
I'm so excited.

[ cheers and applause continue ]
Thank you.
[ chuckles ]

I'm excited to be back and
Hosting "Saturday night live."
This place means so much to me.

All I've ever wanted my whole
Life is to be on this show, and
To be hosting is just a dream

Come true.
So, thank you so much.
[ cheers and applause ]

And it's the christmas show.
I can't even tell you what it
Feels like.

It feels like coming home.
It's christmas, baby.
It feels so good to be home.

Ha!
>> * christmas *
>> * snow's coming down *

>> * christmas *
>> * I'm watching it fall *
>> * christmas *

>> * all these people around *
>> * christmas *
>> * it's so good to be home *

Wow, so many memories.
"Barry gibb talk show."
[ cheers and applause ]

Debbie downer.
[ cheers and applause ]
Cowbell.

[ cheers and applause ]
I laughed and ruined all of
Those sketches.

Moving on. Hey!
* christmas *
* they're checking the cue

Cards *
>> * christmas *
>> * and fred's on the phone *

>> * christmas *
>> * bublé's doing cocaine *
>> no, I'm not.

>> * it's so good to be home *
* the spirits that walk these
Halls *

* "Gumby christmas" to
Schweddy balls *
* now I'm here to host for you *

>> * what about a verse for the
Jews? *
>> okay.

>> * hanukkah *
>> * eight days of presents *
>> * hanukkah *

>> * that's all that I know *
>> oh, okay.
>> * christmas *

>> * it's the holiday season *
>> * christmas *
>> * I'm so glad to be home *

Man, can you feel it, the spirit
In here?
Can you feel the spirit in the

House?!
[ cheers and applause ]
I love this time of year.

You get all cozy, and then you
Just wait for the white-haired
Gentleman to give you a gift!

>> merry christmas, jimmy.
>> thank you.
Thank you, lorne.

I got something for you, too.
>> aww!
>> here.

>> sweet!
>> 1, 2, 3, 4!
>> * christmas *

>> * if there was a way *
>> * christmas *
>> * for the friends that I

Know *
>> * christmas *
>> * to come back here someday *

* peace, peace *
* peace, peace *
It's so good to be home!

>> * christmas *
>> it's so good to be home!
>> * christmas *

>> it's so good to be home!
>> * christmas *
>> it's so good, so good, so

Good, so good!
[ "Joy to the world" plays ]

>> from aspen, colorado, it's

"The mark jensen family
Christmas," brought to you by

Dillman's baby food.
Baby says, "I gots to have my

Dillman's."
And spanish jim's rust remover.

Make rust head for the border
With spanish jim's.

And now here's mark jensen.
>> what do you say we get this

Party started?
[ "It's the most wonderful time
Of the year" plays ]

* it's the most wonderful time
Of the year *
>> * dingdong, dingdong *

>> * with the kids
Jingle-belling and everyone
Telling you "Be of good cheer" *

* it's the most wonderful time
Of the year *
>> * dingdong, dingdong *

>> * it's the hap-happiest
Season of all *
>> * dingdong, dingdong *

>> * with those holiday
Greetings and gay, happy
Meetings when friends come to

Call *
* it's the hap-happiest season
Of all *

It's going too fast.
* there'll be parties for
Hosting, marshmallows for

Toasting, and caroling out in
The snow *
I'm gonna barf.

* there'll be scary ghost
Stories and tales of the
Glories...Christmases long ago *

Yep. [ groaning ]
* ...Most wonder-- *
[ retching ]

It's okay. Keep it playing.
I'll get it back.
I'll get it back.

[ retching ]
* ...Wonderful time of the
Year *

[ retching ]
Hello? I can't do it.
We set it too fast.

[ music stops ]
[ groans ]

>> we'll be right back with more

Of "The mark jensen family
Christmas."

**

>> this is a north pole news
"Special report."

>> good evening.
I'm rick sugarplum.

Breaking news tonight of an
Incident which led to a fire at

Santa's workshop & toy
Production north.

Our own donnie chestnut is live
At the scene.

Donnie, what's going on?
And will it affect christmas?

[ siren wailing ]
>> well, rick, what we know

Is -- there was a fire caused by
A knocked-over licorice lamp as

Elves were fleeing the workshop,
But no word yet as to what they

Were fleeing from.

Still looking for answers here.
>> I saw the whole thing!

I saw the whole thing walking
Back from the candy cane depot.
I saw the whole thing!

>> okay, it looks like we have
An eyewitness here.
What's your name, sir?

>> don't matter what my name is!
I seen what happened.
A polar bear got into the

Workshop and started eating the
Elves!
I don't know those elves and I

Don't work with those elves, but
Those elves are gone!
>> wait. Hold on.

Is this man saying a polar bear
Got inside the workshop?
>> yes, I believe he is.

But, sir, there is an
Electrified fence around the
Perimeter.

>> it don't matter about no
Electrified fence!
The bear came right through

Fence.
It looked just like
"Jurassic park."

It just ran through the fence!
These bears are out there and
They're hungry 'cause of global

Warming.
And they smelled that fresh elf
Meat and went crazy!

The bears are coming for us,
Y'all!
Aaaah!

>> well, that is some troubling
News.
Any word on who might have been

Injured?
>> well no, official casualties
Have been confirmed.

>> I'll confirm the casualties
Right now!
Look at this leg!

Look at this leg!
I found this lying down on the
Ground down there!

They're dead!
Bears was poppin' elves in their
Mouth like skittles, not even

Chewing, swallowing elves whole,
Pointy shoes and all!
Aaaaah!

>> donnie, it looks like this
Could be far worse than
Originally thought?

>> again, rick, I don't want to
Speculate as to how serious it
Is without official word.

>> let me break it down for you.
I tell you how bad it is.
This white teenage elf girl ran

Out here, straight up to me, a
Black elf in sweatpants, and
Asked me to keep her safe.

That's how bad it is.
>> my friends are still in
There!

>> girl, they dead!
Where's santa?
That's what I want to know.

Santa's supposed to be here, and
He's nowhere to be found.
Christmas is canceled!

>> no. No, it's not.
No, it is not.
Please do not announce that,

Sir.
But thanks for the info.
What was your name, again?

>> it don't matter what my name
Is!
>> okay. Well, responses are

Already pouring in from the
Magical-being community.
The tooth fairy, via instagram

Moments ago.

"Wings heavy with despair this

Evening.
Sending my thoughts and prayers

To the north pole."

Some moving words there.
>> that bitch sound crazy!

>> sir...
>> we don't need thoughts and
Prayers.

How about sending us some guns
And ammunition and some bear
Traps, 'cause more bears are

Coming, and eating this good
Don't stay a secret for long.
We're up here, we're

Defenseless, and we're small,
We're adorable, and we're
Chewable.

>> okay. Thank you, sir.
We are good with you.
>> rick, here comes an elf who

Just emerged from the workshop.
Ma'am...
>> santa knew!

He knew that fence was old and
He didn't replace it 'cause it
Cost $5,000 more gumdrops than

He wanted.
Our peppermint blood is on your
Hands!

>> listen to this sexy-ass elf
Right here.
When polar bears are attacking,

The fattest man in the
North pole is nowhere to be
Found.

He's m.I.A.
Pretty convenient, huh?
Don't you think?

We're just scratching at the
Surface of this thing.
#santaknew.

>> oh, don't say things like
That.
Thank you very much.

And what is your name, again?
>> it don't matter what my name
Is!

It don't matter!
>> it does matter for our
Viewers.

Please.
>> alright,
My name is kittle diddles.

And I don't like my name.
That's why I didn't want to say
It.

[ bear roars ]
>> okay, well, thank you,
Kittle diddles.

Wait. Rick, I think I hear
Something.
It's very faint.

I think it's singing.
[ bear roaring ]
>> hey, that ain't no damn

Singing.
It's the bears!
The bears are coming back!

The bears are coming back!
**
[ cheers and applause ]

[ piano plays softly ]
>> if I had one wish that I
Could wish this holiday season,

It would be that all the
Children of the world to join
Hands and sing together in a

Spirit of harmony and peace.
If I had twowishes that I could
Make this holiday season, the

First would be for all the
Children of the world to join
Hands and sing in a spirit of

Harmony and peace, and the
Second would be for $30 million
A month to be given to me,

Tax-free, in a swiss bank
Account.
You know, if I had threewishes

That I could make this holiday
Season, first, of course, would
Be for all the children to get

Together and sing, the second
Would be for the $30 million
Every month to me, and the third

Would be for all-encompassing
Power over every living being
In the entire universe.

And if I had fourwishes that I
Could make this holiday season,
The first would be the crap

About the kids, definitely.
Second would be for the
$30 million, the third would be

For all the power, and the
Fourth would be to set aside one
Month each year to have an

Extended, 31-day orgasm to be
Brought about slowly by
Rosanna arquette and that model

Paulina somebody.
I can't think of her name.
Of course, my lovely wife can

Come, too, and she's behind me
100% on this, I guarantee you.
Wait a minute!

Maybe that sex thing should be
The firstwish.
So if I made that the first

Wish, you know, 'cause it could
All go boom tomorrow, then what
Do you got, you know?

No, no.
The kids -- the kids singing
Would be great.

That would be nice.
But wait a minute.
Who am I kidding?

I mean, they're not gonna be
Able to get all those kids
Together.

I mean, the logistics of the
Thing, it's impossible -- more
Trouble than it's worth.

So we reorganize.
Here we go.
First, the sex thing.

We go with that.
Second, the money -- no.
We go with the power second,

Then the money, and then the
Kids.
Oh, wait, oh, geez!

I forgot about revenge against
My enemies.
Okay, I need revenge against all

My enemies.
They should die like pigs in
Hell.

That would be the fourth wish.
And, of course, my fifth wish
Would be for all the children of

The world to join hands and sing
In a spirit of harmony and
Peace.

Thank you, everybody, and merry
Christmas.
[ cheers and applause ]

>> tonight is the seventh night
Of hanukkah, and here to sing a

Hanukkah song is adam sandler!
[ cheers and applause ]
>> that was cool. Thank you.

Thank you, thank you.
Thanks. Thanks very much.
Well, when I was a kid, this

Time of year always made me feel
A little left out, because in
School, there were so many

Christmas songs, and all us
Jewish kids had was the song
"Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel."

And so I wrote a brand-new
Hanukkah song for you jewish
Kids to sing, and I hope you

Like it.
* put on your yarmulke *
* here comes hanukkah *

* so much fun-ukkah to celebrate
Hanukkah *
* hanukkah is the festival of

Lights *
* instead of one day of
Presents, we have eight crazy

Nights *
* but when you feel like the
Only kid in town without a

Christmas tree *
* here's a list of people who
Are jewish, just like you and

Me *
* david lee roth lights the
Menorah *

* so do kirk douglas,
James caan, and the late
Dinah shore-ah *

* guess who eats together at the
Carnegie deli? *
* bowzer from sha na na and

Arthur fonzarelli *
* paul newman's half jewish, and
Goldie hawn's half, too *

* put them together, what a
Fine-looking jew *

[ laughs ]
* you... *

* you-ou-ou don't need
"Deck the halls" or
"Jingle bell rock" *

* 'cause you can spin a dreidel
With captain kirk and
Mr. Spock -- both jewish *

* put on your yarmulke *
* here comes hanukkah *
* the owner of the

Seattle supersonic-ah celebrates
Hanukkah *
* o.J. Simpson --

Not a jew *
* but guess who is?
Hall of famer rod carew *

He converted. Ahem.
* we got ann landers and her
Sister, dear abby *

* harrison ford's a quarter
Jewish -- not too shabby *
* some people think that

Ebenezer scrooge is *
* well, he's not, but guess who
Is? *

* all three stooges *
Oh, boy.
* so -- so many jews are in

Showbiz *
* tom cruise isn't, but I think
His agent is *

* tell your friend veronica it's
Time to celebrate hanukkah *
* I hope I get a harmonica on

This lovely, lovely hanukkah *
* so drink your gin and tonic-ah
But don't smoke marijuan-ukkah *

* if you really, really
Wanna-kkah *
* have a happy, happy, happy,

Happy hanukkah *
Happy hanukkah, everybody.
[ cheers and applause ]

Thank you.
>> adam sandler, everybody.
Yeah!

>> norm.
>> oh, my god.
The great sandu.

He's a fine-looking jew.

>> I'm dr. Bethel, professor of
Theology at yale, and this is

Cardinal hanson from the
Council of miraculous phenomena.
>> as you can imagine, you are

Of great interest to both the
Secular and religious
Communities.

>> yeah.
We believe you've had a genuine
Encounter with the real

Santa claus.
>> this is nuts, man.
I mean, we're just regular

People who heard footsteps on
Christmas eve, and now we're a
Christmas miracle.

>> indeed.
Now, tell us what happened after
You awoke.

>> well, me and my girl woke up
And came downstairs and santa
Was standing there in our living

Room, real as rain.
>> and he says, "Come with me to
The north pole."

And just like that, we were on
His sleight, like, with the
Reindeer and everything.

>> huh. Miraculous.
>> and you, ms. Rafferty?
>> yeah.

Little different for me.
Uh, I'm crashing in their guest
Room, right?

And I came downstairs a little
Later.
They were gone.

And I was met by a
Nine-foot-tall goat-man named
Krinkle maus, who, according to

Some german fairy tale, is
Santa's helper.
And he, um -- he points a hoof

At me, and he goes --
[ imitates bleating ]
And I, uh, kind of got the hint

That I should come with.
>> and were you taken to santa's
Sleigh?

>> oh, no, no, no.
Um, krinkle maus, it turns out,
Travels by dogsled, which sounds

Fun, but then he straps a
Harness on me, throws me in with
The frickin' dog team.

And these, uh -- these dogs
Don't fly.
They run.

And let me tell you, if you
Think you can't run as fast as
A dog, you're right.

A minute in, I fall.
I get dragged for a mile over
Rough forest floor, and my

Sweats get yanked off.
So now there's nothing between
The ground and my cooter and

Tooter.
Look, wasn't the worst time I've
Had on all fours.

>> fascinating.
Now, what happened when you
Arrived at the north pole?

>> well, it sounds crazy, but we
Were taken to santa's workshop.
And it was beautiful, and it

Smelled just like gingerbread.
And, uh [sniffs] My beard still
Smells like it, ma'am.

>> yeah. Yeah.
And mrs. Claus came out with
Mugs of hot cocoa.

It warmed my tummy and my heart.
>> what?
These two were in a disney

Movie.
Meanwhile, krinkle maus takes me
To the reindeer stables.

He hands me a shovel.
He goes, "You work!"
And also I had the, uh, pleasure

Of meeting the missus.
That's mrs. Krinkle maus, who
Looks more like a ram than a

Goat.
And, uh, she's either jealous or
A lez 'cause she starts ramming

My knocker like th--
Pardon me, sharon.
She's going -- [ imitates

Bleating ]
>> that's -- that's enough.
They -- they get it, I think.

They get it.
>> like that.
>> and what happened next in the

Workshop?
>> well [chuckles] You're not
Gonna believe me, but the elves

Came out, and we all sang songs.
>> yeah, there was a bunch of
Chubby little guys in fun,

Pointy hats with these cute
Little toeses and noses.
>> yeah, the stables have one

Elf.
He looks exactly like gollum.
Smelled like a hard-boiled egg,

And -- I swear to god -- this
Little bastard's name was shart.
>> okay.

Well, uh, did he -- did he also
Sing and dance?
>> no, no.

He, um -- he's in charge of the
Reindeer, right?
And he tells me it's time to

Check them for worms.
Cut to, I'm holding onto a lady
Reindeer.

I'm keeping her steady while
Shart's kind of like poking
Around.

And remember, these reindeer can
Fly, so when she bucks I'm
Getting 20, 30 feet off the

Ground.
And I'm still rocking zero pants
Here, so my -- my hog-taker and

Log-maker are on full display.
Let's just say I understand why
Krinkle maus and company aren't

Showing up on any coca-cola
Christmas cans.
>> god, I don't think you had as

Good a time as we did.
>> oh, yeah, doug?
Yeah?

>> and how were you returned
Home?
>> well, santa sprinkled this

Magic dust, and the whole
Workshop just dissolved around
Us.

>> yeah, and then we were just
Back in our living room
Christmas morning.

And we went right out and loaded
Up the flatbed with christmas
Ham for the poor, came home that

Night, and made tender love for
The first time in six years.
>> [ chuckles ]

The lord works in mysterious
Ways.
>> yeah. So does shart...

'cause when it was time for me
To go, krinkle maus hands him a
Magic stick, and this son of a

Bitch steps up to the plate
And -- pbh! -- cracks me in the
Back of the knee with it.

And I dissolve into a closed
Bank of america 15 miles from my
House.

And I tripped some sort of
Alarm, so the cops show up.
And, mind you, I am still

Pantsless, so now I'm spending
Christmas morning in the back of
A squad car with my grassy knoll

And my gassy hole hanging out.
And I'm thinking, "Damn it,
Colleen, you're becoming your

Mother."
>> wow. Remarkable.
Do you think you'll ever see

These spirits again?
>> no, but I feel st. Nick in my
Heart.

>> yeah, I see him whenever I
See a child smile.
>> yeah, I smell hard-boiled

Eggs, so shart can't be too far
Off.
I think that little bastard

Followed me home.
Oh, boy.
Great.

What the hell am I gonna feed
That thing, you know?

[ soft music plays ]
>> hey, girl, I got something

Real important to give you.
So just sit down and listen.
* girl, you know we've been

Together such a long, long
Time *
>> * such a long time *

>> * and now I'm ready to lay it
On the line *
>> * well, you know it's

Christmas, and my heart is open
Wide *
>> * open wide *

>> * gonna give you something so
You know what's on my mind *
>> * what's on my mind *

* a gift real special, so take
Off the top *
>> * take a look inside *

* it's my [bleep] In a box *
>> * it's in a box *
>> both: * not gonna get you a

Diamond ring *
* that sort of gift don't mean
Anything *

* not gonna get you a fancy
Car *
* girl, you gotta know you're my

Shining star *
* not gonna get you a house in
The hills *

* a girl like you needs
Something real *
* I want to get you something

From the heart *
>> * something special, girl *
>> both: * it's my [bleep] In a

Box *
* my [bleep] In a box, babe *
* it's my [bleep] In a box *

>> ooh *
>> both: * my [bleep] In a box,
Girl *

* see, I'm wise enough to know
When a gift needs giving, girl *
* and I got just the one *

* something to show you that you
Are second to none *
>> * yeah, yeah, yeah *

>> * to all the fellas out
There with ladies to impress *
* it's easy to do, just follow

These steps *
* one *
>> * cut a hole in a box *

>> * two *
>> * put your junk in that box *
>> * three *

>> * make her open the box *
>> both: * and that's the way
You do it *

* it's my [bleep] In a box *
* my [bleep] In a box, babe *
* it's my [bleep] In a box *

>> * ooh *
>> both: * my [bleep] In a box,
Girl *

>> * christmas *
>> * [bleep] In a box *
>> * hanukkah *

>> * [bleep] In a box *
>> * kwanzaa *
>> * a [bleep] In a box *

* every single holiday,
A [bleep] In a box *
* over at your parents' house,

A [bleep] In a box *
* midday at the grocery store,
A [bleep] In a box *

* backstage at the cmas,
A [bleep] In a box *
* yeah, well, well, well, well *

>> * saturday tv funhouse *
* tv funhouse *

>> come back here with my show!
>> * tv funhouse *
>> on christmas eve, the

Gentiles gather 'round the
Christmas tree.
They stay at home and party with

Their goyishe family.
They disappear one day each year
And pass the eggnog 'round.

But it's all right 'cause that's
The night the jews control the
Town.

[ up-tempo r&b music plays ]
* well, it happens every year on
Christmas eve *

* all the happy christian people
Take their leave *
* yeah, the streets are deserted

And that's big news *
* it's christmastime for the
Jews *

* yeah, the holiday party starts
About 6:00 p.M. *
* ain't nobody re-creating

Bethlehem *
* yeah, the three wise men,
That's a big old snooze *

* it's christmastime for the
Jews *
* they can finally see

"King kong" without
Waiting in line *
* they can eat in chinatown and

Drink the sweetest wine *
* they can crank
Barbra streisand on the streets

They cruise *
* christmastime for the jews *
* they can gang up on the

Quakers *
* play for the lakers *
* they can do what they wanna *

* even blow off madonna *
* get a chance to drive a
Tractor *

* win on "Fear factor" *
* see "Fiddler on the roof" with
Actual jewish actors *

* now they really get the party
Going after dark *
* circumcising grateful

Squirrels in the city park *
* picking fights in the bar,
Knowing they can't lose *

* christmastime for the jews *
* now it's nearly 10:30 *
* yes, it's time for bed *

* "Daily show" rerun dancing in
Their heads *
* maybe next year, they'll learn

How to hold their booze *
* christmastime for the jews *
* everyone *

* christmastime for the jews *
* don't ya see, now *
* christmastime for the jews *

[ singing indistinctly ]

>> let go of my show!
Let go of my show!

Well,
The holiday

With family.On us once again,

On how to manage the holidays.
Please welcome drunk uncle.

Hey seth.
It is

Hosting saturday night fever.

Yeah.
So, uncle, are you excited

What they used to be seth.

You know, christmas

Meant something.
You know, people.
People got dressed up.

They would travel six hours
In a car.

Nowadays, it's just.
Hey, could you email me dinner?

Could you fax me a hug?

Okay.
Well, do you have any advice

Nieces getting gay, married.

You know, you know what?
I'm going to get herhat?

For a wedding present.
The boyfriend.

Just talk about the holidays?

Occupy lame street.

I mean, you know, kids,
They needou know, kids,

To pull up their pants, seth.

Kids today.
Kids today.

Text me, text me.
Text me.

Why don|t you write a letter,
You dummy? A letter to who?
You can't even say

Merry christmas anymore.

You got to say, hey, baby jesus,
Do you want to do pilates?

Or are you on a cleanse?

About christmas, though?

That sexy green m&m lady.

I would hit that.
Come on.

You thought about it?
No, I really hadn|t.

Every kiss begins with kay.

On your ipad and smoke it.

Can't believe I'm saying this.
Drunk uncle,e I'm saying this.

Catch.K you might be too drunk.

Okay.
I wasn't a prom queen.

Okay,
So I wasn|t sports king.
Okay, so I'm not muscle man.

Okay.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.

That's not me.
I'm sorry, I.

Jump,s your point?

Seth?
Immigrants.

Beth, beth.
If I was doctor conrad murray,

I would rent a boat.

You know what I'm going to say?
I don|t.

Hey, hey, hey.

Guess who's back?
Guess who's back?

Who's back?
It|s your back.

You're back.
That stinks.

So, in conclusion.

You're all robots.
Drunk uncle, everyone!

It's your dog.
I know it|s my dog.

>> "'twas the night before
Christmas, and all through the

House, not a creature was
Stirring, not even a mouse."
Mm.

Itchy, itchy.
"The stockings were hung by the
Chimney with care, in the hopes

That st. Nicholas soon would be
There."
Now, you know what they say

About hopes?
They're what we cling to when
Reality has left us nothing

Else.
"The children were nestled, snug
In their beds, while visions of

Sugarplums danced in their
Heads.
And mama in her kerchief and I

In my cap had just settled down
For a long winter's nap."
Now, kids, here's a question --

True or false -- during the
Holiday season, the suicide rate
Increases significantly?

Right? Well, you get back to me
On that.
"When out on the lawn there rose

Such a clatter, I sprang from my
Bed to see what was the matter."
You know that the state of

California has a home-invasion
Law where it's actually legal to
Shoot someone just for entering

Your residence?
And I mean perfectlylegal.
Did you know that?

Well, it's true.
"Away to the window I flew like
A flash, tore open the shutters,

And threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the
New-fallen snow gave a luster of

Midday to the objects below.
When what to my wondering eyes
Should appear but a miniature

Sleigh and eight tiny reindeer."
Now, did you know that it is
Estimated that santa's sleigh

Weighs 353,000 tons?
So, traveling at 650 miles per
Second would create such an

Enormous friction that santa and
His reindeer would burst into
Flame.

Do you understand?
Like a meteor entering the
Atmosphere.

Kids, this is a scientific fact.
"With a little old driver so
Lively and quick, I knew in a

Moment it must be st. Nick."
You know, in portugal, they
Actually don't call him

St. Nick.
His name is pai natal.
And unless children leave him a

Stick of butter, he steals one
Of their toes.
So it's rather terrifying.

Oh, by the way, if any of you
Guys are in the mood for a
Treat, here's a bowl of

Halls mentho-lyptus.
Anyone?
No?

Suit yourselves.
Can I say -- when I was a child,
We used to suck on pennies.

You know what I'm saying?
And it was a delight.
You know?

You know, I'm getting the sense
That not many of you are
Enjoying this.

I mean, am I correct in this
Assumption?
Okay, well, anyway -- well,

Kids, let's put it this way.
You have rendered all this
Useless.

Okay?
I'll just skip to the end.
"But I heard him exclaim as he

Drove out of sight,
'merry christmas to all, and to
All a good night.'"

So, merry christmas, children.
Do you know what?
Pai natal is coming, and he is

Gonna feast on all your toes.

>> mom, dad, get up!
>> come on, you guys!

Wake up! Wake up!
>> * it's christmas morning
* let's open up our presents

>> * well, I got a nerf gun
>> * I got a hat
>> * I got an autographed

Baseball bat *
>> * I got a telescope
>> * I got a globe

>> * I got a watch
>> * and I got a rose
>> * I got hulk hands

>> * I got a tie
>> * I got a copy of "The
Catcher in the rye" *

>> * I got a drum set
>> * I got a phone
>> * I got a pen

>> * and I got a robe
>> * I got an outdoor pizza
Oven *

>> * and I got a cameo from
Mclovin *
>> * I got a hoverboard

>> * I got a drone
>> * I got a laptop
>> * and I got a robe

Thanks for the robe.
It's really, really nice.
I love this robe, guys.

This is great.
>> * I got headphones
>> * I got a wig

>> * we got the piano from

"Big" *

>> * I got a vintage pinball
Machine *

>> * and I'm going to make us
Breakfast in my brand-new robe,
Which I love so much *

* it's really, really soft
* oh, it's on sale
>> * I got a sword

>> * I got shades
>> * we got pairs of roller
Blades *

>> * I got a lego
Millennium falcon *
>> * and I burned my arm in the

Oven *
* it hurts pretty bad but I
Didn't even scream 'cause I keep

The pain inside of me *
>> * more and more presents
* let's open up our stockings

>> * mine has a set of travel
Games *
>> * and mine is stuffed with

Candy canes *
>> * mine has a bottle of nice
Cologne *

>> * and mine is completely
Empty *
* just a big flat sock with

Nothing inside *
* only hang it up 'cause it
Looks kind of weird if it's

Missing in our pictures *
>> * hold on, now
* what's this I see?

>> * a few more presents beneath
The tree *
>> * looks like someone's got a

Big surprise *
>> * oh, you guys really didn't
Need to get me *

>> * it's presents for the dog
>> * he got a bone and a squeaky
Toy *

>> * and peanut butter treats
>> * 'cause he's a good boy
>> * so many presents but he

Deserves it *
>> * and he got a robe
**

>> * it's christmas morning
* let's take a family picture
>> john, I don't have any makeup

On.
I was up until 4:00 in the --
>> * what a great picture

* let's post it on the
Internet *

>> your mom does everything for

Your family.
This year, get her more than one

Present.
Moms like stuff too.

[ note plays ]
>> who touched my piano?!

>> it was an accident!

**

[ soft music plays ]
>> good evening, and welcome to

The holiday edition of
"Consumer probe."
Our subject tonight is unsafe

Toys for children -- for
Instance, this little
Bow-and-arrow set.

Pull the rubber suction cups
Off, and the arrows become
Dangerous missiles.

We have with us tonight
Mr. Irwin mainway, president of
Mainway toys.

Uh, mr. Mainway, your company
Manufactures the following
So-called harmless playthings --

Pretty peggy ear-piercing set,
Mr. Skin-grafter,
General tron's secret police

Confession kit, and
Doggy dentist.
And what about this innocent

Rubber doll, which you market
Under the name
Johnny switchblade?

Press his head, and two sharp
Knives spring from his arms.
Mr. Mainway, I'm afraid this is

By no means a safe toy.
>> okay, miss, I want to correct
You on one thing here, okay?

First of all, the full name of
This product, as it appears in
Stores all over the country, is

"Johnny switchblade: adventure
Punk."
Now, I mean, you know, nothing

Goes wrong.
These little girls buy them.
You know, they play games.

They make up stories.
Nobody gets hurt.
You know, I mean, so, barbie

Takes a knife once in a while or
Ken gets cut, you know?
I mean, there's no harm in it.

I mean, as far as I can see.
You know?
>> I see. Fine, fine.

Well, we'd like to show you
Another one of mr. Mainway's
Products.

It retails for $1.98, and it's
Called "Bag o'glass."
Mr. Mainway, this is simply a

Bag of jagged, dangerous glass
Bits.
>> yeah, right, it's -- you

Know, it's just glass.
It's broken glass, you know?
I mean, you know, it sells very

Well, as a matter of fact, you
Know?
As I said, it's just broken

Glass, you know?
>> [ scoffs ]
I don't understand.

I mean, children could seriously
Cut themselves on any one of
These pieces.

>> yeah, well, look.
You know, the average kid -- he
Picks up, you know, broken glass

Anywhere -- the beach, the
Street, garbage cans, parking
Lots, all over the place in any

Big city.
We're just packaging what the
Kids want, you know?

You know?
I mean, it's a creative toy.
I mean, you know, if you hold

This up, you see colors.
You know, you see all the colors
Of the rainbow.

I mean, it teaches them about
Light refraction, prisms, and
That stuff.

Yeah, prisms.
You know what I mean?
>> I see.

>> you know what I mean?
>> uh-huh.
Oh, so, you don't feel that this

Product is dangerous?
>> no! Come on, look.
We put a label on every bag,

Says, "Kid, be careful -- broken
Glass."
I mean, we sell a lot of

Products in the "Bag o'" line,
Like bag o' glass, bag o' nails,
Bag o' bugs, bag o' vipers,

Bag o' sulfuric acid.
You know, they're decent toys.
You know what I mean?

>> well, I guess we can see that
All of your toys are really
Unsafe and should rightfully be

Banned from the market.
>> [ scoffs ]
>> I don't know.

I just would have liked to know
What happened to the good, old
Teddy bear.

>> hold on a minute, sister.
I mean, you know, we make a
Teddy bear.

I got one right here.
You know, it's right here.
It's got a nice little feature

Here, you can see.
And take a shot of that.
I'll hold it up here.

You know, we call it
Teddy chain saw bear.
There it is, there it is --

Teddy chain saw bear, see?
[ chain saw revs ]
You know, a kid plays with this

Stuff, he can cut logs with it.
You know what I mean?
You know?

>> well, this is certainly a
Very sad situation -- one of the
Precious joys of christmas

Warped by a ruthless profiteer
Like yourself.
>> now, that's your opinion.

You know what I mean?
>> well, I just don't understand
Why you can't make harmless toys

Like these alphabet blocks.
>> come on. This is harmless?
All right, okay, you call this

Harmless?
I mean I got a sliver in here!
Look at that.

A sliver. This is wood!
You know, this is unsanded wood.
You know, this is rough.

A kid gets a sliver in him.
>> all right, all right.
I've had enough of this

Ridiculous display.
Here is another creative toy,
Safe enough for a baby.

>> hell, you say it's safe.
I mean, look at this cord.
I mean, the kid's on the phone.

"Hello? Hello?"
"Aah!"
You know what I mean?

I mean, it's just an example.
You know, it's just an example.
You know what I mean?

It's an example, you know?
I mean, you see my point,
You know, I demonstrate like

That, you know?
You see my point, you know?
>> um, well, let's try this one.

What about this little foam play
Ball?
I mean, even you, mr. Mainway,

Can't find anything dangerous
About this, huh?
That's all the time we have on

"Consumer probe" this week.
>> bounce it on the table.
Aah!

[ grunting ]
You can't breathe, you know?
>> and now for this filmed

Message.
Thank you.

>> the following
Is a paid advertisement.

>> you know 'em, you know 'em.
It's swedish pop supergroup
Abba.

They're the fleetwood mac
Of cold weather,
And they're the number-one band

Alphabetically of all time.
You can't get
Enough of their music.

You loved "Mamma mia!",

"Mamma mia! Here we go again,"
And the prequel, "Mama."

And you love how their hits
Like "Dancing queen" make you

Feel young, sweet and 17.
And now being released
For the first time,

It's their 1978 christmas album,
"Abba christmas," with songs
Like "Santa queen."

**

>> * santa claus,
Your life's a dream *

* you're at the dance
* you're 17

* comin' down the chimney
* straight to the dance floor

* you're 13 plus 4
>> or they're take on "Away in
A manger" called

"Who's that baby?
(it's the baby jesus)."

>> * little baby j

* your birthday's today
* shake your tambourine

'cause you're 17 *

* the wise men pray
* that you give a twirl

* on the dance floor, sayin'
That we love you, girl *
* 'cause you're 17

>> that's right, the characters
Are mostly on the dance floor.
And they're all 17.

But not all the tunes are happy.
Take a listen to their wintry
Take on "Chiquitita,"

"Frostitita."
>> wow, everyone, look.
Look there. It's frostitita.

>> wow!
She's more beautiful than ever.
>> she's smiling.

But we know the truth.
>> the truth is,
She's super depressed.

>> * frostitita

* you are so sad
>> * frostitita

* you're very mad

>> * frostitita
* you don't have a boyfriend

>> * you are so...
>> * please try not to cry
>> * your tears are melting your

Eyes off *
>> it's "Abba christmas,"
Featuring 15 brand-new

Christmas classics,
As well as 85 holiday
Remakes of their existing songs

Like their "Fa la la"
Number sung with their signature
"Standing close,

Facing different directions."
>> * fa la la la
* fa la le la la

* fa la, fa la la la le la
* fa la le la
* fa la le la la

* fa la, fa la la la le la
[ cheers and applause ]
Yeah.

Or their holiday take on
The guttural favorite
"Knowing me, knowing you."

**
>> * gifts for me, gifts for
You *

* uh-huh
* they are wrapped in red and
Blue *

* gifts for me, gifts for you
* uh-huh
>> abba translated the songs

From swedish
To english themselves,
And they all turned out perfect

Except for one that didn't.
**
>> * barbecue

* made it for christmas from
Kangaroo *
* barbecue

* give me some more of that
Kangaroo *
>> so give yourselves the gift

Of "Abba christmas,"
Perfect for everyone
From mothers to their gay sons.

Take it away, abba.
**
>> * fa la la la

* fa la le la la
* fa la, fa la la la le la
* fa la le la

**

[ wind whistling ]

>> so, what's this meeting

About?
>> I don't know.

It better be about our tools.
My hammer is falling apart in
My hands.

>> elves can't build with tools
Like this.
>> I'll never be done with my

Toys by christmas!
>> aw.
>> everyone, settle down.

This is winter's breath.
He's an elf from the home
Office.

>> can I have your attention
For a moment, because you're
Talking about what?

You're talking about the hammer,
Bitching about the quality of
Your wood, some pixie you're

Trying to screw?
Let's talk about something
Important.

Put that cocoa down!
>> what?
>> cocoa is for cobblers only.

You think I'm screwing around?
I am not screwing around.
I am here from kris kringle.

I'm here from the north pole,
And I am on a mission of mercy.
Your name is honeydew?

>> yeah.
>> and you call yourself an elf,
You son of a bitch?

>> hey, I don't have to listen
To this!
>> you certainly don't, pal,

Because the good news is, you're
Fired.
The bad news is, all of you have

Got one week to regain your
Jobs, starting with tonight's
Build.

>> [ groans ]
>> oh, have I got your attention
Now?

Good, 'cause we're adding a
Little something to this month's
Toy contest.

As you know, first prize is a
Shiny, new toboggan.
Anybody want to see second

Prize?
Second prize is a box of candy
Canes.

Third prize is, you're fired.
Everybody get the picture?
You laughing now, huh?

You've got tools.
Santa paid good money for those
Tools.

You can't build with the tools
You have, you can't build
Garbage?

You aregarbage!
Hit the bricks, pal, and beat
It, because you are going out.

>> h-h-hey, our tools are weak.
>> your tools are weak?
The f'ing tools are weak?

You'reweak.
I've been in this business for
615 years.

>> hey, what's your name?
>> screw you. That'smy name.
And you want to know why,

Mister?
Because you rode a hedgehog to
Work, and I got here on a

Talking moose.
That's my name.
Remember, boys and girls, "A,"

Always, "B," be, "C," closing.
Always be cobbling.
Always be cobbling.

>> that's incredible.
>> what's the problem, pal?

>> well, you're such a hero.
You're so rich.
Why are you coming down here and

Wasting your time with a bunch
Of bums?
>> you see this gumdrop?

You see this gumdrop?
This gumdrop cost more than the
Mushroom you call a house.

You see, pal, that's who iam,
And you're nothing.
Nice guy? I don't care.

Good father? Elf you.
Go home and play with your kids.
You want to work here, cobble.

I can sit here tonight with the
Tools you got, make myself 15
Train sets tonight in 2 hours.

Can you? Can you?
>> no, no.
>> get mad, you sons of bitches!

Get mad!
You know what it takes to be one
Of santa's elves?

It takes brass balls to be an
Elf.
The tools are out there.

Build with the tools.
You don't, I got no sympathy for
You.

And you know what you'll be
Saying, bunch of losers, sitting
Around the reindeer shed,

Drinking fermented dew out of
Acorn caps?
"Oh, yeah, I used to be one of

Santa's elves.
It's a tough racket."
These are the new tools.

>> all: ooh!
>> these are the new glengarry
Line of power tools, and to you,

They're gold.
And you don't get them.
Why?

Because to give them to you is
Just throwing them away.
They're for cobblers.

I'd wish you good luck, but you
Wouldn't know what to do with it
If you got it.

And to answer your question,
Pal, I'm here because santa
Asked me to be here as a favor.

I said the real favor, follow
My advice and fire yourelfin'
Ass, because a loser is a loser.

Oh, and one more thing -- you
All get holiday bonuses.
It's still christmas.

>> yay!

>> we now return to
Charles dickens'

"A christmas carol."
>> oh, spirits, please!
Enough of these ghastly visions!

I want to be a better man.
I want to live!
[ bells tolling ]

I'm in my room.
I'm alive.
I can't believe that I'm alive!

Ah!
Oh, oh!
Thank you, spirits!

Thank you for showing me
The way.
Ah, ah! Oh, oh!

I'm as light as a feather.
I'm as merry as a schoolboy.
I'm as giddy as a drunken man.

And I will change.
I swear to you
That I will change.

I just hope it's not too late.
Ah!
Oh!

You, lad!
You, down there!
>> me?

>> yes, you, boy.
Tell me, what day is today?
>> why, it's christmas day, sir.

>> ah! Christmas!
Then I haven't missed it.
The spirits did it all

In one night.
My dear boy, do you know the
Prize goose in the window

Down the street?
>> the one as big as me?
>> ah, that's the one!

Go and buy it so that tiny tim
And his family might have a
Christmas feast.

>> but what shall I buy it with,
Sir?
I'm so poor!

>> aha!
Why, with this, of course.
[ ting! ]

**
>> aah! [ gasping ]
Oh, my god! My eye!

>> oh, [bleep]
>> what the hell are you doing?!
I'm blind!

>> why didn't you catch it?
>> what, you're blaming me?!
>> then, here, okay?

Please, take this for your
Medical bills.
>> what's that?

[ all screaming ]
Oh, my god! Aah!
>> this crazy old man

Is whipping coins
Into the eyes of orphans!
>> I didn't know he was

An orphan!
>> oh, yeah, like I look like
I have living parents?

[ harp trills ]
[ angelic choir sings ]
>> hey, scrooge.

Just thought I'd check in on you
And see how you --
Oh, my god!

>> someone arrest that man!
He's blinding children
For sport!

>> I'm not.
>> he's always been a cruel
Old man.

He hates us orphans.
>> let me guess.
You tossed the coin way up

In the air, right?
That's a classic mistake.
What you want to do is toss the

Coin straight down.
Now, watch this.
[ whoosh ]

>> aaaah!
>> ohh!
Ah! What are you doing?!

>> what?
I couldn't see. What happened?
>> he's blinding the whole town,

He is!
>> okay, that one's my bad.
Here, kid.

Put some ice on it.
[ whoosh ]
[ all screaming ]

>> oh, damn!
[ screaming continues ]
>> that was him!

>> yeah, they can't see me,
'cause I'm a ghost, so you look
Like a total psychopath now.

>> is it true, mr. Scrooge?
Are you blinding children
For fun?

>> of course not, tiny tim.
I'm a changed man, I tell you.
Now, take this money

To fix your legs.
I'll just throw it on the ground
Right there, and you can

Pick it up, okay?
[ metallic ringing ]

>> oh, oh! Aah!
>> oh!

>> scrooge just threw tiny tim
Into a sewer!
>> he's the devil, he is!

>> okay, my earlier advice was
To be nicer to people.
But my new advice

Is to lawyer up.
>> it's fine.
I-I can take care of this.

Let's everyone keep quiet about
This whole incident, shall we?
And I'll make it

Worth your while!
[ townspeople screaming ]
>> please stop yelling

And throwing shiny objects!
You're going to spook
The horse--

[ horse neighs ]
>> [ screaming ]

>> [ gasps ]
[ screaming continues ]

[ screaming stops ]
[ townspeople murmuring ]
>> okay!

Well, we've all learned a lot
Today, haven't we?
But the most important

Lesson is...
Merry christmas!
[ glass shatters ]

[ townspeople screaming ]
>> apple pay --
Never use coins again.

>> just imagine, 24 timeless
Standards, including the classic

"Carol of intimacy."
>> * leave me alone *
* please go away *

* I'm doing fine *
* just get away *
* leave me alone *

* please go away *
* I'm doing fine *
* just get away *

* leave me alone *
* please go away *
* I'm doing fine *

**

>> [ breathes deeply ]
Okay. Kids are finally asleep.

All right, what's there left to
Do?
Dishes?

>> already done.
>> oh, my god. You are an angel.
So, did you have a merry

Christmas?
>> are you kidding me?
That was the best christmas

Ever.
>> really?
>> babe, I had a smile on my

Face from the moment I woke up.
>> mom!
>> wake up!

>> it's christmas!
Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
>> oh, you've got to be [bleep]

Kidding me.
I think I was more excited than
The kids.

>> yeah, I know.
I was the same way.
>> yeah.

>> [ laughs ]
[ children shouting ]
>> they liked their presents,

Right?
>> dana loves her playhouse.
>> [ chuckles ]

>> you weren't up too late
Building it, were you?

>> fisher [bleep]
[bleep] Piece of [bleep]

No. It was a breeze.
>> my family didn't ruin your
Day, did they?

>> no. I love that we hosted
This year.
>> merry --

>> traffic was awful.
>> three hours!
>> whoa! You gained weight!

[ laughs ]
>> are you sure?
>> honestly, babe, they made my

Day.
[ children shouting ]
>> all right.

>> [ coughs ]
>> hey, rach, is cameron sick?
>> I can't believe your cousin

Made the drive.
>> I know.
God, it was so nice to see him.

>> yeah.
>> why do I have to take it off?
>> because it's my dinner table,

And they're my kids!
>> you're racist against whites!
You're racist against whites!

>> she is.
>> and how about you, the
Hostess with the mostest?

Taking care of everybody?
How do you do it?
>> I guess I was just full of

Christmas cheer.

>> well, I had a perfect day.
>> me too.

>> I mean, this is going to
Sound corny, but...
[ children shouting ]

...I don't know if it was you
And the kids...
You're not adopted.

She's not adopted.
Why would you tell her that?
...Or the family being here...

>> [ farts ]
>> ...But I definitely felt some
Christmas magic today.

[ laughs ]
I absolutely love them!
Come on, guys.

Thank you, guys.
Thank you, guys.
>> best christmas ever?

>> best christmas ever.
>> mom! Tyler's in my room!
[ glass shatters ]

>> [ sighs ]
>> get out!
>> I'll go.

>> I hate you!
Stop it, tyler!
[ screams ]

[ cheers and applause ]

>> season's greetings
From all of us here at

"Saturday night live."
[ sleigh bells ringing ]
>> one...

[ synthesizer plays "I wish
It was christmas today" ]
One...

>> two...
>> one...
>> two...

>> three...
>> four.

* I don't care what your mama
Says *

* christmastime is near *
* I don't care what your daddy
Says *

* christmastime is dear *
* all I know is that santa's
Sleigh *

* is making its way to the
U.S.A. *
[ music continues ]

* I don't care what the mayor
Says *

* christmas is full of cheer *
* I don't care if you think it's
A lie *

* christmas will soon be here *
* I don't care about the
C.I.A. *

* I don't care what the
Calendars say *
* I wish it was christmas

Today *
* I wish it was christmas
Today *

[ animals roaring,
Music continues ]

[ music stops ]
[ cheers and applause ]

>> and maybe next year, we can
Host this company holiday party

In the bahamas, right?
Cheers, everybody.
>> cheers.

>> oh. Seriously, thank you all
For coming tonight.
Now, how about we start the

White elephant gift exchange?
Does everyone know how this
Works?

>> remind me again.
>> oh. We all take turns
Grabbing gifts, right?

>> yep. But you only get to pick
When your number is called.
>> yeah, but we can steal a

Gift, right?
>> exactamundo.
Let's start. Who's got number 1?

>> uh, that'd be me.
Okay.
Ooh, ooh, ooh!

All right.
What do we got here?
Ooh.

[ sniffs ]
Okay. Now, that's a candle
Right here.

I love it.
>> all right. Who's next?
Oh, me.

I've got number 2.
>> okay.
Sean, the temp, getting in on

The action.
>> hey...
Dah.

All right.
Oh, nice!
A sweet ashtray!

Oh, you know, I was just saying
I needed something like this.
I'm gonna use this as a

Catch-all by the front door of
My place. Yep.
>> cool. Well, next --

>> so when I get home from a
Long day, I can just put all my
Rings and bracelets and --

And -- and -- and playing cards
And stuff right from my pockets
Right here so I know where

Everything is.
To whoever got this, thank you.
For real, I am gonna cherish

This forever.
It is perfect.
>> okay. Well, let's move on.

So, number 3.
I'm up.
And you know what?

Actually, I'm gonna steal.
I really like sean's gift.
Yoink!

>> [ laughing ] Okay.
>> oh, she did it.
>> let the games begin.

>> wait. So, what, now I just
Don't get a gift?
>> no, sean, now you can go back

To the unopened gifts, or you
Can steal.
>> okay. All right.

I'll steal my gift back.
Yoink back at you.
>> no, I don't think you can do

That.
>> yeah, you've, uh -- you got
To grab someone else's.

>> uh...
That's not fair.
You shouldn't be able to do

That.
That's -- that's, like, mean.
That's mean as hell.

You know what, ava?
You are a wicked little woman.
>> whoa, whoa, whoa, sean,

I'mma need to you chillax,
Pimp juice.
>> that's just how the game is

Played, dude.
>> you shouldn't be able to take
Someone's gift if it's perfect

For them.
That's not right.
For example, I wouldn't take

Janette's scented candle because
I know that her house stinks.
>> what?

>> no, I'm just saying, janette,
We've all been to your house.
We're all aware that you need

That candle.
>> sean, it's okay, dude.
Just take a different gift.

>> all right, whatever.
>> are you gonna open it?
>> why?

It's just gonna suck.
>> okay. Hey, let's all take a
Chill pill and push through.

This is supposed to be fun,
Remember?
So who's next?

>> number 5 right here.
Hey, janette, could I get a
Whiff your candle?

>> uh-oh. Okay.
I think I know where this is
Going.

>> so, what, are you gonna use
It to smoke dope?
>> sean!

>> what? Look at her.
She's obviously doped out of her
Gourd right now.

Total smackhead.
>> sean, you're going a child.
>> just open your gift and shut

Up.
>> all right, whatever.
I will.

Happy?
Let's see what crap awaits.
Ugh!

It's even addressed to me.
Who wrote my name on this one?
[ gasps ]

Oh, my goodness.
It's the same catchall
But in jet black.

That's, like, even more awesome
Than the other one, because jet
Black is my favorite color.

>> your favorite color is
Jet black?
>> it's a christmas miracle,

Guys!
Who did this?
Come on, fess up, somebody.

>> it wasn't me.
I didn't...
>> that must mean...

[ hoofs beating ]
>> ho ho ho ho ho!
Santa claus here,

Telling you that if someone is
Lucky enough to get a perfect
Gift at the white elephant gift

Exchange, let them keep it.
It costs you nothing to be nice.
Now, you might wonder how I knew

Sean wanted that catchall.
Just call it father's intuition.
Ho ho, merry christmas!

Ho ho ho!

(musicbox playing)

* it's a beautiful day in
The neighborhood, *

* a beautiful day for a
Neighbor. *

My, won't you be my neighbor? *

(laughter)

Hello, boys and girls.

You know, christmas is a
Special time

In mr. Robinson's neighborhood.

It's a time for giving.

And look what
Mr. Landlord gave me.

It's an eviction notice.

[ soft classical music plays ]
>> hello.

I'm margaret jo mccullen.
>> and I'm teri rialto.
>> both: and you're listening

To "The delicious dish" on
National public radio.
>> now, teri, it's christmas

Season again, our favorite time
Of year.
>> that's right, margaret jo.

Holiday time is when the most
Wonderful culinary wishes can
Come true.

Now, what's on yourlist this
Holiday season, margaret jo?
>> well, teri, I really got

Greedy this year.
I'm asking kris kringle for a
Wooden bowl, some oversized

Index cards, and a funnel.
>> ooh, a funnel.
That'll be great for funneling.

>> I know.
I feel like a glutton.
>> [ chuckles ]

>> what's on yourlist, teri?
>> well, I'm only asking santa
For one thing -- a big box of

Glue traps to help me deal with
My excessive rat problem.
[ chuckles ]

Now, tell me, um, are you,
Margaret jo, going to leave any
Treats out for santa this year?

>> oh, absolutely.
I always do.
I like to leave santa some tap

Water and rice.
If santa's anything like me,
Christmas foods really wreak

Havoc on the old digestive
System.
What are you gonna leave, teri?

>> uh, I can't ever leave food
Out in my apartment, because I
Have an excessive rat problem.

>> that's neat. Santa's fun.
>> santa's fun. Neat.
>> yeah, it's fun.

>> good times.
>> good times.
>> that's neat.

Well, christmas is a time for
Traditional foods and bite-sized
Treats.

And we have a very special
Guest today.
>> that's right, teri.

He's the owner of his own
Holiday bakery with a very, very
Clever name...

Season's eatings.
>> that's really funny.
>> I know.

It rhymes with "Season's
Greetings."
>> [ giggles ]

Uh, please welcome the owner
Of season's eatings,
Pete schweddy.

>> hi, pete.
Welcome. How are you?
>> welcome, pete.

>> we like the name of your
Store.
>> hi. Thanks for having me.

>> now, did I pronounce your
Name correctly?
>> you sure did.

Pete schweddy.
>> well, pete, teri and I have
Been looking forward to having

You on the show, 'cause we know
You're the master of all kinds
Of christmas goodies.

Tell us about them.
>> well, there are lots of great
Treats this time of year --

Zucchini bread, fruitcake.
But the thing that I most like
To bring out at this time of the

Year are my balls.

>> mmm.
Mmm, balls.

Mmm.
Tell us about your balls, pete.
>> well, over at

Season's eatings, we have balls
For every taste -- popcorn
Balls, cheese balls,

Rum balls -- you name it.
>> wow.
My mouth's watering just

Thinking about those balls.
>> it's been years since I've
Seen anyballs.

>> would you like to see my
Balls now?
>> yeah.

>> yeah.
>> whip 'em out.
>> whip 'em, baby.

>> ooh.
>> wow.
>> wow.

>> wow.
You have some beautiful balls.
>> they're bigger than I

Expected.
>> I know.
A lot of people tell me that.

>> look at that, teri, the way
They glisten.
>> that's because I make sure

That each one of my balls gets
Plenty of oil.
>> I can't help but notice,

Pete, your balls are a little
Misshapen.
>> that's because I rested them

On a hot stove for too long.
>> can I touch your balls?
>> go ahead, but be careful.

They're very delicate.
>> okay.
>> wow, I can't wait to get my

Mouth around this ball.
>> mmm.
Ooh, I like the way your balls

Smell.

>> do whatever you want to them,
Ladies.

My balls are here for your
Pleasure.
>> wow, pete, I have to say,

Your balls are so tender.
>> well, there's no beating my
Balls.

They're made from a secret
Schweddy family recipe.
No one can resist my schweddy

Balls.

>> fun.
>> schweddy balls.

Nothing like a schweddy ball.
>> schweddy balls.
>> good times.

>> good times.
>> mmm.
Mm-hmm.

>> mmm.
Oh.
Oh, our producer, glenn, is

Gesturing to us from the
Technician's booth.
And it looks like he -- oh, very

Good -- he's telling us to wrap
It up.
>> I guess that's all the time

We have today, teri.
So join us next week, when our
Topic will be that other holiday

Favorite...
>> both: fragrant salty nuts.
>> [ chuckles ]

>> hey, quick plug.
If you order from
Season's eatings now, we can

Still send out a special
Schweddy-ball sack in time for
Christmas.

>> ooh, great idea.
My niece would love a sack of
Schweddy balls.

>> deck the halls with boughs of

Doughnuts.
Real customers are telling you

Why their holidays run on
Dunkin'.

>> all I want for christmas is a
Dunkin' peppermint dunkaccino.

>> with the dunkin' app, I can
Order and pay on my smartphone

So my coffee's waiting for me
When I come in.

>> [ boston accent ] I [bleep]
Love dunkin', dad.

What are you talking about?
>> where else can I get

Breakfast and the perfect
Stocking stuffer?

>> you want to talk real
Customers?

Kid, that's me.
I'm like the mayor of dunkin'.
This is the face of

Dunkin' donuts right here.
>> hey, you can't smoke in
Here, man.

>> I'm not, mark.
I'm not smoking in here.
>> you're smoking in here.

Cigarette's outside.
>> it's coming in through the
Crack in the window.

>> yeah, I come down to dunkin'
Every day, grab a cruller, have
An extra large, three

Parliaments, take a big dump.
That's kind of the routine.
I got a seat right over there.

This douchebag will move when
I'm ready.
>> and with dunkin' rewards app,

There's even more reason to
Celebrate the season.
>> yo! Free coffee!

I got the big one!
I got a free coffee right there
On the app.

What are you doing here, a
Little show-and-tell or
Something, huh?

>> what?
>> what, a little show-and-tell?
"Dunkin' nuts."

Show that, brother.

>> 'tis the season for holiday

Drinks like our --
>> all right, never mind that.

Hey, interview my buddy dewey
For the movie right here.

Dewey, tell them what your
Favorite doughnut is.

>> no. I don't want to be in it.
>> come on, pal. It's a movie.

Tell them what your favorite --
How you like the, uh, vanilla

Nut taps.
>> what?

>> the vanilla nut taps.
>> ohh! Donnie!

Yo --
[ both shouting indistinctly ]

>> cut your nails, for god's
Sake!

>> I couldn't breathe, donnie!
Oh, yeah, go outside!

**
>> the best part of my day is
When I'm at dunkin'.

You think that's sad?
>> yes. Very.
>> real customers know the

Holidays run on dunkin'.

>> go back to starbucks!

**

>> * sleigh bells ring *
* are you listenin'? *

* in the lane *
* snow is glistenin' *
* a beautiful sight *

* we're happy tonight *
* walking in a winter
Wonderland *

* gone away is the bluebird *
* here to stay is a new bird *
* he sings a love song *

* as we go along *
* walking in a winter
Wonderland *

>> * in the meadow, we can build
A snowman *
* and pretend that he is

Parson brown *
* he'll say, "Are you
Married?" *

* we'll say, "No, man *
* but you can do the job when
You're in town" *

* later on, we'll conspire *
* as we dream by the fire *
* to face unafraid *

* the plans that we made *
* walking in a winter
Wonderland *

[ saxophone solo ]

>> [ laughing ]

>> * in the meadow, we can build
A snowman *

* and pretend that he is
Parson brown *
* he'll say, "Are you

Married?" *
>> * we'll say, "No, man *
* but you can do the job when

You're in town" *
* later on, we'll conspire *
* as we dream by the fire *

* to face unafraid *
* the plans that we made *
* walking in a winter

Wonderland *
* walking in a winter
Wonderland *

* walking in a winter
Wonderland *
[ music stops ]

[ cheers and applause ]

>> * so, this year, you be the
Stuffing *

* and I'll be the christmas
Goose *
Ah! Yes!

Well.
>> oh, boy.
Okay, who's next?

>> oh, that is the singing duo
Caleb and monte.
>> mm.

>> hello.
I am...
[ cheers and applause ]

Thank you. Thank you. Thanks.
I am caleb, and this is monte.
But a quick correction.

We are not a singing duo.
I am the singer, and monte plays
The triangle.

Which is for the best because
You don't want to hear monte
Sing.

>> I like to sing.
>> be quiet. Just stop it.
Be quiet right now.

You are not to sing today.
You are only here because we are
Cousins through marriage.

Now, do you remember your cue?
>> yes.
>> excellent.

This song is an original
Composition called
"Holiday time, holiday cheer."

And there you go.
I'm assuming you read music.
2, 3, 4...

[ piano plays ]
* holiday time *
* holiday cheer *

Wrapping and having a shout! *
* and when you hear
Ding-a-ling -- that is...

* when I hear ding a-ling *
That's your cue, monte.
When I go, "Ding-a-ling-ling,"

You hit the triangle when I say
That.
* ding-a-ling-ling *

Now...
>> okay.
>> not...

Can you do it?
>> yeah.
>> good! Very good.

>> but can I sing, too?
>> no! No!
You don't sing because you can't

Sing!
If you could sing, then you'd
Sing!

But you can't sing!
I have the million-dollar voice,
And you are a lump.

I'm going to take it from the
Top, if I might.
>> or, you know, we can just

Tell you right now we're not
Gonna use your song, you know.
>> oh, please! I need this.

I need it so bad.
And when the "Ding-a-ling"
>> okay, fine. Fine.

You can do it again.
>> thank you. Thank you so much.
2, 3, 4...

* holiday time *
[ dings ]
What are you doing?!

You moron!
>> I want to sing.
>> you want to sing?

You want to sing?
This is the way you treat me.
I quit. I quit.

Best of luck to your solo
Career.
>> can I sing now?

[ cheers and applause ]
>> sure. You can sing.
You can sing.

[ cheers and applause ]
[ "Wonderful christmastime"
Plays ]

* the mood is right *
* spirit's up *

* we're here tonight *
* and that's enough *
>> * we're simply having a

Wonderful christmastime *
* simply having a wonderful
Christmastime *

>> * the party's on *
* the feeling's here *
* that only comes *

* this time of year *
>> * simply having a wonderful
Christmastime *

* simply having a wonderful
Christmastime *
* a choir of children sing their

Song *

>> * ding-dong *
* ding-dong *

* ding-dong *
* ding *
* ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh *

* ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,
Ooooooh *
* do-do, do-do, do-do-do *

[ guitar solo ]

>> * simply having a wonderful
Christmastime *

* simply having a wonderful
Christmastime *
>> * the word is out *

* about the town *
* so lift your glass *
* oh, don't look down *

* we're simply having a
Wonderful christmastime *
* simply having a wonderful

Christmastime *
* a choir of children sing their
Song *

* they practiced all year long *
>> * ding-dong *
* ding-dong *

* ding-dong *
* ding *
* ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh *

* ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,
Ooooooh *
* do-do, do-do, do-do-do *

>> * the party's on *
* the feeling's here *
* that only comes

Oh, this time of year *
>> * we're simply having a
Wonderful christmastime *

* yeah, simply having a
Wonderful christmastime *
>> * oh *

[ guitar solo ]