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1
00:00:04,338 --> 00:00:06,000
Welcome to the Mayor's office.
2
00:00:06,106 --> 00:00:07,484
You're just in time
to meet everyone
3
00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:09,636
before we head home
to our loving families.
4
00:00:09,776 --> 00:00:12,336
Plus, my mom's new
boyfriend, Blandon.
5
00:00:12,446 --> 00:00:15,211
This guy who's disgusted
by my sandwich is Tommy,
6
00:00:15,315 --> 00:00:16,339
our Chief Strategist.
7
00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:18,817
Why does it smell like
maple syrup plus hospital?
8
00:00:19,486 --> 00:00:21,318
And this woman over
here who's dressed like
9
00:00:21,388 --> 00:00:23,789
she's gonna teach us about
jungle birds at Busch Gardens
10
00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:26,019
is our Deputy Mayor, Arpi.
11
00:00:26,126 --> 00:00:27,685
I don't high-five anymore.
12
00:00:27,794 --> 00:00:29,888
It appropriates pimp culture.
13
00:00:30,464 --> 00:00:33,525
In that office is Chief
of Staff, Mikaela,
14
00:00:33,634 --> 00:00:35,865
up to some important
city biz no doubt.
15
00:00:35,969 --> 00:00:38,803
I just feel like there is
a lack of transparency
16
00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:40,670
over how transparent
your leggings are.
17
00:00:40,741 --> 00:00:42,539
Ooh!
18
00:00:42,643 --> 00:00:44,305
And this delicious silver fox
19
00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:45,869
is the main man himself,
20
00:00:45,979 --> 00:00:47,641
Mayor Neil Bremer.
21
00:00:47,714 --> 00:00:49,649
It's the most wonderful
time of the year, sir.
22
00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:51,685
Oh, for me that's
the Buick classic.
23
00:00:51,752 --> 00:00:53,880
But this is pretty good, too.
24
00:00:53,987 --> 00:00:54,987
And who am I?
25
00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:57,149
Well, I'm just
little old Jayden,
26
00:00:57,224 --> 00:00:59,659
and I make the sweet
filling for the Mayor's piehole.
27
00:01:00,761 --> 00:01:02,593
I'm his Communications Director.
28
00:01:02,696 --> 00:01:04,255
Seems like a real fun ensemble.
29
00:01:04,364 --> 00:01:05,364
Where do you want this?
30
00:01:05,432 --> 00:01:07,901
Happy holidays from L.A.!
31
00:01:17,010 --> 00:01:19,070
So do you think this'll
be a half-day or what?
32
00:01:19,179 --> 00:01:20,670
Oh, of course, I
mean, it's bad enough
33
00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:22,425
the Mayor made us come
in on L.A. Christmas Eve.
34
00:01:22,449 --> 00:01:24,350
Christmas Eve? It's the 22nd.
35
00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:26,853
Yeah, exactly, it's the three to
seven days before Christmas
36
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,082
when everyone leaves to go
celebrate someplace human.
37
00:01:29,189 --> 00:01:31,249
What? L.A.
Christmas is the best.
38
00:01:31,358 --> 00:01:34,021
Everyone's all bundled
up in light sweaters
39
00:01:34,094 --> 00:01:36,689
sitting on sexy Santa's
lap at the Beverly Center.
40
00:01:36,763 --> 00:01:37,958
No, thank you.
41
00:01:38,065 --> 00:01:40,109
Hey, if my flight's at 4:00,
when should I leave for LAX?
42
00:01:40,133 --> 00:01:41,226
Do you have TSA PreCheck?
43
00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:43,703
Oh, honey, you're
gonna die here.
44
00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:45,682
But if I miss that flight,
I have no backup plan.
45
00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:46,969
Please, hot Filipino Jesus,
46
00:01:47,074 --> 00:01:48,585
don't let me spend
Christmas in Los Angeles.
47
00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:50,942
Hey, look, I know
this isn't the first place
48
00:01:51,044 --> 00:01:52,922
that everyone thinks of
when they think Christmas,
49
00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:56,781
but it's because L.A. doesn't
have a good Christmas song,
50
00:01:56,883 --> 00:02:00,285
which is why I have been
working on one for 15 years.
51
00:02:00,387 --> 00:02:02,117
It's halfway done.
52
00:02:02,222 --> 00:02:03,266
Oh, you don't have to
sing it. Oh, are you... Okay.
53
00:02:03,290 --> 00:02:05,452
There's no snow in sight
54
00:02:05,559 --> 00:02:07,084
Say the weather folks
55
00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:10,619
And it's hard as a crotch
out in Sherman Oaks
56
00:02:10,731 --> 00:02:12,108
Nuh-uh. Gonna be
a no from me, dawg.
57
00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:13,896
Why are you all still here?
58
00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:15,435
Have we been released?
59
00:02:15,502 --> 00:02:16,993
No, what's the
Mayor waiting for?
60
00:02:17,104 --> 00:02:19,437
Oh, dear God,
this is a disaster.
61
00:02:19,506 --> 00:02:20,940
What?
62
00:02:21,008 --> 00:02:24,069
The gifts I ordered my
staff are delayed in transit.
63
00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:26,272
Why can't people just get
them when they get back?
64
00:02:26,346 --> 00:02:27,678
And think that I'm a chiseler
65
00:02:27,781 --> 00:02:30,273
who bought them
on sale on the 26th?
66
00:02:30,350 --> 00:02:31,409
No, no, no way.
67
00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:33,579
You know, it's really hard
68
00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:35,486
to be a wealthy
person this time of year.
69
00:02:35,589 --> 00:02:36,589
Dad, no.
70
00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:38,683
Everybody expects a gift.
71
00:02:38,792 --> 00:02:42,923
Your staff, your housekeepers,
your masseuse, your pool guy,
72
00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:44,464
the pool guy's son
73
00:02:44,531 --> 00:02:47,126
who's just sort of around
once December starts.
74
00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:49,601
His name is Raphael,
and he's a grout artist.
75
00:02:49,670 --> 00:02:52,606
I know, and I got
him a cashmere beret.
76
00:02:53,140 --> 00:02:55,439
When I was growing up, I
didn't get anything at Christmas.
77
00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:56,670
Because your family's Jewish.
78
00:02:56,777 --> 00:02:58,177
But also poor.
79
00:02:58,278 --> 00:03:01,112
Oh, I spent so much
time and money
80
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:03,673
getting everyone
monogrammed garment bags,
81
00:03:03,784 --> 00:03:04,927
and now they're
not gonna make it.
82
00:03:04,951 --> 00:03:07,182
Monogrammed garment bags?
83
00:03:07,287 --> 00:03:08,846
I'm not getting one, am I?
84
00:03:08,955 --> 00:03:10,667
Hey, sorry to interrupt,
but can either of you
85
00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:12,819
think of a Christmassy word
that rhymes with horchata?
86
00:03:12,893 --> 00:03:14,054
Not now, Jayden.
87
00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:16,187
A little bent, but I'll try it.
88
00:03:16,296 --> 00:03:17,787
Now I gotta get
something else here.
89
00:03:17,864 --> 00:03:19,332
People don't want more things.
90
00:03:19,399 --> 00:03:21,959
An experience is
way more meaningful,
91
00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:24,368
like how we all went to
Vegas for Ceviche's birthday.
92
00:03:24,471 --> 00:03:26,167
Vegas? When was that?
93
00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:30,338
Disney, Dad, better turn
your hearing thing up.
94
00:03:30,410 --> 00:03:31,537
An experience?
95
00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:35,649
You know something?
That's... That's helpful.
96
00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:36,716
Thank you.
97
00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:38,183
No, Spirit Airlines.
98
00:03:38,251 --> 00:03:40,379
The one time I need you
to be trash, you're on time?
99
00:03:40,487 --> 00:03:42,718
Hey, so if you end
up getting stuck here,
100
00:03:42,823 --> 00:03:44,815
you're totally welcome
to pretend to be bi
101
00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:46,469
and say you're my boyfriend
at my parents' house.
102
00:03:46,493 --> 00:03:48,052
What? No. Ugh.
103
00:03:48,161 --> 00:03:49,720
I can't take another
Christmas Eve
104
00:03:49,830 --> 00:03:51,890
where I'm the only
single adult in my family.
105
00:03:51,998 --> 00:03:54,331
I want someone to make
snide comments with
106
00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:55,892
or kiss under the mistletoe,
107
00:03:56,002 --> 00:03:58,733
our breath rich with
Andes mints and ham.
108
00:03:58,839 --> 00:04:01,206
Sorry, but I'm
catching my flight to PA,
109
00:04:01,274 --> 00:04:03,252
and then I'm going to the
Wawa where Mare of Easttown
110
00:04:03,276 --> 00:04:04,676
and my cousin Nico were shot.
111
00:04:10,217 --> 00:04:11,378
Oh, great.
112
00:04:11,451 --> 00:04:13,283
Now this dill weed.
113
00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:16,014
Patrick, City
Council's videographer.
114
00:04:16,890 --> 00:04:18,859
Okay, tension.
115
00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:21,087
Of course, I'm tense.
That guy's the worst.
116
00:04:21,194 --> 00:04:22,389
Really?
117
00:04:22,462 --> 00:04:23,840
He's giving me
sad Pa Ingalls vibes,
118
00:04:23,864 --> 00:04:25,230
like after Mary goes blind.
119
00:04:25,298 --> 00:04:26,298
I'm into it.
120
00:04:26,399 --> 00:04:28,391
There's definitely an
energy between you.
121
00:04:28,468 --> 00:04:30,266
Like, you're the
two hottest people
122
00:04:30,370 --> 00:04:31,581
at a Rite Aid, and you know it.
123
00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:34,803
No, man, he's always
been rude to me.
124
00:04:34,908 --> 00:04:36,900
The day I got sworn
into City Council,
125
00:04:36,977 --> 00:04:38,536
I asked him for a
copy of the video,
126
00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:39,944
and he told me he lost it.
127
00:04:40,046 --> 00:04:43,915
And this is back when the
tapes were, like, this big. Liar.
128
00:04:43,984 --> 00:04:45,543
Hey, does anyone
have a festive rhyme
129
00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:46,780
for "Pink's Hot Dogs"?
130
00:04:46,887 --> 00:04:47,946
Twink's eggnogs.
131
00:04:48,054 --> 00:04:49,113
I am telling you, Arpi,
132
00:04:49,222 --> 00:04:51,817
this is the holiday
romance that we all need,
133
00:04:51,925 --> 00:04:53,223
and I am gonna prove it to you.
134
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,625
Stop pointing at him.
135
00:04:54,728 --> 00:04:56,788
Ms. Shaw, Department of
Transportation on line one.
136
00:04:56,897 --> 00:04:57,921
Oh, great, thanks.
137
00:04:57,998 --> 00:05:00,126
Maybe they wanna French
me in my childhood bedroom.
138
00:05:00,233 --> 00:05:02,668
Everybody, I have an
announcement to make.
139
00:05:03,737 --> 00:05:05,569
My personal gifts for you
140
00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:07,505
will not be arriving in
time for the holidays.
141
00:05:08,175 --> 00:05:13,079
So stick around because
I have a new gift coming,
142
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:14,512
an experience.
143
00:05:15,182 --> 00:05:17,617
Sir, a little issue. You
know how people here
144
00:05:17,684 --> 00:05:19,744
dump their trees on the
curb by December 22nd
145
00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:21,931
because everyone leaves
because L.A. Christmas is the worst?
146
00:05:21,955 --> 00:05:22,955
Yeah, no kidding.
147
00:05:23,023 --> 00:05:24,821
Um, well, apparently
the Santa Ana winds
148
00:05:24,925 --> 00:05:26,655
are blowing the
discarded trees onto roads
149
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:29,161
and causing some pretty
severe traffic problems.
150
00:05:29,262 --> 00:05:32,664
Aha! See, that's what
messed up my garment bags.
151
00:05:32,766 --> 00:05:34,792
Oh no, we're getting
garment bags?
152
00:05:34,868 --> 00:05:37,360
Disgusting! You know
how many Angelenos
153
00:05:37,470 --> 00:05:39,098
can't even afford
a Christmas tree
154
00:05:39,172 --> 00:05:41,641
while rich scum just
throw them away.
155
00:05:41,708 --> 00:05:42,937
Okay, well, you know,
156
00:05:43,009 --> 00:05:46,002
some rich scum
are doing their best.
157
00:05:46,513 --> 00:05:48,141
Tommy, call sanitation,
158
00:05:48,215 --> 00:05:49,843
handle this before
you leave, please.
159
00:05:53,386 --> 00:05:55,514
Excuse me, Tommy Tomas
from the Mayor's office.
160
00:05:55,622 --> 00:05:56,833
I couldn't find anyone upstairs.
161
00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:58,434
Well, yeah, 'cause all the
bosses are gone already.
162
00:05:58,458 --> 00:05:59,721
Well, Cesar.
163
00:06:00,327 --> 00:06:02,125
Oh, good job
reading my name tag.
164
00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:03,629
We need teams dispatched ASAP
165
00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:05,007
to remove discarded
Christmas trees.
166
00:06:05,031 --> 00:06:06,522
Yo, I saw that on the news.
167
00:06:06,633 --> 00:06:08,397
Cars were bonking
like Mario Kart.
168
00:06:08,501 --> 00:06:10,046
We can get some guys
out, but we're gonna need
169
00:06:10,070 --> 00:06:12,198
quadruple overtime for
working on Christmas.
170
00:06:12,305 --> 00:06:13,466
But it's the 22nd.
171
00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:15,031
Yeah, which is
L.A. Christmas Eve.
172
00:06:15,508 --> 00:06:16,976
All my best guys
are gone already.
173
00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:19,512
They're in Tulum,
Kauai, Jackson Hole.
174
00:06:19,579 --> 00:06:20,790
Boy, you guys make more than me.
175
00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:22,043
I'm down to my skeleton crew,
176
00:06:22,148 --> 00:06:24,148
which is what I call my
guys with the weakest arms.
177
00:06:25,252 --> 00:06:26,252
Oh.
178
00:06:26,353 --> 00:06:27,396
If you want the big boys back,
179
00:06:27,420 --> 00:06:28,683
we're gonna need that quad.
180
00:06:28,755 --> 00:06:31,190
No, I can't authorize quad.
181
00:06:33,159 --> 00:06:34,559
Sir, the Mayor is not asking.
182
00:06:34,661 --> 00:06:36,653
He's telling you
to do your jobs.
183
00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:40,009
And what am I supposed to do
with all those Christmas trees?
184
00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:42,093
I don't care where you put them.
185
00:06:42,202 --> 00:06:43,202
Just put them.
186
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:49,408
I knew it.
187
00:06:49,509 --> 00:06:50,875
What? It's just work.
188
00:06:50,944 --> 00:06:52,003
No, it's not.
189
00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:54,673
All your footage is of Arpi.
190
00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:56,944
This is the Keira Knightley
story in Love Actually,
191
00:06:57,050 --> 00:06:58,882
the greatest Christmas
rom-com ever.
192
00:06:58,952 --> 00:07:00,079
No, it's Elf.
193
00:07:00,186 --> 00:07:02,417
I told Arpi, I saw the
way you looked at her.
194
00:07:02,522 --> 00:07:03,546
I knew it was love.
195
00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:06,084
Arpi knows who I am?
196
00:07:06,192 --> 00:07:08,752
Hey, you can't just sit
here pining after her.
197
00:07:08,862 --> 00:07:10,956
Do something. Learn Portuguese.
198
00:07:11,064 --> 00:07:12,088
What?
199
00:07:12,198 --> 00:07:13,723
I don't know. Colin
Firth does that.
200
00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:15,029
I'm just excited.
201
00:07:17,070 --> 00:07:20,632
Whoa, my pine-scented
candle is getting it done.
202
00:07:21,374 --> 00:07:23,570
Oh, wait, no, it's all
those Christmas trees.
203
00:07:23,643 --> 00:07:25,134
What the hell is this?
204
00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:26,611
Is it Christmas magic?
205
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:29,748
Wait, has anyone run into
a mysterious new janitor
206
00:07:29,816 --> 00:07:30,976
that may or may not be Santa?
207
00:07:31,551 --> 00:07:32,917
Oh, come on, Sanitation.
208
00:07:32,986 --> 00:07:34,454
You're dumping the trees here?
209
00:07:34,554 --> 00:07:37,786
Hey, tell your boss, this is
like a baby saying curse words,
210
00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:39,325
not cute, not funny.
211
00:07:39,726 --> 00:07:41,627
He's gonna disagree
with you on that reference.
212
00:07:46,566 --> 00:07:48,398
Every Christmas,
the office empties out,
213
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:49,959
and I get real work done.
214
00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:51,800
When are you letting
these turkeys go home?
215
00:07:51,905 --> 00:07:54,670
As soon as I dazzle
everyone with my generosity.
216
00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,141
Do you like this time of year?
217
00:07:57,243 --> 00:07:59,508
Part of it, pfeffernusse,
218
00:08:00,113 --> 00:08:02,605
that Mariah Carey
song, Touch My Body.
219
00:08:02,682 --> 00:08:04,583
It really stresses me out.
220
00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:07,143
I feel like I'm never
doing enough.
221
00:08:07,253 --> 00:08:09,848
That's because you've bought
into the consumer's perversion
222
00:08:09,956 --> 00:08:11,117
of the Christian rip-off
223
00:08:11,191 --> 00:08:12,819
of a pagan solstice celebration.
224
00:08:12,926 --> 00:08:14,326
Okay, road closed, withdrawn.
225
00:08:14,761 --> 00:08:16,821
Arpi, a Christmas
miracle is happening.
226
00:08:16,930 --> 00:08:20,628
The footage, Patrick's
footage. It's all you.
227
00:08:20,700 --> 00:08:22,328
He's, like, obsessed with you.
228
00:08:22,435 --> 00:08:23,459
I'll call security.
229
00:08:23,536 --> 00:08:25,027
No, no, Arpi, don't you get it?
230
00:08:25,372 --> 00:08:26,931
You're in a Christmas rom-com.
231
00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:29,668
What's Christmas got
to do with romance?
232
00:08:29,776 --> 00:08:31,210
There's nothing romantic
233
00:08:31,311 --> 00:08:33,610
about pushing out a
baby in a donkey stall.
234
00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:35,649
All I've ever wanted my
whole post-puberty life
235
00:08:35,715 --> 00:08:36,955
was to be in love at Christmas.
236
00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:39,350
And if we are in
a Love Actually,
237
00:08:39,452 --> 00:08:41,011
I'm, like, lucky
if I'm the woman
238
00:08:41,121 --> 00:08:42,698
trying to steal Snape
from Emma Thompson.
239
00:08:42,722 --> 00:08:43,722
I have nothing, Arpi.
240
00:08:43,823 --> 00:08:45,143
I need you to
take this seriously.
241
00:08:45,392 --> 00:08:47,327
Patrick is in love with you,
242
00:08:47,394 --> 00:08:49,034
and now you get to
do what Keira Knightley
243
00:08:49,062 --> 00:08:50,553
couldn't pull off
back in the day.
244
00:08:50,663 --> 00:08:52,859
And I don't mean low-rise
jeans with a bralette.
245
00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:55,231
I just want the office
to myself so I can work,
246
00:08:55,335 --> 00:08:57,634
and now I'm dealing with
this moon-eyed nonsense?
247
00:08:57,704 --> 00:09:00,230
Yes, yes, a million times. Yes.
248
00:09:01,741 --> 00:09:03,505
Whoa, hey, stop!
249
00:09:03,576 --> 00:09:05,374
What... Why are you doing this?
250
00:09:05,478 --> 00:09:07,640
Hey, you told me
you didn't "care"
251
00:09:07,714 --> 00:09:09,342
where we put the trees, so...
252
00:09:09,416 --> 00:09:11,851
Come on, man. We're
in the same boat here.
253
00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:16,055
Look, I will figure out how
to get you double overtime.
254
00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:17,389
Deal?
255
00:09:18,191 --> 00:09:22,060
All right, deal, my
new friend, Tommy.
256
00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:24,028
Glad to hear it,
my new friend...
257
00:09:25,598 --> 00:09:27,430
Oh, God, what's his name?
258
00:09:27,534 --> 00:09:29,162
I know it's a kind of salad.
259
00:09:29,235 --> 00:09:30,235
Caprese.
260
00:09:32,105 --> 00:09:34,700
Caprese, what the hell?
261
00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:36,575
And I remembered his name.
262
00:09:36,676 --> 00:09:37,769
Not cool.
263
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,374
Hey, everyone,
gather around please,
264
00:09:42,449 --> 00:09:44,418
and prepare yourself
265
00:09:44,517 --> 00:09:46,713
for the mind-blowing mentalism
266
00:09:46,786 --> 00:09:49,346
of Mr. Taryn Digiacomo.
267
00:09:50,723 --> 00:09:51,850
Ha!
268
00:09:51,958 --> 00:09:54,120
Okay, now you may
have seen Taryn's
269
00:09:54,227 --> 00:09:56,093
incredible streaming special,
270
00:09:56,196 --> 00:09:58,927
Mind Jacker: Wondermind,
271
00:09:59,032 --> 00:10:00,193
or if you were like me,
272
00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:02,895
you had the privilege
of seeing him work
273
00:10:02,969 --> 00:10:05,438
up close and personal
274
00:10:05,538 --> 00:10:08,030
at, uh, Eric Schmidt's
60th birthday party.
275
00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:09,406
Why would I have been there?
276
00:10:09,476 --> 00:10:11,069
Linda, I don't know your life.
277
00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:13,909
Anyway, I was able
to book him last minute
278
00:10:13,980 --> 00:10:15,608
to perform for us today.
279
00:10:15,715 --> 00:10:19,277
It's... Well, it's
my gift to you.
280
00:10:19,752 --> 00:10:23,211
And you'll still be getting the
monogrammed garment bags
281
00:10:23,289 --> 00:10:24,621
sometime in the new year.
282
00:10:24,724 --> 00:10:26,659
Monogrammed?
I can't re-gift that.
283
00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:31,054
The heart is a muscle.
The brain is a muscle.
284
00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:32,224
Not true.
285
00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:34,324
The more I use my heart,
286
00:10:34,434 --> 00:10:36,733
the more my brain
can know about you.
287
00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:39,830
You, sir, how many
meals have you had today?
288
00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:41,974
One.
289
00:10:42,075 --> 00:10:44,738
And how many
wings do birds have?
290
00:10:44,811 --> 00:10:45,811
Nine.
291
00:10:47,113 --> 00:10:48,809
And how old would you say I am?
292
00:10:48,915 --> 00:10:50,577
Oh, that feels like a trap.
293
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:54,610
Hmm, is this the address
of your childhood home?
294
00:10:54,687 --> 00:10:57,521
Yes, can I get on a plane
and go there now, please?
295
00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:06,191
"You should have gotten
TSA PreCheck." Ha!
296
00:11:06,299 --> 00:11:09,326
You see, it's magic,
but it's also funny.
297
00:11:09,435 --> 00:11:10,435
All right, just leave.
298
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:12,028
You, sir, what is your name?
299
00:11:12,138 --> 00:11:13,629
Guess. Um.
300
00:11:15,041 --> 00:11:17,169
Well, you're too
old to be a Jayden.
301
00:11:17,277 --> 00:11:19,212
Oh, my gosh, you're
exactly right. I am.
302
00:11:19,312 --> 00:11:21,008
This guy is the
real deal, folks.
303
00:11:21,114 --> 00:11:22,791
Also, your heart didn't
beat that entire time.
304
00:11:22,815 --> 00:11:24,215
I'd get that checked
out. Thank you.
305
00:11:24,317 --> 00:11:25,478
Oh.
306
00:11:26,319 --> 00:11:28,185
"Because it's L.A. Christmas,
307
00:11:28,288 --> 00:11:30,223
"and at Christmas
you tell the truth."
308
00:11:30,323 --> 00:11:32,053
What? That's not a thing.
309
00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:35,495
"I have loved you from afar,
310
00:11:35,562 --> 00:11:38,293
"but you always felt so close
311
00:11:39,732 --> 00:11:41,860
"because of my zoom lens."
312
00:11:41,968 --> 00:11:42,968
Oh, brudder.
313
00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:45,198
No, this happens to Keira
Knightley in the movie.
314
00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:47,968
The guy holds signs
at close range like this?
315
00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:49,839
So her husband won't hear, yes.
316
00:11:49,909 --> 00:11:51,377
Why doesn't he
need just whisper?
317
00:11:51,477 --> 00:11:53,309
Why risk getting caught
318
00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:55,314
holding a stack of
incriminating signs?
319
00:11:55,381 --> 00:11:56,747
Hey, guys, quiet.
320
00:11:56,849 --> 00:11:59,182
He's about to guess
Orly's favorite restaurant?
321
00:12:00,486 --> 00:12:03,684
Is it Matsuhisa Aspen?
322
00:12:03,756 --> 00:12:06,351
Yeah, but isn't that
everyone's favorite restaurant?
323
00:12:06,426 --> 00:12:08,224
Sorry, I hear it.
324
00:12:15,335 --> 00:12:16,667
Damn you, Cobb.
325
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:19,865
I'm getting corn, or masa.
326
00:12:19,939 --> 00:12:21,874
Look at your phone.
327
00:12:21,941 --> 00:12:24,069
She just got a text.
Right when he said that.
328
00:12:24,177 --> 00:12:26,908
It's my grandchildren
making tamales.
329
00:12:27,013 --> 00:12:29,073
Usually, I'm there
by now. Can I go?
330
00:12:29,182 --> 00:12:31,117
Yeah, once the sad
guy says things to us,
331
00:12:31,217 --> 00:12:32,241
are we allowed to go?
332
00:12:32,352 --> 00:12:34,048
No, because he
does a really cool thing
333
00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:35,588
with everyone at the end
334
00:12:35,688 --> 00:12:37,248
that's gonna make
us all feel connected.
335
00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:38,552
Taryn, what's next, buddy?
336
00:12:38,625 --> 00:12:40,253
Intermission.
337
00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:42,761
Uh, do you have to
take the intermission?
338
00:12:42,862 --> 00:12:46,026
Uh, for reasons I
can't go into, yes.
339
00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:53,034
Hello, Taryn.
340
00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:54,574
Oh, I'm kind of on a break now.
341
00:12:54,641 --> 00:12:57,110
Okay, well, you're not
a very good mentalist.
342
00:12:57,210 --> 00:12:58,803
You don't remember
that we matched
343
00:12:58,911 --> 00:13:00,470
a couple years ago on Bumble,
344
00:13:00,580 --> 00:13:02,378
and then you never answered.
345
00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:03,472
Uh-huh.
346
00:13:03,583 --> 00:13:05,074
Well, here's another chance.
347
00:13:05,151 --> 00:13:06,915
My family does this
Christmas thing...
348
00:13:06,986 --> 00:13:08,386
Oh, I'm sorry.
349
00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:10,286
I met someone on there,
and we're married now.
350
00:13:10,390 --> 00:13:12,222
She's a retired ballerina.
351
00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:14,386
Her breasts got too
large to continue dancing.
352
00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:18,227
Oh, well, good for
you. Best wishes.
353
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,664
Um, one more thing.
354
00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:24,734
Um, will I find love
in the coming year?
355
00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:28,771
I'm not a psychic.
I'm a mentalist.
356
00:13:28,841 --> 00:13:31,140
But just like, as a person,
357
00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:34,737
I will say you
vibrate desperation.
358
00:13:35,081 --> 00:13:38,108
Oh, thank you for your feedback.
359
00:13:39,352 --> 00:13:40,843
Happy holidays. Mmhmm.
360
00:13:46,025 --> 00:13:48,790
Mikaela, wait. You were right.
361
00:13:48,861 --> 00:13:50,796
I'm gonna go for it with Patrick
362
00:13:50,863 --> 00:13:52,422
because love is possible.
363
00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:55,161
Arpi, yes, yes, run to him!
364
00:13:55,268 --> 00:13:58,864
Run as fast as your
bone density allows.
365
00:14:01,207 --> 00:14:02,698
Why are you being so mean to me?
366
00:14:02,809 --> 00:14:03,849
I thought we were friends.
367
00:14:03,943 --> 00:14:05,138
Me too, bro.
368
00:14:05,211 --> 00:14:06,543
And you didn't
even know my name.
369
00:14:07,013 --> 00:14:08,140
Now you're gonna know it.
370
00:14:08,548 --> 00:14:10,642
'Cause it's spelled out
on your car in pine sap.
371
00:14:14,620 --> 00:14:16,282
Well, I just missed my flight.
372
00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:17,517
I hope you're happy.
373
00:14:17,623 --> 00:14:19,819
All I wanted to do was
get home to my Lola,
374
00:14:19,892 --> 00:14:21,224
sit on her
plastic-covered couch,
375
00:14:21,327 --> 00:14:23,125
and eat bebinca together,
376
00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:24,391
and this was my last chance.
377
00:14:25,331 --> 00:14:27,376
She's not dying, I just plan
on doing keto in the new year.
378
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:29,198
Nah, nah, nah. I'm the
mean character here.
379
00:14:29,302 --> 00:14:31,328
Okay, I hate Christmas time
380
00:14:31,404 --> 00:14:32,872
because in this
time of "giving,"
381
00:14:32,972 --> 00:14:34,372
nobody ever thinks about us.
382
00:14:34,474 --> 00:14:35,567
We're invisible elves.
383
00:14:35,675 --> 00:14:37,974
Just one day, one day,
I'd like to feel like Santa.
384
00:14:38,644 --> 00:14:41,478
Yeah, well, I might have an idea
385
00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:43,058
that would make being
in L.A. for Christmas
386
00:14:43,082 --> 00:14:45,176
slightly less than terrible
and let you be Santa.
387
00:14:48,054 --> 00:14:50,580
Patrick, wait!
388
00:14:51,824 --> 00:14:53,486
There's a woman
watching us right now
389
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:56,055
from that building behind us.
390
00:14:56,162 --> 00:14:59,030
That woman thinks everything
you did today was romantic
391
00:14:59,098 --> 00:15:01,533
because she's been brainwashed
by some British people.
392
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:04,894
What you did today is
not romantic, it's weird.
393
00:15:05,004 --> 00:15:08,406
And Love Actually sounds
like a deeply problematic movie.
394
00:15:08,508 --> 00:15:10,204
One of the stories
is Bilbo Baggins
395
00:15:10,276 --> 00:15:12,677
shooting a porno on Christmas.
396
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:15,271
But, Arpi, I just
wanna film you forever.
397
00:15:16,949 --> 00:15:18,417
Listen to yourself, man.
398
00:15:19,051 --> 00:15:21,213
Look, I hate all of this,
399
00:15:21,287 --> 00:15:22,865
but I care deeply about
my friend up there,
400
00:15:22,889 --> 00:15:26,121
and I want her to believe that
love actually exists actually,
401
00:15:27,460 --> 00:15:28,519
so this is for her.
402
00:15:34,867 --> 00:15:37,860
Now, I'm gonna whisper a list
403
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:41,305
of free mental health resources
available through city funding
404
00:15:42,241 --> 00:15:44,073
because you need serious help.
405
00:15:46,245 --> 00:15:47,577
I don't really work here.
406
00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:53,119
Leslie, eyes on Taryn.
407
00:15:53,386 --> 00:15:55,548
Okay, listen. Tough
love right now.
408
00:15:55,621 --> 00:15:56,953
Dad, you're bad at gifts.
409
00:15:57,557 --> 00:15:58,581
What?
410
00:15:58,658 --> 00:16:00,786
What about that beautiful
candelabra I got you?
411
00:16:00,893 --> 00:16:03,089
I was nine and not Liberace.
412
00:16:03,162 --> 00:16:04,790
And don't bring
up the dollhouse.
413
00:16:04,897 --> 00:16:06,041
I mean, you said
I couldn't touch it
414
00:16:06,065 --> 00:16:07,065
because it was an antique
415
00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:08,761
that had belonged
to French royalty.
416
00:16:08,835 --> 00:16:10,633
Because it did.
And you shouldn't.
417
00:16:10,736 --> 00:16:11,736
You're super generous,
418
00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:13,136
but Christmas makes you weird.
419
00:16:13,239 --> 00:16:15,071
Just let all these
people go home.
420
00:16:16,075 --> 00:16:20,308
The queen of diamonds
is in your mouth, sir.
421
00:16:23,015 --> 00:16:25,917
Uh... Oh, hey. All
right, there, Taryn.
422
00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:28,454
Thank you so much.
That'll be enough.
423
00:16:29,288 --> 00:16:32,816
All right, everybody,
uh, go on home.
424
00:16:35,428 --> 00:16:36,760
But you know what?
425
00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:39,162
You all are ungrateful.
426
00:16:39,265 --> 00:16:41,666
Do you have any idea
how much time I spent
427
00:16:41,767 --> 00:16:44,601
picking the monogram
font on those garment bags?
428
00:16:44,670 --> 00:16:48,107
I found out all of
your middle names!
429
00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:50,837
Yeah, Anna, Anna, Eduardo,
430
00:16:50,943 --> 00:16:52,639
Anna, Moon-system.
431
00:16:52,712 --> 00:16:54,613
But you don't appreciate that!
432
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:58,173
And yes, it stinks to
be poor at Christmas.
433
00:16:58,284 --> 00:16:59,980
No one wants to hear this,
434
00:17:00,052 --> 00:17:02,317
but it really stinks
for millionaires.
435
00:17:02,388 --> 00:17:04,357
Okay, thanks for
watching. It does.
436
00:17:04,457 --> 00:17:06,517
Don't forget to
smash that like button.
437
00:17:06,626 --> 00:17:08,822
Tell you what? Go on, go home.
438
00:17:08,895 --> 00:17:10,215
Seriously, go on.
Get out of here.
439
00:17:10,296 --> 00:17:12,561
Take these stupid
trees with you.
440
00:17:18,304 --> 00:17:19,504
Not me, I don't do fire stuff.
441
00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:22,302
My words, my beautiful words!
442
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:23,399
Oh, no.
443
00:17:23,509 --> 00:17:25,239
My song is gone, and
I never got to sing it.
444
00:17:25,511 --> 00:17:27,673
Jayden, I... I am so sorry.
445
00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:30,406
You've made a fool out of me.
446
00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:33,747
And you've made the
life I lead foolish, too.
447
00:17:35,521 --> 00:17:37,251
Emma Thompson.
448
00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:43,823
I told you, love
is all around us.
449
00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:45,228
You were right...
450
00:17:45,331 --> 00:17:47,527
and now Patrick
and I are lovers.
451
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:48,863
Thanks.
452
00:17:48,935 --> 00:17:50,836
Hey, Arpi, can I talk
to you for a minute?
453
00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:54,704
I feel like I've ruined
everyone's Christmas.
454
00:17:54,774 --> 00:17:56,675
Yes, sir. What's your question?
455
00:17:56,742 --> 00:17:59,075
Why am I so terrible at this?
456
00:17:59,178 --> 00:18:01,272
Every year I go all out.
457
00:18:01,380 --> 00:18:02,848
I try to dazzle people.
458
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:04,747
Well, there it is.
459
00:18:04,850 --> 00:18:06,045
You're trying to show off,
460
00:18:06,118 --> 00:18:09,054
instead of thinking about
what people really want.
461
00:18:09,121 --> 00:18:10,680
You know what I
just gave Mikaela?
462
00:18:10,756 --> 00:18:14,090
I kissed a weirdo because
that's what she needed.
463
00:18:14,193 --> 00:18:18,130
Giving a good gift isn't
about what you want.
464
00:18:18,564 --> 00:18:20,226
It's about what
the recipient wants.
465
00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:22,794
Of course.
466
00:18:22,902 --> 00:18:24,928
Oh, my God, it's like sex.
467
00:18:25,037 --> 00:18:27,563
Why haven't I ever
connected this before?
468
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:29,939
Probably because it's
mostly a holiday for children.
469
00:18:30,042 --> 00:18:32,375
No, but I get
it. I really get it.
470
00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:34,414
Hey, everyone, hey, listen up.
471
00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:37,973
I am sorry that I
made today about me
472
00:18:38,084 --> 00:18:40,781
instead of about your pleasure.
473
00:18:40,886 --> 00:18:43,253
Oh, gross, sir, but
we all forgive you.
474
00:18:43,322 --> 00:18:46,383
Thanks, Tommy.
Uh, yeah, not Jayden.
475
00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:49,156
I destroyed his Christmas song.
476
00:18:49,261 --> 00:18:51,594
No amount of money
is gonna bring that back.
477
00:18:51,664 --> 00:18:53,565
Wait, can you call
Taryn Digiacomo?
478
00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:54,726
I mean, maybe he can...
479
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,599
Use his mental powers
to guess the lost lyrics?
480
00:18:57,670 --> 00:18:59,901
Yes, I'm still here
481
00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:01,883
because my Lyft canceled
because traffic's a mess.
482
00:19:01,907 --> 00:19:03,603
Flag on the play.
No one goes home.
483
00:19:04,176 --> 00:19:06,236
Damn it! Man.
484
00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:07,944
Hey, can you do that?
485
00:19:08,014 --> 00:19:09,983
Can you mentalize
Jayden's song back?
486
00:19:10,082 --> 00:19:13,780
Again, I'm not a psychic.
I just read body language.
487
00:19:14,353 --> 00:19:16,298
Okay, some of what I do
involves hiding microphones
488
00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:17,733
in bathrooms, but I
did not do that here
489
00:19:17,757 --> 00:19:18,834
because it was too short notice.
490
00:19:18,858 --> 00:19:20,451
How are you married and I'm not?
491
00:19:20,526 --> 00:19:23,519
What I do do is thin-slice
people by asking questions.
492
00:19:23,629 --> 00:19:25,791
For example, if the guy
was here, I would ask,
493
00:19:25,865 --> 00:19:27,663
"Jayden, what's
your favorite color?"
494
00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:29,326
Yellow. 'Cause minions.
495
00:19:29,435 --> 00:19:32,667
Jayden, what's a three-digit
number that's important to you?
496
00:19:32,772 --> 00:19:34,001
Seven, eight, nine.
497
00:19:34,106 --> 00:19:35,540
It's why six is afraid of seven.
498
00:19:36,475 --> 00:19:40,173
Boy, we know that kid
really well, don't we? Ha!
499
00:19:40,279 --> 00:19:41,941
You know what?
Maybe I can do this.
500
00:19:42,548 --> 00:19:44,710
Maybe Taryn Digiacomo
can finally prove
501
00:19:44,817 --> 00:19:47,343
to his father that
mentalism is a valued...
502
00:19:47,453 --> 00:19:49,012
Taryn, you're not
the main character.
503
00:19:49,121 --> 00:19:50,612
Orly, get some paper.
504
00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:55,624
Stop prank knocking!
505
00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:57,163
I know you're retired,
506
00:19:57,229 --> 00:20:00,290
but you have to find a
new hobby, Mrs. Chen!
507
00:20:00,366 --> 00:20:03,495
Jayden, we've got
something for you.
508
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:08,197
There's no snow in sight
say the weather folks
509
00:20:08,307 --> 00:20:12,506
It's still hot as a crotch
out in Sherman Oaks
510
00:20:12,578 --> 00:20:17,073
But the fires have died and
there's a little less smoke
511
00:20:17,183 --> 00:20:21,018
Now it's Christmas in L.A.
512
00:20:21,087 --> 00:20:25,491
There's no Jack Frost
nipping your redone nose
513
00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:29,586
But no one will ask why
your forehead's froze
514
00:20:29,695 --> 00:20:33,530
And that filler sure makes
your cheekbones glow
515
00:20:33,599 --> 00:20:36,228
Yes, it's Christmas in L.A.
516
00:20:36,335 --> 00:20:37,735
In L.A.
517
00:20:37,837 --> 00:20:41,706
There's a fistfight at
the Trader Joe's on Vine
518
00:20:41,774 --> 00:20:46,007
And a pileup on the ten
519
00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:50,379
They found a human
head by the Hollywood sign
520
00:20:50,449 --> 00:20:53,214
It's Christmas Eve again
521
00:20:53,285 --> 00:20:55,220
Eve again
522
00:20:58,457 --> 00:20:59,584
Is that your song?
523
00:20:59,692 --> 00:21:02,389
No, but I loved
every word of it.
524
00:21:05,798 --> 00:21:09,758
We may not have ice
skates or sleds that soar
525
00:21:09,869 --> 00:21:13,704
But we've got horchata
and Pauly Shore
526
00:21:13,773 --> 00:21:15,901
Grab a Pink's hot dog
527
00:21:15,975 --> 00:21:21,778
Drink a twink's eggnog,
for its Christmastime L.A.
528
00:21:21,881 --> 00:21:26,080
It may not be the
ushe, but if I can choose
529
00:21:26,152 --> 00:21:32,217
I'd still spend my
Christmas here with you
530
00:21:34,827 --> 00:21:36,659
It's ashing!
39174
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