Original subtitles

Welcome to the Mayor's office.

You're just in time to meet everyone

before we head home to our loving families.

Plus, my mom's new boyfriend, Blandon.

This guy who's disgusted by my sandwich is Tommy,

our Chief Strategist.

Why does it smell like maple syrup plus hospital?

And this woman over here who's dressed like

she's gonna teach us about jungle birds at Busch Gardens

is our Deputy Mayor, Arpi.

I don't high-five anymore.

It appropriates pimp culture.

In that office is Chief of Staff, Mikaela,

up to some important city biz no doubt.

I just feel like there is a lack of transparency

over how transparent your leggings are.

Ooh!

And this delicious silver fox

is the main man himself,

Mayor Neil Bremer.

It's the most wonderful time of the year, sir.

Oh, for me that's the Buick classic.

But this is pretty good, too.

And who am I?

Well, I'm just little old Jayden,

and I make the sweet filling for the Mayor's piehole.

I'm his Communications Director.

Seems like a real fun ensemble.

Where do you want this?

Happy holidays from L.A.!

So do you think this'll be a half-day or what?

Oh, of course, I mean, it's bad enough

the Mayor made us come in on L.A. Christmas Eve.

Christmas Eve? It's the 22nd.

Yeah, exactly, it's the three to seven days before Christmas

when everyone leaves to go celebrate someplace human.

What? L.A. Christmas is the best.

Everyone's all bundled up in light sweaters

sitting on sexy Santa's lap at the Beverly Center.

No, thank you.

Hey, if my flight's at 4:00, when should I leave for LAX?

Do you have TSA PreCheck?

Oh, honey, you're gonna die here.

But if I miss that flight, I have no backup plan.

Please, hot Filipino Jesus,

don't let me spend Christmas in Los Angeles.

Hey, look, I know this isn't the first place

that everyone thinks of when they think Christmas,

but it's because L.A. doesn't have a good Christmas song,

which is why I have been working on one for 15 years.

It's halfway done.

Oh, you don't have to sing it. Oh, are you... Okay.

There's no snow in sight

Say the weather folks

And it's hard as a crotch out in Sherman Oaks

Nuh-uh. Gonna be a no from me, dawg.

Why are you all still here?

Have we been released?

No, what's the Mayor waiting for?

Oh, dear God, this is a disaster.

What?

The gifts I ordered my staff are delayed in transit.

Why can't people just get them when they get back?

And think that I'm a chiseler

who bought them on sale on the 26th?

No, no, no way.

You know, it's really hard

to be a wealthy person this time of year.

Dad, no.

Everybody expects a gift.

Your staff, your housekeepers, your masseuse, your pool guy,

the pool guy's son

who's just sort of around once December starts.

His name is Raphael, and he's a grout artist.

I know, and I got him a cashmere beret.

When I was growing up, I didn't get anything at Christmas.

Because your family's Jewish.

But also poor.

Oh, I spent so much time and money

getting everyone monogrammed garment bags,

and now they're not gonna make it.

Monogrammed garment bags?

I'm not getting one, am I?

Hey, sorry to interrupt, but can either of you

think of a Christmassy word that rhymes with horchata?

Not now, Jayden.

A little bent, but I'll try it.

Now I gotta get something else here.

People don't want more things.

An experience is way more meaningful,

like how we all went to Vegas for Ceviche's birthday.

Vegas? When was that?

Disney, Dad, better turn your hearing thing up.

An experience?

You know something? That's... That's helpful.

Thank you.

No, Spirit Airlines.

The one time I need you to be trash, you're on time?

Hey, so if you end up getting stuck here,

you're totally welcome to pretend to be bi

and say you're my boyfriend at my parents' house.

What? No. Ugh.

I can't take another Christmas Eve

where I'm the only single adult in my family.

I want someone to make snide comments with

or kiss under the mistletoe,

our breath rich with Andes mints and ham.

Sorry, but I'm catching my flight to PA,

and then I'm going to the Wawa where Mare of Easttown

and my cousin Nico were shot.

Oh, great.

Now this dill weed.

Patrick, City Council's videographer.

Okay, tension.

Of course, I'm tense. That guy's the worst.

Really?

He's giving me sad Pa Ingalls vibes,

like after Mary goes blind.

I'm into it.

There's definitely an energy between you.

Like, you're the two hottest people

at a Rite Aid, and you know it.

No, man, he's always been rude to me.

The day I got sworn into City Council,

I asked him for a copy of the video,

and he told me he lost it.

And this is back when the tapes were, like, this big. Liar.

Hey, does anyone have a festive rhyme

for "Pink's Hot Dogs"?

Twink's eggnogs.

I am telling you, Arpi,

this is the holiday romance that we all need,

and I am gonna prove it to you.

Stop pointing at him.

Ms. Shaw, Department of Transportation on line one.

Oh, great, thanks.

Maybe they wanna French me in my childhood bedroom.

Everybody, I have an announcement to make.

My personal gifts for you

will not be arriving in time for the holidays.

So stick around because I have a new gift coming,

an experience.

Sir, a little issue. You know how people here

dump their trees on the curb by December 22nd

because everyone leaves because L.A. Christmas is the worst?

Yeah, no kidding.

Um, well, apparently the Santa Ana winds

are blowing the discarded trees onto roads

and causing some pretty severe traffic problems.

Aha! See, that's what messed up my garment bags.

Oh no, we're getting garment bags?

Disgusting! You know how many Angelenos

can't even afford a Christmas tree

while rich scum just throw them away.

Okay, well, you know,

some rich scum are doing their best.

Tommy, call sanitation,

handle this before you leave, please.

Excuse me, Tommy Tomas from the Mayor's office.

I couldn't find anyone upstairs.

Well, yeah, 'cause all the bosses are gone already.

Well, Cesar.

Oh, good job reading my name tag.

We need teams dispatched ASAP

to remove discarded Christmas trees.

Yo, I saw that on the news.

Cars were bonking like Mario Kart.

We can get some guys out, but we're gonna need

quadruple overtime for working on Christmas.

But it's the 22nd.

Yeah, which is L.A. Christmas Eve.

All my best guys are gone already.

They're in Tulum, Kauai, Jackson Hole.

Boy, you guys make more than me.

I'm down to my skeleton crew,

which is what I call my guys with the weakest arms.

Oh.

If you want the big boys back,

we're gonna need that quad.

No, I can't authorize quad.

Sir, the Mayor is not asking.

He's telling you to do your jobs.

And what am I supposed to do with all those Christmas trees?

I don't care where you put them.

Just put them.

I knew it.

What? It's just work.

No, it's not.

All your footage is of Arpi.

This is the Keira Knightley story in Love Actually,

the greatest Christmas rom-com ever.

No, it's Elf.

I told Arpi, I saw the way you looked at her.

I knew it was love.

Arpi knows who I am?

Hey, you can't just sit here pining after her.

Do something. Learn Portuguese.

What?

I don't know. Colin Firth does that.

I'm just excited.

Whoa, my pine-scented candle is getting it done.

Oh, wait, no, it's all those Christmas trees.

What the hell is this?

Is it Christmas magic?

Wait, has anyone run into a mysterious new janitor

that may or may not be Santa?

Oh, come on, Sanitation.

You're dumping the trees here?

Hey, tell your boss, this is like a baby saying curse words,

not cute, not funny.

He's gonna disagree with you on that reference.

Every Christmas, the office empties out,

and I get real work done.

When are you letting these turkeys go home?

As soon as I dazzle everyone with my generosity.

Do you like this time of year?

Part of it, pfeffernusse,

that Mariah Carey song, Touch My Body.

It really stresses me out.

I feel like I'm never doing enough.

That's because you've bought into the consumer's perversion

of the Christian rip-off

of a pagan solstice celebration.

Okay, road closed, withdrawn.

Arpi, a Christmas miracle is happening.

The footage, Patrick's footage. It's all you.

He's, like, obsessed with you.

I'll call security.

No, no, Arpi, don't you get it?

You're in a Christmas rom-com.

What's Christmas got to do with romance?

There's nothing romantic

about pushing out a baby in a donkey stall.

All I've ever wanted my whole post-puberty life

was to be in love at Christmas.

And if we are in a Love Actually,

I'm, like, lucky if I'm the woman

trying to steal Snape from Emma Thompson.

I have nothing, Arpi.

I need you to take this seriously.

Patrick is in love with you,

and now you get to do what Keira Knightley

couldn't pull off back in the day.

And I don't mean low-rise jeans with a bralette.

I just want the office to myself so I can work,

and now I'm dealing with this moon-eyed nonsense?

Yes, yes, a million times. Yes.

Whoa, hey, stop!

What... Why are you doing this?

Hey, you told me you didn't "care"

where we put the trees, so...

Come on, man. We're in the same boat here.

Look, I will figure out how to get you double overtime.

Deal?

All right, deal, my new friend, Tommy.

Glad to hear it, my new friend...

Oh, God, what's his name?

I know it's a kind of salad.

Caprese.

Caprese, what the hell?

And I remembered his name.

Not cool.

Hey, everyone, gather around please,

and prepare yourself

for the mind-blowing mentalism

of Mr. Taryn Digiacomo.

Ha!

Okay, now you may have seen Taryn's

incredible streaming special,

Mind Jacker: Wondermind,

or if you were like me,

you had the privilege of seeing him work

up close and personal

at, uh, Eric Schmidt's 60th birthday party.

Why would I have been there?

Linda, I don't know your life.

Anyway, I was able to book him last minute

to perform for us today.

It's... Well, it's my gift to you.

And you'll still be getting the monogrammed garment bags

sometime in the new year.

Monogrammed? I can't re-gift that.

The heart is a muscle. The brain is a muscle.

Not true.

The more I use my heart,

the more my brain can know about you.

You, sir, how many meals have you had today?

One.

And how many wings do birds have?

Nine.

And how old would you say I am?

Oh, that feels like a trap.

Hmm, is this the address of your childhood home?

Yes, can I get on a plane and go there now, please?

"You should have gotten TSA PreCheck." Ha!

You see, it's magic, but it's also funny.

All right, just leave.

You, sir, what is your name?

Guess. Um.

Well, you're too old to be a Jayden.

Oh, my gosh, you're exactly right. I am.

This guy is the real deal, folks.

Also, your heart didn't beat that entire time.

I'd get that checked out. Thank you.

Oh.

"Because it's L.A. Christmas,

"and at Christmas you tell the truth."

What? That's not a thing.

"I have loved you from afar,

"but you always felt so close

"because of my zoom lens."

Oh, brudder.

No, this happens to Keira Knightley in the movie.

The guy holds signs at close range like this?

So her husband won't hear, yes.

Why doesn't he need just whisper?

Why risk getting caught

holding a stack of incriminating signs?

Hey, guys, quiet.

He's about to guess Orly's favorite restaurant?

Is it Matsuhisa Aspen?

Yeah, but isn't that everyone's favorite restaurant?

Sorry, I hear it.

Damn you, Cobb.

I'm getting corn, or masa.

Look at your phone.

She just got a text. Right when he said that.

It's my grandchildren making tamales.

Usually, I'm there by now. Can I go?

Yeah, once the sad guy says things to us,

are we allowed to go?

No, because he does a really cool thing

with everyone at the end

that's gonna make us all feel connected.

Taryn, what's next, buddy?

Intermission.

Uh, do you have to take the intermission?

Uh, for reasons I can't go into, yes.

Hello, Taryn.

Oh, I'm kind of on a break now.

Okay, well, you're not a very good mentalist.

You don't remember that we matched

a couple years ago on Bumble,

and then you never answered.

Uh-huh.

Well, here's another chance.

My family does this Christmas thing...

Oh, I'm sorry.

I met someone on there, and we're married now.

She's a retired ballerina.

Her breasts got too large to continue dancing.

Oh, well, good for you. Best wishes.

Um, one more thing.

Um, will I find love in the coming year?

I'm not a psychic. I'm a mentalist.

But just like, as a person,

I will say you vibrate desperation.

Oh, thank you for your feedback.

Happy holidays. Mmhmm.

Mikaela, wait. You were right.

I'm gonna go for it with Patrick

because love is possible.

Arpi, yes, yes, run to him!

Run as fast as your bone density allows.

Why are you being so mean to me?

I thought we were friends.

Me too, bro.

And you didn't even know my name.

Now you're gonna know it.

'Cause it's spelled out on your car in pine sap.

Well, I just missed my flight.

I hope you're happy.

All I wanted to do was get home to my Lola,

sit on her plastic-covered couch,

and eat bebinca together,

and this was my last chance.

She's not dying, I just plan on doing keto in the new year.

Nah, nah, nah. I'm the mean character here.

Okay, I hate Christmas time

because in this time of "giving,"

nobody ever thinks about us.

We're invisible elves.

Just one day, one day, I'd like to feel like Santa.

Yeah, well, I might have an idea

that would make being in L.A. for Christmas

slightly less than terrible and let you be Santa.

Patrick, wait!

There's a woman watching us right now

from that building behind us.

That woman thinks everything you did today was romantic

because she's been brainwashed by some British people.

What you did today is not romantic, it's weird.

And Love Actually sounds like a deeply problematic movie.

One of the stories is Bilbo Baggins

shooting a porno on Christmas.

But, Arpi, I just wanna film you forever.

Listen to yourself, man.

Look, I hate all of this,

but I care deeply about my friend up there,

and I want her to believe that love actually exists actually,

so this is for her.

Now, I'm gonna whisper a list

of free mental health resources available through city funding

because you need serious help.

I don't really work here.

Leslie, eyes on Taryn.

Okay, listen. Tough love right now.

Dad, you're bad at gifts.

What?

What about that beautiful candelabra I got you?

I was nine and not Liberace.

And don't bring up the dollhouse.

I mean, you said I couldn't touch it

because it was an antique

that had belonged to French royalty.

Because it did. And you shouldn't.

You're super generous,

but Christmas makes you weird.

Just let all these people go home.

The queen of diamonds is in your mouth, sir.

Uh... Oh, hey. All right, there, Taryn.

Thank you so much. That'll be enough.

All right, everybody, uh, go on home.

But you know what?

You all are ungrateful.

Do you have any idea how much time I spent

picking the monogram font on those garment bags?

I found out all of your middle names!

Yeah, Anna, Anna, Eduardo,

Anna, Moon-system.

But you don't appreciate that!

And yes, it stinks to be poor at Christmas.

No one wants to hear this,

but it really stinks for millionaires.

Okay, thanks for watching. It does.

Don't forget to smash that like button.

Tell you what? Go on, go home.

Seriously, go on. Get out of here.

Take these stupid trees with you.

Not me, I don't do fire stuff.

My words, my beautiful words!

Oh, no.

My song is gone, and I never got to sing it.

Jayden, I... I am so sorry.

You've made a fool out of me.

And you've made the life I lead foolish, too.

Emma Thompson.

I told you, love is all around us.

You were right...

and now Patrick and I are lovers.

Thanks.

Hey, Arpi, can I talk to you for a minute?

I feel like I've ruined everyone's Christmas.

Yes, sir. What's your question?

Why am I so terrible at this?

Every year I go all out.

I try to dazzle people.

Well, there it is.

You're trying to show off,

instead of thinking about what people really want.

You know what I just gave Mikaela?

I kissed a weirdo because that's what she needed.

Giving a good gift isn't about what you want.

It's about what the recipient wants.

Of course.

Oh, my God, it's like sex.

Why haven't I ever connected this before?

Probably because it's mostly a holiday for children.

No, but I get it. I really get it.

Hey, everyone, hey, listen up.

I am sorry that I made today about me

instead of about your pleasure.

Oh, gross, sir, but we all forgive you.

Thanks, Tommy. Uh, yeah, not Jayden.

I destroyed his Christmas song.

No amount of money is gonna bring that back.

Wait, can you call Taryn Digiacomo?

I mean, maybe he can...

Use his mental powers to guess the lost lyrics?

Yes, I'm still here

because my Lyft canceled because traffic's a mess.

Flag on the play. No one goes home.

Damn it! Man.

Hey, can you do that?

Can you mentalize Jayden's song back?

Again, I'm not a psychic. I just read body language.

Okay, some of what I do involves hiding microphones

in bathrooms, but I did not do that here

because it was too short notice.

How are you married and I'm not?

What I do do is thin-slice people by asking questions.

For example, if the guy was here, I would ask,

"Jayden, what's your favorite color?"

Yellow. 'Cause minions.

Jayden, what's a three-digit number that's important to you?

Seven, eight, nine.

It's why six is afraid of seven.

Boy, we know that kid really well, don't we? Ha!

You know what? Maybe I can do this.

Maybe Taryn Digiacomo can finally prove

to his father that mentalism is a valued...

Taryn, you're not the main character.

Orly, get some paper.

Stop prank knocking!

I know you're retired,

but you have to find a new hobby, Mrs. Chen!

Jayden, we've got something for you.

There's no snow in sight say the weather folks

It's still hot as a crotch out in Sherman Oaks

But the fires have died and there's a little less smoke

Now it's Christmas in L.A.

There's no Jack Frost nipping your redone nose

But no one will ask why your forehead's froze

And that filler sure makes your cheekbones glow

Yes, it's Christmas in L.A.

In L.A.

There's a fistfight at the Trader Joe's on Vine

And a pileup on the ten

They found a human head by the Hollywood sign

It's Christmas Eve again

Eve again

Is that your song?

No, but I loved every word of it.

We may not have ice skates or sleds that soar

But we've got horchata and Pauly Shore

Grab a Pink's hot dog

Drink a twink's eggnog, for its Christmastime L.A.

It may not be the ushe, but if I can choose

I'd still spend my Christmas here with you

It's ashing!