Original subtitles

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(elephant trumpets)

Downloaded from YTS.MX

(audience laughs)

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Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

(Jason) Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the Leicester Square Theatre.

Welcome to The Ironic Bionic Man.

Can we please have a huge, big round of applause

for the act this evening?

Mr Jason Byrne!

(audience applauds)

(Jason cheers)

Hello, London.

Two people sitting in just last minute.

Oh, my God. Are we all OK? Everybody? Oh my God.

The fun about this is I've always said

we should record these gigs,

and we're gonna record this one tonight. Jesus.

Look at the microphone.

That couldn't be any nearer to you, sir.

This is a laughter mic to pick up laughter.

So you better fucking laugh your arse off.

It's like a weird interview, isn't it? What the fuck?

That's like someone from the '80s.

Little Terry Wogan with a stick.

Nobody knows Blankety Blank.

Anyway, it doesn't matter.

How many people here remember Blankety Blank?

(audience cheer)

OK, that's who I'm dealing with. OK.

Young people in the front,

you don't know what Blankety Blank was?

No? Doesn't matter. OK, Terry Wogan with a stick.

He had a stick, and Kenny Everett would bend it.

That's what happened. You'll have to google it later.

Doesn't matter.

Bent it and went, "Oh, what are you doing?"

Terry Wogan from Ireland.

But this lot pretended he was British. All right?

And the fucking Queen knighted him, for fuck's sake.

The Irish like, "What? It's fucking Ireland."

Doesn't matter. Anyway.

The young people... I don't know.

Are yous all together here, in a three?

Just two. Four. Four young people. Oh, my God.

Four young people.

Oh no, you can't. No, I'm not allowed to touch you.

Right? Can't touch young people. Doesn't matter.

Now, where are yous from, the four people?

- (Man) London. - London. Thank you.

Young people are very gentle,

and you might break them with vibrations.

"Just London." All the answers you need, Jason, tonight.

Are there any more young people in the room?

(Whoops) Just two. Just two more.

No. Yeah. Look at the women. Fair play.

That's brilliant. "Yeah, we are unbelievably young here."

We're recording this gig, so we'll find out later.

Are yous from London, the ladies?

- (Women) Dublin. - Oh...

Oh, here's the Irish.

(Laughter)

They're coming, they heard it's being recorded.

"We'll be on the telly, Maura, we'll be on the telly."

You don't get paid for this now at the end,

waiting for your fucking wage.

"Where's the money? We were on the telly. Money."

Do you remember Terry Wogan?

- Yeah. - Oh yeah.

Have you ever heard of Terry Wogan? These four people.

- (Woman) No. - No.

How old does this room feel right now?

"Who's Terry Wogan?"

He ran the airwaves. That's what he did.

And Eurovision. He would commentate on that as well.

But Graham Norton took over, who's also fucking Irish.

Doesn't matter. Do you live near Dublin?

(Women) Yeah.

Did you say, "Ye-oh"?

- Where do yous live, here? - (Woman) Los Angeles.

You live in Los Angeles? That's not here.

You know these fucking people think

we're stupid enough as it is without that kind of an answer.

I'm recording this gig in London,

and the Irish go, "Do you live here?" "Yeah. Los Angeles."

Just down the road there. Los Angeles is over there.

America's there... What?

Do yous live here and Los Angeles?

(Woman) London, Dub...

(Jason) Oh, London, Dublin, Los Angeles.

That just sounds like a flight. What the fuck?

London, Dublin, Los Angeles. Who's the Los Angeles woman, Lady Irish?

Oh, you are? Well done.

- We're sisters. - You're sisters?

Oh, my God. Do you see how older people just keep talking?

(Audience laughs)

The difference is amazing.

"London, Los Angeles, they're sisters.

"Sisters just out for the day."

Young people - "Ah...

"..we didn't know there'd be questions on a Thursday.

"So many questions."

Don't worry, I'll look after yous. You'll be OK.

You're in your 20s, are you, in the front?

Well done. That's grand. Oh, sorry.

You're 20s as well? You're saying? "That'll do."

Is that what you mean? That's grand.

You haven't fucking laughed at anything yet.

It's just for you. That's just... Yeah.

Ha, ha-ha-ha, ha. Well done.

And look at them... Look at them. Look at them.

(Jason babbles)

Sorry. Doesn't matter.

So are you in television or something like that?

Working in London. What do you do?

(Woman) Sorry...

Did you say, sorry, you couldn't understand me? Brilliant.

Every fecking gig I do here in London,

the first night it's just too fast with the Irish diddly.

Idle, idle, diddly, idle.

Did you know what the hell we were saying?

So me and the girls were going, "London, Los Angeles..."

(Jason babbles)

Look at the young people. "Is it a musical? Are we at a musical?

"Where's the bodhrans and the Riverdancing?"

(Jason babbles)

Ah...

Sorry. Where are you from, sir?

- (Man) Essex. - Essex.

Can you ask them how old they are, roughly?

How old are you?

"How old are you?" Well done, thanks.

- You're in your 20s, and you're... - (Woman) 20 to 24.

20 to 24. And what do yous do?

I've just... We've just graduated from drama school.

You've just graduated from drama school!

Mother of Jesus.

Oh, my God. Gee.

You cannot believe the amount of people here who are my age,

and if we walked in to our fathers in the '80s

and told them that, can you imagine?

"What are you doing?" "Drama, Dad."

"Yeah, no problem. Here's the plumber's card.

"You start next week, fuckface. All right?

"You can dress up as Robin Hood or something

"as you go down to fucking drama."

So we're very proud for you, being in drama.

That's fucking fantastic.

The difference in the world now.

So, yous must come from a posh family then.

Is that how it works?

You don't come from a posh family?

You probably don't know.

You probably don't know, but yous do. You do.

You do.

Look, she's going, "We're not bloody posh."

Like, the girl from LA, what do you do?

- (Woman) Work. - Work.

Jesus, you must love it.

"Work myself to death."

In LA, though? We'd love to know. That sounds brilliant.

(Woman) I work in...

(Jason babbles)

Even I didn't understand what the fuck you said.

Look at the English. "What?"

Did you say you worked for philanthropists-ists?

(Woman) Rich philanthropist.

You work for a rich...

- (Man) Philanthropist. - I know what the fuck she said.

(Audience laughs)

- Is your name Jason? - Jason.

Yeah, you're here every year, aren't you?

Oh, fucking Jason. Fair play to you.

I forgot about Jason on the front, but...

Who's been here before, by the way?

(Audience cheers)

Oh, fuck. Oh, even the posh people!

Drama.

You just keep fucking doing drama as long as you want.

You make your fucking parents pay for it. Well done.

Have to work like her to death for rich people.

What do you mean you work for rich people?

Like, what? Like an estate agent? Like money?

Do you sell houses?

(Woman) They have foundations...

They have foundations.

Prostate Cancer Foundation.

A prostate cancer foundation.

(Woman continues)

And that's what you do. You work with prostate cancer.

(Woman continues)

I don't know what the fuck you do.

Jesus Christ. Is it a charity you work for?

(Woman) They're nonprofits.

They're nonprofits. A nonprofit charity.

What the fuck use is that?

(Audience laughs)

"Fucking hell. How much we made this year?"

"Well, nothing... again.

"This is nonprofit. Absolutely fucking zero money comes in."

"How we gonna play for fucking Maureen's flight to London?"

"LA, my sister, New York." Anyway.

Oh, Jesus. Sorry, Jason. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

And an Essex boy.

(Jason babbles)

How many people here from Essex?

(Audience cheers)

Four. OK, brilliant. Do yous know the Essex people here?

Were you here before, the lovely couple on second row?

- (Man) I've been to see you, yeah. - You've been to see me before?

OK, brilliant...

(Man) I saved up to come again.

You saved up to come again? Yeah.

I doubt your parents would ever do that.

Save up to go.

See, he's worked his fucking arse to pay for the fucking tickets.

"Mother, I want tickets to the play.

"To go and see Jason in the theatre,

"which I will be in soon."

Wait, what did you work at, sir? What do you do?

(Man) Packaging. Boxes.

Boxes?

Does nobody know what the fuck they do in this room?

This happened last Thursday.

I got all the fucking special people into the room.

"Packaging boxes. Is that what I do?

"I don't know. Cardboard."

"What about you, Maureen?" "Nonprofit. We do nonprofit.

"We don't make any money.

"The charity's fucking dying on its arse."

(Audience laughs)

Sorry. Sorry. We haven't got time.

We're recording this and there's a show on after,

so shut the fuck up.

Oh, my God. I've gotta take it easy. So listen, OK.

Explain to young people... So, what was your name? Your names?

What's your name?

- Maddie. - Maddie.

- Claudia. - Claudia. Fuck.

No. Well done, drama. You said every letter, every letter.

"Claudia!"

Well done, Claudia. And...?

- Eve. - Eve. Lovely.

Yes. And, the boy?

- Henry. - Henry. Yes.

Have I spoken to you before, Henry?

- You did. - Yes, I did.

- You sang him a song. - I sang him a song.

(Audience laughs)

OK, listen. OK, listen.

This show, right?

This Ironic Bionic Man, by the way. You can see the poster.

There is a reason for me being here. All right? OK.

Look, a lot of us,

I worked out the age with the Blankety Blank.

A lot of us would've watched The Bionic Man

on the telly, right?

Which was an American show. Again, young people, don't worry.

And, basically, The Bionic Man,

he was also called the $6 Million Man.

Was still the same show, right? Steve Austin. Right?

And he was an astronaut. I think that's how it went. Yeah.

And he had an accident, right?

And remember this, he had an accident. This is a TV show.

We watched this. It was in the '60s, '70s, '80s.

It's still on now. You can watch it on repeat, right?

And he had an accident.

And I think his eye was hanging out,

and his arm, and his legs were...

He was bollocked, right? He was bollocked.

And the idea of the show was, "We can rebuild him."

And they did...

(Jason mimics tune)

They chopped his eye out. Remember that?

And they gave him like a bionic eye, right?

And whenever he was looking through his bionic eye,

do you remember the noise on the telly? Used to always go...

(Jason mimics beeping)

Because you wouldn't know if he was using a bionic eye,

you see, young people, so you had to be told. The show was going...

(Jason mimics beeping)

He was looking in the distance and it went...

And then his arm would crush a tennis ball, would go...

(Jason mimics beeping)

And then he had a bionic leg, as well.

Oh no, sorry, he had two bionic legs.

Not one. One bionic leg is no use.

75 miles an hour, just dragging this one along.

Fucking just down to a stump. It was just a stump.

"Where's the rest of your legs, Steve?"

"You only gave me one."

So, he had two bionic legs, right?

See, this is what happened, right?

So I have now become an Ironic Bionic Man.

That's what's happened to me, cos most of my insides are all fake.

I've got plastic and bits of metal,

just like Steve Austin, right?

So, a lot of people who don't know,

I'll ring it right back.

I was born, literally, with my eye turned in, right?

Had a squint. Eye turned in. Cockeye.

Was called all sorts of names, right?

But then around ten years of age,

they straightened my eye, the doctors.

And so, I have a bionic eye.

So I now have a bionic eye, right?

And my appendix are gone, right?

When I was about 20, my lung collapsed.

So that went back up again. That's got staples as well.

My arm fell off in Australia.

And that's got bolts in there as well.

Oh, and the other one, the classic one -

when I was about 35, I went to have a shit,

bent down too quick and ripped the cartilage in my knee.

So... that's got new stuff in it as well there.

And anybody my age, right,

or near my age, if you're going to have a poo,

I recommend warming up in the hallway before you go in,

just a couple of squats, you know?

Obviously not if you've got the runs,

but just... a couple of them, right?

And then the other thing, Henry, is me balls don't work.

Me balls are bollocksed, right?

Well, they still work. But I was neutered.

That was the last thing that happened...

I was neutered... ironically by my ex-wife.

That's who neutered me. "Aha!"

And how many men in this room have been neutered?

(Man shouts out)

They can't shout out anymore.

They've no bark in them anymore.

(Jason croaks)

And when you get neutered, by the way, Henry,

in your future, it's not your idea.

It's never your idea.

You're brought there by your wife,

and the waiting room just looks like a vet's.

There's just men...

(Audience laughs)

..looking all scared.

And the wives rubbing them, going,

"It's OK. It'll be OK."

And they bring it in, as they do.

And so, my balls, they still work, Henry, don't worry.

If you're gonna get a vasectomy. Doesn't matter.

Actually, they'll cut that thing, that little...

The testicle thing, they make this...

So, they'll cut the tube.

And what happens is the sperm just doesn't go anywhere anymore.

It just falls out.

Like a little pile of dead babies just inside your ballsack

that have nowhere to go.

Like, "Oh, no, where do we go?"

Nowhere. They just disintegrate in there.

But most men will be happy to know,

the... the gunk still comes out.

That's what the prostate's for. so that still comes out.

So it's not as if, you know, when you're ejaculating,

your willy's dry retching.

That doesn't happen.

Literally, poor willy going...

(Jason retches)

"Oh, my God, there's nothing in here. Please stop.

"Oh, my God."

Sorry. No...

So there's a man in the back with a vasectomy.

That's grand. I don't know.

Who's the man with the vasectomy? Is he gone?

- Is he still there? - Still at the back.

Oh, my God. You're being pointed at by your lovely wife. The poor woman.

Look at that. "Here he is. Neutered."

Well done, sir. How long ago did you get yours done?

(Man) About... 20.

20 years ago?

They must have used a fucking chisel and a fucking hammer.

Boof! "There you go. Next."

Well done. Did you already have children?

- Yeah. - Oh, you did.

- How many did you have? - Two.

Just two. Jesus.

- Were they with that lady? - Yeah.

Oh, my God. I wish you could see her face, going, "That was enough.

"That was enough. Two is enough. Get him neutered."

Well done, sir. And where are you from, sir?

(Man) Sunbury.

Somebody?

(Audience laughs)

I think this is brilliant.

Already, I'm delighted I'm recording this.

"Where are you from?" "Somebody."

No, you ARE somebody.

Yeah. So you can't be from somebody.

Unless, is there a place called somebody?

- Sunbury. - Oh, what'd they say?

- Sunbury. - Oh, Sunbury.

- Thank you. - I think it's Oxford.

Thanks very much. You think it's where?

- Oxford. - Oxford. Is it Oxford?

- No. - No.

(Laughter)

Poor old Jase trying his best. Oh, my God. Fuck it.

I love the British. You're brilliant. Just straight out.

If that was the Irish, you'd be going, "No, near enough now.

"But hard luck. But thanks."

Here, you've no time for anything.

You just fucking get moving. "Oxford?"

"No. Move on. Next question. No, it wasn't. Fuck off."

Do you know what I'll tell you today? This happened today.

I didn't write this. This happened today.

I was in Paddington Station, and I've never seen anything like it.

There was a woman with little bottles of red wine,

and she had a little stall, and she was giving out free wine

and all you fuckers were too busy to even see it, right?

Literally never seen anything like it, just panicking. Just like...

(Jason babbles)

And she was just like this, going... (Jason babbles)

I was watching her, and she did this.

She had a nervous breakdown because you lot, right?

She just stood up and she went, "This wine's free!

"Why would you not want free wine?"

And she just came out from behind it

and got bottles and just start stuffing it

in people's fucking hands.

And it was like a relay, cos you're always in a hurry.

They were just taking it like this.

"Just put in there. Just fuck off. Stop stopping me.

"No time to stop. No time to stop. No time to stop."

That's your next show. "No time to stop, no time to stop."

# And Henry, the graphic designer. #

Oh, my God.

And then the last thing I have now, I might as well tell you.

Yes, I have six stents in my branched arteries.

So that's the last bionic thing that's inside me, right?

And last year I asked this as well. Is there anybody here with stents?

I don't mean, you know, beside you, person...

Like any heart diseases in the room?

(Scattered shouts) Yes.

Oh, my God, that took a while. OK, well done.

Well done, sir. How many stents do you have?

- (Man) One. - One.

I've got six.

No, I lose. You win. Well done.

I asked this question in Glasgow in July, in Scotland.

Cos I love the Scots.

Is there Scottish people here?

- (Man) Yeah. - Over there. Well done.

Which part of Scotland?

- Glasgow. - Glasgow. Near Glasgow.

Apparently you're not. You're near Glasgow.

Who said near? You're Glasgow. Oh, well done.

And who's near Glasgow? Well done.

So you don't live in Glasgow? The lady.

(Woman) No, I live in London now.

You live in London?

No, but...

(Audience laughs)

These gigs are always like a social experiment.

How adults react in the dark in a fucking basement.

But you mean you were born in Glasgow?

- (Woman) Near! - Near it.

So where was it? Where?

(Woman) Dunoon.

Dunoon?

That's like a name they've started

and couldn't be arsed fucking finishing.

"Today we'll be calling this new town Dunoon..."

(Audience laughs)

"Where are you fucking going, Frankie?

"Why didn't you finish off the name?"

"I haven't got time.

"It's called Dunoo..."

(Jason babbles)

"But from here on in, it'll always be known as Dunoon."

Is that why you just say, "Near Glasgow"?

Cos you can't be fucking arsed explaining it?

Anyway, Glasgow. And you're from Glasgow, sir?

You're not...? Have you ever seen Dunoon?

You've heard of it.

But it's near Glasgow, yeah?

You have no idea. You fucking liar.

The stress.

My heart surgeon said, "Yeah, you can do the gigs

"as long as there's no fucking high stress in them."

(Audience laughs)

So I actually asked this question, right?

And I said in Glasgow, "Who here has heart disease?"

And the fucking arms flew up. All the Scots go, "Yes, I do.

"Yeah. Pacemaker, triple bypass." One guy goes, "I died."

"What do you mean, you died?"

He goes, "But I'm all right right now."

"I know you're all right now." I said, "What's your name?"

He goes, "My name's Dougie. I'm 68 and I died.

"But when I came back alive, I electrocuted two people."

I said, "Oh, my God, Dougie, what are you talking about?

"You have to tell me."

And he says, "Right, I'll tell you."

And he told me. This is such a great Scottish story, right?

He said that he was in the streets of Glasgow

and it was raining heavily.

And he was like 68. You know, he's a big fella.

And he ran across the road, right?

Cos there was lights. He ran across through traffic.

But when he got to the other side, he had a heart attack,

cos he said he wouldn't have normally ran anywhere.

So he got a heart attack and he hit the fucking deck, right?

Literally hit the deck, and his heart stopped, he said.

He was like, dead on the ground.

And I don't know about here, but in Scotland and Ireland,

when somebody hits the deck,

we run over immediately just to have a look.

That's all we're doing.

So Dougie said he was on the ground

and there's Scottish people just gathered around him,

just looking at him, going, "I think this guy is dead."

Just pointing at him, right?

And Dougie said, "Thank God there was paramedics

"across the road, right?"

Because they ran over, seen Dougie on the ground,

ripped open his shirt, got the defibrillator,

whacked it up and fucking belted Dougie, right?

But because it was raining,

the electricity ran through Dougie's body

and fucking electrocuted the two lads standing either side of Dougie.

And Dougie said when he woke up,

there was two lads unconscious.

(Audience laughs)

And the fucking paramedic didn't know who the fuck to do next.

"God, are yous all dead?" So it's OK...

So I've got the stent. You have one stent.

I have six stents. Fair play to you, you'll be OK.

That's good. And look, it's London.

There must be medical people here, in case anything happens to us.

Any medical people?

- (Man) Yeah. - Yeah. There we go. Well done.

I asked this in Ireland.

I said, "Is there any medical people here?"

This happened only recently.

And this lovely woman just goes, "Yeah, that lady is."

Four rows behind her. I said, "How do you know?"

And she goes, "I heard her talking in the foyer...

"..and she said she was a nurse."

I was going, "What?"

And I said to her, I said, "Are you a nurse?"

And she said, "I'm a dental nurse." She said, right?

She said, "All I can do is suck the saliva

"out of your face with a pipe."

And listen, can I just say, any dental nurses here,

we're so proud of you, by the way.

Oh, my God, we love you so much, right?

Trying to deal with that fucking dentist,

patronising dickhead, all the time.

Do you know when you fucking lie down

and the dentists just stand there

and they're fucking just looking, tapping your teeth.

That's all the fucking dentist does,

just tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

You look up and they go, "Can you mix up some filling there?

"Mix up some filling mix for the filling for the tooth, please."

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

You see the dental nurse's face on the wall going,

"Mix up your own fucking filling.

"Lazy fucking bastard. All you're doing is tapping teeth.

"Just stupid fuck. I do fucking everything."

Tap, tap, tap. "Is that ready?"

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

"I'm now gonna call out all the names of the teeth.

"Please write them down."

"I fucking know what they're called, you stupid bastard.

"Fucking get that suction pipe and stick it up your hoop."

That's why, you know when you're lying back

and the dental nurses go...?

(Jason mimics suction tube)

Like real violent,

cos this fucker's annoyed the shit out of her.

(Jason mimics suction tube)

So I asked the lovely dental nurse, I said,

"Have you ever left a man on his own in that chair

"when you have to...?" She goes, "We have."

I said, "Don't do that. Not beside that pipe. Don't do that."

Cos men are idiots, aren't we? It's not a sexual thing.

We just get bored.

If a fella's sitting there and there's a pipe there,

he's just gonna say, "Oh," just take it out,

and see if it'll lift up his willy.

Just a weight thing.

"I wonder if that can lift up my willy."

(Jason mimics suction tube)

"Bloody hell, it can. Oh."

Next patient.

(Jason mimics suction tube)

"I smell a cock. Smell of cock off that."

Sorry.

(Audience laughs)

But I'll tell you quickly, right?

So the doctors... and the nurse. We're very proud of you.

Thanks for teaching everybody. Cheers.

Is there actually doctors here as well?

Oh, there's one at the back. Just hand up.

Hoping I wouldn't see them. Thank you, Doctor.

What are you a doctor of?

(Woman) GP.

Oh, a GP. Oh, my God.

We fucking love yous.

But we love GPs, nurses, all the doctors, right?

And so, my heart surgeon, he's called Dr Rory O'Hanlon,

in Blackrock, Dublin. Really, really great.

He was looking after me the whole time.

And before I came here, you know,

he was just checking me out, the stents,

blood pressure, cholesterol, everything.

And he said, "You'll be OK." And he says,

"Oh, but would you tell your crowd this story, Jason?"

Cos medical people, they have to deal

with like horrific shit all the time.

So they use humour just to get them through the worst times,

which a lot of us do, right?

So this is what he said. He said, during COVID,

he couldn't do loads of different open heart surgery

unless it was an emergency, right?

And because he was an angel,

he helped out in the local clinic, for free.

So he helped out at the local clinic,

and they gave him a little office, and he had a receptionist.

And he said on this day, this really happened,

I didn't write any of this.

This happened to Dr Rory, right?

He sent out for the next patient.

And he said an old couple came in, in their 80s,

with the mask, kind of shuffled in, right?

And he said the old man sat in front of him,

and the lady sat in the corner,

and he said he recognised the old man.

He said, "That was Mr Murphy."

He says, "I operated on him.

"I've done heart surgery on him."

And he said, "How are you feeling, Mr Murphy?"

And Mr Murphy said, "Oh, I feel good, Doctor. I feel good."

And of course, we all know

that if we have any granddads around, or dads,

you always check with the missus if he's telling the truth.

So Rory automatically went, "Is he all right?"

And she went, "Yeah, yeah, no, he's good. He's all right."

Then Rory said, "Oh, listen, I operated on your heart.

"And I told you, you have to get out there and do the walks.

"Have you been out walking?"

And he goes, "Yeah, once or twice a day.

"I get up and down the street."

He looks over at the missus, and she goes,

"Yeah, once or twice a day he goes up and down the street."

This really happened, right? Then Rory said,

"And you can't be smoking because you'll have a stroke.

"I told you, you can't be smoking cigarettes."

And he went, "No, I haven't smoked for a year."

Looked at the missus, she went, "No, he hasn't smoked for a year."

So then Rory wrote the prescription.

He gave it to the old man.

Mr Murphy stood up and left the room.

And the old woman just sat there, looking at Rory,

and Rory said, "Are you not gonna go out the door with your husband?"

And she said, "I've never met that man in my life before."

(Audience laughs)

She goes, "I don't know who he is."

Rory said, "Well, why did you come in with him?"

And she said, "Oh, I'm really sorry.

"I thought the receptionist pointed at both of us

"when she was calling us in.

"And I thought it was some sort of COVID rule.

"So I sat in the corner and I waited for my turn."

Isn't that lovely? But here's the best bit.

He then said,

"How did you know the answers to the questions?"

And she said, "Oh, I didn't.

"I just thought you couldn't hear him under his mask.

"I was just repeating what he said."

Sorry. Now, listen.

I did a gig in Wrexham, by the way.

Is anybody here from Wales, Wrexham, Wales?

Jason, are you from Wrexham?

- No. - No. Brilliant. Good start.

(Audience laughs)

I love my crowd.

As I said before,

you mustn't be allowed at any other shows apart from mine.

"Wrexham. Yay."

"Are you?" "No." Sorry, Jase...

Oh, what did you mean to say, Jase?

- I'm from Wales. - Oh, you're from Wales,

but not Wrexham.

Well, thank you, Jason.

Was it Cardiff you were from, then?

- Yeah, near Newport. - Near Newport. So Cardiff?

(Audience laughs)

Jesus, thank God this is not like 600 years ago,

and you're all trying to guide ships around fucking Britain.

"We're going to Cardiff."

"Really?" "Well, near enough."

"Is there any room? Any more room on the ship?"

"Where you going?" "Dunoon."

"Where is that?"

"Nobody knows.

"It's near Glasgow.

"But no Glasgow people have ever seen... Dunoon."

So sorry. Yeah. So, I was in Wrexham, right?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, I have... Show you the Wrexham thing.

Oh, fuck. That's not the Wrexham thing. Shit.

Oh, that's Tales Of The Unexpected.

I should have done that in the first half. Sorry.

(Audience laughs)

I'm not very good at PowerPoint. Now...

Oh no. The young people again. Shit!

How many people here recognise Tales Of The Unexpected?

(Audience cheers)

How many people don't?

(Audience cheers)

Got a young person here as well. Well done. That's good.

What kind of age group are you?

- (Woman) I'm 26. - You're 26.

But you've never heard of this?

- No. - Oh, OK. Right.

Oh, let me see. Actually, what was your name, Essex?

Dan.

Dan, could I just get you up here for a second

just to show them what it is?

Give Dan a round of applause. Come on, Dan.

(Applause) Come on up here.

Oh my God, Dan. Jesus.

There's fucking steps over here, Dan.

(Audience laughs)

Fucking hell, you could have done the showbiz thing.

Fucking... Are you his missus? Giving a fucking push in the arse.

Dan, you're so good.

Right, just come here, Dan. Right.

So actually, Dan's not that old either.

I mean, how old are you? About... what, 28?

- 36. - You're fucking 36?

Well done on the face.

Did you point at your wife? That was so nice.

"I'm young because of my beautiful wife."

"Is it good skin products?" "No, happiness."

Wish we were all as happy as Dan. Dan and... what?

- Rebecca. - Dan and Rebecca.

(Audience laughs)

You might do a little drama show about that later on.

The Dan and Rebecca perfect romance.

So, Dan, do you have kids?

- No. - That's fucking why.

(Audience laughs)

That's why. That's why he looks like he does.

Cos you don't have little fucking bastards

hanging out with you, asking you for fucking shit.

Sorry. We really need to edit that bit out.

We can't have that in the show. We love our children.

We love our children. Drama, drama... Ba-ba-ba!

"I wanna go to drama, Father." "Absolutely, child.

"Go ahead and do drama.

"I worked my fucking hole off all my life to pay for it."

Sorry, Dan. Now... And Rebecca. Rebecca!

Do you know what this is? No. He fucking doesn't either.

How old do we feel now?

This is amazing. OK, I'll tell you.

And the children of the future, right?

Tales Of The Unexpected was actually written by Roald Dahl,

but there was loads of shows on, in the '70s, on the telly, right?

The '70s and into the '80s. And it's repeated now, Dan,

so you can have a look when you go home, right?

Some of those old goldie shite things, right?

And what happened was that lady there, right?

The shadow lady, she just kind of fucking danced, like that,

to the flames.

And the music was like...

(Jason mimics tune)

And she danced like that, right?

I'm pretty sure she was naked as well, right?

And in the '80s, that was the only porn we had.

That's all.

All the young people here going, "What are you talking about?"

We had no internet, no Alsatians banging donkeys.

We had to wait until that came on Channel Four,

a bit of a nipple, fast as you could.

Cos no pauses, no nothing.

Here it comes. Make sure your dad was having a shit,

and you were like, "Fuck, nipple, nipple, nipple, nipple,

"nipple nipple, nipple, nipple."

Gone. Into the cushion. You did it into a cushion.

Threw it over and blamed the dog.

Because you know, a dog with loads of saliva.

If you had a St Bernard,

"The St Bernard saliva all over the couch again, Dad."

Sorry, Dan, sorry.

So Dan from Essex and Rebecca, I love Rebecca.

Rebecca. How many years are you married?

- We're not. - That's why!

Not married, no kids. Fuck off.

Living life, right?

Sorry, Dan. Sorry. Drama. Oh, what do you do, Dan?

- I'm a greenkeeper. - He's a greenkeeper.

That's a brilliant job. (Sporadic applause)

Just one clap.

There's a clap. That's the man who makes boxes.

"We love a greenkeeper in the box factory."

Do you play golf then? Is that why?

- (Man) Yes. - Yes. That's why.

That's such a canny job.

Don't you ever fucking leave that.

Just push it. You love what, though?

- Cutting grass. - You love cutting grass?

That's so nice.

Well, you wouldn't be able to cut grass if you had fucking kids.

(Audience laughs)

Anyway. Well done.

(Jason babbles)

What the fuck happened there?

Not too sure what language that was.

(Jason babbles)

Now, so this lady, she'd just do this.

You just have to do that, right? It's easy.

We gotta show the young people how it worked. Right?

So you just come a bit there. Bit there.

OK, that's good, cos you get a kind of shadow on you.

Actually, fuck this. Look.

I got a torch as well. Fuck. We'll try this.

I'm just gonna come down to the young people, right?

Oh, my God. OK, don't worry. I'm going over this side.

OK, ready?

No, fucking wait.

(Laughter)

I think we have the music.

Actually, can you black out the stage, Jess?

Black out the stage. Oh, fucking yeah. Look at this.

Oh, brilliant.

OK. Just stop a sec. Stop a sec.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, Jess. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Dan, what the fuck are you doing, Dan? It's not a rave.

Go slower.

More kind of sexy. Do you know what I mean?

The Glasgow fella, have you ever seen a show? Yeah.

Get up the fuck beside Dan and show him.

Get up. Get up the fuck, you Glaswegian.

Fucking swear to God, this shit. Fucking had enough of this.

Get the fuck up and show... Yeah, you have to.

You have to get up.

OK, leave him. No, leave him, no, leave him.

I know, he's too scared. He's too scared. He's too scared.

Jase, can you show him? Yeah.

- (Woman) Go on, Jase. - Go on, Jase. Go on.

Go on, Jase. You're here every year.

- What, Jase? - Bad foot.

You've got a bad fucking foot?

OK, just do it in your seat then, you lazy fuck.

OK, here we go, Dan. Right? Get it up. Get it up again.

Right here. That's it. A bit more sexy. That's it.

Good, good, good.

Oh, this is good. This is good.

Give it up for Dan!

(Audience applauds)

Yeah, you can use the stairs.

Oh, you can do whatever the fuck you want.

Oh, fuck, your man's going to use the stairs,

but he's young and youthful, cutting grass.

Oh, my God. I fucking forgot about the thing.

Well done, Dan. Oh, my God, that was good.

That was nice and sexy. Well done. That was good.

I love that. Look at your hips. Sorry, Dan, what?

- The hips. - It's the hips.

OK. That's what's sexy? Oh, my God.

I can just see your missus now,

Rebecca going, "Can you do that later on, Dan?

"Do the shadow in the bedroom.

"Take your time, cos we've no kids knocking on the door."

"Mummy and daddy, what's the noise?" "Fuck off.

"I'm trying to make love to your fucking mother."

God, it's hard when you have kids, isn't it?

When both of you have to put your hand over each other's mouth?

That's fucking weird.

(Jason grunts)

(feedback whines)

What the fuck? Feedback?

(Audience laughs)

Sorry, that was me knob.

Was literally...

My own willy fed back into me face.

What? What are we talking about? Doesn't matter. Now...

Oh yeah, the Wrexham gig.

This is what I was trying to fucking say.

So did this gig in Wrexham, right?

In Wales, where you don't live.

Any other Welsh people here?

- (Woman) Yay. - Oh, lovely. Well done.

Do you live here now?

- Yeah. - What do you do here?

- I'm a psychologist. - You're a psychologist?

(Audience laughs)

Do you get that every day when you tell people what you do?

I don't know, just, on a platform.

"What do you do?" "I'm a psychologist."

Everybody on the platform, "Ooh."

(He babbles)

..being a psychologist.

And how are you getting on?

Like, looking at all this going on?

Any kind of information?

Are you with another colleague? Psychology colleague?

- I am married... - She's with the nurse.

(Audience laughs)

Sounds like she's no fucking choice.

"She's with the nurse. And she's never leaving."

"Can I go back to my life?"

"Never. You'll never return to Ni..."

All the towns with the names that aren't finished.

Fucking...

(Jason babbles)

Oh, my God. Well done.

I mean, I could have recorded any of these nights, but I chose this one.

Fuck, this is good.

This is gonna sell a lot of fucking money to fucking people

going, "What the fuck happened in that room?"

Now, Wrexham. We haven't got time for this shit, Henry.

(Audience laughs)

So in Wrexham, did the gig, right?

And afterwards, this person sent this email to my agent.

Right? OK. Lovely Lisa.

This is what they wrote.

They said... Sorry, "We just got home from Wrexham.

"Jason's show was brilliant,

"but we laughed a lot at the old couple

"who were sitting behind us.

"There's a clairvoyant from Liverpool

"with the same name as Jason.

"He's called James Byrne,

"and that's who the old couple thought who they'd booked to see."

(Audience laughs)

This is real.

"The husband said, 'Mary, I don't think he's a clairvoyant.'

"And she said, 'Shh, give him a chance.

"'He's talking about his near death experience and his stents.

"'He's bound to contact somebody soon.'"

Good old fecking Wales. I love it.

So, sorry. Now, I do think I have his picture.

Yeah, there he is. Fucking look at that.

James Byrne. The Psychic World of James Byrne.

Oh my God, Jesus...

Yeah. That went from Wrexham to you dancing.

Oh, sorry. You. There you are, Dan. Sorry...

So look, I'm very proud of everybody here for being alive today.

That's good. It's amazing, isn't it? You know what I mean?

Just life is brilliant.

I mean, most of us here should be dead,

with a cheer there and all.

That was well done, cos a lot of us here,

looks like a group in the '70s, '80s. You know, '90s.

There's some people here from the '60s and the '50s as well.

Well done. That's amazing.

I grew up kind of '80s, '70s, '80s, bit of '90s.

And you grew up in the '90s and the "Oozies". Well done.

And, oh...

So, I grew up then.

And most of us, especially in the '80s, should be dead,

cos our parents, it was a bit of a cliche,

but basically they loved us,

but they didn't give a shit about us.

So literally, we would just open the door,

that open the door thing,

and we'd go out and just be fucking gone for hours.

And do you remember when you didn't even come back

at 11 o'clock, your parents just locked up the fucking house?

It's not like now, where you're getting torches in fields

going, "Oh, my God, where are they?"

Literally, you had to sleep in the fucking garage

or on top of the extension.

You're only eight. Just fricking lying there.

And then your mum and dad come in in the morning.

"Oh, there you are. You're here."

I nearly died, apparently, thanks very much. Fucking frostbite.

But your dad. Right? You remember your dad?

Because your mum raised you. That's how it worked. Right?

And it was your dad's job to fucking ruin that.

That's what he did, right?

So if your mum came in and did something,

your dad just ruined it.

Oh, my God. Right. Whatever.

I was at the Isle of Man on holidays.

I was only about eight.

And, oh, my God, there's never anybody from the Isle of Man.

Somebody just cheer the Isle of Man? (Whooping)

Oh, my God, there's someone from the Isle of Man.

There's never anybody from the Isle of Man. Well done.

I used to go there for nine years in a row.

Fucking hell, that's some place.

Do you live here now?

- (Man) Yeah. - Oh, my Jesus.

Can you take a picture and just leave it on the side?

I've never seen an Isle of Man person since the '80s.

This is amazing. Wait, where you from? Douglas?

Or which part of the Isle of Man?

(Man) Opposite side, so like near Peel.

Near Peel. OK.

I don't remember the Isle of Man

having an opposite side, because it was so tiny.

I just remember Douglas, and then leaving.

Well done. Manx cats as well. No tails. Just OK... "Ah."

I know. So, well done. That's amazing.

What do you do here now? What's your name, Isle of Man.

- (Woman) Patry. - Who the fuck is that?

We're just picking up people here. It's like a seance.

"Patry.

"We've contacted a Patry."

Sorry, the lady who said Pete. Do you know him?

- (Man) Yeah. - That's a man again.

A man from the Isle of Man, possessed.

"Where you from?" "Patry." "Yeah. What?" "Thank you."

"Patry. Send me back."

Anyway. Sorry. Well done. Jesus.

I was in the Isle of Man, fucking hell, the time's gone by.

Jesus Christ, Henry.

Sitting there with your graphic designer head on you

with fucking nothing to do.

Anyway, right. Isle of Man, went there.

I was eight, right? I swallowed a pound coin, right?

I was only eight. And my mum... My sister was only two.

And she took out the potty and made me sit on it

in front of the telly in the fucking bedroom,

and went, "Well, you can shit that out yourself now."

And gave me a lollipop stick to search for the pound

as it came out.

The difference in how kids are now.

"My God, bring him for an X-ray. There it is.

"We'll monitor it."

I'm just sitting on a potty, rooting through me shit.

And me dad came in, this is true.

And he went, "What the fuck are you doing?"

I said, "I've swallowed a pound.

"I'm looking for it in me poo."

And on me life, my dad says,

"Oh, if you swallow a pound here, it doesn't come out as a pound."

And I went, "What does it come out as?"

He went, "Oh, two 50 pences."

That's what you wanna be looking for.

I was there for ages, looking for fucking 50ps, going,

"Where's the 50ps?" The bastard.

Laughing his head off.

But our dads did loads of dangerous stuff.

Like, we did this. I hope you can see this actually.

Oh no, not that. Jesus.

There. That, right?

OK, you probably can't see that too well, but that's a bit weird.

But the car boot, right?

That's how we used to travel as children, right?

Because, do you remember, if your dad was collecting the football team

or whatever, and he'd be there going,

"There's not enough room." You get about 10 of yous in the car,

and then four of yous in the boot. Do you remember just sitting,

just going down the fucking road holding the boot open?

This is it, isn't it? This is how dangerous it was.

Your dad said, "Make sure you hold that fucking boot open,

"because if it falls down, it'll decapitate the four of you."

We were only like eight or ten,

just holding on for dear life.

And while you're driving down the road like that,

especially if you're in the car,

do you remember the car in front of you on the motorway?

Just had a little kid lying in the back, across the back window.

Just a little child lying across the back window,

just waving at people.

Not his head. His whole fucking body.

If the car braked, the kid just fell into the car,

but the car didn't pull over.

The whole lot of them just picked him up and fucked him back in there.

That was dangerous, right? This was dangerous. Swing ball.

Swingball. I know we all know Swingball. Jesus Christ.

That was a dangerous game when we were younger. Yeah?

Like a thing like this, you know? And again, sorry,

there's probably lots of Irish Catholics here.

I can only find Protestants playing that.

Wherever they are, in their back garden.

"Well done, Eileen." "Absolutely, Terrence. Fantastic."

"Keep me going with the swing ball in the uniform."

Probably don't have any fucking kids.

Dan and Rebecca in their back garden.

And Dan's just mowed the lawn.

"Well done, Daniel." "Thank you, Rebecca."

"Where's the children?" "Fuck the children.

"We'll play Swingball on our own forever and ever, Rebecca."

"I love you Daniel." "I love you, Rebecca.

I love your... Where is it, again?"

"It's in an angel."

"I love the fact that your... inside of an angel.

"I love cutting my grass."

But Swingball's different, right?

Cos it's not as dangerous.

You see that thing at the top? That was fucking lethal.

So what they've done now is they've changed

the top of Swingball.

Cos they said they had to,

in case children hung themselves by accident

on the Swingball, right?

And I was just thinking,

"If you hung yourself with a Swingball,

you fucking deserve to die."

That's natural selection.

That's how we used to get rid

of stupid fucking children in the '80s.

They fucking see that. "I've hung myself."

Deserve to die. Fuck off, move on, next child. Right?

But what we did, you know what you used to do?

You'd put the Swingball there.

You'd have your little sister. She's about five.

She'd stand about here. She had no bat.

She's just standing.

And then you'd get the ball and string,

you'd bring it around, you'd measure it to her temple.

You go, "That's right. Move a little bit. That's good."

And you get the thing and you'd fucking whack it.

She go unconscious. You just leave her.

Going unconscious in the '80s wasn't a problem. Remember?

There was kids falling off things, and there'd be parents

just walking over unconscious children.

"He'll be all right in a minute."

What are we like now? "My child, my poor child."

And then, Christmas would be coming up as kids. Remember?

We'd have this at Christmas, right?

The Imperial Leather. Remember the Imperial Leather soap?

Young children, you may not know. You can see her face.

You don't know what that is, right? This was very posh, right?

And it was only brought out at Christmas.

But you remember if you were last into the shower, you just had that?

That's all you had.

You were just left with a sticker with a bit of soap, rubbing on it.

"Just fucking shit."

So we were mad, right?

Do you remember setting stuff on fire? We did that.

Do you know what I mean?

Young people... Henry, you ever set anything on fire?

- I've set something on fire. - You've set something on fire?

I'm so proud of you. Well done. How old are you again, Henry?

- 24. - 24.

What did you set on fire, Henry?

- Wood. - Wood.

(Audience laughs)

I think he's got the wrong end of the stick, literally.

I don't mean make a fire.

I mean fuck matches into a bush and leg it.

Have you ever done that, Henry?

- Erm... - No.

That's OK.

The son. How old are you, son?

- 35. - 35!

Is there anybody in their teens in this room?

(Male) Yeah.

Oh, there's one over there. Oh, cool. How old are you?

16. (Woman gasps)

(Jason laughs)

He said 16, and the women over here, "Oh!

"How is he able to speak his own?"

Well done, 16. That's amazing. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry

about the start, with the... fucking the willy and...

Are you with your mum and your dad or something?

- My aunt and uncle. - Your auntie and uncle?

There's always a mental auntie and uncle. Well done.

"Your mum won't let you? Fuck her. She's working. Come on."

Well done, auntie and uncle. I love yous.

So, what's your name, 16-year-old?

- Shivam. - Shivan?

Shivam, with an M.

Shivan with an M? That couldn't be with an M.

You mean it ends on an M?

- Yes. - That's not Shivan with an M.

That's Shivan with an S.

(Audience laughs)

Just call you what?

- Shiv. - Shiv.

Thanks, Shiv. Well there's no fucking M in there at all.

So don't do that when you're out.

"Just call me Shiv, with an M." "What?"

"Oh, yeah, it doesn't work."

(Jason babbles)

Shiv. Have you ever sat anything on fire, Shiv?

(Shivam) No, not recently.

OK. At the weekend, right,

I want you to set something on fire, and fucking run.

How many people in this room have set shit on fire and ran?

(Cheering) See?

The man in the third row, did you just go, fucking, "I did"?

What did you set on fire and run?

- Just loads of bushes. - Loads of bushes!

And what else?

Well, the fire crew came out.

A fire crew came out?

And you just hid.

- And watched them. - And you watched them.

(Audience laughs)

Sorry, Shiv. Hang on.

This might sound fucking weird, but this is normal to us.

Did you ever do that? Just setting something on fire

and running into your house, with fucking your eyebrows gone.

You just sat and had dinner with your family, as the...

(Mimics siren)

Your dad looking at you, going, "I'm gonna fucking kill you."

Anyway. So well done. Have I spoken to you before?

You're very familiar.

- No, you haven't. - Well...

Hang on. Your wife just said yeah.

I fucking love the women.

"You fucking have spoken to him, you halfwit."

"Have I?"

Has he, yeah, the lady?

(Woman) No. We saw you in Birmingham.

Oh, you saw me in Birmingham, but we didn't speak.

Well, well done. Doesn't matter. Well done. That's OK.

What the fuck am I talking about? I can't cope.

All right. Oh yeah, yeah. So everything on fire, right?

What they had to do then in the '80s,

and the British, we watched you do it first, right?

They had safety ads, right?

Safety ads on the telly,

because we were fucking loopers, right?

Because children weren't watched, do you know what I mean?

We needed like different things to cross the road.

We had to learn loads of shit and everything

in school and all cos our parents were never there.

We were just walking along to the edge of the road

with a huge snorkel jacket, right?

And when we looked left or right, that didn't move.

The hood just stayed.

Just crossed the road with your ear.

So they made these ads, right?

They were health and safety ads, right?

I don't if you remember this, this is the first British one.

Do you remember this? I don't know when they made it, right?

But it was years ago, and it was a kid with a Frisbee

and he fucks it into a pylon.

Loads of electrical pylons, right?

And the girl goes, "Don't go in there, Jimmy."

And he goes, "I've gotta get my Frisbee."

And we watched this shit when we were kids.

You wouldn't show this to adults now, cos you'd need fucking therapy

if you'd seen this horrific shit on the telly.

We just watched Scooby Doo,

and then this shit would come on afterwards, right?

Throw the Frisbee into the pylon.

The kid would go in and get it. Do you remember him touching the pylon?

He'd just fucking blow up, hit the ground, and he was on fire.

We're traumatised watching it.

And all you hear is, "Never, ever, ever play near pylons."

What the fuck? Jesus. And then it went on.

Ireland copied you. Ireland copied you with two of them.

Ireland copied you.

We had the one where there was a family playing football,

and an old person sitting on a deckchair near a river.

This is real. You can google this as well.

Sitting in a deckchair, river.

And they're playing football.

Then the kid stands up and he has his football, he goes,

"Oh, where's Granddad?"

And the chair's empty,

and Granddad's floating down face first.

And it goes, "Never ever have old people beside a river."

We're sitting there going, "Oh, my God, the man's dead!"

And your mother, remember your mother?

"And you'll end up like that as well,

"if you play near a fucking river with your granddad.

"Don't go near rivers, or you'll blow up like him as well

"with a Frisbee, like a Rice Krispie.

"You never, ever do that."

But look, the children, OK, they're safe.

The children are safe. Our children are safe.

Lot of people freaking out all the time,

cos all you ever hear is, "Oh, my God, there's paedophiles everywhere.

"Paedophiles everywhere. Don't let them out.

"They've gotta stay with us."

Right? OK. But look, granted when we were kids,

you remember in the '80s and all?

Like, it was different for us,

cos we went around in gangs, you know?

And we knew who the paedophiles were in our area.

They couldn't hide. We knew them. Remember that?

We're just walking down the street, we'd go,

"Oh, there's fucking Filthy Larry.

"You all right, Filthy Larry?

"Do you wanna touch me willy for a fiver, you fucking freak?"

"Fuck off. You're terrible children. Terrible."

But now, you know what I mean? Now, it's even safer,

cos paedophiles don't function like they used to.

Paedophiles go up to a kid and go, "What's your name?"

And the kid goes, "I identify as non-binary, right?"

And the paedophile goes, "I don't know who I'm fiddling,

"I'm going home. I can't do this.

"I don't know who's who or what's what. I give up."

But the kids, they're safe.

I mean, the most dangerous thing I see kids do now

is on electric scooters.

That's it. Right? The mad shit that we did.

That's all they're doing.

Oh, by the way, if you're young and you're on an electric scooter, OK,

Shiv, Shiv, Shiv, Shiv, right?

Tell your mates to fucking smile, will you?

They're so serious on those electric scooters,

just going down...

Look, they are the best craic ever. If we had them in the '80s,

we would've been laughing our fecking heads off.

Can you imagine? Just pulling up unannounced to your mates.

"Oh, my God, this is electric. Isn't this brilliant?"

We'd go, "Get on it. Get on it. See how many we can get on.

"See how many we can get on."

It would've been like the fucking record breakers.

Do you remember, with the motorbike pyramid people?

(Audience laughs)

Just loads of us going down the road on a scooter.

"Fucking brilliant. Keep it together, lads.

"Keep it together. Corner. Corner."

All you lot are doing now is vaping. That's it. You know?

I have a 16-year-old. "I'm not vaping."

You fucking are. I know you're vaping,

cos I smell the strawberries. How dangerous.

So look, look, well done for everybody for being alive.

Yes. And it was hard. Look, it was hard for me as well.

Do you know what I mean? I had the hardest job of all.

I was, get this, I was an altar boy in the '80s

in Catholic Ireland.

Can you fecking imagine that? I know. I can hear it. Yeah.

Jesus Christ Almighty.

Avoiding priest cocks in those days

was the same as your man avoiding fucking bullets

in The Matrix, right?

(Audience laughs)

Where's Father MacMurphy.

Sorry, sorry.

So listen. Was anybody here altar boys or altar girls?

Not gonna get into that? Sorry, Jason?

- I was a choirboy. - You were choir?

You were choirboy. Thank you.

Everything I ask you, you're not the thing.

Thanks, Jase.

You're from Cardiff? Yes. Really? Well done.

"Any altar boys?" "The choir."

So, you weren't an altar boy, then? Didn't serve mass?

No, just in the choir.

Thanks, Jase.

Anyway, me dad, hang on. Get me dad up.

Fuck, I forgot to show you this. This is from Ireland.

This was a drink-driving ad.

(Audience laughs)

Read that. I'll explain it.

This is gearsticks. It goes one, two, three, four.

Don't have that fifth pint.

Well done, the fucking Irish.

Imagine a fellow falling out the car in front of a cop?

"Did you have five?" "No, just the four."

Jesus. This PowerPoint is going to shit.

Sorry, I'm gonna find me fucking dad. Right?

Oh, fuck. That's not me dad either. OK.

Sorry. Oh yeah. Right. This.

So I know, I know. I shouldn't.

I can feel people coming into the room, and they seen that going,

"Oh, lovely. Play Your Cards Right."

I know. It's brilliant. OK, another thing that we did, sorry.

So this is Play Your Cards Right.

This was on a Saturday night, maybe a Friday. I don't know.

Look at the pedantic people.

"Fucking get it right. It was a Friday."

Basically, Bruce Forsyth, you might remember him.

He had a chin. You don't know him, OK? Doesn't matter.

He's dead now. But God bless him. We loved him.

And he was like, "Good game, good game, good game."

All of that, fucking did everything.

And basically we would watch these cards. Do you remember this?

We watched these cards. They would go higher or lower.

That's how it would work, right? And we watched that on a Friday night.

Do you remember sitting on the carpet?

Your dad's in the chair, and the whole family just going,

"Higher, lower, higher, higher, lower. Ooh."

So they all know what the ooh is.

That's when a card would match or be wrong. Like, "Ooh."

And then that was it. He had to go and start again.

So, right. So here we go. So watch this.

Watch this, girls and Henry.

They'll all know what to do.

So first card, you know, it's higher or lower as we go along.

They'll go higher or lower. They'll shout them, right? OK.

Let's have a look at the first card.

Oh, it's Ted Bundy. Serial killer. It's quite a high card.

Ted Bundy. Higher or lower than Ted Bundy?

(Audience) Lower.

Oh, lower than Ted Bundy, you say? Oh, it's Prince Andrew.

Oh, sorry. You went bust there.

Sorry about that.

(Audience laughs)

Cards didn't suit them.

Obviously, Prince Andrew is more evil than Ted Bundy.

You finish that off later on, that game.

I'm so sorry for doing that.

The poor young people. We've done like, Tales Of The Unexpected,

we've talked about Ivor the Engine.

Fucking all sorts of shite in front of the telly.

Then Play Your Cards Right.

Look, we've done all that. There's probably no point in me talking

about Jeremy Beadle, right?

(Audience laughs)

Sorry, I know you don't know who this is.

The young people and the young lady, you don't know.

You're completely mystified.

He had one big hand and a little hand.

And it was, "Watch out, Beadle's about."

(Jason mimics tune)

He dressed as a policeman and pushed your van into a river.

(Audience laughs)

With his little hand. Not his big hand.

Oh, my God. I sound like Tommy Cooper.

Oh, my God, d'you remember him? Fucking you're welcome.

Google him as well.

Tommy Cooper, a magician with just a hat.

And that's what we laughed at on Saturday night.

A man going...

(Imitates Tommy Cooper)

We were just finished going, "Higher, lower, higher, lower."

Click over.

"Just like that.

"Spoon, jar, jar, jar, spoon.

"Jar, spoon, spoon, spoon. Jar, jar.

"Spoon, spoon, spoon."

That's the fucking shit we thought was funny.

Oh, my God, what the fuck am I doing?

Jeremy Beadle.

Do you reckon he used his little hand? Do you reckon?

Makes the willy look bigger.

# Watch out, Beadle's about... #

Oh, my God... So immature. So immature.

So I was looking for pictures of my fucking dad,

and that happened.

Yeah, that's what I was doing. So where's my dad?

There he is. Right. There's Paddy Byrne.

(Audience) Aw!

I know, I know. He's a great fella. Right?

We spoke about my dad before, right?

Just in case people don't know, his name's Paddy Byrne.

He passed away in 2020. And I called him the Paddy Lama.

And I did a play about him as well, called the Paddy Lama Shed Talks,

where I actually played my dad in a shed.

Not in that shed, but in a shed, right?

And you can see how the shed works there.

And I did this show in Edinburgh,

and afterwards Americans, they seen the picture and they said,

"Oh, my God, what did your father build in the shed?"

And I went, "What do you mean?

"He's standing there, smoking, drinking whiskey

"and singing Perry Como. That's what my dad did."

So if you went to my mother's kitchen

and stood in the kitchen and you looked right down,

you'd just see the shed with bits of smoke coming out of it.

And all you'd hearing in the fucking distance

is just him on his own going,

(Hums 'Magic Moments')

There's no lyrics. Your dad never knew any lyrics.

Just "Ba-bum," right?

So it's great. And your dad's job, as well.

And still your dad's job now, if your dad's around,

is the same mad shit, is to walk into a situation,

say mad shit and leave.

So, I was living with my mum and dad when Lady Diana died.

I was living with them.

I remember my dad was on the piss the night before,

and he came into the kitchen.

We were all sitting down having our breakfast.

And me dad sat down with his porridge and all.

He went, "Oh, I can't believe Diana's dead.

"It's so sad. So sad."

And my mother went, "I know, it's awful, Paddy,

"isn't it awful?"

And on my life, me dad said,

"I can't believe Pavarotti killed Diana," he says.

My mam went, "What did you say, Paddy?"

"Pavarotti. Can't believe he killed her."

My mam went, "The paparazzi, you fecking eejit, Paddy.

"Not Pavarotti."

My dad went, "Oh, you're fucking joking.

"I told all the lads in the pub it was fucking Pavarotti."

My poor dad.

He never meant any harm. And you know what he did?

Oh, my God. He worked for Guinness, in Dublin.

OK. I don't know. You weren't from Dublin, the Irish?

You were from Dublin? Sorry, which part of Dublin? Where you from?

- (Man) Us? - Us?

- (Woman shouts) - What's happened?

Are you definitely the Irish people? You're still Irish, yeah?

- Clonsilla. - Clonsilla.

OK. That's kind of posh.

A bit rough as well, though.

- Yeah, yeah. - "Yeah, yeah, yeah," says LA.

"Yeah, that's very rough."

What did you work at, the Isle of Man fella?

(Man) I'm from the Isle of Man. Didn't work there.

(Audience laughs)

I'm glad we have cameras on this crowd.

The Isle of Man fella, what did you work at?

"The Isle of Man. I worked there."

Is that what you said?

No, I said I'm from the Isle of Man.

- Yes. - Don't work there.

(Woman) He DIDN'T work there.

Is this a grammar night?

"Not that you DON'T work there. You DIDN'T work there.

"Sick of the grammar in this room.

"It's all over the fucking place."

Who's the lady speaking for him?

(Woman chuckles)

(Man) My friend's girlfriend.

Ooh!

This whole room just turned into EastEnders.

What the hell happened there? "My friend's girlfriend."

"That's right. I'll be speaking for the whole group tonight."

Do you know what's amazing?

The women are just fantastic in this room.

It's only the men that do fucking stupid shit.

Look, I've said this before.

Have you seen the rise in fucking old lesbians?

They're fucking everywhere. Just meeting outside of church going,

"Do you wanna be a lesbian, Margaret?"

"I'd fucking love to be a lesbian.

"I'm sick of that fat fucking hairy bastard

"rubbing his knob all over my towels."

(Audience laughs)

Sorry.

"He's just always at himself. He's always at himself.

"Sitting there in front of the telly, he's at himself every second.

"What are you doing, at yourself?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Get your hand off your willy. You're always at yourself."

"I'm just moving them around.

"You'd move it around

"if you had something on the outside as well.

"It gets hot in one spot.

"Keep moving it around."

"You're fucking at yourself."

"I wish you were at it.

"It'd spruce the night up if you were fucking at it."

My God, I'm so sorry. What the hell happened?

All I said was my dad worked for Guinness in Dublin.

Which he does. Oh, God. And my dad told me...

You gotta all ask your mums and dads these stories

before they die, because I asked my dad,

"Why didn't you tell me this story before?"

And he said, "Well, you never asked me."

That's what they're like, right? So my dad told me this story.

He worked for Guinness in Dublin, right?

Used to be a cooper. That's what he did.

He used to make wooden barrels, right, in his 20s.

And he told me this story. He said, "Modern technology kicked in,

"and all the coopers, they were all replaced.

"All their jobs were replaced with metal kegs, beer kegs.

"And so the coopers didn't have anything to do,

"but because the Guinness union was so strong,

"they couldn't sack the coopers.

"It wasn't their fault."

So my dad said it was just loads of men

just wandering around Guinness with nothing to do,

hundreds of them in their overalls,

just standing having cigarettes, looking at the sky.

So Guinness had to put them into different sections

in Guinness just to give them something to do.

So my dad said he was put into the gas plant,

because obviously Guinness needs gas.

He's put in the gas plant, right?

Shoved in there, and my dad said to me, he goes,

"There was six of us around one button,

"six of us looking at one button."

This is so Irish. This is what my dad said they did.

"Five of them," he said, "would go to the pub,

"and one fella would watch the button."

And they'd take turns over the day, right? And this happened in 1986.

While my dad was down the hill away from Guinness

in the pub with his mates,

that part of the Guinness blew up, the fucking gas section.

All the gas cylinders blew up out onto the road.

The walls, the place was fucked.

So my dad said, cos there was no phones in those days,

he had no idea it happened.

So my dad and his mates came out of the pub

in their overalls, seen the smoke, full of drink.

And they went, "Oh, we better go up and see what happened."

My dad said he went up and there was a fireman there

and he was putting out the fire, right?

And my dad looked at him and went, "What's happened? What's happened?"

And the fireman said to my dad,

"Stand back. There's been a huge gas explosion. Stand back.

"And we think there's five fellas buried in the rubble in there."

This is a real story.

And then me dad, being as cheeky as he was, he goes,

"Do you want a hand looking for them?"

And the fireman goes, "Yeah."

And me dad goes, "No problem. One, two, three, four, five."

And then me dad went, "Oh, no, wait. Mick Murphy."

Cos there had to be one fella at the button. And me dad said,

just as he said, "Mick Murphy's in there,"

he's seen Mick Murphy walking up the road, right?

With a newspaper under his arm. This is real.

Mick Murphy was off having a shit

in the other end of Guinness. And that's why it blew up,

cos nobody was watching the button.

And here's the best part of the story.

The six of those men got compensation from Guinness.

(Audience applauds)

For an explosion they weren't even fucking in.

Oh, God. We have to love our parents, don't we?

I mean, our mams and that, we love them. Do you know what I mean?

And there's a lot of people moving back in with their mams and dads.

That's happening now because price... the houses are really dear.

People are saving up. Rent is really dear, right?

This is happening now in Dublin. The rent in Dublin.

And I know London here, it's insane as well.

So, they can't afford it.

And so, on the news in Ireland a couple of months ago,

there was a family standing outside the rental accommodation,

and the journalist was asking how it was all going.

And she said, "Well, it's not going great."

"We're gonna have to move out. and move in with my parents."

The lady said, "I've got a really good job,

"and my husband has a good job,

"but the rent is too high, we just can't do it."

And then the lady says, "So I'm gonna have to move in.

"I haven't moved home, I haven't lived there for about 15 years.

"My husband's never lived there, obviously.

"He barely knows my mum and dad."

And she pointed at her kids and said, "My kids are five and three,

"they've been raised in this house,

"and they'll have to go and live with my mum and dad."

And then she says, "It's gonna be very stressful

"on my little family trying to live with my mum and dad."

And I thought,

"Well, I'd love to hear your fucking mam and dad's point of view,

"you miserable bitch," right?

How do they feel about you moving in?

Can you imagine your dad getting that call?

Just putting the phone down and going,

"Oh, for fuck's sake. They're moving in, Mary.

"They're coming here. Oh, Jesus.

"And the husband, he doesn't even fucking say anything.

"I can't believe this, Mary. This is a disaster.

"And we're only after buying the S&M gear, Mary,

"for God's sake."

Your mam walks into the kitchen with a red gag ball

in her mouth, leather bra with her nipples sticking through,

crotchless leather knickers, right?

With a metal bar clamped onto her knees.

(Audience laughs)

"You're fucking joking, Paddy.

"I'm only after start to enjoy myself.

"And, Paddy, that leather suit is on upside down.

"The hole is for your cock,

"and the zipper's for your face."

"Oh, you're fucking joking, Mary.

"I thought this was for looking out of.

"I've had to use a bottle of talcum powder

"trying to get into this fucking thing."

And then a couple of hours pass,

and the fucking family, the daughter arrives,

and your mam and dad are still dressed up.

Can you imagine the door going, your dad just answering, "Er..."

And the daughter going, "Oh, my God, Dad,

"what the hell you wearing? Where's Mum?"

"Erm, your mother.

"She's out in the shed hanging up by her fanny.

"I'll go and get her.

"Mary!"

"What is it?"

"The kids are here."

"I haven't even put the fucking dinner on."

I'm so sorry.

That's so hard to do with that picture of me fucking dad behind me.

So listen, listen, listen.

(Clapping)

That man just clapped that. "Fair fucking play to you."

Well done with the S&M stuff. That's gold. Don't know.

I shouldn't do that with the young people.

They're gonna go... Where the fuck did she go?

Was I hanging out of my fanny thing, and then she fucking snuck off?

I was going like this. And she went, "Go, quick. Escape."

- What happened to her? - Sorry, she really needs a wee.

Oh, she really needs a wee? Oh, my God. That's all right.

Is she all right? Yeah, she'll be back soon.

- Hope so! - Oh, you hope so.

Thanks for looking after her.

Is that your girlfriend, Henry, who went?

- No. - (Women) They're together.

Oh, they're together. And you're a couple.

- Oh, no. - (Woman) We're just friends.

You're just friends.

I don't know how it works anymore. Whoever.

..fuckin' offending anybody anymore.

Not how it works. Listen.

This has been a fucking very strange gig to record.

You know what I mean? This is gonna be brilliant.

Fucking people going, "Yeah, that was some night all right."

So here, Dan, we just had you last, but we're gonna do this...

We'll do that little shadow dance, I think, to end.

Come on up. Dan's getting up again. Give Dan a round of applause.

(Applause) That'll do.

And, Henry, you know how to do it now.

Up gets Henry. Now Henry knows how to do the dance.

So this is what we're gonna do. This is good.

This is a good ending, right?

Dan, you've been absolutely... This is Henry, by the way.

Graphic designer!

So look. This is good.

So what we're gonna do is we're gonna do...

Here... What the fuck is this?

Oh my God, he has his own spot. Well done, theatre!

This is what we're gonna do, right?

My God, I have to find the fucking thing again.

Oh, there it is. Right. OK, here we go. Right.

So this is what we're gonna do.

So we're gonna do this for our mental health.

This is where it's good. I know people are going, "Fuck that shit,"

but you will love this, right?

So when you get up, we're all gonna leave anyway.

We're all gonna get up,

we're all gonna do the shadow dance together, right?

Cos we're recording this.

It's gonna look fucking fantastic.

But you're going to love it,

because what I want you to do is put someone in your head

that you fucking hate, right?

Someone you hate or something you hate, or something in your life

that you just want outta your life,

and we're gonna replace the lyrics or replace the song.

We're gonna put our own lyrics in, which will be very simply like this.

It's just gonna be, just as loud as you can,

because it's artistic, you're just gonna go,

# Cunt, cunt, cunt You are a cunt, cunt, cunt

# You are a cunt, cunt, cunt You are a cunt. #

OK, gonna be very easy,

and you'll be able to sing it in the dark, right?

So everyone just stand up where you are.

Actually, come on, we're leaving anyway. Come on, London.

Fair play to you, come on, get up here.

Oh, my God, this is gonna be fucking brilliant, right?

Are you ready, lads? Henry, get in closer.

Fuck it. I'll get down here. Oh yeah, this is gonna be brilliant.

All right, so are we all ready?

We can all sing it together, right? OK, hit the music.

Get the hands up, everyone, get the hands up.

Oh yeah, this looks very Tales Of The Unexpected.

Oh, brilliant. Now just think of someone you don't like,

and here we go.

And wait a second. Two, three.

# Cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt

# You are a cunt, cunt, cunt You are a cunt, cunt, cunt... #

Keep it going.

# You are a cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt

# Cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt You are... #

Give it up for the boys!

(Audience applauds)

Hold the hands, lads. Hold the hands.

Give them a fucking cheer.

(Audience cheers)

Come on, Henry, go down as well. Dan, take it.

Please keep clapping for Dan and Rebecca,

all of our young people here as well.

Young person down here, don't forget our Irish people,

the couple of Irish people over here.

The son over there. The Glaswegian.

The lady near Glaswe... Shiv with an M. Shiv with an M.

The fucking doctors, the nurses, the Isle of Man.

Give it up for the Isle of Man.

Oh, my God. And Jason. He's here every year. Go on, Jase.

I love yous. Thanks a million, London.

Good night. Good night. Good night.

(Audience applauds)

Thanks a million.

(Tales Of The Unexpected Theme)

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com

(elephant trumpets)

(Audience laughs)