All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S23E07.iNTERNAL.480p.x264-mSD.

♪ It seems today that all you see
is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

[all]
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

[all]
♪ He's a family guy ♪

Oh, it was nice of the brewery
to host this Oktoberfest.

Yeah, they wanted to support
the community

and hopefully win back
some of the market share

-they lost to fentanyl.
-Those come in rainbow now.

Yeah, I reposted an article
about that on Facebook

and said "FYI," so I basically
saved the children.

This festival's kind of weird.

How did Germans even come up
with Oktoberfest?

[German accent]
So, guys, turns out everybody hates us

for all our world wars,
et cetera.

We need to do something
that shows

we are fun and silly,
and not human exterminators.

What about beer, pretzels,

und horns that go
"oompa oompa"?

That's good. Very good.

Yes, that, and little square
mustaches because--

No more mustaches!

Meg, check it out.

A make-your-own-sausage station.

Are you supposed to be
touching that?

Ha, they look like little poops--

Aah!

You must make me whole again.

Never mind, this is my destiny!

Hey, look, a chiropractor.

I could actually use
an adjustment.

Oh, let's see how you turn this
into a brag.

I hurt my back reading
screenplays for a competition.

Finish the sentence.

-That I paid to be a judge in.
-There you go.

-Hello.
-Cha-ching!

I mean, hello. Would you guys
like an adjustment?

-I'll take one.
-Not me. I think you're a quack.

I also do colonic
irrigation therapy.

I'll take a pamphlet.

[sniffs]

This head hole smells like spit.

Don't worry, I always give it
one lazy wipe between patients.

Now, I'm gonna ask you
some questions

I can steer
into any direction I need.

-Do you ever feel tired?
-I do.

And if you go a few hours
between meals,

do you ever feel
like you need to eat again?

Yeah, like, every day.

That's a big problem nowadays.

I have some very expensive
supplements that'll help.

-[cracks]
-Whoa. That feels great.

Yeah, that good feeling will last

right until you get into your car.

-Here's your bill.
-$700?

That covers the consultation,
evaluation, diagnosis,

adjustment, supplements
and a fart surcharge.

-I didn't fart.
-You did.

People always do.
Or maybe I did.

Either way, I'll just bill it
to your insurance.

Man, I can't believe-- [farts]

-Oh, there it is.
-[chiropractor] Told you.

Did you see how much
that chiropractor charged?

I could do
the same thing he did.

You could, and that's not
a compliment.

His degree was
from a Margaritaville.

Should... should we become
chiropractors?

Already on it. "Siri,
how do I become a chiropractor?"

[Siri]
Do you want to be a doctor,

but don't like to read books?

-Yes.
-Congratulations.

You are now a chiropractor.

Mailing certification
and teeth whitening kit now.

Oh, that was easy.

Yeah, thank God.

I needed a new job,
and it was either this

or become a family photographer.

[announcer 1]
Is your son just the cutest,

and are you eager to capture
that precious sliver of time?

Well, at Son in Front
of a Tree Photography,

we capture
these memories for you

by photographing your son
in front of a tree

in a park that's close
to my house.

Put him in a shirt that he hates

and watch him lean, climb,
or sit in front of a tree.

Hold his arms as he jumps
into the air in front of a tree.

Sure, he bit you for making him
take off his Spider-Man shoes,

but wait until you see

this photo of him
resting on his hands

in front of a tree.

We'll even take one

of the parents
in front of the tree.

Because at Son in Front
of a Tree Photography,

we capture memories
that'll last a lifetime.

And years later,

when that same son is
forced out of college

for a team hazing scandal,

you'll look at the photos
of your son in front of a tree

and wonder if that monster was
always inside him.

Yeah, probably.

He bit you
for taking off his shoes.

Call today.

[announcer 2]
May not ever receive photos.

God, the prizes at these things
are such junk.

I want one. Peter, win me a toy.

What? Why?

'Cause I'm
New-England-lady drunk.

Either you win me a stupid
stuffed something,

or I'm gonna start naming
ex-boyfriends who would've.

Great, everybody,
get ready to hear

who made First Team All-Dirtbag.

Tom Hambley would've
had me double-fisting

highly-flammable
bootleg SpongeBobs by now.

Yeah, didn't he also whip it out
to your mom before your prom?

He said he mistimed
how far away he was

from our hallway bathroom.
Just throw the ball.

I would,
but my elbow's acting up.

Old injury from
The Late Night Wars.

I'll win you one
of them things, Lois.

Oh, no, it's Mikey Bagshaw,

Lois' ex-boyfriend with
shamrock tattoos on both calves.

You're allowed here?

Yeah, there ain't
no schools close.

Then I guess
it's your move, Peter.

This is really testing me.

I wonder what my old karate
sensei would want me to do.

Take your sneakers off, Peter.
You can't wear them on the mats.

But they light up, Sensei.

Put them in the cubbies. Geez,
every class with this clown.

[strains]

[laughter]

[laughs] He throws like a girl!

Come on, people don't say that
anymore, dude.

The correct term is he throws
like a Chalamet, probably.

And on behalf of everyone
at Channel 5,

we'd like to apologize
for the pornography

that aired during
our cooking segment.

There are a lot
of very funny people

who are good at computers,
and we can't stop them.

All right, who's ready
for The Last of Us?

I love zombie shows
about shrub overgrowth.

Chris, move,
you're sitting in my spot.

Yeah, I think
I'm gonna be sitting

wherever I want
from now on, chief.

What? Where am I
supposed to sit?

Kind of not my problem, chief.

Did you just double "chief" me?

-That's right, chief.
-Triple?

Is this 'cause of the throw?

Well, technically,
it didn't qualify as a throw.

It fell somewhere between a roll
and a... [grunts weakly]

Come on,
barely anybody saw that.

I'm sure it'll all blow over.

And now in "Ha-Ha,
Look At This Guy" news,

ha-ha, look at this guy.

[grunts weakly]

[crowd laughing]

Aw, rats.

If that isn't an indication
of how poorly

someone's penis works,
I don't know what is.

Is this my fault, Peter?

Is it 'cause I made you
watch Ted Lasso?

You know, maybe sports shows

should be about sports
instead of feelings.

-Look, it's not that big a deal.
-It is, though.

I always knew
you were overweight,

but I thought you were
at least athletic fat.

I told people you were
a good fat, like an avocado.

Now, I don't know what you are.

Okay, I see that
I don't have the support

of my family on this,
but at least I have my friends.

I'm gonna see if they
want to meet at The Clam.

-[phone whooshing]
-They said they're busy.

I see GIFs of people
without genitals.

That means busy.

Does this mean
you're a beta dad now?

No, Chris. But I want you
to know that I heard you.

Your feelings are valid,
and thank you-- Oh, God, I am.

Aw, now I'm gonna
have to hang out

at the beta dad headquarters,

the farmers' market.

This isn't spicy, is it?

No, sir, it's a strawberry.

Hmm, I better not.
I can't do spicy.

I can't believe you guys
got this business

started so quickly.

Yeah, we found the perfect spot
with zero available parking,

and the rest
just fell into place.

Chris, do you know
what the most important part

of working
in a busy doctor's office is?

-The patients?
-Nope.

Taking care of the tropical fish

that's impossible
to take care of.

Why is it swimming upside down?

I don't know. Sometimes it sinks,
sometimes it floats,

and sometimes it does that.
All are bad.

There's a number
taped to the desk.

That's Eric, our tropical fish guy.
He's gonna be your best friend.

Call him whenever
it does anything.

Do everything Eric says.

None of it will work,
but trust me, he's the best.

It flipped back over.

Why are you telling me?
Tell Eric.

Remember, Peter,
it's not drinking alone

as long as you have
Popsicle Peter with you.

[high-pitched voice]
Help.

He only uses me
to scratch his icky parts.

[normal voice] Shut up
and get to work in there.

Uh-oh, look who's here.

What the hell?
You guys said you had plans,

but you're here drinking?

And you're in my spot,
Cleveland.

Yep. Think I'm gonna be sitting

wherever I want
from now on, chief.

Sorry, we didn't want
people thinking

we were noodle-armed
by association.

Yeah, my arms
are literally all I have.

How do you not know
how to throw?

I never learned.

My dad was always working
when I was a kid,

and when he'd get home, he
always said he had a headache.

That was back before everyone
carried metal water bottles,

so no one drank water,
and all adults had headaches.

My only friends
were day raccoons,

who are the most social
of all raccoons.

They're the ones
who taught me how to throw.

So, that's why
I throw bad for a guy,

but really good for a raccoon.

-Is all that true?
-I don't know.

I've had
several cases of rabies,

so memories are hard for me.

All I know is that I've spent
the rest of my life

avoiding scenarios
where I got to throw.

Didn't you go
to Red Sox fantasy camp?

And I swear I've seen you
having a catch

with Chris
out on your front lawn.

Yeah, that was my stunt double.

He's the fat guy who dresses up
like me at Comic-Con.

He wants to interview me as me,

and I'm just like, dude, no.

Excuse me,
are you Peter Griffin?

That depends.
Are you classlessly serving

a legal document
for Jason Sudeikis?

No, I do promotions
for a local minor league team,

the Quahog Blowholes.

Ah, yes, then I'm Peter.

I wanted to invite you
to throw out

a ceremonial first pitch
this weekend.

What? You know
he can't throw, right?

Yes, that's why we want him.

Minor league baseball
needs gimmicks to attract fans.

You guys remember the story
about that chimpanzee umpire?

The one what ate up
all them fans' faces?

Yup. That was me.

Anyway, we think you'd make
the perfect gimmick, Peter.

I'll do it.

What? You're gonna
embarrass yourself again.

This time on a bigger stage.

So? Did Batgirl just give up

when everyone said
her movie stunk?

-Uh, yes. Very publicly, yes.
-Oh.

Well, I'm not Batgirl.

I am gonna throw out
that first pitch,

and it's gonna be
a perfect strike.

I love confident idiots.
It's why I bought a Tesla.

See you this weekend.

What are you doing?

You can't just learn
how to throw in a couple days.

Hey, anything is possible.

Stanley Tucci's
a sex symbol now.

You ever watch a guy
with a bald head

and super hairy arms
cook zucchini?

[Lois]
Oh, yeah!

You like this apron?

It's a women's medium,

and it comes off real easy.

[Lois growls]
Tucci!

Wow, you are so tight.
Do you sit a lot?

Sitting's the silent killer.

No, I stand quite often.

And that's
your problem right there.

Standing's the silent killer.

I actually mix it up
pretty good.

Variety, the silent killer.

I can't believe how well
this is going, Brian.

Please, call me Doctor B.

"Doctor," then one initial?

We must be doing very well.

Permission to speak like
a human fist bump?

-Granted.
-We are passing "Go."

We are collecting $200.
We are...

[singsongy]
crushing!

You have a couple of
energy drinks

today there, Doctor B?

Had a few no-breakfast
Monsters. Yep.

Eyes a little shaky.
Feeling a little, uh, scared.

All right, yeah,
you go take a walk.

I'll take the next patient.
Chris, who's next?

Chris?

What the hell?

Chris opened his own office.

Hey, Doctor S,

my ears are still kinda ringing

from that adjustment.

You said you drank
a soda once, right?

Sugar, the silent killer.

[grunts]

I guess I'm always just gonna
be one of those guys

who throws like a girl.

-[shouts]
-[Meg] You wish you threw like a girl.

Meg?

You're gonna throw out
that first pitch, Dad,

and I'm gonna teach you.

Ha-ha-ha, much laughter

and exaggerated scenarios ahead.

[announcer]
This joke was written by AI

while the writers
were on strike.

Hey, listen. Thanks
for teaching me how to throw,

but why are you helping me?

Because you're my dad.

And also because
your last display

was really embarrassing.

I just didn't know you were
so good at sports, Meg.

Are you serious?

I won a state championship
with my basketball team.

I went to the Olympics in Korea.

Yeah, I don't
watch the Meg episodes.

So, you don't know
anything about me?

Yeah, I gotta be honest,
I've got

a lot of passwords to remember,

so I'm-I'm always
cycling through those.

Don't mind me,
just grabbing my cigarettes

from their elaborate
hiding spot.

Did you know Meg played sports?

Oh, yeah?

When?

Ugh, like my whole life.

There's trophies in my room.

Cool. Good for you.

That's a relief.

I put the magnesium in the bag.

Start with two before bed,

and if your stomach
tolerates it, go to three.

Thanks, Doctor C.
You know your fish

is swimming upside down, right?

Yeah, it's
a water temperature thing,

I think. I hope.

What the hell, Chris?

You stole our clients.

So what? A lot of those people

came to you with real problems

and you just
exploited them for money.

Yeah, that's the whole
chiropractic model.

Well, I figured
I could actually help them,

and take their money.

What do you even know about
being a chiropractor?

Enough to look at your posture

and know that you sit
for a living.

Oh, damn, he's good.

Look, I know you guys are upset.

Yes, we are competitors, but
if you really think about it,

you'll see that
our stories are the same

because we're both trying to...

-help people!
-[cracks]

-[farts]
-[laughing] There.

Now your legs are even.

Whoa. How'd you do that?

By caring.

That's the one thing
you can't fake.

-Good luck, guys.
-[phone rings]

Chris' Chiropractic,
how may I health you?

Oh, hi, Eric.

Yeah, it's upside down again.

Dude, I did all that.

Okay, Dad.

I thought one way to
get you throwing

would be to get tips from

one of the best pitchers
of all time, Roger Clemens.

Hi, Peter.

Wow, I can't believe
The Rocket is gonna help me.

The first thing
you're gonna wanna do

-is grip the ball like this.
-Okay, cool.

Then you're gonna wanna find
the right place on your ass

to inject yourself, allegedly.

-What?
-If I did this

while I was playing,
I would've shoved it

right through
my thick Texas jeans.

But I did not do this
while I was playing.

-Can we go back to the grip--
-Rocket!

Then, when you're done,

make sure to
discard your needles safely.

If I had ever done this,
which I did not,

I would've discarded them
in the top drawer

of my wife's dresser,
in between her underwear

and necklaces,
or her gym bag, allegedly.

Any place that isn't yours
and is hers works.

Your forehead vein is pulsing.

That's what veins do,
you nimrod.

Now, we wait.

Then, once you bite through
your own tooth,

you know you're ready to pitch.

[straining]

[shouts]

Let's bean some Orioles!

So, I was talking to Mom,

and she told me
that part of your problem

might be performance anxiety.

Yeah, what context
was this brought up in?

The one you're thinking.

She said sometimes
watching someone else

do it first helps.

So, I invited Cleveland over
to do it with Mom

while you watch from this stool.

-[grunts]
-Ow.

Want me to slow it down?

Oh, don't you dare.

I can take harder.

-Oh, yeah. Thank you.
-Damn, you know how to catch it, girl.

-Oh, yeah, thank you. Oh, keep it going.
-Yeah, catch it! Catch it!

-Oh, you are gonna split me in half!
-Catch it with your leg out!

[Cleveland]
You wanna hop in, Pete?

[Lois]
No, he goes last

-when my mitt's the loosest.
-[sighs]

You okay, Dad?

No. I never figured my life
would end up like this

when I was getting my picture
taken in front of that tree.

[announcer]
Son in Front of a Tree Photography.

No one would ever guess

your boy would grow up
to be a world-class cuck.

Why are we sitting on the field?

Because I think your biggest
hurdle might be your mind.

I read that some pitchers
have thrown their best games

while on LSD.

So let's do LSD.

Yeah, okay.

We had empty stomachs,

so the drugs kicked in
pretty quick.

I never learned
to throw that day,

but we got scared by
a faucet and pooped ourselves

in an Exxon station.

I saw my whole life's timeline

that afternoon,
and it was beautiful.

Now, it's my 92nd birthday
and I'm on a sailboat

about to drink
a CVS-brand euthanasia cocktail.

If you compare it to the name-
brand euthanasia cocktails,

it's the same ingredients
for half the cost.

In the future, we all die
dignified deaths on sailboats.

So, that's why we guarantee

that our cracks are 30% louder

than that whack-job next door.

How do you measure that?

With doctor things. Let's start.

Wow, that was your C4 vertebra.

Ah, that was your L-M-N-O-P.

Take your time getting up.

If you feel dizzy,
it's probably from the vaccine.

[announcer] Chiropractors,
show me one who's vaccinated.

No, we don't validate parking,

but if you buy a coffee
down the block, they will.

[man farts]

-Doctor B. Doctor S.
-Doctor C.

Saw you put a pink salt lamp
in your window.

I guess you're
dabbling in witchcraft now.

Nope, just good air quality.

I heard you're still not paying
for Pandora Premium,

so your music has commercials.

That sounds relaxing.

Relaxing enough to be
fully booked this weekend.

Except for
the lady who canceled

because Brian
followed her on Instagram

right after her appointment.

Client outreach fail.

[tires screech]

Hi, we're from the Department
of Health and Human Services.

We've been asked
to investigate your businesses

for medical and insurance fraud.

We can go in
and grab your files,

or you can grab them for us.

Quick "quesh."
Do you guys have agents

on the back side
of the building?

-We do.
-Ah, a perimeter. Good.

How'd you catch us?

The same thing
that gets every chiropractor.

The inflated, phony charges,

and the sports cars
with vanity license plates.

Figured you were either
chiros or drug dealers.

We'll give you five minutes
to collect your tropical fish.

Oh, those are long dead.

I know you're nervous, Dad,
but you can do this.

No, it's not that.

Do you think I have to shower
with the team afterwards?

You need to focus, Dad.
Look at me.

When you step out there,
it's just you, the ball,

and 2,000 people
who are counting on you to fail.

And if there's one thing I know
about being your daughter,

it's that when
someone's counting on you,

you always let them down.

So, are you gonna
give them what they want?

Or are you gonna go out there
and disappoint them?

I only know one way.

[announcer] And now, to throw out
our ceremonial first pitch,

please welcome to the field,

Peter "Never Heard of
Taylor Swift" Griffin.

Who?

Good luck,
see you in the showers.

Individual stalls with
smoked-glass doors?

Nope. Big, echoey,
1960s johnson-danglers.

[grunts on video]

[crowd laughing]

-Strike! Damn it.
-[crowd groans]

Whoo! He did it!

[Peter] Ow!

I can't believe it.
I threw a passable strike.

You're the only one
who believed in me, Meg.

Are you okay?

Your arm is backwards
and feels very hot.

Good job, Peter.

I guess you don't
throw like a girl anymore.

No.

That's exactly
what I throw like.

Time for a victory lap.

♪ Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la-la ♪

Is that how he really runs?

I'll, uh, we'll...
we'll work on that.

[♪ Feel-good rock music playing,
John Mellencamp "Small Town"]

[Peter] A lot of people
remembered my pitch that day.

I'll remember it as the last day

it was called "Quahog Stadium."

The next day, they changed
the name to "Porn Hub Field."

Called the team the "Jacks."

People say America's changed,

but I still think
it's pretty great.

♪ Well, I was born
in a small town... ♪

[♪ organ playing
"Take Me Out to the Ball Game"]

Where do you think
you're going, Griffin?

No one leaves without
hitting the showers first.

Can I wear my gym shorts?

No. We gotta see it.

That's baseball.