All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S23E07.1080p.WEB.H264-SuccessfulCrab

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in
movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy. ♪

It was nice of the brewery
to host this Oktoberfest.

Yeah, they wanted to
support the community

and hopefully win back
some of the market share

- they lost to fentanyl.
- Those come in rainbow now.

Yeah, I reposted an article
about that on Facebook

and said "FYI," so I
basically saved the children.

This festival's kind of weird.

How did Germans even
come up with Oktoberfest?

So, guys,

turns out everybody hates us

for all our world
wars, et cetera.

We need to do
something that shows

we are fun and silly, and
not human exterminators.

What about beer, pretzels,

und horns that go "oompa oompa"?

That's good. Very good.

Yes, that, and little
square mustaches because...

No more mustaches!

Meg, check it out.

A make-your-own sausage station.

Are you supposed to
be touching that?

Ha, they look like
little poops...

Ah!

You must make me whole again.

Never mind, this is my destiny!

Hey, look, a chiropractor.

I could actually
use an adjustment.

Huh, let's see how you
turn this into a brag.

I hurt my back reading
screenplays for a competition.

Finish the sentence.

- That I paid to be a judge in.
- There you go.

- Hello.
- Cha-ching!

I mean, hello. Would you
guys like an adjustment?

- I'll take one.
- Not me. I think you're a quack.

I also do colonic
irrigation therapy.

I'll take a pamphlet.

This head hole smells like spit.

Don't worry, I always give it
one lazy wipe between patients.

Now, I'm gonna ask
you some questions

I can steer into any
direction I need.

- Do you ever feel tired?
- I do.

And if you go a few
hours between meals,

do you ever feel like
you need to eat again?

Yeah, like, every day.

That's a big problem nowadays.

I have some very expensive
supplements that'll help.

Whoa. That feels great.

Yeah, that good
feeling will last

right until you
get into your car.

- Here's your bill.
- $700?

That covers the consultation,
evaluation, diagnosis,

adjustment, supplements
and a fart surcharge.

- I didn't fart.
- You did.

People always do.
Or maybe I did.

Either way, I'll just
bill it to your insurance.

Man, I can't believe...

- Oh, there it is.
- Told you.

Did you see how much that
chiropractor charged?

I could do the
same thing he did.

You could, and that's
not a compliment.

His degree was from
a Margaritaville.

Should... should we
become chiropractors?

Already on it. "Siri, how
do I become a chiropractor?"

Do you want
to be a doctor,

but don't like to read books?

- Yes.
- Congratulations.

You are now a chiropractor.

Mailing certification and
teeth whitening kit now.

Oh, that was easy.

Yeah, thank God.

I needed a new job,
and it was either this

or become a family photographer.

Is your
son just the cutest,

and are you eager to capture
that precious sliver of time?

Well, at Son in Front
of a Tree Photography,

we capture these
memories for you

by photographing your
son in front of a tree

in a park that's
close to my house.

Put him in a shirt that he hates

and watch him lean, climb,
or sit in front of a tree.

Hold his arms as he jumps into
the air in front of a tree.

Sure, he bit you for making him
take off his Spider-Man shoes,

but wait until you see

this photo of him
resting on his hands

in front of a tree.

We'll even take one

of the parents in
front of the tree.

Because at Son in Front
of a Tree Photography,

we capture memories
that'll last a lifetime.

And years later,

when that same son is
forced out of college

for a team hazing scandal,

you'll look at the photos of
your son in front of a tre

and wonder if that monster
ws always inside him.

Yeah, probably.

He bit you for
taking off his shoes.

Call today.

May not
ever receive photos.

Ha-ha! Oh.

God, the prizes at these
things are such junk.

I want one. Peter, win me a toy.

What? Why?

'Cause I'm New
England-lady drunk.

Either you win me a
stupid, stuffed something,

or I'm gonna start naming
ex-boyfriends who would've.

Great, everybody,
get ready to hear

who made First Team All-Dirtbag.

Tom Hambley would've
had me double-fisting

highly flammable bootleg
SpongeBobs by now.

Yeah, didn't he also whip it out
to your mom before your prom?

He said he mistimed
how far away he was

from our hallway bathroom.
Just throw the ball.

I would, but my
elbow's acting up.

Old injury from The
Late Night Wars.

I'll win you one of
them things, Lois.

Oh, no, it's Mikey Bagshaw,

Lois's ex-boyfriend with
shamrock tattoos on both calves.

You're allowed here?

Yeah, there ain't
no schools close.

Then I guess it's
your move, Peter.

This is really testing me.

I wonder what my old karate
sensei would want me to do.

Take your sneakers off, Peter.
You can't wear them on the mats.

But they light up, sensei.

Put them in the cubbies. Geez,
every class with this clown.

He throws like a girl!

Come on, people don't
say that anymore, dude.

The correct term is he throws
like a Chalamet, probably.

And on behalf of
everyone at Channel Five,

we'd like to apologize
for the pornography

that aired during
our cooking segment.

There are a lot of
very funny people

who are good at computers,
and we can't stop them.

All right, who's ready
for The Last of Us?

I love zombie shows
about shrub overgrowth.

Chris, move, you're
sitting in my spot.

Yeah, I think I'm
gonna be sitting

wherever I want
from now on, chief.

What? Where am I
supposed to sit?

Kind of not my problem, chief.

Did you just double "chief" me?

- That's right, chief.
- Triple?

Is this 'cause of the throw?

Well, technically, it
didn't qualify as a throw.

It fell somewhere between a
roll and a...

Come on, barely
anybody saw that.

I'm sure it'll all blow over.

And now in "Ha-Ha,
Look At This Guy" news,

ha-ha, look at this guy.

Aw, rats.

If that isn't an
indication of how poorly

someone's penis works,
I don't know what is.

Is this my fault, Peter?

Is it 'cause I made
you watch Ted Lasso?

You know, maybe sports shows

should be about sports
instead of feelings.

- Look, it's not that big a deal.
- It is, though.

I always knew you
were overweight,

but I thought you were
at least athletic fat.

I told people you were a
good fat, like an avocado.

Now, I don't know what you are.

Okay, I see that I
don't have the support

of my family on this, but
at least I have my friends.

I'm gonna see if they
want to meet at The Clam.

They said they're busy.

I see GIFs of people
without genitals.

That means busy.

Does this mean you're
a beta dad now?

No, Chris. But I want you
to know that I heard you.

Your feelings are valid, and
thank you... Oh, God, I am.

Aw, now I'm gonna
have to hang out

at the beta dad headquarters:

the farmers market.

This isn't spicy, is it?

No, sir, it's a strawberry.

Hmm, I better not.
I can't do spicy.

I can't believe you
guys got this business

started so quickly.

Yeah, we found the perfect spot
with zero available parking,

and the rest just
fell into place.

Chris, do you know what
the most important part

of working in a busy
doctor's office is?

- The patients?
- Nope.

Taking care of the tropical fish

that's impossible
to take care of.

Why is it swimming upside down?

I don't know. Sometimes it
sinks, sometimes it floats,

and sometimes it does
that. All are bad.

There's a number
taped to the desk.

That's Eric, our
tropical fish guy.

He's gonna be your best friend.

Call him whenever
it does anything.

Do everything Eric says.

None of it will work, but
trust me, he's the best.

It flipped back over.

Why are you telling
me? Tell Eric.

Remember, Peter, it's
not drinking alone

as long as you have
Popsicle Peter with you.

Help.

He only uses me to
scratch his icky parts.

Shut up
and get to work in there.

Uh-oh, look who's here.

What the hell? You guys
said you had plans,

but you're here drinking?

And you're in my
spot, Cleveland.

Yep. Think I'm gonna be sitting

wherever I want
from now on, chief.

Sorry, we didn't
want people thinking

we were noodle-armed
by association.

Yeah, my arms are
literally all I have.

How do you not
know how to throw?

I never learned.

My dad was always
working when I was a kid,

and when he'd get home, he
always said he had a headache.

That was back before everyone
carried metal water bottles,

so no one drank water, and
all adults had headaches.

My only friends
were day raccoons,

who are the most
social of all raccoons.

They're the ones who
taught me how to throw.

So, that's why I
throw bad for a guy,

but really good for a raccoon.

- Is all that true?
- I don't know.

I've had several
cases of rabies,

so memories are hard for me.

All I know is that I've
spent the rest of my life

avoiding scenarios
where I got to throw.

Didn't you go to Red
Sox fantasy camp?

And I swear I've seen
you having a catch

with Chris out on
your front lawn.

Yeah, that was my stunt double.

He's the fat guy who dresses
up like me at Comic-Con.

He wants to interview me as me,

and I'm just like, dude, no.

Excuse me, are
you Peter Griffin?

That depends. Are you
classlessly serving

a legal document
for Jason Sudeikis?

No, I do promotions for a
local minor league team,

the Quahog Blowholes.

Ah, yes, then I'm Peter.

I wanted to invite
you to throw out

a ceremonial first
pitch this weekend.

What? You know he
can't throw, right?

Yes, that's why we want him.

Minor league baseball needs
gimmicks to attract fans.

You guys remember the story
about that chimpanzee umpire?

The one what ate up
all them fans' faces?

Yup. That was me.

Anyway, we think you'd make
the perfect gimmick, Peter.

I'll do it.

What? You're gonna
embarrass yourself again.

This time on a bigger stage.

So? Did Batgirl just give up

when everyone said
her movie stunk?

- Uh, yes. Very publicly, yes.
- Oh.

Well, I'm not Batgirl.

I am gonna throw out
that first pitch,

and it's gonna be
a perfect strike.

I love confident idiots.
It's why I bought a Tesla.

See you this weekend.

What are you doing?

You can't just learn how
to throw in a couple days.

Hey, anything is possible.

Stanley Tucci's
a sex symbol now.

You ever watch a
guy with a bald head

and super hairy
arms cook zucchini?

Oh, yeah!

You like this apron?

It's a women's medium,

and it comes off real easy.

Tucci!

Wow, you are so tight.

Do you sit a lot?

Sitting's the silent killer.

No, I stand quite often.

And that's your
problem right there.

Standing's the silent killer.

I actually mix it
up pretty good.

The silent killer.

I can't believe how well
this is going, Brian.

Please, call me Doctor B.

"Doctor," then one initial?

We must be doing very well.

Permission to speak
like a human fist bump?

Granted.

We are passing "Go."

We are collecting
$200. We are...

crushing!

You have a couple
of energy drinks

today there, Doctor B?

Had a few no-breakfast
Monsters. Yep.

Eyes a little shaky. Feeling
a little, uh, scared.

All right, yeah,
you go take a walk.

I'll take the next
patient. Chris, who's next?

Chris?

What the hell?

Chris opened his own office.

Hey, Doctor S,

my ears are still kinda ringing

from that adjustment.

You said you drank
a soda once, right?

The silent killer.

I guess I'm always just
gonna be one of those guys

who throws like a girl.

You
wish you threw like a girl.

Meg?

You're gonna throw out
that first pitch, Dad,

and I'm gonna teach you.

Ha-ha-ha, much laughter

and exaggerated scenarios ahead.

This joke
was written by AI

while the writers
were on strike.

Hey, listen. Thanks for
teaching me how to throw,

but why are you helping me?

Because you're my dad.

And also because
your last display

was really embarrassing.

I just didn't know you were
so good at sports, Meg.

Are you serious?

I won a state championship
with my basketball team.

I went to the Olympics in Korea.

Yeah, I don't watch
the Meg episodes.

So, you don't know
anything about me?

Yeah, I gotta be
honest, I've got

a lot of passwords to remember,

so I'm-I'm always
cycling through those.

Don't mind me, just
grabbing my cigarettes

from their elaborate
hiding spot.

Did you know Meg played sports?

Oh, yeah?

When?

Ugh, like my whole life.

There's trophies in my room.

Cool. Good for you.

That's a relief.

I put the magnesium in the bag.

Start with two before bed,

and if your stomach
tolerates it, go to three.

Thanks, Doctor C.
You know your fish

is swimming upside down, right?

Yeah, it's a water
temperature thing,

I think. I hope.

What the hell, Chris?

You stole our clients.

So what? A lot of those people

came to you with real problems

and you just exploited
them for money.

Yeah, that's the whole
chiropractic model.

Well, I figured I could
actually help them,

and take their money.

What do you even know
about being a chiropractor?

Enough to look at your posture

and know that you
sit for a living.

Oh, damn, he's good.

Look, I know you guys are upset.

Yes, we are competitors, but
if you really think about it,

you'll see that our
stories are the same

because we're both trying to...

help people!

There.

Now your legs are even.

Whoa. How'd you do that?

By caring.

That's the one thing
you can't fake.

Good luck, guys.

Chris' Chiropractic,
how may I health you?

Oh, hi, Eric.

Yeah, it's upside down again.

Dude, I did all that.

Okay, Dad.

I thought one way
to get you throwing

would be to get tips from

one of the best pitchers
of all time, Roger Clemens.

Hi, Peter.

Wow, I can't believe The
Rocket is gonna help me.

The first thing
you're gonna wanna do

- is grip the ball like this.
- Okay, cool.

Then you're gonna wanna find
the right place on your ass

to inject yourself, allegedly.

- What?
- If I did this

while I was playing,
I would've shoved it

right through my
thick Texas jeans.

But I did not do this
while I was playing.

- Can we go back to the grip...
- Rocket!

Then, when you're done,

make sure to discard
your needles safely.

If I had ever done
this, which I did not,

I would've discarded
them in the top drawer

of my wife's dresser,
in between her underwear

and necklaces, or her
gym bag, allegedly.

Any place that isn't
yours and is hers works.

Your forehead vein is pulsing.

That's what veins
do, you nimrod.

Now, we wait.

Then, once you bite
through your own tooth,

you know you're ready to pitch.

Let's bean some Orioles!

So, I was talking to Mom,

and she told me that
part of your problem

might be performance anxiety.

Yeah, what context was
this brought up in?

The one you're thinking.

She said sometimes
watching someone else

do it first helps.

So, I invited Cleveland
over to do it with Mom

while you watch from this stool.

Ow.

Want me to slow it down?

Oh, don't you dare.

I can take harder.

- Oh, yeah. Thank you.
- Damn, you know how to catch it, girl.

-Oh, yeah, thank you. Oh, keep it going.
-Yeah, catch it! Catch it!

- Oh, you are gonna split me in half!
- Catch it with your leg out!

You
wanna hop in, Pete?

No, he goes last

when my mitt's the loosest.

You okay, Dad?

No. I never figured my
life would end up like this

when I was getting my picture
taken in front of that tree.

No one
would ever guess

your boy would grow up
to be a world-class cuck.

Why are we sitting on the field?

Because I think your biggest
hurdle might be your mind.

I read that some pitchers
have thrown their best games

while on LSD.

So let's do LSD.

Yeah, okay.

We had empty stomachs,

so the drugs kicked
in pretty quick.

I never learned
to throw that day,

but we got scared by a
faucet and pooped ourselves

in an Exxon station.

I saw my whole life's timeline

that afternoon, and
it was beautiful.

Now, it's my 92nd birthday

and I'm on a sailboat
about to drink

a CVS-brand euthanasia cocktail.

If you compare it to the nam-
brand euthanasia cocktails,

it's the same ingredients
for half the cost.

In the future, we all die
dignified deaths on sailboat.

So, that's why we guarantee

that our cracks are 30% louder

than that whack-job next door.

How do you measure that?

With doctor things. Let's start.

Wow, that was your C4 vertebra.

Ah, that was your L-M-N-O-P.

Take your time getting up.

If you feel dizzy, it's
probably from the vaccine.

Show me
one who's vaccinated.

No, we don't validate parking,

but if you buy a coffee
down the block, they will.

- Doctor B. Doctor S.
- Doctor C.

Saw you put a pink salt
lamp in your window.

I guess you're dabbling
in witchcraft now.

Nope, just good air quality.

I heard you're still not
paying for Pandora Premium,

so your music has commercials.

That sounds relaxing.

Relaxing enough to be
fully booked this weekend.

Except for the lady who canceled

because Brian followed
her on Instagram

right after her appointment.

Client outreach fail.

Hi, we're from the Department
of Health and Human Services.

We've been asked to
investigate your businesses

for medical and insurance fraud.

We can go in and
grab your files,

or you can grab them for us.

Quick "quesh." Do
you guys have agents

on the back side
of the building?

- We do.
- Ah, a perimeter. Good.

How'd you catch us?

The same thing that
gets every chiropractor.

The inflated, phony charges,

and the sports cars with
vanity license plates.

Figured you were either
chiros or drug dealers.

We'll give you five minutes
to collect your tropical fish.

Oh, those are long dead.

I know you're nervous,
Dad, but you can do this.

No, it's not that.

Do you think I have to shower
with the team afterwards?

You need to focus,
Dad. Look at me.

When you step out there,
it's just you, the ball,

and 2,000 people who are
counting on you to fail.

And if there's one thing I
know about being your daughter,

it's that when someone's
counting on you,

you always let them down.

So, are you gonna give
them what they want?

Or are you gonna go out
there and disappoint them?

I only know one way.

And now, to throw
out our ceremonial first pitch,

please welcome to the field,

Peter "Never Heard of
Taylor Swift" Griffin.

Who?

Good luck, see you
in the showers.

Individual stalls with
smoke-glassed doors?

Nope. Big, echoey,
1960s johnson-danglers.

Strike! Damn it.

Whoo! He did it!

Ow!

I can't believe it. I
threw a passable strike.

You're the only one who
believed in me, Meg.

Are you okay?

Your arm is backwards
and feels very hot.

Good job, Peter.

I guess you don't throw
like a girl anymore.

No.

That's exactly
what I throw like.

Time for a victory lap.

♪ Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la-la ♪

Is that how he really runs?

I'll, uh, we'll...
we'll work on that.

A lot of people
remembered my pitch that day.

I'll remember it as the last day

it was called "Quahog Stadium."

The next day, they changed
the name to "Porn Hub Field."

Called the team the "Jacks."

People say America's changed,

but I still think
it's pretty great.

♪ Well, I was born
in a small town... ♪

Where do you think
you're going, Griffin?

No one leaves without
hitting the showers first.

Can I wear my gym shorts?

No. We gotta see it.

That's baseball.