Original subtitles

Previously, on Clean Slate...

Miguel! One day, you're gonna pull up in here

without a recently deceased animal.

Deal with it. I'm a sportsman.

- I always thought I was like a son to you. - More like a distant cousin's son.

This is my prized possession! And it ain't goin' nowhere, son!

Daughter. Damn it!

Jar.

- Can I get your number? - My number?

Look at me, cruisin' in the Barracuda.

Could you try to drive a bit faster, please? I can't be late.

- Hello, Stanley! - Hey, man.

That storm yesterday was for real!

The storm was Tuesday, wasn't it?

You know what, it was Tuesday. But it did rain some, though.

Yeah, off and on. You right.

Dad, I finally found someone who will do my hair for less than a small fortune,

and I'd really like to get to Tammy's Cutz with a "Z" on time.

Well, a thousand pardons, Miss Daisy.

I have got to learn to drive. Maybe Louis can teach me.

Ex-squeeze me?

Your instructor is in the car with you right now.

I think I need someone with a little more...

What?

Patience?

I am an amazing teacher and your lesson's going to be free.

Although, gratuities will be accepted.

- Uh, well, I guess... - Great!

Tomorrow, eight a.m. Tardiness will not be tolerated.

And I will be taking attendance.

Come on, let's go.

Hey, I know these two walkin' fools!

How 'bout that storm?

Dad!

Hope you brought an apple for the teacher.

Mm-hmm.

All right.

Are you yearning to learn? 'Cause I am prepared to prepare.

I'm prepared to get this over with.

All right... Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Don't be gettin' in the car all willy nilly.

Who are ya? Dukes of Hazzard?

I left all my confederate flags in Manhattan.

But I do have some Daisy Dukes, Dad.

All right. Always perform my patented 17-point safety check

before you get in the car. Now, how's the windshield lookin' up there?

Dad, it's Alabama. There's more bugs than window.

All right. Now, also, let me make sure nobody tampered with my undercarriage.

I think you would know.

We're lookin' at the catalytic converter. That's intact.

All right, there's no explosives. All right.

And the brake line's okay.

Who are you? Tony Soprano?

You'd be surprised how many enemies an important man like me can make.

Hey, Harry! Lose your keys again?

Don't you have a bear to maim, or something?

Can we keep it moving?

There you go.

Finally!

Oh! Now, now, now. We still gotta do a safety check for the interior.

Um, Miguel. Can you teach me how to cut someone's brake lines?

It's a train wreck.

It's a blimp crashing into a train wreck.

Slow down a little bit, slow down. Don't hit the cones!

What the hell are you doin'?

Have these cones been talkin' 'bout your mama or somethin'?

Okay, don't cut too hard.

- What you... - Son of a...

You cut too hard.

The time before that was perfect.

No, the time before that, you didn't cut hard enough.

You park that far away from a curb,

you're gonna lose at least nine side mirrors,

and possibly an arm.

Do some donuts, Desiree!

Grip it and rip it!

Would you shut the hell up! Normally, this isn't done with a heckler.

Go to work!

Now, put your hands on the wheel at ten and two.

Right now, they're clearly on eleven and three.

Ten and two. There you go.

Well, you always drive with one hand on six!

I've been driving since the war of 1812.

I've earned the right to get jiggy with my hands in any position.

Opal, tell me that'll never be us.

No way. I started a driving school fund third quarter of last year.

'Course you did.

You're gettin' better. Come on, check your rearview mirror.

Okay, now, cut the wheel slowly, and then, slowly release.

There you go.

Suck it, cones!

- Yes! - Woo!

- Woohoo! There you go! - Finally!

We've been here for two hours. Can we finally leave this parking lot?

I guess I gotta rip off the Band-Aid sometime.

Uh, let's head to Scoops.

You two come back when you own motor vehicles, all right?

- Thank you. - See ya.

Yo! What are you doin' here? You can't visit me at work.

I just, um, wanna check on that thing?

Not sure, okay?

It's almost time to decide.

Everyone else is in and it's going down tonight.

All right?

This is gonna work out well for the both of us.

All right?

Get outta here.

Oh, don't hit the cyclist.

You know how I feel about cyclists.

Okay, now. Did you check your mirror?

Just did.

No, the side mirrors.

'Cause no child of mine is gonna check the review mirror

before they check the side.

Hey! Are you crazy?!

I thought a little music would just...

What? Be nice? Be fun?

You know you're behind the wheel of a killing machine, right?

Any song with too many beats per minute can spike your endorphins and what not.

Suddenly, you're going 130 in a 45.

I think it was Celine Dion, Dad.

That's even worse. She's a silent killer.

Lures you into a false sense of security and then, wham!

Mm-hmm. All right. You wanna try to make a left turn?

- Sure, Dad. - Okay.

Let's try a left turn, okay.

Signal early.

All right. Two cars.

Two cars per yellow. Move forward and wait for the change.

- I have been listening. - Mm-hmm.

Come on, it can't be that surprising.

Dad!

Da...

Dad. Dad!

Dad!

Oh, God. Dad! Dad!

You are not dying! Hang on!

In one point two miles, turn left on Harris Street.

Don't you dare listen to that digital white lady!

She'll have us caught up on Airport Boulevard for hours.

Take the 65, damn it!

You're gonna be okay, Dad. You're gonna be okay.

Okay, okay.

Don't forget one car length for every ten miles, okay?

Don't you dare get me killed while I'm dyin'.

You're not dying, Dad. Hold on.

Hold on!

Ooh, I'm guessing that Epsom salt ain't gonna fix this.

I'm so sorry I was being a smart-ass and stressed you out.

Although, strangely, you didn't keel over until after I made a flawless left turn.

- I didn't keel. - You keeled.

Okay, I kinda keeled, but then Jesus took the wheel.

Right. It was Jesus who drove you through mid-day traffic

all the way to the hospital. Praise be.

Harry! Oh, Harry. You're alive.

So, you happy or you sad?

Now, don't make me smack a man in a hospital bed.

You must've been so scared! Oh.

She was scared? Hell, I'm the one went to the light

and shaking hands with Rick James and what not.

Oh, Harry!

What'd you do? Take out an ad?

I'm sorry, people love you.

Are you okay, Mr. Harry?

Hey, freckles, yeah.

It's gonna take more than a student driver to take Mr. Harry out.

Wow, party in 514. How are you feeling, Mr. Slate?

I'm feeling like seven bucks.

Are you okay with all of these people hearing your medical information?

As long as it ain't about my kibbles and bits.

Well, they were mercifully spared.

You flirting with me?

You wish.

Mr. Slate, you had an arrhythmia.

I knew the rhythm was gonna get me.

Miami Sound Machine warned me, but did I listen.

Can we pause open mic night to listen to life-saving information?

Your heart misfired. We're gonna get you on meds.

And I'm also gonna give you a detailed diet and exercise plan.

You were very lucky.

Hell, y'all got me up here in a dress, my ass hangin' all out.

You're feedin' me broccoli with no Velveeta.

That sounds like the opposite of lucky.

Mr. Slate, you have to take care of yourself.

I'm not kidding.

Finally, something I know about.

We'll implement my patented 17-point self-care plan.

If your plan has any kind of that matcha watcha flaxseed bullshit in it,

then y'all can count me out.

You'll be out of here in the morning. Good luck.

Thank you, Doctor.

I was talking to your daughter.

Well, looks like I'm a goner for sure.

Mm, not exactly.

And until then, we are going to power walk every other day.

It doesn't matter. I've got these people already circling me like vultures.

I know a hostile takeover when I see one.

Mm-hmm. I watch Recession.

Succession.

How 'bout I just make sure all your shifts are covered

until you're back on your feet?

All right. And you...

I am not gonna spend the next several months traveling with you

to check things off your bucket list. I've seen the Hallmark movie and, uh,

I'm good.

Dang it.

We have some bloodstone, it helps with circulation.

And some smoky quartz to speed your healing.

Smoky quartz? Hell, I thought he played for the Clippers.

After lunch, we're doing some breathing exercises.

I already nailed breathing. Hell, I've been doin' it my whole life.

Mm-mm.

I really want to thank you for making me comfortable in my last moments.

Simmer down, Eeyore. Shh.

I don't even have a TV up in here.

Hell, I could be watchin' Highway to Heaven

while I actually take that highway to heaven.

Being a couch potato is part of the reason you're in this predicament.

We're limiting your screen time.

Say what, now? I'm not seven years old.

We have a yam purée with sautéed spinach and seared tofu

with a spring pea spread on sprouted crackers.

High in fiber, low in cholesterol.

And low in taste, too. This looks like baby food.

Or baby poop.

This could come from either end of the baby.

I only see one baby here.

Don't make me do that spoon and airplane thing, 'cause I sure as hell will.

Come on... Mm-hmm.

Mmm! Delicious!

You sure? There's no turning back once we start.

All right, come on.

The owl-bear attacks, digging its beak into the barbarian's chest.

All right, rogue, you're up. What do you do?

I'll attack the owl-bear...

with the other-worldly candle.

You're really gonna waste an other-worldly candle to attack an owl-bear?

Hell, yeah. I'm not gonna sit here and twiddle my thumbs

while the owl-bear makes an appetizer out of my dude over here.

Yes!

You shattered the owl-bear.

Ah-ha!

Your mole is decent, but it's nothing like your mom's.

The white guy would probably use ketchup.

You really don't think I have my own recipe?

The white boy knows Spanish!

The prison library had an underrated Rosetta Stone collection.

I get by, baby.

That's cold, baby.

What's with all the sticky notes?

I, uh...

put your name on this Luther Vandross concert tape.

So, it's yours when I pass.

I will cherish it always.

I found some light weights at the thrift store.

You'll look like Apollo Creed in no time.

Why don't I watch some Apollo Creed?

You know, while I'm doing some lunges toward a peach cobbler.

I call it "relaxercising."

I really don't want to hear about my dad relaxercising to Michael B. Jordan.

You're right. Let me talk to you.

Um...

Please.

You know the car wash is all gonna be in your hands...

Dad, you know I'm not built for wipin' fenders all day.

Wipin' fenders ain't glamorous.

- No. - But that wash is my pride.

Mm-hmm. I don't care whether it's some Mercedes-Benz or Datsun B210,

I put my heart and soul into every rinse, wipe and wax.

The water just hits different at my wash.

There's love in it.

I know there is, Dad.

Mm-hmm. I do have some last wishes.

They're all in my rule book. Tellin' folk what to do with me...

in case I can't tell 'em myself.

An advance directive. I have one, too.

Why? You're so young.

Back in New York, some of us had to create our own families.

Make sure if something happened, we weren't alone.

Okay, so, you understand.

I do need you to be ready for when my time comes.

Can we just cool it with all the grim reaper shit, Dad?

It may not be tomorrow...

but I want you to be ready.

I know. It's just, seeing you in that hospital where Mom died...

I... I just... I just got you... got you back. I...

don't want to think about losing you, too.

I need you, Dad.

Not that bad.

I could get the hang of this.

Man, I'm glad you finally came over.

Me, too, man. Your place is, uh...

- Not what you expected? - Nope.

Guess I always thought you were more of a bass pro shop kind of guy.

I don't give a shit about Tennessee football.

I will rock the hell out of a Peyton Manning jersey

if it seals the deal.

I've got good ol' boys practically handing me money.

All this stuff you're doing, it's just an act?

Is the hunting party a ruse, too?

Finding road kill to throw on my truck is harder than it looks.

Well, it's great to see the real you.

Man, I gotta scoot. I gotta work at dawn. Harry's just back from the hospital.

He had a heart issue. But looks like he'll be okay.

Ah... Can't stand the guy but it's no fun fighting with a dead man.

How the hell do you deal with him?

Well, he sees something in me.

And not a lot of people have.

He even made me part-owner of the wash.

Mm, makin' moves.

I can appreciate that. I'll walk you out, come on.

Great. I'm sure Harry's asleep by now anyways.

Thanks for the hang.

Anytime.

Me dungeon es su dungeon.

Et tu, Brute? And what not.

Oh, no.

What the hell are you doing over at that man's house at this time of night?!

We were just playing Dungeons and Dragons.

With my arch nemesis? You know what those words are like?

It's like a dungeon on the dragons of my heart.

- Harry, come on. - I'm just glad it's all out in the open.

I don't gotta be your dirty little secret anymore.

Are you out of your goddamn minds,

screaming like banshees in the middle of the night?

No, but we did fight a banshee earlier and Mack killed it and it was awesome!

- It was awesome. - I don't even know who you are.

- Come on. - This is a talking stick.

The only person allowed to speak is the person holding the stick.

Mack.

Harry, look, I know you and Miguel don't get along.

But he is the first friend that I have made in awhile.

- Why the hell did I give you 15%? - Stick!

The only time I ever liked this little sneaky bastard

is before I ever met him. I'm just barely out of the hospital,

and you're stealing my friends.

- Stealing friends? - Friend thief.

- You gotta be kidding me. - Stick!

You know what? You've got to make a choice.

- It's gonna be him or it's gonna be me. - Stick! Stick! Stick!

Enough, enough. Harry, you don't gotta like Miguel.

But I like him. And I've gotta have friends that stay up past 9:30 PM.

And, Miguel, please, be chill. Harry's fresh out of the ER,

And if you kill him, it'll actually be bad for your business.

All right. I'm... I'm sorry, Mack. All right?

And, Harry, I'm sorry about your heart.

Truce?

Okay.

You can hang with whoever you like. But just be honest.

Don't be sneakin' around...

Zebra cakes? No sneakin' around, huh?

Night-night!

Good night, you two.

Farewell, young rogue.

I think these, uh, belong to your dad.

He's truly exhausting.

I hadn't noticed.

Trying to get him to live a healthy life, I don't even know why I bother.

It's hard to change someone after a certain part of their lives.

You gotta kinda take what you can get.

Apparently.

When my man cave business took off, I thought, finally,

I could bring my mom to the US, I could take care of her...

But she had no interest in leaving Guadalajara.

So, what'd you do?

I met her in the middle. I didn't drag her here,

and in exchange, she lets me send her money so she doesn't have to work so hard.

So, she got what she wants and she gets paid for it?

Don't ruin the story.

Hey...

I need a favor.

- Okay, keep 'em closed. - I'm closed.

- Which way am I going? - Walk forward.

- Now, a little bit to the left. Careful. - All right.

You better not have bought me one of those Thigh Masters.

I just sold three at the yard sale.

Okay, where am I now?

- Right there. Open! - Right here?

Surprise! It's your very own man cave!

New TV, new chair, new speakers!

Whoo!

How'd you pay for all of this?

And Miguel had some stuff lying around from old jobs.

That man was in my house?

Now we gotta buy some of that funky ass incense and spray it all around.

Miguel helped me meet you in the middle, Dad.

I guess he is good for something.

But I'm not playing Puff the Magic Dragon with him. Mm-mm.

Don't worry, Dad. I don't think you're in any danger of being invited.

Why y'all say these birds are so mad, again?

I don't know, I missed it 'cause you won't shut up.

Ella, please. You're making me angrier than these dang parrots up in here.

I think they're more in the sparrow family.

Opal, you really never saw this?

I read the New York Times review and avoided it. I was a fool.

Oh, Dad, I forgot. This whole man cave thing comes with one little catch.

What is it?

I bought it back from Mrs. Phipps!

I kept meticulous notes at the yard sale.

When you're in the man cave, you will master your thighs.

No... way... in hell.

- Whoo! - Use your hips.

You already got the nicest thighs in the county here.

- I am using my hips. - Squeeze it real good.

Don't hurt yourself.

Oh, okay.

Look, you're, uh...

You got a little, uh...

popcorn.

Thank you.

Use your knees.

I'm using my knees. Like that.

I'm gettin' nauseous.

Ooh!

On the next Clean Slate...

Remember, straight strokes. You don't want to get swirl marks.

Girl from the city. You don't remember things like that.

Are you calling me bougie?

Please refrain from throwing objects.

Ain't that right.

Who is throwing candy at the driver?

Put your disrespectful butt right behind me.

Because this is my community and these are my people

and my jilted lovers.

You don't have any jilted lovers, okay.

I'm a top five jilter in this county.

I told you two to get in line, not bribe the voters!