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all right So what's self-compassion

Please forgive me for those of you who

have been in this field for the last 15

or 20 years Um yeah So an informal

definition of self-compassion is really

just treating ourselves with the same

kindness and understanding as we would

treat a dear friend when things go wrong

You know it's just inner

compassion Um but unfortunately this is

not how we usually treat ourselves when

things go wrong So think about it How do

you treat a how do you treat somebody

else

uh who might be suffering maybe failed

in some way or feels

inadequate You know what's your attitude

your

words and then imagine you failed or you

feel inadequate or you're suffering How

do you treat yourself You know so

usually there's a difference You know

when things go wrong in our own lives we

criticize ourselves We often hide in

shame We get stuck in

rumination And when things go wrong in

the lives of people our friends uh we're

more likely to be patient and

sympathetic and encouraging There's a

big difference You know actually

research shows that up to 50% of us

around the world really um are more

compassionate toward others than

ourselves And this lopsided relationship

uh comes with a cost But before I talk

about the cost I'd like to also describe

the formal definition of self-compassion

So most people when they think of

self-compassion they think of

self-kindness but that's only one of

three components Uh so Kristen Nef my

dear colleague with whom I co-developed

the mindful self-compassion program in

2003 published a study based on this

construct And there are really three

components to self-compassion uh

mindfulness versus over identification

or rumination Number one which means we

need to know that we're suffering in

order to have a fully compassionate

response You know you if you go by

somebody you don't know they're

suffering you're not going to be

compassionate Same with ourselves right

And this talk is mo is focusing more on

burnout And so we should know that when

we're burned out um we may feel our

suffering but we disregard it We focus

on others We are driven by shame and

perfectionism So we're

actually not really aware of what's

going on inside of us The second excuse

me the second component is common

humanity

versus isolation And that means

remembering that suffering is part of

the human

experience And and it's not a source of

shame In other words and and in the case

of burnout common humanity tells us that

burnout is natural and it's normal In

fact the two prerequisites for feeling

burnout are number one we're human and

number two we care about our work

Otherwise we wouldn't burn out

right So that's common humanity And the

third component is self-kindness versus

self-criticism So when we're down and we

are self-compassionate we motivate

ourselves with kindness rather than

criticism which is a more effective

motivator

Now the other thing is that most people

identify compassion with tenderness but

that's only half of the picture as well

because compassion is often tough You

know if somebody if a house is burning

and somebody runs in to save a trapped

occupant that's not tender that's tough

and it's very compassionate

So the bottom line for tender and tough

compassion or fierce and t and tender or

yin and yan is care right

uh so tender self-compassion is really

about comforting soothing validating

fierce self-compassion is more about

acting in the world protecting actively

providing for ourselves actively

motivating ourselves to do something

that's good even if it's difficult Right

And in the case of burnout we really

need both We also need fierce

self-compassion Sometimes we need to

draw a boundary We need to say "I can't

do this anymore." Or we need to

encourage ourselves to kind of change

the system that causes causes burnout in

the first place So when you think of

compassion and self-compassion think of

both tender and fierce self-compassion

And uh then there are also a bunch of

myths concerning self-compassion So when

people hear this term for the first time

and now it's not quite as common as it

was back in 2003 when Kristen made the

self-compassion scale but when people

think about self-compassion they often

have a kind of a cringe reaction They

often think "Oh self compassion is going

to make me selfish." and they think of

compassion as as weakness So why would

you want to be self-compassion if you're

going to become selfish and

weak However these are all myths You

know there are now over 7,000 studies on

self-compassion in the academic

literature And one thing we know is that

self-compassion is not selfish As people

grow in self-compassion they grow in

compassion for others People who are in

romantic relationships with somebody who

is self-compassionate describe them as

more collaborative as more willing to

admit mistakes and uh work together to

uh improve things like that Self the

research shows self-compassion is not

weak In a word those 7,000 studies say

basically one thing and that is

self-compassion is a important resource

for emotional resilience or coping

That's the story of self-compassion It

is not weak It will help you bounce back

from from uh stress and trauma and all

all sorts of inevitable difficulties

that happen in life It's also not

self-pity You know we're not wrapped up

in a little ball worrying about

ourselves When we're self-compassionate

we actually have p more perspective The

research shows people who are

self-compassion have more perspective on

their difficulties right And it's not

self-indulgent People who are

self-compassionate they actually take

better care of themselves you know And

it's and the one of the main things

people worry about is if I were more

self-compassionate I would just be

complacent I wouldn't do much But what

we know from the research is people who

are self-compassionate their standards

are just as high as everybody else's but

they're actually more motivated to

achieve their goals because they

motivate themselves with kindness Kind

of like a good athletic coach you know

you can do this you've got this you know

take it one step at a time you'll get

there rather than criticism What's the

matter with you you idiot you fool you

can't do this right What's more

motivating So these there are so many

myths about self-compassion but for

starters it is not selfish and then it

is not weak quite the

opposite So uh the number of research

studies in the

literature parallels this exponential

curve that we also find in mindfulness

research And so we actually haven't you

know the wave is still increasing So

we've still we're still about to see you

know a lot more self-compassion be a lot

more visible in the mainstream because

the mainstream tends to follow the

research and the research is growing

exponentially And what does it show You

know it shows increases in well-being of

all sorts You know actually Mark Liry at

Duke said the research is getting boring

because self-compassion is associated

with everything good in

psychology Decreases in anxiety stress

uh shame depression in improves physical

health self-compassion enhances the

immune system helps people have a

healthier diet healthier lifestyle and

also as I said

relationships Regarding workplace stress

uh the research shows that people with

trait self-compassion

um are less exhausted and depleted by

their work less stressed and overwhelmed

less depressed and cynical better able

to draw boundaries with others Remember

that fierce

self-compassion more they feel more

connected to others the common humanity

aspect and they feel more competent and

effective and uh are also more satisfied

with the work that they

do So then the next question is how does

it work What's going on Right So this is

the mechanism of action question So

there are all kinds of mechanisms of

action that

uh psychologists and researchers look at

There are emotional mechanisms like

self-compassion is is a is just a

powerful resource for emotion

regulation It also seems to enhance

attachment security and reduce shame But

neurohysiologically it seems to lower

sympathetic arousal so people have less

fear It tends to

enhance parasympathetic activity

increased heart rate variability more

sense of safety and also uh gives us

better executive control of emotion in

the

brain And so with all this good stuff

you might have the thought well how do I

become a little more self-compassionate

And uh the answer the answer is

actually in my review of the literature

it kind it seems to me that anything

that we do in our lives that is healthy

and we do it uh for ourselves

consistently over time seems to enhance

self-compassion So if you practice yoga

regularly you'll probably become more

self-compassionate If you love hiking

and you hike you take nice long hikes

out of the sheer joy of it you will

become more self-compassionate If you

love t taking care of others if in other

words compassion for others increases

self-compassion If you always wanted a

dog and you can feel the love of a dog

get a dog You'll probably be more self

this self-compassion This is what the

research shows But if you are also in

successful psychotherapy you'll probably

be more compassionate If you take a

mindfulness-based stress reduction

course you'll probably become more

self-compassionate And if you take a

self-compassion course I hope you become

more

self-compassionate But one thing is

important to know is that when people

think about

self-compassion they usually think about

mental training But behavioral practice

is as important as mental training And

so the the the real quintessential

self-compassion question is what do I

need If somebody says if you're

struggling and someone says what do you

need What do you need If you feel the

compassion in it if we when we're

struggling can ask ourselves that

question that gets us on the

self-compassion train Maybe we can't

answer the question right away So we can

break it down like what do you need to

feel safe or what do you need to protect

yourself or what do you need to calm

your body and then do it That's

self-compassion Another question in the

moment of suffering is how do I care for

myself already If we ask ourselves that

question and then do it that's

self-compassion

And also uh uh similar to the informal

definition of self-compassion if we ask

ourselves how would I treat a friend in

this same situation The chances are

really good that you will be

compassionate with yourself