Original subtitles

(grand orchestral fanfare playing)

-Action. -Design.

(tires squealing)

♪ Ding, dong, ding ♪

♪ Ding, dong, ding ♪

("A Holly Jolly Christmas" by Burl Ives playing)

♪ Have a holly jolly Christmas ♪

♪ It's the best time of the year ♪

♪ I don't know if there'll be snow ♪

♪ But have a cup of cheer ♪

♪ Have a holly jolly Christmas ♪

♪ And when you walk down the street... ♪

-(belches) - Another one?

Well, I'm still vertical, so I'd like to change that.

♪ Oh, ho, the mistletoe ♪

♪ Hung where you can see ♪

♪ Somebody waits for you... ♪

(chuckling): Ho, ho.

(gags)

MAN: Bitter. Pint.

You just get off?

♪ And in case you didn't hear ♪

♪ Oh, by golly, have a holly... ♪

I'm taking a break.

Between shifts, I guess you could say.

- MAN: Hmm. - You ain't driving, are you?

I steer a little, but the reindeer do most of the work.

(laughter)

Mm-hmm.

This is my, uh, fourth year as a Santa.

Ah.

How about you?

Lost count.

I forget why I started doing it in the first place.

Same reason anybody does anything.

The money.

(chuckling): Money. Money.

This whole planet runs on greed.

(crunching)

(grunts, sighs)

MAN: It's the look on the kiddies' faces, innit?

That's what does it for me.

- Ah, the look. Yeah, that look. -(man chuckles)

Lasts about two seconds.

As soon as they're finished unwrapping,

they want the next present,

they want the next cool thing.

That's how this world works.

And kids-- what kids have become.

They're just like little junkies.

They're little shits. They just demand.

They don't believe.

They just want, crave, consume.

(sighs softly)

Maybe this is my last year.

♪ ♪

The last Christmas.

Well, I can't stand seeing another Santa in distress.

(belches)

Put his drinks on my tab.

- Okay? - Yeah.

Oh, very merry of you. Okay.

I better get going.

Presents aren't gonna deliver themselves.

(laughter)

Oh, uh...

For your grandson. Save me a trip.

It's, uh, that new video game.

It's Astro Blaster, Blaster Astro.

I-I don't know.

Merry Christmas. (belches)

How'd he know my grandson's name?

- How'd he know I have a grandson? -(door opens)

Oi! That door leads to the roof.

Piss head.

Go easy on him. It's Christmas.

Hey! You can't be up here.

If you break your neck, I'm the one...

(panting)

♪ ♪

(sleigh bells jingling)

(sighs)

My God.

It's...

(retching)

...beauti...

(gasping)

♪ ♪

("Deck the Halls" playing)

(music ends)

(dog barking nearby)

(sighs)

(rummaging)

(vehicle approaches, horn honks)

(bells jingling)

Hi. Hi, hi, hi.

There she is. Hello, muffin.

Let's go see Grandma.

Ooh.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Trudy.

Merry...

Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!

Merry Christmas, Daddy, ya filthy animal.

(Trudy chuckling)

She got to stay up late and watch Home Alone.

Uh-huh.

It was so funny. (screams)

- Yep. - That... that hurts.

- All morning. - Okay, um...

Thank you.

For doing this.

I'm not doing it for you.

- It's Christmas! - Yeah!

♪ ♪

Merry Christmas, Al.

Hi, Linda. Merry Christmas.

- Mr. Lightstone. - Hey, Al.

Hey, you back there, Tru?

Yeah, I bet you're excited for Christmas.

What did you ask Santa for?

- Not to work on Christmas Eve. -(laughs)

Must've been naughty this year,

-'cause here I am. - Mm-hmm.

Just make sure you let Santa through the gates later, Al.

- Yeah. - Have a merry one, now.

- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas, Al.

Merry Christmas, Tru.

-(laughs) Thank you, Al. - Yeah.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(busy chatter)

MAN: I can't remember where the second one is.

MALE VOICE (recorded): Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Merry Christmas.

Hope you're on the nice list.

WOMAN: That doesn't go over there.

(chatter continues indistinctly)

WOMAN: Excuse me.

(chatter continues indistinctly)

What the hell is this?

You are the worst catering company on the planet.

It's lengthwise, not width.

Unbelievable.

♪ ♪

(watch beeps)

Okay.

Hi. Hi, guys. Merry Christmas.

- Hi. - I'm fine. Thank you so much.

("The Twelve Days of Christmas" playing)

I'll never get over the fact that you grew up like this.

My therapist says I'll never get over it, either.

I need a drink.

♪ Two turtledoves ♪

♪ And a partridge in a pear tree... ♪

-(whistle tooting) - Hey, look at that.

Hi, Linda.

-(chuckling): Hey. - How's it going, Alva?

Mm-hmm. You gained weight.

-(coughing) - Looks good on you, though.

- Thank you. - Mm-hmm.

'Sup, limp dick?

(sighs)

I got great feelings about this Christmas.

- You want to know why? - Yeah.

'Cause I think this is the year

that Mom's gonna kick herself upstairs

and choose one of us to start running the show.

And I got to tell you, Jason, that I'm gunning for your ass.

(clicks tongue)

What would a Lightstone family Christmas be

without groveling and infighting?

(Alva chuckling)

SERVER: Your rosé, ma'am.

Honey, smile. It's Christmas.

Mm.

Good. Good girl.

(chuckles)

I am sorry about my sister.

♪ Making spirits bright ♪

♪ What fun it is to ride and sing... ♪

It is really nice to see you.

To have you here.

♪ Jingle all the way... ♪

Okay, I'm behind. Catch me up on all the hot goss.

Hot goss. Okay.

Um, well, you remember Bert, my sister's pride and joy.

Yo, yo, yo. This is the Bert Locker

living that bling life on Christmas Eve.

(laughs, inhales sharply)

Hashtag "blessed."

He just got what I can only assume

will be his first of many sexual harassment accusations.

Mom paid off the school,

and now the gymnasium is named after us.

Of course she did.

What about Tragic Mike?

All I'm saying is,

if I was on one of those planes,

9/11 would've ended with a bunch of terrorists

skydiving over Connecticut without their parachutes.

-(grunts) Yeah. You like that? - ALVA: Yes. Yes.

- Yeah, I do like it. - Ooh.

- Kiss me in front of my son. - Now, huh?

- Mm... -(Alva chuckles)

He might actually be a decent actor.

- Hmm. -He's been doing an Oscar-worthy job

- of pretending to find my sister appealing. -(laughs)

Now he wants Mom to fund a film for him.

(laughing)

(indistinct chatter)

- MORGAN: It's Gertrude! - It's Mom.

- Okay, let's do this. - Okay, okay. Come on.

- Come on. Bert, get over here. - No. Mom. Mom!

- Positions. - Game time, buddy.

- Okay. Okay. - This is my good side.

- BERT: I'm busy. -ALVA: We've gone over this! Come on!

MORGAN: Gosh. Okay.

ALVA: Bert, get in the middle.

(sighs): So it begins.

Seriously, come. You know what that means.

Shall we jockey forward?

No.

No, we can hang back.

Yeah.

Trudy, honey?

Come on over here.

-(growls playfully) -(Trudy chuckles)

Just, like...

GERTRUDE: Threaten 'em or bribe 'em.

This isn't rocket science.

Same shit we always do.

That's what?

That's the best you can do?

Excited to see your grandma?

Listen, you cocksucker.

It's Christmas, so why don't you take

your best offer, gift wrap it,

and ram it up your fucking box.

(Alva clears throat)

GERTRUDE: Maybe you don't realize who I am.

Those were Grandma words. You know, forget them.

ALVA: Oh, boy. Look at Mr. Cool back here.

Yeah, what's your angle, man? Hmm?

No angle. I'm not doing anything.

(scoffing): Oh, yeah.

GERTRUDE: No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. No!

Don't shit in my mouth and tell me it's chocolate cake.

(chuckles) Grandma's cool.

GERTRUDE: I can make that story go away...

I think your brother's up to something.

No, I just decided to let you guys

have all the fun sucking up to Mom today.

Please. You are King Suck-up.

You named your kid Gertrude.

(Linda scoffs)

Alva, you named your son Bertrude.

Okay.

Sorry, Bert, but that's not a real name.

Sorry, Linda. We can't all be lucky enough to have daughters.

Mom, I can hear you.

You know something we don't. What is it?

No, I don't. I don't.

I got it. Bingo.

I'm onto you, man. Come on!

- We were just... - MORGAN: Come on,

come on, come on, come on.

- GERTRUDE: You big sack of shit. - Ooh.

No wonder your husband left you.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Merry Christmas to you, too, Senator.

- Merry Christmas, Mommy. - Merry Christmas.

(chuckling)

LINDA: Merry Christmas.

Why in the hell are you standing all the way back there?

Merry Christmas, Grandma!

- GERTRUDE: Aw. - Little bitch.

Little Gertrude. And how is my favorite granddaughter?

Everybody calls me Trudy now.

Trudy?

- Well, that makes her sound like a whore. -Okay.

Oh, she doesn't even know the meaning of the word.

I'm starving. Let's eat.

ALVA: Great.

And, Mom, I think Gertrude is a beautiful name.

Mm-hmm. I only call her Gertrude.

- Merry Christmas, Gertrude. - Come on, Bertrude.

♪ When the kids are fast asleep ♪

♪ Gently down the stairs we'll creep ♪

(swallows, gags)

♪ Then we'll lock and bolt all the doors ♪

♪ Just you and me and Santa Claus ♪

(groans)

♪ We'll be as quiet as quiet can be ♪

♪ Planting toys under the tree ♪

♪ We'll be crawling around on all fours ♪

♪ Just you and me ♪

-♪ And Santa Claus ♪ -(belching)

(whooping)

♪ ♪

♪ For soon will be ♪

-♪ That magic time ♪ -(scoffs)

♪ When we hear that midnight chime ♪

-(wind whistling) -(urine splattering)

-♪ When that flying sleigh ♪ -(grunts)

♪ Finally flies away ♪

♪ We'll have a very merry Christmas Day ♪

♪ We'll raise a toast to the team with the most ♪

♪ The best there ever was ♪

♪ You and me and Santa Claus... ♪

Another fucking Christmas.

(song ends)

TRUDY: I made these all by myself.

- JASON: No way. - LINDA: Mm-hmm.

TRUDY: I even made one that looks exactly like Santa.

- Exactly. - JASON (laughs): Yeah.

Santa gets a candy cane, too?

Yeah.

Mm, okay.

It's perfect.

No peeking.

This house has so many chimneys.

(Linda chuckles)

How will Santa know which one to come down?

Oh, Santa just knows.

Christmas magic.

Honey, what's wrong?

Daddy never took me to see Santa at the mall this year.

LINDA: He didn't.

I am so sorry.

This year has been weird.

I never got to tell Santa what I wanted for Christmas.

Oh, honey. Come here.

You know what?

You go put your pj's on,

and I will be two minutes.

♪ ♪

(hushed): Yes!

Okay...

(muttering)

(sighs): Yes.

(paper rustling)

Yes!

Because you have been so good to me and Mommy this year,

we decided that you could have one gift...

(gasps) early!

- Really? -(Jason chuckling)

What is it?

That is a very special walkie-talkie.

It's magic.

- Magic? - Mm-hmm.

What you got right there

is a direct hotline to Santa Claus himself.

- I can talk to Santa? - Oh, yeah.

It's just like writing him a letter... but better.

Mm-hmm.

Now, the only thing is,

he might not have time to answer you.

He's delivering a lot of presents tonight.

Mm-hmm.

But he'll hear everything you want to say to him.

(beeps, crackles)

Hello, Santa?

This is Trudy Lightstone.

I hope you're having a nice night.

JASON: Mm. (kissing rapidly)

It's really cold tonight, so don't forget your mittens.

So, I wanted to tell you, Santa,

I was extra good this year,

so I wrote a big list for you with all the stuff I wanted.

But then...

then I realized I don't need any of that.

I really only want one present for Christmas.

I want Mommy and Daddy to make up

so we can be a family again.

Okay.

Good night, Santa.

Good night, Mr. Bunny.

(sighs)

(footsteps squishing)

(groans)

Which one of you did that?

(reindeer grunting)

You can't go two seconds without

crapping on the roof like a bunch of pigeons?

(huffing)

So unprofessional.

(sighs)

You know, Rudolph will never do this crap.

-(jingling) -(whooshing)

(sighs, grunts)

♪ ♪

Hmm.

Mmm.

(chuckling)

Mmm, mmm.

Homemade.

Mmm.

(slurps)

Ugh.

Skim.

Oh, yeah.

That's the stuff.

Mmm.

DuBoi...

- On some prewar shit right there. -(cork pops)

- Good shit. -(cork clatters on floor)

("We Wish You a Merry Christmas" melody plays)

(melody ends)

(exhales sharply) Mmm.

That pairs well.

What do we have here?

(sighing)

(chair vibrating)

Oh, yeah.

That's the stuff.

(slurping)

- You know, uh... -(sighs)

Christmas is all right,

but you Americans don't celebrate my favorite holiday.

Oh, yeah? What?

Boxing Day.

(glass shatters)

♪ ♪

(watch beeping)

(chiming)

(watches chiming)

(watch chiming)

Yo, yo. B. Lightstone here,

live streaming the dream, you know.

They say the richest man...

Say goodbye.

And if you...

Grandma! Your Wi-Fi sucks dick.

Damn it!

When he was small, I begged you to beat him.

(gasps softly)

Hey. Merry Christmas.

Or should I say "happy holidays" now?

Right? I mean, it's like, people, make up your minds.

- You know what I'm saying? - Can I help you?

Oh, yeah. I sure hope so. See, uh,

my car broke down a little ways...

Out here? This is a private road.

You're telling me. (chuckles)

It's the first place I've seen for miles.

I think I got frostbite.

Where the hell am I, anyway?

G.T. Lightstone family compound.

I'll call you a tow.

-(silenced gunshot) -(grunts)

♪ ♪

All right, revelers.

(over earpiece): Time to steal Christmas.

Sound off.

Jingle. Check.

Peppermint. Check.

Sugarplum. Check.

Krampus. Ready to fuck shit up.

Candy Cane. Check.

- Go for Frosty. - Go for Tinsel.

Go for Gingerbread.

Are we gonna use these stupid code names all night?

(over earpiece): 'Tis the season.

Welcome to your worst Christmas ever.

Trudy loves seeing Santa at the mall.

She loves going with her father.

And you should've taken her yesterday,

like you do every Christmas,

but we didn't even hear from you.

Mom put me on a special project.

- It's complicated. - But it's not,

because it keeps happening over and over.

- Your mother forcing herself between us. -You're right.

♪ ♪

What if we could give Trudy her Christmas wish?

(scoffs) You're trying to win me back

with a romantic weekend at your mother's?

What if things really changed this time?

We got out from under my mother's thumb.

We'll walk away.

From the company, the family.

Tonight.

What are you up to?

(distant gunfire)

-(rapid gunfire) -(grunts)

(chair vibrating)

-(distant gunfire) -(snorts)

(vibrating stops)

(gunfire continues)

(groaning)

(gunfire continues)

(grunting)

(panting quietly)

(whimpering)

-(Candy Cane yells) -(grunts)

Let's go.

We need to get you out of here.

Mommy, where are you going?

- She's going for the panic room! - What?

- Yes. Go, Bertrude. - Without us?

-(gunfire continues) -(groaning)

(grunts)

ALVA: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

(gunfire)

GERTRUDE: There isn't room for all of us.

She can fit at least two of us. Mom, take me.

- Mom! (stammers) - Oh. Yeah.

M-Mom, can Bert come, too?

-(device beeps) -(whirring)

Okay. Move it or lose it, son.

- Move it! - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're supposed to protect us.

We protect the primary asset.

Who the hell are you?

You can call me Mr. Scrooge.

Hilarious.

Get him.

(grunting and groaning)

Bah humbug, motherfucker.

♪ ♪

SCROOGE: Hey. Step aside.

Tinsel, Peppermint, sweep upstairs.

I want all the Lightstones together.

Kill anybody else you find.

(panting, whimpering)

Fuck. Fuck, fuck.

LINDA: Trudy, honey, we got to go.

JASON: Wake up, honey. Wake up.

Maybe we can get out the back by the servants' stairs.

(gasps)

(crackles, whistles)

Oh, come on. Not now. Not now.

(crackles, whistles)

Fuck! Fuck!

Mistletoe, gingerbread.

(crackles, whistles)

(gasps)

(banging)

Hey!

(jingling)

Oh. Oh.

(chuckling): Hi.

You got me.

I don't want any trouble, okay?

Downstairs. Now.

Look, mister, I don't want to get involved.

I just... I just have a job to do.

Okay? That's it.

I'm just gonna take my bag,

and I'm just gonna scooch up that chimney.

(both grunt)

Enough talk. Let's go.

You don't want to do this.

What? This?

(both grunt)

Now, move!

-(groaning) - Are you deaf?

Fucking move!

(Tinsel gasps)

(grunting)

(snorting, grunting)

(rapid hoofbeats)

No, no, no.

No! Wait!

Wait.

Wait! Don't go!

Come back!

(grunting)

(both yelling)

(grunting and groaning)

-(sizzling) -(screaming)

(steam hissing)

(groaning)

(both yelling, grunting)

(groaning)

(crackling, whistling)

(grunting and groaning)

(strained grunting)

(screaming)

(yells)

Oh, fuck!

(grunts)

(coughs, groans)

(groaning)

Oh, shit.

(wind whistling)

(frustrated grunt)

(panting, gasping)

Damn chickenshit reindeer leave me here to die.

(to tune of "Silent Night"): ♪ Violent night ♪

♪ Gory night ♪

♪ All is calm ♪

♪ If all doesn't want to get shot in the fucking head. ♪

GERTRUDE: Cute.

Do you have any idea who you're fucking with?

(groaning)

I know exactly who I'm fucking with.

Oh, wait, wait. Did you actually think

that I spent months

planning a complex break-in to the most secure

private residence in the country

and I didn't know who lived here?

Well, you're wrong.

'Cause your staff are dead.

- Your security are dead. -(grunts)

Now, sit down and shut the fuck up!

(Trudy screams)

♪ ♪

Oh, fuck.

We planned it. It's all right.

It'll be solved in a couple minutes.

Better be solved.

So much like a scene from my movie Dark Ransom.

Oh, my God.

If they didn't have guns,

I could take out three, maybe four of them.

ALVA: Try all of them.

Ew, Mom. Yuck.

If you'd really done your research, you'd know

that my brother Rory was kidnapped in the '70s.

But my father never called the police.

Dad sent in our own private extraction team,

and Rory was home safe and sound a week later.

And the kidnappers were never found.

If you get me.

I know.

I know all about your extraction team

that you affectionately call "the Kill Squad"

behind closed doors.

I also know that they're on their way

and how long it's gonna take 'em to get here.

I even know their credit ratings and their dick sizes.

If you get me.

Then you should also know you're already dead.

We don't do ransoms.

Again, I know. I know.

See, I know a lot, Gertrude.

I really do.

Like the fact that you have 300 million in U.S. dollars

sitting in your personal vault downstairs.

- The fuck? - SCROOGE: That's right.

300 million that the U.S. government

gave Lightstone to quietly distribute in the Middle East

to all the worst people,

to grease the wheels and keep that sweet oil flowing.

300 million that-- oops-- disappeared in the fog of war.

Except it didn't really disappear, did it, Gerty?

'Cause you stole it.

Did you know about this?

SCROOGE: Man, this family.

This moneygrubbing family.

Clinging desperately to your wealth,

when your poor employees don't even have enough coal

to keep Tiny Tim warm.

What is it with you and all this Christmas shit?

Talk all you want.

You'll never get in the vault.

Oh, oh, oh, because when you-you hit the panic button,

it reset the combination?

I keep telling you, I know.

♪ ♪

SCROOGE: This is what breaking into a vault has turned into?

Remember when you just had to drill holes and blow shit up?

I don't know, maybe I'm getting old,

but there was something romantic about that.

CANDY CANE (over radio): Boss, you copy?

I'm kind of busy here.

You're gonna want to see this.

Maybe he fell.

You rappel down buildings with him.

You gonna tell me he just fell out a window?

All right, look lively, gang.

We got a gopher.

LINDA: You know what?

Um, I think Mr. Bunny wants to go to sleep.

So, let's tuck him in.

Okay?

It's gonna be okay.

♪ ♪

Hello? Santa?

Are you there?

(panting)

Shit.

(radio crackles)

(over radio): This is Candy Cane at checkpoint three.

(gasps) Oh, shit.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

(panting)

Video game.

Video game.

Didn't anybody ask for a bat or a sword

- or Molotov cocktails? -(door opens)

(whispers): Wait.

♪ ♪

(grunts)

CHILD'S VOICE (recorded): Mommy, I love you.

("¿Dónde Está Santa Claus?" by Toni Stante playing)

Poetry book.

Die Hard on Blu-ray. Fuck!

(grunting)

-♪ Mamacita ♪ -♪ Mamacita, ah-ooh ♪

-♪ ¿Dónde está Santa Claus? ♪ -♪ Mamacita ♪

-(grunts, chokes) -♪ Ah-ooh ♪

-♪ ¿Dónde está Santa Claus? ♪ -♪ Mamacita, ah-ooh... ♪

-(grunts) -(gun clicks)

Safety's on, dipshit.

(grunting continues)

-♪ Mamacita ♪ -♪ Mamacita, ah-ooh ♪

♪ Oh, where is Santa Claus? ♪

♪ Mamacita, ah-ooh ♪

♪ I look for him because ♪

Wait. Hang on. Hang on.

♪ It's Christmas Eve... ♪

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Look.

I don't want to kill you.

(chuckles)

(laughing)

Wow, a big fat guy, gray beard.

Eh?

Santa...

I'm gonna rip your fucking balls off.

(both yelling)

(grunting with effort)

♪ I hope he won't forget to crack his castanets ♪

♪ And to his reindeer say ♪

♪ "Oh, Pancho, oh, Vixen, oh, Pedro, oh, Blitzen..." ♪

Oh, shit. (grunts)

(pained grunting)

(machine beeping)

-♪ Mamacita ♪ -♪ Mamacita, ah-ooh ♪

♪ ¿Dónde está Santa Claus? ♪

(screams)

♪ Oh, where is Santa Claus? ♪

♪ Mamacita, ah-ooh ♪

♪ It's Christmas Eve ♪

♪ Christmas Eve ♪

♪ ♪

(grunts fiercely)

(screaming, groaning)

(pained yelling)

♪ I hope he won't forget ♪

♪ To crack his castanets ♪

-(screams, grunts) -♪ And to his reindeer say ♪

♪ "Oh, Pancho, oh, Vixen, oh, Pedro, oh, Blitzen ♪

♪ Olé, olé, olé" ♪

-♪ Mamacita ♪ -♪ Mamacita, ah-ooh ♪

♪ ¿Dónde está Santa Claus? ♪

♪ Mamacita, ah-ooh ♪

♪ Oh, where is Santa Claus? ♪

♪ Mamacita, ah-ooh ♪

-♪ It's Christmas Eve ♪ -♪ Christmas Eve ♪

♪ It's Christmas Eve ♪

♪ Mamacita ♪

-♪ It's Christmas Eve ♪ -♪ Mamacita. ♪

-(yells) -(screaming in pain)

(song ends)

(Frosty screaming hysterically)

(whimpers, growls)

(whimpering)

(gasping)

-(electrical crackling) -(sputtering)

-(grunts) -(steam hissing)

(chuckles)

Ah, God.

Whew.

Whew. Whew.

(over radio): This is Candy Cane checking in.

Compound is clear and secured.

-(radio crackling, beeping) -(grunting)

SCROOGE: Copy. What's the status on the Kill Squad?

(coughing)

GINGERBREAD: Kill Squad won't be here for two hours.

So we're doing good. The outer seal's already been breached.

Is there a 911 thing on here?

(whimpers) My...

Am I doing that correct?

Hello?

Hello, can anybody hear me?

TRUDY: Can you hear me, Santa?

♪ ♪

Hello?

Santa?

Yeah, this is Santa.

I hope I'm not bothering you.

Daddy said you were very busy tonight.

I'm...

I'm on a break.

Who-who am I speaking to?

My name is Trudy Lightstone,

and I've been very good this year.

(grunts) Trudy...

(panting)

Trudy Lightstone.

(chuckles)

Yeah, Trudy.

You're on my nice list.

You've been a very good girl this year.

Where are you now, Trudy?

TRUDY: I'm in a big room with all my relatives.

There's two bad men with guns watching us.

SANTA: Oh, no. Six left.

TRUDY: Are you gonna help us, Santa?

Yeah. Of course I'm gonna help you.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna get you out of there.

Take all these bad guys on my naughty list...

I'm gonna take a lump of coal,

each and every one of them, and shove it straight up...

The ass.

Well, I mean, come on, sweetie.

We want to keep you on the nice list, you know.

Sorry. Can I say "butthole," then?

I mean, it's borderline.

How about "anus"?

(sighs) Technically, yes, uh, "anus" is the tech...

Okay, look, uh, Tru... uh, Trudy.

I got to call for help, and the phone lines are down.

You probably know this house better than anybody.

You got any suggestions?

I have an idea.

All right, you're telling me there's a goddamn Santa Claus

running around here?

Okay, well, he looks jolly as fuck,

but who the hell is he?

There's no Santa listed on the employee manifest.

Yeah, there's more.

Frosty hasn't checked in. I can't reach him.

All right, keep trying.

♪ ♪

All right, it's official.

We got a gopher on the loose, and he's dangerous.

Watch your backs.

♪ ♪

Al? Al?

Oh, shit.

(clicking)

Oh, shit!

SCROOGE (over radio): Frosty, what's your status?

Frosty, sound off.

Uh, Frosty?

Is-is that, uh...

is that the naughty guy I met in the basement?

Your-your friend is dead.

Uh, he got a star in his face, then his head caught on fire.

It's a long story.

Oh.

Is this... is this our Santy?

Is this our... our Santy Claus?

Yeah, it is.

To whom am I speaking?

Well, for tonight, I'm Mr. Scrooge.

Now, what is it that you want exactly, Santa?

I want you to put down your weapons,

I want you to let this family go,

and then I want to find my reindeer,

and I want to continue delivering my presents.

Are you fucking with me?

All right, who the hell are you really, huh?

Some security guard who's watched too many action flicks?

Some loser ex-cop stuck in a mall

playing dress-up with fat kids pissing on your lap?

Stop me when I get it right.

It's a little more complicated than that.

Not to me, it's not.

'Cause I want to make it my personal mission,

my holiday to-do list, to find you and to end you

and to wipe my ass with you and this whole fucking holiday.

That's what I want for Christmas, Santa.

That is a terrible thing to want for Christmas.

But maybe you and I should discuss that in person.

Santa Claus is coming to town.

(sighs)

(trickling)

Shit.

All right, who did you hire

to play Santa at your Christmas party, huh?

-(gasping, coughing) - I said, who's playing Santa

at your fucked-up Christmas party?

(gasping, straining): I didn't hire a Santa.

I never have a Santa. It's tacky.

SCROOGE: So, who is he?

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride... ♪

Huh? Who is he?

Somebody better start talking,

or I'm gonna bash her brains in with this...

Damn, Gertrude. You really got a thing for nutcrackers, huh?

So, I'm gonna torture everyone in your family

until you tell me who's running around your mansion

playing Santa and fucking with my shit.

And who should I pick first?

Should I go by age?

-(Trudy whimpers) - LINDA: Shh.

Or should I go by IQ?

Pick Jason. He's my mom's favorite.

- Yep. Him. - The one in the sweater.

All right. Jason Lightstone it is.

- The number one son. - No.

Wait, wait, wait. No, we don't need...

We don't need to do that. No, it's okay.

No. No, no, no. We don't need to do this.

No. No, no, no, no.

Don't, don't, don't.

- No, don't... Put it... Don't... No. -(muttering)

- No, no, no, no. No, no. - Give me this fucking...

-(Jason whimpers, screams) -(snaps)

-(grunts) -(groaning)

-(whimpering gasp) -(screams)

(groaning)

I'm telling you, no one hired a Santa.

All right, all right, all right. You're right.

You're right. Let's stop it. Let's stop it.

What are we doing here? Come on.

What are we, amateurs? We're half-assing this.

Come on. It's not called a finger cracker.

Okay, Candy Cane.

Stick one of his bozaks in there.

I'm not touching his balls.

What, are you a princess all of a sudden?

I've seen you scoop out brains before.

CANDY CANE: You want me to scoop his brains out,

I'll scoop his brains out right now,

but I'm not touching his junk.

I don't care who does it.

I better be looking at flat balls,

like, in three seconds.

I'll do it.

Krampus. Perfect.

Oh, not that guy. Not that guy.

That's what I love about sociopaths.

Always up for trying new things.

You don't need to do this, okay?

No, it's all right. Um... Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

(panting): Oh, God. Oh, my God.

(Jason whimpers)

KRAMPUS: Put your nuts in.

Yummy, yummy.

Stop hurting my daddy...

or Santa will get mad.

Ah, what a cutie.

So, what do we know about Santa, little one?

She doesn't know anything about Santa.

(groans)

He wasn't asking you.

She's playing make-believe.

She's pretending to talk to Santa.

It's not pretend. Santa's my friend,

and he said he's going to save us.

JASON: No.

- And beat you up. - SCROOGE: Oh, is he?

I bet he'd come out of hiding if you asked him to, huh?

What do you say you come with me

- and we play a little game with him, huh? -No, no, no.

Trudy, come on. Tell him the truth now.

- You aren't talking to Santa. - Yes, I am.

No, you're not. Come on, now.

- Yes, I am. -Damn it, Trudy, Santa isn't real!

(gasps)

(sighs)

♪ ♪

I'm sorry, honey.

Santa's just a thing adults tell kids

to make them feel better, okay?

Your mommy and I give you the presents,

and we say they're from Santa.

(Jason sighs)

He's not coming to save us.

He doesn't exist.

It's all made-up.

- Really? - SCROOGE: Aw.

What a way to find out that there's no Santa.

Hey, let's come back Easter and ruin the Easter Bunny

- for her, too, huh? -(Krampus chuckling)

- LINDA: Trudy! - Come back here!

- Stop her! - Trudy! -Hey!

CANDY CANE: You idiots, stay at your posts.

LINDA: Trudy!

I'll find this little brat.

(panting)

♪ ♪

(sighs)

(song playing with eerie, indistinct chanted vocal)

(song continues with eerie, indistinct chanted vocal)

(shuddering breaths)

(short, pained breaths)

Okay.

(panting)

(grunts)

(exhales)

(song ends)

(panting)

(people screaming, shouting)

TRUDY (over radio): Santa. Santa.

- Santa! -(gasps)

(panting)

This is Trudy.

- Are you okay, Santa? -(breathing heavily, grunting)

Hi. Hey.

Are you okay?

I'm good. Uh...

I was just wrapping something up.

I ran away and hid in the attic.

Okay. If you're safe...

uh, just stay there and, uh, stay quiet, all right?

Okay. I can set up booby traps, like in Home Alone.

Okay, I don't know what that means,

but, uh, yeah, do that.

Just do it quietly.

Are you really Santa?

(chuckling)

Of course I am, sweetheart.

My daddy says there isn't any Santa.

He says parents just tell their kids that Santa's real

to make them feel better.

He said they give us presents

and say they're from Santa.

Yeah.

Yeah, a lot of parents say that.

But I still bring presents to kids that need me.

Kids who really believe.

How do you know who really needs you?

Christmas magic.

I'm not really sure how it works.

(chuckles)

But, uh...

(sighs)

I remember, um...

when Trudy Lightstone wrote to me.

She must have been about six years old,

and she said that she felt lonely sometimes.

She missed having a best friend.

And so I brought her

a beautiful little stuffed rabbit.

Mr. Bunny.

And then I remember the next year,

and you said you had this amazing dream

and that, afterwards, all you wanted to do was...

To fly!

(laughing): To fly. To fly.

I mean, Santa might have some magic, but...

making a little girl fly?

But giving you a kite,

floating just beneath the clouds,

well, it's about as good as it gets.

I knew it.

I knew you were real, Santa.

Don't be too hard on your parents, all right?

Grown-ups have a hard time believing things.

Can you use your Christmas magic

to make them love each other again?

I wish I had that kind of power.

Mrs. Claus and I have been going on year, uh,

1,100, and...

Grown-up relationships are complicated.

It takes work.

A lot of work.

Do you still love her?

Yeah, I do.

And sometimes, even if you want to make somebody happy...

...the magic just goes away.

Hey.

I've got an idea.

This will be fun.

Why don't you guys open your presents?

I want to see what you rich assholes get each other.

And some of you might not make it till tomorrow morning,

so this could be your only chance.

Come on.

Where's the Christmas spirit?

Uh...

Gertrude, uh, I got you something pretty special.

KRAMPUS: Did you hear that, Gertrude?

He got you something amazing.

(giggling excitedly): Oh, what could it be?

Oh, my God, this is exciting.

Mom.

Can I call you Mom?

Mrs. Lightstone.

Okay, so in the business, they call this...

...a pitch deck.

- Pitch deck. - MORGAN: Yeah.

It's called Explosive Force.

Starring me.

And if you look in the back,

there are the financial numbers.

I'm kind of a big deal in Asia.

Parts of Asia, at least.

We were in parts of Asia once, and, like,

we couldn't even go to a restaurant.

Ah, what is there a better gift than...

gift of a golden opportunity?

KRAMPUS (laughing): Oh, no.

(laughing)

Granny doesn't like it. (laughs)

Mother, I got you something really special.

It's a sentimental photo of the day I was born.

I remember.

I was there.

KRAMPUS: She doesn't give a shit.

(laughing)

- Swing and miss again! -(glass shatters)

This is so fun.

ALVA: Mommy, how about another one?

I got you a lot of good things.

- I'll grab one. - Alva, Alva, sit down.

You've already given me one. It's...

It's Jason's turn.

JASON: Uh...

I th... I-I think I left it in the car.

No, I-I saw you put one under the tree earlier.

- No. It's in the... - Yeah, I did.

I could've sworn. You know what, it's, uh...

Y-You don't... you don't... you don't... you...

It's this one, right? Yeah, I got you, bro.

Come on.

(panting quietly)

Thank you.

It's my favorite whiskey.

You can skip the note.

♪ ♪

(sighs)

Thank you, Jason.

What's the card say?

I think I'll just keep that between Jason and I.

No one really needs to know. Right, Jason?

Right.

TRUDY: Did you ever have a mommy and daddy?

(grunts)

(chuckling): Yeah, of course I had a mommy and daddy.

I wasn't... I wasn't always Santa Claus.

I had a life before this.

A long, long, long time ago.

They used to call me, uh...

Nicomund.

(flames rumbling)

(panting)

SANTA: Nicomund the Red.

(people yelling)

TRUDY: You had a different job then?

SANTA: Yeah, you could say that.

I was a warrior.

A raider. A thief.

-(man screams) - And if somebody got in my way,

me and Skullcrusher would...

TRUDY: Who's Skullcrusher?

Skullcrusher's my, uh...

my hammer.

My favorite hammer.

I was a surgeon with that thing.

Used to be able to take three heads, line 'em up...

(makes thudding sound)

But why?

What?

Why'd you do those things?

Because I was mean.

And I was greedy.

And I wanted gold, jewels.

Yeah, I mean, if there was a naughty list back then,

I'd be top dog.

Well, maybe...

What?

Maybe all those bad things you used to do...

...maybe you can use them to do good things instead.

To help.

What do you mean?

Mr. Bunny, he wasn't just a toy.

That night, you gave me what I wished for.

A best friend.

'Cause you're good and kind.

And you mean more than just the presents you bring.

That's why I believe in you, Santa.

That's why I believe.

(exhaling sharply)

Thank you.

You stay hidden, Trudy, till I come get you.

Stay safe.

SCROOGE: All right, we got satellite confirmation.

Extraction team's on the go.

ETA: 30 minutes.

We're on schedule.

Everything's good.

-(engines revving) - THORP: All right, fellas.

Look alive, look alive.

You all know the plan,

and I like my operations like I like to fuck:

hard and fast with minimal cleanup.

Now, some idiot gets in your way, what do you do?

ALL: Fuck their shit up right!

Damn right.

- Time to lube up. -(engines revving)

Let's go, motherfuckers! Let's go!

(whispers): This fucking family.

MALE VOICE (recorded): Ho, ho, ho, ho.

-(gasps) - Merry Christmas.

Happy holidays.

Traitor.

(grunts)

I got him in the east wing.

SCROOGE: All right, we're on our way. Hold him.

(grunting, panting)

(yells)

(gasps)

(both grunting)

Step aside.

-(gunshot) -(whooshing)

♪ ♪

SCROOGE (in other room): Now, how did this tired, old,

fat piece of shit get the drop on us?

GINGERBREAD: I don't know.

CANDY CANE: He's not even armed.

This bag is the only thing he had on him.

SCROOGE: What's in there?

Can't see anything.

SCROOGE: Here, give it to me.

What kind of moron...

carries a chess set with him?

What the fuck?

Doesn't make any sense. Look at all this shit.

(thuds, strings twang)

(chuckling)

So, you're gonna tell us what's the gimmick with the bag?

It's magic.

You put your hand in, out comes a present.

I don't really understand how it works, either.

So, you're Mr. Scrooge.

That's right.

But who are you?

Weihnachtsmann.

Julenissen.

Shèngdàn Laorén.

Babbo Natale, Père Noel, Kris Kringle.

Jolly old Saint Nick.

People call me a lot of things.

SCROOGE: Ha, ha, ha. Very funny.

Or should I say, "Ho, ho, ho"?

If you're Santa, where's your reindeer?

They were on the roof

until that guy I turned into an ice kebab just...

(Santa imitates rapid gunfire)

You don't believe me?

Go check.

Prancer left a tasty log up there.

SCROOGE: This fucking guy.

You don't think...

Now, I know you're an idiot, but don't be an idiot out loud.

Come on, he's just in Santy Claus

with a fucking trick bag.

SANTA: Oh, no!

That bag was full of kids' dreams!

SCROOGE: Oh, come on.

Everybody knows that Christmas dreams are bullshit.

My father used to make a big deal out of it

every Christmas.

Every freaking Christmas with the presents

and the candy and the decorations

and the Christmas caroling and all that bullshit.

And then when I was...

I don't know, ten, 11,

he got laid off, and that Christmas,

couldn't even afford a tree.

No Christmas dinner, no gifts.

Nothing, nada, culo, dick.

But our neighbors...

our neighbors, oh, they had it all.

I could see all that yuletide cheer

through their window mocking me.

So Christmas Eve rolls around, and...

I waited for everybody to go to bed.

And then I snuck in there to take it all.

Only problem was that the gramps got up to take a piss

and the two of us scared the shit out of each other.

And, um, he fell down the stairs

and-and broke his neck, and he died in the hospital.

Everybody thought that I did it,

and every time I tried to tell them,

I tried to tell them that...

Anyway, maybe I did do it.

Maybe I did push him.

Poor old fucker.

So, you see, Christmas ruined my life.

Okay? But you know what?

It set me on the path

and made me the great man that I am today.

I'm sorry, Jimmy.

I really am.

But I do gifts. I do Christmas cheer.

I don't get involved in people's lives.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, well, maybe you fucking should!

Um, how did he know your name?

Oh, Bjorn.

What's your excuse?

Huh?

Didn't I get you that Huffy bike you wanted back in '82?

One you wrote me 50 times about!

What about you, Kira?

Well, you made your brother eat worms.

That's naughty!

Okay, how does he know about my bike?

It's a lucky guess, like: "Hey, do you like big tits?"

Come on, every kid wants a fucking bike.

- You're gonna tell me who you work for... -Oh, Christ. No.

...then you've got five seconds to tell me who you really are.

Five, four, three, two...

I'm Santa Claus!

Well, not anymore.

♪ ♪

GINGERBREAD: Is it snowing?

CANDY CANE: Is he doing this with Santa magic?

Let it snow!

It's not snow.

It's Styrofoam.

I told you this guy's a big phony.

(grunts)

(whooshing)

(groaning)

(grunts, sighs)

Where'd he go?

GINGERBREAD: He went up the chimney.

- I saw it. - SCROOGE: I don't know,

he had a rig or some pulley system

- that just yanked him up. - You can't fit up there.

- It's impossible. - Oh, you see one weird thing,

and then you think you're in a fairy tale?

KRAMPUS (over radio): Incoming.

We've got sleigh bells approaching.

Oh, my God.

It's his reindeer.

-(hits table) - It's the extraction team.

Pull yourselves together!

(engines revving)

♪ ♪

(engines revving in distance)

And that is the sound of my Kill Squad.

(Bert laughing)

Oh, you're fizzity-fucked now.

Huh? What are you gonna do? You little elf bitch.

Fu... (grunts)

(gasps) Bertie.

Hashtag "blessed."

(yells, grunts)

Yeah! (yells)

Parkour.

Kill him, babe!

-(yells) Oh! -(others gasping)

Morgan's gonna save us.

Jean-Claude Van Dipshit just ditched us, sweetie.

Hold your fire.

Barrel roll!

(grunting, panting)

Easy, easy.

-(grunts) Yeah! - Easy.

Identify yourself.

I'm one of the hostages.

Morgan Steel, the actor.

Played a lot of soldiers in my career.

Can I just say, thank you for your service. Semper fi.

What's the situation inside?

Bunch of ex-military guys,

but I got to warn you, they know you're coming.

I think they're ready for you.

They better be.

We're on a tight schedule.

Shit.

(gasps) Oh, f...

- All right, let's move out. - Let's move out.

Come on.

You got to be kidding me.

SCROOGE: Hey, Thorp, you're ten minutes late.

What kept you?

Looks to me like your net's got a hole in it.

Or are you just letting your hostages out for some exercise?

No, no, no. We got a wild gopher running around

complicating shit and causing problems.

Who? Lightstone security?

Nah, I don't think so. Some intruder dressed as Santa.

But I'm telling you, I'm telling you,

there's something weird about him.

Might be the real Santa.

- The fuck did she just say? - SCROOGE: Nothing, nothing.

She's joking.

My squad will take care of it.

Beta Team, go find this asshole.

Go.

Now, let's unwrap our present, shall we?

All right, you heard the man.

Time to kill Santa.

I've got him. He's on the roof.

Roger that. I got eyes on him.

(gasping)

(screams)

(groaning)

(panting, grunting)

Right, Sugarplum. Hit that button.

(tapping keys)

(clunking, whirring)

Here we go.

Our skeleton key.

The "open" magic stick.

This better fucking work.

I'm flushing my career for this, my reputation.

Yeah, well, then you can buy yourself a new rep.

THORP: As a kid, I loved

unwrapping Christmas presents so much

that my mom would wrap empty boxes for me.

I didn't care that nothing was inside.

♪ ♪

Is this a fucking joke?

No.

THORP: You said it would fucking be here!

I'm telling you, my intel was rock solid.

I had guys on the inside.

300 million in cash was delivered here yesterday

to this fucking mansion.

Somebody must've intercepted it.

Son of a bitch.

(groaning)

(panting)

(groans)

Oh, shit.

Santa, you okay?

(over radio): Santa.

A bunch of new bad guys showed up.

They're on the naughty list.

They got their gadgets and their gizmos on them.

I'm sorry. I think this is it, kid.

No, no, don't say that.

The naughty list...

just grows and grows.

(device whirring)

He's in that structure. Body cams on.

TRUDY: Don't give up.

You make a wish this time, Santa.

Just this once.

If you could have anything in this world,

what would it be?

SANTA: I wish I could see Mrs. Claus again,

tell her how much I love her.

Then you make that wish come true.

-(ring clinking) - Oh, shit.

No, no, no, no. No, no.

(grunting)

Oh, God.

(grunts) No.

♪ ♪

You said these guys, they're naughty.

And what do you do to the naughty ones?

I give them a lump of coal.

Yeah. Give them their lumps.

Take that coal and shove it straight up their...

- Anuses. - Yeah!

♪ ♪

They're right outside.

(whooshing)

♪ ♪

Santa's gonna eat through these guys

like a plate full of cookies.

(whispering)

Move, move.

Hey, lock it up.

Lights down.

Stay at my back.

All right, we got this, boys.

(fierce grunting)

(yelling in pain)

-(yelps, groans) -(neck snaps)

♪ ♪

(gasps)

(pained yelling)

All right, where the fuck is my money?!

Where's the money?!

(yells)

All right, I've been a sweetheart up to now.

But that's all over.

No more fucking games!

Where's the money?

Or I will shoot every last one of you and enjoy it.

- It's in the vault. - I just looked in the vault.

Had the money been in there,

I'd have a different expression on my face.

Impossible.

Takes days to get into that thing.

Not if we have the key, Mrs. Lightstone.

GERTRUDE: Thorp.

(sighs)

You can't trust anyone these days.

SCROOGE: I'm not sure how, but you

or one of your shithead kids moved the money.

And this upsets me.

It upsets me

in a way that makes me want to just randomly shoot at people.

Hold on. Just... Sorry.

- Um... - What? What?

Uh, what if you randomly shoot

the only person who knows where it is?

Oh, fuck you people!

♪ ♪

♪ We waited all through the year ♪

♪ For the day to appear ♪

(grunting and groaning)

♪ When we could be together ♪

♪ In harmony ♪

(yells)

♪ You know the time will come ♪

(grunts, screams)

♪ Peace on Earth for everyone ♪

SANTA: Suck on this.

(grunting, gurgling)

♪ And we can live forever ♪

♪ In a world where we are free ♪

♪ Let it shine for you and me ♪

♪ There's something about Christmastime ♪

♪ Something about Christmastime ♪

♪ That makes you wish it was Christmas every day... ♪

I need some feedback, guys.

(grunting and yelling over monitor)

Guys, what the hell is going on?

♪ The way that the old folks smile ♪

♪ Says that Christmas will never go away ♪

-♪ We're all as one tonight ♪ -(grunting and groaning)

♪ Makes no difference if you're Black or white ♪

(grunting and groaning continue)

♪ 'Cause we can sing together ♪

(screaming)

♪ In harmony ♪

♪ I know it's not too late ♪

♪ The world would be ♪

-♪ A better place ♪ -(engine starts, rumbles)

- What's that? - Huh?

♪ If we can keep the spirit ♪

(grunting and groaning continue)

♪ More than one day in the year ♪

♪ Send a message loud and clear ♪

♪ There's something about Christmastime ♪

♪ Something about Christmastime ♪

♪ That makes you wish it was Christmas every day ♪

(grunting, screaming)

♪ To see the joy in the children's eyes ♪

♪ The way that the old folks smile ♪

♪ Says that Christmas will never go away ♪

♪ It's the time of year when everyone's together... ♪

Jesus Christ.

Nope. Just jolly old Saint Nick.

♪ Here on Christmas Day ♪

(grunts)

♪ When the ones you love are there ♪

♪ You can feel the magic in the air... ♪

-(grunts) Oh, God! - There you go.

A little stocking stuffer.

Where is it? Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

- I got to watch. - Fuck!

Ho-Ho-Holy shit.

♪ Christmas will never go away. ♪

Gertrude would never trust anybody

who wasn't blood with this kind of info.

So...

the in-laws wouldn't know shit,

which means that I can shoot her...

(gasping)

...unless you tell me where the fucking money is.

LINDA: Please don't, okay? It's Christmas.

Shut up!

I swear, I'll blow her brains out

unless you tell me where the money went.

I did it!

- What? - JASON: Okay. Yeah, I did it.

- I moved the money. - No, d-don't-don't be an idiot.

- What? - The money's our only leverage.

Well, my wife has a fucking gun to her head, so...

Yeah, how did you find out that we were coming, huh?

I didn't. I was stealing it.

(Linda sighs)

- Yeah, coincidence. - ALVA: Oh, my God.

I was planning to take the money

and leave with my wife and daughter tonight

and never come back here.

Oh, and then my mom would, uh,

read the note with her whiskey in the morning

and know what I had done.

For years, I have been telling you

to stop caring about your mother's fucking money!

And you think the solution was to steal a bunch of it.

Well, it... yeah, it does sound stupid

when you say it like that.

ALVA: How can you do this right now?

It's disgusting. After all that Mother has given us?

Come on, Alva. Everything she ever gave you,

she made damn sure we knew

she had the power to take right back.

I have spent years groveling to you.

In the meanwhile, I was destroying

the only good thing in my life.

KRAMPUS: What are we doing here, huh?

Family therapy or doing a heist?

- Yeah, enough of this sharing bullshit. -(Linda gasps)

All right. Where'd you put it?

(Candy Cane scoffs)

Look at this little idiot.

Oh, no.

What?

- The bad guys found me. - Okay.

I'm coming.

You know, booby traps don't work unless you hide them.

You little moron.

-(yelling) - Jesus! Shit!

(Gingerbread continues yelling)

GINGERBREAD: Help me! Help me! Help!

(yelling, gurgling)

You'll be f... (gags) You'll be fine.

Sit tight. I'll be back in a sec.

(pained yelling)

Right after I kill this little piece of shit!

(panting) You little fucking brat.

(creaking)

(grunts, whimpers)

(grunts)

(screams)

(grunts)

(yelling)

(squishing)

(screaming)

(grunts, yelps)

(gasping breaths)

(yells in pain)

(whimpering)

(grunts)

You're dead!

You're so fucking dead!

Fucking piece of shit.

(scoffs) You little...

(gasping)

(grunting)

- Incoming! -(gasps)

(straining)

(yelps)

(chuckles)

(straining)

(gasps)

(groaning)

(screams) Son of a fucking...

(chuckles)

-(crunching) -(screaming)

(groaning)

Fuck. (whimpers)

I got you now, kid.

Yeah? Heads up.

(chuckles)

That's all you got? You fucking...

(grunts, groans)

Enough of this shit. (spits)

♪ ♪

(panting)

(hammer drops to floor)

Santa!

(Santa grunts)

Hi, Trudy. Hi.

I made booby traps like in the movie. It was so funny.

(chuckling): Ho, ho, ho.

(rustling)

(grunting weakly)

Trudy, I want you to, uh... just do me a favor.

Just turn around and close your eyes.

Maybe put your fingers in your ears and, uh,

sing "Jingle Bells" as loud as you can.

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, how fun it is to ride... ♪

You were about to murder an innocent child.

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells... ♪

Innocent?

- It's naughty. -(Trudy continues singing)

Naughty.

- Naughty! -(squishing thud)

It's part of the Lightstone legacy.

We're horrible people.

So I get why you did what you did.

When your grandfather told me I'd never run the company

because a girl doesn't have what it takes,

I had to snatch the reins away from him.

But the point is,

a Lightstone takes what's theirs.

I'm proud of you, son.

All right, where the hell is it?

(choral Christmas music playing over speakers)

The money's hidden inside.

SCROOGE: And the Three Wise Men presented him with gifts

of frankincense, myrrh...

...and cold hard cash.

Load it up, boys.

All right, we're securing the money.

Kill the hostages and meet us outside.

What?

No. (grunts)

♪ ♪

BERT: Mom.

It's fine, Bert.

Everything's fine.

Okay.

Everybody, get up.

(singsongy): It's time for a murder.

Come on. Come on. You don't want to kill us.

You really don't.

Oh, yes, I do.

I really, really, really do.

And I'm gonna start with you.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You got to kill Aunt Linda first.

What the hell, Bert?

You want to squeeze in being a little shit

before you die, Bertrude?

- I say shoot him first. - BERT: What?

ALVA: Wait. No, no, no. Don't shoot him.

Don't shoot him first. And don't you call him

a little shit, you gold-digging bitch.

Okay. I changed my mind.

- Shoot the alcoholic bitch first. -Don't call my mom

- an alcoholic bitch. - Your mom's an alcoholic.

- I'm sorry. - You're a gold-digging bitch.

Oh, I'm a gold-digger, when I have a whole-ass career?

You're not even part of the fucking family.

- She's an engineer. - You know goddamn well...

Shut up!

(sighs)

Just like rats in a barrel.

Why don't you die with some dignity?

-(grunts) -(flame whooshes)

(yelling, grunting)

Get off of me!

ALVA: Okay, okay.

BERT: Fuck you!

LINDA: This is for yelling at my child!

ALVA: Creep!

That's for slapping me, motherfucker!

ALVA: This is for your dumb fucking hat!

(grunting, yelling continue)

(all panting)

Is he...

Is he dead?

Yeah.

Thanks, Linda.

Well, it's nice to do something as a family for a change.

(laughter)

-(grunts) -(screaming) -Oh, shit!

KRAMPUS: I'm gonna... (grunts)

(gurgling)

ALVA: That was for Morgan.

He may have been stupid, but he was very, very hot.

Oh. Trudy!

- Mommy! -(sighs, grunts)

Thank God, baby.

(sighs heavily) Are you okay?

I'm okay, Mommy.

Okay.

This is my friend, Santa.

What the fuck?

I can't thank you enough, Mister...

Claus. But please call me Santa.

Mm-hmm.

SANTA: You guys should get out of here.

It's dangerous.

They took my husband and her grandmother.

Anybody know how to work these gizmos?

I think so.

I used to hunt with my dad.

Ow.

Copy that. How's that looking?

- Yeah, I got it on lockdown. - Heads on a swivel, boys.

(gunfire)

- Incoming! - Heads up!

(gasps)

-(bullets whizzing) - Oh, oh! Who's shooting?

- Who's... -(yelps)

- PEPPERMINT: Cap, get down! - SCROOGE: Watch it! Watch it!

(gasping)

(grunts, sputters)

Gun 'em down. Mow them all down.

(whimpering)

(yells)

(gunfire continues)

- All right, let's get the fuck out of here. -Let's go.

- Go where? - Come on, move, you old bat.

GERTRUDE: Get your fucking hands off of me.

(grunts)

(engines starting)

(yells)

Oh! Oh, shit.

My balls! My fucking balls!

-(engine sputtering) -(grunting)

(screaming)

Ow, my balls! Why did you shoot me in the ball...

(choral Christmas music continues over speakers)

Oh, Jesus.

Sorry.

(panting)

Don't worry about us, Mr. Claus. We got this.

JASON: Who is that guy?

He said he was Mr. Claus.

- Fuck. Trudy. - No, no.

She's in the house. She's okay.

She's safe.

- Oh, thank God. - Yeah.

(both panting)

♪ ♪

(gun clicks)

LINDA: No, no.

- Oh... go, go, go, go, go. - No, no, no. Wait, wait.

(grunting and groaning)

(screaming)

(grunts)

(panting)

(grunting, panting)

(choral Christmas music continues over speakers)

-(whimpers) -(grunts)

(screaming)

♪ ♪

(engines buzzing nearby)

(yells)

Oh, shit!

- Ho, ho! -(engine revving)

Fuck!

(choral Christmas music playing over speakers)

(gasping weakly)

(straining, gasping)

(grunts)

(grunting)

(yelps)

(whimpers softly)

-(gasping weakly) - Fucking die.

(straining)

(Linda exhales sharply)

(coughing)

(choral Christmas music ends)

(coughing, gasping)

(grunting)

(panting)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

SCROOGE: Come on. Come on. Come on.

Yeah, over here. Over here.

Santa!

Come on!

Yeah.

(engine revving)

(screaming)

(grunts)

(groaning, panting)

(grunting)

(bullets ricocheting)

(groaning)

(gun clicking)

(gasping)

Fuck.

(Santa groaning)

♪ ♪

You're real?

You're... him.

You're you.

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

The real goddamn Santa Claus.

This is not your night, pal.

Oh, I don't know. I think you're wrong.

I think my whole shitty life's built up to this moment.

Because when I kill you,

this whole goddamn holiday finally ends.

Whatever it takes...

...Christmas dies tonight.

(yelling, grunting)

(engine revving)

(yells, whimpers)

(grunting)

(screams)

(grunting and groaning)

(both yelling)

(both panting, grunting)

(Santa coughing)

(grunting, panting)

(Scrooge chuckles)

Whoa! (grunts)

(laughs, grunts)

(grunting and groaning)

(yells in pain)

(song playing with indistinct chanted vocal)

(grunting and groaning continue)

♪ ♪

(screaming)

(Scrooge straining)

(both straining)

(yells in pain)

(laughs)

(screams)

(grunting and groaning continue)

The last Christmas.

(grunting)

Not if you still believe.

No!

(grunting, screaming)

(laughing)

(continues laughing)

(gunfire)

(Santa grunting)

I have no idea what the fuck is going on here.

But this ends now.

Damn right it does.

(engines buzzing)

LINDA: Trudy, be careful.

(panting, groaning)

TRUDY: Santa!

Oh, no. Santa.

Oh, no.

(Jason sighs)

You saved my daughter.

SANTA: No.

She saved me.

Help him. Please help him.

Honey, I don't think there's anything we can do.

SANTA: It's okay. It's okay.

It's too late for that.

Too late.

I'm cold. (whimpers)

I haven't felt cold in years.

We need to keep him warm.

All of the fires are going out.

We need to find something to burn.

I got an idea.

Whoa.

No.

No, no, no, no. No, Jason, no.

TRUDY: Please, Santa.

I don't want you to die.

ALVA: Jason, let's slow this down.

What are you doing?

I've lived longer than any man should ever live.

He's pretty much dead. What the hell is happening?

- You don't need to burn money. - JASON: Okay. More. Yeah.

You can't die, Santa. You have to get up.

I think I used up all my Christmas magic.

Sorry.

I'm s... I'm sorry I can't give you what you asked for.

(sniffling)

Take that. Take that.

TRUDY: But you did.

Santa, please don't die.

Wake up. Wake up.

We need to get him close to the fire.

Jason.

(crying): Just wake up.

Please.

No.

Oh, I am so, so sorry.

- This man... -(Trudy crying)

This brave, brave man, whoever he was...

He's Santa.

The real Santa. He is.

And I still believe in him.

I'll always believe in you, Santa.

I believe in him, too.

He saved Trudy.

He saved our family.

What's realer than that?

Then maybe...

I believe in him, too.

(sighs) So do I.

Oh, shit.

I guess...

I guess I do, too.

ALVA: Fuck me.

I believe, too.

♪ ♪

(coughs)

(gasps) Oh, my God.

Santa!

(Santa grunting)

(panting)

JASON: You...

You were dead.

Christmas magic.

I still don't really understand...

how it works.

(Santa chuckling)

Thank you.

I don't know how we can ever repay you.

Well, you brought me back from the dead,

so we'll call it even.

(scoffs) Even?

We just burned half a million dollars.

- Look, Santa! - Hmm?

Look who came.

♪ ♪

(reindeer grunting)

Now you show up, huh?

You leave me here to die,

come back after all the work's done, huh?

You know what? I should make you guys into a stew

and feed you to the elves!

(reindeer grunting)

Yes, Blitzen! Yes, I'm talking to you!

You, too, Prancer.

You got my sack.

My spare... You went home and you got my spare sack?

Oh, God, I can't stay mad at you guys.

I... (sniffles)

(chuckling): Aw. I can't. I can't.

Aw. (chuckles)

Aw.

(sighs)

(chuckles)

Hello, beautiful.

Skullcrusher!

(takes deep breath)

Guess this is goodbye.

I got to go.

Do you have to?

(sighs)

It's Christmas Eve, and there's a lot of...

boys and girls on the nice list

that want their presents, you know?

Thank you.

For what?

For believing in me.

For reminding me that Christmas still matters.

And that I still...

matter.

(sighs)

You gave me my "ho, ho, ho" back.

(chuckling)

♪ ♪

All right. Get out of here.

Merry Christmas!

Hyah!

Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer!

Now, Prancer and Vixen!

On, Comet! On, Cupid!

On, Donner and Blitzen!

Come on, you beautiful bastards!

We've got some work to do!

Hyah!

Ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas!

♪ ♪

("Merry Christmas Everybody" by Slade playing)

♪ Are you hanging up your stocking on your wall? ♪

♪ It's the time that every Santa has a ball ♪

♪ Does he ride a red-nosed reindeer? ♪

♪ Does a ton-up on his sleigh? ♪

♪ Do the fairies keep him sober for a day? ♪

♪ So here it is ♪

♪ Merry Christmas ♪

♪ Everybody's having fun ♪

♪ Look to the future now ♪

♪ It's only just begun ♪

♪ Are you waiting for the family to arrive? ♪

♪ Are you sure you got ♪

♪ The room to spare inside? ♪

♪ Does your granny always tell ya ♪

♪ That the old songs are the best? ♪

♪ Then she's up and rock-and-rolling ♪

♪ With the rest ♪

Hey, yo! What's Gucci, squad fam?

It's the Bert Locker, living the dream.

You know what? See this guy? Dead as hell.

Santa's real, all right?

Don't end up on the naughty list.

Do better.

Bert Lightstone out.

♪ So here it is ♪

♪ Merry Christmas ♪

♪ Everybody's having fun ♪

♪ Look to the future now ♪

♪ It's only just begun ♪

♪ So here it is ♪

♪ Merry Christmas ♪

♪ Everybody's having fun ♪

-♪ It's Christmas! ♪ -♪ Look to the future now ♪

♪ It's only just begun. ♪

(song ends)

("Santa Has Had Enough of Christmas" by Dom Lewis plays)

♪ Ding dong merrily on high ♪

♪ Let's be good ♪

-♪ This coming yuletide ♪ -♪ Ding dong verily the sky ♪

♪ Or you'll see ♪

♪ Kris Kringle's cruel side ♪

♪ Santa's getting mad, better not be bad ♪

♪ Gonna go to bed on time this Christmas ♪

♪ We don't want to be on that list ♪

-♪ Santa Claus is gonna get ♪ -♪ Unhappy! ♪

♪ He's told you once, he's told you twice ♪

♪ Too much naughty, not enough nice ♪

♪ Santa Claus has had enough of Christmas ♪

♪ Where's the love and where's the joy? ♪

♪ Always cash and never a toy ♪

♪ Santa Claus has had enough of Christmas ♪

♪ Ah... ♪

♪ Santa's getting mad ♪

-♪ Don't you make Santa crazy ♪ -♪ Better not be bad ♪

-♪ Gonna go to bed on time this Christmas ♪ -♪ Baby ♪

♪ We don't want to be on that list ♪

-♪ Santa Claus is gonna get ♪ -♪ Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho ♪

♪ If you don't want ♪

♪ Coal this Christmas ♪

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Make sure you keep Santa jolly ♪

♪ Don't make his reindeer ♪

♪ Cause you some pain, dear ♪

♪ Santa's getting mad, better not be bad ♪

♪ Gonna go to bed on time this Christmas ♪

♪ We don't want to be on that list ♪

-♪ Santa Claus is gonna get ♪ -♪ Ooh-ooh... ♪

♪ Ooh-fa-la-la, ooh-fa-la-la ♪

♪ Ooh-fa-la-la ♪

♪ Don't make him crazy ♪

♪ Ooh-fa-la-la ♪

♪ Ooh-fa-la-la, ooh-fa-la-la ♪

♪ Ooh-fa-la-la, ooh-fa-la-la ♪

♪ Ooh-fa-la-la, ooh-fa-la-la ♪

♪ Ooh-fa-la-la, ooh-fa-la-la ♪

♪ Ooh-fa-la-la ♪

♪ Hark, the herald angels sing ♪

♪ Dashing through the snow ♪

♪ On the first day of Christmas ♪

♪ My true love gave to me ♪

♪ Good King Wenceslas looked out ♪

♪ On the Feast of Stephen ♪

-♪ Jingle bells. ♪ -(song ends)

♪ ♪

♪ Ding dong merrily on high ♪

♪ In heaven, the bells are ringing ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Glo-o-o-oria ♪

♪ Hosanna ♪

♪ In excelsis. ♪

(music ends)