Original subtitles

- You remember that girl I was telling you about?

I think it's that time to introduce her to Mom and Dad.

- Hi. - Hi.

- How many of these girls we gotta meet?

- What about Miranda?

- I'm in love with Laura. I'm moving on.

- Miss Ella, I really like your son.

- I like him too sometimes.

- Don't be surprised if she just shows up.

- Hi!

Laura? - Hi.

- You two know each other?

- We work together.

- Wait, what are y'all not telling me about Miranda?

- You got a stalker on your hands.

- What's going on?

- Oh Lord.

- ♪

- Hi. - Hi.

- How are you?

- I'm really good.

- Good.

- I'm a little surprised to see you here.

- You know, I could say the same.

- Uh, yeah.

So what are you doing here?

- So, yeah. [laughing]

Miss Ella. Miss Ella. - [crying]

- Miss Ella and I are family.

- What? - MIRANDA: Mm.

- [moans]

- Well, that's great.

What a small world. [laughs]

- You could say that again.

- Wow.

- [crying]

- Is she your mom?

- No.

I would like to think more like a sister.

I mean, go with that.

Hello. Close in age.

- I--I didn't mean any harm.

- None taken.

- I'm sorry, really.

- It's okay.

- So, help me out with this.

- What are you doing here?

- Oooh. [laughing]

The new guy that I was telling you about.

He just introduced me to her.

- Oh, wh--ah-ah--

[coughing] - ELLA: Yes.

- And he was like telling me how great she was,

and how he wanted me to meet her.

- I am. - [laughs]

- Yeah. - And, um, yeah.

And I told you how nervous I was about meeting her.

- Yeah. - Right. [laughs]

But she is amazing. [laughs]

- Thank you.

- That she is. - [laughs]

- I mean, there was nothing to worry about at all.

- You know--[laughs]-- there may be.

- Oh yeah? - Yeah.

- What's that?

Oh wait. - ELLA: Wait.

- Yeah.

- Wait, what? - Wait, I'm--

I'm so sorry. - You know,

and I am so confused.

- And so am I. What is going on?

- [deep breath]

- You know, Miss Ella, that is the question I have for you:

what's going on?

- I don't know. She came over here.

She came over here with, um-- - Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

You just--to who? Say it.

- You got this. You already know.

- Just say it. - Curtis.

- Oh, Calvin?

- Yeah.

Yeah.

- [laughs]

Is this the guy that you've been telling me about?

- Yes.

Why?

- Well, because he's my husband.

- What? - Mm.

- Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait.

- ♪

♪

♪♪

- [laughing]

Calvin is my husband.

- What? - Well, well, actually...

he's more like your--[laughs]--

he's more like your soon-to-be ex-husband.

- Really, Miss Ella?

- Right?

- Is he here?

Don't--don't do that.

Don't do that. - ELLA: Why?

Okay. Okay.

- Is he here? - Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Excuse me.

The knives are not in here.

- You don't have to worry about it. He does though.

- Ouch.

- Uh, Calvin. - Uh, hey, babe.

You coming--it's a good part.

You came in right-- this is a good part.

- Curtis, I don't care anything about watching that movie.

- What? Come on, baby. You ain't doing nothing.

- What? [laughs]

What? What?

- Woman's work.

Okay. - Curtis, you keep it up,

and this woman is gonna be in that bedroom

by herself tonight.

- Okay, sorry, baby. - Yeah.

And I love it when I'm in there by myself at night.

- Who gonna plug up your CPAP?

- That's your CPAP.

- Ssh.

- Calvin? - What's going on?

He's watching a movie, baby.

- Curtis, I need to talk to him.

[laughs] Come on, baby.

- What? - ELLA: Cal--

- You like her, don't you?

- Yes, I do.

- I know, I know.

She may be the next Mrs. Payne.

- Well, baby, you have a few Mrs. Paynes in the kitchen.

- I knew you would like her.

She's so special.

- Yeah. - And she's so sweet.

Ain't she sweet, Mama? - Oh, she is sweet.

Calvin?

Calvin! - Baby,

quit calling on his name.

- Ooh-ooh!

Whooo!

- Can't stand watching movies with black people.

- Say what?

- I'm gonna go get white friends.

Y'all talk too much.

White people stay quiet in the theater.

Black people talk back.

"What are you doing?"

- Calvin! - Yeah?

- You have a situation in the kitchen.

- Okay, what is it?

- Miranda is in there.

- What is she doing in there? - I don't know.

Well, she knows your, um--

- Laura? - Yeah. Yeah.

- How does she know her?

- I don't know, she said something about

they work together. I don't know what--

I don't know.

Come on.

- What? They all in the kitchen now?

- Is you listening to me? - Oh, why can't I get my phone?

- Miranda?

- Calvin.

- Calvin, you didn't tell me you knew her.

- You didn't tell me you knew her.

- Well, we don't talk.

- Well, you have a point.

- So, why would I tell you that?

- Uh, good question.

- Wait.

You don't talk to her?

- No. He doesn't.

- Okay.

- So-- - Don't say anything.

- I wasn't gonna say anything.

- What are you doing here? - I--

- I think she came to see Ella.

Baby, didn't I tell you to stop talking to that girl?

You see what you caused?

- Will you hush?

- You know what? This is really turning out good.

I'm gonna send this to Ridiculousness.

But y'all gotta do something really crazy.

Make it natural.

- Curtis!

- I am so sorry, Miranda.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, you don't have to apologize to her.

- I think I should.

- Why?

- Ugh, well, she's my friend and...

I didn't know you two were married.

- Look, married-- - I'm sorry, Calvin.

I think I should go.

- Wait. Why?

- I just--I don't think this is going to work.

- Why?

- I think I already know a lot about you.

- Look, Laura-- - I'm gonna go.

- Okay, well, I'll take you home.

- I drove.

I'm good.

Bye.

- That was good.

That was really nice.

And close up. - Curtis.

- She got you like that, boy? - ELLA: Curtis.

Get out of here. - What?

- Go in the bedroom.

- Why you trying to get me in the bedroom, girl?

- I'm just trying to get you out of here.

- I'm gonna go, and you come on to the bedroom, you hear me?

- If you don't get out of here.

- Tear that ass up.

- What did you say to her? - Calvin.

- Look, married--we're over.

You know that. - I know!

- Why are you talking about me to people?

- Calvin, I never said your name.

- Well, what did you say to her?

- I didn't know that the two of you were gonna date.

- Why are you here?

- Calvin-- - Get out.

- Calvin-- - I said get out.

- But--

- Hold on now, this--this my house.

- Right. - It's my house.

- And mine.

- Is it, babe?

- Curtis, not now.

You can't put her out of here.

- You know what? Fine, I'll leave.

- Calvin, you--

- That's all it take to get you to leave?

Hell, we should have done that years ago.

- CALVIN: It's not funny, Pops. - Nah, it's pretty funny.

[indistinct mumbling]

Well, Ella-- - Curtis, please.

- Okay, baby.

I just wanna get me a beer.

- And hurry up, baby, you see that she's upset.

- I'm about to upset this beer.

[chuckles]

- Get the beer and get out of here.

- Okay, baby. I hear you.

You want me to get the beer, and get out.

I'm gonna have to edit this.

- Really? - Some good stuff though.

What's up? What you wanna talk about?

- [sobbing] - Don't do this.

- You want me to go, babe?

- I want-- - [sniffs]

- How many times do I have to ask you?

- Open this for me, baby.

Do it with your teeth. You know how you do it.

Can I--thank you.

- Are you serious?

- I--I just--I gotta get my grip.

- It's--it's okay. - You don't want it?

- No. - Throw that away, baby.

- [moans]

- [sighs]

- Oh, Dad, Dad, watch this part.

Watch this part. - Oh, that's crazy.

Holy cow. - Ooh.

No, no, no, don't--don't do it! Don't do it!

You scared already?

- I ain't scared, boy.

I'm just watching the movie.

I mean, it's intense.

- Alright.

- Ooh! - Oh!

- This is good. - [chuckles]

- I got you, ha.

I wasn't scared, I was just--I got you, you know what I mean?

I'm just--I wasn't jumping.

- Yeah, right, Dad.

- It's a good movie.

- Yeah, it's pretty good.

Oh, hold on.

Here come the scary part.

Dad, why--why aren't you looking?

- I seen--I've seen this part already.

- No, you didn't.

This just came out.

Look, come on, just watch, Dad.

- I'm watching, man, what's wrong with you?

- You keep looking away.

You're scared!

- All that blood, man.

- Didn't you go into the delivery room with Mom

five times?

- Four.

- Same difference.

So watch it.

- I'm watching!

- Come on, man.

Dad, really.

- I told you I'm watching, man.

I could do two things at once.

- Okay.

You know, this is not an example a man should set for his son.

- Boy, I'm watching the movie, shut up.

- What's with the fingers, man?

How you gonna see?

- BOTH: [gasp]

- Wait, why you jumping?

- I thought you wasn't scared.

- You the one not supposed to be scared.

You jumping.

- You jumped, too.

- I never said I wasn't scared.

- BOTH: Oh!

- Boy, what you doing breaking up my good shit?

- Dad, the cursing.

- It's my shit.

- Look, I'm sorry.

- Man, what's gotten into you?

- Miranda.

- Ooh God.

- Ugh, man.

You gotta chill out on all of that.

- Malik.

- What? Man, you can't come in here slamming doors and stuff.

What's your problem?

- I said I'm sorry.

- Are you really though?

- Malik.

- Nah, Dad.

Is he really sorry?

I mean, people do things all the time.

But are they really sorry?

- CJ, you might wanna get your son.

- He's a grown man.

- Oh, so you gonna let me hurt your son?

- Yes.

- Dad, you really gonna let him hit me?

- That's what Uncle Curtis would do.

- Now you know he not a good parent.

You gonna listen to him?

That's really bad parenting, Dad.

- I mean, you grown.

Son, you were my first child.

We made a lot of mistakes with you.

- Yeah, I see that.

- They still showing up.

Mm.

Speaking of bad parenting, remember that time that bully

was messing with you, Calvin?

- Look, not now.

- No, no, no, this is good.

- Yeah, tell me, what happened?

- Calvin had this bully that was always messing with him.

This dude was like 6'6" in the third grade.

- What? - I mean, he was huge.

Dreadlocks, he--I think he in jail right now.

And, look, he was chasing Calvin home from school.

Calvin was running, Uncle Curtis seen him

and ran in and locked the door. - What?

- Yeah, man, Calvin was crying.

- [laughs]

- Uncle Curtis said, "Hey, you go out there,

"and you fight that boy or I'm locking you out for good!

You go out there and you fight that boy, you hear me?"

- Dad, that's good. You sound just like him.

- Listen-- - You sound just like him.

What happened? - I beat him up.

- That boy beat the brakes off of Calvin.

Beat him bloody.

- No, he didn't.

- Hey, look, look.

Uncle Curtis went outside. - Yeah?

- And the boy beat up Uncle Curtis, too.

- What? [laughs]

- Uncle Curtis came running back in, talking about,

"C.J.! C.J.!

Damn, why you ain't tell me that boy was a man child?"

- C.J. AND MALIK: [laughing]

- Beat 'em both.

- What? For real. - C.J.: Yes, sir.

- Are we gonna talk about me today?

- Wait, wait, wait.

That bully beat you and your daddy up?

- C.J.: Beat 'em both. - No.

No, but I'm about to beat you up.

- Oh. What happened then?

- I'm not talking to you.

You're a kid.

- Tch.

Man, I'm a grown man.

Tell him, Dad.

- He grown.

And he give good advice.

- You see?

What's going on, brother?

- Go on, tell him.

- Are you really doing this?

- Yeah, yeah, we both here.

We both listening.

- Okay, so you know the girl I was seeing?

- Pay up.

- Damn. - What?

- Come on, Dad, pay up. I tried to tell you.

- You gonna take my last? - I--I got to. I got to.

- This is my last.

- I'm sorry, boss man. [laughs]

- What are y'all betting?

- That you would take that girl home and all hell

would break loose.

- How did you know that?

- I told you that Miranda was still after you.

- Yo, this is crazy, man.

- What happened?

- So...we're at my parents' house.

And apparently, the two of them know each other.

- Who? - Miranda and Laura.

- What?

- CALVIN: Yes. - Really?

- And get this.

Miranda's been telling that girl about me.

- What she been saying?

- Well, nothing good, 'cause Laura

doesn't wanna talk to me anymore.

- Wait.

- No, no, I got this.

I got this.

- How do they know each other?

- And did they plan this?

- See, that's what I was gonna say.

- Right.

- You see, we right here with it.

- Great minds. - That's why you--you my son.

You my son. - Hey, for real.

- No, no, no, no, no.

They--they don't, because they were talking about me without

mentioning my name.

- Really?

- You know what? That don't sound right to me.

- That's what I was saying.

- Mm-hmm.

Sounds like a-- - Setup.

- Right. - You see?

- You think so?

- Yeah, man.

Miranda probably set this whole thing up. Tch.

- No, no, she didn't.

- Yeah, that's--that's a bit overboard.

- No, but on second thought, you did say she was after me.

- You think she would do something like this?

- Yes.

I think she would. - No, man.

- Come on, man, you know how women go crazy over me.

- You did have 'em.

- Do they?

- Yeah.

- [chuckles] Okay.

- What?

- I mean, it's alright, Cousin Calvin.

That's your belief.

[laughs]

- But that's--that's not funny.

- Oh no, it's fine, you're just stuck in another time and space,

it's alright.

- Okay, what--what does that even mean?

- Well, women and girls used to go crazy over you.

You're kind of elderly now.

- Boy--boy, are you kidding me?

- I mean, come on, man.

You got kids.

- And? - Belly going on.

- What?

- Yeah, you--you used to have six-pack,

you know, eh...

just a two.

You know, you--you drive a minivan now.

- I don't drive no minivan.

- Uh, you do.

You're just not that young thing anymore.

Like I am.

So, just settle down, you're running out of time, old man.

- Your son?

- It's alright.

I've said my piece.

I'm out.

- Good.

'Cause you was about to be out.

- Alright, old-timer.

- Okay, look.

- So what should I do?

- That's what I was about to say.

I'm--I'm gonna give you some advice.

- Okay, go ahead.

- Miranda...

she not gonna stop.

- Well, she better.

- Well...

you sure you completely over her?

- Yeah, I am.

- That's not what she thinks.

- Well, why would she think any differently?

- Well...

- Huh-uh, huh-uh, tell me.

Tell me.

- Your mama.

- Well, what about her?

- She calls her and asks her how you doing.

- My mama never told me that.

- You know Aunt Ella.

- What does that mean?

- It means she don't want nobody's feelings to get hurt.

She want everybody to be happy.

- Yeah, but I'm her son.

- And she loves her grandkids.

- Okay, but I'm her son.

- And she wanna keep the peace.

- ♪

- So you're telling me that she's telling her

that I want her? - No, no, no, I didn't say that.

- Then, okay, what are you saying?

- I think you should go talk to Aunt Ella.

- You know what?

I'm gonna do that right now. - Hold up, hold up.

Not today.

- Why not?

- Well, 'cause if she gets mad...she not gonna invite us

over for Sunday dinner.

- Your wife could cook. - Oh.

Have you had my wife's cooking?

- Yes, and I get it.

I get it.

- So wait 'til Monday.

- Okay, I'm gonna try.

- Thank you.

- I did. I can't.

- Where's the love?

Cousin?

We like brothers.

No damn love in this family.

- ♪

- ♪

- ♪