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NEWS REPORTER: [ON TV]
This is the robbery
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in the Atlanta, suburban
neighborhood this month.
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What?
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NEWS REPORTER: [ON TV] Police
say they are doing all they can
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00:00:09,448 --> 00:00:11,000
to prevent further incidents.
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00:00:19,379 --> 00:00:20,862
Hello?
Uh-- yeah.
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This is Curtis Payne--
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the fire chief from
down the street.
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Yeah.
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I need to speak
with Samson Wright.
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Curtis Payne from up the street.
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Yeah.
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What do you mean he
doesn't live there anymore?
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What?
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00:00:35,241 --> 00:00:36,310
What?
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00:00:36,413 --> 00:00:38,758
Well, who's over at
the neighborhood watch?
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You need to watch
your tone with me?
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I don't-- look, I'll come down
there and whoop your-- hello?
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Hello!
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Hi, baby.
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Curtis, I just love you
being here when I come home.
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Get your feet off my couch.
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Curtis, watch my-- look, look!
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OK, baby, what do you
think about this dress?
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Work it, Ella!
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The Golden Girls called.
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They said they want
their dress back.
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00:01:05,620 --> 00:01:06,758
Please.
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00:01:06,862 --> 00:01:09,344
Baby, did you
Samson Wright moved?
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What?
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Yes, baby.
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He left about nine months ago.
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Curtis, what about this one?
- How am I to know?
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What about this one?
I love it!
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Oh, baby, that's too busy.
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Why I didn't know that?
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Curtis, I don't know.
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Only a few people knew.
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His wife kicked him
out after she found out
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that he was having
those little late night,
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neighborhood watch meetings--
just he and Mrs. Franklin.
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So why we never had
a one-on-one meeting?
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I'll tell you why-- because
Samson always been on--
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Because they were
having an affair!
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Oh!
- Oh!
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Well, then who's over at
the neighborhood watch?
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I don't know.
I guess nobody.
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What do you think
about this one, baby?
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Baby, that looks like a
granite, kitchen counter top.
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As a matter of fact, I'll
throw you on the counter.
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Then it'll look like something.
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Curtis, be quiet.
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Then it'll look
like something.
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You know what, baby?
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ELLA PAYNE: Yes.
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Ever since Calvin got shot,
I been hearing about the crime
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rise in this area.
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Navy blue.
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Baby, we need a president
for the neighborhood watch.
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You know what?
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I should do it.
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I'm going to do it.
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Oh, I can't.
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00:02:13,034 --> 00:02:14,965
Mr. Wilson is the
senior neighbor.
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Well, he died a month ago.
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Did he?
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Well, why ain't get a
newsletter or something?
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Why I didn't know about that?
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00:02:22,344 --> 00:02:23,068
Yeah.
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I'm going to do it.
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I'm going to do it.
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Well, Curtis, I'm sure--
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never mind.
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What-- what were
you going to say?
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Baby, let God use you.
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Come on.
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What are you going to say?
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Look, Curtis, I'm sure
that you would probably
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make a great president.
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Thank you.
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That's what I want you to say.
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But to do that job, baby, you
got to have to have decorum.
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Yeah.
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And I ain't got decorum?
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You can't even spell decorum.
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D-E-- corum.
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No, no.
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Baby, come on.
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I'm running for president.
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I'm running for president.
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00:02:56,586 --> 00:02:58,034
- Fine, Curtis.
- And I'm going to win.
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Fine.
Go ahead.
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00:02:59,275 --> 00:03:00,034
And you want to talk
about decorum-- these
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00:03:00,137 --> 00:03:01,965
dresses ain't got no decorum!
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00:03:02,068 --> 00:03:03,241
Yes, I can!
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00:03:03,344 --> 00:03:04,034
Yes, I can!
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00:03:04,137 --> 00:03:04,827
No, you cannot.
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Yes, I can and I will!
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00:03:05,862 --> 00:03:06,862
Curtis!
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00:03:06,965 --> 00:03:08,758
And I'm taking these
non-decorum dresses
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back to pay for my campaign.
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Curtis!
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You are my first donator.
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[theme music]
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Hey, baby, come here!
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ELLA PAYNE: Curtis,
what is it now?
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00:03:24,413 --> 00:03:25,551
Baby, come on now.
Come here!
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Curtis, what is it--
I can-- I can see you from--
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Come on, check this out.
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I need you-- I need you
to check something out.
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What?
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Baby, I want you
to check this out.
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This is my ideas
and changes that I'm
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implementing as president
of the neighborhood watch.
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Curtis, are you really
serious about this?
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Yes, I am, baby.
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Ever since Calvin
got shot, I just
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think it's my duty to step up.
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OK.
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Make this neighborhood
a better place.
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OK.
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OK.
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00:03:46,103 --> 00:03:46,827
What's up, everybody?
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Hey, baby.
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Why don't you knock?
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Me and your aunt could
be in here, getting busy.
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00:03:52,034 --> 00:03:55,931
I wouldn't sit
there, if I was you.
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So glad you here.
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You might not want
to sit there neither.
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00:03:59,068 --> 00:04:00,896
What brings you by?
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00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:02,482
Oh, I just came
by to say, hey.
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00:04:02,586 --> 00:04:03,482
You want something to eat?
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00:04:03,586 --> 00:04:04,275
No, no.
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00:04:04,379 --> 00:04:05,448
I'm fine.
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00:04:05,551 --> 00:04:06,448
Oh, this is nice.
136
00:04:06,551 --> 00:04:07,689
Who picked this out?
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00:04:07,793 --> 00:04:09,862
I was just about
to tell Ella my--
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00:04:09,965 --> 00:04:14,103
my changes and ideas I got,
as I'm running for president
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00:04:14,206 --> 00:04:15,379
of the neighborhood watch.
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00:04:15,482 --> 00:04:18,275
Your uncle is running for
the new neighborhood watch
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00:04:18,379 --> 00:04:19,068
president.
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00:04:19,172 --> 00:04:20,482
Thank you.
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00:04:20,586 --> 00:04:21,586
OK.
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00:04:21,689 --> 00:04:22,413
Well, let's-- let's
hear what you got.
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00:04:22,517 --> 00:04:23,896
OK.
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00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:27,586
Number one-- all unattractive
people have to be in the house
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before dark.
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00:04:28,931 --> 00:04:29,793
Number two--
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00:04:29,896 --> 00:04:32,137
How does that
cut down on crime?
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00:04:32,241 --> 00:04:36,379
Baby, it's a proven fact
that ugly attracts crime.
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00:04:36,482 --> 00:04:39,137
Come on, read the
statistics, baby.
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00:04:39,241 --> 00:04:41,172
You got to read something
other than the Bible.
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And even have if you read
the Bible, you should know.
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Pharaoh-- ugly.
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Judas-- ugly.
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00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:47,275
Lucifer-- hideous.
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That is ridiculous.
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00:04:48,793 --> 00:04:52,551
And I'm shocked that
this is your agenda.
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00:04:52,655 --> 00:04:54,172
Well, I'm shocked, too.
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00:04:54,275 --> 00:04:57,206
And I'll tell you what's
ridiculous-- ridiculous
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is that my family is not
supporting my agenda.
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00:05:01,034 --> 00:05:04,206
And I think if my family
can't support my agenda,
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then my family
needs to step out.
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Get a move on it.
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I've got work to do.
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Chop, chop!
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00:05:14,448 --> 00:05:16,241
Aunt Ella, I just
came to say, hi.
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00:05:16,344 --> 00:05:17,034
Yes, baby.
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00:05:17,137 --> 00:05:17,931
Hi and bye.
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00:05:22,931 --> 00:05:24,827
Hey, everybody!
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I'm home!
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00:05:26,724 --> 00:05:27,413
Mom?
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00:05:30,206 --> 00:05:31,965
Dad?
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Anybody?
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00:05:32,931 --> 00:05:33,620
Good.
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I'm all alone.
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Oh my god.
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They're going to kill me.
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00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:49,862
Hello?
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00:05:49,965 --> 00:05:50,655
Yes.
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00:05:50,758 --> 00:05:52,862
Customer service.
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00:05:52,965 --> 00:05:54,655
Customer service.
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00:05:54,758 --> 00:05:55,793
Yes.
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00:05:55,896 --> 00:05:58,275
Hello, I'm calling
about my credit card.
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00:05:58,379 --> 00:05:59,586
Uh-- who-- who is this?
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00:05:59,689 --> 00:06:00,896
Um--
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00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:03,103
[IN WOMAN'S VOICE] This
is-- this is Janine Payne.
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00:06:03,206 --> 00:06:04,517
Yeah, this is Janine.
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00:06:04,620 --> 00:06:06,862
I'm calling about getting
an extension on my credit
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00:06:06,965 --> 00:06:08,206
card for my account.
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00:06:08,310 --> 00:06:09,034
Yeah.
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00:06:09,137 --> 00:06:11,965
I'm-- I'm not a man.
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00:06:12,068 --> 00:06:13,000
Come on!
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00:06:13,103 --> 00:06:14,413
Are you going to help me or not?
Hello?
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00:06:14,517 --> 00:06:15,206
Hello!
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00:06:15,310 --> 00:06:16,034
Oh!
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00:06:16,137 --> 00:06:16,965
Hey, mom!
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00:06:17,068 --> 00:06:18,172
Hi!
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00:06:18,275 --> 00:06:19,862
I didn't know you were
coming home this weekend!
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00:06:19,965 --> 00:06:20,896
Hi!
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00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:21,931
When did you get here?
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00:06:22,034 --> 00:06:24,172
Oh, I got in a
couple of minutes ago.
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00:06:24,275 --> 00:06:25,655
I really didn't have
any plans this weekend,
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00:06:25,758 --> 00:06:27,068
so I can't stay away
from you all too long.
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00:06:27,172 --> 00:06:28,413
Oh.
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00:06:28,517 --> 00:06:30,655
So in other words, you have
some laundry you need done
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00:06:30,758 --> 00:06:31,793
and you want some money, right?
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00:06:31,896 --> 00:06:33,793
You got that right.
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00:06:33,896 --> 00:06:35,965
Well, listen, your dad and
the twins will be here later.
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00:06:36,068 --> 00:06:37,551
They're going to be
so happy to see you.
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00:06:37,655 --> 00:06:39,000
Go and put your laundry
in the laundry room.
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00:06:39,103 --> 00:06:40,310
I'll get dinner started.
- Oh, you know what?
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00:06:40,413 --> 00:06:44,206
Actually, why don't I do
laundry and I can make dinner?
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00:06:44,310 --> 00:06:45,137
You can-- come on.
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00:06:45,241 --> 00:06:46,137
Come on over to the couch.
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00:06:46,241 --> 00:06:46,931
You OK?
217
00:06:47,034 --> 00:06:47,724
Yeah.
218
00:06:47,827 --> 00:06:48,827
I'm perfectly fine.
219
00:06:48,931 --> 00:06:50,896
You can just relax and sit back.
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00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:51,655
There you go.
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00:06:51,758 --> 00:06:52,655
Sit.
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00:06:52,758 --> 00:06:53,896
There you go.
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00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:54,827
This is awkward.
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00:06:54,931 --> 00:06:55,827
Yeah.
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00:06:55,931 --> 00:06:57,172
I'll get everything
started for you.
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00:06:57,275 --> 00:06:58,448
OK.
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00:06:58,551 --> 00:07:01,620
Somebody needs a big advance
on their allowance, huh?
228
00:07:01,724 --> 00:07:02,931
You have no idea.
229
00:07:14,448 --> 00:07:16,931
President here, president
here, president here!
230
00:07:17,034 --> 00:07:18,620
President of the new
neighborhood watch.
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00:07:18,724 --> 00:07:19,689
I need you to come.
232
00:07:19,793 --> 00:07:20,482
I'm the president
of the neighborhood
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00:07:20,586 --> 00:07:21,379
watch-- the new president.
234
00:07:21,482 --> 00:07:23,379
I need y'all at the meeting.
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00:07:23,482 --> 00:07:24,517
Be there or be square.
236
00:07:24,620 --> 00:07:25,724
There you go.
237
00:07:25,827 --> 00:07:27,241
I'm the president of
the neighborhood watch.
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00:07:27,344 --> 00:07:28,517
Uh-- yeah.
239
00:07:28,620 --> 00:07:29,413
I'm going to need you off
the street before sunset.
240
00:07:29,517 --> 00:07:30,689
ELLA PAYNE: Curtis!
241
00:07:30,793 --> 00:07:33,379
And don't have no kids.
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00:07:33,482 --> 00:07:35,206
What are you doing?
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00:07:35,310 --> 00:07:36,000
Oh, baby!
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00:07:36,103 --> 00:07:37,275
I'm passing out my fliers.
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00:07:37,379 --> 00:07:38,655
I got to let them know I'm
president, I'm in charge.
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00:07:38,758 --> 00:07:39,827
People got to know.
247
00:07:39,931 --> 00:07:41,413
But Curtis, you're
not in charge, baby.
248
00:07:41,517 --> 00:07:44,137
You have to be voted in before
you can just take the position.
249
00:07:44,241 --> 00:07:46,344
You can't just take
the position and expect
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00:07:46,448 --> 00:07:47,827
people to follow you.
251
00:07:47,931 --> 00:07:50,137
They followed Moses.
252
00:07:50,241 --> 00:07:51,275
Then you get a staff--
253
00:07:51,379 --> 00:07:52,551
wait.
254
00:07:52,655 --> 00:07:54,793
And when your staff parts
the Red Sea, then maybe
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00:07:54,896 --> 00:07:56,827
we'll follow you, OK It then--
256
00:07:56,931 --> 00:07:57,620
Curtis, Curtis.
257
00:07:57,724 --> 00:07:58,689
What?
258
00:07:58,793 --> 00:07:59,931
Until then, baby,
you can't-- you have
259
00:08:00,034 --> 00:08:02,137
to be voted in by a committee.
260
00:08:02,241 --> 00:08:03,689
Oh, baby, please!
Please!
261
00:08:03,793 --> 00:08:05,103
That just dumb.
262
00:08:05,206 --> 00:08:06,827
There ain't nobody else even
interested in the position.
263
00:08:06,931 --> 00:08:08,689
You keep saying I have to wait
on a committee-- for what?
264
00:08:08,793 --> 00:08:10,655
Neighborhood watch president.
265
00:08:10,758 --> 00:08:11,689
Ain't nobody else running.
266
00:08:11,793 --> 00:08:12,758
- You don't know--
- Except me.
267
00:08:12,862 --> 00:08:13,793
The new neighborhood
watch president.
268
00:08:13,896 --> 00:08:14,896
Thank you.
Thank you.
269
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:16,655
Neighborhood watch
president-- CJ Payne.
270
00:08:16,758 --> 00:08:17,793
You, too?
271
00:08:17,896 --> 00:08:19,206
What was-- what the
hell are you doing?
272
00:08:19,310 --> 00:08:21,620
What-- what does it
look like I'm doing?
273
00:08:21,724 --> 00:08:24,862
I'm running for neighborhood
watch president.
274
00:08:24,965 --> 00:08:27,931
No, I'm running for
neighborhood watch president.
275
00:08:28,034 --> 00:08:29,724
Guess what?
276
00:08:29,827 --> 00:08:32,137
You are going down!
277
00:08:32,241 --> 00:08:33,586
No, you going down!
278
00:08:33,689 --> 00:08:34,793
No, you going down!
279
00:08:34,896 --> 00:08:36,551
No, you going down!
280
00:08:36,655 --> 00:08:39,517
[grunting]
281
00:08:42,137 --> 00:08:45,034
[tv blazing]
282
00:08:45,137 --> 00:08:46,206
Hey, babe, what's up?
283
00:08:46,310 --> 00:08:47,482
Hey, baby.
I'll tell you what's up--
284
00:08:47,586 --> 00:08:49,344
I was just at the store,
trying to get some groceries
285
00:08:49,448 --> 00:08:50,448
and our credit
card was declined.
286
00:08:50,551 --> 00:08:51,689
No.
287
00:08:51,793 --> 00:08:53,310
That's got to be a mistake
because I just paid
288
00:08:53,413 --> 00:08:54,310
on that credit card last week.
289
00:08:54,413 --> 00:08:55,517
Did you call the
credit card company?
290
00:08:55,620 --> 00:08:56,931
Of course, I did.
291
00:08:57,034 --> 00:08:58,655
Are you sure you didn't go
on one of your shopping sprees
292
00:08:58,758 --> 00:08:59,448
and forget?
293
00:08:59,551 --> 00:09:00,620
I did not forget.
294
00:09:00,724 --> 00:09:02,103
I would remember going
on a shopping spree.
295
00:09:02,206 --> 00:09:04,551
Oh, because you are definitely
known to go on shopping
296
00:09:04,655 --> 00:09:05,620
sprees and just black out.
297
00:09:05,724 --> 00:09:07,103
OK.
298
00:09:07,206 --> 00:09:08,448
So you're really trying to say
the credit card does not burn
299
00:09:08,551 --> 00:09:09,965
a hole through your pocket?
300
00:09:10,068 --> 00:09:12,310
When do I ever
use a credit card?
301
00:09:12,413 --> 00:09:14,896
You-- steak knives.
302
00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:16,586
They cut through wood!
303
00:09:16,689 --> 00:09:17,413
Wait!
304
00:09:17,517 --> 00:09:19,827
Let's get back online, OK?
305
00:09:19,931 --> 00:09:21,379
We'll check the account,
see what's been spent.
306
00:09:21,482 --> 00:09:22,724
- All right.
- All right.
307
00:09:22,827 --> 00:09:25,586
And-- and when I get an
apology, a heartfelt apology--
308
00:09:25,689 --> 00:09:26,724
OK.
309
00:09:26,827 --> 00:09:28,655
After we find out
what's really going on.
310
00:09:28,758 --> 00:09:29,896
Uh huh.
311
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:32,068
I know you want the glory
here, but it was not me.
312
00:09:32,172 --> 00:09:33,206
We're about to see that.
313
00:09:33,310 --> 00:09:34,344
Password.
314
00:09:34,448 --> 00:09:35,172
Boom!
315
00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:37,689
$119 at Italian Bistro?
316
00:09:37,793 --> 00:09:39,103
Who were you eating
dinner with, Janine?
317
00:09:39,206 --> 00:09:40,413
Nobody!
Nobody!
318
00:09:40,517 --> 00:09:43,689
$250 at the shoe place?
$92.50 at Victoria's Secret.
319
00:09:43,793 --> 00:09:44,931
See, this is ridiculous.
320
00:09:45,034 --> 00:09:47,137
Absolutely outrageous,
especially since you come
321
00:09:47,241 --> 00:09:49,655
to bed wearing old socks
and baseball jerseys,
322
00:09:49,758 --> 00:09:50,827
I would like to add.
323
00:09:50,931 --> 00:09:52,689
You would like to add?
324
00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:54,034
You said these cut through wood?
325
00:09:54,137 --> 00:09:55,448
You know what?
326
00:09:55,551 --> 00:09:57,310
Let's-- let's-- let's look at
this for a minute because--
327
00:09:57,413 --> 00:09:58,551
exactly.
328
00:09:58,655 --> 00:10:00,620
These charges aren't on
either one of our cards.
329
00:10:00,724 --> 00:10:02,172
Hey, I'm going to hang
out with some friends.
330
00:10:02,275 --> 00:10:03,379
See you guys later.
331
00:10:03,482 --> 00:10:05,517
Hey, man, have you been
using the credit card
332
00:10:05,620 --> 00:10:07,448
that we gave you for
emergencies to buy
333
00:10:07,551 --> 00:10:08,896
Italian dinners and shoes?
334
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:10,482
And lingerie?
335
00:10:10,586 --> 00:10:12,827
I mean, I may have
bought a couple of things.
336
00:10:12,931 --> 00:10:15,241
Oh, you-- you-- may have
bought a couple of things?
337
00:10:15,344 --> 00:10:17,068
How many couple of
things did you buy?
338
00:10:17,172 --> 00:10:18,931
Who have you been
buying lingerie for?
339
00:10:19,034 --> 00:10:20,551
Oh, please tell me
this boy ain't freaky.
340
00:10:20,655 --> 00:10:21,620
No!
341
00:10:21,724 --> 00:10:22,724
It's for for my
girlfriend, Summer.
342
00:10:22,827 --> 00:10:23,517
Who?
343
00:10:26,689 --> 00:10:27,551
I'm sorry.
344
00:10:27,655 --> 00:10:28,896
I didn't realize
how much I spent.
345
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:31,724
We gave you that credit
card for emergencies.
346
00:10:31,827 --> 00:10:34,482
Dinners, shoes, sexy nightwear--
does any of that sound
347
00:10:34,586 --> 00:10:36,034
like an emergency to you?
348
00:10:36,137 --> 00:10:36,827
Any of it!
349
00:10:36,931 --> 00:10:38,206
It was just a credit card.
350
00:10:38,310 --> 00:10:39,482
So what?
351
00:10:39,586 --> 00:10:40,620
No, no, no.
352
00:10:40,724 --> 00:10:42,206
Now what you did was
totally unacceptable
353
00:10:42,310 --> 00:10:43,689
and you're going
to have to fix it.
354
00:10:43,793 --> 00:10:46,482
I had trouble finding jobs
because I ruined my credit.
355
00:10:46,586 --> 00:10:47,965
You ruined my credit, too.
356
00:10:48,068 --> 00:10:48,931
What did you say?
357
00:10:49,034 --> 00:10:49,965
Yeah.
358
00:10:50,068 --> 00:10:51,551
I didn't say nothing
about no nothing.
359
00:10:51,655 --> 00:10:53,965
What does credit have
to do with getting a job?
360
00:10:54,068 --> 00:10:55,793
What?
361
00:10:55,896 --> 00:10:58,586
Malik, people look
at your credit report
362
00:10:58,689 --> 00:11:00,206
to determine what kind
of person you are.
363
00:11:00,310 --> 00:11:01,862
If they don't like what
they find on that paper,
364
00:11:01,965 --> 00:11:03,275
it-- you may not get the job.
- Yeah.
365
00:11:03,379 --> 00:11:05,275
Pay your bills on time,
people think you're reliable.
366
00:11:05,379 --> 00:11:06,793
Come on!
367
00:11:06,896 --> 00:11:08,344
People can't judge
me just because I
368
00:11:08,448 --> 00:11:11,758
buy things I don't need, then
don't pay it back right away.
369
00:11:11,862 --> 00:11:12,655
Sometimes I hide it.
370
00:11:12,758 --> 00:11:13,517
Oh my god!
371
00:11:13,620 --> 00:11:15,620
I'm a deadbeat.
372
00:11:15,724 --> 00:11:17,034
Why would you do that?
373
00:11:17,137 --> 00:11:18,758
I mean, you know you don't
have that kind of money.
374
00:11:18,862 --> 00:11:20,448
Well, I was trying
to impress Summer
375
00:11:20,551 --> 00:11:21,620
and she comes from money.
376
00:11:21,724 --> 00:11:25,068
Then why you ain't use
Summer's credit card.
377
00:11:25,172 --> 00:11:26,172
Really?
378
00:11:26,275 --> 00:11:27,413
OK.
379
00:11:27,517 --> 00:11:29,275
Look, I'll pay it back as
soon as I get to school.
380
00:11:29,379 --> 00:11:30,137
No.
381
00:11:30,241 --> 00:11:31,689
You're going to pay it now.
382
00:11:31,793 --> 00:11:33,000
I've got the
account pulled up.
383
00:11:33,103 --> 00:11:35,586
And next time you want to
buy something for a girl,
384
00:11:35,689 --> 00:11:37,137
think of your mother.
385
00:11:37,241 --> 00:11:40,655
I like night clothes,
I like lotions.
386
00:11:40,758 --> 00:11:41,896
Yes.
387
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:43,655
But sometimes you coming
to bed looking like you
388
00:11:43,758 --> 00:11:46,724
just rolled around in flour--
389
00:11:46,827 --> 00:11:47,551
just ashy.
390
00:11:50,931 --> 00:11:51,862
No, no.
391
00:11:51,965 --> 00:11:53,137
See, that's why
you got you-- yeah.
392
00:11:53,241 --> 00:11:55,551
Because I really wasn't
supposed to say that.
393
00:11:59,241 --> 00:12:03,413
Welcome our first ever
neighborhood watch debate.
394
00:12:03,517 --> 00:12:07,344
We are so excited to have these
two gentlemen to come and speak
395
00:12:07,448 --> 00:12:10,379
on their behalf, on their
views of what they feel
396
00:12:10,482 --> 00:12:12,379
the best issues are for this--
397
00:12:12,482 --> 00:12:13,413
Curtis, do you have a question?
398
00:12:13,517 --> 00:12:14,586
I have my hand up.
399
00:12:14,689 --> 00:12:18,586
Yes, baby, where are the
snacks we were promised?
400
00:12:18,689 --> 00:12:21,275
Baby, we will bring
the fruit out later, OK?
401
00:12:21,379 --> 00:12:22,413
That's fine.
402
00:12:22,517 --> 00:12:26,172
But just for the record,
fruits ain't snacks.
403
00:12:26,275 --> 00:12:27,103
That's vegetables.
404
00:12:27,206 --> 00:12:28,758
I'm working for you already.
405
00:12:28,862 --> 00:12:29,551
Thank you.
406
00:12:29,655 --> 00:12:30,379
That's what I do.
407
00:12:30,482 --> 00:12:32,275
Thank you Thank you.
408
00:12:32,379 --> 00:12:35,517
And now we will hear
from our first candidate,
409
00:12:35,620 --> 00:12:37,965
Fire Commissioner CJ Payne.
410
00:12:38,068 --> 00:12:39,448
[applause]
411
00:12:39,551 --> 00:12:40,482
Thank you.
412
00:12:40,586 --> 00:12:41,275
Thank you, Aunt Ella.
413
00:12:41,379 --> 00:12:42,103
Boo!
414
00:12:42,206 --> 00:12:43,448
Thank you.
415
00:12:43,551 --> 00:12:46,137
I decided to run for president
of our neighborhood watch
416
00:12:46,241 --> 00:12:48,034
because we need
someone who cares.
417
00:12:48,137 --> 00:12:49,551
Oh, he don't.
418
00:12:49,655 --> 00:12:52,758
We need someone who is
committed to giving their time.
419
00:12:52,862 --> 00:12:55,482
You see, because I've been a
resident of this neighborhood
420
00:12:55,586 --> 00:12:56,275
since--
421
00:12:56,379 --> 00:12:57,758
[yawning]
422
00:12:57,862 --> 00:12:58,724
Oh, I'm sorry.
423
00:12:58,827 --> 00:13:00,000
I was going to sleep.
424
00:13:00,103 --> 00:13:02,793
You can sit down.
425
00:13:02,896 --> 00:13:06,413
First of all, I want to
give honor to God, who
426
00:13:06,517 --> 00:13:08,137
is the head of my wife's life.
427
00:13:08,241 --> 00:13:10,275
Hallelujah.
428
00:13:10,379 --> 00:13:14,758
I've lived in this
neighborhood for 25 plus years.
429
00:13:14,862 --> 00:13:17,448
I've seen it at its best,
I've seen it at its worst.
430
00:13:17,551 --> 00:13:23,482
The worst day I ever saw was
when my son, Calvin, was shot.
431
00:13:23,586 --> 00:13:27,448
And there, I knew
something had to be done
432
00:13:27,551 --> 00:13:31,965
to take back the neighborhood!
433
00:13:32,068 --> 00:13:33,620
And there, I began to run!
434
00:13:33,724 --> 00:13:34,862
Oh.
435
00:13:34,965 --> 00:13:37,551
That is exactly
why I'm running--
436
00:13:37,655 --> 00:13:40,620
because we need someone who is
going to take this job serious,
437
00:13:40,724 --> 00:13:43,034
not someone who wants
to mimic Dr. King.
438
00:13:43,137 --> 00:13:44,896
Why don't you tell
them about your plan
439
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:46,965
for the unattractive neighbors?
440
00:13:47,068 --> 00:13:48,724
I've changed my
mind on that position.
441
00:13:48,827 --> 00:13:52,862
Because if I didn't, half
of y'all would be at home.
442
00:13:52,965 --> 00:13:57,000
We need someone who is going
to take this position serious.
443
00:13:57,103 --> 00:14:02,310
Now I plan to make sure that
every house has an exterior
444
00:14:02,413 --> 00:14:06,068
light because predators
are less likely to invade
445
00:14:06,172 --> 00:14:07,724
a well-lit house.
446
00:14:07,827 --> 00:14:08,896
Well, I have a plan, too.
447
00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:10,172
Yes?
448
00:14:10,275 --> 00:14:13,448
And my plan is to be
available to you at all times,
449
00:14:13,551 --> 00:14:14,689
you heard me?
450
00:14:14,793 --> 00:14:17,655
Because as you all well
know, our last president
451
00:14:17,758 --> 00:14:21,206
was available to one
person all the time.
452
00:14:21,310 --> 00:14:22,310
ELLA PAYNE: Don't you--
453
00:14:22,413 --> 00:14:24,344
CURTIS PAYNE: And we
won't say no names.
454
00:14:24,448 --> 00:14:27,896
Uh-- our-- our final
statements, please.
455
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:29,103
Please!
456
00:14:29,206 --> 00:14:32,827
This position deserves
a person that can commit.
457
00:14:32,931 --> 00:14:35,241
And now people, I need you
to be honest with yourselves.
458
00:14:35,344 --> 00:14:36,724
Who can do that?
459
00:14:36,827 --> 00:14:37,896
Huh?
460
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,275
Is it someone who's
retired, like myself?
461
00:14:40,379 --> 00:14:45,448
Or my opponent, who is a
active fire commissioner and
462
00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:47,586
he could get a call at any time?
463
00:14:47,689 --> 00:14:49,137
Think about it.
464
00:14:49,241 --> 00:14:51,137
You think about it!
465
00:14:51,241 --> 00:14:55,034
Ladies and gentlemen, you're
here because you want change.
466
00:14:55,137 --> 00:14:57,379
And that's what I'm
offering-- change.
467
00:14:57,482 --> 00:14:59,931
See, I am committed
to making sure--
468
00:15:00,034 --> 00:15:01,034
[cell ringing]
469
00:15:01,137 --> 00:15:01,827
[audience whispering]
470
00:15:01,931 --> 00:15:02,862
Excuse me.
471
00:15:02,965 --> 00:15:03,931
- One second.
- One second.
472
00:15:04,034 --> 00:15:05,000
I have to take this.
- One second.
473
00:15:05,103 --> 00:15:06,137
It could be the fire department.
- Yeah.
474
00:15:06,241 --> 00:15:08,103
It could be, but it
still makes my point.
475
00:15:08,206 --> 00:15:09,689
You see what I'm saying?
The truth--
476
00:15:09,793 --> 00:15:11,000
Curtis, will you
stop calling me!
477
00:15:11,103 --> 00:15:11,793
That's not funny.
478
00:15:11,896 --> 00:15:12,896
Lies!
479
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:14,965
Lies and innuen--
baby, how you say that?
480
00:15:15,068 --> 00:15:15,758
Innuendo.
481
00:15:15,862 --> 00:15:17,517
And innuendos.
482
00:15:17,620 --> 00:15:20,448
People, you been lied
to, you been hoodwinked!
483
00:15:20,551 --> 00:15:22,034
You been bamboozled!
484
00:15:22,137 --> 00:15:22,896
Led stray!
485
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:23,758
Run amok!
486
00:15:23,862 --> 00:15:25,137
Thank you.
487
00:15:25,241 --> 00:15:27,689
Now would be a good time for
us to take our snack break.
488
00:15:27,793 --> 00:15:28,482
Dr. King?
489
00:15:28,586 --> 00:15:29,551
So if you would--
490
00:15:29,655 --> 00:15:30,896
You're going to
start with Dr. King
491
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:33,068
and then you're going
to end with Malcolm X!
492
00:15:33,172 --> 00:15:33,862
That wasn't Malcolm X!
493
00:15:33,965 --> 00:15:34,689
What are you doing?
494
00:15:34,793 --> 00:15:36,103
That was Joseph [inaudible]!
495
00:15:36,206 --> 00:15:37,000
What a plan!
496
00:15:37,103 --> 00:15:37,793
What a plan!
497
00:15:37,896 --> 00:15:39,103
The Civil Rights Movement!
498
00:15:39,206 --> 00:15:41,034
What-- what are you going--
499
00:15:55,517 --> 00:15:57,620
Oh.
500
00:15:57,724 --> 00:15:58,724
[forced laughter]
501
00:15:58,827 --> 00:16:01,689
I was telling my
nephew, I hope it don't
502
00:16:01,793 --> 00:16:04,137
feel too bad when I beat him.
503
00:16:04,241 --> 00:16:06,448
Listen, these good people
are smart enough to know who
504
00:16:06,551 --> 00:16:07,758
the best man for the job is.
505
00:16:07,862 --> 00:16:08,551
You think?
506
00:16:11,931 --> 00:16:12,896
OK.
507
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:14,000
Gather around, everyone.
508
00:16:14,103 --> 00:16:14,758
You know?
509
00:16:14,862 --> 00:16:15,551
I know!
510
00:16:15,655 --> 00:16:17,482
Gather around, everyone!
511
00:16:17,586 --> 00:16:20,413
The tally of the votes are in.
512
00:16:20,517 --> 00:16:21,586
OK.
513
00:16:21,689 --> 00:16:25,172
Thank you for coming
out and participating.
514
00:16:25,275 --> 00:16:27,517
This was such a close race.
515
00:16:27,620 --> 00:16:28,344
Oh, goodness!
516
00:16:28,448 --> 00:16:29,931
It was so close--
517
00:16:30,034 --> 00:16:30,931
this race was just too--
518
00:16:31,034 --> 00:16:31,793
OK.
519
00:16:31,896 --> 00:16:32,896
Can you get on with it, woman?
520
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:36,517
Curtis, it was so
close that we have a tie!
521
00:16:36,620 --> 00:16:37,310
Oh!
522
00:16:37,413 --> 00:16:38,137
A what?
523
00:16:38,241 --> 00:16:39,172
ELLA PAYNE: A tie!
524
00:16:39,275 --> 00:16:40,379
That's impossible.
525
00:16:40,482 --> 00:16:41,689
We can't be a tie.
526
00:16:41,793 --> 00:16:44,482
There's not a tie
if everybody voted.
527
00:16:44,586 --> 00:16:47,137
Oh, wait, wait.
528
00:16:47,241 --> 00:16:48,931
I forgot to vote.
529
00:16:49,034 --> 00:16:49,758
You forgot to--
530
00:16:49,862 --> 00:16:50,758
CJ
531
00:16:50,862 --> 00:16:52,689
He got Alzheimer's!
532
00:16:52,793 --> 00:16:53,896
Huh?
533
00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:56,482
And He's a convicted
felon, did you know that?
534
00:16:56,586 --> 00:16:58,482
And he's an illegal alien.
535
00:16:58,586 --> 00:17:00,862
And he don't recycle.
536
00:17:00,965 --> 00:17:03,137
He shouldn't be allowed to vote.
537
00:17:03,241 --> 00:17:04,379
It's so dirty.
538
00:17:04,482 --> 00:17:05,413
Oh, you so dirty.
539
00:17:08,862 --> 00:17:16,379
The new neighborhood watch
president is Curtis T. Payne!
540
00:17:16,482 --> 00:17:17,344
Woohoo!
541
00:17:17,448 --> 00:17:18,344
Yes!
542
00:17:18,448 --> 00:17:19,344
Moi?
543
00:17:19,448 --> 00:17:20,758
That's me, baby?
544
00:17:20,862 --> 00:17:21,758
It's you.
545
00:17:21,862 --> 00:17:23,206
- What do you-- watch out.
- Curtis!
546
00:17:23,310 --> 00:17:24,172
Let me see it!
Look at it!
547
00:17:24,275 --> 00:17:24,965
Look at it!
548
00:17:25,068 --> 00:17:25,862
Look at it!
549
00:17:25,965 --> 00:17:26,758
I'm the president!
550
00:17:26,862 --> 00:17:29,206
I'm the president, everybody!
551
00:17:29,310 --> 00:17:30,517
This is your
president, right here!
552
00:17:30,620 --> 00:17:32,551
I'm changing some
things, you heard me?
553
00:17:32,655 --> 00:17:34,344
And this is my first lady.
554
00:17:34,448 --> 00:17:36,344
I'm buying her some new dresses.
555
00:17:36,448 --> 00:17:37,724
Enough about her.
556
00:17:37,827 --> 00:17:40,517
President!
557
00:17:40,620 --> 00:17:43,793
CJ, you voted for Curtis?
558
00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:44,586
Yeah.
559
00:17:44,689 --> 00:17:45,413
Why, baby?
560
00:17:45,517 --> 00:17:46,862
Why?
561
00:17:46,965 --> 00:17:48,896
Well, once I could see that
he was taking the job serious,
562
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:50,379
I knew he was the
best man for the job.
563
00:17:50,482 --> 00:17:51,310
Yes, he is.
564
00:17:51,413 --> 00:17:52,137
Yeah.
565
00:17:52,241 --> 00:17:54,137
Thank you.
566
00:17:54,241 --> 00:17:55,551
Unc.
567
00:17:55,655 --> 00:17:56,586
Congrats.
568
00:17:56,689 --> 00:18:00,310
Nephew, thank you.
569
00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:01,620
Man, if you were
going to vote for me,
570
00:18:01,724 --> 00:18:02,931
why did you run against me?
571
00:18:03,034 --> 00:18:04,655
Well, I only ran
against you to, you know,
572
00:18:04,758 --> 00:18:06,448
just show you how
serious the position was.
573
00:18:06,551 --> 00:18:08,586
Once I saw that you
were taking it serious,
574
00:18:08,689 --> 00:18:10,793
I knew there was no one better.
575
00:18:10,896 --> 00:18:12,965
Well, you got that right.
576
00:18:13,068 --> 00:18:15,793
And I'm going to do everything
that I promise for the people.
577
00:18:15,896 --> 00:18:16,896
- Good.
- All right.
578
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:17,689
Good.
579
00:18:17,793 --> 00:18:19,137
So--
580
00:18:19,241 --> 00:18:20,931
I hope you realize that being
neighborhood watch president
581
00:18:21,034 --> 00:18:23,551
is really time consuming.
582
00:18:23,655 --> 00:18:24,586
Huh?
583
00:18:24,689 --> 00:18:25,827
Yeah.
584
00:18:25,931 --> 00:18:27,000
I mean, it could be like
having a full time job.
585
00:18:30,827 --> 00:18:32,206
What do you mean?
586
00:18:32,310 --> 00:18:34,206
I mean, you got people
knocking on your door
587
00:18:34,310 --> 00:18:35,448
at all hours of the night.
588
00:18:35,551 --> 00:18:36,517
Oh, hell no!
589
00:18:36,620 --> 00:18:37,827
And you got-- you
know, you got to go
590
00:18:37,931 --> 00:18:38,965
to every city council meeting.
591
00:18:39,068 --> 00:18:39,931
I don't know about that.
592
00:18:40,034 --> 00:18:42,551
It's like real work.
593
00:18:42,655 --> 00:18:43,724
I never thought about it.
594
00:18:43,827 --> 00:18:45,206
Yeah.
595
00:18:45,310 --> 00:18:46,413
OK.
596
00:18:46,517 --> 00:18:48,344
Enjoy!
597
00:18:48,448 --> 00:18:49,620
ELLA PAYNE: See you later, CJ
598
00:18:49,724 --> 00:18:51,137
All right, everybody!
599
00:18:51,241 --> 00:18:53,862
Now your new neighborhood
watch president
600
00:18:53,965 --> 00:18:55,517
will address all
of your questions,
601
00:18:55,620 --> 00:18:58,482
and comments, and your concerns.
602
00:18:58,586 --> 00:18:59,310
Yes.
603
00:18:59,413 --> 00:19:00,413
Please, come, come, come.
604
00:19:00,517 --> 00:19:02,172
- Anyone have any questions?
- Yes!
605
00:19:02,275 --> 00:19:03,034
Yes!
606
00:19:03,137 --> 00:19:04,827
[crowd talking at once]
607
00:19:06,724 --> 00:19:08,793
Curtis, don't do that!
40556
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