All language subtitles for Tyler Perrys House of Payne - S08E08 - The Best Surprise WEBDL-1080p_track3_[eng]

[music playing]

Light bill, water
bill, heat bill.

Baby, you know what?

When we move, we need to
have all this stuff forwarded

to CJ's house, how about that?

What is this from?

I don't know, but if it's
a bill, I'm not paying it.

Oh, it's from the
Homeowners Association.

We don't owe them
any money yet, do we?

No, baby.

It's probably just
the HOA guidelines.

Ella, please.

I don't even need to see them.

I can't follow the
ten commandments,

how am I going to follow them?

Well, baby, well,
the HOA president

will probably expect us to
follow all of these rules,

babe.

Yeah, well you
tell the president

I'm not learning nothing, OK?

They need to read
up on Curtis Payne,

the man, the myth, the legend.

Legend?

Ha!

I got your legend.

Right, you know what?

I'mma ship your little
attitude over to Alaska

never to be heard from again.

How 'bout that?

Oh, I'm so scared.

CURTIS: I bet.

- I'm so scared.
- I see you shaking.

- You way over there, though.
- What you--

- Now you over there.
- [inaudible]

CALVIN: Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey!

TOGETHER: Winning!

Ahh!

Yes!

The restraining
order has been lifted.

CURTIS: Oh, good.
- Hallelujah.

And then they had to
dismiss the case because there

wasn't enough evidence.

I bet you could hear her
face crack on the floor

clear across the court room.

No, no.

Tracie didn't even show up.

It was just her lawyer.

Mm-hmm.

She knew better than to bring
that little white, fake,

chihuahua coat
back up in there--

Oh, Miranda.

Miranda.

Yes, Ms. Ella.

OK.

OK, tell us everything.

Well, the lawyer said
that Tracie agreed to give

us Calvin JR on his birthday.

ELLA: Oh.

Only catch is that
all communication

has to go through you.

Oh, please.

If I get to see my grandson,
then I will communicate any way

Tracy wants.

MIRANDA: Yeah.

- Oh, you hungry?
- Always.

Then go home.

So, where you taking little
man for his birthday?

You know, we haven't
thought about it yet.

Oh, what about Six Flags?

It's a waste of money.

He's not tall enough yet
to even ride the rides.

Well, what about the aquarium?

He had fun when he went
down there, didn't he?

Mm-hmm.

Thank you, baby.

Until someone screamed
they were hungry

and wanted a fish sandwich.

Who did that?

Who did that?

What?

Aquariums make me hungry.

So what?

Hey, why don't we throw
him a birthday party?

You know what, baby?

We should.

We can invite all his
old friends from daycare.

Awe, that sounds like
a great idea to me.

To me too.

Especially if it's
not over here.

Thank you.

Why are you being
so nice to me today?

What do you want?

You better stop.

You got 30 minutes to stop, K?

[music playing]

[sirens]

MIRANDA: We're going to
have clowns as the theme.

Kids love clowns.

Kids love clowns, Lord.

Hey.

Hey, babe.

Baby, check this out.

Huh, huh, huh?

Oh, this is
good, this is good.

Thank you.

I'm thinking we go
with a superhero theme

for his party tomorrow.

Kids love superheroes.

You look ridiculous.

And you look like a unicorn.

[miranda laughs]

[mocks laughs] Kids
his age don't even

know what superheroes are.

Uh, excuse me,
JR loves Batman.

OK, he does not
know the difference

between Batman and Bugs Bunny.

Calvin JR doesn't
watch Bugs Bunny.

[phone rings]

And he doesn't eat carrots.

Hey, mom.

What?

Why?

Well, that messes up our
plans for his birthday.

Uh-oh.

Whatever.

It's always something.

Baby, what's wrong?

Mom just talked
to Tracie's mom,

and they're taking him
out of town this weekend.

No, wait, she can't do that.

So frustrating.

Every time we got
plans, she always

comes in the way and mess--

Baby, baby, baby,
baby, baby, listen.

We can still spend the
day with him, right?

We had plans.

It's OK.

We will make this happen.

That's right.

We can just move everything up.

And whoever can come, can come.

We will have an amazing party.
Right.

Right.

He will just open his
gifts a little early

and we will still
get to see our son.

That's what's really
important, right?

Right.

You know what?

You're right.

Tracie can do
whatever she wants,

but she's not messing up
my son's birthday party.

No, she's not.

[squeak]

I don't like clowns.

[squeak]

[music playing]

Mm, they're good.

[doorbell]

I can cook.

OK, baby.

We need to make a great
impression, all right?

For what?

Curtis, would you get
those ribs out of here?

She's here.

And?

Curtis, this is the president
of the Homeowners Association.

I want to make a
good impression.

Please, don't nobody
care about them people.

I don't know why
you invited them

over here in the first place.

Quiet.

Hello.

Hello.

I'm Ella Payne.

Bianca Jones?

Bianca Jones.

Welcome.

This is my husband,
Curtis Payne.

Very nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Uh, what year you from?

Bianca, I am so glad that
you were able to come by.

We have not had a chance to look
at the whole book as of yet.

Oh, that's not a problem.

Oh, hors d'oeuvres.

Thank you very much.

Wait--

Are they barbecue?

Barbecue?

Heaven, thank you.

I appreciate it.

No, they're actually smoked.

It's my specialty.

Oh, they're delicious.

Thank you.

Oh, you're welcome.

Please have a seat.

Curtis.

BIANCA JONES: Nice.

We're looking
forward to moving in.

And here we are.

We were thinking about putting
willow trees in the front yard.

And I'm going to put a
barbecue pit in the backyard

with a great, big gazebo.

Sort of like an
outdoor living room

with a ceiling fan, white
pillars, and a red tile roof.

Oh, did you say white pillars?

Yes.

Well, is it eggshell
white or cream?

Oh, we're-- we're not sure.

We didn't talk about it.

Because the
association only allows

cream for exterior structures.

OK, well, cream--

well, maybe we could
just make cream work.

Well, what-- and, uh, what
about the willows in the front?

Yes.

The property I grew up on
had bunches of willows.

Just willow, willow, willow--

Well, now that's not
going to work either.

OK, well, wait a minute.

Are you going to be
living in the house

or are we going to
live in the house?

Well, you are, Mr. Payne.

But if you go against
the guidelines

of the Homeowners Associations,
you're asking for trouble.

They're asking
for trouble if they

going flex on Curtis Payne.

No one's flexing
on Curtis Payne.

That's right.

But you have to go
with the guidelines.

We're very diplomatic.

These are just our policies.

Well, I'm sure that
we can find a way

to get what we want
without upsetting

the neighborhood or Curtis.

Too late.

Can you view the
rest of our plans?

All right.

Thank you.

Oh, you're not allowed
to have a sun deck.

You're not allowed to
have a red brick driveway.

You're not allowed to
have a picket fence.

Don't throw that.

Don't do that, please.

But you're not
allowed to have it.

OK.

The So basically
what you're saying

is that our dream house
could not be our dream house.

Well, if you
want to dream here,

you got to wake up and
read the guidelines first.

[laughs]

[fake laugh]

Oh, he got it.

Well, I'll tell you what.

Yeah.

Since I'm going to
be paying the mortgage

on the house, and
not the association,

how about we go by my rules?

[fake laugh]

Oh, so you're a tough guy?

You think you can intimidate me?

Yeah.

Well, you can
huff, you can puff,

but you can't blow
this house down.

I've bout with the toughest.

- Ms. Jones.
- Yes.

Bianca.

Yeah.

Some of our requests
are just not negotiable.

Well, you're not going
to get a contractor.

We won't get a contrac--

OK, let me tell you
what I don't appreciate.

I don't appreciate
anybody coming in my house

and telling me what
to do in my house.

Well, it's my job.

Well then you need to
do your job on the other

side of the front door.

How 'bout that?

Well-- oh, I've been kicked
out of better houses than this,

Mr. Payne.

[fake laugh] Whatever.

[audio out]

[doorbell]

OK, OK, everybody.

Come on, come on, come on.
- Come on, come on.

All right.
Everybody stop.

Stop.
Get ready.

[doorbell]
- Ready?

Get ready to yell "surprise."

All right.

1, 2, 3--

ALL: Surprise!

I'm not surprised.

I knew y'all was having
a birthday party.

Hi, Lil B. Hi, Lil B!

Oh!

Where's mom?

Oh, I tried to call
her on the cell phone,

but you know how your
mommy is about driving

and talking on the phone.

Oh, cheese fish.

Nice.

Look at all the little kids.

Get Him out the way.
Get them out the way.

OK.

Come on, have a seat.

[sqeaking]

Ah!

[doorbell]

Oh, that must be her.

Everybody.
Come on, come on.

- He's here, he's here.
- Everybody ready?

Ready?

1--

1, 2, 3--

ALL: Surprise!

I'm sorry.

Where's JR?

I'm sorry, Calvin.

I tried to get Tracie
to change her mind,

but she just would not
let Calvin JR come.

[music playing]

Hey, everybody.

[music stops]

[music playing]

I just feel like the other
lawyer was more established.

Yeah, well our packets
aren't established.

So my cousin Damon is
going to have to do.

Is he even a trial lawyer?

No, but he's a cheap lawyer.

And he's all we can
afford right now.

Tell me again exactly
how y'all are related.

Well, I think
he's my pop's second

cousin's ex-wife's lover's son.

OK, so y'all
aren't even related.

[doorbell]

That's him.

Hey!

What up, little cuzzo?

What's up man?

Long time no see, right?

Yeah.

Look at you.

Yeah, I fell off a little bit.

I got--

Hey, man.

Well, this is my wife, Miranda.
- Hey.

Hi.

How you doing, sister?

You all right?

This you, cuz?

Oh, yes, sir.

Yeah, so look here, man.

My mom was telling me you was
having some baby mama drama.

Yeah, yeah.

So what exactly
is your background?

Look, we appreciate
you not charging us much,

but, look, Damon, if
you can't handle this--

Hey, I can handle it.

I graduated from
online law school

and I passed every mock
trial I had in class

And I can talk my baby
mama down when she

trying to stab me without
putting my hands on her.

I got [inaudible].

I'm sure that was quite
a challenge for you.

Yeah, well I took an
anger management class

and it helped me out a lot.

Dammit!

Oh.

So exactly how many
classes did you--

Um.

Oh, I mean, um, cases.

I mean cases have you had?

Well, I really should
say, but since we family,

this is my first.

It's going to be crunk, baby.

Well, baby, that's
what family's for.

To stick by each other
through hard times.

OK, listen.

Tracie is all about power.

She doesn't even
care about Calvin JR,

she is just doing
this to mess with us.

OK, wait a minute.

Are you just going to sit
there and eat jelly beans,

or are you going to take a
pen out and take some notes?

Go ahead, woman.
I'm listening.

Well, she's not just using
Calvin to mess with us.

She's--

If that was the case,
she would let you see him.

Hey, you should listen
to your girl, man.

They be right some time.

MIRANDA: See?

Oh, some-- what?

I got two baby
mama's I know about

and they used to always try
to pull this type of stuff

on me before law school.

That's what happens when
they ain't scared of you.

Oh.

Oh, candy corn
you got over there?

I'm going to eat it.

OK, listen.

Kids need to be with
someone who's stable,

and Tracie just isn't that.

Oh, sounds like
she's a real nut job.

But I bet she was fine as hell.

Wasn't she?

Yeah, she was

Probably was.

No, she was ugly.

Yeah, but, uh, children
need a dad in their life.

That's what keep them stable.

That's what-- that's
what I'm trying to say.

[phone ringing]

Oh, hold on one second, man.

Excuse me.

Must be business.

Hello?

Yeah.

You called-- he didn't--

it ain't nothing
but a broke leg.

I told you, don't call
my phone about that baby

unless it's an emergency.

That was my mom.

OK, really Damon?
Really?

Yeah, that was my mom.

She be blowing my phone up.

I'mma Had to switch
my number up on her.

OK, look, can we
please get back on track?

All right, man.
Just go ahead, baby.

I'm listening.

I'm trying to--

OK, now what we are asking
for isn't unreasonable.

Joint custody.

My son should be able
to see his father

just like he sees his mother.

MIRANDA: Yes.

Boy, you colorful as hell.

Hey, but judges eat
that kind of stuff up.

MIRANDA: Calvin has
done everything right.

And she can't do this just
because she's mad that he

doesn't love her anymore.

What are you doing?

Oh, this is great stuff.

Can I use it in my
closing arguments?

Hey, man.

I'm joking around,
but I'm serious.

Give me a chance.

We'll get a little Calvin
JR back home with you.

And by the way, little mama.

I wanted to drink this,
but it's not cold no more.

Can you give me another?

[audio out]

We cannot have any
more problems, OK?

She agreed to come
back over here.

Well, she started it.

And you ended it.

None of the contractors
we call will work with us.

None of them.

I'll never get to
have my dream house.

Baby, yes you will.

Yes, you will.

Trust me.

Curtis, please put those back.

Put them back for what?
No.

Put those back, baby.

Baby, no.

I like them, and she loves them.

And it's part of my master plan.

[evil laugh]

- You know what, Curtis?
- What?

[doorbell]

I don't want you to
do or say anything.

As a matter of fact, come on.

Yeah, let's get the the door.

No.

Please go into the other room.
Just let me handle it.

Baby, we don't
have time for that.

Go!

No!

Look, there's no chance.
- Shh!

I'm going to make her
an offer she can't refuse.

She's right here.

Open the door.

Hello.

So I understand you
had a little trouble

getting a new contractor.

Yes, we did.

Come on in.

Curtis?

Bianca?
Curtis?

Stop!

Thank you.

Please, have a seat.

Oh, thank you.

We-- we are willing to do
everything that the HOA wants.

Speak for yourself.

I understand.

I understand what
you were saying.

There are rules.

And I was sitting and
I was just thinking,

just early this
morning, I was saying

there might be a way that we can
just work around those rules.

What's that?

What is that?

It's a gift.

Oh, I can't be
bought, Mr. Payne.

Well, I think you can.

And I think you will.

Curtis, what are you doing?

What are you doing?

Baby, I'm getting
you your house.

I insist.

Coupons?

Coupons?

I mean, you look like you
might enjoy an occasional trip

to the Olive Garden.

I can't accept these.

Although the bottomless pasta
bowl is one of my favorites.

No.

Oh.

Look, Ms. Jones.

Look, we've been
married a long time, OK?

Mm-hmm.

Well, most of the things
that I've given my wife

have not been perfect.

But she's going
to get this house.

And it's going to be perfect
to make up for all the things

about me that's not perfect.

So if it takes money,
I got money, OK?

If it takes coupons,
I got more coupons.

But this wonderful
woman deserves

the house of her dreams.

And whatever I have
to do to get it,

then you better
believe I'll do it.

Should've went
with the cupcakes.

Oh, oh, that was So sweet.

TOGETHER: Really?

I know.

We-- we could compromise.

I mean, I know it's
going to be hard.

You won't get your house
that you really wanted.

I mean, you can't put everything
together, but I promise you--

OK.

--I'm going to work with you.

Oh, thank you.

I am going to work with you.

Thank you.

Consider this a favor.

And some day, and that
day may never come,

I may call upon you
to do a favor for me.

Capiche?

Si.

OK, so, what kind of
favor we talking about?

I mean--

Well, something along
the lines of those ribs.

I mean, that's the
reason why I came here.

Oh.

- Yeah, well, here, do it all.
- Oh, thank you so.

Oh, I just--
- Consider the debt paid.

Oh, thank you--

oh, this is great.

You know what?

This will be a great addition
for the July fourth block

party.

Yeah.

Ahh, yes.

Well, welcome to
the neighborhood.

Thank you, thank you.

- This is terrific.
- Thank you, thank you.

I love it.

These are my favorite ribs.

Bon appetit.

Curtis Payne, thank you.

You owe me.

Or what?

[music playing]

[audio out]

[music playing]

Don't you [inaudible].

That was an
absolute nightmare.

Man, I thought when
they assigned Judge Lori,

we had it in the bag.

But it wasn't.

She didn't like us very much.

You know, I must say, you
did do a pretty good job today.

I was surprised.

Hey, well I take
my job seriously.

I got a lot of child
support to pay.

I was thinking, just give me $20
and make the rest of the check

out to Shaquanita Jackson.

Man, this was
supposed to be simple.

Yes.

We should have won.

Yeah, but that fire keeps
coming back to bite us,

little match girl.

You know what?

Tracie just keeps
jerking us around.

Well, now since we have no
rights in the court's eyes,

she could keep doing
whatever she wants.

And here we are, once
again, sitting here, helpless.

Two visits a month?

And those have
to be supervised.

I know you wanted more.

But I'm telling you, man,
if we just hang in there--

No, there's no reason
why I shouldn't be

able to see my son every day.

And if the courts can't
see that, then screw them.

Hey, calm down, cuz.

Supervised visits
are the first step.

If you play your
cards right with this,

we should have no problems.

There wasn't supposed
to be any problems today.

All right.
OK.

If it's supervised visitation
that they're going to give us,

we'll take that for now.

Yes, and they will be
the best supervised visits

in the history of
supervised visits.

Damon, we're not
throwing in the towel.

No, it's far from over.

That's what I'm talking about.

Let's get ready
to scrap for ours.

Got--

[laughing]

Hey, baby, you need
to go cook now, right?

You know--

[audio out]

[music playing]