Original subtitles

Ok. All right. Oh. All right.

Ooh! I thought I exterminated

All the little rug rats.

What is she still doing here?

Curtis, don't do that.

Mwah.

She just needed a quiet place to

Study -- quiet.

Well, next time, point her to

The library.

Can't get no quieter than that.

Leave her alone.

We are studying.

Thank you.

Ok, jazi, who is given credit

For inventing the telephone?

That's easy: tyrone mobile.

Curtis.

I'm sorry.

That's the cellphone.

Please?

It's alexander graham bell.

Yes! Ok.

What african-american woman has

Been recognized as america's

First self-made female

Millionaire?

Little richard.

I said "Woman."

It's madam c.J. Walker.

Yes. Very good, very good,

Very good.

Ok. Uh-oh. Ready?

What's the formula for pi?

Oh, that's easy: flour,

Sugar, eggs, milk, and a little

Cognac if madea's making it.

Please, curtis, please.

Ok? Pi.

Pi equals 3.14, but the

Actual formula is the

Circumference of a circle

Divided by its diameter.

Ha ha ha ha! Ok!

That don't even sound right.

Very good!

Well, it is right, curtis.

Ok. How many elements are on the

Periodic table?

How many elements are on the

Periodic table?

1, 2, 3, 4. Period.

Uncle curtis, this is

Serious.

I have to pass this test.

There are 118 elements on the

Periodic table.

Yes, yes.

I am so impressed with you.

I don't know why you so

Impressed, ella.

Brains run in the payne family.

You've been seeing it all your

Life since we've been together.

You've been seeing greatness.

Well, then how do you explain

Cousin calvin?

Ella's side of the family.

Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh,

Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh. Unh-unh.

Give it here!

Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh.

I prepared you a hot breakfast,

Curtis.

It's about doggone time.

What the...

What the hell is this?

That's a breakfast bar, baby.

Breakfast is the most important

Meal of the day.

It should not include doughnuts,

Whipped cream, and chocolate

Filling.

I'm gonna eat it.

I'm not gonna like it.

I'm so nervous.

This test is, like, huge, and if

I don't get the highest test

Score, then I'm not gonna become

President.

Baby, why would you want to

Be president when you can be

First lady michelle?

Just calm down.

Now, jazmine, you studied,

Right?

Yes, ma'am.

Good. So now all you have

To do is pray.

Pray?

You know prayer.

Pray, yes. What?

Yes, ma'am, but I thought

That you could only pray when

You go to sleep, when you eat,

Or when somebody gets sick.

He told you that?

Ok, jazmine, you can pray about

Anything at any time.

While you got your little

Pipeline to god, tell me the

First 6 numbers pop into your

Head, real quick.

Curtis, don't do that.

Don't do that.

I'm talking to her and god.

Ok, curtis, the financial

Experts think the economy will

Have a full recovery.

Baby, if america want to do

Better with they money, they

Need to ask curtis payne

To keep the books.

You know, you are the only

Person I know who can cut a

Penny in half.

You're damn skippy. Hee hee!

Hey, baby, you remember that

Time when I convinced calvin

That christmas was on

April fool's?

And every time he opened a

Present, it'd be empty?

Ha! That was me.

"Merry christmas."

"April fool's."

"Merry christmas."

"April fool's day."

Yep. Ha ha ha!

Saved a lot of money, didn't we,

Baby?

We sure did.

8 years straight.

8 years.

Auntie ella! Uncle curtis!

Whoo! Thank you, lord! Whoo-hoo!

Ok, baby, if you don't get

Your shoes off my couch...

You are not that happy.

Guess what happened to me

Today?

Somebody ran into your house

Without knocking?

Guess who got the highest

Test score in their grade?

The little chinese boy that

Sit behind you?

Uncle curtis, no. It was me!

Don't listen to him.

Give me a hug.

I'm so proud of you!

That is fantastic!

Give your uncle some, give

Your uncle some.

Uh-uh. Back up off me, bro.

I told you.

Didn't I tell you?

Didn't I tell you everything was

Gonna work out?

Didn't I?

Yes.

But that's not what you said

When she left.

Don't do that.

You told me not to say that.

I'm sorry.

Yes, ma'am, you did. Ha!

Oh! And guess what else?

Ok. What, what, what, what,

What, what?

There was a raffle to win

A free trip to six flags...

Oh.

* and guess who won that?

Not you?

I won it!

Not you?

I won.

Again?

I won. Yes!

Aah!

That's 3 years in a row!

You got the jackpot! Hee hee!

Auntie ella, I know now all

I have to do is pray.

That's all you got to do is

Pray.

Ooh, pray.

Pray.

Pray.

Just to make it today.

Ooh!

Pray!

* pray

Pray, pray, pray, pray!

And pray for the numbers today.

Hee hee hee!

Let me know what god say after

You pray.

Ha ha!

Curtis, don't do that.

Don't do what?

Don't do that.

You play too much.

Baby, the jackpot is

$122 million.

Come on.

Ok, curtis, that means that

You will owe god $12.2 million

In tithes.

You gonna do that?

Yeah. I'll give it to him

When I see him.

Keep on playing with the

Lord.

It may be sooner than you think,

Curtis.

You were so right,

Auntie ella.

Prayer really does work.

I cannot thank you enough.

Aww, that's so wonderful,

Baby, but wait a minute.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Don't thank me. Thank the lord.

Well, thank you, lord.

Well, thank you, lord.

Wish I could thank the lord.

But I can't thank you, because

They won't pray.

They know if they don't pray,

You won't give the numbers.

* today is the day

* 6 weeks today

* today is the day

* 6 weeks today

* today is the day

* 6 weeks today

Miranda?

Miranda?

Honey.

What, what, what?

Is everyone ok?

What's going on? Is it morning?

What?

Why did you wake me up?

I haven't slept in months.

Baby, I just wanted to say

Hey.

Ohh.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Really? Are you serious,

Calvin? I am not feeling sexy.

I am absolutely exhausted, and

My body is all crazy.

Oh, baby, I understand.

I understand, see, because my

Body is all crazy, too, because

The doctor want to say we got to

Wait 6 weeks, but time's up.

Oww. Yeah.

Baby, my feet are still

Swollen and my stretch marks

Look like mapquest and I have

Facial hairs.

Baby, it's ok.

I'm growing facial hair, too,

And your mustache is sexy.

My body--it just isn't even

Working the way it's supposed

To.

Well, mine is.

Look, baby, I didn't know that

Your body was going through all

That, but I know what you need.

What?

A little sexual healing.

Sexual healing is what got me

Here.

I need some sleep.

Ok. Ok.

I'm just feeling a little

Neglected, ok?

Look, I just miss us.

Spent so much time taking care

Of the baby, we forgot to take

Care of our business.

Ok. When you put it like

That, I completely understand.

So let me know when you want

To do this, between the diaper

Change, breast-feeding,

Projectile vomit.

You know, I'm feeling real sexy

Right now.

I'm feeling like taking a

Cold shower.

Good. I'm gonna take a nap.

I feel you.

Oh. Stretching.

I love you.

[tv playing]

Jazmine, you've been watching

Tv all day.

Shouldn't you be studying?

Don't think that because you got

The highest score on your test,

That you don't have to apply

Yourself.

Yes, sir.

I'll do it right now.

Good.

[tv turns off]

Ok. Ooh.

Lord, you really came through,

Helping me pass this test, and

Thank you for the short day at

School.

But most of all, I want to thank

You for letting funky freddy be

Absent today.

But, lord, if it's not too much,

I just have one more request.

Could you please let all the

Knowledge in these books soak

From my hands to my beautiful

Brain?

Ok. Thank you so much. Amen.

Ok, that's enough studying for

Today.

And, jazi, don't forget it's

Your turn to do the dishes.

Yes, sir.

Oh, yeah, lord?

I'm sorry I keep interrupting

You...

But could you knock out them

Dishes for me, too?

All right. Appreciate it.

Thanks.

Son, I cannot believe you had

Me waiting for you for half

An hour.

Have you lost your mind?

[tv turns on]

Sorry.

I didn't mean to make you late.

I just didn't want my friends to

See me getting picked up by

My mom.

Now, if they would've left

Sooner, I could've got in the

Car earlier, so, really, it's

Just they fault.

Really, in addition to yours.

[phone ringing]

Ooh, hallelujah!

Hello?

School's great, malik's in

Trouble, and I'm going to

Six flags.

It doesn't get much better than

This.

Ooh, thank you, lord. Thank you.

Jazi?

Why is that tv still on and your

Room is a mess?

Why haven't you cleaned it?

Jazi, that was your teacher.

She says you haven't turned in

Your homework.

You want to tell us what's

Going on, young lady?

Uh...

Ooh! Hold that thought.

Lord, if you can hear me, I'm

Really gonna need some help down

Here, because right now I'm in

Big trouble and the walls are

Closing in.

What you need?

I need some advice.

I'm having problems at home.

Do you hear what you just

Said?

I'm having problems at home.

You said you having problems

At home...

But you're standing here.

You're having problems where?

At home.

At home.

You know the beauty of that?

But I...

You have to go home to solve

Your problem that's at home, and

You're standing here.

So what I need you to do--my

Advice is that you go home and

Solve that problem.

But...

I need some advice.

My advice is go home and

Solve your problem, son.

Come on, pop, I'm serious.

Ever since we had the baby,

Miranda and I haven't been...

We don't...

You know, like we used to

Before.

Like before you had the baby?

Yeah.

Ha! Payback's a bia!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, calvin, please, those days

Are over.

It's a wrap.

Shut the gate.

But the baby gets more

Attention than I do.

Calvin, before you were born,

I couldn't keep your mama's

Hands off of me.

Hmm.

And then you were born, and

That changed everything, because

Then it was all about calvin.

All about calvin.

"Don't let calvin play by the

Pool."

I said, "What he gonna play

With?

What's he gonna do?

He can't even walk. He crawling.

Just set him down, splash a

Little water on him."

"No. He might fall in."

When you fell in, I got you out.

You still here, ain't you?

You did sink right down to the

Bottom, though, but I got you

Out.

I get it.

It happens to all fathers.

It's what goes up.

Look, pop, I love my son,

But I miss my wife.

Her body's changing.

We don't go to sleep at the same

Time.

Only one of you need to be

Awake.

You didn't know that?

Can you give me some advice

Here?

I came for advice.

So, who changes the baby,

Calvin?

Miranda.

Who bathes the baby?

Miranda.

Who breast-feeds the baby?

What?

You taking too long to

Answer.

Miranda.

You get my point?

You understand what I'm telling

You?

No, I don't understand what

You're telling me.

The point is, calvin, maybe

If you do a little more...

Then I'll start getting a

Little more.

There it is.

Got it.

That's my college graduate

Right there.

Then she'll let you

Da-da-da-da.

My son.

You know what?

I really don't even understand

How this happened.

I mean, I prayed.

Everything should've been fine.

What do you mean, everything

Should've been fine?

We're out of the scrub pads.

Does that mean I don't have to

Do the pots anymore?

They are behind the garbage

Bags.

Thanks.

Jazi, just because you pray

About something doesn't mean

It's just gonna happen.

What?

Are you saying god isn't real?

Ooh, lord, it was not me!

It was my mama.

Jazi, of course I'm not

Saying that.

God is definitely real, but

Prayer doesn't work that way.

Who put that idea in your head

In the first place?

Ha! Don't tell me god ain't

Real, honey.

Ha ha!

The lord will answer your

Prayers.

Janine, come on.

Look at this, baby.

Ah-ha-ha!

I bought the twins 2 outfits

Today, 60% off.

Ha! The lord, the lord, the lord

Did it, yes.

Hey, auntie ella, didn't you

Tell me that I did not have to

Worry about anything?

I just had to pray and god would

Take care of the rest?

That's right, baby.

God answers prayers: 60% off.

Yes. Thank you, auntie ella.

See, daddy? It is all her fault.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

Wait, wait.

Now, wait a minute.

What is all my fault?

What's going on here?

Well, it seems that jazmine

Misinterpreted what you were

Trying to say to her about how

Prayer works.

Misunderstood what?

Who misunder--excuse me, baby.

Are you saying ella's in

Trouble?

Baby--y'all just standing there

Like this is an everyday kind of

Thing.

We got to let people know that

Ella--hey, people, ella's

In trouble with the kids!

What-- nobody gonna believe it.

Nobody's gonna believe it.

Too much.

I got to record it.

You're doing too much.

What you talking about, too

Much?

You've never been in trouble,

Ella.

Huh? You been under a god cloud

For so long, you ain't been in

Trouble.

If somebody--they're not gonna

Believe it at the church.

I got to record it.

And...

Action.

And so jazmine hasn't been

Doing her schoolwork because she

Thought the lord was going to

Do it for her.

Jazi, is that true?

Well, I mean, you told me

That all I had to do was pray,

Everything would be fine, so I

Did.

Acting like I did something

Wrong.

I'm with it.

Baby, she told me the same thing

When I prayed for the commodores

To get back together.

Curtis, would you put this

Down?

That's my thumb, that's my

Thumb.

I don't care. Close this up.

Jazi, that is not what I meant,

And you know it.

Now, listen.

Yes, prayer changes things, but

God just...

Doesn't just go around giving

You whatever you want.

Especially if you're not

Putting any work towards it.

Yes, baby. You got to do your

Part.

You got to do your part.

You can't just buy the

Lottery ticket.

You got to scratch it off, too,

Baby.

Damn. Ain't no good.

Jazmine, faith without works

Is dead, period.

I bought the ticket: that's

Faith.

I'm scratching the ticket:

That's works.

Damn. That's dead.

Jazmine, listen, baby.

You have to pray as if it's all

Up to god, and then work as if

It's all up to you.

Pray and work.

Ok, so, now I know that you

Have to work as hard as you

Pray.

Right?

Yes, baby.

Ok.

You knew that.

Wait, auntie ella, you work

And you pray, don't you?

Yes, baby, yes.

Then how did you end up with

Uncle curtis?

[c.J. Chuckles]

Well, like I said, god just

Not--he--you don't always get

What you want when you pray.

Damn.

Going right through 'em.

One of these better hit.

See?

Wait, auntie ella.

Could you imagine what it would

Be like when I do both?

Oh, man, I'm gonna be

Unstoppable!

Excuse me.

Stop! Hold it right there.

While you got your little

Pipeline to god, we gonna make

This happen.

Only got 2 tickets left.

We gonna pray.

So if I...

Pray!

[soft music plays]

Baby, what is all of this?

This is called phase one:

Setting the mood.

Heh heh!

Ohh, thank you.

How'd you sleep?

Ohh, I am so relaxed.

I really needed that sleep.

I knew you would appreciate

Getting some rest.

Ohh. Where's the baby?

Asleep.

I cooked. I cleaned.

I put the baby to sleep.

I did the laundry.

I set all this up.

Now I understand why you're

Always so tired.

I do not believe you put all

Of this together.

And took care of the baby?

Oh.

I have the world's greatest

Husband.

And I have the world's

Greatest wife.

Mmm.

[calvin jr. Crying]

It's ok. Just wait here.

I'll get him back to sleep, and

I'll be right back.

Well, don't take too long.

I won't.

Just...

[calvin jr. Stops crying]

Ooh!

He's asleep, calvin...

And you are, too.