Original subtitles

Almost made it!

Almost made it without one of them fools

jumping in the casket!

Oh, daddy!

Daddy, why you didn't leave us nothing!

Oh, daddy.

Well, since you didn't leave us nothing, I'm going with you!

Daddy!

Move over!

Take me with you!

Daddy got to go because that's the only way daddy

could get some peace and quiet!

Oh, I'm going with you, daddy!

I'm coming, too, daddy!

I'm coming with you, daddy!

Oh!

Daddy, are you there?

Are you there? - All right.

All right. Uh, uh.

Uh, uh.

If you two don't get off my couch--

I think daddy got smashed.

Oh, can you believe they had the nerve

to sing, "Going Up Yonder"?

Please, I've been knowing Henry ever since he was a wild cadet,

running around crazy.

Trust me, he's going down yonder.

Curtis!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Stop disrespecting the deceased.

OK, baby.

Henry was a kind and gentle soul.

He was the salt of the Earth.

Never be another like him.

Thank God.

There it is.

It's a shame.

He was only 42 years old.

Yeah.

Well, I kept telling them, either the whiskey

was going to take him out or them doggone

strip clubs we used to go.

Curtis?

Curtis, you need to be ashamed of yourself, really.

Ashamed?

Why?

Henry was a nice man with a very nice family.

And I'm sure that is why they put him in the very

nice, purple velvet.

[coughing]

You got to stop!

You going to make me choke!

Did you see that thing?

What was that?

I wasn't going to say nothing.

Had that man looking like a chocolate Willy Wonka!

See, that's exactly why C.J. and I got our will together

as soon as the twins were born.

Oh, you two got a will?

Yes.

What am I getting?

You get everything.

What?

Go on.

I'm talking to my nephew. Go on.

Curtis?

Go on.

So you said everything.

You mean like the deluxe, super chair that you bought?

Yeah.

And the man cave furniture?

All the new stuff you just got?

All yours, in the untimely event that you outlive us,

Calvin and Miranda, my parents, my second cousin,

the lady that does my nails.

But you do get sole custody of our kids.

That's right.

Bump that.

I don't want the damn kids.

Do I get the chair?

Curtis!

- Do I get the chair? - Right.

The chair.

Curtis Payne!

What?

Baby, listen, we need to make plans to do our will.

And I think it would just be a good idea if we just

start doing some research now.

You see what you did?

Yes, baby?

Look, baby, research for what?

We don't need no will.

We don't need a will.

We ain't giving nobody nothing.

That's not right, Curtis.

You need to make plans for your family, baby,

and leave us with some type of legacy of your life.

That's right.

You don't want anybody jumping in your casket

when we're at the funeral.

Not going to happen because I'm getting cremated.

Why?

Do you really want to know why?

[IN UNISON] Why?

Yeah.

I like that better, when you all said, why?

Because I want all of my loving family and all of my friends

that I've ever had in life to kiss my ashes!

Woo!

[theme music]

Curtis, I am serious, OK?

What am I going to do if you're not here?

Become a nun.

Don't give nobody none, don't think none.

What if-- what if something tragic happens?

Would you want a DNR?

That's it.

No, I don't want a DNR.

I tell you what I do want, though, baby--

could you give me a DVR?

Yeah.

That way, I could record the game

and turn it back on when you stop yapping.

Because right now, I'm like--

I missed it and it's like done.

And I'm like-- I'm not going to see the end.

I got to go get the score from somebody else

because I ain't got a DVR.

See, Curtis!

See, Curtis, I knew--

I knew this.

I'm going to go move it to the kitchen.

See, Curtis, I--

[groaning]

I knew you were not going to take this seriously, baby.

So here's what I decided for us.

Come on, sit down.

I'm going to see from here.

Fine, baby.

OK.

We are going to have matching, mahogany, silk-lined caskets.

Baby, you know silk makes my skin itch.

You know that.

Adjoining plots.

I need my own space.

And marble tombstones.

Baby, granite is cheaper.

Granite is cheaper than marble.

And, Curtis, we should have a family mausoleum.

Mausoleums?

Yes.

I was understanding we were Christians.

Curtis!

Look, baby, I'm not being silly, OK?

Come on!

Throw me in the oven!

Turn it on high.

Burn, baby, burn!

And then spread my ashes in front of the fire house, OK?

You know what I'm going to do with you?

Coffee can.

I'm going to sit you on the stove,

next to the bacon grease.

Curtis!

Might even blow it a little bit,

just to get you all in the air a little bit.

Curtis, I want a week and a proper burial with all

of my family and friends there.

And all of our earthly possessions,

which God has given us, are going to the church.

What?

Going to the church.

Oh, hell no.

What do you mean?

Maybe I need to make my list.

Huh?

Maybe I need to do that.

Make your own list, Curtis.

I will.

Can I do it?

You all over my shoulder, I can't

even look at the screen good.

I, Curtis Payne, leave you, Ella Payne, nothing.

Send.

Who did you send it to?

The great cremator in the sky-- that's who.

You hungry, man?

Daddy's hungry.

Whoa!

Oh, there are my two men.

How was your walk?

Miranda, I thought you would be scrubbing

the floor with a toothbrush.

No.

I don't care if this place is a mess.

If my mom sees a germ and freaks out, I'm OK with it.

I see you're not overdoing it.

You know what?

I realize that my mother likes things done a certain way,

but if she doesn't like this, so what?

My house, my rules.

You mean, our house, our--

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Our house, my rules.

I'm scared of you.

Mm, hm.

Oh, look.

Your mom just pulled up. - What?

What? What?

What? My mom is here?

OK. Wait, wait, wait.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Why didn't I clean up this place?

I don't know what I'm going to do!

I don't have enough time to-- to-- to clean!

Miranda, you're an amazing mother and a great wife.

We think you're perfect, don't we?

Yes, we do.

Yeah.

You'll be fine.

OK.

It is what it is.

[knocking]

Who is that?

Who do you think that is?

That's your mean, little grandma.

Christian, look who it is!

There's my grand baby!

Hi!

Yes, I got a smile!

Yes!

You look exactly like Miranda--

thank you, Jesus.

Oh, yeah!

Hello, Mrs. Lucas.

Calvin.

Now why does your daddy care you like a football?

Yes, he does.

Yes, he does.

He likes the way I carry him.

Honey, you need to cradle the baby.

He needs to feel the warmth of your body

and the rhythm of your heart.

Yes.

Too bad you don't have one.

Go get my bags.

Point proven.

Mrs. Lucas, come in.

Sorry the place is so--

clean.

Hello, mother.

Hello!

Hey, baby.

Come!

Sit, sit!

Yes, indeed.

Look at this precious boy!

Oh, the two of you look so adorable.

Hey, hello!

It's your grandma!

Oh, no, no.

Honey, I'm too young to be called grandma.

Just call me Mrs. Lucas.

This is going to be a long trip.

[baby crying]

Um-- how do you--

Get the bags.

Yes.

Mrs. Lucas.

Yes, Mrs. Lucas, I love you!

Yes, Mrs. Lucas!

- Hey. - Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

This is all so sad--

wills and death.

I can't believe we're here, doing this.

I know, right?

Especially since I know Miss Ella would really

want me to have her good China.

No.

She would really want me to have this TV, right here, too.

What?

Back up, C.J. That's my TV.

No, I-- I call the TV.

- No, I'm getting it. - I call dibs on the TV.

Stop fussing about the TV. Get something else.

- Unplug it. - You can't get the TV.

Hey!

I said I wanted it.

That--

- What are you all doing? - Nothing.

No. Uh--

I'm dusting.

Uh-- put this plug in the back.

Please, hush.

Please, sit down.

OK.

We have invited you all here because we want you to be

a part of our estate planning.

Mom, why do we even have to talk about this?

Calvin, please.

Now this is difficult enough for us, baby,

but it is something that we must do.

All right.

You know what you must do?

Sorry.

Here you go.

There you go.

What the hell-- what is that?

It's your thingy from over there.

I'm dusting it for you.

- My thingy? - Yeah.

- From over there? - Yeah.

Can you dust it back from where you got it?

Sure.

I just hate talking about something so morbid,

especially since you and pops have so many years

left ahead of you.

Yes.

Many, many more years ahead of you.

Stop, please.

Come on, Curtis.

Come on, baby, you go first, please.

Yeah.

I bet you'd really like that, wouldn't you?

We're gathered here today to celebrate

the extraordinary life of a great man, a humanitarian,

one loved by everybody.

Electric word-- life.

It means forever.

Which is a mighty long time.

- Amen. - Yeah.

Can you put that--

I'm-- I'm going to put this back.

Yes.

And get your [inaudible].

ELLA PAYNE: Curtis?

Aren't you supposed to be with the family?

Get with the family! - OK.

I'm going.

Where was I?

Curtis, please.

You wrote your own eulogy?

Just read the will, Curtis.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, a giant in a world

of small people.

Blah, blah, blah, helped the less fortunate.

OK.

I, Curtis Payne, being of outstanding mind

and amazing body, leave my most prized

model train set to Floyd Ulysses Jenkins

Jackson, my best friend.

Ella gets everything, unless she's dead.

Then it goes to the Fireman's Auxiliary Fund, the end.

A Genesis.

- Huh? - Genesis?

- Genesis? - Genesis?

It's the last book.

It's the first book.

The last one I read.

You're leaving everything to the firefighters?

Yeah.

Firefighter till I die!

[barking]

Pops, how come you're not going

to leave me your train set?

Not only that, I'm your only son and you

didn't leave me anything.

Technically, you're not even supposed to hear any of this

until I'm dead.

So, um-- uh-- what's up with the insurance policy?

Yeah.

For the kids.

You all need to be ashamed of yourselves.

C.J. PAYNE: Really?

You are not taking this seriously at all.

Yes, we are.

I got a special spot picked out for my train set.

What do you mean, your train set?

I'm not even in the ground yet.

You want a train, you want a life policy,

and you want my China.

I know you do.

I saw you.

She was over there, looking at the--

Be quiet!

I am worried about what I am going

to do if I lose the most important person to me

in my life.

The point of all of this was so that this craziness

would not happen.

I never thought I'd see the day that my family would

be here with this foolishness.

This is a mess.

Move!

I'm-- Miss Ella, I'm sorry.

- I was playing about the TV. - It's just so pretty.

I've been looking at it-- - Shut up.

Shut up.

And you know you're not getting the China now.

Hey, mom. OK.

I'm trying to get the list together

of everything you need.

The list for what?

It's OK, baby.

Here you go.

Well, Christian likes things a certain way.

And you know, I just want to make sure that--

Honey, I don't need a list.

I didn't raise you with a list.

You remember, you graduated from middle school with honors?

Yes, but, mom--

But nothing.

No less.

I got you to and from years of dance recital without,

you know, your father, when he was working all hours.

- Yes, mom. - Uh, huh.

And also, I got you a date for the prom.

You know, when you were in your chubby phase.

Mom, that was my first cousin.

Yeah.

And I didn't need a list.

Mm, hm.

I'm just trying to make sure you have everything

you're going to need.

Oh, you know what?

There is one thing.

What pot should I use to warm the bottles on the stove?

Mom, no one uses pots anymore.

Oh, honey, how do you warm the baby's milk?

In the bottle warmer, just like

we use the toaster for toast.

Where do you keep the cloth diapers?

We use disposable.

Good Lord.

How do you dry the baby after a bath?

Huh?

Hang him out the window?

Let him air dry?

Wee!

No.

I just want to make sure that you have everything

that you're going to need.

Yes, honey.

I do.

Go, go, go, go.

Come here, pumpkin.

Bye, mommy's baby.

Bye.

OK.

And also, just so you know, 9-1-1

is number one on speed dial.

All you do is dial the 1, the pound,

and then the green button, OK?

Great, honey.

Three buttons?

I mean, you can never be too safe.

Oh!

Where are the pacifiers?

Oh, no, no, no.

We're not using them because experts today

say that they cause delayed speech, dental problems,

and ear infections.

Hm.

OK. Go.

I'll be fine.

Just quickly.

"Parents Weekly." "Parents Weekly."

Just go. Go!

Go!

I love you.

I'll be fine.

Say, bye bye!

Say, bye, mama!

Yes!

OK.

I have got you what you need.

Mrs. Lucas has got something for you.

Oh!

[baby cooing]

I know what you need.

Oh, yeah.

Come on, baby, what did you call me out here for?

I, Curtis Payne, being of sound mind,

do hereby present to you, Ella Payne, this envelope.

What is this?

What-- what is this?

It's a paternity test, baby.

Turns out, I don't even have to put Calvin in the will.

He not mine.

Yeah!

Curtis, I am so not in the mood for your games.

Why is this a joke for you?

Baby, it's not a joke. Ella!

OK. Come on, baby.

I'm not joking. - Curtis.

Sit down for me.

Sit down for me.

Come on.

OK.

Now all this talk about caskets and death-- come on, now!

Come on!

You know me.

You know I can't do all that, baby.

I can't do it.

OK.

I don't even want to think about life without you, OK?

I'm sorry.

I understand that, baby, but death is a part of life.

It's all a part of life.

That's why I finished the plans, like you asked me to.

Curtis, no you didn't.

Baby, what-- oh!

Thank you, Curtis.

I know this wasn't easy, baby.

Doing a will is not anything anybody wants to think about.

You're right about that.

And I'll take that.

Because the only thing I want to think

about is being with my baby.

Oh, yeah!

[baby crying]

Oh, God!

What do you want Mrs. Lucas to do!

Shh!

Shh!

Mom!

What is going on?

Well, Calvin, obviously, made this boy colicky.

Then he broke out in something.

What are you--

Uh--

Oh, be careful! Hold his head!

Hold his head! Be careful!

You got him? Oh, Lord.

Lord. Oh, god.

Let me see. Baby, are you OK?

What-- where did this outfit come from?

Baby, he-- Bougie Baby Boutique.

Did you wash it first?

Well, I Baby Baby Bougie Boutique.

You have to wash all the outfits before he wears them.

You don't know what kind of chemicals

that are on these cotton fabrics that cause skin irritation.

What?

"Parenting Weekly."

How am I supposed to know that?

Well, it was number five on my list.

It's going to be OK, OK?

Daddy's got you.

He's good with him.

He's really good with him.

You would have been, too, had you listened to me.

Well, honey, this is your first child, you know?

I thought-- I thought I was just helping, you know?

And I want you to be the best mother in the world.

It's something I could not do, you know?

You--

Mom.

Look, I-- ugh.

Mom, listen, you have to let me

be the best mother on my own.

We have to get to know each other, Christian and I,

together.

And make mistakes together.

Oh, honey, I didn't know you felt that way.

And maybe I should just go, you know?

I'm just making problems.

No, mom.

You know I didn't mean it that way.

And when I need your help--

and I know I will--

I'm going to ask you.

Well, it looks like you won't be calling me anytime soon.

I think you're doing an excellent job.

- Really? - Yeah.

Oh!

Oh, you're a wonderful wife and a wonderful mother.

And Christian and Calvin are so lucky to have you.

Yeah. OK.

So now I'm going to try and see if I can get rid of that rash.

- Oh, wait, wait, wait. - What?

What?

What?

How about we do it together?

OK.

And I would like us to refer to number 17--

Oh, Lord.

Not again.

I, Curtis Payne, being of sound mind--

Baby.

And of sound body, so say, dearly beloved,

we're gathered here today to celebrate

this thing called life.

Curtis, I'm trying to study, baby.

Please. No, no.

I want to leave, to this girl named Nikki,

who I met in the hotel lobby--

she was wearing a raspberry beret.

I never meant to cause you any sorrow.

I never meant to cause you any pain.

I only want to hear you laughing.

[fake laughter]

That was so fake.

Well, get off me, baby.

Come on, Curtis!

Hey!

Hey, baby.

[WHISPERING] I would die for you.

Thank you.

I don't know why.

Really?

If you want me to--