Original subtitles

[door opens]

Whew.

Hey, so how was it?

Same old story. You know.

People got shot. Cops showed up.

I still don't know why that man

Was in his underwear.

What movie did you see?

I didn't go to the movies.

I stopped at the mall to get my

Phone fixed.

Hey, baby.

Hey, baby.

I'm glad you're home.

Aww.

Here. I washed it.

You fold it.

Since when did I start

Folding clothes?

Since we decided to make

Our marriage work.

Well, did you decide that you

Was going to change the oil in

The car?

Dad, I don't mean to be mean,

But you don't even change

The oil in the car, so...

Weren't you supposed to be

Going away?

Speaking of going away, I

Need this to do that, ok?

I have to set the table for

Dinner.

You can do your homework

Somewhere else.

No, no, this isn't homework.

I'm making a list of things that

I need for college.

Oh, don't say that word

Around this woman, please.

You know how she gets.

My firstborn is going--do you

See this?

This is my college baby right

Here.

My babies are all gonna be

Grown up.

Soon, it's gonna be jazi--

You're choking the boy.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Soon it's gonna be jazi and

Then my twins.

My twins. Oh, my god.

My twins are gonna leave me,

Too.

I'm gonna go check on them, too.

Oh!

Ha ha ha!

Man, I'm so proud of you.

All that we've been through with

The family.

You stayed smart, you stayed in

The books, you went away to

Military school.

Then, you came back.

Now you're getting ready to go

Off and go to college, boy.

You something else.

Let me see.

Let me see that list.

Oh, ok, but it's still

A work in progress.

That's all right.

Let me look at it.

Notebooks, pens, aftershave?

Yep. For my 5:00 shadow.

Boy, your 5:00 shadow ain't

Get past noon.

[chuckles]

Lava lamp.

Slow jam playlist.

Ah!

Ah!

There you go.

Passion-fruit incense.

Yep. Well, you know the dorm

Rooms can get a little funky.

Just got to keep it fresh.

Baby oil?

You know, it smoothes out

My skin.

Ha ha ha!

Breath freshener.

Self-explanatory.

Yep. Yep.

Well, you got this list, man.

If you gonna have all this, you

Missing one thing.

You gonna need this.

Bam!

Condoms?

[siren wails]

[tires screech]

Are you using condoms?

Condominiums!

Um, I know that's what you meant

To write down, and I know we've

Been talking about, you know, me

Living off campus, so I'll just

Go over here and finish writing

That down for you.

Uh, condominiums. Yeah.

Now, son, we talked about

This already.

Do we need to talk about this

Again?

Uh, uh, you remember the time

When I walked in on you and mom

And she was like, "Aah!" and you

Was like, "Oh, yeah," and I was

Like, "Ew! Nasty!"?

I see what you're saying.

You know, that's how I feel

Right now.

"Ew! Nasty!"

Ok, let me try to put it to

You a little nother way for you

Here.

If this was baseball, would you

Be on first base or would you be

Sliding into home?

[both laugh]

I'm gonna act like I don't

Know what you're talking about.

Come on now, ok, ok.

I feel you, son.

Let me give it to you another

Way.

Is your bat in the dugout, or

Are you swinging for the fences?

Dad, you just took this to a

Whole nother level.

Yeah.

Ha ha!

And I'm gonna keep acting like

I don't know what you're

Talking about, so--

Boy, are you having sex?

Huh?

You know what?

Don't even answer that.

No, you know what?

Go ahead.

No, I don't even want to know.

No, you know what?

Just go ahead.

Go ahead and tell me.

Tell you what?

Uh, dad, please, just keep

This between me and you.

You know, I think it's about

Time that I got malik some con--

Diments! Condiments!

Um, you know, uh, I wanted some

Ketchup and mustard for my dorm

Room, so...

Can I get it?

I' ma go get it.

Ok.

Scratch that off your little

List.

Calm down.

Ok.

Ok?

Here.

In your little box, which I

Asked you to move earlier.

Sorry. Thanks, mom.

Ok. You're welcome.

What else do you need?

Well, I think that he should

Get some con--

Concert tickets!

Uh, uh, cousin calvin said he

Was gonna get me some concert

Tickets, and I-- oh, look at the

Time.

You know, I better go meet him

So he can give me the tickets.

All right.

Well, come back before

Dinner.

Yeah, make sure you get here,

Because we're gonna have chili

Con--

Conversation!

That's what he meant to say.

He was gonna say "Conversation."

Ha ha ha!

Ok, curtis, so, I guess you

Don't want me to make the little

Sandwiches that I made for the

Book club, then, huh?

Gonna be little sandwiches,

Baby?

You gonna make the little ones?

The ones you make with the

Spiced ham spread on them?

Yes.

You gonna cut the crust like

You always do?

Yes.

Hell, no.

Baby, we don't want no finger

Food, ok?

We need some hand food.

The kind that you can hand us

From the other room.

Hey!

Thank you. Excuse us, baby.

We're trying to make this a

Estrogen-free environment.

Thank you.

Ok, you can have your little

Estrogen-free environment,

Curtis.

You keep talking smart, you're

Gonna have a food-free

Environment.

And keep your hands to yourself.

Keep your hands to yourself.

Keep your hands to yourself.

Hey, uncle curtis.

Put your hands on it.

Mmm, mmm.

Where the food?

Well, I just had to get out

The house, but my dad's coming

With the wings later.

Ok, well, then, your dad can

Come and you can leave.

Come sit down.

Gonna talk to you real quick.

Ok.

Just remember that...

College man.

About to go to college.

Yeah.

Ha ha ha!

You know, your uncle went to

College.

Huh.

You know what I majored in?

No.

Ta-da-da-dup.

My whole curriculum was

Ta-da-da-dup!

And you know what you need when

You gonna ta-da-da-dup?

Condoms!

Aah! Condoms.

Come on, please, please.

My dad already talked to me

About that.

Your dad talked to you about

What?

What's your dad gonna tell you

That--I taught your dad

Everything he knows.

You got the grand poobah of the

Payne men right here in front

Of you.

Huh?

You know, I think I feel more

Comfortable talking about this

With cousin calvin, so...

What the hell you gonna talk

To calvin about?

Calvin got two babies and two

Baby mamas.

He don't even know what aisle

The condoms is on.

Now, look, I'm telling you.

Listen to your uncle, boy, ok?

Get you some condoms, man.

You never know what gonna

Happen.

You won't be caught in no

Situation.

You might be ta-da-da-dup and

You're thinking would you wear

Them?

Get you some condoms.

Uh, con-- conferences!

Uh, eastern and western

Conferences.

Oh, man. Tough competition.

Malik, so, you here for the

Big game, too, huh?

Please. Malik ain't come to

Watch no game.

Malik's gonna play the game.

Ha ha! Malik.

He gonna be in the big leagues,

Like his uncle curtis was

Back in the diz-ay.

Ha! Malik, you do not want to

Be like your uncle back in the

Diz-ay, because I remember you

Striking out every time you came

Up to bat.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha!

Hey, I got proof.

Calvin. Hit it one time, boy.

Ha ha ha!

Oh, ok. I'm gonna just go

Play in the streets.

All right, you gonna play

In the street.

Ha ha.

Don't forget them condoms when

You in the street, boy.

Hey, 'lik. Hey, 'lik.

Listen to your uncle, now.

Get them condoms, boy!

[knocking on door]

Ah. There he is. College boy.

What's up?

What's up, cuz?

You will not believe the day

That I'm having.

First, dad, then uncle curtis--

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You're going to college.

I got something for you.

Stay right there.

What--really? This again?

I hope these fit.

Wait, aren't they all just

One size fits all?

Oh, no, no. You got to make

Sure you get the right size,

Because if you get the wrong

Size, then you'll get blisters.

Ew! Blisters?!

I present to you

My college shoe collection.

Ohh!

What? Shoes?

Ok.

Freshman year. Hold those.

Sophomore year.

Junior year. I like these.

Yeah.

Junior year.

Ok.

Junior year.

Whoa. Thanks for the shoes,

Cousin calvin.

I'm just glad you weren't

Talking about the other thing.

What other thing?

Oh, uh, nothing.

Oh, one more thing.

Malik, this comes with a lot of

Responsibility, ok?

Here we go.

Now, there's a lot of cold

Nights, right?

But you need this to protect

Yourself from catching stuff,

Because I caught something like

5 times a semester.

Oh, my gosh. What?

My electric blanket will

Keep you from getting sick.

Oh, an electric blanket.

Well, thank you, cousin calvin.

You know, I'm just glad you

Weren't talking about the other

Thing.

What other thing?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

You know, my dad's been

Tripping.

Uncle curtis has been tripping.

I'm just glad you not tripping.

Whoa, look, malik.

Have you thought about getting

Yourself some condoms?

Really? You, too?

No, I'm serious.

It's college.

You got to get yourself

Some con--

Con-tracts.

Contracts? Contracts what?

Contracts? Uh, contracts.

It's college.

Everybody needs one to protect

Themselves.

Contracts. I'll get you

Those contracts later.

No, thank you.

You keep you faulty contracts.

Contracts.

Huh. All right.

Oh, gosh.

Hey, young blood.

Look at you.

Wow!

Young man now.

Growing a little hair and

Everything.

Wow. You going off to college.

That's the word on the street.

See, I've been talking to your

Uncle.

He been telling me about you.

About to go off to college.

He be trying to have that little

Talk with you.

But I'm gonna have my talk with

You, son.

Yeah. Now, see, when you go off

To college, you got to learn how

To play the game.

Pssht! What?

I thought I invented the game

Back in the day, until my uncle

Sat me down and had "The talk"

With me.

Yeah, when I was a young player

About to go and leave home.

Oh, "The talk." oh.

Here we go again.

Son, when you get in there,

You got to get into that

Batter's box and you got to dig

In with your heels real good.

Choke up on your bat.

You understand?

And you got to swing.

Can't be scared.

They might throw you a curve,

But, son, you got--you got to be

Ready for it.

You understand?

You know now, right?

No.

No? You don't get it? Ok.

Well, look, don't worry about

Striking out, because it happens

To the best of us, even me.

Can you believe it?

But it will happen.

But what you got to do, you got

To get in there, you got to

Continue to swing.

Continue to swing until you hit

It, and when you hit it, you got

To hit it hard every time!

You understand now, right?

No, no. Amuse me.

Ok. Well, look, you seem to

Be a little conservative and

Everything, so this is what you

Got to do.

You got to learn how to play the

Field.

Hell, play the whole ballpark,

Son.

I mean, play all out in the

Street.

And look, you've got to play in

A neighborhood that you never

Been in before, because if you

Get over there and you hit a

Home run, hell, you'll be a

Legend.

I'm telling you, dawg!

I know you know what I'm talking

About now.

Uh, this is a little bit

Disturbing, and I still don't

Know what you're talking about,

So...

So, this is what happens in

Public school.

Hmm.

Look, son, if the other player

Is better than you, learn from

Them.

Just soak it all in, so the next

Time that you get up to bat...

You'll go ahead and you'll hit

That thing out the park.

Pow!

Boo-yah!

You understand what I'm saying?

You still don't get it.

Son, my trade secret is to use a

Little pine tar.

You know? Boo-yah!

Uh, pine tar.

What-- what-- what does that

Have to do with anything right

Now?

You're talking about playing

Baseball in college, right?

No, I thought--that's exactly

What I'm talking about, so

Thank you, mr. Floyd.

[both laugh]

Oh. All right.

I'm sorry, miss ella.

The washer just gave out again.

Oh, please. No problem.

Curtis gives out all the time.

I'm gonna tell.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You only have this one load,

Right?

For now.

Oh.

Love you.

Yeah. What about the washing

Detergent?

You got that?

I'm gonna borrow some of

That.

Make no sense.

The game will be there.

No, no--

Everything you asked for is

In the bag, ok?

Curtis.

Everything you had on the

List in the bag.

Check it for yourself, ella.

I think I missed the kickoff.

Let me tell you something.

If I miss this kickoff, I'm

Gonna kick your--

What? Hmm?

I was gonna ask where calvin

Was.

Yes. I know you did not get

Everything.

Hey, no women allowed.

You heard?

No problem.

Potato chips. Ha!

Ok. Condoms.

Really?

Condoms.

Ha! Really?

Extra-sensitive condoms?

Oh, you still have a few

Minutes left on your load, so

I'll just sort out here, ok?

Ok.

I don't know if I can do

This.

I don't know.

The twins are getting so big so

Fast and jazi, and now with

Malik on his way off to c--

I just can't say the "C" word.

Don't say any "C" words.

Don't say any words beginning

With a "C."

I think about it and I get

All emotional, you know?

It's just--what the hell?

Hi, miss ella, janine.

Where's calvin?

Huh. Hey, baby.

Hey. Listen, I am so mad

At him.

I found some condoms in his

Stuff.

Big box.

Imagine that.

I just found a box of condoms in

C.J.'s pants.

Curtis just purchased some

Condoms from the grocery store.

What he need with some condoms?

What his old black ass--

Miss ella!

His ass is old.

Huh.

Huh! Curtis! C.J.!

What he got--about

$150 million?

He killing it.

He'd better play for a while.

He gonna need it for every

Child.

Whoa!

Yay!

That's what I'm talking about

Right there.

That's what I'm talking

About!

Ha ha ha!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What?

What the hell are you doing?!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Baby, what are you doing?

Curtis, why do you have these

In your bag?

Why were these in that grocery

Bag?

Oh.

Condoms. Why?

You better put them back,

Because whoever they belong to

Might be looking for them.

Someone like who, floyd?

Calvin, and why do you have

Condoms, huh?

We don't even use them, so who

Are you using them with, huh?

Baby.

These better be some really

Fancy water balloons.

Oh, this is all just a big

Misunderstanding.

Let me tell you something.

You better not be using these.

I mean, if you're stepping out,

You better be using them, but

You better not be using them.

I'm not using condoms.

That's not very safe.

Ok, so, something is wrong

With all the payne men.

Is that it?

How could you? So these--

All these condoms don't belong

To anybody?

[all talking at once]

Baby, ain't nobody having

Sex!

You got that right.

[all talking at once]

Look, you guys are blowing

This thing way out of

Proportion.

You always talking about

You gonna ta-da-da-dup.

If these are your condoms, I'm

Gonna ta your da dup.

Who do these belong to?

Hey, everybody, how's the

Game?

He said he gonna

Ta-da-da-dup.

Going to school.

So...

You got everything you need now?

For what?

To complete your list.

My list was already complete.

It was you guys that kept trying

To pressure me into having sex,

And I mean--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Nobody was trying to pressure

You into having sex.

It's just that, you know, young

People leave the nest.

They have sex. You know?

You're gonna go out there on

Your own.

One second.

[thump]

Aah!

It's just a part of life

That you have to prepare

Yourself for, you know?

We're not trying to pressure

You.

Then why were you giving me

The condoms?

I mean, everybody was trying to

Give me condoms.

You know what?

Let me just tell you.

In my life, first time I left

Home, I was about your age.

Off to college for the first

Time.

And me and 4 other guys had a

Crush on the same girl on

Campus.

Everybody wanted to get with

This girl.

She was bad, right?

So--and I wanted her just as

Much as everybody else did, you

Know?

But I thought about it, and I

Said, "You know, this isn't

Really the proper decision."

I found out that the girl was

Easy to get with.

So while my boys were running

Around, bragging about how they

Had unprotected sex with this

Girl, I was like, "Whoa. This

Ain't really my thing."

That takes courage, son.

It takes courage to be an

Individual.

That's why we pray, you

Understand?

That's why we have faith,

Because sometimes you got to

Have the strength to step away

From the crowd and just be your

Own man.

And you know what happened?

All 4 of my friends, they died.

This girl wound up having

A.I.D.S.

Now, tell me god wasn't looking

Out for your old man.

He was. I mean, I hope he's

Watching me, too, like, when I

Go off to college, so--

He is.

But you got to know that.

You understand?

Yes, sir.

Nobody's trying to pressure

You to do anything.

We're gonna worry about you.

We're gonna worry that every

Lesson that we gave you, you

Still have, and you're still

Out there making decisions based

On the foundation that you got

Throughout the rest of your

Life.

Even after college, when you're

A grown man with a career and a

Family of your own, you're still

Making decisions based on the

Lessons that you got here

And in our house.

You understand?

Yes, sir.

Ok. Sex is not just physical.

It's emotional.

You can still catch stds even

Though you have a condom.

So you want to find somebody

That's emotionally stable, you

Know, somebody that's ready to

Deal with life.

I'm hoping that you'll wait

Until you're married, you know?

That's the real thing to do.

Do it, you know, like me and

Your mom did.

But is that what you really

Did?

Uh, yeah. So we good?

Ok.

Ha ha ha ha.

C.J. Baby, did you talk to

Him about chlamydia?

Good night, janine.

Ok, well, just before we go

To bed, I need to make sure that

We get a chart together.

If we get a chart and some

Pictures together, then he can

See it and never want to

Experience it.

You know what I mean?

Good night, janine.

Pictures really, really

Helped me when I was in

High school.

I remember they showed us this

Once picture.

It was just bad. Ew.

So when we talk to him, we have

To have this ready.

Are you listening to me?

Good night, janine.

You're not listening to me,

Are you?

No.

Listen. There's gonorrhea,

There's chlamydia, there's

Syphilis.

Those are the 3 main ones we

Have to look out for.

[fake snoring]

So I've already--that's not

Funny, c.J.

C.J.?