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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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Aw, Dan.
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You have an eyelash. Make a wish.
3
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Kill me.
4
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Is it me or does Dan seem
grumpier than usual?
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You should've heard what he said
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when we saw a shooting star.
7
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Ohh!
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I can't carry that darkness.
I have children.
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He's just upset about his memoirs.
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It's been rejected
by every publisher in town.
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Yeah. His agent is
so tired of giving him bad news.
12
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- I heard he's gonna quit.
- Who's his agent?
13
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Me.
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Oh. Sorry.
15
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Oh, I got to take this.
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Give me good news, Bobby.
17
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You thought Dan's book was incredible?
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...ly bad.
19
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Don't worry.
It's... It's not about you.
20
00:00:54,689 --> 00:00:57,124
Right. Someone else's misery
will cheer Dan up.
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Any chance the next case
is someone attacked
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by their own chimp?
23
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No, but it's a good one...
the people versus Llewelyn Sims.
24
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Mr. Sims is charged
with public indecency.
25
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He was reading a pornographic
novel on the subway.
26
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Come on, man.
27
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It's not the Staten Island ferry.
28
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But reading pornography isn't a crime.
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It is when you do it out loud.
30
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This is what people want to read,
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pool boys and housewives
slapping together?
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You know, I could put that in my book.
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Is the counselor interested
in maybe doing some defending?
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Fine.
35
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My client is not
a run-of-the-mill perv.
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He was reading this smut to a friend
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who has a visual impairment.
38
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And it is with the deepest regret
39
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that the defense calls Sy Hoffman.
40
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That's right!
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Applause, applause, applause.
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I'm back, Your Honor!
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- I'm over here, Mr. Hoffman.
- Who said that?
44
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I'm sorry. I just had my eyes dilated.
45
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I'm at risk for glaucoma,
which inspired my new musical,
46
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"Glaucoma!"... exclamation point.
47
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♪ Glaucoma ♪
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♪ When the pressure's
right behind your eyes ♪
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And the defendant was reading
you pornography because...
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Because I'm always on the
lookout for a new story to tell.
51
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Ah. Yes.
52
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A lot of great musicals
were based on porn.
53
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You know, "Grease"
was originally titled "Lube."
54
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- Is that true?
- No.
55
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Who said that?
56
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Dan, I've been looking
everywhere for you.
57
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Yeah. Well, keep looking.
58
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I think I'm in the
bathroom on the fifth floor.
59
00:02:43,798 --> 00:02:47,101
So, you know how no one
saw value in your life story?
60
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Yes.
61
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But it's nice to be reminded.
62
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I found someone who thinks
audiences will love it.
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Hello.
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00:02:58,478 --> 00:03:00,615
Please tell me the person
interested in my memoirs
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is standing behind
this unethical blowfish.
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00:03:04,919 --> 00:03:06,788
Dan, I love your book.
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00:03:06,821 --> 00:03:08,499
You read it?
I thought your eyes didn't work.
68
00:03:08,523 --> 00:03:11,391
Well, it was a little blurry,
but I got the gist.
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00:03:11,425 --> 00:03:14,896
And I think it'll make
an incredible musical.
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Isn't that great?
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Now your story can be
performed every night.
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You'll get applause, Dan.
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You can't clap
when you're reading a book.
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You'd drop it.
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For music and lyrics,
I got Hudson Ann Martin.
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Wow, Dan! Hudson and Martin!
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I wish I could get Hudson and Martin.
78
00:03:31,278 --> 00:03:35,917
I got Hudson Ann Martin...
middle name Ann.
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He's not as good, but he's
my close personal nephew.
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The only Hudson I'm gonna be
working with is the river,
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when I jump in it
with bricks tied to my feet!
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I tried that, Dan!
Bricks never stay on!
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I've been cursed with buoyancy.
84
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Ugh. I think the coffee
creamer is expired.
85
00:03:59,741 --> 00:04:02,844
Ah. Yeah. Your girls are getting big.
86
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You're not listening to me at all.
87
00:04:06,814 --> 00:04:08,149
Mm-hmm. Sure.
88
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Electric cars. Crazy.
89
00:04:12,220 --> 00:04:14,655
- What's going on?
- We used to date.
90
00:04:14,689 --> 00:04:17,491
What? You and him?
Him and you? Biblically?
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00:04:17,525 --> 00:04:20,962
Nothing we did could be found
in any Bible.
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Sy Hoffman.
93
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That man is a sexual dynamo.
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00:04:27,735 --> 00:04:29,771
Wait. What?
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You see the way he
attacks that sandwich?
96
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He approaches all of his
endeavors with the same gusto.
97
00:04:38,813 --> 00:04:41,048
Did he just swallow the toothpick?
98
00:04:41,082 --> 00:04:43,383
Uh-oh.
99
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I-I can't get involved with him again.
100
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He'll just chew me up and spit me out
101
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like that piece of sandwich foil
102
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that he just fished out of his mouth.
103
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Ugh.
104
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Maybe I can help.
Yeah. It'll be good practice.
105
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My girls are starting to like boys,
106
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so I need to learn
how to ruin a vibe real quick.
107
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Oh. Thank you, Wyatt.
108
00:05:02,136 --> 00:05:04,639
Now he's using his sleeve as a napkin.
109
00:05:04,672 --> 00:05:06,174
Ah!
110
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Okay. This is too hot.
111
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I got to go and cool off
in the morgue.
112
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Yeah, I got your text.
113
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There's no way I'm doing
casual Friday. Okay...
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- What's everybody doing here?
- Don't worry, Dan.
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No one wants to see you in Crocs.
116
00:05:20,387 --> 00:05:23,024
We're here because we think
this musical with Sy
117
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could be just the thing
to get you out of your funk.
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Even me, the cool one.
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This isn't an intervention?
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Well, I-I guess this list
of all the ways you've failed me
121
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can wait.
122
00:05:35,136 --> 00:05:37,905
Okay. Everyone but Julianne
thinks working on this show
123
00:05:37,939 --> 00:05:42,910
could turn that frown
of yours... into a neutral face.
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00:05:43,878 --> 00:05:46,113
You're asking me to trust Sy Hoffman.
125
00:05:46,147 --> 00:05:47,782
The man is a sellout.
126
00:05:47,815 --> 00:05:53,788
Do you know he put five Shreks
in his production of "Hamlet"?
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And that's just "Hamlet."
This is my story.
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This matters!
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I totally hear you.
130
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Which is why you should
ask for full creative control.
131
00:06:02,163 --> 00:06:03,564
Like Lin-Manuel Miranda
132
00:06:03,598 --> 00:06:06,834
or baristas when they
write your name on a cup.
133
00:06:06,868 --> 00:06:08,870
And we'll be with you the whole time.
134
00:06:08,903 --> 00:06:11,038
I know everything
there is to know about Broadway.
135
00:06:11,072 --> 00:06:13,875
Flobert does the choreography
for his barbershop quartet.
136
00:06:13,908 --> 00:06:15,877
It's mostly taking off hats
and leaning.
137
00:06:15,910 --> 00:06:19,479
But that's not my limitation.
It's theirs.
138
00:06:19,513 --> 00:06:23,317
"Full creative control"
has a nice ring to it.
139
00:06:23,351 --> 00:06:25,418
People bring me their ideas,
full of hope,
140
00:06:25,452 --> 00:06:29,389
and I crush them
with a withering glance.
141
00:06:30,490 --> 00:06:33,261
Yeah, that feels good.
142
00:06:33,294 --> 00:06:34,929
I've already spoken to Sy,
143
00:06:34,962 --> 00:06:37,899
and he's on board for Dan
being fully in charge.
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Fine. I'll do it.
145
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Hey. But no comp tickets!
146
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You want to see the show, you pay!
147
00:06:44,071 --> 00:06:46,641
The only catch is we need to
come up with our opening number
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00:06:46,674 --> 00:06:47,975
to show investors in three days.
149
00:06:48,009 --> 00:06:49,710
And now I'll leave
before that sinks in.
150
00:06:49,744 --> 00:06:54,115
Uh, well, Dan, looks like
we better get to work.
151
00:06:54,148 --> 00:06:57,551
So, what is your memoir about?
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You're my agent.
153
00:07:06,267 --> 00:07:08,244
And then... then here's
the big finish, all right?
154
00:07:08,269 --> 00:07:11,332
So then Dan...
Dan picks up the Constitution,
155
00:07:11,365 --> 00:07:12,867
wipes the ash from his face,
156
00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:15,670
and the Constitution says,
"Thank you, Dan.
157
00:07:15,703 --> 00:07:18,339
I could have never done this
without you!"
158
00:07:18,372 --> 00:07:21,208
And then Dan says, "No, Constitution."
159
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"Thank you."
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Ohh!
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What else you got?
162
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Come on, Dan.
You've hated everything...
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00:07:33,187 --> 00:07:36,489
- the costumes, the actors.
- You hated all my ideas.
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00:07:36,524 --> 00:07:38,592
You just kept saying
the show needs more "zazz."
165
00:07:38,626 --> 00:07:41,461
Well, you're crazy
if you think it doesn't.
166
00:07:41,789 --> 00:07:43,597
You made Martin cry.
167
00:07:43,631 --> 00:07:45,765
That's probably why Hudson
hasn't shown up.
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00:07:45,790 --> 00:07:47,735
I'm one person.
169
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Well, you cry enough for two.
170
00:07:53,074 --> 00:07:55,475
You hens done cluckin'?
171
00:07:57,111 --> 00:08:00,681
'Cause this rooster's about
to make the sun come up.
172
00:08:00,715 --> 00:08:04,652
I can tell you what this
show is in one word.
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00:08:04,685 --> 00:08:05,853
Dan.
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00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:11,359
Can you maybe give
us a few more words?
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00:08:11,392 --> 00:08:13,294
For me, the moment that best captures
176
00:08:13,327 --> 00:08:14,762
the Dan vibe we're all loving
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00:08:14,795 --> 00:08:16,530
is the day you won your first case.
178
00:08:16,564 --> 00:08:20,167
Ah, yes. Page 823.
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00:08:20,201 --> 00:08:22,169
I can see it now.
180
00:08:22,203 --> 00:08:24,438
Young Dan comes to town,
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00:08:24,472 --> 00:08:26,807
the big man from the Big Easy.
In the Big Apple
182
00:08:26,841 --> 00:08:31,879
with nothing but a dream and
a bindle full of gator jerky.
183
00:08:31,912 --> 00:08:37,118
♪ I was a boy from the bayou ♪
184
00:08:37,151 --> 00:08:39,487
Now we're talkin' zazz!
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Pro tip...
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00:08:44,058 --> 00:08:46,293
When the cashier sees the soda cup,
187
00:08:46,327 --> 00:08:48,329
she just presses $1.50.
188
00:08:48,362 --> 00:08:51,866
She never asks what's in it.
189
00:08:55,136 --> 00:08:56,505
Why don't you put that down
190
00:08:56,537 --> 00:08:59,106
and we'll have each other for lunch?
191
00:08:59,140 --> 00:09:03,110
Why don't I eat first and then
you and I can be dessert?
192
00:09:04,345 --> 00:09:06,680
- So you remember me.
- Nope.
193
00:09:08,349 --> 00:09:10,684
Julianne. There you are.
194
00:09:10,718 --> 00:09:14,622
I lost track of you after you
locked me in the elevator.
195
00:09:14,655 --> 00:09:16,157
It's no use, Wyatt.
196
00:09:16,190 --> 00:09:19,093
It's only a matter of time
before I'm wearing that man
197
00:09:19,126 --> 00:09:21,629
like a weighted blanket.
198
00:09:22,496 --> 00:09:25,933
Okay. Stop looking at him.
199
00:09:25,966 --> 00:09:27,835
Is this whole thing Dan's book?
200
00:09:27,868 --> 00:09:30,304
I've been carrying it around,
hoping to pass it to someone
201
00:09:30,337 --> 00:09:32,339
- like an ancient curse.
- Ugh!
202
00:09:32,373 --> 00:09:34,543
It's pompous. It's self-indulgent.
203
00:09:34,575 --> 00:09:37,945
It's a turn-off in every possible way.
204
00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:39,113
It...
205
00:09:39,146 --> 00:09:43,050
Oh.This is just
the distraction I need.
206
00:09:43,084 --> 00:09:45,586
Oh, thank you, Wyatt.
207
00:09:51,759 --> 00:09:53,127
I'm glad I caught you.
208
00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:55,896
Caught me doing what?
This is root beer.
209
00:09:55,930 --> 00:09:58,833
Sy, you are going to love
what we came up with.
210
00:09:58,866 --> 00:10:00,301
The Tonys are already knockin'.
211
00:10:00,334 --> 00:10:02,888
To be clear, the Tonys
are two cafeteria workers
212
00:10:02,913 --> 00:10:03,938
who love to sing.
213
00:10:03,971 --> 00:10:06,307
But shows we're getting buzz!
214
00:10:06,340 --> 00:10:08,510
I can't wait to see it.
215
00:10:08,543 --> 00:10:11,645
One thought. Get rid of all of it.
216
00:10:11,679 --> 00:10:13,515
This show isn't about Dan anymore.
217
00:10:13,548 --> 00:10:15,550
- It's about you.
- Me?
218
00:10:15,584 --> 00:10:17,552
Sy, the whole reason
we're doing this thing
219
00:10:17,586 --> 00:10:19,353
is to give Dan a chance
to tell his story.
220
00:10:19,386 --> 00:10:22,223
Well, that was before I found
out that my biggest investor
221
00:10:22,256 --> 00:10:24,024
has a tiny blond granddaughter.
222
00:10:24,058 --> 00:10:27,428
Awful kid.
The voice of a beluga whale.
223
00:10:27,461 --> 00:10:29,663
But she wants to play the lead,
224
00:10:29,697 --> 00:10:33,033
so I said yes
before the end of the sentence.
225
00:10:33,067 --> 00:10:35,069
But she sings like a beluga whale!
226
00:10:35,102 --> 00:10:38,639
Hey! That's our star
you're talking about!
227
00:10:39,508 --> 00:10:40,908
Look. Let me make this plain.
228
00:10:40,941 --> 00:10:44,311
You don't get Dan on board
with this new direction,
229
00:10:44,345 --> 00:10:46,881
this musical goes away.
230
00:10:46,914 --> 00:10:48,682
Ball's in your court.
231
00:10:48,716 --> 00:10:50,851
Ooh! That could be
your opening number.
232
00:10:50,885 --> 00:10:52,119
♪ Ball's in your court ♪
233
00:10:52,153 --> 00:10:53,821
♪ I'm blond, and I'm short ♪
234
00:10:53,854 --> 00:10:57,358
♪ I have a little hammer
that goes bam, bam, bam! ♪
235
00:10:58,425 --> 00:11:00,027
Well, you get it.
236
00:11:02,463 --> 00:11:05,666
God, I hate how much I love that.
237
00:11:09,538 --> 00:11:10,971
Why were you brawling?
238
00:11:11,005 --> 00:11:12,806
You are the New York Gay Men's Choir.
239
00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:15,843
You took an oath
to put song above all else.
240
00:11:15,876 --> 00:11:17,912
It's not my fault, Your Honor.
241
00:11:17,945 --> 00:11:19,346
When I'm... ♪ Up here ♪
242
00:11:19,380 --> 00:11:21,749
...he's supposed to be...
♪ Down here ♪
243
00:11:21,782 --> 00:11:25,085
- But instead he was...
- ♪ Over here ♪
244
00:11:25,119 --> 00:11:26,854
Where's that? I don't even know.
245
00:11:26,887 --> 00:11:28,189
Oh, yeah, tough guy?
246
00:11:28,222 --> 00:11:30,257
Why don't you sing it to my face?
247
00:11:30,291 --> 00:11:31,458
Oh! Oh! No, you don't...
248
00:11:31,492 --> 00:11:32,860
No! Stop! Stop! Listen.
249
00:11:32,893 --> 00:11:35,095
You guys don't want
to end up at Rikers.
250
00:11:35,129 --> 00:11:37,932
The acoustics there are terrible.
251
00:11:37,965 --> 00:11:39,466
The Spring Sing is coming up,
252
00:11:39,500 --> 00:11:42,269
and I refuse to listen to
a chorus full of straights.
253
00:11:42,303 --> 00:11:44,471
Okay.
254
00:11:44,506 --> 00:11:46,508
Let's cool down
with a night in holding.
255
00:11:46,541 --> 00:11:47,875
Yeah, that's in the basement.
256
00:11:47,908 --> 00:11:51,613
♪ Which is down there ♪
257
00:11:51,646 --> 00:11:53,881
And a-five, six, seven, eight.
258
00:11:53,914 --> 00:11:57,451
That's how many people
you'll be sharing a cell with.
259
00:11:58,953 --> 00:12:02,489
Hey. I want to talk about the show.
260
00:12:02,524 --> 00:12:04,058
Sorry. W-Who's your friend?
261
00:12:04,091 --> 00:12:06,227
Oh, this is Broadway's Roland Kincaid.
262
00:12:06,260 --> 00:12:08,162
I've cast him as Dan.
263
00:12:08,195 --> 00:12:10,497
I'm shadowing him
to capture his essence.
264
00:12:10,532 --> 00:12:13,934
Oh. Right. Like that's possible.
265
00:12:13,968 --> 00:12:17,271
Well, Dan, fake Dan, I love
that you're getting into this.
266
00:12:17,304 --> 00:12:19,974
But here's an idea
just coming to me now.
267
00:12:20,007 --> 00:12:23,244
What if we keep the
great themes from the book
268
00:12:23,277 --> 00:12:26,514
but shift the focus a bit to...
I don't know.
269
00:12:26,548 --> 00:12:29,783
Let's say a... female judge.
270
00:12:29,817 --> 00:12:31,452
Oh, yes. The great themes.
271
00:12:31,485 --> 00:12:35,789
Because after all,
that's what's really important.
272
00:12:35,823 --> 00:12:39,226
Even more so than who
the show is actually about.
273
00:12:39,260 --> 00:12:41,529
Exactly. So we're on the same page.
274
00:12:41,563 --> 00:12:43,264
Oh, yes. The same page.
275
00:12:43,297 --> 00:12:47,034
The page of betrayal!
276
00:12:47,067 --> 00:12:49,970
- You're trying to steal my show!
- I'm not trying to steal it.
277
00:12:50,004 --> 00:12:51,438
I'm trying to save it.
278
00:12:51,472 --> 00:12:52,940
Sy says the show's off
279
00:12:52,973 --> 00:12:55,075
if his investor's granddaughter
doesn't get the lead.
280
00:12:55,109 --> 00:12:58,580
Oh, y... Oh, no. No, no.
281
00:12:58,613 --> 00:13:00,314
I'll handle this.
282
00:13:00,347 --> 00:13:03,317
I was promised
complete creative control.
283
00:13:03,350 --> 00:13:06,954
If that is no longer the case,
I'm out.
284
00:13:06,987 --> 00:13:10,057
Roland, let's go.
285
00:13:11,859 --> 00:13:13,127
- Ooh!
- Ooh!
286
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:16,096
- ♪ Drama ♪
- ♪ Drama ♪
287
00:13:16,130 --> 00:13:18,667
That was beautiful. Okay.
288
00:13:18,700 --> 00:13:21,101
We should really get
you gentlemen to jail.
289
00:13:23,605 --> 00:13:25,139
What are you doing here?
290
00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:29,877
Shouldn't you be strapping into
a dance belt and vocalizing?
291
00:13:30,844 --> 00:13:32,146
The show is off.
292
00:13:32,179 --> 00:13:34,248
Uh, theater is dead anyway.
293
00:13:34,281 --> 00:13:36,116
You know, I've decided to make a pivot
294
00:13:36,150 --> 00:13:40,821
and turn my magnum opus
into a series of TokTiks.
295
00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:43,725
Well, that's a shame.
296
00:13:43,758 --> 00:13:45,926
You know, I read your book, and, um...
297
00:13:45,959 --> 00:13:48,630
Well, it was better
than I expected. Yeah.
298
00:13:48,663 --> 00:13:52,600
Did you really do an unassisted
appendectomy in an igloo?
299
00:13:52,634 --> 00:13:54,468
Yeah. But just the one.
300
00:13:54,502 --> 00:13:55,869
Oh.
301
00:13:55,903 --> 00:13:59,006
The ending didn't
really work for me, then.
302
00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:00,974
Oh, the part where I met
the love of my life
303
00:14:01,008 --> 00:14:03,110
wasn't a satisfactory conclusion?
304
00:14:03,143 --> 00:14:07,549
Sorry I didn't marry a Gone Girl
with a dragon tattoo.
305
00:14:07,582 --> 00:14:08,817
No. But that's just it.
306
00:14:08,849 --> 00:14:10,518
It didn't feel like a conclusion.
307
00:14:10,552 --> 00:14:13,521
It felt like the beginning
of your third act.
308
00:14:13,555 --> 00:14:14,922
You come out of retirement,
309
00:14:14,955 --> 00:14:17,559
you team up with your
old friend's daughter,
310
00:14:17,592 --> 00:14:19,093
and you become the kind of man
311
00:14:19,126 --> 00:14:24,064
whose friends put on a
musical about his dumb life.
312
00:14:24,098 --> 00:14:27,401
You know, you throw in a scene
where you save the Constitution,
313
00:14:27,434 --> 00:14:29,571
and I think you've got a bestseller.
314
00:14:29,604 --> 00:14:30,971
- Murray got to you.
- Yeah.
315
00:14:31,004 --> 00:14:34,208
He gave me the whole sweaty pitch.
316
00:14:34,241 --> 00:14:36,210
Hey, Dan. I'm sorry about Sy.
317
00:14:36,243 --> 00:14:38,445
Oh! You said his name. Great.
318
00:14:38,479 --> 00:14:41,181
Now I have to read
your stupid book again.
319
00:14:42,517 --> 00:14:44,586
Listen. I think we could
still get your show made.
320
00:14:44,619 --> 00:14:47,287
You know how many NYU
students will work for nothing
321
00:14:47,321 --> 00:14:49,089
if we promise it'll upset
their parents?
322
00:14:49,123 --> 00:14:52,326
You know, you tell Sy
the showcase is back on.
323
00:14:52,359 --> 00:14:54,763
So you'll do Sy's version of the show?
324
00:14:54,796 --> 00:14:57,164
No. I've got a much
better idea than that.
325
00:14:57,197 --> 00:14:58,733
But we will not tell him.
326
00:14:58,767 --> 00:15:02,469
Oh. Also, we will not tell him
that we're going to Chili's
327
00:15:02,504 --> 00:15:04,138
after the performance.
328
00:15:07,709 --> 00:15:09,410
How are ya? How are ya?
329
00:15:09,443 --> 00:15:12,680
Good to see ya.
Beautiful night for a showcase!
330
00:15:12,714 --> 00:15:14,014
Thank you for making my changes.
331
00:15:14,047 --> 00:15:16,049
These things happen in the theater.
332
00:15:16,083 --> 00:15:19,019
"Annie" was originally
about this leggy broad
333
00:15:19,052 --> 00:15:20,320
named Miss Hannigan,
334
00:15:20,354 --> 00:15:24,091
and her big number was called "Today"!
335
00:15:24,124 --> 00:15:25,827
You know, it is remarkable
336
00:15:25,860 --> 00:15:28,962
how literally nothing you say is true.
337
00:15:29,531 --> 00:15:30,832
So, is everyone here?
338
00:15:30,865 --> 00:15:32,966
No, no, no. I'm waiting
for my biggest investor.
339
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:36,504
And there she is! Hello, gorgeous!
340
00:15:36,538 --> 00:15:38,706
Ow.
341
00:15:38,740 --> 00:15:40,140
Sy, I am furious!
342
00:15:40,174 --> 00:15:43,711
I don't care how good you were
in the sack.
343
00:15:44,579 --> 00:15:46,648
Could be many things.
344
00:15:46,681 --> 00:15:51,084
Listen. What were you told
and/or what'd you find out?
345
00:15:51,118 --> 00:15:54,556
Well, you said my granddaughter
was gonna be the lead,
346
00:15:54,589 --> 00:15:59,426
but now I'm being told
that the show's an ensemble.
347
00:15:59,460 --> 00:16:00,994
I see what's happening.
348
00:16:01,028 --> 00:16:02,996
What's happening?
349
00:16:03,030 --> 00:16:05,700
I have used the awesome
power of my creative control
350
00:16:05,733 --> 00:16:08,235
to make the show about all of us.
351
00:16:08,268 --> 00:16:10,404
It was very magnanimous of me.
352
00:16:10,437 --> 00:16:12,740
Not on my watch.
I'm pulling the funding.
353
00:16:12,774 --> 00:16:14,007
I'm pulling the cash.
354
00:16:14,041 --> 00:16:15,877
Yeah. We figured you'd say that.
355
00:16:15,910 --> 00:16:18,546
That's why we are
gonna do it ourselves.
356
00:16:18,580 --> 00:16:19,881
Places, everyone.
357
00:16:19,914 --> 00:16:22,115
All right. We're curtains up in five.
358
00:16:22,149 --> 00:16:23,551
This is so exciting.
359
00:16:23,585 --> 00:16:25,887
I'll be right back.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
360
00:16:35,530 --> 00:16:39,701
♪ Crime is up, and the sun is down ♪
361
00:16:39,734 --> 00:16:44,137
♪ Our dankness ranks
above any in town ♪
362
00:16:44,171 --> 00:16:48,543
♪ Sure, the vibe
might cause depression ♪
363
00:16:48,576 --> 00:16:55,015
♪ Till these two words
put court in session ♪
364
00:16:55,048 --> 00:16:57,217
♪ All rise ♪
365
00:16:57,251 --> 00:16:58,686
That means you leave your seat.
366
00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:01,288
- ♪ All rise ♪
- Come on. Get on your feet.
367
00:17:01,321 --> 00:17:03,925
♪ The crimes are dark,
but the mood is light ♪
368
00:17:03,958 --> 00:17:07,562
Tell me, Clerk.
What's on the docket tonight?
369
00:17:07,595 --> 00:17:10,330
♪ Well, we got drunk intoxications ♪
370
00:17:10,364 --> 00:17:11,966
♪ And several urinations ♪
371
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,301
♪ Plus two formal accusations
of public masturbations ♪
372
00:17:14,334 --> 00:17:17,304
♪ 20 muggings for the purists
and an Elmo flashed a tourist ♪
373
00:17:17,337 --> 00:17:20,274
♪ Although I'm not the surest,
I still want to be a jurist ♪
374
00:17:20,307 --> 00:17:22,877
♪ As a student divorcée
in need of steady pay ♪
375
00:17:22,911 --> 00:17:26,581
♪ I'll sleep all day until
I hear the bailiff say... ♪
376
00:17:26,614 --> 00:17:28,616
- ♪ All rise ♪
- We're just about to start.
377
00:17:28,650 --> 00:17:31,184
- ♪ All rise ♪
- A hellmouth with some heart.
378
00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:33,487
♪ Nightly trials set my spirit free ♪
379
00:17:33,521 --> 00:17:36,758
♪ Lady Justice never sleeps,
and neither do we ♪
380
00:17:36,791 --> 00:17:38,860
♪ I can't get enough;
I'm here every night ♪
381
00:17:38,893 --> 00:17:41,361
♪ I should be retired,
but that never fit right ♪
382
00:17:41,395 --> 00:17:44,298
♪ So I'll lawyer, I'll judge,
I'll coach nighttime soccer ♪
383
00:17:44,331 --> 00:17:48,101
♪ 'Cause I want the action
and to keep my work locker ♪
384
00:17:48,135 --> 00:17:51,005
The law may be murky,
but one thing's clear.
385
00:17:51,039 --> 00:17:53,608
Everybody loves working here.
386
00:17:53,641 --> 00:17:57,210
Wait. I don't know about that.
387
00:17:59,013 --> 00:18:04,251
♪ I was a boy from the bayou ♪
388
00:18:04,284 --> 00:18:09,057
♪ A dirt farmer seeking out fame ♪
389
00:18:09,089 --> 00:18:11,993
♪ Now this place is beneath me ♪
390
00:18:12,026 --> 00:18:15,029
♪ My talents bequeathed me ♪
391
00:18:15,063 --> 00:18:18,733
♪ A chance to shine just the same ♪
392
00:18:18,766 --> 00:18:20,068
♪ Oh, oh ♪
393
00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:23,170
♪ But after all of my great feats ♪
394
00:18:23,203 --> 00:18:25,405
♪ I'm defending the dumb deadbeats ♪
395
00:18:25,439 --> 00:18:29,142
♪ Feeling there's no one left
in my league ♪
396
00:18:29,176 --> 00:18:30,945
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
397
00:18:30,979 --> 00:18:33,982
♪ You know, once, in an igloo... ♪
398
00:18:34,015 --> 00:18:36,551
Well, hey, Stretch. How do you do?
399
00:18:36,584 --> 00:18:41,756
♪ Okay, I'll admit I'm intrigued ♪
400
00:18:43,123 --> 00:18:44,892
- Oh, yeah!
- Yeah! Whoo!
401
00:18:51,198 --> 00:18:54,102
♪ All rise ♪
402
00:18:54,134 --> 00:18:58,506
♪ I got my gavel freshly shined ♪
403
00:18:58,539 --> 00:19:01,843
- ♪ All rise ♪
- ♪ Haven't seen the sunshine ♪
404
00:19:01,876 --> 00:19:04,244
♪ In quite some time ♪
405
00:19:04,277 --> 00:19:07,048
♪ We're better together,
and that's the conceit ♪
406
00:19:07,081 --> 00:19:12,352
♪ Now let's get some sex workers... ♪
407
00:19:12,386 --> 00:19:19,961
- ♪ ...back on the stre-e-e-et ♪
- ♪ All rise! ♪
408
00:19:19,994 --> 00:19:21,228
- Night court!
- Night court!
409
00:19:27,702 --> 00:19:30,772
Dan, that was great! How do you feel?
410
00:19:30,805 --> 00:19:34,341
Like I should have done
a musical sooner.
411
00:19:34,374 --> 00:19:36,911
Well, that was complete trash.
412
00:19:36,944 --> 00:19:38,846
I loved it!
413
00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:41,149
Let me finish.
414
00:19:41,181 --> 00:19:43,383
Didn't doubt you for a second.
415
00:19:43,417 --> 00:19:47,354
Ms. Sinclair, I am prepared
to offer you 60% of this show
416
00:19:47,387 --> 00:19:48,488
right here and now.
417
00:19:48,523 --> 00:19:50,058
That's all we needed to hear.
418
00:19:50,091 --> 00:19:53,027
FBI. Hands in the air, Hoffman.
419
00:19:53,061 --> 00:19:54,494
Hudson! You're an FBI agent?
420
00:19:54,529 --> 00:19:56,030
Since when are you a fed?
421
00:19:56,064 --> 00:19:57,765
Since they recruited me
out of Yale Drama
422
00:19:57,799 --> 00:20:00,200
to work in their musical crimes
division.
423
00:20:00,233 --> 00:20:03,504
Uncle Sy, you just sold 60% of a show
424
00:20:03,538 --> 00:20:05,773
you already sold 300% of.
425
00:20:05,807 --> 00:20:07,108
And that's fraud.
426
00:20:07,141 --> 00:20:08,776
I knew this was gonna happen.
427
00:20:08,810 --> 00:20:11,646
I mean, not this,
but I knew he was a crook!
428
00:20:11,679 --> 00:20:15,049
Dan, the only reason I wanted
to make your book into a musical
429
00:20:15,083 --> 00:20:16,584
was because I knew it would stink!
430
00:20:16,617 --> 00:20:20,121
You see, I figure you can
make more money with a flop
431
00:20:20,154 --> 00:20:22,523
- than with a hit.
- Like "The Producers."
432
00:20:22,557 --> 00:20:24,792
No! "The Producers" was a hit!
433
00:20:24,826 --> 00:20:26,894
No. It's the plot of "The Producers."
434
00:20:26,928 --> 00:20:29,030
Haven't seen it.
435
00:20:29,063 --> 00:20:32,399
Good Lord. You really are the worst.
436
00:20:32,432 --> 00:20:35,469
That said, when does he get out?
437
00:20:38,338 --> 00:20:40,842
Hey. Here's your pitch pipe back.
438
00:20:40,875 --> 00:20:44,579
Oh, and by the way,
Gurgs went home with two Tonys.
439
00:20:46,514 --> 00:20:50,551
Oh! How did I get blisters
just from trying on tap shoes?
440
00:20:52,053 --> 00:20:54,622
Got to say, you got stage presence.
441
00:20:54,655 --> 00:20:56,256
I was thinking the same thing.
442
00:20:56,289 --> 00:20:59,660
It was foolish to think
that anyone could play me.
443
00:21:01,162 --> 00:21:03,296
So, I know the show isn't happening,
444
00:21:03,330 --> 00:21:04,932
but I'm sure there's someone out there
445
00:21:04,966 --> 00:21:07,201
- who's gonna buy your story.
- Well, you know what?
446
00:21:07,235 --> 00:21:09,937
I'm pretty sure it's not done yet.
447
00:21:11,639 --> 00:21:13,541
So you might put me in it?
448
00:21:13,574 --> 00:21:16,711
I don't think the book
would be complete without you.
449
00:21:16,744 --> 00:21:19,312
Though I may have to
turn you into a vampire
450
00:21:19,346 --> 00:21:21,849
to sell more copies.
451
00:21:22,929 --> 00:21:29,429
sync & corrections by awaqeded
www.MY-SUBS.com
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