Original subtitles

The following program

is brought to you in living color on NBC.

- Whoa. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, man, ain't that something.

Pa, just like Mr. Greely said, it's really something.

Mr. Greely needed the money

so me and Little Joe put up $500

and bought ourselves two-thirds of a going enterprise.

- Five hundred dollars? - That's right.

And Greely's going to run the place for us.

Yeah, and all we got to do

is just sit back and collect two-thirds of the profit.

How long have you two been in the saloon business?

- About four weeks. - And this is the first

- you tell me about it. - It's the first time we saw it.

We didn't want to spoil everything.

Yeah, and we wanted you to see it too, Pa.

Well, I know a little bit about the cattle business

and horse business and lumber,

but I'm afraid saloons aren't in my line.

Mr. Greely says it's going to be a regular gold mine.

Just look at the business they're doing now.

- All right. Let's take a look inside. - Heh.

Jamie, take the horses.

Howdy.

H. Turner?

I thought you said the man's name was Greely.

Old man Greely. Oh, his place is down the street, hon.

Thank you.

Trails End.

Certainly well named.

Heavens.

- Oh, boy. - Gold mine.

You sure Greely didn't say coal mine?

Pa, you can't judge a place from your first impression.

How many impressions do you need?

Jamie.

Jamie...

Jamie, why don't you wait for us outside?

- This is no place for you to be. - Well, I... I was just taking a...

- I said... - Hey, Jamie, go on.

Do like Pa says. It ain't fitting for a boy your age to be gawking

at fancy women.

Hoss?

Yeah.

We made a mistake.

Joe, you ain't even give it a half a chance yet.

Customers?

Oh, you're Mr. Greely.

Greely? No. No. No, sirs.

I sirs, am Darius Dalrymple,

your bartender and servant.

Sure... sure you wouldn't like a drink, gentlemen?

No.

That's marvelous.

I buy it over at the Golden Spur Saloon.

25 cents a shot straight whiskey.

Good stuff. You sure you don't want any?

No... no.

Where is Mr. Greely?

Oh, he's... he's over at Snedaker's.

That's the funeral parlor.

Well, what's he doing at the funeral parlor?

He's a client.

Boys, look, take my advice,

right now you get rid of this place immediately.

- You understand? - Yes, sir.

And the moment you do, meet us in Carson City.

Yeah.

Pa, best luck with Miss Frost.

I don't think you're going to need it, but...

Well, good luck to you, too.

I'm afraid you will.

Hey, you're Mr. Greely's partners.

You mustn't sell.

- You mustn't. - Why not?

Well, you can make yourself a tidy profit from this establishment.

That'd be the only thing tidy in this place.

Excuse me. My customer.

Howdy, partner.

Oh, French... Frenchy don't speak English.

You speak French?

Not so's you could notice it, no.

See, I told you, you can make yourself

a tidy profit from this establishment.

Wait a minute... wait a minute. That's 15 cents.

You told me you paid 25 cents a shot for the whiskey.

Well, that's all Frenchy can afford.

Oh.

Hey, seeing as you're Greely's partners and all,

don't you think we should go over and pay our last respects

to poor Jebediah.

And maybe I'll tell you something about Trails End.

Maybe.

Well, I think I know everything about Trails End I need to.

Wait a minute, little brother.

Maybe we ought to go over and pay our last respects

to our ex-partner, huh?

- What about him? - Oh, he's all set.

He only buys the one drink.

Good. All we can lose is a dime.

Rest in peace, Jebediah.

You know, I was all he had in the world.

Poor, neglected soul.

Speaking of neglect,

Mr. Sned... Mr. Snedaker.

I strongly object to Mr. Greely

being stashed away in a back room like... like a floor mop.

Well, I'm certainly not going to put a saloon keeper

in my front parlor.

Well, you got Rubin Lucas out front,

and Jebediah is just as good a man as Lucas.

He's just as dead.

I'm sure you understand my position.

I'm president of the local temperance league.

I trust you're in sympathy with the anti-saloon movement.

Well, we, uh... we try to see both sides of it.

Mrs. Lucas, you must be brave.

Mrs. Lucas runs the boarding house.

$2 a day in advance, dinner's at 6:00.

Young lady...

young lady, contain yourself.

I can't help it.

I loved him so much.

Who are you, girl?

I'm his daughter.

Who are you?

Well, I guess I'm your mother,

seeing as how this is my husband laid out here.

Now, now, now,

there must be some explanation.

What's your name, young lady?

Ellen Sue Greely.

An innocent case of mistaken identity.

This way, Miss Greely.

And my condolences.

Greely's daughter?

Jebediah never said nothing about having a daughter.

Don't you think it's kind of strange

she doesn't recognize her own father?

Oh, no. It happens all the time.

When a loved one passes away, the survivor sometimes

goes into shock.

- Grief unhinges the mourner's mind. - Yeah, I suppose you're right.

Besides, they all, sort of, look alike once they're in the box.

Mr... Mr. Cartwright,

may I call you by your first name?

- Okay, yeah, yeah, Joe. - Thank you.

Mr. Cartwright, I'm about to impart

something to you that I've never

breathed to another living soul.

- Not now. - There, there, there, my dear.

You must be brave.

Oh, I'll be all right.

I have to be.

I intend to operate my father's saloon.

Well, of course you will.

He... he would have wanted it that way.

Told me so many times.

The place is kind of a mess right now.

You... you... you got a nice place to stay?

I've checked into the boarding house.

My boarding house?

What do you think, Joe? Do you think Ellen Sue could make a go of it?

Go of what? We got one customer,

we lose ten cents every time he comes in.

Oh, come on, be serious.

I mean, she's all alone and well,

I think we ought to give her a chance.

Yeah, I'll drink to that.

I figured you would.

You gonna... You gonna tell her to keep me on?

Why not?

Gentlemen, may I say...

may I say there has not been a finer display

of generosity towards one's fellow man

since old Abe delivered his second inaugural address.

No... no, sir. That's...

Oh, welcome to Trails End, Miss Greely.

Oh...

So this is my poor dear daddy's place.

Miss Greely, congratulations.

We're going to let you run this saloon.

Oh.

Oh, thank you, I'm so delighted.

And you know what?

I come with the place.

It's not much help, but it's hard running a saloon.

Oh, well, we Greelys are used to hard work.

- Why, back in Boston... - Boston?

I thought your Pa was from Philadelphia.

Phila... back in Philadelphia,

yes, we... we learned how to work hard.

How long did you live in Philadelphia?

Oh, five, six...

Fourteen years.

Fourteen years. Right.

And I was just a small thing then,

but I can remember my mama saying, Jeremiah,

she said, we really ought to move out west.

What'd I say?

Well, we thought your Pa's name was Jebediah.

Well, of course. We had this little joke, you see.

When I was small I couldn't pronounce Jebediah,

so we called him Jeremiah,

and you don't believe a word of this, do you?

No.

No.

I didn't think so.

Well, why don't you tell us what you're up to, huh?

I don't know.

Somebody hired me to pose as what's his name...

Greely's daughter.

- Who? - I don't know that either.

I never met him. Honest.

Would I lie to you?

I think you'd better tell us the whole story.

Well, my real name is Ellen Sue Carpenter

and this man I never met before

sent me this letter of instructions.

Where did you meet this contact in the first place?

Through the Tustin Flats jail.

Ah, this fella was in jail, huh?

No, I was in jail.

You see, I was selling bottled water

and calling it the fountain of youth of Tustin Flats.

Told everybody I was a hundred years old.

Don't laugh, I was doing just fine until one day some...

somebody happened to say something about the '49 gold rush

and I wasn't thinking and I said it was before my time.

I'm always doing dumb things like that.

Why would anybody want you to pretend

that you were Greely's daughter?

I... I wasn't told.

The letter just said I would get a big cash bonus

if I could just do it right.

Somebody's after Trails End, that's what.

Yeah, I suppose so, because the letter of instruction said

that I was to be sure to say

I wanted to take over the saloon.

Why?

Well, whoever this party is,

figures they can get it for nothing, that's why.

I think it's a fair price.

Well, whoever this mysterious party is,

if they want to go to all this trouble to get it,

maybe they'd put up some money.

I think we can smoke them out, Little Joe.

Tustin Flats' not that far away.

- Let's give it a try. - Let's go.

As for you, young lady...

I know, I know, back to jail.

No, we're not going to prosecute,

just go and con no more.

- Deary... - Yeah?

Listen, I'm... I'm... I'm about to impart a secret to you

that I have never breathed to another living soul...

Well, I wonder if you could breathe it from a little farther back.

But... but first, you got to agree that we're partners.

I... I mean, word of honor.

You got it.

You know, you... you seem like a very enterprising young lady.

If you could get your hands on $500,

- buy out the Cartwrights... - Yeah.

I'll split the Greely fortune with you.

Why don't we split the fortune first,

and then I'll buy them out.

Well, I haven't found it.

Oh, I know what you're thinking.

- This man's a drunk... - You're right, that's right.

That's exactly what I was standing here thinking.

Miss Carpenter... may... may I call you Ellen Sue?

Thank you.

Miss Carpenter,

old Jebediah, he hid a fortune here someplace,

and I'm going to find it.

You see, your father, bless his gentle memory...

He wasn't my father.

That's good. You wouldn't have liked him.

Mean old codger.

Loved to torment a person, you know.

He... he kept giving me those devilish hints about the loot.

He said, "Keep... keep searching, Darius, keep looking.

"It's... it's close enough to spit at."

He never flat-out said where it was, see.

Just... he'd just torment me with them hints.

Well, little by little, I'm remembering.

Yes, sir. Every... every day I... I recollect a bit more.

And one day when I... when I put it all together,

eureka!

What's a eureka?

It means I've found it.

Which you haven't,

and which you won't because there really isn't any money.

There never is. I know.

No, no, you're... you're... you're wrong.

You're wrong, Miss. You're wrong.

If you could get your hands on $500...

I don't have $5.

As a matter of fact, I was, sort of, counting on maybe you'd loan me

some money to pay my board and stage fare out of here.

Me?

About $50.

40?

- 30? - I don't have a penny.

Listen, I mean, if you're... you're in a hurry to catch a stage out of here,

well, haven't you got anything you can sell?

Uh-huh.

Our secret.

I know a lot of people who would pay high money

for information like that.

Hey, that's... that's...

- that's outrageous. - Yeah.

- I mean that's... that's low and mean... - You're right.

And it's uns...

Unscrupulous.

You took the word right out of my mouth.

Well, I'll do it and you'll have a regular gold rush in here

and somebody's going to find that fortune before you do.

You wouldn't.

No, $30 would protect our secret.

It's cheap at twice the price.

I... I got something...

Here... here... here. Look at this.

This is a clock my mommy gave me. Look at that.

$70 if it's worth a cent...

- Oh, Mr. Dalrymple... - Huh? Huh?

- Try again. - What?

Well, I got something here for you.

Now wait a minute.

There you are. Protect yourself...

You'd better come up with something.

Now wait, wait, wait... hey.

No, some things are sacred.

Here... here. Look at that, huh?

How about that, huh?

What am I going to do with that?

Well, sell it to Mrs. Lucas.

Look good in her dining room.

The frame alone is worth $5.

- Yeah? - Hmm?

Well, losers can't be choosers, as they say.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Keep a secret you know... shh, hmm?

How long will it take to complete the arrangements, Mr. Blakely?

Well, with a cattle deal of this magnitude,

I'd say approximately...

precisely three days, Miss Frost.

Very well. Fetch the pen, Mr. Blakely.

Miss Frost, this is a rather large transaction,

if you'd like to examine a few of the specimens

- of our cattle. - Oh, not necessary.

It's a man's character that has to stand up under scrutiny.

May I say that I've heard nothing but good things

about the Cartwrights.

Thank you.

And rest assured, I inquired.

I had hoped to meet your two sons

before I returned to the East.

Well, you may still be able to.

They're not too far from here.

- Yeah, they're in Upright. - In what?

Upright. That's a town. They have a saloon there.

Ja...

Saloon?

- Miss Frost... - The impeccable Cartwrights,

traffic in demon rum.

Miss Frost, the boys impulsively went into a business venture.

Of course, saloons are not in the Cartwright line...

Do they...

or do they not own a saloon?

Well, very soon they will not.

I've advised them to sell.

Did you now?

I'll send them a wire in the morning.

The telegraph office is open now, sir.

Hey, Dalrymple, what the... Cut that out.

How are we going to sell this place

with you tearing it apart like that?

Sell? Sell?

You... you... you got a buyer?

Well, we got a couple of prospects,

so put the stove back together again.

Mr. Cartwright, sir,

may I... may I call you Hoss?

Well, I reckon so.

Thank you.

Mr. Cartwright,

I am about to impart the secret to you

that I have never breathed to another living soul.

You got a telegram here for Cartwright?

- Yeah. - Thank you.

Here it is.

I'm shut down for the night,

so if you answer that, it'll have to wait 'til morning.

Mornin'll be good enough.

Meaning no disrespect, but your pa's all wrong.

- About what? - Oh,

this is a good town for two young fellas

to start a business in.

Hoss, we just got a telegram from Pa.

We got to sell this place and quick.

- Huh? - Here, read it yourself.

Well, we ain't selling.

Can you maintain this schedule

if we decide to use the Kansas City stockyards?

Well, we'll find that out

as soon as we make the first shipment.

If, Mr. Cartwright.

- I beg your pardon. - If you make your first shipment.

We haven't gone into business with you yet.

Well, Miss Frost, let me reassure you...

I would like to have you reassure me.

There's a telegram for you.

Oh, thank you.

It's what I've been waiting for.

There's been a slight delay in Upright.

Better send those boys another wire immediately.

Tell them they have 48 hours to divorce themselves

from that depraved enterprise.

48 hours.

- Very good. - Mr. Cartwright...

I shall want to see the bill of sale.

Hoss, just a minute. Just listen to me for one minute.

Joseph, you can forget about it now.

My mind's made up. I ain't gonna sell.

- We ain't selling this... - Pa sent us a wire

and he wants to get out from under this place.

Joseph, that was before he knew about the fortune.

A fortune. Now, that's fairy tale talk. There's no fortune in this dump.

Wait'll Dalrymple comes in and you ask him yourself.

Did you say wait until he comes in or wait until he comes to?

I'm gonna go get some breakfast.

You trollop, trying to pay your bill with a thing like that.

You nasty old hag. What about my luggage?

You'll get it when you can pay your bill with respectable cash.

Well, I'll be dad burned. If that don't beat all.

How did our picture get out here, you reckon?

Will you just listen to me?

Joe, will you lay off me until after I've had some breakfast.

Well, how can you think about eating? We've got some problems.

I don't care what we've got...

I didn't paint it lady.

I don't want it in here. And keep it out.

Yes, ma'am. Yes'm.

Mr. Cartwright, telegram.

Thank you.

Oh, great. Great.

Here we go again. It's from Pa.

"Imperative you sell saloon today. Stop.

"Wire me when sale accomplished."

Joe, just do me one favor, will you? Talk to Dalrymple.

Good morning.

There we go.

- Easy now. - Thank... thank you.

Oh, I... I beg your pardon.

I must have dozed off.

Yeah, you spent the night here, Dalrymple.

Hey, tell Joe about the Greely fortune.

The-the Greely what?

It's all right. You can talk to him. He's my brother. Tell him about it.

Mr. Cartwright, have you been drinking?

No, I ain't been drinking,

but I'm getting a might riled up.

Last night you stood right over there by that stove

and you told me about a fortune

that old Greely had stashed in this here saloon.

I said that?

Yeah, and you said something else.

You said he said something very special,

that the fortune was so close

that a man could spit on it, and that's how come you was

tearing up that stove 'cause old Greely was always sitting there

spitting on that stove.

How gross.

All right, let's make it short and sweet, Mr. Dalrymple.

Is there or isn't there a fortune hidden here someplace?

I thought only children believed in fantasies, Mr. Cartwright.

Oh, they do.

Dalrymple, last night you...

I'll go get you a drink. Maybe that'll help you remember.

Oh, no thank you. I've given it up.

Good morning, fellas.

Look who's here. The hundred-year-old woman.

Now is that any way to talk to a girl who's going to arrange

to take this place off your hands?

Keep your money in your pocket

and your hand on your billfold, Joe.

I'm serious.

I ran into my mysterious party.

You mean face to face?

And he has authorized me to buy the Trails End from you.

Well, how come he don't just come out in person and deal with us?

Never mind.

He's a very proper gentleman and he's very sweet.

Well, why don't you just tell this mysterious

sweet proper gentleman of yours

that if he'll give us $600, we'll give him Trails End.

Well, what if I could get more than $600?

I think $600 is plenty.

I'll tell you what, now.

I'll keep him dangling

and anything over $600 we split, 50/50.

Honey, if you can get him for $600 for this place,

- you deserve the money. - Ah.

Ignore first wire. Expect sale and nice profit. Joe.

Well, that makes me feel better.

Well, I guess you were worried for nothing, huh?

Well, Hoss is so easily persuaded to get into things,

but Joe brings him down to earth.

- Yeah. - Hey, Jamie,

do you think you could ride out to Upright tomorrow,

get the bill of sale and bring it back, all in the same day?

- Oh, sure, Pa. - Good boy.

Jebediah, now where... where... where... where was it

that you said it was? Huh?

Don't chase after the dollar, Dalrymple.

The man who chases after the dollar never finds it.

That's it. That's it.

It's not dollars, no.

Maybe it is... Maybe it is gold.

But where? Where? Where? Where?

Oh, come on, think, Dalrymple.

Think.

Let me see. Let me see now.

Greely... Greely was standing right there...

Ever hear the story

of the man who was looking for acres of diamonds, Dalrymple?

Searched the world.

Searched the world,

and they were right in his backyard all the time.

Right under his feet.

Diamonds!

That's it. Diamonds.

Diamonds.

Hey, Joe, what is that, anyhow?

Mmm?

Oh.

Probably just mice.

Well, dang mice as big as coyotes.

Noisiest place I ever tried to sleep in.

I like to never fell asleep.

You all right?

Dalrymple.

Dalrymple!

Oh my, what's this?

Oh.

This was our staircase until you demolished it.

Why did you do that?

I'm sorry. I... I apologize, but I don't remember anything.

Of course, if I'm responsible in any way, why just...

just take it out of my salary.

Dalrymple, we don't pay you no salary.

Thanks for the drink.

Ah.

It's just what I needed to get my strength back.

Drink? Why that's the sixth one I poured for you.

Now you go on back to Trails End.

I've got a lot of business to take care of.

- Mr. Turner... - What?

Mr. Turner, can I call you Charlie?

Call me anything,

but just stay on your feet and move along.

Thank you. Mr. Turner,

I... I got a proposition to make.

Now I want you to buy Trails End

and make you my partner.

I mean make me your partner.

Why, of course, Dalrymple.

And by the way, what's in it for me?

For a quarter...

About a quarter of a million dollars...

A quarter of a million...

Quarter of a million dollars?

Mr. Turner...

Mr. Turner, I am about to impart...

a secret to you...

that I have never breathed to another living soul.

And... and then one night Mr. Greely,

he says to me, "You want to know where the loot is,

"just ask... just ask."

Ask who, Dalrymple? Ask who?

I can't remember.

My head's clearing.

Here, have another drink.

Ask the fat lady, that's what he said.

Ask the fat lady.

Who's the fat lady?

I know... I know who he meant.

It's the woman in the painting, over the bar.

Dalrymple, a painting can't talk.

I know, but what he meant was...

the clue is in the picture.

Yeah.

Quiet, quiet, quiet, men. Quiet!

We'll never get anyplace with everybody talking.

Now he said to ask the fat lady.

Okay, we're asking.

Her eyes.

Follow the direction of her eyes.

- Chandelier. - It's in the chandelier, boys.

That's not it. Not the chandelier.

Her foot's pointing to the wall.

Here it is. I got it, I got it, I got it.

No, I saw it first. Let me get it. Oh, there it is. I saw it first.

You know, I've been thinking of settling down in Upright.

Well, I thought you couldn't wait to be moving on, Ellen Sue.

There's some nice people in this town.

What would you do if you stayed here,

not open a saloon out here.

I might open a restaurant where folks could get

a good meal like veal parmesan,

and chicken cacciatore, and ravioli and...

European cuisine.

European?

Them's Italian.

Well, Italy's in Europe, isn't it?

Well, anyway, it's the only fancy food I know how to cook.

I grew up in an Italian neighborhood back east.

- Well, let's get down to business. - Good.

What did you say you wanted for Trails End?

Please, just make us an offer.

1,400.

- Well, I... - Not good enough, you say.

1,500.

1,500?

Well, let's not haggle. 1,600.

Six... Now wait... wait... wait a minute, Ellen Sue.

- I mean... - Joe, Hoss!

Listen, there's a bunch of people over there.

- They're tearing your saloon apart. - What?

Well, it seems there's a fortune hid there and everybody's after it.

I'm about to impart a secret to you that I've never breathed

to another living soul...

- Hey! - Hey, stop it!

Hey, cut it out, will you?

- Hey - Hey, come on, cut it out!

If you don't stop, I'm gonna call the sheriff!

Somebody want me?

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Get out of here. Get out of here.

Out! Out!

- Get out of here. - All right, get out!

Out.

Some sheriff.

I ain't never seen nothing like it.

What money will do to people.

Speaking of money, my client still wants to buy this place.

You'd better sell before there isn't anything left to sell.

Well, it's fine with me. $1,600,

- right, Joe? - Right.

- Joe? - What?

I say we'll sell for $1,600, right?

- Wrong. - Wrong?

Trails End is not for sale at any price.

Joseph!

Well...

I think we've covered every possible contingency.

Except for the binding contract,

and we know what that is contingent upon.

Miss Frost, you saw the telegram for yourself.

Jamie should be here at any time now with the bill of sale.

There's a telegram for you, Mr. Cartwright.

Another one?

Well, I'll...

I'll have to ride out to Upright myself.

There are unforeseen complications.

Mr. Cartwright,

unless I have written proof by ten o'clock tomorrow morning,

that you and yours no longer own a saloon,

we shall be disaffiliated.

You may go with him, Mr. Blakely.

Oh, thank you, Miss Frost.

Well, it's got to be here someplace.

All we got to do is keep looking, keep looking.

Come on, Jamie, get that worried look off your face.

You're not in any trouble with Pa.

Well, he said, "Come right back with that bill of sale,"

- which I don't have. - We ain't sold the place yet,

and until we sell it we can't have a bill of sale.

Will you stop worrying about Pa's deal with Miss Frost.

It's meaningless.

How can you compare it with a half a million dollars

buried in here someplace.

All we got to do is think. We'll find it.

Jamie, you've been told about looking at indecent pictures...

Hoss, I was just looking for clues.

You said the clue was in the picture someplace...

Well, we'll... we'll look for the clues.

- Why don't you get some sleep now. - Oh, come on, Joe.

Wait a minute.

I think I've got it.

Got what?

It's the frame, Joe.

That's solid gold, I'll bet.

- It looks like it. - Hey, maybe he's got something.

I'll be dad burned. Right in front of our eyes all the time.

That... that's what Greely used to say.

"Thou hast eyes to see and thou seest not."

Jamie boy, I think you struck gold.

- Let's take it to the assayer, Joe. - You bet.

Pure gold.

It looked like gold. I'm sorry.

Well, not half as sorry as the assayer

was when we woke him up in the middle of the night.

Well, let's get some sleep.

- Yeah. - Dalrymple, why don't you go on home.

We'll find it, get fresh start in the morning,

I'll give you a hint, Darius.

There's more to what you see than you're seeing.

You've got to see below the surface, my boy.

You've got to look below, and beyond and behind...

Below,

beyond,

and behind.

Behind?

We'll have ourselves a good breakfast and go find Dalrymple

and go over this place inch by inch.

What's that?

We've got half the town out there.

Well, they're not going to wreck the place this time.

Come on. Listen, Cartwright, I got a deal for you.

Ready to start the bidding.

Mr. Cartwright,

I'll give you 3,000 for Trails End.

I'll give 4,000 and I'll throw in the boarding house.

6,000.

- Seven. - Seven-five.

Eight. What am I doing? I'm bidding against myself.

It's not fair.

Dalrymple swore he'd never breathe it to another soul.

Where is Dalrymple?

$8,500.

- 9,000. - 9,500.

$10,000.

It's not for sale at any price.

Oh, what is it?

Hey, he found it!

It's mine... the law's nine-tenths of possession.

- Finders keepers... - Hang on!

Wait a minute.

Well, wait a minute. We own the place.

It's all right. It's all right.

I'll cut you in, but... but it's mostly mine.

You keep it.

Well, we're open for bids.

Somebody said something about $10,000.

Speak right up. Don't be bashful.

Six?

How about 5,000? Anybody, 5,000? That's a lot of building for 5,000.

How about 4,000.

We'll throw in the signs and everything.

Hi, Pa.

Why it is Pa. Hi, Pa.

It's a long story, Pa.

I'm sure it is.

How much time do we have left, Mr. Blakely?

Less than an hour.

I want you to abandon this place,

burn it down, give it away.

I'm afraid Miss Frost doesn't do business that way.

She wants a legitimate bill of sale.

Well, there's a tele... telegraph office down the street

if you want to send her a telegram.

Thank you.

Yes, sir.

Why didn't I sell it for $3,500?

Why'd I have to be so greedy?

They were offering five, six, 7,000.

Taking advantage of poor Mr. Snedaker.

'Course when you think about it he wasn't very honest either.

- Said no, I don't want to sell. - He was really pretty sneaky.

Talked to Hoss, he wanted to sell, I wouldn't do it.

- I think he owes me an apology! - Why wouldn't I sell it?

The place isn't worth anything and I could have

gotten $10,000 out of it.

I don't understand what's the matter with me.

Frenchy, I'm sorry, but we're closed.

I mean, we're closed forever.

It's all over.

Dalrymple, give him a drink.

Give... give him all he wants.

Jamie, out.

I was just, uh...

- Out. - Going to wait outside.

Don't say anything I just had a long talk with myself.

I should have sold the place when we had a chance.

Well, I just hope we didn't blow the deal for Pa with Miss Frost.

Yeah. Well, I'm afraid we did.

Unless we can find somebody to buy this place.

Dalrymple,

you're the man who needs to own this saloon.

At a real good price. $100.

- Fifty dollars? - We'll loan you the money.

Mr. Cartwright...

Just call me Hoss.

Thank you. Mr. Cartwright,

I'm about to impart a secret to you

that I have never breathed to another living soul...

Joe, there's... there's just got to be somebody we can...

Hey, careful,

there won't be anything left to sell in this place.

I'll fix it.

Dad burnit.

We got to find somebody that's dumber than we are, Joe.

Morning, Mr. Cartwright.

Hey, you ought to be more careful.

There's a law against messing up the streets around here.

Why, good morning, Sheriff.

You're just the man we're looking for.

Have you ever thought about going into business for yourself?

Hey, it's not... it's not really as crazy an idea as it sounds.

You know the saloon business, Sheriff,

happens to be a wonderful business.

People love to drink. They do it all the time.

As a matter of fact, have you been inside this place lately?

And... and doesn't it look great from the outside...

And when you hired me to buy that saloon, you didn't mention

there was a treasure hidden there.

Turns out there wasn't.

Serves you right.

You were trying to swindle the Cartwrights and me, too.

But that's why I hired you.

You were in jail for swindling.

That was different. I was working for myself.

I apologize.

I accept.

If I could have five or ten minutes of your time.

What for?

I want to express my admiration both for you

and for a very good idea that you had.

Well, it doesn't hurt to listen.

Sheriff, what else can I say to you.

How are you going to beat the price? $10.

Look at this.

If you just sold the place for firewood, you'd double your money.

- Well, you might be right. - You got the deed?

You bet I do.

I'm sorry, but I like to think on things

before I make up my mind.

Tell you what, I'll let you know.

- When? - Oh, end of the week.

You gotta get this deal while you can get it.

I'll let you know.

You know that restaurant we were talking about?

- The one that I was going to open? - Ellen Sue, not now.

Will you please. We've got problems of our own.

You big fat cow, you broke my heart!

Hey, hey, hey! Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it!

Frenchy, no comprehenda.

Sorry, I don't speak French.

That's not French. That's Italian.

What's a Frenchman doing speaking Italian?

Grazie.

Frenchy's Italian.

- You understand what he's saying? - Yeah.

Hey, ask him a question for me, will you?

What?

Ask him why he comes in a rat hole like this

when there's such a nice place down the street

like the Golden Spur.

He says the other place doesn't have a Titian.

Oh.

What the heck's a Titian?

Uh...

That's a Titian. He says it's a rare work of art.

If this is a real work of art,

it's worth an awful lot of money.

What am I telling you for?

Well, maybe it's because you're turning honest.

Yeah, but I can't make any money that way.

There's some funny things happening out there on the porch.

Never... never mind the porch.

Is he-is he sure?

- He's sure. - We did it!

Hey, Joe!

We're rich.

About the porch.

Take a hike, you...

How... how much is it worth, huh?

- Whoo! - Ooh.

That's... That's the Greely's fortune...

but I gave it away.

To me and I threw it away.

Will somebody hit me with a stick.

Hey, Jamie! Jamie, come here.

Come here. Come here.

- What about the porch? - Never mind the porch.

Take a look at that picture and get some culture in you, boy.

Is the naked lady famous?

Have some respect, Jamie.

Not only is she famous, she's a piece of art.

W... what's he saying?

It don't make no difference. You just pay attention.

Mr. Cartwright, you've got four minutes to sell your property.

Hoss? Joe?

Hey, hey.

Let's take it out there and show it to Pa.

He won't want to look at Miss Frost again, I'll tell you that.

Careful, careful, careful.

Pa, we ain't going to sell at all.

It's an authentic piece and it's worth more money

than we can even count.

If I'm not mistaken, that's the Titian

that was stolen on its way to the San Francisco Art Museum.

Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Cartwright,

but if this here is stolen property,

I'll have to take care of it.

Two minutes.

You'll just have to express my regrets to Miss Frost.

Fellas? Fellas...

- Not now, Ellen Sue. Not now. - Listen... Listen, we want to buy...

- Sold. - Sold.

We're opening a restaurant.

Yeah, veal parmesan and chicken cacciatore, and ravioli.

Never mind the menu.

We're offering $200.

He meant $25.

Sold. Give her the deed.

Oh, yeah.

There you go.

That's it.

You still had 45 seconds left.

Told you we wouldn't let you down.

Didn't take long to get the whole story.

This here painting was hijacked on its way

to the San Francisco Art Museum.

Been missing near ten years now.

I still can't believe it's worth all that money.

One doesn't think of art in terms of money, Mrs. Lucas.

Oh, goodbye fat lady.

Take a good look, Jamie.

You may never get a chance to see another great work of art like that.

Could... could you tell me something, Hoss?

Well, I ain't no expert, but I can try. What?

Well, I was just wondering

why is it that I couldn't look at the naked lady

when she was just a naked lady, and now all of a sudden

I can because she's a great work of art?

Well, that's simple, Jamie, because you see it's...

With a...

Hey, Joe, explain that to him, will you?

Oh, well it's a...

It's simple, when you put something

on a... on a...

You're... you're his father, why don't you tell him.

Well, Jamie, it's, uh...

Frenchy?