Original subtitles

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I'll go bring up this stuff. You try to stay out of trouble, huh?

- Yeah. How long you gonna be? - Oh, it'll take me about an hour.

Well, I'll see you over at the livery stable.

Good enough.

Oh, dear.

Here, ma'am, let me help you with that.

Hello. Are you the hotel porter?

No, ma'am. I was just passing by.

Oh. No matter.

After eight hours jouncing in that conveyance,

you're a proper sight for sore...

eyes.

- I'm ever so grateful. - My pleasure, ma'am.

Hope you enjoy your stay in Virginia City.

Oh, I'm sure I will. Oh, before you pop off.

Do you know where I might locate a boy to assist me father with his luggage?

Oh, here, I'll help him. Here.

- Oh. Thank you. - Yes, sir.

It's that last piece in the baggage boot that needs your kind attention.

- If you'll be good enough. - Yes, sir, I'll be glad to.

Look out.

Here now. Here.

Didn't I say that contained irreplaceable paraphernalia?

I say, old boy, would you carry it into the hostelry, careful like?

There's a good chap.

"And company?"

What kind of company are you with, Mr. Malcolm?

Why, me daughter, the beautiful Princess Natasha.

- Princess? - Exactly. Royal blood.

Her mum was a princess too. Indian, you know.

Indian?

- What tribe? - Hindu.

The inscrutable East and all that, you know.

That is why our lodgings must be in the rear.

Not only for privacy, but in order to face Mecca.

Oh, no, no, just a second.

Can't trust my paraphernalia to the careless help around here, Old Tiger,

so if you'll just hang on to that for a minute,

then you can ease it right down into our suite.

Top floor, back.

Excuse me.

Thank you. Come on, ducks.

Ooh! Fancy. Top floor. Must be a smashing view.

Yeah. It's gonna be a smashing climb, I can tell you that.

This is the heaviest dad-blamed parapha...

parapha... whatchamacallit I ever did tote.

You Yanks really like pulling a person's leg, don't you?

Huh! Yeah.

Bit of a climb, eh?

Well, here we are. 35.

Well, that's it.

Well, not bad digs, really.

Oh. Well above the bustle of the city.

- Mr. Malcolm. - Oh, dear old chap.

Just set that down there, would you? Gently now. Gently.

That's it. Easy. Gentle. Gently.

I...

Phew! Stout fellow. Very stout fellow, isn't he, daughter?

Quite.

Well, if... if you folks don't mind, I'll... I'll be running along.

Ta-ta.

Hey, it's a rabbit.

Don't worry, I got him. I got him right here under the hat. He's safe.

I thought I had him. He's gone.

That's funny, it's... it's like magic.

- It is magic. - It is?

Mm-hm. Father's a magician.

Malcolm the Magnificent at your service, sir.

Well, I'll be doggoned.

Wait till I tell old Joe and Hop Sing that I met a real professional trickster

- right in life. - Oh, well,

I would much prefer the title of illusionist or prestidigitator,

but feel free to impress your friends if you like.

After all, word of mouth never hurts, does it?

Now, remember, on the stage the Bucket of Blood, next Saturday night only.

And now, Princess, if you'll see the lad out while I unpack.

Oh, and for his invaluable assistance, arrange for him to see our performance.

Oh, that would be mighty nice of you.

I look forward to seeing you do some of them... some of them tricks.

And I'll be looking forward to seeing you again too, Princess.

- Jan. - Yes... Oh, I'm sorry.

Phew!

Uh... Just let her lay there in the barn and keep her warm.

And ram one of those down her throat if she gets restless.

We know she's good and healthy or she couldn't have come

- through the mauling she took. - Yeah.

That's got to be a pretty hungry mountain lion to try to chew filets off

- of anything as tough as Alice. - Yeah.

You know, I hate to say anything bad about any animal

drums up as much business as that lion has,

but yours is the third milk cow he's grabbed at the last three weeks.

- He got off with the other two. - Maybe Pa'll get him.

- Take it easy, Doc. - Yeah.

Uh, are you the doctor?

Oh, it all depends where you're hurt, ma'am.

Now, Joe, don't start prescribing without a license.

I'm Doc Dunkett, little lady. What was it that you was after?

After getting meself some proper liniment,

I saw your shingle and came up straight away.

We got all kinds of liniment. What's the ailment?

- Stiff legs, I'd call it. - Fore or hind extremity?

These aching extremities right here.

Well...

- That's a horse of a different color. - Horse?

- Say, what kind of doctor are you? - Horse.

Don't... don't spook, little lady, the doc here is a friend of man or beast.

Let's... let's take a look at the aching extremity.

It's all right, little lady, put your leg up there.

He's a wonderful doctor.

Try.

Here we go.

I'd say that limb was as sound as a dollar.

Mm.

I thank you both a tuppence for your thoughts.

- You say it feels stiff? - And sore, and cramped-like.

- Right here. - Sore and cramped...

Well, what you need is some liniment.

Oh, here, you...

you can get this at the pharmacy or the livery stable.

Just tell them that Doc sent you.

- There you go. - Thank you, how much do I owe?

- Oh, no charge. My pleasure. - Thank you.

- Oh, which way is the apothecary's? - Hm?

- Oh, uh, the druggist's? - Oh, the druggist.

I'll... I'll walk you down there. Be my pleasure.

- Good for you. Stretch your legs. - Oh.

Anyway, the... the miners chased that mountain lion,

that cat just doubled right back to them and killed their milk cow.

Well?

- Well, what, Pa? - I thought you boys would join me

- in a mountain lion hunt after supper. - Hm?

A mountain lion hunt?

Oh, I wish you would have asked me a little bit earlier, Pa, I...

I've got a date to meet somebody in town.

So have I. Yeah, you see, I... I told this...

this girl that I was gonna see her after supper.

You're... you're giving up a mountain lion hunt to see a girl?

Yeah.

Hey, she must be quite a girl. I'd like to meet her.

No you wouldn't, neither. She ain't your style.

Oh, really? Well, what... what style is she?

Well, she's got class, I mean, she's nice and refined and proper-like.

Well, it takes all kinds. Mine's hotter than a firecracker.

- Hey, can I have the surrey tonight? - Hey, wait a minute.

I was gonna use the surrey tonight.

Yeah, well, you should have asked for it a little bit earlier,

- 'cause I'm gonna use the surrey tonight. - Well, couldn't you both

- use the surrey? - Oh, Pa, ain't no way.

I mean, my girlfriend'd probably be embarrassed to be seen

- with anything Joe would go with. - Oh, really?

Well, I think it would probably be the other way around.

All right. I'll flip you for it.

I got a better idea, I'll Indian hand-wrestle you for it.

- All right, come on. - Boys. Boys. Boys.

For frontier accommodations, I'd claim this is top drawer.

And I'd claim I've slept in top drawers that was roomier.

Hardly more stretching space here than inside that suffering trunk.

Stop grousing and take your lumps like a sport.

Ooh! Listen to goody two-shoes.

Wasn't it enough that I did the grousing in the trunk all the way

- from New Orleans to Panama. - I'm seasick. I'm always queasy...

That's enough. Now, lower those voices!

Shut up!

Now, listen, Jan. Now, listen, Janice.

It's quite true, your sister is always queasy

when she's in the trunk during a storm at sea.

Well, I'm always bruised when some dull clod drops the flaming trunk

off the top of a stagecoach with me inside.

- I know, dear, but... - I will not ride...

- All right, darling. - Unless you promise it'll be handled

- with care. - I promise!

Still and all, the temporary hardships have always been rewarding,

haven't they?

Virginia City looks like a real piece of cake from here.

Yes, from here.

I'll size it up close-hand tonight when I steps out

- with the local chap I met this afternoon. - Not half you don't.

I had the morning in the trunk, and I'll have the evening...

- Now, girls. - That's not fair!

Girls, girls, girls!

Girls!

You know you can't possibly both go out tonight.

Why not decide ladylike?

- First ace wins. - Why don't we just wrestle?

- No. Girls! - First four wins Virginia City!

Now, girls. Girls!

Mr. Cartwright, as far as I know, the Malcolms are in,

- both Magnificent and his daughter. - Very good.

Listen, by the way, where can I get some flowers like that?

- Across the street at the undertaker's. - Thanks.

- The undertaker's? - Yes. Business has been slow.

- Poor fellow. He's overstocked. - Yeah.

Dad!

It's been decided, so let's hear no more, shall we?

Whichever girl is called upon first tonight, that's the one what slips out.

Excuse me, Father, but you'd better work on that trick.

This time you did it so well, I couldn't see how you did it.

Yes, you're right. Takes practice to become clumsy at the trade.

Could that be?

I thought you'd arranged for him never to contact us openly.

Wasn't his knock three quicks, then two slows?

- Who's there? - It's me. From this afternoon.

- Don't believe I caught the name. - Cartwright.

The gentleman what helped fetch me luggage?

No, the gentleman that helped stretch your legs.

Ta-ta.

Why couldn't I have had sons?

Yeah, the... the Bucket of Blood, but I don't think you'd like it.

Why not? Sounds like a smashing spot. Where is it?

Well, there's a family entrance right off of the lobby.

But I'll tell you, it is not family entertainment, it's just not for you.

Right off the lobby now? How thoughtful.

Yeah.

There we are.

I went to some expense getting these restrainers.

They're exactly like those the local sheriff uses, with one exception...

We've got the key to these.

Just hope we do better here than we did on that riverboat.

- Hello? - It's me, Mr. Malcolm.

Is your daughter, the princess, in?

- Who'd you say it was, Old Tiger? - No, sir, old Hoss.

Did you order an old horse?

I'm the one that brought your trunk up, remember?

Oh, yes. Yes, of course. Um, I thought we'd thanked you.

Oh, yes, sir, you did. But I thought maybe I'd show Miss Jan around.

That is, if she ain't tied up.

I say, old sport, would you mind waiting down in the lobby for half a mo?

- Ben, we're making a big mistake. - How's that?

Using that haunch of venison for bait.

The only thing that old lion has tackled lately is milk cows.

I'm not gonna use a milk cow for bait.

I didn't say we should, I only say we ain't getting anywhere this way.

And I'll just bet you a box of shells

that that old lion ain't within ten mile of here.

I'll take that bet.

What bet?

- Mr. Cartwright? - Oh!

- I'm sorry about that. - What... About what?

Princess Natasha, Jan.

Locked into one of those situations she couldn't possibly wriggle out of.

- You understand. - Oh, yeah, sure.

She asked if you would present yourself on the morrow instead.

In the meantime, I would like to buy the bitters.

- The bitters? - The innkeeper gave me to understand

there was a convenient pub. Shall we?

Oh, yeah.

The decor looks to me a little Indian.

I was there during one of the uprisings. They poisoned all the wells.

Got myself a pretty tough shot, huh?

Well, knowing nothing whatsoever about billiards,

it still seems to me that if you put a little English on the cue ball,

the eight ball would go into the corner pocket

and the 12 ball would go into the... the side pocket

and the cue ball would go all the way around the table

and sink the 14 for good measure.

Jan, it's not that easy.

See, the 12 ball is frozen against the cushion,

- the eight ball's frozen on the... - Come on, play now and explain later.

Unless of course you want the girl to take that shot for you.

- Very funny. - All right.

Let's see if you're as free with your money

as you are with your tongue, Mr. Sore Loser.

You want to bet your gent can make that shot?

I want to wager a bob, even I can make it.

I don't bet with no woman.

Then how about betting with me?

Look, Rankin, I already paid you for my lesson in poker.

You can't stack pool balls like you deal bottom cards.

Fellas, it's my shot.

I say you're a loser in anything you try, friend.

And if you claim the little lady can't put the eight ball in the corner pocket,

I'll just bet you 50 silver eagles she can do it.

You got yourself a bet, Rankin.

- Hey, now wait a minute! - Yes.

Anybody else?

Let my gentleman friend have some of that bet. Excuse me.

- Jan, I really... - Would you? Thank you.

- Do you want ten of this? - Oh...

- Twenty. - Sure.

- Honey, that was a heck of a shot. - Thank you.

Gentlemen.

Pay me.

- Two more bitters here, please. - What?

Oh, you know, ale.

No more... until I hear the clink, clink, clink.

You haven't paid for the first round yet.

Bernie, I'll get 'em and I'll get the next one too.

I wouldn't hear of it. These drinks have been paid for.

Are you trying to dead-beat me?

Mr. Malcolm, I think...

My poor misguided friend.

Don't you remember, I laid the money on the bar and you tucked it in your nose?

You were saying?

I was saying you owe me for the drinks. What's this?

Well, that's half a crown, British coin of the realm.

- It's no good here. - I was afraid of that.

That's... that's all right, Mr. Malcolm. Bernie, I'll get 'em.

And much more too.

Oh, Mr. Cartwright, if you insist. Thank you.

I'll have the same.

Well, I never heard of no lady shooting pool and rolling dice.

Oh, really? What'd you and your girlfriend do for fun,

go look at the statue of General Bernie Epstein?

Or did you go all out and visit the old Indian burial ground?

I minded my own business, little brother.

Just like I'm gonna do today when I've got the surrey.

Fine. But if you're gonna court that little lady in broad daylight,

if I were you I'd take her to Wishing Creek.

At least that way she can wish for something exciting to happen.

- Oh, hi, Pa. - Good morning.

- You just get in too? - No, I... I was just leaving.

- Oh, I could use some of that. - Did you get that big cat?

Mm. Kept hearing it all night, never saw it.

Oh. Listen, saw old Staly coming in.

Said that cat got one of his milk cows last night.

The way that cat gets around is like magic.

Magic... Oh, listen, if you'll excuse me, Pa, I've got to see somebody.

See you later.

- Well, how was your outing, Joseph? - Mm. Just fine.

I guess you could say I came out ahead of my game.

How about some breakfast?

Yeah.

- Who is it? - Mr. Cartwright.

- Cartwright? Joe! - Janice, who's at the door?

Stay out of sight, Jan, it's my caller.

Didn't expect to see you so early, Mr...

Mr. Cartwright?

Yes'm, your pa told me that you were temporarily indisposed last night,

and that you'd see me on the morrow, and this is the morrow, ain't it?

Oh, yes. Well, caught me temporarily indisposed again, haven't you?

Uh...

Just about to pop in me bath, I was, as you can see.

Yeah, I... you want me to wait down in the lobby, I reckon?

Would you? I'll be down in...

I know, I know, half a mo.

Mr. Cartwright?

That's the beatingest dang thing I ever did see.

I reckon that must be the fastest half a mo anybody ever did scrub and tub in.

Didn't want to waste a precious second.

- Any thought to where we might go? - Oh, I've been giving it

some serious thought, ma'am. Some real serious thought.

You know, Virginia City's a pretty good size town.

There's a lot of cultural things a lady like you ought to see,

like maybe General Bernie Epstein's statue

or the Indian burial ground or... or maybe the Wishing Creek.

Sounds smashing.

Then Wishing Creek it'll be.

Giddyup! Giddyup!

No, Elsa, no! That's the right card.

Now, look, if you insist on doing the trick correctly, you'll ruin everything.

You know I wouldn't contact you if anyone was following me.

Hello, Elsa. Where are your other two birds?

Shh! Keep your voice down. Janice is in there catching 40 winks.

And Jan's seeing the sights with some local toff.

- I saw Janice last night. - I know you did. I know you did.

And I expect a cut of the boodle you made betting on her.

Here, you can add it to this when you bet it all against me tomorrow night.

You sure you can pull your trick off with the sheriff watching?

Suppose your hand is not quicker than the eye of the law.

Confidence, dear old boy, confidence.

It's in the bag.

Or rather, shall we say... in the trunk?

Well, here we are. Come on in.

When we started out, you said Wishing Creek.

Yeah, well, we're going to Wishing Creek, but this is on the way.

It won't take but just a minute.

You mentioned something about your father being here.

Yeah, you'll like him too. Hey, Pa! Pa!

Come on down! There's somebody I want you to meet!

- He's not here. - No, he ain't. That's funny.

He was out hunting a mountain lion all night last night.

And there was a Chinese cook, I believe.

Yeah, Hop Sing. I'll get him. Hop Sing!

Hey, Hop Sing!

Hop Sing?

He's not here either.

He ain't. That's funny.

But I'll get something to eat if you're hungry.

No, thanks.

And I don't want anything to drink either.

Fine. Why don't you just make yourself...

I... I think we'd better go to Wishing Creek.

Yeah. Wait, let me get this rifle, I wanna show you this rifle.

- You did say rifle? - Yeah. What'd you think I said?

Etchings.

I just want you to take a look at this.

Here, you can hold it and take a look at it.

No, thanks. I'd rather you held it.

This old Injun that I got this off of claims he got it off an Englishman.

See, there's his crest, right there. That's his coat of arms.

Say, that's fascinating.

I thought you'd be interested, you being an Englishman and all.

Well, reckon we'd better be off to Wishing Creek.

Is that all?

Yes'm, that... that's it.

There really aren't any etchings?

No, ma'am, I ain't got no etchings.

Look, I...

I think we better be on our way to Wishing Creek, don't you reckon?

I reckon so.

- You all right? - I'm beginning to wonder.

Doggone it, Miss Jan, I just got to tell you one more time

how sorry I am about your falling into the creek and losing your shoe and all.

You should have put your arm around my waist to steady me

when we were crossing those slippery rocks.

Oh, ma'am, I couldn't do that.

- This is only our first date. - Oh, that does make a difference.

So I guess it could have happened to anyone.

It wouldn't happen to just anybody.

It wouldn't happen to my little brother, Joseph.

He's the good-looking member of our family.

Yes, I know.

Bless you. When did you see him?

Oh. Just last night.

Oh... So you were out with him last night?

Well, that figures.

There ain't nothing pretty ever misses them big brown eyes of his.

You've got nice eyes too, Hoss.

They're blue.

Baby blue is my favorite color.

- Oh. Sure now? - Uh-huh.

Hey, I'll tell you what, tomorrow we'll do something really romantic.

We'll go out to the Indian burial ground.

They got skulls, bones and everything.

- Sounds smashing. - Come on.

Ma'am, I... I'll see you tomorrow. Good day.

That's why you didn't tell me you was courting that Malcolm gal.

Well, why me? You could have done the same thing, you know.

Besides, I didn't figure she was your type.

What do you know about her type?

Nice, refined, delicate lady like that. Soft.

You've got to be kidding. Soft? You call that girl soft?

Well, I can tell you this, little brother,

when I held her in my arms she was as soft and limp as a down pillow.

Is that right? Well, how come when I held her in my arms

she had muscles as hard as sourdough biscuits?

Well, sure, she was tensing up against you, but she melts for me.

- Oh, that's funny. - Hey.

- Who are you talking about? - Jan Malcolm, Pa.

Oh?

You both courting the same young lady?

Mm-hm. Yeah. We didn't know it at first, but we do now.

She must be quite a young lady to keep you both on the string.

She's just wonderful, Pa. Besides that, she's from out of town.

She's from England, Pa.

- Well, she's also from India. - That's out of town.

Tell you one thing about her,

she can handle a pool cue or a deck of cards like a riverboat gambler.

Yeah, but she can... she can play a harp, paint cameos,

write poetry, all that sort of stuff.

Yeah, well, she knows all the salty sea shanties that have ever been sung.

She can quote the Bible, scripture and verse.

She's the most talented person I ever heard of.

Yeah. Well, she ought to be, you know, her father's a magician.

- A magician? - Yeah, the... what...

- Magnificent Malcolm. - Of course.

I heard there was an illusion show in town this week.

Yeah, it's... it's tonight, Pa. And I've been invited as her guest.

What?

- I have been invited as her guest. - Oh, really?

Well, I have been invited as her guest.

- What? - I said I have been invited

- as her guest. - Ooh, this young lady

is gonna be very busy tonight.

Keep sawing, boys. Keep sawing.

Wouldn't you think that out of a town of several thousand pigeons,

me bright daughters could pick out a pair that wasn't brothers?

Listen, Jan and I picked the Cartwright boys like apples pick a farmer.

Oh, well, small moment.

What those blokes don't know can't hurt us.

As a matter of fact, their rivalry might help.

Yes. That's right.

Love may be blind, but it's always positive.

Yes, and after the Cartwrights certify the miraculous teleportation...

One of you into the trunk. Come on.

- No! - Don't muck about.

One of you get inside. For heaven's sake.

- Oh, come in, come in, old chap. - Howdy, Mr. Malcolm.

Howdy, Miss Jan. It's me again.

Yes, of course. I recognized you right off.

I... I brung you a little replacement for that item you lost this morning.

- Really? - Yeah.

How considerate. What was it I lost again?

Your left boot.

Size four and a half, triple A.

Four and a half, triple A?

That's the exact size. I knew that because you left the bill of sale there

with the bootmaker when you bought them.

- Try them on. Yeah. - Well, I...

- You just slip right into it. - That's right, Jan. Ease it on.

Yeah.

Uh, here, let me give your dainty little foot a helping hand.

Oh!

Oh!

Doggone, Princess, if I didn't know you was Cinderella...

I'd swear you was one of the evil step sisters.

There. Now, how's that feel?

That's snug. Thank you. Very snug.

Yeah, well, that's the way it's supposed to feel. Come on, try it. Here.

Walk on it.

There you go.

- Comfortable? - Yes.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I got to get over to the barbershop,

and get ready for your performance tonight.

- Jolly good show. - Oh, I bet it is.

I'm really looking forward to getting really fooled.

Yes, we'll try our best.

- Yeah. - Here, let me show you exactly

where your table will be.

Ta-ta.

Oh, yes, ma'am, and ta-ta to you too.

Jan!

Quick, take your boot off me aching feet.

Get... get it off!

- Oh! - Janice? Joe.

Oh! Uh, be there straight away.

- Hi. - Hm?

I was just passing by, I thought I'd stop over and say hello.

Hey, let me help you on with that boot.

Oh, don't trouble yourself.

- Oh, don't be silly, no trouble at all. - I'll manage.

Here, sit right down there. Hey, that's kinda cute.

Give me your foot.

Get this on in a jiffy, on that beautiful little foot of yours.

- Mm! - They kind of really make them tight,

- don't they? - Oh!

Did you hear that?

- Nice shooting, Ben. Dead center. - Yeah.

Now we can let those milk cows out to pasture.

- Hurry it up, ducks. - I'm hurrying, Dad.

I'm hurrying.

All right?

I wish you'd hurry up and get me out of here.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Virginia City is proud to welcome the world's most renowned necromancer,

doctor of oriental occultism,

and acme of abracadabra, the Magnificent Malcolm!

Ladies and gentlemen,

or as they say in the mysterious East, sim sala bim.

Before I begin my phantasmagoria of incomprehensible feats,

I will materialize from the thin atmosphere

my magical walking stick.

Are you ready?

Uh, one, uh, two, uh, three.

Ah! Thank you.

I thank you.

And now... and now, I would like to introduce my assistant,

the pulchritudinous Princess Natasha.

Mm!

I wonder what she's gonna do, recite poetry or play the harp?

Oh, please. Please, ladies and gents,

your kind indulgence, I beg of you.

I will now attempt to prove the impossible.

Not only will I cut this ordinary piece of cord into two halves,

I will miraculously restore them into one again.

Are you ready?

Abracadabra.

For my next feat, I use a cone made from a ordinary newspaper,

and a pitcher filled to the brim with wholesome milk.

Behold.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

a illusion for which I was awarded these medals,

after flabbergasting the crowned heads of Europe.

I will, without the aid of moisture or fertilization,

cause this beautiful example of nature's handiwork

to grow 15 feet before your very eyes

on the count of three. Are you ready?

One...

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

I will prove to you that the hand is quicker than the eye

with this ordinary pack of playing cards

and this small but deadly weapon. Are you ready?

Oh!

If at first you don't succeed...

Remain calm. There is no danger to human life or limb.

Please, please, I must have your undivided attention

if I am to be successful with this next experiment.

And we must ask for our money back if you ain't!

Curtain, please.

The most difficult part of this feat

is finding a honest man who will guarantee its authenticity.

I suggest to you that here are two young men of impeccable honesty...

Hoss and Joe Cartwright.

Come on! Go on!

And now, I should like the sheriff to join these two men on the stage.

And now, our two volunteers will tie the Princess Natasha.

Gentlemen, if you will pay attention.

They will tie the Princess Natasha so that she is absolutely immovable.

Tie her securely, lads.

Splendid. Splendid.

And now, Sheriff, if you please.

Use your handcuffs to lock the princess' royal wrists in front of her.

Here you are, Princess. It won't hurt much.

And now, place the captive princess into cabinet number one.

I thank you.

Lower her.

And now, me lad, if you will place this black hood over her precious head.

I thank you.

Very, very good.

Now, we will close cabinet number one.

Chain it and padlock it securely.

Now, that is it. Splendid. Securely now.

Thank you.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

my three incorruptible witnesses will accompany me

to the opposite side of the stage

and to cabinet number two.

I thank you, gentlemen.

And now, kind friends, I must insist upon a deathly hush,

for what I'm about to do not only flies in the face of logic,

it also defies the laws of gravity,

inertia and metabolism.

Are you ready?

On the count of three, I am going to teleport our captive Princess Natasha

from cabinet number one across the stage

into and inside cabinet number two.

- No! You can't do it! - Whom says I can't?

I do, and this $500!

Mr. Rankin, this is not a riverboat.

And this charlatan is no magician.

I'll bet $500 he can't do what he says he can do

with all you good people watching.

All right, chum. You've stung me professional honor.

You've got a bet, and anyone else of your doubting Thomas friends

who wants to wager, I will gather all bets.

And our hotel manager will pass amongst you collecting the money,

while our good sheriff keeps a tally.

Rudy, how about 15?

Ten bucks more.

So be it.

Sim sala boo, alakazoo, alakazam,

sim sala bam.

Princess, have you rematerialized?

Yes, I have.

Mr. Cartwright, if you will.

Hey...

I thank you!

And now, gentlemen, if you will lower the princess once again.

Wait a minute, how do we know it's the same girl?

Take the hood off!

Mr. Cartwright, if you please.

And now, gentlemen, if you will lower our Princess Natasha

back into cabinet number two, replace the hood.

And now, please close once more cabinet number two.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I will teleport our captive princess

from cabinet number two back into cabinet number one.

Sim sala bam.

Sim sala boo.

Sheriff, if you'll be so kind as to release cabinet number one.

The key.

Ah, thank you.

Gentlemen, if you will.

I thank you.

Take off her hood.

I ain't gonna believe it till I see with my own eyes.

Gentlemen, if you please.

Hey, you dropped this.

I thank you.

I appreciate that.

- Malcolm? - Yes, Mr. Cartwright?

Your daughter lost an earring.

Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please.

It was never my intention to keep your money.

I simply wanted to prove to you the folly

of betting against a professional trickster.

And now, Sheriff, if you will.

I thank you.

Let me get that rope off you.

I thank you.

Mr. Rankin, you're gonna find that Arizona is a much healthier climate

for your throat.

My throat hasn't given me any trouble.

You just come back to Virginia City again and it will.

And as for you, Mr. Malcolm, make sure that our Nevada sun never sets

on your part of the British Empire again.

Exactly how far is Carson City? Never mind.

- I kinda hate to say goodbye. - Yeah, but I... I reckon we got to.

- Yeah. - Lots of luck.

- Yeah. - It's been fun knowing you.

I got yours.

Ha! Yah! Ha!

Ha!

- Ta-ta. - Ta-ta.

- Ta-ta. - Ta-ta.

- Ta-ta. - Ta-ta.

Got the wrong one.

- Ta-ta. - Ta-ta.

Ta-ta!

Ta-ta!

Ta...

So long, girls!

- Yeah, we'll see you. - Let's go get a beer.

Yeah, why not?

Ah! Hey, Pa.

- Hey, Pa, how's it going? - Oh, fine. They said you'd be in here.

- How'd the lion hunt go? - Oh, good. We got him.

- Did you? How big was he? - 110 pounds.

- Is that right? - Oh, he was a big one.

Uh, tell me, I've been thinking about what...

what's been happening between you two.

It's been sort of on my mind, you know, that...

that gal you were both sparking, what...

You mean Malcolm the Magnificent's daughter?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Gal who can shoot pool quote the Bible and play the harp

and sing sea shanties, why, it's not somebody you forget in an awful hurry.

Well, as it turns out, Pa, she wasn't just a she.

- What? - What he's trying to say is that

she couldn't do all the things we thought she could do.

- Oh. - Yeah. You know how she acted

like two opposite gals?

Because she was two opposite gals.

- Yeah. Twins. - Twins.

Twins...

- Really put one over on us, huh? - That was why it was so confusing.

Twins. No wonder.

That... that's about the whole story. Why don't you finish my beer.

Pardon me, ma'am. My... my name is Joe Cartwright, I...

Howdy, ma'am.

- Bye. - So long. So long, ladies.