All language subtitles for [SubtitleTools.com] The.Monkey.2025.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

Hi there.

Hey.

You know, you've got a fair
amount of blood on you there, sir.

Oh.

Huh.

Yeah, it's not even mine.
It was just this...

Never mind.

Hey, listen, I...

need you to take
this thing off my hands,

just make it someone
else's problem, you know

I mean, I thought
my boys were gonna love it,

but, uh...

Let me tell you, man,

they will not.

No, it's not, uh...

a toy.

So...

just don't ever
call it that.

It's a, uh...

It's...

Actually, I don't
know exactly what it is.

Besides, it appears
to be broken.

See, the drumstick seems
to be stuck in the up position.

You do not want...

the goddamn drumstick
to come down.

Okay?

Because when it does...

I promise you,
we are all...

fucked to hell.

Okay?

Woah.. Oh...

Okay...

Well, sir,

can't speak for you, but,

heh,

I don't feel especially
fucked to hell.

Hot dog.

Who's smiling now,
you infernal son of a whore?

Yeah!

I don't know if
every father passes some

secret horror onto his kids.

But mine sure did.

My name is Hal Shelburn.

This is me
and my twin brother, Bill.

Well, this is us
before everything.

Bill was the kind of kid
who would, "say shake on it,"

but then pull his hand back
and pretend to slick his hair.

He was older than me
by three minutes

and ate most of
my mom's placenta.

So that made him
my "big" brother.

A role he took seriously.

and treated me like shit
whenever he got the chance.

I've been
meaning to tell you...

Mom says he hates you
because you made dad leave,

and now she has to go on dates.

But I managed
to love him anyway,

even if I did sometimes
fantasize about being an only child.

I hate you, Bill Shelburn.

My mom raised us on her own

for as long as she could,
at least.

And my mom,

well, I can remember her
perfectly like it was yesterday.

Your father...

Well, your father went out
for a pack of cigarettes

and never came back.

Just made like an egg...

and...

scrambled.

And sure, sure, I could have
been one of his stewardesses,

but, of course the deadbeat
never took me anywhere.

He just brought back

Swiss cuckoo clocks and...

bonsai trees.

Knickknacks and souvenirs

to stuff our closet full.

And one day, my darling boys,

all that horse shit
will be yours.

We know my mom thought
it was a bunch of junk.

But...

for Bill and me,

Dad's closet was full of clues
to who he was.

There she is.

Old deadbeat's disguise.

The hell's that thing from?

Paris, France or something?

It says, "Organ Grinder Monkey."

"Like Life."

You mean "lifelike," dumbshit.

Oh.

What?

Hey, give me that thing.

Here.

You think this does junk
if I turn this?

Don't Bill, it's Dad's.

Dad's gone, fuckface.

And I'm next of his kin,
so legally,

everything in here's mine.

Stupid thing's broken anyway.

Don't come in our room,
dumbshit.

Shotgun, obviously.

Christ, what's worse
than a blind date?

I'd rather take my chances

and kiss a goddamn frog
and see what happens.

Okay, boys!

Uh, no soda
after you brush your teeth,

and no fires,

and no video games
because of the last fire.

I tried to tell them no fires,

but these boys
are nothing but willish.

Thank you,
babysitter Annie.

I'll be home by midnight.

Okay, boys,

I've got only
one rule for tonight.

Keep your hands off
the hot parts of the table.

Okay?

I'll try, but...

I'm just a man.

Bill, knock it off.

Holy sh--

Maybe an experience like that
could have brought me and Bill closer.

But it turned out one freak tragedy
wasn't gonna be nearly enough.

Fuck.

How is her head still together?

Shh, shh, shh.

Don't think about it too much.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, today.

We're here
with Annie Wilkes.

Uh, gone...

by accident

rather, uh, in an accident,

because, you know,
there's no accidents.

Um...

Is there a divine plan?

Sure, you know,

uh...

maybe.

Call it a coin toss,
you know, heads or tails, heh.

But not Annie's head, because...

that is...

uh, separate.

That's a separate issue.

Uh...

You know, why her?

Though.

Right?

Why Annie?

Why not you?

Or you?

Everything for a reason, yeah.

Totally.

And uh...

It is what it is.

Uh...

It is what it is.

The word of the Lord.

Everything is an accident.

Or nothing is an accident.

Either way, same thing.

It's not if...

or even how.

It's only when.

Everybody dies.

And that's life.

I'll die.

And you...

will both die.

And all of your friends
and their parents

and all of their pets
and everybody.

Some of us peacefully
in our sleep.

And some of us...

horribly,

violently,

tied up
with clothesline, and...

screaming through
duct tape over our mouths

and all that jazz.

And to hell with it.

Come on, let's go dancing.

It might have been
on the day of the funeral,

but that probably was
the happiest day of my life.

It's funny how quickly
that can change.

Hey, kid.

Your brother says
your dad left your mom.

Lit out to Paris,
France, to buy cigarettes

'Cause you're a big fat baby
who cried all the time.

And, man,
don't your mom deserve better?

I mean, don't she?

- Um...
- so I guess that means

your mom would be wearing
the pants in the house now, huh?

I think that's
how it works, yeah.

Aw, but...

see, you're wearing pants.

And two people
can't be wearing

the pants in the house
at the same time.

So, looks like you got yourself
a bit of a pants problem, kid.

Honey, I'm making PB&J.

How am I?

Oh, I'm great!

I love slaving over
my two sons all day long.

Mom!

Yeah?

Why'd you put
Dad's weird monkey in our room?

You know I don't go
in there anymore

since I found that stiff sock.

Oh, yeah.

You didn't have anything to do

with my babysitter's head,
right?

That'd be like--

Yo!

You really got
the hots for that thing, huh?

I don't.

It's all good.

You can have it, but...

all you gotta do is
say you wanna marry it.

But I don't wanna marry it.

Say, "I wanna be
Mrs. Stupid Monkey."

I wanna be Mrs. Stupid Monkey.

Now say...

"I wanna suck its banana."

No, Bill, no.

Say it, or I'll eat the rest
of your placenta, bitch!

I wanna suck its banana.

Alright.

We have a deal.

You have the monkey.

Idiot.

Between the ages
of twelve and fifteen,

the penis takes on
a life of its own

and becomes sensitive to
physical and emotional horseplay.

Around this time,

the opposite sex becomes
both appealing and horrifying.

Yo, Mrs. Torrance!

Hal Shelburn's jerking
his monkey under his desk!

Honey, I'm making devil's food.

I don't fucking want any!

Language!

Who talks to their
mother like that?

What are you,
a sailor in a shipyard?

You.

It's because of you
that deadbeat Bill did this to me.

You know who I'm talking about,
don't you?

That asshole kid
who lives in here with me.

That's Bill.

You wanna know something else?

I wish Bill was dead.

Hey Mom, you home?

Is dinner ready?

Mom?

Mom?

You're not even making it yet?

What the fuck?!

Mommy!

The doctors called
what happened to my mom

a boomerang aneurysm.

But I was the only one
who knew what it really was.

They said chances of it happening
were one in forty-four million.

And that's just
another way to say

It has to happen to somebody.

And that's how it works.

You turn the key
and the drumsticks go up.

They come down again when
it chooses who it wants to kill next.

It doesn't take requests.

It kills who it wants
when it feels like it.

And it doesn't owe you
an explanation.

It's true
what it says on the box.

It's just like life.

Uh...

Son, perhaps it's best--

Shut up!

Hey, Mom!

Mom, wake up!

Mom?

Ha ha ha!

Mom, that's a funny joke.

Mom!

Wake up.

Okay, you can keep talking.

Oh...

You know, your Aunt Ida
and your Uncle Chip...

never wanted kids.

Nah.

Always just kind of preferred
a life where you sit down

and you don't stand up
again until you want to.

Also, we're swingers, but...

Oh, well.

And I want you to know...

we're gonna do our very best
with you boys.

It's just that our very,
best might be, uh...

pretty bad.

Fuck!

What the fuck?

I put the pieces
in a garbage bag

and made sure
it got on the garbage truck.

And I assumed that would be
the end of it.

But after that,

Bill and I were never the same.

I mean, we looked the same
because we were twins,

and, well, you know what I mean.

Aunt Ida and Uncle Chip
picked up Bill and me

and moved us to Maine.

And I guess I hoped we'd left
the worst of it behind us.

You going take off
your suit, Bill?

If I take it off,
then I'll have to put it back on

as soon as there's
another funeral.

But if I don't take it off,

then I won't have
to put it back on.

So there won't be
any more funerals.

Sleep tight, you two.

Here comes trouble,
here it comes!

Why the hell
did you bring it?

I didn't. I chopped it up.

Don't look chopped up to me.

I'm telling you, Bill,

it's a bad monkey.

It's a bad, magic,
killer monkey.

You think it killed
Babysitter Annie?

Maybe.

Probably, I don't know.

I was going to marry that girl.

I knew you would, Bill.

We should try it on purpose
to see if anyone else we know dies.

No, no, we shouldn't.
I mean, what if he gets one of us?

Then I promise to pretend
to be sad when you're dead.

Yeah, me too.

You think it could kill the
person who turns the key or not?

How the hell should I know?

You think Mom turned it?

I'm gonna try it.

Don't, Bill--

It was a hunting accident,

but not the usual kind.

Uncle Chip was trampled by a
stampede of sixty-seven wild horses

in his sleeping bag
on a camping trip.

I overheard the undertaker say
that when they dumped the body out,

it looked like someone
had drop-kicked a cherry pie.

I don't mind much
that Uncle Chip's gone.

He was kind of an asshole.

I just mind more that
I feel pretty good it wasn't me.

But it's gotta be done,
you know?

To keep it away from the people
who might feel really good about using it.

Like the Nazis, and Russians,

and Iran-qis and whatnot.

We knew that
it couldn't be destroyed,

so we hoped
that we could maybe contain it.

Just get rid of it.

Make it go the fuck away.

And for a long time, anyway,

it really seemed like it had.

I haven't seen the monkey
since we threw it down the well,

but it feels like only a matter
of time before it comes back.

This is me today.

I pretty much lost
all contact with Bill,

and I'm good with that.

He was kind of
an asshole anyways.

I don't have any friends,

and I do my best
to stay away from family,

for fear that
if the monkey returns,

it'll kill someone close to me.

But staying away from family,

Excuse me!

that's easier said than done.

Well, fuck your mother!

Hey, Dwayne.

Oh, man.
Come in, come in.

Oh, no, it's cool.
I gotta run early today.

I gotta pick up my kid.

Wait, you got a kid?

Shit, man, that sucks.

Does he live with you?

Uh, no. No, he doesn't.

But I get to see him
once a year,

so I'm taking him
to horror heaven.

Yeah.

Roller coasters, I guess.

Once a year?

Shit, man, that sucks.

I bet your ex-wife's some
type of mega bitch, huh?

Huh?

Oh, no, the once-a-year thing,
that was my idea.

It turns out I'm kind of
a bad influence, you know.

"Here comes trouble."

Who, you?

It's not like, you know,

I beheld a pale horse,
and on it was a pale rider

and the rider's name was...

You know, Death.

But, uh...

Yeah, there has been some death.

Shit, man, that sucks.

Pff! Jet skis, Come on.

Douchebag.

"Love... Hal."

Fuck.

Feel that parental energy...

transferred from you to me.

Petey's been asking about you
more and more, Hal.

And it's breaking our hearts.

About me?

What about me? Why?

Because you're his father.

And he's doing
a family tree school project.

And like it or not,
you're one of the branches.

Look, I...

I care about Petey. I do.

Like, I...

I care about him a lot.
Like, a lot.

Lot.

Just now, when we were
on the couch together,

I took your power.

Whoa, whoa., whoa, I never said
you could take my power.

It doesn't matter anymore.

Ted has decided
to legally adopt Petey.

What?

And once
the adoption's finalized,

it won't be necessary
for you to see Petey at all.

But you can't just do that.

He can't just do that.

As the leading expert
in my field,

can't I?

Listen,

you and Petey
have this time.

So just...

take the week,

lock in some nice memories,

and then cleanly cut it off.

Like a vestigial tail.

That's what you want,

- isn't it?
- No.

It's not what I want.

I want to spend time with Petey.

It's just, you know...

Vestigial.

It means something
that has become functionless

and as a result
is no longer necessary.

- I know what it means, Ted.
- I'm sure you do.

I do.

Well, I have your power, so...

Well, I peed in one of
your bushes on the way in, so...

Well, this is the part where
I suggest that we arm wrestle.

What?

Arm wrestle for what?

For all the marbles.

And by marbles, I am, of course,
referring to your little balls.

- My--
- Hey.

Honey.

Oh, Petey.

Hey.

Hey, buddy.

What are you guys talking about?

What do you mean it reminds
you of your dad?

You talking
about the shit-eating grin

or the hairy back and arms?

Did you ever
wonder where he is?

Dad, I mean.

Baby,

that ain't worth it.

But if you're really
looking for an answer,

I'd have to go with either...

at a card table
or under a hooker.

Ah, sick Ma, come on.

Gross.

Hey, Beauchamps, honey.

You want a drag?

But are you still thinking, uh,

selling that monkey thing to
the nut who never leaves his house?

I mean, have you ever
even met this guy face to face?

Sounds like a real
fucking pervert to me.

So, do you have
any brothers or sisters?

Is that your family tree thing?

What gave it away?

Okay.

So, um...

brothers, sisters?

Yes, no?

Uh...

no.

No to both?

Yeah, no, neither.

Only child...

just like me.

And, uh, what's your mom's name?

Um...

Lois.

My mom's name is...

Lois.

Hey, uh... Oof.

It's getting kind of late, darn.

I should get you some, uh,
some dinner, huh?

Only if you want me to, like...

survive.

Cool.

Everybody dies,

and that's life.

Your brother says
your dad left your mom.

Lit out to Paris, France,

to buy cigarettes 'cause you're
a big fat baby who cried all the time.

Say it, or I'll eat
the rest of your placenta.

I promise to pretend
to be sad when you're dead.

What the fuck?!

Christ.

What the fuck?

Hello.

Well, hello, dumbshit.

Bill.

Can't be the only person
who calls you dumbshit.

How did you know
how to reach me, Bill?

I haven't heard from you
in, what, five years?

Haven't seen you in, like ten?

Nine and eleven,
and those are just numbers.

The police gave me yours.

What do you mean, the police?

I have news.

Aunt Ida is no more.

Oh, shit.

Well, I guess
she was kind of old.

Was she sick or something?

Well, actually,
it seems the old girl

was having somewhat
of a renaissance.

Putting her house on the market,
cleaning out her closet.

The nice young policewoman
I spoke to...

used the phrase,
freak accident.

Okay, and? what?

Someone has to go
through her belongings,

and you're the next of kin.

Technically,
you're the next of kin, Bill.

This is my week with Petey,
so no.

You're week? That's
all you get with your son.

Also, you're weak.

What do you want, Bill?

Go to Aunt Ida's house
and make sure "it" isn't there.

"It" is at the bottom of a well.

"It" can teleport
and you know it.

Why don't you bring
Petey along?

Let him see you
being brave for a change.

Jesus.

What do fathers
and their estranged sons

say to each other?

Road trip.

Why would it be
at Aunt Ida's anyway?

Because it attached itself
to our family and likes to kill us.

and I don't want to die,
and presumably

you don't want Petey
to die either.

What if I find it, huh?

What am I supposed to do,
drop it from a fucking plane?

It'll probably bounce!

No, you never let it out
of your sight again,

so no one turns the key.

Presumably you don't want
Petey to--

Stop talking about Petey.

The monkey
must be vanquished.

Why don't you vanquish it,
huh, Bill?

You're smaller, you go.

Bill, Bi--

Fuck!

Fuck!

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait!

Fuck! What the fuck?

Is that a leg? Fuck!

Okay, okay.

- Petey, wake up, come on.
- What?

We gotta go.

- Let's go. Let's go!
- What time is it?

What the fuck?

Hey, language.

And we gotta go, all right?

There was a thing outside.

It wasn't a thing.

It was a woman,
and either way, we gotta split.

All right? So come on, let's go.

It's the middle of the night.
Are you high?

No, I wish, Jesus Christ.

No, don't do that,
don't do drugs, I mean it, but

come on, let's go.
Hurry up.

I'm going to bed.

We gotta make like eggs
and scramble!

Hey, Petey, uh...

sorry about that.

It's just that
my Aunt Ida died,

and I gotta deal
with a lot of her stuff.

Can I ask you a question?

I'd really rather you didn't.

How'd your mom die?

Is this
for your family tree thing?

Because usually family trees
are about the whos and the whens,

not the...

whys and the, you know, how.

Was your aunt the one that
raised you after your mom died?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, she did.

Maybe you could, uh...

take me to your aunt's house
with you.

I could help you
with your stuff and you--

You're not coming
with me, Petey.

Why not?

Because it's depressing,
all right?

We were supposed
to go to a theme park,

not into, you know...

darkness and death.

I know about the adoption, Hal.

Oh.

And so you can either just...

cut me off, and cut this off,

or...

we can spend the rest of the

little time
that we have left together...

together.

I wonder which one
Lois would have chosen.

What are you doing
in here all alone now, Hal?

Or do I not want to know?

Just thinking, I guess.

Oh, yeah?

About what?

I don't know.

The future?

You got any advice?

Um...

well...

Take care of your teeth.

And take care of your gut.

Take life as it comes.

You know, the worst thing
you can do is try to force it.

But really, I think
that the most important thing

for you to remember is...

try not to kill
everybody around you.

Petey?

Petey?

Petey?

Hey, Petey, buddy?

Fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Check it out.
There's a place in town.

They do skydiving lessons.

I feel like it's one of those things

where you're either
really good at it or you aren't.

It only takes
one lesson to find out.

Hey, you're funny.

That's, uh...

that's funny.

Yeah?

Well, you're
kind of funny, too, Hal.

Oh, and they do weddings.

Hey, uh, do me a favor,
all right?

Wait in the car while
I deal with this.

What?

No way. I want to see
your old room

like they do in the movies.

No, Petey.

Why not?

Just because...

because I said so.

All right.

Fine.

Then I have to go number two.

What?

Why don't you go
at the motel?

There's a lot you don't know
about me, Hal.

For instance,

I'm one of those kids
that can only go poo in a house.

Are you being serious?

It's a tough bet to lose, Hal.

Jesus Christ.

Hi.

Hey there. Sorry.

Oh, window won't go down.

Yeah, okay.

Hey there.

- How are you?
- Hi.

I'm Barbara.

You must be Hal Shelburn.

Your brother Bill Shelburn
said you'd be coming.

Oh, yeah, right, right.

Uh, hi, Barbara. Yeah.

That brother Bill of yours
is quite the character,

isn't he?

Yeah.

Your brother Bill, I mean.

Yes, yes.
He's quite the character.

Yeah.

Wow, who's this little slugger?

Oh, this is my son Petey.

Oh!

Hello there.

Oh, no thanks, Barbara.

I'm just a kid
who doesn't buy many houses.

But I also didn't know
that I have an uncle.

So, yeah, thanks for that.

Um...

It's funny, because
I actually asked Hal

here if he had any siblings
yesterday.

- But he flat out lied to my face.
- Well...

But it's cool.

He's only going
to be my dad for, like,

a few more days anyway,

'cause he's being swapped
out for a leading expert.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well.

So no card, okay.

- No card, yeah.
- Let's see the house.

Were you and your aunt
very close?

Uh, sure. Very.

Uh, is this all her stuff?

I felt like she had more stuff.

Oh, well,
we did have that estate sale

the day after she died.

We had a great turnout, too.

We must have made over $100.

Right.

Now, let's see.

That would have been on Sunday,

because ever since Monday,

things have been
a bit messy around here.

Yeah, your aunt,
of course, was Monday.

And then, oh, Lord, first thing
Tuesday, it was Mitch McDonald.

And then Wednesday
was Burt Burgerson.

And then Nancy Rizzoli.

But there aren't any cobras
in Maine, I mean, are there?

Well, there was the one.

No, every day since Monday

at least one Casco local
has just... poof.

Sometimes
two, or three, or four,

or even five
Casco locals have just...

- poof and poof and poof!
- Okay.

Great, yeah, yeah, no,
I get it. Um...

Could we look
at the other closet?

It's this way, I think.

Absolutely, follow me.

Poof!

You're fucking twins?

You know, my mother
used to always say

whenever there was a plane crash

or a school bus going off
into the river

and mass fatalities
or what have you...

She used to always say,

"Looks like God's
bowling strikes tonight."

Oh, that's odd. I don't
remember locking this.

Hey, you wouldn't
have to remember if, uh...

my aunt had a wind-up
toy monkey at the yard sale.

No, I don't think so.

Oh, not a cherished
childhood memory now, was it?

Oh, a first little furry friend

filled with whimsy and wonder.

No, it's no big deal.

Okay.

Nope, not that one.

How are we doing
with that key?

Oh, don't you worry,
your pretty little head.

Oh, mercy,
did I say that out loud?

Watch out!

You are pretty, though.

You know what, um,

- I actually think we should go down and--
- Looks like I did my own

little process of elimination.

No, no, no, no, no!

Everything
okay up there?

Yeah, everything's fine.

Oh, fuck.

And you were just standing
there, hands to yourself.

Is that right?

Yeah, that's right.

And you knew there was a
gun in the house or not so much?

Uh, no.

Okay.

I'm gonna have to ask
you don't leave town

until we can figure
a few things out.

What? No, no, no, officer.

I promised my son that
I was gonna take him to Horror Heaven.

Actually, officer, we moved off
going to Horror Heaven.

This is obviously
far more important.

Smart kid.

Find a motel.

I'd say stay here, but it's
a goddamn mess in there.

I mean, have you actually
been up there?

It's like that restaurant...

Spaghetti City.

Hey, bud, you wanna go
wait in the car?

Yeah. That's your, uh,

favorite thing for
me to do anyway, isn't it?

Just stay away.

They're bringing
the body out!

Hello?

Hal Shelburn, please,
if he's available.

Bill?

Thank goodness.

And Petey?
Is he available, too?

Yeah, look,
we're fine, but, um...

The monkey's not here,

Aunt Ida had a
goddamn yard sale,

so it could've been, but now
it could be anywhere with anyone.

Well, that's not good.

That's bad.

Yeah, there's all kind
of shit happening in town,

people dying in not normal ways.

Police told me I can't leave.

Go to the motel.

Await my signal.

Await your fucking signal?!

Wait, Bill, where are you?

Bill, are you living in town?

Stupid.

Shelburn, Shelburn.

Nope.

Mrs. Monkey?

Hello.

If this is in regards to my ad,

I'm happy to report that
my quest for finding my

beloved toy monkey is over.

Thank you for calling,
and be safe out there.

At the very moment
you slipped from my fingers,

I suddenly knew the terrible
truths about everything.

That my dumbshit brother

had turned your key
and killed my mom.

So I went back to get you
as soon as I could.

But you were gone.

Leaving behind a sign
for me and only me.

That one day...

you'd be back.

And so I waited.

And for the longest time,

there was nothing.

A hundred percent, pure
medical-grade nothingness.

But then...

there you were.

Suddenly...

Everywhere I looked,
you were there.

As constant as the sun,
the moon, and the stars.

As if you had always been
looking down on me.

Letting me know what I had
always wanted to be true.

That you'd come back
to help me seek my revenge.

I returned to the places
where I thought you might be.

Foolishly believing that I could
make you appear again.

Fuck.

That it was I
who might find you again.

So I made myself ready
for your return.

Reworking my old
childhood funeral suit

in anticipation of...

well...

more funerals.

And so that I might once again

bear witness
to your terrible glory.

Fuck!

So I looked,

and behold, a pale horse,

and his name that sat on him
was Death.

Mrs. Monkey.

And now, here we are.

Together at last.

With only one thing left to do.

In your infinite wisdom

I trust your flaming sword
of righteousness,

will cut the foul air

and smite the right person.

And I know you know exactly
what I'm talking about.

Shit, man, that sucks.

Shit, man, that sucks!

What?

Um...

Uh, it's Ricky.

What is it?
I'm extremely busy.

Okay, yeah, so...

I hope this isn't weird,
but I was wondering,

you know, if maybe I could
give you your 15 bucks back

and instead I could just keep
the toy monkey thing.

It's not a toy,
don't ever call it that.

Right, yeah, no,
I thought the same thing too.

It just sort of makes me think
about my dad,

which I know
is kind of a weird thing

for, like, a guy to say, like,
to another guy.

Does it hurt very much
when you think Ricky?

- Well--
- Uh, uh, uh, well, well...

Did you know that twenty-seven
percent of all English-speaking people

will either say, "oh, shit"
or "holy shit" before they die?

Now, it's funny, because
death is the one big thing

that'll happen to all of us,

and yet we still can't help
but be somehow surprised by it.

Right on, man.

So anyways,

I saw your brother.

He looks like you.

With that's like, uh...

That's like,
your nephew, then, huh?

What if Petey
turned the key?

So, so, can I have it back?

Never.

I employed you to find the
monkey, not to fall in love with it.

Now fuck off.

Fuck you...

Hey, Ma, are you home
or are you at the factory?

Lousy deadbeat.

Yo, Beauchamps!

You got any extra bullets?

What caliber?

Hey, you still got some
of Barbara's blood on you?

Yeah.

Accidents happen.

Can I ask you a question?

Uh, nope.

You ever killed a man?

Jesus.

Does Mom know?

No, I haven't killed anybody.

Of course I haven't
killed anybody.

Look, when we get back
to the motel,

I'm gonna call your mom,

and I'm gonna tell her
what happened.

She'll think I'm
not safe to be around and

she'll be right.

So Ted will just adopt me and ...

you'll never have
to see me again?

You're better off with Ted,
all right?

Believe me.

Fuck you, man.

Hey, Petey.

Well, I'm here if you need me.

You just do your thing
in the bathroom, okay?

And if you wanna have a talk,

we can have a proper talk,
all right, buddy?

Yes?

It's me.

You have it, don't you?

I know, maybe.

Come on, Bill,
Mrs. Monkey.

I know you are, but what am I?

Stop turning the key.

Its arms aren't fucking
long enough or articulate enough

to reach back there itself,
so somebody has to.

And also, no.

Jesus fucking Christ,

Bill, these are innocent people.

Look, I...

I don't care about me.

All that matters
is that Petey is safe,

so stop turning it.

If you want me
to stop turning the key,

bring Petey to me
so he can turn it instead.

What?

No. Why?

The person who turns
the key never dies.

You've known that since
we were kids, haven't you, Hal?

What?

What are you talking about?

Where are you, Bill?

If you want Petey
to be safe,

all Petey has to do

is turn the key
and keep turning the key

forever and ever and ever,

and Petey will never die.

Listen to me,
Bill. All right?

Let me get Petey out of
here, then we'll talk, all right?

We'll figure out
what we're gonna do.

Either I keep turning
the key or Petey turns the key.

Call me back when
you made your decision.

W-wait, wait, wait, Bill, Bi--

Fuck.

Hey, Petey? Petey?

Hey, Petey?

Hey, buddy,
we gotta go, all right?

I gotta take you back
to your mom's.

Petey, open the door! Come on!

Petey!

Petey, open the door!

Come on, we gotta go right now!

Jesus Christ.

Don't have a heart attack.

Or do, you know?

You want out of my life so
bad it might just be a nice shortcut.

Petey what the fuck?

- Why didn't you answer the door?
- Why do you care?

Why would you even have a kid if

all you're gonna do is just
keep yourself away from me?

I didn't exactly know
what I was doing, alright?

I was just a stupid, dumb kid.

So I was an accident?
Is that what you're saying?

Everything is an accident, yes.

Wow.

Nice one.

Great to hear.

I... That's not what I...

Yes, it was an accident, Petey.

But you are not a mistake.

I'm so glad you're here with me.

You're very precious to me.

That's why I stay away,
because I...

I come with all sorts
of weird baggage,

and I don't want you
to have to deal with that.

Like what?

Like...

bad stuff, Petey, like...

like evil stuff.

Stuff that I got from my dad
and I don't want to pass it on to you.

What are you talking about?
Like what?

Like...

Hold on.

Open up,
it's the motherfucking police!

All right, all right, all right.

Shut up! Shut up and hands up!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Just relax, all right?

- Sh, sh!
- Just relax, relax.

Get the keys.

What?

- Come on!
- Okay!

Okay, okay, okay...

Okay, okay, all right.

We're gonna go
for a little drive,

okay?

Okay, all right.

All right, stop here.

Where are we?

Huh?

Where are we?

That's your brother's house.

Or his fortress.

Don't pretend like
you don't know where we are.

I don't know, all right?

We're...

you know, we're estranged.

Ah, shit, man, that sucks.

Thanks.

- Shut up!
- Okay.

Okay.

You!

You go inside.

You make nice with your uncle,
you get me the monkey.

And you bring it out, okay?

What monkey?

It's got a little red vest,

and it holds a drum,
and I need it.

Why does this guy know
about a monkey and I don't?

He doesn't know about the
monkey and he's not going in there.

It's a toy monkey?

Don't, don't call it that,
all right?

It's not. It's...

It's evil.

It's basically the devil,
all right?

It's a toy monkey.

I was gonna tell you
when you were older, okay?

You've been a goddamn deadbeat
dad because of a toy monkey?

What the fuck?

Hey, language, and yes,
but that's why we have to get

as far away
from this place as possible.

Seriously, kid, you gotta hope
you get that goddamn monkey,

because I'm gonna
shoot this guy.

All right, just let me go
in there with him.

- Please.
- No!

There is a doggy door
around back,

and your kid better hope
that he's scrawny enough to fit.

You don't call the cops
or do anything.

You get in there,
you get me the monkey,

or I swear I'm gonna shoot
you both, like, a lot of times.

He's not going in there.

Shut up!

All right.

Go!

Hal...

this is some fucked up shit.

I know.

So whatever you do,

don't turn the key
in the monkey's back.

Okay, okay.

Fuck.

Huh.

Kinda cool...

I guess.

You're not really a cop,
are you?

Shut up! Of course not.

I hate cops.

My dad was a cop.

Still is, for all I know.

No, my mom said
he was out chasing pussy,

but I'm all like, there's pussy
here in town, you know?

- Yeah, I know.
- But whatever.

He left.

And that's why I hate cops.

But also they're cops, you know,

which is the best reason
to hate cops.

What the fuck?

What the hell
is that doing there?

Hit it with your brights.

Hit it with my brights, okay.

Oh, gross! Shut it off!

- Okay.
- Shut it off!

I'm shutting it off. Jesus!

In your infinite wisdom,
I trust your flaming sword of righteousness

will cut the foul air
and strike the right person

and only the right person.

Uncle Bill?

Petey.

What a nice surprise.

You okay?

Who, me?

Yeah.

You.

It's been a long time
since anyone's asked me that.

Now that you mention it, uh...

No.

I'm not okay.

This was my favorite toy
from childhood.

It's supposed to play the drums,
but I think it's stuck.

Could you fix it for me?

It was your grandfather's,
you know.

He brought it home
from one of his trips.

He was a pilot.

He was a Petey too.

Did you know that?

Hal never tells me anything.

No, of course he doesn't.

So this is it then, huh?

The thing that messed
everyone up?

How could it?

It's just a toy.

Why don't you try
turning it, hmm?

Probably just needs
a different touch.

There.

Turning the key is just...

simply something the Shelburn men
have been doing for...

generations.
It's a...

A tradition, if you will.

But if it's not for you, then...

it's not for you.

What does it do?

Turn the key.

See what happens.

- You want me to back up?
- No!

Don't fucking move.

Hey, okay. Okay.

Is it working?

Man, this stupid cop hat!

It's crazy itchy.

What?

Jesus fucking Christ!

Let's be careful
with that pistol, huh?

Yeah.

Totally.

Yeah, great.

Fuck.

Holy shit!

Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!

Oh, my, fuck!

Fuck!

Jesus Christ!

Jesus!

Fuck!

Fuck!

What the fuck?

Fuck.

Petey, where are you?!

Dad!

Petey!

Turn it again.

Turn the goddamn key right now!

What? No.

Then give me the
fucking monkey right now!

That's it.

I'm not asking nicely anymore.

Do it.

Kill him.

Kill my dumbshit brother!

And do it now!

God...

damn you!

Strike the goddamn drum!

God-fucking...

I command you!

The fuck.

God...

Will you, please?

Goddamn it!

God...

How are you so goddamn strong?

Hey!

Huh?

Petey.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Ah. thank God, come on.

God...

damn it!

What did I do wrong?

Are you mad at me?

What is that?

Jesus Christ!

Fuck!

Go--

What the...

Bill.

Fuck.

The drumstick's still up, Petey.

Hello, dumbshit.

That's all you can say at a time
like this, you fucker?!

Dumbshit's what you are.

Fuck.

You fuck!

Jesus Christ, Bill.

You were really trying
to kill me, weren't you?

Of course I was.

That's what all this carnage
was for, huh?

You could've killed Petey!

You could've killed
my fucking son!

For what? Why?

'Cause you killed my mom.

And I know you wanted
to kill me.

But the goddamn thing doesn't
take requests, obviously.

I've been
turning the key with...

you in mind for days.

Nothing.

Listen, Bill.

It's not my fault.

It wasn't anybody's fault.

None of us deserved
what happened to us.

We just happened
to be there when it did.

Mommy?

I'm sorry, Bill.

But I guess I gotta go now.

Everybody dies,

and that's life.

I'm sorry your mom died.

It fucking sucks.

I know how you feel.

She was my mom, too.

Oh, yeah.

I guess she was.

Never thought about
it like that.

Innocent mistake, I guess.

Sure.

Makes sense, though, you know.

We're brothers.

Twins.

Right.

Sorry.

I wish we could have been there
for each other

when we were kids.

But we're here now.

What do you say, Bill?

Brothers again?

Sure.

Nah...

I'm sorry.

So, what, you two are on some
kind of road trip or something?

Yeah.

A kind of...

father-son road trip, right?

Cool.

I would like to have done that

with somebody at least once.

So come with us.

Jesus!

Fuck.

So Uncle Bill pretty much

wiped out half the town
where you grew up, huh?

Yeah.

I mean,
I get that everybody dies,

and that's life, but...

it's just, like, everybody dies,

you know, at the same time.

So, um...

What do you want to do now?

I guess we gotta figure out what
we're gonna do with the monkey.

We keep it close.

We accept that it's ours and...

we hold on tight.

Hey, I just got an idea
of what we should do right now.

Let's go dancing.

Dancing?

Yeah.

Like, with our bodies?

Where did that
shit come from?

It comes from
your grandmother.

From Lois.

Cool.

Yeah, that's cool.

Transcribed, Synchronized & Edited
by ailurophile7