Original subtitles

* dum-dum-dum-da-dum!

Dum...Dum dum dum dum *

Video diary entry.

Tuesday morning.

11:00 a.M.

Entering the home of one

C.J. Payne.

* dum-dum-dum-da-dum

A view of the kitchen and fruit.

And cabinet number one.

Snacks.

We have snacks.

Zoom in on the snacks.

And zoom out on the snacks.

Checkin' out my nephew's snacks.

The kind that give you heart

Attacks.

Snacks.

Uncle curtis?

Huh? Oh.

What are you doing?

Oh. There he is.

There's my nephew -- c.J. Payne.

Oh, I'm making a video diary for

My website.

Web site?

Yep.

Yep.

It's called

Www.Don'ttellella.Com.

Anybody home?

Just me and

Francis ford freeloader.

Oh, and there she is.

There's janine payne, everybody.

Ha ha ha ha.

Zoom in on the view.

Look at the smile.

Look at the smile.

What's going on with the

Camera?

Uh, now, this is the one I

Told you about, boys and girls,

And I know what you're thinking.

I know she doesn't look like

A former crack--

Uncle curtis.

Uh, o-okay.

Housewife, mother of 4, no job.

No. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where's the camera?

Can you see me?

That's where you're wrong.

No longer just a housewife.

Gainfully employed, thank you

Very much.

Oh, you found a job?

I found a great job.

Oh, that's great.

Congratulations.

Let's celebrate.

Yes.

And zoom in.

Okay, okay.

This is p.G.

This is p.G.

Okay, I'll be back when there's

Better light and less sexual

Tension.

Good.

Now I can show you how proud I

Am of you.

Not really.

Hold that thought.

I just stopped by to grab a

Couple of things.

Got to get to work.

What -- you start work

Already?

Something like that.

[ knock on door ]

[ sighs ]

Hiya, handsome.

Chief.

What are you doing here?

I'm just taking my new

Assistant to lunch.

Oh, janine?

Janine? You --

I'll be right down, chief.

You -- you hired janine?

Kind of cute when she calls

Me "Chief."

Me "Chief."

Not as cute as when you do it,

But, ooh, cute.

[ laughs ]

Chief, what are you doing

Hiring janine?

You are putting me in a tough

Position.

Oh, I would love to.

Stop that.

As a matter of fact, I know a

Position that makes a pretzel

Look like a straight line.

[ coughing ]

You have, uh, good taste in

Women.

Janine and I have a lot in

Common.

Janine is nothing like you.

Ooh, we have similar taste

In men.

So do cougars, but that don't

Mean I want one of them.

How do you know that?

[ snarls ]

[ laughs ]

Just think.

Now we'll always know exactly

Where janine is, just in case we

Want to be alone.

Woman, that is not gonna

Happen.

I am a happily married man.

In fact, I'm gonna put an end

To this right now.

Janine!

Uh, let me remind you, c.J.,

You owe me.

I'll just fire you both.

And how many kids do you have

Now?

Um, four?

Hey.

Got my notebook, and I'm all

Set.

Let's go to lunch.

Oh, c.J., why don't you, uh,

Join us?

We could --

Yeah.

We could make it a threesome.

Oh, that sounds fun.

[ coughing ]

Allergies?

No.

[ coughs ] No.

You enjoy your lunch.

Okay. All right.

Well, my mother will be back

With the kids in a little bit,

All right?

Okay.

Oh, but wait, c.J.

Didn't you have something you

Wanted to tell janine?

Nah. No.

You just enjoy your lunch.

Bye, baby.

Won't be the same without you.

Oh, and, c.J., next time I won't

Take no for an answer.

Oh. Here comes mommy miranda.

Hey, baby.

Hey, mommy miranda.

Oh...

Uh, miranda, I know you

Haven't been shopping again.

Me? Just a little.

Oh, I-I didn't say that.

Calvin jr. Said that.

What did you say, son?

[ imitating calvin jr. ] Why is

Mommy miranda buying so many

Clothes?

Is there any food in those bags?

[ normal voice ] No, I don't

Think so, son.

I don't think so.

Very funny.

I know, right?

He's gonna be a little comedian.

[ imitating calvin jr. ] Oh, oh,

Mommy miranda, unh-unh.

There's nothing funny about a

Starving baby.

You don't want us to eat?

[ normal voice ] Uh, junior,

That's not nice.

That's not nice.

Mommy miranda -- mommy miranda

Needs new shoes more than you

Need diapers and food and all

That good stuff.

We could just eat -- I know.

We could just -- I know.

We could just eat at the help

Center.

Calvin jr., ask your daddy

How much he spent for those

Limited-edition sneakers that

He's wearing right now.

Hmm.

[ imitating calvin jr. ] Oh,

No, mommy miranda.

No. No.

See, these -- these are

Collector's items.

They'll triple in value by the

Time I'm 15.

[ normal voice ] Wow.

Junior, you're so financ--

I know.

You're so financially savvy,

Unlike your stepmommy.

Okay, you know what?

First of all, you've worn the

Sneakers, calvin, so they've

Depreciated.

No, no, that's not true.

Tell her.

No, no, no.

And that time, you insulted me

As yourself.

Baby, I have not been spending

That much money.

Baby, we have another mouth

To feed and another in the

Belly.

Ah, the baby.

Hee-hee-hee!

We're gonna have to cut back

On spending or figure out a way

To bring in more money.

Oh, baby, I can't go back to

Work full time with the baby

Coming.

Okay, baby, so where do we

Cut back?

Didn't we skip a mortgage

Payment to pay the car note and

The utilities?

Okay, okay, well, baby,

Listen.

We can double up next month.

And I have a large commission

Check coming from a client.

Miranda, we can't spend money

We don't have, baby.

I like that look on your face.

Yeah, there we go, there we go.

Uncle curtis.

Yes.

I asked you over here so that

I could talk.

Okay. Well, talk.

Just talk into the microphone.

Uncle curtis, I have a big

Problem, and it's about time

You knew about it.

This is really good.

Why don't you sit down and tell

Me about it?

Sit yourself down.

Sit down. Okay.

And keep going.

And keep going.

That's beautiful.

That's beautiful.

Oh, that's a great look.

Put the camera down.

Put the camera down.

That is great.

It's all coming out now.

It's all coming out. Okay.

All right, I'll put the camera

Down.

What is it?

It's about maxine, the new

Chief.

Oh.

That's a two-shot right there.

This one.

You know what?

I always knew she wasn't going

To cut it...

Because she's just too pushy,

And she's rude, she's

Overbearing.

She's hitting on me.

She's blind.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Hey.

Does janine know about this?

Not yet.

Great. Drama.

Hi, baby.

Hey.

How you doing?

I'm good.

Yeah?

Oh, look at that.

That's beautiful.

That's beautiful.

It's beautiful.

Oh, uncle curtis, you still

Have the camera.

Uh-huh.

Well.

[ clears throat ]

Did c.J. Tell you that I am

Working for the fire

Department with maxine?

No, he didn't tell me that.

Actually, I wanted to talk

To you about that.

It's a really, really great

Job.

She's even offering me wonderful

Benefits.

I mean, but c.J. Already knows

About the benefits.

Yeah, he most certainly do.

No, no, c.J. Doesn't know

Anything about maxine's

Benefits.

Now, in fact, baby, um...

This good?

I don't want you to work

At the fire department.

* duh-duh-duh-duh

What?

I want you to quit.

And I want you to quit now.

Excuse me?

Wait.

Ooh, this is conflict.

This is good for the story.

Excuse me. Unc.

Oh. Okay. I'm not even here.

I'm standing over here.

I'm not here.

You want me to quit right

Now.

C.J., you said that you were

Okay with me working, but that

Was because you didn't think

That I would be able to find a

Job.

No. No. That's not it.

Who's gonna watch the kids?

C.J., this is about my

Self-esteem, okay?

We'll find a nanny.

We'll work it out.

It's nice to be wanted in the

Workplace.

I like maxine, and she likes me,

Too.

She likes c.J., too.

I'm not quitting my job.

All right? You can get over it.

Uncle curtis!

[ door slams ]

And cut.

[ sighing ]

You know, we need to get her

Back down here.

Yeah.

I need close-ups.

I just need close-ups or

Something I can cut to.

Uncle curtis!

Maxine is blackmailing me.

She says I owe her, and I have

To sleep with her or else.

Ooh. Or else what?

No "Or else what."

Doesn't matter.

I'm not gonna sleep with her.

Well, then, turn her in.

I don't have any proof.

It's "He said, she said."

That's sexual harassment --

Plain and simple.

Right.

Why the hell that never happen

To me?

Will you stop playing?

This is serious.

My career's on the line here.

I don't even know what to do!

I think I know what to do.

* duh-duh-duh-da-dum

And cut.

Okay.

That's a good bear.

Ha ha ha ha.

Yeah, buddy.

Buddy.

Sit you right there.

[ ding ]

[ squeak ]

5:56. Friday evening.

Operation "To catch a skank."

Check the light.

That's good.

I don't even know what this

Thing does.

Good.

[ knock on door ]

Oh. Okay.

Okay.

Enter skank in question.

Well, look, it's

Chief maxine bannon.

Please come in.

[ laughs nervously ]

Here we go.

[ laughs nervously ]

You look like you been working

Out -- solid.

Mr. Payne, you said you

Wanted to see me?

Oh, yes, ma'am. Yes, chief.

Have a seat.

Um, could you move over to the

Right a little bit?

Over here.

Ooh.

That's good. That's good.

Got to get you in the sweet

Spot...Of the cushion.

Mr. Payne, you mentioned on

The phone that you had some

Ideas about utilizing our

Retired workforce.

Yes, ma'am. I did.

Um, well, I was thinking of men

Like myself.

We could do, like, fire

Inspections, you know, sort of

Freeing up the active firemen,

Like my nephew -- c.J. Payne.

Do you know him?

Oh. You know I do.

Isn't he a great guy?

One of our finest captains.

Yeah, um, look, rest assured,

Chief, whatever you say about

C.J. Will stay right here in

This house.

Uh, I don't mind telling you

I am very attracted to c.J.

Ha! Ha ha ha.

Well, could you repeat that to

The bear -- barely -- could

Barely hear you.

I-I know that I'm his boss,

But between you and me [sighs]

I want c.J.

I...Gotcha.

I g-- I-I gotcha [chuckles]

As in, I understand.

You know, but w-we're here

To talk about you, and,

Frankly...

Mmm.

I love a touch of snow on the

Roof of any house that I'm

Really interested in.

Aah!

Uh...Uh...

You do?

Oh, yeah.

[ chuckles ]

So, uh, where's your wife? Hmm?

Who? Who?

Who?!

Who, ella?

Oh, you know, she's at the help

Center.

I can call her.

You want to give her a call?

Oh, you seem a little

Nervous.

Is it me, or is it getting

A little sexy in here?

I mean hot.

It's getting hot in here.

Oh, mr. Payne, mr. Payne.

Oh, mr. Payne, you're moving

Away from the sweet spot.

How sweet it is.

And cut!

It out!

[ knife chopping ]

Hey, you sexy thing, you.

Come here, girl.

Hey.

Hey. Calvin's down.

I finished all my classwork.

I cooked you a meal -- your

Favorite.

Everything is all good.

Come sit over here.

It's not all good.

How was work, baby?

You get any leads?

Any leads for you?

Zero.

That's all right.

That's okay.

Because you know what?

You'll get one tomorrow.

You're a winner, and winners

Always succeed.

Yes, they do.

What has you so upbeat?

Oh.

Guess how much I spent on this

Gourmet meal here.

How much?

$6.22.

Thank you very much.

[ laughs ]

Coupon, coupon, double

Coupon, day-old-bread aisle.

Whole chicken.

I'm gonna cut it up myself.

And the rest is going in the

Soup tomorrow.

Mm.

Baby...Thank you.

I needed to come home to this.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

You know what?

I think we're gonna be all

Right.

The bill collectors may be

Hunting us down, but you know

What?

We don't need our parents to get

Through this.

Unh-unh.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

We may need our parents to

Get through this one.

Oh!

What's wrong?

Ohh.

Ballooned.

Wait, you mean, like, a --

A big balloon or...

I mean, like, a $3,000

Mortgage balloon payment.

Whoa, whoa.

No, that's a blimp.

Baby, how didn't we see this

Coming?

I mean, I meant to refinance,

Baby, but I thought we had

More time.

You know what?

We'll work it out.

We'll work it out.

But where are we gonna get

That kind of money?

We'll figure it out, okay?

Baby, what -- we cannot lose

Our home.

I know, I know, I know, and

We won't.

I got you.

I got you. We're winners.

Whoo.

[ chuckles nervously ]

Got to get that pressure right.

Ha.

Nothing like a little splash

Of water.

Honestly, mr. Payne, I didn't

Think you'd be so shy about

This.

Well, you know, maybe I

Should remind you I am a married

Man.

I don't care.

Just makes you hotter. Whoo.

Mmm!

Now, you know what?

Adultery is one of your bigger

Commandments.

You know, my wife told me that.

I mean, it's right up there with

Murder and -- and covering your

Neighbor's ox.

Hoo-hoo!

You are so irresistible!

Oh, gosh.

Do you know that's not my

Fault?

That's 'cause I got my

Grandma bozman's eyes.

Mm.

They just make me look

Dreamy.

Yeah. See? See?

Snap out of it.

See how I got you like that?

I'll be all down and, you know,

Kind of like harry belafonte.

That's what they used to call

Me.

Harry not-afonte.

Yeah, but, uh, you even like

Calypso?

Ooh. I like to dance.

Ohh!

[ laughing ]

That was pretty slick.

Ha ha ha.

Grandma bozman!

Grandma bozman!

Uncle curtis, have you

Seen -- what the hell?

Oh, it's not what you think,

C.J.

She couldn't resist

Grandma bozman's eyes.

What is she even doing over

Here?

Oh...I was helping you out.

I got it all on this disc.

Got it all on this disc.

[ squeak ]

Sorry.

What disc?

Where's the disc?

This disc?

[ squeak ]

Now I've got you both.

Oh, you boys are gonna be

So much fun.

Okay.

I need another splash of water.

C.J., can I speak to you

For a moment?

Look, I didn't have anything

To do --

No, listen.

I am done playing games with

You, you understand?

Before it was a request.

Now it's an order.

You're gonna do what I say, when

I say, and how I say.

It's time for you to go.

No good-night kiss?

Mr. Payne!

Uh-huh?

[ chuckles ]

Thanks for the disc.

Thanks for the dance.

[ smooches ]

I feel so used.

[ imitating calvin jr. ] Hey,

Hey, daddy.

Now that -- now that

Mommy miranda's asleep, can we

Sing a song?

[ normal voice ] Okay.

What do you want to hear?

I know hip-hop, I know r&b, a

Little bit of funk, but don't

Ask for country.

Huh?

Oh, you know what?

I know -- I know what to sing.

I know what to sing.

You ready to hear it?

* nobody knows

The trouble I've seen *

[ imitating calvin jr. ] I know

That one, daddy.

* nobody knows my sorrow

[ normal voice ] Ha.

That boring?

That boring? Huh?

[ giggles ]

[ chuckles ]