Original subtitles

Uh, the rabbit goes around

The tree, goes in the hole.

The rabbit goes back to the

Tree, hole.

The rabbit goes --

Curtis, now, baby, you said

We gonna be late.

Baby, you scared the rabbit!

Now I got to start over.

Curtis, you don't even need a

Tie, baby.

You're fine.

Well, fine isn't good enough,

Ella, okay?

Now, baby, we finally got a

Table at le pompier.

We're finally celebrating our

32nd anniversary, okay?

I'm shooting for perfect.

Curtis, we have really

Already celebrated.

We got locked out, canceled

Le pompier.

We had a wonderful meal in the

Backyard already.

But, baby --

"But" nothing, okay?

No more "Buts."

We're gonna have an evening you

Will never forget.

We're going to laugh!

[ laughs ]

[ laughs ]

We're going to cry.

[ both imitate crying ]

We're gonna have the single

Greatest evening of our life.

No pressure.

Okay. Oh!

Come on, rabbit!

Get in the hole!

Oh, curtis.

Baby, you don't even need the

Tie.

You're right.

Rabbit, stay home.

Come on, baby, let's go.

I don't want to be late.

Come on.

Curtis, that's what I've been

Saying.

Doors locked?

Doors locked.

Shut the door behind you,

Baby.

I got it. I got it.

Oh, curtis, do you have your

Keys?

Yes, baby, they right there

On the table.

Ah!

[ laughs ] Just kidding!

Got you!

You thought I was gonna forget

Them.

I owe you one.

Oh, don't you look nice?

Thank you.

All right, fellas, jazzy and the

Twins are at grandma liz's.

We are going to a movie and then

Possibly to dinner, so it may be

A late night, okay?

Mr. And mrs. Payne, please,

No worries.

Young malik and myself will be

Watching a documentary about

"Brown vs. The board of

Education" on tv tonight.

You are right.

He is a black eddie haskell.

Who's eddie haskell?

Never mind. Good night.

Good night, guys.

[ laughs ]

You guys, you know, have a fine,

Blessed evening.

[ laughs ]

Yeah.

[ laughs ]

So, uh, where do they keep the

Booze?

No, look -- we're not

Drinking, okay?

We're playing video games.

Is there a law that says you

Can't do both?

Yeah, actually, there is a

Law, and the law is, if my folks

Find out we drink, we're dead.

Aw, come on, man.

It's a tradition as old as time.

Caveman dad and caveman mom go

Out, leaving the caveman

Teenagers alone at the cave.

Caveman teenagers sneak the

Berry juice.

Yeah, and then caveman dad

Finds out, and caveman son can't

Use the wheel, which he

Invented, for 6 months.

[ chuckles ]

Aha.

You know what?

I seen this.

This is one of those horrible

After-school specials, yeah.

You're the bad child who finds

The liquor.

I'm the honor student who just

Happens to get on with the thing

And everything.

He gets drunk and then pass out

In the kitchen, bangs his head

On the trash can --bam! -- dies

The night before graduation.

You know the funny thing

About that story is your grades

Ain't even that good.

See? Check it.

Your dad put a pencil mark on

The label.

See? He expects us to find this.

Here.

Check it.

And how do you expect he

Won't know?

Come on, now, malik.

It's gin. It's clear.

We'll add water to whatever we

Don't drink.

Okay.

That might actually be the first

Smart thing you've said all

Night.

Fine, maybe just a little, just

A little.

A little? A little smirs?

I got you. I got you.

So, uh, what do you have to mix

It with?

Uh, let me see what we got.

All right, we have grape soda

And a jar of pickle juice.

Uh, yeah, I'm going for a

Grape soda.

All right. Well, look -- just

Don't spill any on the couch

'cause my mom will go nuts.

Are you gonna be this big a

Baby when I kick your butt in

Basketball?

Okay, now, how many times

Have we played this game?

'cause that's how many times

I've owned you.

How about we turn this into a

Little drinking game, huh?

[ chuckles ] Gin and juice.

You feel me?

All right, let's see.

Other guy takes a sip after

Every 3-pointer and chugs what's

In his glass when he gets dunked

On.

All right, well, since you

Suck, what can possibly go

Wrong?

It is on, malik.

Yeah, that's right.

I'm malik, and you the short

Yellow bus, 'cause I'm about to

Take you to school.

Baby, everything is in

French.

Well, I know. I know.

Hey, ain't got to worry about

That.

You know I took french in high

School.

Hey, baby, look at these

Prices.

Ella --

[ french accent ] Ooh!

And look at the pretty flower

And the linen napkins.

Oh, and our shiny knives and

Forks.

Oh, is this your first time in

The big city?

[ chuckles ] Excuse me?

Welcome to le pompier,

Lucky people.

My name is phillipe.

Hey, he talking all sweet.

I'm gonna tell you something --

No matter what you say in

French, it's so pretty.

"Phillipe"!

Hey, say this for me -- "The

Check is in the mail."

Say that.

Madame, your drink?

Um...I'll just have water for

Right now, thank you.

And would you like to pretend

To look at the wine list, or

Shall we just call off the whole

Charade and I'll bring you a

Domestic beer?

In the bottle. Thank you.

Merci to the beaucoup.

He's a little too doggone good.

These prices are out of this

World.

Curtis, this is -- this is so

Expensive, baby.

Look -- I want you to stop

Looking at the prices, okay?

Look here, baby -- just for one

Night, never mind the cost.

[ cries ]

What happened?

What? Are you choking?

That was the most romantic

Thing you have ever said to me.

[ chuckles ]

Baby, I'm in the best restaurant

In atlanta with my bestest girl.

And can I please say, you look

So beautiful tonight.

Oh!

[ crying ] Curtis, thank you.

Okay. Never mind the cost.

I'm beautiful.

Okay, people are starting to

Stare.

Oh, god.

Hallelujah!

Oh, there she goes.

I just can't take it.

Oh, god. Oh.

Baby?

Where is he?

Can I please have some more

Water?

Please, someone.

Curtis, how long does it take?

[ sighs ]

Ah, man! I miss this.

Miss what?

This, us talking.

Seriously, we should talk more.

Seriously, yeah.

Seriously, man, I used to

Tell you everything.

You know that, malik?

You were my best, best friend.

Yeah, yeah.

And see, you are my best, best,

Best friend.

[ laughs ]

That's three times.

Yeah.

You got it, man.

You got it.

I'm gonna tell you something.

You know, look at me.

Look at me.

I am looking at you.

No!

Look at me.

I'm gonna tell you something,

And the only person I've ever

Said these words to was my moms.

Got it?

All right, I got it.

All right.

I...

Got to throw up!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, not

On the sofa, not in the sofa!

Not in the kitchen!

Not in the kitchen!

And not on the stairs!

Look -- go upstairs!

Bathroom's the first door on the

Right.

Hold on a minute.

Hey, did you make it?

[ vomiting ]

Almost.

Okay, hold on.

I'm on my way, man.

I'm sorry the movie was

Sold-out.

It kind of ruined the evening,

Huh?

Nah, not ruined.

Got a plan "B."

Shh! I think I hear somebody.

Oh, oh, hey, mom, hey, dad!

How you doing?

Um, we're fine. How are you?

Oh, I am good. I am good.

I just think I'm -- think I'm

Gonna be a little sick, though.

No, no, not on my sofa, not

On the sofa.

Not the stairs! Bathroom!

Get in the bathroom!

Malik, did you get it?

Uh, yeah, I'm...

There goes plan "B."

Mr. And mrs. Payne, we didn't

Really drink that much.

I mean, we spilled most of it.

Yeah, I see you spilled it

All in my upstairs hallway.

I'm fine, really.

You're fine.

You're fine?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, too.

Yeah.

See, look -- I could car a drive

Right now if I had to.

Me too.

You could?

You hear that, c.J.?

They could both car a drive,

Both of them.

Yeah, we gonna get to that

Later.

[ horn honks ]

Ah, speaking of cars, there's

Your father.

How about I invite your dad

In here and me and him...

Ow!

...Trade notes -- don't you

Throw up on me, boy -- and see

Who's gonna dole out the most

Punishment.

Mr. And mrs. Payne, I

Sincerely apologize for

Validating your trust this

Evening.

"Violating."

That's what I said.

Pbht.

And, uh -- whoo!

[ laughs ]

May I say, mrs. Payne, that I

Love how your -- how your hair

[laughs] Match your shirt and it

Match your jeans.

Save it. Save it.

We will be having a nice long

Conversation with your father.

Take an aspirin before you go to

Bed.

All right.

[ sighs ] Man.

Oh, no, no aspirin.

I want you --

Don't you throw up on me, boy.

I want you to feel all the

Consequences of what you did.

Upstairs.

Dad, am I gonna get a

Hangover?

I sure hope so.

I'm so disappointed in you,

Malik.

Look -- I'm sorry.

[ scoffs ]

You got no idea how sorry you

Gonna be.

Mm-mmm!

Mmm!

Good stuff!

Curtis?

Y'all gonna enjoy it.

Y'all gonna enjoy it.

[ laughs]

Baby, this food was about as

Good as you are handsome.

[ laughs ]

It wasn't that doggone good.

[ both laugh ]

You must have really enjoyed it,

Huh?

I did, baby.

Curtis, now promise me, baby --

Okay?

Promise me you are not gonna get

All crazy when the check comes,

Right?

Baby, it bears repeating, my

Sweet -- you are worth every

Penny...

Aww.

...As beautiful as you are.

Thank you.

[ laughs ]

Happy anniversary, baby.

Happy anniversary, my

Darling.

Yes.

And, uh, would you like a

Doggy bag so you can drop the

Crumbs into the cracks of your

Recliner as you watch your

Mindless american football?

Oh!

Did he say something about

Football?

Curtis.

That's it!

Ohh hoo, I've been holding it

For so long.

Mm.

Let me tell you something --

You don't know nothing about me,

Okay?

You don't know me.

You don't know nothing about me.

Monsieur, please.

Monsieur, please, I know your

"Teepe."

And so that means you know

You ain't getting no tip.

No, no, I did not say "Tip."

I said "Teepe," the "Teepe" of

Person you are.

For 364 days of the year, you

Sit at your tv and you eat your

Corndogs and scratch your back

With the stick.

And one night of the year, you

Come out to a place like this to

Be wowed.

Well, I hope you had a nice

Time, and I hope you and madam

Were wowed.

That's it.

Baby, we don't have to hear

This.

You're lucky the food was good.

Come on. Let's go.

Now you're making sense,

Baby.

Oh, no, I see your little

Plan.

Oh, now I understand.

You are trying to leave without

Paying for the bill, huh?

"Dine and dash," as I believe

You americans say.

Excuse me, sir.

Apparently, you don't know my

Husband.

Or do you, madame?

I heard you marveling at the

Fact that he didn't care about

The cost.

Does this sound like your

Husband, not being cheap for the

First time in 32 years?

Ugh. Et tu, ella?

Curtis.

Ugh. That's latin.

Au contraire, ma femme.

That's french.

It means it isn't so, wifey.

Yes, yes, I think I know my

French, monsieur.

Yes, yes, and I think I know

My fake french.

What?

Yeah, right.

You ain't no doggone --

If you so french, why is this

Place named le pompier?

You're, uh...

[ imitates buzzer ]

'cause you don't know.

Touché.

He ain't no french.

Curtis, what are you talking

About?

Baby, "Le pompier" -- it

Means fireman, okay?

The owner of this place is a

Former fireman and a dear old

Friend of mine.

This meal was on the house.

You're, uh...

[ southern accent ] Y'all are

Friends with frankie?

Yeah, I'm friends with

Frankie.

And I know he's on vacation.

We were supposed to give you

This after the meal, okay?

Baby, he wanted to see how the

Service was without them knowing

That I'm his buddy.

Oh.

And, well, how was the

Service?

[ imitates buzzer ]

[ both laugh ]

Worse than your accent.

"Phillipe." phil.

Here you go, phil.

Your name ain't no phillipe,

Right?

Come on.

Give me a break, dude.

[ laughs ]

I'm gonna give you a break if

You don't get out of my face.

The "Noive."

So, all of this about "Never

Mind the cost" -- the whole meal

Was free, baby?

Why didn't you tell me?

Because, baby, I wanted it

To be about the romance.

Aww. And it was, baby.

[ laughs ] Wait a minute.

Hey, phil? Come here.

Hmm?

Excuse us.

Uh, look -- where you going?

What, you quitting?

Why not?

I mean, I'm just gonna get fired

When frankie gets back from

Vacation.

Man, come on.

It ain't that serious, okay?

I mean, look -- just drop your

Little snooty attitude, all

Right?

You don't need all that.

Y-you're not gonna tell

Frankie about what happened?

No, I'm not gonna tell

Frankie, though, but not if you

Change your little funky

Attitude.

Yeah, I'll change --

Oui, I'll change.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I appreciate it.

That too hard?

You are a strange cat.

Hey, look -- one more thing I

Need you to do for me.

Yeah, anything, mr. Payne.

Just name it.

All right.

I need you to drive me and my

Baby home.

I locked my keys in the car.

Yes, sir.

Hey!

Ugh!

Please, please, please, dad.

There he is -- big man on

Campus!

Wait. Wait. Wait.

Y-you're not angry?

Oh. About last night?

Oh, no, man.

I just -- I look at that as a --

A rite of passage.

Your first drunk.

Ohh.

[ laughs ]

I mean, you're --

You're kidding, right?

Cooked you some eggs.

Oh.

Yeah, man. Look at that.

That's nice.

Look at that. Smell that.

I got peppers in there.

Mnh.

I got mushrooms in there.

I got -- I got lima beans.

Look at that. Go ahead.

No, no, you know what?

Dig in!

Uh, no, I'm not really that

Hungry.

You know, I'm just gonna take

Some juice.

How about that?

I'm just gonna take some juice.

Oh.

You want something to drink?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Got something all ready for

You.

All right.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

[ sniffs ]

What is that?

Is -- is that gin in there?

Hair of the dog!

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

Listen -- you slept late, so

The game has probably already

Started.

I thought we'd watch it

Together.

Oh, okay.

Grab your eggs.

Oh, no, no, no, I'm not

Really that hun--

I'm just gonna leave that there.

I'm just gonna find me a good

Seat.

Ugh.

Okay.

[ mid-tempo music plays ]

Ohh.

Wait. That's not the game.

What the heck is that?

I actually haven't seen this

One.

It's called "Brains on the

Highway."

[ siren wailing ]

Wh--

Wh-wh-what is that?

Brains on the highway --

Actual footage.

Ugh.

That's his leg. See that?

Ugh! Turn it off!

Turn it off!

No, turn -- turn it off!

Okay.

[ grunts ] All right!

You know, you watch some really

Crummy movies.

You know that?

But I get it. I get your point.

No, malik. No.

You do not get my point.

What you did was wrong.

It was wrong, and you knew it.

Now, did you know that you could

Die from alcohol poisoning or

Suffer liver damage?

Huh?

Or what if you choke on your own

Vomit and nobody's there around?

You could die from that.

Or what happens if you actually

Car a drive?

But, dad, we didn't even

Drive --

This is the part where you

Shut the hell up.

Yes, sir.

Now, malik, maybe you didn't

Drive drunk.

But what happens if you get in a

Car with some idiot who did?

Look, dad, I'm really sorry.

That's only a little better.

Listen to me, malik.

I'm a fireman.

I go to wrecks.

I watch other people's sons and

Daughters die in alcohol-related

Accidents all the time.

Do you think I want that to

Happen to you?

No.

It breaks my heart.

Baby?

Hmm?

Why didn't you tell me that

The dinner was free?

'cause.

Do you know how much stuff I

Wanted to order on that menu?

That's why I didn't tell you.

All we need is a table full of

Plates.

You get a doggie bag.

[ laughs ]

That food was good, though,

Wasn't it?

Great!

Garcon!

Oui? Oui?

[ laughs ]

Your dog.

It's not "Your dog."

It's "Corndog."

Did he bring one corndog?

He has one corndog on that

Plate.

Ohh.

I know.

Phillipe.

Right.

Phillipe!

I'll get you another one.

Hang on.

Hang on?

Damn, that sucker's good.

He bit that --

He just bit the corndog.

[ laughs ]

What the hell are you --