Original subtitles

Curtis! Baby?

What, what, what, what, what?

Hey, baby, did you see this

Moving van outside?

What the hell?

Who's moving in now?

Baby, lock the doors.

I'll get the windows.

It can't be calvin.

He got the condo, and floyd and

Claretha are staying ay floyd's

Mama house.

Is it c.J.? C.J. Just got the

House.

Did janine burn down the house

Already?

Ooh, would you just stop it,

Please, baby?

Wonder who that could be.

Oh, is it one of your cousins?

No.

Is it johnny may?

Is it deckie?

Curtis!

Ok. Well, duck down.

Pretend like we're not here.

Duck down.

Baby, would you please?

Curtis, I think we have new

Neighbors.

Whew. Why didn't you say that

In the first place, ella?

You know I got a weak heart.

No, curtis.

You have a weak brain.

Baby, do you know I still

Have nightmares of c.J. And

Everybody moving back in

This house?

Oh.

I mean, it's like they crawl

In like roaches, and then all of

A sudden, they just sneak up

On me.

Hey, pop.

Aah!

Hee hee hee!

How'd you get in?

You do know I still have a

Key, right?

Give me it.

Uh! What?

Give me them keys.

Come here. Come here.

You're too short.

Oh! Curtis!

I'm gonna change the locks.

I'm calling the locksmith

Right now.

Hey, baby.

Hey, mom.

You want some breakfast?

Oh, I would love to, but I

Just came by to borrow one of

Pop's fishing rods.

Oh, they're in the closet.

Will you quit snitching?

Don't tell him where they are.

Go ahead, baby. Take you one.

No. Can't have one.

Take you two. Hee hee hee!

Hello? Yeah.

I need a titanium lock.

You have them?

And some deadbolts for my

Deadbeat son.

Out of all the many times

That your father tried to get

You out on the water, why now?

Because now I need to learn

So I can teach our baby how to

Catch fish.

Well, look.

Who do I need to call for

A moat?

Miranda, wait until you see

What I've got.

Wait until you see what

I've got.

Yay. Hi, daddy.

You had the baby already?

How long was I gone?

Don't be silly.

Tracie dropped calvin jr.

Off early.

Say, "Hi, daddy." hi.

Hey, little man. What's up?

Hmm, this must mean tracie's

Appointment got moved up.

I should call her.

Oh, wait.

Her cellphone number changed.

Let me grab it.

Oh.

Hey, trace. What's up, t?

Ha!

Look, I was just calling to

Make sure.

He's allergic to tomatoes and

Peaches, and he's still on that

Soy milk only, right?

Ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Girl, you are crazy. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I'll pick one up for you.

Ok. Cool. Ha ha! Ha ha ha!

All right. Later.

"Ha ha! Ha ha ha!

What up, t?"

Hey, little man.

Oh, so you already had

Tracie's number in your phone.

Yeah. I got it when I was

Downtown last week.

Oh, daddy is about to get

In trouble.

Trouble. You hear that?

So, where'd you see tracie?

At the library. Here.

Come on, baby boy.

Stepmommy has got some crazy

Germs, and I don't want you to

Catch them.

No, I don't.

Oh, no. That baby --

Is it that daddy is trying to

Use him as a force field from

Stepmommy, but guess what.

I have superpowers, superpowers.

Raar! Ha ha!

So, did you see tracie last week

Or yesterday, hmm?

Which one? Which one?

I told you, baby, last week.

I go to the library a lot.

Yeah. You have a newfound

Love for reading these days.

Oh, whoa, he's wet.

Where's the diaper bag?

Tracie always keeps extras.

Oh, t's diaper bag is in the

Room.

Oh. Well, I got my

Hands full.

You mind getting it for me?

Me?

Please?

Ha ha! Cool, c.

Cool. You know t isn't here to

Get it and all, but m is, so I

Got you, boo.

It's just me and you now,

Baby boy.

I'm gonna sit you down.

Yes, I am. Yes, I am.

[ doorbell rings ]

Curtis, come on, baby.

I think I hear the doorbell.

Now, baby, you need to check

And make sure.

Curtis, come on.

Somebody is at the door.

Hey, baby, I'm gonna show you

A magic trick.

If you wait long enough, they'll

Disappear.

Curtis, they can see you.

Would you please answer it?

Oh, all right.

I'm saying I'm gonna trade in

Them glass doors.

Hey, there.

I'm mitch carlson.

This is my wife fiona.

We're the carlsons.

Ok. Well, we're the paynes.

Bye-bye.

Ha ha! Hey, funny guy.

Funny guy.

Either that or rude.

We're renting the house across

The street for a month, and we

Just wanted to stop by and visit

Our new neighbors.

Oh, that's great, but they're

Next door. Bye-bye.

Curtis --

Ha ha! He's killing me.

I love it.

Curtis! That's my husband.

Please come on in.

Make yourselves at home.

Thank you.

Baby, you don't even know

These people.

You're going to just let them in

Like that.

Curtis, they're our

Neighbors.

I'm ella, and you've already my

My husband, curtis.

Ooh, I love your face.

Uh, thank you?

You have to excuse my wife.

She's a photographer.

Ohh...Ohh...

Was scaring the mints

Out of me.

Ooh, I just love

The human form.

Mitch, look.

Have you ever seen such

Powerful, strong bone structure?

Look. Look. Look at the back.

Oh...

Oh, look. I'm so sorry.

Just that you have such an

Amazing face.

I mean, I'd love to shoot you.

I know the feeling.

Don't hate, ella.

Fiona, would you care for

Some tea, coffee?

Oh, I'd love some.

Come on.

You know, you have such a

Lovely home.

Thank you.

Yeah. Ha ha ha!

So, what do you do, curtis?

Oh, I'm retired.

You've got to be kidding.

You're a young man.

Yeah, young and virile.

Ha ha ha!

You heard?

I hear you. I hear you.

So, it's just you and ella now?

Yeah. That's it. That's it.

Me and my baby.

This our little love nest, and

We just run butt-naked through

The house.

Ha ha ha!

But that's a little too much

Information.

No, no. No, no, no, no.

Listen. You do you.

You are a riot.

This is your house.

This is your wife.

That's right, and I love my

Baby, you know?

Yeah.

Yeah. I wouldn't trade her

For nothing in the world...

Uh-huh.

Of course, unless is was a

Very, very good offer.

Mm.

You heard?

How much?

Ha ha ha!

Boy, get out of here with that.

No. I'm just kidding.

I'm kidding. I like you, curtis.

I like you.

What are you two out here

Laughing about?

Your husband is a funny guy.

He's a funny guy. He's funny.

Well, I'm glad you like him.

You want to take him home?

Ha ha ha!

Girl, ooh, I'd love to. Ha ha!

Ha ha ha! No, you didn't.

I'd probably be appreciated

Over there.

You guys are too funny. Look.

We really have to be going,

Anyway.

I'm still unpacking my kitchen,

And I need to make dinner.

Thanks for the coffee, ella.

Oh, you're welcome.

Yeah, and I got to unpack my

Golf clubs.

All right.

Okay. Well, wait, wait, wait,

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Well, if you two are not too

Tired later, would you like to

Just come back for dessert?

Well, yeah. Good idea.

Huh, are you sure?

Please.

Yeah. Look here.

You would not believe what this

Woman can do in the kitchen. Mm.

And I'll bring my camera.

Well, all right.

Let's get it on.

We'll be back here at 8:00.

Let's do it.

Whoo! Perfect.

All right. See you at 8:00.

See you at 8:00.

Don't be late. Ha ha ha!

It's a date. Don't be late.

See you at 8:00.

Don't be late.

Can't wait. Ha ha ha!

Constipate. Ha!

Curtis.

Hey, I think we're gonna like

Our new neighbors.

He practically threw his wife

At me.

And then they invited us back

Over for dessert.

I mean, this is perfect.

How lucky are we?

First neighbors we meet, and

They are swingers like us.

Ha ha ha!

I'm gonna like this

Neighborhood.

Whoo! Yeah.

Here it comes. Here it comes.

* can't eat the baby food

Too hot *

* cool it down, it hits the

Spot *

* 1, 2

* 3, 4

Open wide.

So, can this mean, old

Stepmom help feed the baby?

Let it go.

Ha ha!

No, no.

You might give him the cooties.

Calvin, I know how to feed a

Baby, and you're feeding him

Too slow.

He's biting the spoon off.

Look at him.

He's reaching for the food.

I see you.

Say, "I'm hungry, daddy."

If this was our baby, you'd

Starve him.

No. He won't be starved.

He'll be having breakfast,

Lunch, and dinner at the topless

Buffet.

Oh, so who's doing all this

Breast-feeding?

Are you making that decision

For me?

I thought you knew.

Well, what if I want to feed

Our baby formula?

Okay, but breast milk

Contains two type of proteins

That allow for easy digestion.

And they also help fight viruses

And bacteria like e coli and

Salmonella.

Oh, he dropped the bunny.

Say, "Daddy, how do you know

All that?"

Oh, I'm an expert at the

Wonders of breast feeding.

Ha ha ha!

Say, "Well, I'm an expert at

The wonders of sleep."

Come on, big guy.

You want to take a nap?

Let's go take a nap.

Oh, well, make sure you lie

Him on his back.

And don't forget to turn on his

Little night light.

He likes it.

Oh, and make sure you put the

Blanket on him.

Calvin! Calvin!

Calvin, come! He's choking!

It's okay, big man.

Daddy has got you.

Yeah.

Calvin, how did you know how

To do that?

I mean, I just panicked.

What if I do that when our baby

Comes?

Baby, baby, baby...

Baby, what if you're not

Here?

Baby, you'll be fine,

All right?

But what if I'm not?

What if I don't have instincts

Like you have?

It's not all instincts. Here.

Hold him.

Are you sure?

Yeah. It's okay, baby.

Hey. I'm sorry.

Look. I had to learn.

You read all those books?

Every one -- emergencies,

Baby bath basics, their eating

Habits.

That's why I've been at the

Library all this time.

I even took a refresher course

On infant cpr.

Well, when did all of this

Come about?

The heartbeat.

I missed out on all that with

Junior.

When I first heard it, I

Realized it wasn't all about me.

Amazing.

I know, that little heartbeat

Just beating all fast and --

No, no, no, no, no, no, baby.

I mean you.

You are going to be an amazing

Father to our baby.

I'm so sorry I doubted you.

It's okay, baby.

Just gets me ready for the

Hormonal shift your body is

Gonna go through.

You read about that, too?

Oh, yeah.

Ha ha!

You're about to turn into a

Two-headed monster.

Calvin...

Aww...

That's not funny.

That just means there's more

Of you to love, all right?

He called me a monster.

A two-headed monster.

Say, "Not nice."

Say, "Raar."

Ooh.

Curtis, no.

Baby, come on.

Just give me --

Curtis --

Can I have some dessert?

A little dessert, please.

The carlsons will be here any

Minute, baby.

Wish they'd hurry up.

I'm hungry.

[ doorbell rings ]

They're here.

Good. Finally.

Baby.

Finally. Ha ha ha!

We almost started without you.

Ooh, aren't you the eager

One?

Ha ha ha!

Well, ella over there

Wouldn't let me touch nothing

Until you guys got here.

Oh, funny guy. Funny guy.

Curtis, you were not supposed

To tell them that.

He cannot keep a secret.

Oh, we love secrets, don't

We, honey?

We sure do, baby.

Oh, good. Well, listen.

Everything is almost ready.

I just have to get a few more

Things from the kitchen.

Oh, I'll help.

Nice guy.

So, handsome, brought my

Camera.

Uh-oh!

Uh-oh. Ha ha ha!

What you gonna do?

You gonna take some pictures?

Well, do you mind?

No. I mean, it's great.

What I need to do?

Oh, just be yourself. Yeah.

Come on. That's it. Fabulous.

Ooh, yeah. Come on.

You know, they always told me

I could be a model.

I see why, because you are

Hot.

You like that?

I like that.

Well, you ain't seen nothing.

What if I do like this?

Come on.

Show me what you got in there.

What you got.

Whoo! Yeah. Baby, do that.

Whoo! Do that one again.

Yeah. Come on, baby. Don't stop.

Watch this.

It is so good to meet new

People.

Mm.

I think tonight is gonna be

Good for curtis because we have

Been in a rut lately.

Oh, really?

Yes. With his retirement, oh,

It's just been the same routine

Night after night after night.

Hmm, it's just good to have you

Guys here, mix things up a bit.

Yeah. Mix things up a bit.

Ha ha ha!

Whew! That was a workout.

Ha ha ha!

Come on, curtis.

Take my picture now.

All right.

Let's see what I do with this

Thing.

Come on, curtis.

Come on, curtis.

Okay. This that

New-fangled one. I can't --

Get this pose.

Okay, okay. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. I turn it on.

It ain't even on.

Oh, curtis. Curtis, come on.

Wait a minute.

I'm trying to get it. Ha ha ha!

Whoo! Ha ha!

Okay. Okay.

Come on, curtis.

Take my picture.

I think it's working.

Come on, curtis. Come on.

Closer.

Okay. Okay, you. All right.

Okay.

You ready for dessert?

Oh, you read my mind.

Hey, look.

I'm gonna go in and see if

They're ready to dig in.

Listen. If I know curtis, he

Is ready to dig in.

Ha ha ha!

Okay. We'll take a picture.

Close-up.

We got a close-up of that.

We got a close-up. Here you go.

Is she always like this?

Oh, she's great, ain't she?

Maybe not so much.

Mm, hee hee!

Okay. All right.

Are we ready for dessert?

Oh, here comes the sweetness.

Ooh, ha ha ha!

Well, I hope everybody is ready

For pound cake.

Ooh, yes.

Cake?

Yes.

Honey, let's just enjoy a

Sandwich.

A sandwich? Curtis!

Didn't you say you wanted to

Get down?

Curtis!

Wait. Now hold the hell up.

What the hell you doing in

My house?

No, you ain't!

Wait, wait.

You said you wanted to, you

Know.

You know.

That's it. Everybody out.

Everybody out.

Get thee in front of me,

Beelzebub.

Get out quick. Get out. Get out.

Out!

Out!

See you at the block party.

Bye-bye.

Out!

Curtis, curtis, what just

Happened?

You let strangers in

The house.

That's what happened.

That's why I'm getting a moat

With alligators.

Yeah.

So, tracie said they're

Home and calvin jr. Went

Straight to sleep.

Good. Oh, what a day.

I am so exhausted.

I'm about to go in the back, and

I'm gonna take a nap, baby.

Ooh.

[ whistle blows ]

Where did you get that from?

You're going to baby boot

Camp.

Boot camp?

Fall in, soldier.

What?

Diaper drill.

I know how to change a

Diaper, calvin.

Go! Go! Go!

Are you timing me?

Clock is ticking.

Baby is crying.

You said you wanted to learn.

Learn.

Okay.

Oh! Oh, you just lost 5

Seconds, soldier.

Why are you yelling at me?

Oh, oh, oh!

You just soiled the playground.

Where's the baby wipe?

Where's the baby wipe?

Baby wipe?

Man down. Code 10. Holler.

Oh, oh, you used too much baby

Powder.

Well -- ohh...

Uhh!

This is a squash.

I hate the look of diaper

Rash in the morning.

It's the evening. It's 7:00.

Chow time. Open wide.

Are you serious?

* can't feed the baby food

Too hot *

Sing it.

* can't feed the baby food

Too hot *

* cool it down,

It hits the spot *

* uh nuh nuh...The spot

Oh!

Mmm. Mmm. Yeah.

Eat the vegetables. Yum.

Okay, you know what?

I get it. I get it.

You are the master daddy person

Drill sergeant, okay?

[ whistle blows ]

Hey, baby --

We're not done yet, soldier.

Fall in.

It's time to retreat...

To the bedroom.

Ooh, yes, sir!

Mm-hmm. I can't hear you.

Sir, yes, sir!

Double time. 1, 2! 1, 2!

1, 2! 1, 2! 1 -- whoo!

Look, look, look.

Okay. I can't see nothing.

Mm-hmm. Uh-uh. No, no.

No, no, no, no. Curtis?

Look at the beautiful

Constellations.

What are you doing out

Of bed?

Baby, I'm counting the stars.

You know I like to count the

Stars twinkling.

* twinkle, twink, twinkle

Curtis, you're not

Fooling me.

I know you are out here spying

On the carlsons over there.

Please. Ain't nobody spying.

Trying to peek in their

Windows, baby?

Baby, please.

That woman told me she needed a

Cup of sugar.

That's all.

Well, you won't be taking her

A cup of sugar.

You know what?

I need to sneak over there,

Baby, because I think they want

To put those pictures on the

Internet.

Curtis, she will not put your

Pictures on the internet.

Ella, you should've heard

Her.

She kept saying I had perfect

Bone structure.

You don't know that.

Curtis, I don't care what

She said.

Would you just get back in here?

Baby, I want to see the

Freaks, baby. Come on.

Curtis --

I never get to see the

Freaks.

We never have freaks on the

Street.

It's a special occasion, baby.

Always ruining the fun.

Okay.

Oh, those christians.

Go on.

You ain't gonna make me a

Sandwich or nothing like she

Said you was gonna make me?

Curtis, stop playing.

This thing.

You're not gonna bring this in?

You're not gonna take this

In the house?

You just gonna leave this

Out here?

Oh, my god.

What are you doing there?

Get in here.

You know what?

The stars are beautiful.

Aren't they?

Twinkle, twinkle.