Original subtitles

Good mo-o-o-o-o-rning.

Hey, baby, hey, baby, hey.

You just in time, baby.

You just in time to watch me

Plan my future.

Oh, curtis, I know your

Future, baby.

You are about to get all of this

Stuff out of my kitchen so I can

Cook breakfast.

And, jazmine, shouldn't you be

Outside playing?

But I want to watch the

Crazy-uncle channel.

Yeah. You're uncle's not

Crazy, and all this stuff is a

Map of the world, baby.

I done figured out how I'm gonna

Spend my retirement.

I'm gonna take this dart, and

I'm gonna throw it at this map,

And wherever it land-- wherever

It land...

I'm gonna totally immerse myself

In that culture.

Huh?

Huh?

Baby.

Baby, my mind is turning to

Mustard in there watching that

Tv.

Curtis, how did you come up

With this idea?

Sitting there watching that

Tv.

And I'm telling you, wherever it

Land, whatever country it land

On -- I'll do like this.

Uncle curtis.

You are in the way of my

Destiny.

Would you please move?

You move.

Listen, jazmine, I'm going to

The help center.

You want to come?

Uh, nah. I'm gonna watch

Uncle curtis break stuff with

His darts.

Would you stop? Okay.

Thank you for going down

There.

Thank you for going down there.

Did you just hit me?

I got a dart in my hand!

Oh, curtis.

Baby, why don't you just pick a

Place?

Ella, no, no.

Okay. Fate must choose.

Oh.

You ready?

Yes.

Okay. Here we go.

Oh, please.

[ laughs ]

Mexico!

How did you see that way

Over there?

Doctor said I can't have spicy

Food.

[ humming ]

Gonna do like that and see where

It goes.

Ooh! Holly springs,

Mississippi?

Ooh! Too mississippi!

Curtis.

Uncle curtis, you running

Out of map.

And I am running out of

Patience. Come on.

And I am getting tired.

Baby, wait a minute.

Just one more, okay? One more.

For real.

This is serious to me, okay?

[ scoffs ]

Oh, lord...

Thee, mine, and thine and thee

And thine, guideth thee this

Hand, guide it wherever thou

Want it, thee thou.

I'll guide your hand.

Baby, baby.

What does that say?

What does it say? Ooh.

Whoa!

Very interesting.

That country will never be

The same.

[ chuckles ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

Hello, everybody.

Welcome to the help center.

Thank you so much.

Over here on the racks, you'll

Find quilts and jackets by the

Door.

If you need children's clothing,

It's right over here on this

Table.

Help yourself.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

What did I miss?

Actually, we just got

Started.

Oh, good. You must be janice.

No. I'm janine, janine payne.

Oh! I'm so ready to help.

You know I am. Am I pulling you?

Sorry.

It's okay.

You must be margaret.

Miss ella's told me a lot about

You.

* guilty

Oh, my goodness.

So what can I do?

Wow. You know what?

The sandwiches are over here on

This table.

Could you get those?

Great! I am starved.

No, no, no. No, no, no.

Margaret.

It's been so long since I've

Eaten.

Margaret, listen.

That's not the --

Hmm? What?

The sandwiches are for the

Guests.

What?

These people would like to

Eat.

Hi.

Oh, my god.

I am such an idiot.

No, no, no, no.

A girl's got to eat.

No, don't put it back.

No, no. Put it right there.

Okay. Listen.

Why don't you serve the

Sandwiches?

I can do that.

Okay.

There's my little angel of

Mercy.

Hi, baby.

Sorry, sir.

Hi. How you doing?

Good to see you.

I just thought I'd stop by

And see if you wanted to go

Grab some lunch or something.

I would love to, but

Actually --

Well, ahoy there.

Excuse me?

A navy man?

No. Actually, this is my

Husband, c.J.

He's the captain at the fire

Department.

Oh. Oh, I am so stupid.

Do I salute, or should I shake?

It's okay.

It happens all the time.

Really?

No. So, um, I can see you're

Really, really busy here, got a

Lot going on.

Maybe we'll just go grab some

Lunch another time.

All right. Okay. Bye.

Have a good day.

Yeah, you, too.

All right, baby.

Bye, uh, margaret.

Bye! See you later!

It was really nice to meet you.

I like that color on you.

Right. Okay. Bye.

A firefighter, huh?

That is so hot.

I like to think so.

They must really roast in

All those big, heavy jackets,

Not to mention all the, you

Know, fire.

Sir, are you okay?

Come on, help me get him to

Sit down.

Right over here to this chair.

Sir, are you okay?

Margaret, margaret, he's got to

Sit.

Oh, right, right, right.

Is there anything --

Ooh! I'll get a sandwich!

Would you like some water

Or --

Oh, my god. Blue?

Hey, "J," baby.

Margaret, margaret, call for

Help.

What? Help! Help!

Margaret, phone call for

Help.

No, no, no. I'm not here to

Cause no --

Get out! Get out!

Where's my phone? Okay! Fine!

Not you!

No, not me!

Okay.

Get out! Get out! Ooh! Go!

We got to talk!

No, we don't!

You need to leave.

Go out! Out!

Ohh! Go!

Oh, you have no idea.

Thank god I was here, huh?

Hey, jazzy-boo.

Oh, hey, auntie.

Oh.

Uh, uh, uh, jazzy, where's my

Couch?

Uh...

What is going on, and where

Is uncle curtis?

Don't you mean uncle kurioto?

Uncle kurioto?

[ gong bangs ]

Ohh!

Domo arigato, mrs. Roboto.

Curtis, you should have

Picked mississippi.

And why do you have on my

Bathrobe?

Baby, it's not a bathrobe.

It's a kimono.

Yes, auntie ella.

The japanese have had kimonos

For over a thousand years.

Well, jazmine, I've had this

Bathrobe for only a week, so if

You rip it, papa-san, you're

Gonna buy mama-san another one,

You got it, son?

Okay. Where were we, my lotus

Blossom?

Your lotus blossom?

Uh, that's me.

Oh.

I'm teaching uncle kurioto

How to speak japanese.

Did you know that my roommate in

North carolina was from tokyo?

Now, uncle kurioto, repeat after

Me.

[ speaking japanese ]

Uh...Obi-wan kenobi,

Mr. Miyagi.

Kawasaki.

Hai.

[ chuckles ]

That was a really good try,

But, um, what I said meant

"Where is the library?"

I don't need to know where

The library is.

All the books are in japanese.

Okay, well, I got one for

You, uh, mr. Kurioto.

Where is my couch?

It did not fit in the "Feng

Shwy" of the room.

Curtis, what is the...

"Feng shwy"?

What you doing that for?

You don't speak our language.

Curtis.

Baby, it's the flow, okay?

Okay.

It's the flow.

It's the energy, okay?

The japanese call it "Chi."

"Chi."

And all that little negativity

You got, all that shaking the

Head and all that, "Mississippi"

And that -- no.

You messing up the "Chi."

I don't care nothing about

Your "Chi."

I just want a place to sit down,

Okay?

That's what the mat is for,

Baby, my little geisha.

Why aren't you sitting on

The mat?

Because I'm the master of

The dojo, you heard?

Look, master dodo.

Ooh! Boy, you lucky we ain't

In japan right now.

You'd be bathing me just like

That!

Curtis, curtis! Would you

Please just stop -- stop hitting

That bell?

She is so country.

She called it a bell.

It's not a bell. It's a gong.

Who was that guy?

That was someone from my

Past -- very, very bad past.

Yeah. He didn't look so

Good.

Kind of poopy.

He is very poopy.

He's your ex-dealer, huh?

How did you know that?

Oh, I have been there, done

That.

[ inhales sharply ]

All right, um, I'm gonna go put

This stuff in the fridge.

You want me to lock up?

No. No, I got it.

Thank you.

Bye.

Hey.

No, no, no, blue, don't.

No, no, no. Get out! Get out!

Get!

Look. I-I just need to --

Blue, look, I don't know

What you're here for, but I

Don't --

Please, please, please!

Please, please.

Can you -- can you just do that

For me?

No.

Please.

No. I-I can't.

I can't.

Please.

Okay. All right. All right.

All right. All right.

Come on.

Are you all right? Can you...

[ grunts ]

Pick up this phone.

Where's my wife?

I've been looking all over for

You.

Where you been?

Oh.

It's you.

Okay. You know what, c.J.?

We're gonna take your hello all

Over again.

[ clears throat ]

Hello!

I'm sorry, aunt ella.

I thought you were janine.

Nope. Just little old me.

C.J., I had to come over here,

Baby, and get away from the

Last samurai.

The what?

The last samurai.

At least, I hope he's the last

One.

Aunt ella, I've been calling

All over the place.

I can't get the twins settled.

I don't know what's going on.

I can't find janine.

C.J., if they have a lot of

People down there to serve at

The help center, then it's

Gonna take a while to clean up.

And don't worry.

Margaret is there with her

Today.

How comforting, the lady

That thought it was in the navy.

You know what?

I think I need to go right back

Down to my house because jazmine

Only knows so much japanese.

She what?

C.J., the less you know, the

Better.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Will you pick up the phone?

C.J., relax, baby.

Janine is okay.

Yeah. Yeah.

You're probably right.

Yeah. Ja mata.

What?

That's japanese for --

Uh-uh-uh. You know what?

It's probably best if I don't

Know what y'all doing over

There.

You probably right. Love you.

Love you, too.

Be breezy.

[ babies crying ]

Ohh!

I'm coming! I'm coming, kids!

* oh, when the rice goes in

The pot *

* oh, when the rice goes in the

Pot *

* that is when I will add some

Water *

What is this mess?

What is this, baby?

Hyah! Ha ha! Baby, I'm

Making an authentic japanese

Dinner.

I'm crouching curtis, flying

Vegetables.

Hyah!

Curtis!

Hyah!

Curtis, you know food is

Going everywhere.

Don't -- what are you doing?

It's butterfly shrimp.

They fly.

What is this? What is this?

This is seaweed.

Seaweed?

Seaweed. Mermaids smoke it.

But we eat it.

Taste it.

Is it legal?

Yeah, yeah.

Curtis.

It's all right.

Dah dah dah dah!

That's so salty, baby.

That's because it's from the

Sea.

It's seaweed.

It's supposed to be salty, baby!

You know, japan is made up of

Mostly -- it is made up of

Mostly --

6,852 islands.

Oh, jazzy.

You look so beautiful.

Thank you.

Now, you see, uncle curtis got

This outfit for me.

That is the latest fashion

Of our people.

Oh. Oh. "Of our people"?

Yes. No. Uh-uh.

Don't do that.

That's disrespectful.

What?

You're not a part of this.

It's us.

[ chuckles ]

You all up in my "Chi."

You're all up in our "Chi."

Get out the "Chi," ella!

Get out the "Chi."

Excuse me, baby.

I do not want to be all up in

Your "Chi."

Ooh! I love japan!

I love it!

Hey, baby, I took jazzy to a

Authentic japanese market, you

Know what I'm saying?

Really?

Oh, baby, it was the real

Deal, wasn't it, jazzy?

Yes.

I mean, they was for real.

They didn't even speak

American, but it didn't matter

To us, though.

Did jazzy help you with the

Language?

She didn't have to help me.

No. Baby, I was amazed at how

Much japanese I knew.

Oh, really?

Baby, I'm like a sponge!

You know what I'm saying?

I mean, I soak this stuff up!

I went up in there, and I was

Like, "Give me 3 pounds of tuna!

Hyah!"

No, you didn't.

Oh, yes. Yes, he did.

Just like that.

Curtis.

And at first, they stared at

Me.

They just stared like this.

They looked at me -- because

They were just amazed that I

Knew the language.

Hmm. [ chuckles ]

And you should have seen

Them.

They couldn't get that food in

That thing fast enough and get

Me up out of there.

I bet they couldn't.

So I got my rice cooking, I

Got my fish, and all I got to

Do -- it's so funny because they

Don't have -- I don't know what

Temperature to put the oven on,

Baby.

What are you making, baby?

I'm cooking sushi.

Um, uncle curtis...

You do not cook sushi.

Sushi is actually raw fish.

Jazzy, if you don't stop

That lying.

Curtis, she is right.

Sushi is eaten raw.

Even I knew that.

That's crazy.

Jazzy, why you didn't tell me

That before I bought all that in

The store?

Well, I didn't tell you lots

Of stuff.

Why not?

Because it was just so funny

Just watching you try to be

Japanese.

I mean, "Hyah!"

It was so funny.

[ laughs ]

Oh, stop it, jazzy.

That's so dramatic.

But not funny.

What else you didn't tell?

Well, "Feng shwa" is

Actually pronounced "Feng

Shway."

Oh.

And it's chinese.

Ooh!

No, you all up on my "Chi."

You all -- you messing up my

"Chi."

Uncle curtis, it is not

"Chi."

It's "Chee." it's "Chee."

[ laughs mockingly ]

But you know what's most

Important about all asian

Cultures?

Family.

And that's where japanese

Doesn't have nothing on you.

Why you say that?

Lots of japanese families

Live under the same roof their

Whole lives.

I'm really glad that you love

Japanese so much, uncle curtis,

And I really hope that it means

That we can all move back in

With you!

[ laughs ]

[ speaking fake japanese ]

Curtis!

Curtis!

What?

What did you just say?

I said, "No!"

I'm through with it.

I ain't being japanese no more.

I don't want no "Feng shwa,"

I don't want no chi-chee-chi.

I don't want nothing.

I don't want no shrimp.

I don't want nothing else.

I'm done. It's over.

Adiós!

[ speaking japanese ]

Watch your mouth.

What did you just say?

Auntie ella, I said that I

Got your sofa back.

Oh. Hyah!

I'm sorry. Okay.

[ groaning ]

Here we go. All right.

Just...

Okay.

Oh.

All right.

I can't -- I can't do this,

Okay?

I-I did -- you asked me to

Get your stuff.

I'll call somebody.

Janine?

What the hell?

No. C.J., c.J., it's not

What it looks like. Just wait.

Blue?

I told you to stay away from my

Wife.

Stop! Wait, wait, wait.

Stop, stop! C.J., c.J.!

Wait, no! He's dying!

What?!

He's dying.

He has aids, he has aids.

That's not your problem!

But I think I'm supposed to

Help him, c.J.

What? No.

You're supposed to be home with

Your family!

No.

He looks like he needs to be in

A hospital anyway.

C.J., I promised.

You what?!

I promised I would get him

Into a hospice, okay?

No, go home.

Look. You're going home.

Just wait.

You're going home!

C.J., wait!

You're going home now!

Yeah. Go on home.

Just --

Now, janine!

[ coughing ]

Okay. Wait, wait, wait. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Breathe, breathe, breathe.

[ groaning ]

Okay. All right. Breathe.

Breathe. Breathe, blue.

Okay?

Oh, no, no, no, no. No, no.

Curtis! Curtis, no!

Why is this map out, baby?

I finally found a country

That speak my language...

Beer!

[ laughs ]

Baby, where you get this

Outfit?

Ha!

Uh-uh.

You heard?

Uh-uh!

[ both laugh ]

* yodel-le-hee-hoo

Uh-uh.

* yodel-le-hee yodel-le-hee

Yodel-le-hee yodel-le-hee *

Curtis, please.

* yodel-le-hee

Don't start!