Original subtitles

* deck the halls with boughs

Of holly *

* fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

* 'tis the season to be jolly

* fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

* don we now our gay apparel

* fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la

* troll the ancient yuletide

Carol *

* fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

Merry christmas!

Thank you guys for coming by!

[ all talking at once ]

And a yada yada yada,

Yada yada.

You know what?

The bass was kind of flat,

Though.

* fa-la-la-la-la, I'm gonna

Check on the twins *

Don't you just love christmas

Carols?

Not as much as I love

Christmas presents.

Jazi, come on, cut that out.

You're not supposed to know

What's in the boxes until

Christmas.

That's days from now.

What if something happened to me

Between now and then?

I'll never know what I got.

Well, if something happens to

You, it won't matter what you

Got.

Now, come on, put the presents

Back under the tree.

You're not the boss of me.

Ah, ah, ah.

Excuse me, you two. Hey!

What happened to all of that

Christmas cheer that was just in

Here a couple of minutes ago?

Both: sorry, auntie ella.

Thank you.

Hey, you know what, though?

I agree with jazi.

I don't understand why we have

To wait to open presents.

You see that?

Matter of fact, I read

Somewhere that jesus wasn't

Even born on december 25th.

Curtis.

Baby, it's a man-made-up

Date...

So does that mean I can open

All my presents now?

One.

Yes!

[ giggling ]

That's a good one.

Okay.

I wonder what's in this box.

It's the perfect size to be a --

What the heck is this?

Jazi.

What?

This is the nativity scene.

Baby, do you know why you got

This gift?

Because someone did their

Christmas shopping at a garage

Sale?

Jazmine.

[ laughs ]

Ooh, that's a good one.

That's not a good one.

That's not funny.

No, no, no, it's okay.

It's okay, janine.

Jazmine, have you forgotten the

True meaning of christmas?

Oh, no.

Auntie ella, please, not the

Baby jesus story, again.

That's a good idea.

I think that's a really good

Idea.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

In the city of bethlehem...

[ all groan ]

Many, many, many --

Miranda!

Hi, family.

Hi, baby.

Saved by the family.

You look good.

You do look cute.

Have a seat.

I'm telling the baby jesus

Story.

Again.

And again.

In the city of bethlehem,

Many, many years ago...

Okay, baby, baby, baby,

Please!

We don't have time for

Ella payne's painful christmas

Story.

Oh, please, curtis,

No, no, no.

Let me tell the story.

Come on, curtis. No!

I've been practicing.

I've been practicing.

I vote for pop's version.

Thank you.

Uncle curtis --

That's my children right

There.

Do not play with the birth of

Jesus.

Ain't nobody playing with the

Birth of jesus!

What you think this is, girl?

[ laughs ]

I'm just gonna make it

Interesting, that's all.

First, we need to back up to

Back in the day, to a place

Called bethlehem.

So there was this fine stallion

Of a man -- handsome, noble --

That owned a quaint little inn.

He was just trying to close up

For the night when up come two

Travelers off the streets,

Joseph and mary.

Oh, my bad. My bad.

Just throwing out the sewage.

Excuse me, sir.

My poor wife is about to give

Birth.

We need a place to stay.

Well, I'm sorry.

There's no room in the inn.

So, uh, you should have made

Reservations.

Woman with child.

Oh, we have no room here, but we

Have a barn.

Please come.

We can make room for your family

There.

It's the best we can do.

Bless you.

We are truly grateful.

This way.

Hey, man.

We were out in the field tending

Our flock.

Well, yeah.

I could smell you coming, dude.

And an angel came to me and

Said that something special was

Gonna happen here.

Oh, you know what?

Some pregnant chick did just

Come through here.

She's giving birth to the

Savior of mankind, the king of

Kings!

Elvis?

No!

Dude!

He's the savior of all mankind.

Why didn't you say so, dude?

The savior of mankind -- I sent

Them to the stable.

Which way to the stable?

You might want to watch your

Stick there, homey.

The stable's that way.

Oh, god, I'm bushed.

[ sighs ]

Check out them threads!

Excuse me, players?

[ chuckles ]

Player convention this way.

Oh, dear wise innkeeper,

Thank you for your welcome.

Thank you for your -- your

Welcome.

And hut. Okay.

And we hear that there is a

Blessed event that is going to

Take place here tonight.

Yes.

He has brought frankincense and

Myrrh, and I -- I have brought

Gold.

Yes.

It is to honor our savior.

I thought there was supposed

To be three of you.

Recession.

Oh. It hit everybody.

[ chuckles ]

Just a touch.

Hark.

Is that heavenly music I hear?

I believe I hear it, too.

Unh.

Unh, unh, unh.

Innkeeper!

Innkeeper!

Why art thou breathing so

Hardeth?

Innkeeper, a child is born.

Why is she breathing hard?

The stable is right there.

A child is born.

That is what we have come

For.

Miss, please, please lead the

Way -- lead the way.

Take us to him.

Right. Ready? Okay.

Ooh! Blessed be thou.

Thank you for thy gold.

The hell?

Is this chocolate?

This is chocolate.

This is...

Oh, no.

Curtis, I cannot believe

That your innkeeper was

Exploiting these holy people.

What? He was a businessman.

He was running a business, ella.

That was the worst version of

The christmas story I have ever

Heard, curtis.

Well, that's how I remember

It.

Well, how I remember it,

Mary was a beautiful, kind, and

Giving person.

Well, mary shouldn't have

Been so cheap.

She should have left a big tip!

Look, I'll tell it.

I'll tell it.

Wait.

Is there gonna be a pop quiz

After this?

No. See, everybody got the

Part about joseph a little

Confused.

Got it confused.

This is how it happened.

I'll tell how it happened.

[ knocking on door ]

What? What? What?

We desire a room, kind sir.

Oh, god. Okay.

I need two forms of I.D.,

References, and employment

History.

But -- but we just need a

Room.

Do you have a job?

Can you pay?

The lord will provide.

Does your lord have a job?

We can pay you, I assure you.

Well, we don't have no room

In the inn.

Sorry.

Well, why didn't you just say

That to begin with?

My loving and courageous

Husband, what shall we do?

Ooh. There's drama.

Hold on, hold on, partner.

Hold on!

You don't walk up in here like

You know me.

You don't know me, dawg.

Silence, grumpy man who owns

This house.

That's right! It's my house!

And I live in it, and it's full!

And you would know that if you'd

Have graduated, because you

Could read the sign --

No "Vacanacy."

Silence!

Let's go.

Ooh.

[ chuckles ]

Okay, let me get this

Straight.

So what you're saying is, my

Son, that joseph lost his mind,

Because that innkeeper would

Have made mary a widow.

It'd have been two to the head.

Pa-pow!

P-p-p-pow! Like that.

Yeah.

Whatever.

What's happening, family?

Family? We not your family.

You a freeloader.

Which is exactly why I'm

Here.

'tis the season to be getting.

It's giving.

It's the season to be giving.

We were sitting here telling

Jazmine about the nativity

Story.

Several versions of the

Nativity story.

Dear little one, there's

Only one version of the nativity

Story.

Thank you, floyd.

Mm-hmm.

And it should only be told by

Somebody that knows the bible.

Oh! Thank you, floyd.

Someone like me.

The birth of the savior

Wasn't just a big event -- it

Wa th event.

Yes, it was.

Come on, church.

I mean, to pull off something

Like that...

Hmm...

Had to take a very, very special

Person.

Ohh, yes.

Okay, okay, people.

Listen up. Listen up, all right?

Look, I've read your little

Story, and it's perfect, but

We're gonna need a re-write.

Wait a minute.

Who are you, and why are you in

My inn?

I am a hollywood producer.

I'm here to make your little

Story a hollywood blockbuster.

What the -- how the -- what

Is hollywood?

I can't get reception on my

Cellphone, f.J.

Really? Hmm.

You're in bethlehem. Duh!

There's not a cell tower for 20

Miles...

And 2,000 years.

Oh, okay.

So a latte's out of the

Question?

No.

Actually, if you go up the

Desert highway, you'll find

One right to the right, uh, at

The north star...Bucks.

Mr. Producer, what is wrong

With our story?

See, we need something that's

New.

Let's 86 the wise men. 86 'em.

86 the wise men. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Thank you. Ta-ta.

I'll tell you -- as a matter of

Fact, let's re-cast mary.

Send in a new ma-- send in a new

Mary.

New mary, come on in.

What?

Ah, yes, a professional

Actress.

All right. Left.

And right.

Fabulous.

Who's representing you?

Well, she's our new mary, yes.

Perfect.

No, no, no, no, no.

But I'm mary.

Sweetheart, my dear, little,

Sweet, beautiful bloated one,

It's not that you don't do good

Work, and we love you.

[ chuckles ]

But she's ready for the big

Screen, okay?

And as a matter of fact, keep my

Number.

We may call you for the

Sequel -- "Easter: the return."

You know, I'm calling my

Agent.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, no.

Look. We're a team.

Yes.

That is true.

You did come together, and

That's unfortunate, because

You're both fired.

[ laughs ]

Ta-ta. Thank you so much.

Bye.

Walk 'em out.

Thank you.

So now, at this point, I think

We're gonna need a new joseph.

As a matter of fact, I've got

It.

Send in -- hmm.

Send in the fat guy.

Send in the fat guy.

How's it going, nick?

Come on, ladies.

[ bells jingling ]

On, ladonna.

On, sharika.

On, vixenetta.

Call me later.

Over there, ladies.

That's what made him jolly.

[ laughs ]

What about the star?

The star?

Sant I the star.

I mean, see?

He brought us presents.

[ laughs ]

You know what?

We still need a hook, though.

I tell you what, we'll bring in

All the holidays.

How about that?

Anybody available?

Uh...

The easter bunny is available.

E.B. Is here?

Oh, my goodness.

I love his work.

As a matter of fact, why don't

You get him and get a funky,

Stinky turkey?

Okay, funky, stinky turkey

And easter bunny, come on in

Here.

I swear to --

Move out the way.

Why am I playing the turkey?

Hmm.

I will rabbit punch you.

Ooh!

[ squeaks ]

That's it -- passion,

Conflict.

Lights, camera, action!

Are you crazy?

Please, floyd.

Have you lost your whole mind?

Baby, he ain't got no mind.

It's your move.

I cannot believe you would

Just make fun of the nativity

Story.

Ain't that ridiculous?

I'm so ashamed of you.

You should be ashamed.

Curtis, be quiet!

You, too.

Baby girl, you gonna talk to

Me like that in front of all

These people?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Yes, I am.

You two are just making fun of

The birth of christ.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, please, calvin.

I'm surprised at you.

You are about to be a father

Of another child.

What if we...

Made fun of that birth?

Mom, I was just -- you know

What, I'm sorry.

I know the importance.

Well, mary and joseph went

Through a lot, and that would

Test anybody's faith, but they

Did it.

I know my faith is the only

Thing that brought me back.

That and a couple of

Plainclothes policemen.

Think back to when you had

Your retirement party, baby, and

How you felt when everybody made

Fun of you with the little

Roast.

How'd you feel?

I felt roasted.

But it was funny, though.

Sometimes things shouldn't be

So funny.

You know, miss ella is right,

Because bringing a child into

This world is a precious gift

From god.

Not just any child.

We're talking about this child.

The holy child.

This birth was the single most

Significant event in human

History.

Jazmine, I know everybody --

Move, floyd.

Everybody capitalizes on

Christmas, and you buy gifts,

And you buy toys, and then the

Birth is forgotten about.

It's looked over.

And we pay no attention to what

God really did when he sent this

Baby, the savior of the world.

People are trying to take the

Christ out of christmas, but you

Can't even say the word without

Saying "Christ."

Jazmine, this is not just a

Story.

This is not just a gift.

This...

This was a miracle for all of

Us.

So much for a silent night.

Hi, brown.

What'd I do?

Dressed like that, you have

To ask?

I told you you look a mess!

Curtis, don't hate me 'cause

I'm festive.

"Festive" is not the word I

Was looking for.

You look like a ghetto ornament,

Brown.

Who got the "Negativity"

Scene for christmas?

That's "Nativity," mr. Brown.

Oh. What y'all doing?

Brown, we were just telling

The story of the birth of jesus.

Both: ohh!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

It was a holy night.

Yes, it was holy.

It was a silent night.

It was -- nah, it wasn't

Silent, because it was raining.

It was storming.

Picture it -- sicily.

Unh-unh.

They was going down and had

Borrowed a donkey from a man

That had donkeys because he was

Renting donkeys, and they went

Down to this inn.

And then they say, "Well, we

Ain't got no more room, man,

Because all them germans--"

Because they were having the

German shepherds, and the german

Shepherds were hopping through

There like this.

And they went down there, and

They say, "Y'all got to go

Down to the other motel."

So they went down to the

Holy-day inn.

Mary had the baby --

Enough. Enough. That's it.

That's it, brown.

Well, thank you.

I thought we would bring some

Christmas cookies I made by.

I needed christmas cookies.

Cora, that's your idea of a

Present?

Well, curtis, I ain't seen

No gifts from you under our

Tree, neither.

I'll whup your butt.

You know what?

After what I've heard tonight,

This is the best christmas

Present of all.

And it's so beautiful.

I bought that.

From a garage sale.

* silent night

* holy night

* all is calm and all is

Bright *

* 'round yon virgin mother

And child *

* holy infant so tender and

Mild *

* sleep in heavenly peace

* sleep in heavenly peace

Baby, why is brown opening

Up our gifts?

No, he is not opening up the

Gifts!

He's opening up our

Christmas gifts.

What are you doing?

Put the present down!

Baby, baby, baby, get him!

He gonna knock the tree over!

* and a partridge in a pear

Tree *

* on the fourth day of christmas

My true love gave to me *

* four calling birds

* three french hens

* two turtle doves

* and a partridge in a pear

Tree *

* on the fifth day of christmas

My true love gave to me *

* fried onion rings

[ laughter ]

All: from our family to

Yours, merry christmas, and a

Happy new year.

[ laughs ]