Original subtitles

HELLO?

HELLO?

OH! AH!

UNCLE CURTIS, WHAT'S WRONG?

BABY?

THEY'RE TURNING MY HOUSE

INTO A HOMELESS DAY CARE

CENTER, THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG.

CURTIS, BABY, WHY ARE YOU

DRESSED LIKE THIS?

YOU KNOW LIZ AND LARRY ARE ON

THEIR WAY.

WAIT.

HA HA!

YOU ARE SNEAKING OUT OF THIS

HOUSE.

YEAH, I'M SNEAKING OUT.

SO WHAT, ELLA?

I'M SNEAKING OUT.

WHY I GOT TO BE HERE ANYWAY?

THEY'RE NOT MY PARENTS.

THEY'RE JANINE'S PARENTS.

[ WHIMPERING ]

I THINK I SPRAINED MY ANKLE,

BABY.

YOU'RE FAKING.

NO, I'M NOT FAKING.

SHUT UP!

CURTIS, HELP ME WITH THE

CLEANING.

WHERE'S MALIK?

I'VE GOT COMPANY.

[ LAUGHING DEVILISHLY ]

OH, OH, RONDO PASSES TO K.G.

FOR THE DUNK!

AH! SCORE!

HA HA!

SEE THAT?

THAT'S TEAMWORK.

SPEAKING OF TEAMWORK, WE NEVER

GOT TO FINISH OUR DATE.

NO, WE DIDN'T.

SO YOU WANT TO FINISH IT

TONIGHT AT MY HOUSE?

UH...

YOUR DAD'S A COP.

HE'S WORKING LATE.

OKAY.

SO, UH, WHAT TIME?

6:00 SHARP.

OKAY.

* DON'T BE LATE

I WON'T BE.

[ IMITATING MALIK'S LAUGH ]

SEE, BUT -- BUT SHE WAS --

STOP STUTTERING.

BUT --

LOOK, I NEED YOU TO HELP ME

CLEAN THE GARAGE BEFORE YOUR

GRANDPARENTS GET HERE, ALL

RIGHT?

SO MEET ME OVER THERE.

* AND DON'T BE LATE

[ SMOOCHES ]

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

CURTIS, YOU KNOW YOU HEARD

THAT BELL.

AND YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE

HELPING ME CLEAN UP.

COMING!

HI, LIZ!

COME ON IN!

COME ON IN.

WE'RE SO GLAD TO SEE YOU.

NOT WE, SHE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU HAVE TO

COME IN THE FIRST PLACE.

WHY YOU ALL COULDN'T CHECK IN

A HOTEL THIS TIME?

* CURTIS, DON'T BE RUDE

WE WANTED TO SAVE SOME

MONEY.

THE AIRLINE CHARGED $25 FOR

EXTRA BAGS, AND LIZ HAD 3

OF THEM JUST FOR MAKEUP.

AH! WELL, THOSE ARE SOME

IMPORTANT BAGS.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU LEFT THEM AT

THE AIRPORT.

ANYWAY, IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT

THE MONEY.

WE DIDN'T WANT TO MISS ONE

MINUTE WITH OUR BEAUTIFUL

GRANDCHILDREN.

JANINE!

MOMMY AND DADDY ARE HERE!

BRING OUT THE GRANDBABIES.

[ GIGGLING ]

HI!

OH, BRING HIM HERE.

HI.

THIS IS JAYDEN.

OH, LOOK AT YOU.

LARRY, LOOK.

JAYDEN HAS YOUR HAIRLINE.

OH, AND LOOK.

[ BABY CRYING ]

HAYDEN'S CRYING.

SHE HAS YOUR PERSONALITY.

OH, OH.

JANINE?

YES?

I THINK THE BABIES ARE

HUNGRY.

NO, THEY JUST NEED TO BE PUT

DOWN FOR A NAP.

ARE YOU SURE?

THEY SEEM HUNGRY TO ME.

NO, WE JUST FED THEM.

LIZ, I'M SURE THEY KNOW WHAT

THE KIDS NEED.

WELL, ARE YOU BREAST-FEEDING?

[ RETCHING ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

YES.

WELL, MOSTLY.

WE USE FORMULA SOMETIMES.

[ GASPS ]

WHAT?

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU JUST FEED

THEM ARSENIC?

FORMULA IS FATTENING.

OH, THESE BABIES WEIGH ABOUT AS

MUCH AS I DO!

THAT'S NOT HARD.

YOU'RE A STICK, LIZ.

IF A WIND COME RIGHT NOW, IT'LL

BLOW YOU RIGHT OVER.

NOW, HOLD UP, CURTIS.

NO, IT'S OKAY.

JANINE?

THANK YOU.

I GOT HIM.

I'VE GOT THIS.

YOU GOT THAT?

MM-HMM.

OKAY.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

YOU'RE SO FAT THAT YOUR DRIVER'S

LICENSE SAYS, "PICTURE CONTINUED

ON THE OTHER SIDE."

YOU'RE SO SKINNY,

YOUR TWIN IS A CHOPSTICK.

OH, PLEASE.

YOU'RE SO FAT THAT PEOPLE JOG

AROUND YOU FOR EXERCISE.

YOU'RE SO SKINNY,

YOUR LEGS LOOK LIKE CRUTCHES.

YOU'RE SO FAT, YOU KNOW,

YOU COULD SELL SHADE.

NEXT TOPIC.

BEST SINGER EVER.

OH, THAT'S EASY.

QUEEN OF SOUL, ARETHA FRANKLIN.

NO, QUEEN OF HIP-HOP,

MARY J.

OH, NO, NO, MY GIRL,

TONI BRAXTON.

NUH-UNH.

JOHNNY MATHIS.

WHAT?

HEY, YOU ALL CAN SLEEP ON JOHNNY

ALL YOU WANT, BUT "CHANCES ARE"

GOT ME MANY A LADY BACK IN THE

DAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

PAYNE!

I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

WAIT.

HERNANDEZ, I CAN'T DEAL WITH YOU

RIGHT NOW.

NO, NO, NO.

NOT YOU.

THE LITTLE PAYNE.

THE PAIN IN MY [SPEAKS SPANISH]

MALIK!

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WHY YOU WANT TO TALK TO MALIK?

HI, ALEX.

OOH.

BYE, ALEX.

AH, NOT SO FAST, ROMEO, OKAY?

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

PRESSING "1" FOR ENGLISH.

OKAY.

AND IF YOU THINK YOU ARE

GOING TO COME INTO MY HOUSE

ALONE WITH MY DAUGHTER WHILE

I'M AT WORK, YOU GOT ANOTHER

THINK COMING.

[ MIMICKING ACCENT ]

AND YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN,

MAN, OKAY?

PAPA, WE'RE NOT GOING TO BE

ALONE.

ABUELA WILL BE THERE.

OH, COME ON.

YOU KNOW HOW ABUELA GETS AFTER

6:00.

BEERS.

WE JUST WANT TO EAT SOME

PIZZA AND WATCH A MOVIE.

LISTEN, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST

GET THEM A CHAPERONE?

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

CALVIN ISN'T DOING ANYTHING.

NO, NO, I GOT TO...

NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.

MIRANDA IS OUT OF TOWN

WITH HER MOM.

I GUESS I CAN DO IT.

NO, WAIT A SECOND.

I DON'T WANT ONE PAYNE IN MY

HOUSE.

WHY WOULD I WANT TWO?

WHAT IF MERCEDES CHAPERONES,

TOO?

UNH-UNH.

NO, NO, NO.

I HAVE PLANS TONIGHT.

I'M GOING OUT --

OH, NOT ANYMORE.

NEW PLAN, NEW PLAN.

I WANT YOU...

TO WATCH HIM.

WATCH HIM.

[ MIMICKING ACCENT ]

AND I WANT YOU...TO WATCH HER

WATCH HER.

[ MIMICKING ACCENT ]

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

YOU WANT ME TO WATCH HER WATCH

HER BECAUSE SHE'S WITH HIM?

[ MIMICKING ACCENT ]

NO.

I'M GONNA WATCH YOU

WATCH HIM WATCH HER.

[ MIMICKING ACCENT ]

I GOT A BETTER IDEA.

WHY DON'T YOU WATCH YOU

WATCH HIM WATCH YOU GET

THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE?!

OKAY, BUT WHY IS EVERYBODY

TALKING LIKE ME?

ELLA!

ELLA, BABY!

BABY, COME HERE!

BABY, WHAT IS IT?

I WAS HELPING LIZ CHANGE THE

BABIES.

WHAT?

BABY, WHERE'S THE REMOTE?

CURTIS, I KNOW YOU DID NOT --

I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, BABY...WELL, GO AND

CHANGE THE CHANNEL FOR ME, THEN.

I KNOW YOU DID NOT CALL ME

ALL THE WAY OUT HERE TO CHANGE

A CHANNEL!

NO, BABY, I DIDN'T CALL YOU

TO CHANGE IT, BUT SINCE YOU'RE

OUT HERE, YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST

CHANGE IT FOR ME.

YOU'RE RIGHT THERE.

THIS REMOTE IS GOING TO SEE

THE BABIES.

WELL, NOT RIGHT NOW.

LIZ, WE TALKED ABOUT THIS

BEFORE THE TRIP.

YOU AGREED NOT TO INTERFERE.

LARRY, PLEASE.

BUT WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOING?

MOM, WE ALREADY TOLD YOU.

WE'RE GOING TO TAKE THE TWINS

TO GET SOME FRESH AIR.

NO, NO, NO.

NO, NO, NO.

IT IS JUST WAY TOO COLD TO TAKE

THOSE SWEET YOUNG BABIES

OUTSIDE.

LIZ, WE KNOW WHAT WE'RE

DOING.

WE RAISED TWO CHILDREN ALREADY.

UH, YEAH, WELL, NOW THAT I'M

HERE, I'LL MAKE SURE THAT THESE

TWO TURN OUT BETTER.

LIZ, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG

WITH OUR CHILDREN.

WILL YOU LEAVE THEM ALONE,

PLEASE?

LARRY, I'M NOT BOTHERING

THEM.

I'M ADVISING THEM.

PLEASE MOVE.

WE'RE LEAVING.

OVER MY DEAD BODY!

CAN I KILL HER?

CAN I KILL HER?

CURTIS, PLEASE.

[ GIGGLING ]

COME ON.

HA HA HA! MMM!

WORKS EVERY TIME.

OH!

[ WHISTLE BLOWS ]

[ INDISTINCT TALKING ]

WHY DID YOU QUIT?

ABUELA, WE PLAYED 5 GAMES.

AND IT'S DARK.

BACK IN MY COUNTRY --

OH, NOT AGAIN.

WELL, EXCUSE ME.

YOU SHUT UP.

I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU.

I AM TELLING A STORY.

WE USED TO PLAY IN THE DARK, IN

THE MUD, IN THE RAIN, IN THE

SNOW.

WE USED TO PLAY ON BROKEN GLASS

WITH NO SHOES.

YOU WANT TO SEE?

NO, NO, NO!

OKAY.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

DID WE COMPLAIN?

OF COURSE WE DID.

BUT NOBODY CARED.

NOBODY.

ABUELA, IT'S HAPPY HOUR.

WELL, YOU'RE TOO LATE.

I GOT HAPPY TWO HOURS AGO.

SO, ALEX, YOU WANT TO GO

FINISH SHOOTING SOME HOOPS?

YEAH.

HOLD UP, HOLD UP.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA TAKE THE BALL?

OH, WELL, WE JUST WANT TO GO

LOOK AT THE STARS.

WAIT A MINUTE.

BUT IT'S CLOUDY OUT.

OKAY, HOW ABOUT THIS?

WE WANT TO BE ALONE AND AWAY

FROM YOU.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

WELL, HAVE FUN, GUYS.

AND STAY WHERE I CAN SEE YOU.

HERE, HAVE A SEAT, CALVIN.

WANT SOME WATER?

YEAH, I'LL TAKE SOME.

MAN, ALEX AND I BEAT YOU GUYS

3 OUT OF 5.

WE WERE GENTLEMEN.

WE LET YOU WIN.

YEAH, RIGHT.

AND, HECK, I DIDN'T KNOW I

WAS GOING UP AGAINST

CANDACE PARKER.

YOU DON'T EXACTLY LOOK LIKE A

BALLER.

OH?

AND WHAT EXACTLY DOES A BALLER

LOOK LIKE?

WELL, USUALLY THEY'RE NOT

AS PRETTY AS YOU.

OH, SO YOU THINK I'M PRETTY.

YOU A'IGHT.

STOP IT.

SO YOU HAVE JOKES, TOO, HUH?

YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW, I'VE

BEEN KNOWN TO TICKLE A FEW

FUNNY BONES.

HMM.

IS THAT BECAUSE YOU'RE

FUNNY-LOOKING?

[ LAUGHS ]

OH, I SEE YOU GOT JOKES, TOO.

SO YOU -- YOU DON'T THINK I'M

GOOD-LOOKING?

YOU A'IGHT.

YEAH.

UM, SO, CHAPERONE, THIS WAS

ALL RIGHT.

DESPITE THE FACT THAT I'M

STUCK WITH YOU ALL NIGHT.

YOU KNOW YOU LIKE ME.

WHOA! WHOA!

OH!

I AM SO SORRY!

I KNOW YOU'RE MARRIED.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

I JUST --

OH, MY GOD.

NO, NO, IT -- IT'S COOL.

NO, I MEAN, IT'S NOT COOL.

I AM MARRIED TO, UH, UH --

MIRANDA.

HER, YEAH.

OH, GOD.

OH, GOD.

MALIK!

HI, GUYS!

MALIK, MALIK.

HEY, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.

MAN, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.

DID YOU GUYS HAVE FUN?

OH, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.

SO, UH, CAN WE CAN WE ORDER

PIZZA NOW?

YEAH.

I'M STARVING.

SURE, YEAH, YEAH.

YOU GRAB THE PHONE.

YOU GUYS CAN ORDER WHATEVER YOU

WANT.

SO, UH, YOU GUYS HAVING FUN?

NO!

NO, NO.

NO.

YOU KNOW, WE'RE JUST DOING

THE CHAPERONE THING.

HEY, YOU KNOW, WHY DON'T I JUST

GO GET THE PIZZA?

THEY DELIVER.

YEAH, BUT WHO'S WITH THAT

30-MINUTE THING?

I NEED SOME AIR.

HERE, YOU CAN TAKE MY CAR.

NO, I'M GONNA RIDE IN

MERCEDES.

I MEAN, I'M GONNA TAKE --

I'M GONNA TAKE MY CAR.

BE BREEZY.

DID WE MISS SOMETHING?

O, THEE, THOU, MY FATHER,

CREATOR OF HEAVEN AND RAIN

AND BEYONCE...

PLEASE GET THEE THOU THESE

PEOPLE OUT OF MY HOUSE!

PLEASE!

[ GROANS ]

OH, MAN.

MMM.

I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THIS A

LONG TIME AGO.

ONE MORE TIME, I'M-A KILL

THAT WOMAN.

UH, LORD?

OOH, I'M SORRY, UNCLE CURTIS.

I JUST NEEDED TO COME OUT AND

GET SOME AIR.

OKAY, BUT, LOOK, BABY, I CAME

OUT HERE TO GET AWAY FROM ALL

OF Y'ALL.

NOW, IF YOU DON'T MIND, THIS IS

THE PAYNE-FREE ZONE.

I UNDERSTAND.

I JUST NEEDED TO GET AWAY FROM

MY MOTHER.

SHE'S DRIVING ME A LITTLE BIT

CRAZY.

I KNOW I LOOK LIKE I CARE...

BUT REALLY I DON'T.

UNCLE CURTIS, PLEASE.

OKAY.

SIT DOWN, JANINE, BUT DON'T

TALK.

ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.

I PROMISE, YOU WON'T HEAR A --

YOU JUST SAID SOMETHING.

BUT AFTER THIS.

NOT A PEEP.

YOU KNOW SHE'S BEEN LIKE THIS

SINCE I WAS LITTLE, HUH?

SHE -- SHE'S OVERBEARING.

SHE'S NOSY AS ALL GET OUT AND,

OH, MY GOSH, INCREDIBLY BOSSY.

AND GRUMPY AND SLEEPY AND

DOPEY.

YES!

I KNOW.

JANINE.

YOU OKAY?

NO!

GOD!

THERE YOU ARE!

I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU

EVERYWHERE.

KILL ME!

LIZ!

I TOLD YOU TO LET HER COOL OFF.

DO ME A FAVOR.

JUST COME HOLD THIS.

I'M GONNA DROWN MYSELF.

JUST -- JUST HOLD THE GLASS.

I'LL PUT MY HEAD IN.

COULD SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP

ME WITH THESE CRYING BABIES?

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, BEFORE I

CRY MYSELF.

YOU DON'T LIKE ME, DO YOU?!

YOU JUST DON'T LIKE ME!

[ ALL TALKING AT ONCE ]

DOESN'T JAYDEN CRY MORE THAN

HAYDEN?

YOU SAID IT LAST NIGHT, DIDN'T

YOU, BABY?

LIZ, LIZ, GIVE HER A BREAK.

JANINE?

JANINE?

JANINE, MAKE SURE YOU TIP

CARLTON BACK JUST A BIT WHEN

YOU'RE FEEDING HIM, SO HE

DOESN'T DEVELOP BUBBLES

IN HIS TUMMY.

CARLTON?

MOM, HIS NAME IS JAYDEN.

YES, BUT -- BUT CARLTON IS

MUCH MORE DIGNIFIED.

JAYDEN IS JUST SO...

GHETTO.

MOTHER, HOW IS JAYDEN

A GHETTO NAME?

JUST IS.

I -- THAT'S IT.

THAT'S IT.

I CAN'T TAKE YOU TELLING ME WHAT

TO DO ANYMORE.

I CAN'T FEED THEM RIGHT.

I CAN'T HOLD THEM RIGHT.

I DON'T WASH THEM RIGHT.

CARLTON?!

I CAN'T NAME MY OWN CHILDREN?

EXCUSE ME FOR CARING!

* HOLD ON A MINUTE

* HOLD ON A MINUTE

* HOLD ON A MINUTE

THAT YELLING IS REALLY NOT GOOD

FOR THE CHILDREN, OKAY?

SO I WILL JUST TAKE CARLTON -- I

MEAN, UH, UH, JAYDEN INTO THE

KITCHEN WHILE YOU TWO WORK THAT

OUT, PLEASE.

JANINE, YOU HAVE GOT TO

LEARN HOW TO TAKE CRITICISM.

NO.

NO.

YOU HAVE TO LEARN THAT I AM

THEIR MOTHER.

YOU'RE NOT.

YOU HAVE TO LET ME RAISE MY OWN

CHILDREN, MOM.

WELL, I'M SORRY.

I'M NOT GONNA STAND HERE AND

WATCH YOU DO A TERRIBLE JOB AT

IT!

TERRIBLE JOB?

GOD.

MOM, DID YOUR MOTHER DO THIS TO

YOU?

YES.

AND HOW DID IT MAKE YOU FEEL?

CRAZY!

I JUST...

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT

I CARE.

I KNOW YOU CARE, MOM, BUT

I NEED YOU TO BACK OFF.

LET ME RAISE MY CHILDREN.

ALL RIGHT.

FINE.

JANINE.

I...

[ SIGHS ]

I APOLOGIZE.

OKAY.

UM, ISN'T HAYDEN KIND OF A

GIRLY-SOUNDING NAME?

YEP.

HAYDEN IS A GIRL.

UH, RIGHT.

BUT WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF YOU

JUST CHANGED THEIR NAMES --

MOM!

NO, NOT AGAIN.

DIDN'T WE JUST -- WHAT -- DIDN'T

WE JUST TALK ABOUT THIS?

I'M JUST SAYING,

SAY PENDLETON.

SAY IT WITH ME.

PENDLETON.

WINDSOR.

ELIZABETH.

JAYDEN, HAYDEN --

VALIUM.

VALIUM!

VALERIE!

ROOSEVELT!

HEY!

IT'S ALMOST MIDNIGHT!

THIS DATE IS OVER!

PAPA, IT'S NOT OVER YET.

OH!

LOOK.

I LOVE THIS MOVIE.

THIS IS THE BEST PART.

LOOK, LOOK.

THAT GUY KILLS THAT GUY.

AH!

GO HOME.

GO TO BED.

LET'S GO.

WELL, ALEX, I JUST WANT TO

SAY I HAD A REALLY GREAT TIME.

YES, THAT'S GOOD.

MALIK, YOU FEEL THAT?

THAT'S A WEAPON.

GO HOME.

BYE.

BYE, MALIK.

SEE YOU TOMORROW.

BYE, CALVIN.

I HAD A GREAT TIME.

I MEAN, UH, A GOOD TIME.

I MEAN...GOOD NIGHT.

IT WAS MY PLEASURE.

I MEAN, UH, YOUR PLEASURE.

UM...GOOD NIGHT.