Original subtitles

SO I WENT AND GOT IN THE

BATHTUB, RIGHT? THEN IT GRABBED

ME BY MY LEG.

I SNATCHED IT OFF, AND THEN I

SHOOK IT. THEN I FLUNG IT

AGAINST THE WALL, AND IT JUMPED

BACK ON ME.

[GAGS]

AND IT HAD ME BY THE NECK, AND

IT POKED ME IN THE EYE. IT WENT

DARK, DAWG. IT WENT DARK. I

IT WENT DARK.

I COULDN'T SEE NOTHING.

GOOD MORNING.

AM I INTERRUPTING?

ACTUALLY, YOU ARE.

GO ON, FLOYD.

YEAH, SO WHAT WAS IT?

IT WAS VANITA'S PONYTAIL

WEAVE.

EW!

MAN!

SO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOU

GOT INTO A FIGHT WITH SOME HAIR?

HEY.

UNTIL YOU'VE HAD AN EXPERIENCE

WITH SOFT 'N' SILKY NUMBER 5,

DON'T SAY NOTHING TO ME ABOUT

IT.

WHOA!

[ LAUGHS ]

LOOK, ANYWAY.

BABY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I THOUGHT YOU HAD AN APPOINTMENT

WITH THE BABY DOCTOR.

BABY DOCTOR?

AW, ARE YOU -- ARE YOU PREGNANT?

WE'RE TRYING.

TRYING?

I JUST HUG MY WIFE, AND SHE GETS

PREGNANT.

[ LAUGHS ]

LISTEN, BABY.

SO THE DOCTOR PUT ME ON A

SCHEDULE SO THAT WE CAN BE AWARE

OF THE DAYS WE'RE MOST LIKELY TO

CONCEIVE.

THAT SOUNDS ROMANTIC.

CALVIN, FOCUS.

OKAY.

SO LISTEN.

SO WHEN IT'S TIME, I'M GONNA

GIVE YOU A CALL, AND I'M GONNA

SAY, "BABY, COFFEE'S READY."

AND YOU DROP WHATEVER YOU'RE

DOING, AND YOU COME RIGHT HOME.

HA HA!

Y'ALL HEAR THAT?

SO, BASICALLY WHAT SHE SAID IS,

WHENEVER SHE'S "READY," SHE'S

GONNA CALL ME, AND WE GET TO GO

HAVE COFFEE.

MM-HMM!

YEAH, SO, BABY, LISTEN.

YOU HAVE TO COME HOME WHENEVER I

CALL YOU BECAUSE IT'S ONLY A

SMALL WINDOW OF TIME.

SO, WAIT A MINUTE.

LET ME GET THIS RIGHT.

HMM?

WHENEVER YOU'RE "READY," NO

MATTER WHERE YOU ARE -- YOU

COULD BE IN TRAFFIC, DOWNTOWN

CONNECTOR, 5:00 P.M. -- YOU GUYS

ARE GONNA PULL OVER AND...

MM, MAKE SOME COFFEE, GIRL.

YES.

OOH!

[ SIREN ]

[ HORN HONKS ]

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

[ INDISTINCT TALKING ]

THIS IS WHEN HE GONNA BASH IN

HER HEAD AND THE BLOOD GONNA

SQUIRT ON THE LADY NEXT TO HIM

AND THE DOOR GONNA BE LOCKED.

SHE CAN'T GET OUT.

DO YOU MIND?

WE TRYING TO WATCH A MOVIE HERE.

WELL, GO WATCH IT AT YOUR

HOUSE ON THE HOMELESS CHANNEL.

WHAT BE ALL THE NOISE ABOUT?

LOOK WHAT'S ON, BABY.

LOOK WHAT'S ON.

OH, CURTIS, THIS IS OUR

MOVIE!

REMEMBER THIS? REMEMBER?

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

LOOK AT THAT!

UGH!

HE DRINKING IT!

HE'S GONNA DRINK IT.

NOW IN TWO MORE SCENES, HE'S

GONNA DRINK SOME MORE BLOOD, AND

THEN HE'S GONNA EAT THE GUTS.

ALL RIGHT.

NOW THAT WE KNOW HOW THE MOVIE'S

GOING TO END.

[ TELEVISION SHUTS OFF ]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU DON'T --

I'M GONNA GET SOMETHING TO

DRINK.

EXCUSE ME.

OH, WAIT. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

AUNT ELLA, I FORGOT -- I HAVE A

FEW JOB INTERVIEWS THIS WEEK.

CAN YOU BABY-SIT THE TWINS?

B-BOTH OF THEM?

TWINS WITH AN "S," YES.

I CAN'T.

JANINE, I HAVE TO GO TO THE HELP

CENTER.

OHH.

I APPRECIATE THAT ANYWAY.

YES, YOU APPRECIATE -- WHEN

YOU GOT TO GO, BABY?

WHEN DID YOU GOT TO GO?

DON'T DO THAT.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

I'M JUST ASKING.

I'M JUST ASKING 'CAUSE I KNOW

YOU TOLD ME YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO

GO, YOU HAD A WEEK OFF.

SO I'M JUST CURIOUS WHEN YOU --

DON'T DO THAT.

THIS IS -- THIS IS CALLED

CATCH A LYING CHRISTIAN.

WAIT, CURTIS, DON'T DO THAT.

WHEN -- WHEN YOUR INTERVIEW?

WELL, I HAVE ONE MONDAY, THEN

I ALSO HAVE TWO THURSDAY, AND

THEN I HAVE ANOTHER ONE ON

FRIDAY.

YEAH.

SO YOU'RE GONNA WORK ALL THEM

DAYS?

NOW YOU CHANGED IT FROM 15

MINUTES AGO?

CURTIS, DON'T DO THAT.

YOU'RE LYING.

YOU'RE A LYING SAINT.

JUST TELL EVERYBODY YOU'RE A

LYING SAINT.

IT AIN'T THAT HARD.

I-I CAN'T DO IT.

OKAY.

WELL, SINCE AUNT ELLA CAN'T,

UNCLE CURTIS, WOULD YOU MIND

WATCHING THE TWINS FOR ME?

I'M WATCHING THEM NOW.

THEY A SCREENSAVER ON THE

COMPUTER.

THEY'RE CUTE THERE, BUT I

NEED YOU TO WATCH THEM IN

PERSON.

PLEASE CAN YOU?

NO.

WHY NOT?

EXSQUEEZE ME?

WHY -- WHY CAN'T YOU WATCH

THE TWINS?

WHY YOU ASKING ME WHY I

CAN'T?

'CAUSE I SAID SO.

I AIN'T GOT TO TELL YOU WHY I

CAN'T WATCH THEM KIDS.

THEM YOUR KIDS.

I CAN'T WATCH THEM BECAUSE I GOT

SOMETHING YOUR WIFE DON'T HAVE.

HEMORRHOIDS.

YEAH, YOU REAL FUNNY.

WELL.

NO, A JOB -- THAT'S WHAT I

GOT.

I'M TRYING TO GET A JOB.

NO ONE WILL WATCH THE TWINS.

BABY, I DON'T THINK IT'S A

GOOD IDEA FOR YOU TO LEAVE THE

TWINS WITH HIM ANYWAY.

YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.

LOOK, MA. I CAN GET A JOB.

MALIK, YOU ARE TOO YOUNG.

W-WHAT?

I'M TALKING ABOUT HE'S TOO

YOUNG.

AS BIG -- LOOK AT HOW BIG --

LOOK AT HOW BIG THIS BOY IS.

UNCLE CURTIS.

LOOK, HE WASN'T TOO YOUNG TO

STEAL MY MOTORCYCLE, WAS HE?

IF YOU CAN GET ARRESTED, YOU CAN

GET A JOB.

NO.

UNCLE CURTIS, THIS BOY'S PAPER

ROUTE WAS A FIASCO.

HE COULDN'T EVEN DELIVER OUR

PAPER ON TIME.

NO, MALIK.

I'M SORRY, SON -- NO JOB.

C.J., YOU DONE LOST YOUR

MIND.

YOU GOT A SON THAT WANT TO WORK,

AND YOU GONNA TELL HIM HE CAN'T

WORK?

MAN, GET OUT OF HERE WITH THAT.

WHEN I WAS HIS AGE, I HAD FIVE

JOBS.

I WAS 5 YEARS OLD WHEN I GOT MY

FIRST JOB.

I'LL NEVER FORGET IT.

I REMEMBER IT WAS THE FIRST JOB

I HAD.

IT WAS IN THE BLIZZARD OF --

OF -- OF '61.

IT WAS IN JUNE.

I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE SHOES TO GO

TO WORK IN.

I HAD TO GO TO MY COUSIN'S HOUSE

AND GET SOME SHOES BY 7:30 SO I

COULD COME BACK AND HAVE SHOES

ON SO I COULD GO TO MY JOB IN

THE SWAMP, WHERE I USED TO PICK

RICE.

THAT WAS MY FIRST JOB.

THAT WAS AT 8:00 IN THE MORNING.

MY SECOND JOB WAS IN ALABAMA,

THE NEXT STATE OVER.

CALVIN!

COME ON, MAN, WAKE UP.

YOU'RE GONNA LOSE ME CUSTOMERS.

I KNOW, FLOYD.

I'M JUST EXHAUSTED.

MIRANDA AND I HAVE BEEN HAVING

WAY TOO MUCH COFFEE.

BROTHER, YOU CAN NEVER MAKE

WAY TOO MUCH COFFEE.

YES, YOU CAN.

BESIDES, IT'S NOT AS FUN WHEN

IT'S SCHEDULED.

CALVIN, YOU NEED TO STOP

WHINING.

YOU KNOW HOW MANY MEN WOULD LOVE

TO BE IN YOUR SHOES?

THEY COULD HAVE MY SHOES IF I

COULD GET THE REST OF ME TO GO

TO SLEEP.

LOOK. DRINK THIS.

THIS WILL GIVE YOU ENERGY.

WHAT IS IT?

HELL, I DON'T KNOW.

BUT THE M IN MY FAMILY BEEN

DRINKING IT FOR YEARS.

I GOT GALLONS OF THIS STUFF IN

MY GARAGE.

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

I DON'T THINK SO, FLOYD.

NO, I CAN'T POUR IT BACK.

[ SIGHS ]

HEY, BABY.

OKAY.

All: COFFEE'S READY?

YEAH.

OKAY, I'LL DRINK IT.

OKAY, THAT'S GOOD.

[ GULPS ]

NO, NO.

OOH!

AHH!

HE'S GETTING A BALD SPOT

ALREADY.

UGH. WHOO!

ALL RIGHT!

I'M ABOUT TO DA-DA-DAZZLE.

ALL RIGHT, NOW!

BE BREEZY!

ALL RIGHT!

GO, TIGER, GO!

LAST ONE OF MY COUSINS DRANK IT

LIKE THAT, HE SWAM ALL THE WAY

BACK TO AFRICA.

HEY, MALIK.

HEY, MR. PAYNE.

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

HEY, WHERE CALVIN GOING?

HE ALMOST KNOCKED ME DOWN.

IS THAT POSSIBLE?

SO, WHAT'S GOING ON, SIZ-IR?

FL-ZIZ-OYD.

[ LAUGHS ]

HOW'S THE FIRE BUSINESS GOING?

SMOKING.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

HOW'S THE HAIR BUSINESS, FLOYD?

GROWING.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

EXCEPT RIGHT THERE.

EXCEPT RIGHT THERE.

OLD PEOPLE.

SO, I MEAN, WHAT I CAN I DO

FOR Y'ALL TODAY, BRO?

OH.

WE'RE LOOKING FOR A JOB, FLOYD.

OH, OKAY, BUT, UM, I DON'T

THINK WE GOT A PLACE FOR JHERI

CURLS BLOWING UP ANYMORE, SO YOU

DON'T HAVE TO PUT NO FIRES OUT

HERE.

OH, STOP.

I AIN'T TALKING ABOUT ME.

I'M TALKING ABOUT MALIK.

LOOK, I COULD SWEEP UP, RUN

ERRANDS, ANYTHINGOU NEED ME TO

DO.

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT!

Y'ALL HEAR THAT, GIRLS?

A GO-GETTER.

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

OH!

THAT'S SO WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL!

BOY, YOU A GO-GETTER.

REMINDS ME OF ME WHEN I WAS YOUR

AGE.

BOY, I REMEMBER...I WAS JUST

LIKE YOU EXCEPT...I WAS A LOT

TALLER, AND I WAS MORE HANDSOME,

AND I WAS MORE ATHLETIC.

I HAD A GIRLFRIEND, AND I HAD A

VEGA STATION WAGON.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

A C.B. ANTNA ON THE BACK.

OKAY.

LOOK, MAN, I GET IT, OKAY?

OKAY.

LOOK, WHEN CAN I START?

YOU CAN START RIGHT NOW...AS

SOON AS YOU WATCH THAT TONE,

ALL RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, FLOYD, I'LL SEE

YOU IN ABOUT A HOUR.

WE GOING TO LUNCH.

ALL RIGHT.

I'LL SEE Y'ALL.

ALL RIGHT.

WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE

GOING?

I'M GOING WITH YOU.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

YOU MESSED UP.

NEXT TIME I TELL YOU "SMACK A

CHICK," YOU SMACK HER.

LOOK HERE.

I NEED YOU TO DO SOMETHING FOR

ME.

I NEED YOU TO WATCH THE SHOP

BECAUSE I GOT SOMETHING VERY,

VERY IMPORTANT TO DO.

WELL, WHAT'S THAT?

I GOT TO TAKE A NAP.

AND LOOK HERE.

WHEN YOU FINISH -- GET THROUGH

STRAIGHTENING UP THE WHOLE PLACE

AND SWEEPING UP REAL GOOD, I

NEED YOU TO CLEAN THOSE CLIPPERS

OUT OVER THERE 'CAUSE THAT GIRL

KIKI A REAL TRIFLE, ALL RIGHT?

YO, WHAT'S UP?

I NEED A TRIM UP IN THE BACK.

I'M SORRY, MAN.

EVERYBODY'S ON BREAK.

WELL, COME ON, I CAN'T WAIT.

LOOK, I JUST STARTED A NEW JOB

TODAY, AND IT'S A BIG PROMOTION.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, LITTLE MAN?

CAN YOU TRIM ME IN THE BACK?

WELL, YEAH, UH, YEAH.

GO ON -- GO ON, SIT DOWN.

ALL RIGHT.

HEY, UH...HOW LONG YOU BEEN

CUTTING HAIR FOR?

WHO -- WHO ME?

UH, HOW LONG?

NOT -- NOT LONG.

[ CLIPPERS BUZZING ]

[ SIGHS ]

SO, UM, WHAT'S UP WITH YOUR NEW

JOB?

I'M IN CHARGE OF SALES, WHICH

IS A LOT OF RESPONSIBILITY.

I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

JUST THINK OF WHATEVER MAKES YOU

HAPPY, AND IT WILL RELAX YOU.

OKAY.

WELL, THAT WOULD BE MY GIRL.

WE'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH IT.

YOU HEARD OF DR. PHIL?

YEAH.

WELL, THEYALL ME DR. MALIK.

WHEN YOUR GIRL COMES UP TO YOU,

SHE, "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH,"

SHE ALL IN YOUR EAR, YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW -- YOU KNOW WHAT

THEY -- YOU KNOW.

WHO CARES WHAT THEY TALKING

ABOUT, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

LOOK, JUST THROW IN A FEW,

"UH-HUH.

MM.

OH, IS THAT RIGHT?

OKAY. I'M SORRY."

AND THEN WHEN YOU FINISH, JUST

BE LIKE, "LOOK, BABY.

I AIN'T EVEN SEE IT THAT WAY."

AND THEN YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT,

YOU KNOW?

ALL RIGHT.

THANKS, MAN.

[ BUZZING STOPS ]

THERE YOU GO.

OH, WOW.

THIS IS TIGHT.

HEY, THANKS FOR HOOKING A

BROTHER UP, MAN.

MALIK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

GIVING ME A TRIM UP IN THE

BACK.

HEY, YO.

THANKS FOR THE HOOKUP, MAN.

HOW MUCH I OWE YOU?

LOOK, MAN, I CAN'T ACCEPT

ANYTHING BUT TIPS.

LOOK, MAN.

WELL, HERE'S A $20 TIP.

WOW.

ALL RIGHT?

OKAY, DR. MALIK.

[ SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY ]

ALL RIGHT.

LOOK.

I GOT A 20.

THAT IS SUCH A COINCIDENCE.

I JUST MADE $20, TOO.

SO, ARE YOU NERVOUS?

A LITTLE.

WELL, LOOK, DON'T WORRY,

BABY.

WOMEN HAVE PROBLEMS GETTING

PREGNANT ALL THE TIME.

EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY.

I HOPE, BABY.

HEY, BABY, DO YOU WANT SOME

COFFEE?

HERE?

I-IN THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE?

YEAH.

OOH, YOU'RE A FREAK.

YOU'RE A FREAK.

BABY! ACTUAL COFFEE!

OH.

OH, Y-YEAH.

[ LAUGHS ]

I KNEW WHAT YOU MEANT.

NAW, I'M GOOD.

BABY.

BABY, WHAT IF I CAN'T HAVE KIDS?

WILL YOU THINK OF ME AS LESS OF

A WOMAN?

NO, BABY, I WOULD NEVER THINK

THAT.

IF WE CAN'T HAVE KIDS, WE'LL

JUST ADOPT OR TAKE ONE OF

C.J.'s.

HE WON'T MISS ONE.

[ LAUGHS ]

WE'LL BE THE NEXT BRAD AND

ANGELINA.

WILL YOU STILL LOVE ME?

OF COURSE I WILL, ANGELINA.

AW.

MR. AND MRS. PAYNE,

DR. JONES IS NOT HERE TODAY, SO

I WILL -- OH, NO!

IT'S YOU!

Both: IT'S HIM!

TYRONE AND MOESHA.

YOU'RE THE CRAZY PEOPLE WHO GET

MARRIED IN MY DELIVERY ROOM.

YEAH, AND YOU'RE THE CRAZY

DOCTOR FROM THE DELIVERY ROOM.

SO, HOW'S IT GOING?

YOU TELL US.

YOU HAVE THE RESULTS.

OH, YES.

SIT DOWN, PLEASE.

I MUST BRACE YOU FOR THE BAD

NEWS.

BABY.

I'M JOKING!

HA!

LITTLE DOCTOR HUMOR.

YOU GOT ME. [ CHUCKLES ]

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

MM-HMM. MM-HMM. MM-HMM.

AHA.

UH-OH.

U-UH-OH?

AIN'T NO "UH-OH" IN RESULTS.

YES, THERE IS UH-OH.

I SEE NOW WHY YOU'RE HAVING

TROUBLE CONCEIVING.

GO AHEAD AND TELL HER,

DOCTOR.

I ALREADY PREPARED HER FOR THE

WORST.

SHE'S READY.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, BABY.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

FRESH PRINCE IS RIGHT,

SHANAYNAY.

THERE IS ONLY ONE THING KEEPING

YOU FROM HAVING A BABY -- HIM.

LIL' WAYNE HERE HAS A LOW SPERM

COUNT.

WHAT?!

I GOT A LOW SPERM COUNT?

NO, I DEMAND A RECOUNT.

MAYBE ALL MY BOYS DIDN'T VOTE.

SHOOT, I GOT A MILLION MAN MARCH

GOING ON IN HERE.

NO, ACTUALLY, YOU GOT MORE

LIKE SIX GUYS IN A PARK PLAYING

BASKETBALL.

"THROW ME THE BALL, LEROY!"

"NO, NO, YOU THROW ME A BALL!"

OKAY, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

SO NOW THAT WE KNOW HE'S THE ONE

WITH THE LITTLE PROBLEM --

WHOA, WHOA!

I AIN'T GOT NO LITTLE PROBLEMS.

SO, DOCTOR, WHAT CAN WE DO?

WELL, JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE A

FEW BEERS SHORT OF A SIX-PACK OR

A COUPLE OF SANDWICHES SHY OF

THE PICNIC, YOU AIN'T GOT NO

SPRINKLES ON THE DOUGHNUTS, AND

THE DRIVEWAY DON'T MEET THE

ROAD --

OKAY, OKAY, I GOT IT.

I GOT IT. I GET IT.

IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CANNOT

CONCEIVE.

IT JUST MAKES IT A BIT

DIFFICULT.

OR YOU COULD ALWAYS ADOPT.

PSH! PSH!

ADOPT?

WE AIN'T ADOPTING.

WHO YOU THINK WE ARE -- BRAD AND

ANGELINA?

UNH-UNH.

BABY, JUST A MINUTE AGO WHEN

YOU THOUGHT IT WAS MY PROBLEM,

YOU WERE ALL ABOUT ADOPTING.

OH, BABY, THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU A

GIRL.

MY MANHOOD'S AT STAKE NOW.

TELL ME, MR. PAYNE -- DO YOU

WEAR BOXERS OR BRIEFS?

OKAY, WHY YOU IN MY BUSINESS?

I DON'T KNOW YOU LIKE THAT.

I DIDN'T ASK YOU IF YOU GOT ON

THONGS ARE BOY SHORTS.

I DON'T WEAR NO DRAWERS.

THAT'S WHY I GOT SEVEN KIDS.

HOW DO YOUR PEOPLE SAY IN THE

UNDERGROUND RAILROAD?

GIVE US US FREE!

IT'S LIKE THAT.

YOU SEE, IF YOU WEAR BOXERS, IT

GIVES MORE ROOM FOR YOUR MILLION

MEN TO MARCH.

IF NOT, THEN YOUR MILLION MEN

BECOME ONE MAN, AND HE IS SO

LONELY.

[ Imitating echoing ] "HELLO?"

SO, DR. JAFFE --

YES, BONQUISHA?

LISTEN -- MIRANDA.

WAIT, HE SAW THE FAKE I.D.s?

NOT NOW, BABY, NOT NOW.

SO IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE THAT

WE CAN DO?

YES, YOU SHOULD CUT BACK ON

ALCOHOL -- THAT MEANS NO MORE

40s -- AND CAFFEINE, AND MOST

IMPORTANTLY, YOU SHOULD MINIMIZE

YOUR STRESS.

[ CHUCKLES ]

LISTEN TO ME -- "MINIMIZE, CUT

BACK."

THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM NOW!

OKAY, YOU'RE STRESSING ME OUT

RIGHT NOW.

BECAUSE OF YOU, I JUST LOST A

THOUSAND MORE.

I'M SORRY, BABY.

OH, BABY, IT'S OKAY.

LISTEN.

WE'RE GONNA GO TO THE MALL, AND

WE'RE GONNA GET YOU SOME BIG-ASS

DRAWERS, OKAY?

SO I CAN BE BREEZY?

YOU CAN BE BREEZY.

THEN WE'LL GO HOME AND PRACTICE.

TIME TO MAKE SOME COFFEE?

OH, YEAH, BABY.

HOLLA.

MAN...I AIN'T HAD NO

CUSTOMERS ALL DAY.

THAT LITTLE BOY IS MESSING WITH

MY MONEY, FLOYD.

I'LL BEAT UP A KID.

I DON'T CARE.

HEY, HEY, HEY.

OOH, GIRL, I FEEL FOR YOU,

BUT MY POCKETS DON'T 'CAUSE

SINCE THAT BOY STARTED WORKING

HERE, MY CUSTOMERS HAVE DOUBLED.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, SINCE

YOU AVAILABLE, GO AHEAD AND PUT

SOME MORE MONEY IN THE METER

FOR MY CAR.

AND WHEN YOU GET BACK, MAKE SURE

YOU SWEEP UP EVERYTHING.

JUST TAKE A LITTLE OFF THE

TOP.

ALL RIGHT, NO PROBLEM.

I SEE YOU'RE REALLY POPULAR.

HOW LONG YOU BEEN CUTTING HAIR?

OH, LONG ENOUGH TO STACK UP

SOME MAJOR CHEDDAR.

LOOK, I MAY BE ONLY 14, BUT I'M

BALLIN'!

WOW.

WELL, YOU MUST BE THE MAN.

WELL, YOU KNOW, SOMETHING

LIKE THAT.

HEY, YOU WANT ME TO DO SOMETHING

SPECIAL?

HOW ABOUT I CUT YOUR NAME IN

YOUR HAIR?

NO, WHAT I WANT IS TO SEE

OUR NAME ON YOUR BARBER'S Y

LICENSE.

UH...W-WHAT'S THAT?

I'M INSPECTOR THOMPSON WITH

THE BOARD OF BARBERING AND

COSMETOLOGY.

Y'ALL HAVE BADGES?

YOU HAVE AN UNLICENSED

UNDERAGE EMPLOYEE WORKING HERE,

AND IF HE DOESN'T STOP CUTTING

HAIR IMMEDIATELY, I WILL SHUT

THIS PLACE DOWN.

HEY, HEY, LOOK, LOOK.

I DON'T KNOW HIM THAT WELL.

HE SAID HE WAS 37.

YEAH, I THOUGHT HE HAD THE

GARY COLEMAN THING GOING ON AND

ALL THAT.

YOU GET YOUR EMMANUEL LEWIS ON

UP OUT OF HERE.

WELL, I GUESS MY JOB HERE IS

DONE.

[ CLICKS TONGUE ]

BYE, BOOBOO.

YOU KNOW HIM?

KNOW HIM?

PSH, I CALLED HIM.

DON'T PLAY WITH KIKI'S MONEY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T LIKE THIS.

WAIT, WAIT. WATCH THIS, BABY.

HEY, BABY.

HI, MIRANDA.

CALVIN.

CALVIN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT'S THE MATTER, CAL?

YOU LOOK KIND OF DOWN, MAN.

HA! HA HA HA!

I GET IT.

"DOWN," LIKE MY SPERM COUNT.

WHAT?

WHOA, WHOA, HOLD UP.

TIMEOUT.

NOBODY TALKING ABOUT YOUR LITTLE

BUDDIES.

OKAY, CALVIN.

BABY, WHAT IS WRONG?

WELL, MISS ELLA, WE WENT TO

THE DOCTOR TODAY, AND WE FOUND

OUT THAT ACTUALLY IT'S CALVIN

THAT HAS THE LITTLE PROBLEM.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

I DON'T HAVE ANY LITTLE PROBLEM.

OKAY, LET ME REPHRASE IT --

HIS GUN IS SHOOTING, IT JUST HAS

NO AMMUNITION.

OH.

OH.

EW, EW, EW, EW. EW.

CURTIS.

PLEASE, DON'T.

I AIN'T GOT TO WORRY ABOUT

IT 'CAUSE I'M A PAYNE.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU GOT THAT

FROM.

YOU AIN'T GET IT FROM ME.

PAYNES ARE WARRIORS.

OH-BOO-DA LO-BOO-DA!

UGH!

GOT THAT FROM YOUR MAMA'S SIDE

OF THE FAMILY.

SEE THERE?

SEE, ELLA?

ALL THAT BREAST MILK, ALL THAT

NURTURING, ALL THAT BABYING YOU

WAS DOING?

I TOLD YOU.

NOW YOU GOT THE BOY -- YOU

KILLING HIS BA-- EVERY TIME YOU

BATHED HIM.

BATHED THAT BOY TILL HE 24 YEARS

OLD.

THAT DON'T MAKE NO SENSE.

EVERY TIME YOU BATHED HIM, YOU

WAS KILLING ONE OF HIS LITTLE

BUDDIES.

LOOK, COUSIN CALVIN.

THERE'S PLENTY OF THINGS YOU CAN

DO KEEP YOUR COUNT UP.

JUST DO WHAT I DO.

LOOK, JUST STAY OUT OF JACUZZIS,

STOP RIDING BICYCLES.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

DO WHAT YOU DO?

NO. NO, NO, NO.

L-LET HIM FINISH.

I WANT TO HEAR WHAT YOU DO TO

KEEP YOUR COUNT UP.

GO AHEAD. CONTINUE.

WHAT DO YOU DO TO KEEP YOUR

COUNT UP?

YES.

UH...

I WAS TALKING ABOUT -- I'M GONNA

COUNT MY MATH.

COUNTING.

YEAH.

YEAH. GO AHEAD.

GET COUNTING.