Original subtitles

UH!

H!

OK. HERE WE GO.

WE GO.

PUT IT OVER THERE.

R THERE.

BABY.

Y.

BABY, AREN'T YOU GONNA

T YOU GONNA

COME IN?

N?

YES, AS SOON AS YOU CARRY

AS YOU

ME IN.ARRY

N.

EXCUSE ME?

E ME?

SWEETHEART, THIS IS OUR FIRST

HI

TIME IN OUR NEW CONDO AS MAN

CONDO AS

AND WIFE.

SO...

SO YOU HAVE TO CARRY ME OVER

THE THRESHOLD. IT'S TRADITION.

HUH.

WAIT A MINUTE. YOU ARE NOT

GOING IN TILL I GO IN.

BABY, DIDN'T YOU JUST SEE ME

CARRYING THEM HEAVY BOXES UP THE

STAIRS? I'M NOT CARRYING

NO BIG OL' WOMAN.

WHAT? BIG OL' WHAT? NO!

THAT'S MY WIFE. THAT'S--

DON'T PUSH ME! STOP IT!

STOP IT!

WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR? MY

HUSBAND WAS SUPPOSED TO CARRY ME

OVER THE THRESHOLD.

TOLD YOU IT WAS HEAVY.

PEANUT, GET THE BOXES.

I KNOW YOUR KIND. ALL HIGH

MAINTENANCE AND WHATNOT. WATCH

HER, CALVIN.

HOW ABOUT WHEN THEY LEAVE I

CARRY YOU OVER THE BEDROOM

THRESHOLD?

OK.

AW...LOOK AT THE HAPPY

COUPLE. CALVIN. WOULD YOU GET

OUTSIDE AND HELP US, MAN?

MY BAD.

JUST COULDN'T HIRE MOVERS.

[SIGH]

DEAL WITH DUMB AND DUMBER.

OH. LET ME GUESS. THIS--THIS

IS THE PHOTO ALBUM WITH ALL

YOUR GRADE-SCHOOL PHOTOS, HUH?

OH, ACTUALLY, NO, BABY. NO,

BABY. NO. NO. NO! GIVE IT BACK,

CALVIN! CALVIN! NO. THAT'S NOT

FUNNY. GIVE ME...

UH...BABY, YOU LOOK JUST LIKE

THIS GIRL WITH THE BLONDE WIG.

YEAH, THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S ME.

BUT IT SAYS "GODIVA EBONY

JENKINS."

YEAH, I WAS GODIVA 2001

THROUGH 2002.

OK. SO WHAT ABOUT THIS

CURLY-HAIRED LADY NAMED AMANDA

LOPEZ?

Sí, PAPI.

JUANITA HUNTER?

FOR SURE.

SO THESE ARE ALL YOUR

ALIASES?

YEAH, BABY. I JUST KEPT THEM

TO REMIND MYSELF HOW FAR I'VE

COME.

SO...ARE YOU REALLY MIRANDA

LUCAS?

NO.

NO?

BECAUSE I'M MIRANDA PAYNE.

LET ME HAVE THIS BOOK, BABY.

NO, NO, NO. BUT I'M NOT DONE

LOOKING AT IT.

BONQUISHA ALIZEE?

HOW ABOUT I'LL PUT ON MY OLD

CHEERLEADING UNIFORM AND TAKE

YOUR MIND OFF BONQUISHA?

OOH, THAT'S WHY I LOVE YOU,

BECAUSE YOU NASTY!

GIVE ME A "K-I-S-S."

OK.

HA HA HA!

HEY! LOOK AT THE HAPPY

COUPLE.

HEY!

Y'ALL STILL HAPPY, RIGHT?

YES, WE'RE VERY HAPPY.

SO HOW WAS THE HONEYMOON?

OH, IT WAS WONDERFUL.

Y'ALL MOVE INTO YOUR NEW SPOT

YET?

YEAH, BUT WE'RE STILL WAITING

ON FURNITURE. BUT WE DON'T NEED

A BED.

MM-MMM.

ALL RIGHTY, THEN.

SO WHAT BRINGS YOU BY?

OH, WE WERE JUST OUT AND

GRABBING A BITE TO EAT, AND I

FIGURED...

WE'D CHECK OUT OUR INVESTMENT.

HEY, UH, WHERE'S DELANTE?

GET THIS. THE BOY MET A GIRL

AT THE ROLLER RINK ON A FRIDAY.

AND THEY ROLLED OFF INTO THE

SUNSET AND GOT MARRIED ON

SATURDAY.

AND THEN MOVED TO ARIZONA ON

SUNDAY.

IDIOT.

WOW.

WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S--IT'S

FUNNY. I NEVER REALLY NOTICED

THAT THERE WERE ONLY TWO BARBER

CHAIRS IN HERE. WHAT DO PEOPLE

DO WHEN THEY'RE WAITING?

TALK. THAT'S WHAT THEY DO IN

BARBER SHOPS.

UH, WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT,

MIRANDA?

OH, NOTHING, BABY. I MEAN,

I'M JUST SAYING. YOU MAY NEED A

LITTLE REDECORATING IN HERE,

THAT'S ALL.

GET YOUR WIFE, CALVIN.

MIRANDA, WHAT--WHAT ARE YOU

TALKING ABOUT? THE BARBER SHOP'S

FINE.

I DON'T SEE NOTHING THAT'S

WRONG WITH THIS PLACE.

I MEAN, I JUST THINK IT CAN

BE BETTER. I'M JUST BEING

HONEST. FLOYD, BY THE WAY, CAN I

SEE THE BOOKS?

HOLD UP, SWOLL UP.

NOW, YOU DON'T BE COMING UP IN

MY SHOP NOW ACTING LIKE YOU

RUNNING THINGS, LIKE YOU OWN

THIS PLACE.

WE DO.

25% ONLY, OK? THAT'S MY NAME

IN THE WINDOW. HEH!

FLOYD, YOUR NAME AIN'T IN THE

WINDOW.

MY MIDDLE NAME IS "INTHECUT."

I JUST SPELL IT OUT BECAUSE

IT'S A BIG WINDOW.

UH, LOOK, FLOYD. SHE DIDN'T

MEAN TO OFFEND YOU, BUT, UH, WE

ARE ENTITLED TO SEE THOSE BOOKS.

UH...OK. FINE, FINE. I'LL GET

THE BOOKS. I'LL GET THE BOOKS.

BOY...

COME UP TO MY WAIST AND TRYING

TO RUN MY...RED BAG, LAST YEAR.

BLUE BAG, THIS YEAR. HAPPY

TRAILS.

OK, WAIT, WAIT.

THERE'S A GREEN ONE

SOMEWHERE.

THE--THESE AREN'T BOOKS.

THIS LOOKS LIKE SOME TRASH.

HEY, DON'T KNOCK MY FILING

SYSTEM, ALL RIGHT? WORK WITH

WHAT YOU GOT.

OK, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL

JUST--I'LL JUST FIGURE THIS

OUT, OK? I'LL SEE YOU GUYS

LATER. HAVE A GOOD DAY.

PSSH.

LOOK, FLOYD. I'M SORRY ABOUT

ALL THIS. YOU KNOW--YOU

KNOW HOW WOMEN ARE. LOOK.

LOOK. I'M GONNA HANDLE IT.

OK. HANDLE IT.

CALVIN!

UH-HUH. I'M GONNA GO BYE-BYE

NOW.

OK. ALL RIGHT. HEY, CALVIN.

YOUR SLIP'S SHOWING.

YOUR DADDY KNOW YOU'RE A

FREAK?

OH, SHUT UP.

WHAT THE HE--POOKIE AND

PEANUT, GET UP.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? ARE

YOU FONDLING MY SKIRT?

HEY, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN

WHAT POOKIE HERE WAS DOING WITH

THEM POM-POMS.

HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?

CALVIN, I'M OFFENDED YOU HAD

TO ASK ME THAT.

YOU KNOW WE KNOW HOW TO GET

IN ANYTHING WITH A LOCK.

WELL...

ALMOST ANYTHING.

CALVIN, WE GOT INTO

EVERYTHING EXCEPT THIS ROOM

RIGHT HERE.

OH.

MM-HMM. IT WAS LOCKED UP

TIGHT.

UH, WHY IS THERE A LOCK ON

THIS DOOR?

IT'S A SURPRISE.

YEAH, IT'S A SURPRISE. WE'RE

SURPRISED WE COULDN'T GET INTO

IT, CALVIN.

NO, SERIOUSLY,

WHAT'S--WHAT'S IN THE ROOM?

BABY, IT'S PERSONAL.

OOH, HOO, HOO, HOO! PERSONAL.

SECRETS. HOT STUFF.

BUT WE'RE MARRIED.

I KNOW.

SHE KNOW EVERYTHING.

SHE JUST KNOW.

MM-HMM.

SO YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL ME?

NO, BABY.

JUST AIN'T GONNA--NOT GONNA

SAY NOTHING, HUH?

LOOK, SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

BET YOU THERE'S A DEAD BODY

IN THERE. I BET.

NAH, CALVIN, I'LL BET THERE'S

ANOTHER MAN IN THERE.

BETTER CHECK.

I'LL BET IT'S A DEAD MAN IN

THERE. YOU KNOW HOW SHE IS.

OH, WE GOING ON "COPS"

AGAIN? HA HA HA!

I'M GOING OUT LIKE A "G." I

AIN'T RUNNING. THAT'S WHAT I

LIKE TO DO.

DON'T Y'ALL HAVE SOMEWHERE TO

BE?

NO.

NO.

AND HOW COME Y'ALL AIN'T GOT

NO FOOD IN THE REFRIGERATOR,

MAN?

YEAH, THAT'S RUDE TO HAVE

PEOPLE OVER, ESPECIALLY PEOPLE

THAT HELP Y'ALL MOVE, AND NOT

FEED THEM. GOT A BIG PICKLE.

OH, THESE ARE PICKLES--

GO HOME!

WHAT?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

LEAVING NOW. WE'RE GETTING

SOME PICKLES.

HE PUT HIS HAND IN THERE.

TAKE THE PICKLES.

LEAVE THE PICKLES.

NOW, BABY, WHAT'S IN THE ROOM,

FOR REAL?

BABY, JUST LEAVE IT ALONE,

OK? IT'S NOTHING.

IS IT?

WHAT'S IN THE ROOM?!

PLEASE TELL ME.

WHAT YOU GOT?

TRY THAT OUT.

OH, NO. 16 CAN NEVER BEAT 12.

OH. IT'S MRS. PARTNER.

I CAME TO BRING FLOYD HIS

BOOKS BACK.

SO WHAT'D YOU FIND IN THEM?

A LOT OF DEBT AND TWO

MAGAZINES THAT, UH, YOU NEED TO

PRAY ABOUT.

THAT'S RESEARCH FOR A BIBLE

STUDY. WE STUDYING "GENESIS"

THIS WEEK.

MOSTLY I FOUND OUT THAT I

WAS RIGHT. FLOYD, WE NEED TO

MAKE SOME CHANGES AROUND HERE.

THE SHOP IS JUST NOT OPERATING

AT ITS MAXIMUM POTENTIAL.

YOU MARRIED CALVIN, AND HE

AIN'T OPERATING AT HIS MAXIMUM

POTENTIAL.

HEY.

LOOK. IT'S JUST NOT GONNA BE

ANY CHANGES AROUND HERE. THAT'S

IT.

FLOYD, WE GOT INTO THIS

BUSINESS TO MAKE MONEY, AND

THAT'S WHAT WE INTEND TO DO.

SO...THE CONTRACTORS WILL BE

HERE NEXT WEEK.

FOR WHAT?

TO TEAR THE SHOP DOWN.

WHOSE SHOP YOU GONNA TEAR

DOWN? YOU BETTER GET BACK OVER

THERE SOMEWHERE. TEAR THIS SHOP

DOWN? WE STICK TOGETHER! WE

STICK TOGETHER!

THIS IS OUR SHOP.

YOU AIN'T GONNA TEAR DOWN

NOTHING! YOU BETTER NOT EVEN

TEAR A PIECE OF PAPER AROUND

HERE.

EXCUSE ME. JUST LISTEN.

I'LL BE ON YOU!

IT'S--IT'S ONLY TEMPORARY.

YEAH, LIKE YOUR LIFE IN A

MINUTE.

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY,

LET'S HOLD UP, NOW. LOOK. WE

WERE THINKING WE JUST WANT TO

EXPAND AND BRING IN SOME NEW

BARBER CHAIRS, AND THAT'LL

BRING MORE CUSTOMERS AND MORE

MOOLAH.

RIGHT.

YOU SAID MOOLAH?

HA HA HA! OH, THAT'S--I COULD

DEAL WITH THAT. I COULD BE

DOWN. I COULD BE DOWN.

SO WHEN YOU SAY EXPAND, YOU

MEAN, LIKE, GET A NEW NAIL

SECTION? I COULD DO MANICURES

AND PEDICURES AND MASSAGES. OOH,

WE COULD CALL IT "TOUCHED BY

DANA." OOH!

HALF THE MEN IN ATLANTA DONE

BEEN TO THAT SPA.

LOOK. IF WE PUT A BUNCH OF

WOMEN'S STUFF AROUND HERE, WE

WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO TALK GUY

TALK.

WHAT WOULD YOU RATHER TALK,

GUY TALK OR MONEY TALK?

BOTH.

WELL--HOLD UP. WHO WEARING THE

PANTS IN YOUR MARRIAGE? NO, NO,

WHO WEARING THE PANTS IN YOUR

MARRIAGE, CALVIN?

HOLD UP, HOLD UP, HOLD UP,

HOLD UP. I WEAR THE PANTS IN

THIS HERE!

SPEAK ON IT, BROTHER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? I'M

THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP,

YOU HEAR ME?

WELL! HAH!

TALK ABOUT IT. DON'T BE SCARED.

NOW, LOOK, BABY. MAYBE HE'S

RIGHT. YOU KNOW, THIS IS A

BARBER SHOP. IT'S A BARBER SHOP.

THIS IS WHERE MEN COME TO TALK

ABOUT SPORTS...

HEISMAN.

A LITTLE BIT OF POLITICS...

OBAMA.

AND OUR WEEKEND FLINGS.

OH, MAMA...

I MEAN, THEIR WEEKEND

FLINGS. BABY, I DON'T EVEN KNOW

HOW TO FLING. I LOST MY FLINGER

A LONG TIME AGO. I DON'T--I

DON'T EVEN HAVE

WEEK FLINGS, JUST

STRAIGHT WEEKS. GO STRAIGHT

THROUGH. I'M FOCUSED.

WOW.

I LOVE YOU.

YOU WHIPPED THAT THING, GIRL.

TAKE NOTES.

THERE'S NOT GONNA BE ANY

CHANGES, PERIOD, THE END. I'M

DONE WITH THIS DISCUSSION.

WELL, THEN, FLOYD, I HATE TO

SAY IT, BUT THIS PARTNERSHIP

CAN'T WORK. YOU NEED TO BUY US

OUT.

WHERE YOU GOING, GIRL? DON'T

GO. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? SHE

JUST TRYING TO HELP US GET

MO--YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M TELLING

YOU...

WE WANT YOU, MIRANDA.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE

DOING. YOU'RE JUST A BUNCH OF

STUPID MEN!

[WHISTLE]

WOMEN.

THAT'S RIGHT. LET ME TELL YOU

SOMETHING. DO US ALL A FAVOR.

IF YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY IN YOUR

MARRIAGE AND MAKE EVERYBODY

AROUND HERE HAPPY, KNOW WHAT YOU

GOT TO DO?

WHAT?

BEAT HER.

SO DID YOU TALK TO MIRANDA?

YEAH. WE ARGUED HALF THE

NIGHT, AND THEN I ENDED UP

SLEEPING ON THE COUCH.

YOU BEEN MARRIED FOR TWO

SECONDS, AND SHE DONE ALREADY

STOLE YOUR PANTS.

YOU KNOW, I KIND OF LIKE THE

IDEA OF A NEW SHOP.

ME, TOO.

WHERE'S YOUR LOYALTY?

LOOK. WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?

WHICHEVER ONE PAYING.

WELL, LOOK. I'M STICKING ON

FLOYD'S SIDE.

COME ON. THAT'S WHAT I'M

TALKING ABOUT.

MIRANDA DON'T RULE ME.

CALL SOMEBODY!

I'M MY OWN MAN. I WEAR THE

PANTS UP IN HERE, YOU HEARD?

TWO TIMES.

UNH! UNH!

THAT'S JUST HOW I ROLL, YOU

KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

YOU'RE ROLLING!

I'M THE MAN IN THIS

RELATIONSHIP.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

MM-HMM.

ARE YOU WITH ME, THOUGH?

YES. OVER HERE, I'M WITH YOU.

SHE'S STANDING BEHIND ME,

ISN'T SHE?

YEP.

DOES SHE LOOK MAD?

YEP.

IS SHE WEARING THE HELL OUT

OF HIS PANTS, Y'ALL?

YEP.

HEY, BABY--

UH-UH. I DON'T EVEN HAVE

TIME TO DEAL WITH YOU RIGHT NOW.

FLOYD, WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE

WHAT I CAME UP WITH?

I'M NOT INTERESTED.

FLOYD, JUST COME AND TAKE A

LOOK.

NO, THANK YOU.

FLOYD!

I'LL TAKE A LOOK.

LOOK AT THIS. OK. SO I WAS

THINKING WE COULD MOVE THE

SHOESHINE CHAIR, TAKE THAT--

NOT MY SHOESHINE CHAIR!

WE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH!

THAT WAY, WE CAN EXPAND THE

NAIL SALON AREA. THEN, I WAS

THINKING--

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. HOLD UP. I

GOT PLANS OF MY OWN.

BA-DOW!

CALVIN, YOUR PAPER IS BLANK.

THERE'S NOTHING ON HERE.

THAT'S WHAT BLANK MEANS.

BECAUSE THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT

WE'RE GONNA CHANGE: NOTHING.

BOO-YAH! UNH!

GIVE ME SOME. HIGH-FIVE.

HIGH-FIVE. HIGH-FIVE.

UNH!

THAT'S HOW WE DO.

YOU TOLD HER. YOU THE MAN!

THAT'S RIGHT.

RIGHT!

THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT. HA HA! OOH-WEE.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER, BABY.

I THINK YOU'RE GONNA BE ON

THE COUCH AGAIN.

THINK YOU GONNA NEED THIS

FOR A BLANKET. IT'S GONNA BE

CHILLY TONIGHT.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO

COMPROMISE. FLOYD'S OWNED THAT

BARBER SHOP FOR YEARS. I THINK

HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING.

CALVIN, FLOYD IS COMPLETELY

OVERLOOKING AN ENTIRE

DEMOGRAPHIC THAT WE NEED TO TAP

INTO.

OK. THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD

HAVE DISCUSSED IT WITH ME BEFORE

YOU PRESENTED IT TO FLOYD,

SINCE I AM A PARTNER, TOO.

BABY. NOW, YOU KNOW YOU

DON'T HAVE A BUSINESS MIND.

JUST LET ME TAKE THE LEAD ON

THIS, OK?

I DON'T HAVE A BUSINESS MIND?

I DON'T HAVE A BUSINESS MIND?

LET ME TELL YOU WHAT MY BUSINESS

MIND IS THINKING. I'M THINKING

YOU LOANED ME THAT MONEY SO YOU

CAN HAVE CONTROL OVER ME.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,

CALVIN? NO, I DIDN'T.

YES, YOU DID.

YOU'VE MARRIED A STRONG

WOMAN, AND IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE

THAT--

I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH

BEING MARRIED TO A STRONG

WOMAN, BUT I GOT A PROBLEM WHEN

THAT STRONG WOMAN WANTS TO

TREAT ME LIKE A CHILD.

CALVIN, I DON'T TREAT YOU

LIKE A CHILD! WILL YOU PUT THAT

KOOL-AID BACK IN THE

REFRIGERATOR?

BABY, THIS IS A LARGE

INVESTMENT.

WHAT IF YOU FAIL?

THEN I FAIL. BUT I'M GONNA

DO IT STANDING ON MY OWN TWO

FEET, ON MY OWN TERMS, AND AS A

MAN.

BABY, I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY.

WHERE DO I FIT IN?

MIRANDA, RIGHT HERE, BY MY

SIDE, TO HAVE AND TO HOLD.

FOR RICHER OR FOR POORER?

YES, MA'AM.

MMM. MMM. I LOVE A MAN WHO

CAN TAKE CHARGE. MMM.

YEAH.

I, UH...LOVE A MAN EVEN MORE

WHO CAN TAKE CHARGE IN THE

BEDROOM.

HEH! I AIN'T COMING IN

THERE TILL YOU PUT THAT KOOL-AID

IN THE REFRIGERATOR.

OH, SEE, NOW YOU'RE TRIPPING.

OK. OK, BABY, I WENT TOO

FAR. I WENT TOO FAR.

HOO, HOO, HOO, HOO!

WHOO!

BAM!

THIS IS HOW I DO.

WHAT'S THIS?

I GOT A LOAN ON MY OWN, AND

I AM BUYING YOUR...OUT.

BABY, THIS IS A LOT OF MONEY.

WHERE DID YOU GET IT FROM? YOU

DIDN'T DO ANYTHING ILLEGAL, DID

YOU?

DEFINE "ILLEGAL."

CALVIN!

I'M JUST PLAYING, BABY. I'M

JUST PLAYING. I WENT TO FLOYD

FOR THE MONEY. WHEN I TOLD HIM I

WAS BUYING YOU OUT...HEH...HE

OFFERED TO GIFT-WRAP IT.

WELL...

BABY, HOW YOU GONNA PAY THIS

MONEY BACK?

THROUGH MY SHARE OF THE

PROFITS.

BABY, THE SHOP ISN'T MAKING

ANY MONEY.

AND YOU'VE THOUGHT THIS

THROUGH?

LOOK. I GOT THE CHECK, I GOT

THE FAITH, AND I'M BUYING

YOUR...OUT.

OK.

YEAH. HEH!

BABY, I'M PROUD OF YOU.

YOU'RE PROUD OF ME?

I'M PROUD OF YOU, BABY.

IT WAS HARD, BABY.

OH, I KNOW.

ALL THAT HARD WORK--I HAVE

SOMETHING FOR YOU.

WHAT?

LATER. RIGHT NOW, GO INTO

THE ROOM. IT'S OPEN.

YOU GONNA LET ME SEE THE

ROOM?

MM-HMM. GO.

IT'S WHIPS AND CHAINS IN

THERE?

STOP.

I'M GONNA GO CHECK OUT THE

ROOM. YEAH.

GO.

OOH! OOH! BABY!

IT'S AN OFFICE.

IT'S NOT JUST ANY OFFICE.

IT'S YOUR OFFICE.

BUT--BUT YOU SAID I

DIDN'T--YOU SAID I DIDN'T HAVE

A BUSINESS SENSE.

I MARRIED YOU, DIDN'T I? I

KNEW WHAT POTENTIAL YOU HAD.

AW, BABY, I LOVE YOU, MRS.

PAYNE.

I LOVE YOU, MR. PAYNE. MMM.

WELL, UH...AHEM. HEH!

HMM?

WHY DON'T YOU STEP INTO MY

OFFICE?

HEE HEE! OK, BUT WAIT. GIVE

ME ONE SECOND. JUST WAIT.

WHAT YOU GOT?

WHIPPED CREAM?

HO, HO! WHOO HOO HOO! YEAH!

EXCUSE ME, PAPI! OH!

OOH, I'M ABOUT TO TEAR THAT

UP!