Original subtitles

Keep laughing.

Keep laughing.

K-keep laughing!

Curtis!

Don't laugh.

It ain't nothing funny.

What is going on?

Pops got a speeding ticket

Going 80 miles an hour.

Then -- then he ran a red light

And went the wrong way down a

One-way street.

Curtis, how do you get a

Speeding ticket on your way to

A fire?

Oh, no, no, no.

He wasn't on his way to a fire.

He was going to buy some

Doughnuts.

[ chuckles ]

Them cops was mad that I got

There before they did.

Oh, baby, you deserve this

Ticket.

Ought to be ashamed of yourself.

No, he ought to be ashamed

Of himself.

Do you know while that cop was

Writing me a ticket, his partner

Was taking all the doughnuts

With the sprinkles on it?

That's my favorite one with the

Sprinkles.

Everybody know that.

Pops, he was doing his job.

No, he wasn't doing his job.

That ain't his job, taking

Sprinkled doughnuts.

Curtis, calm down, baby.

That's easy for you to say,

Ella.

You ain't the one that's got to

Take online traffic school.

Pop, you don't have to do

It.

You can just pay the ticket.

And you can just get out.

How about that?

I'm telling you, calvin, it seem

Like they would extend a little

Professional courtesy to a

Fireman.

Hey, baby, they probably

Would if you were speeding for

Professional reasons.

Yeah, and a bear claw ain't

One of 'em.

I got your bear claw.

Calvin!

Curtis! Whoa, baby!

Oh, ho-ho-ho!

To complete online traffic

School, please answer the

Following questions for

Identity verification.

What is your favorite color?

That's easy. That's easy.

Blue.

What is your favorite food?

Uh, that's easy -- pork chops

And mac and cheese and collard

Greens and catfish fried hard.

Please list only one food

Item.

[ sighs ]

They make me waste all my

Strength trying to type.

Okay.

Pork chops -- just pork chops.

What is your weight?

What that got to do with the

Test?

I see why.

What is the name of your

Childhood pet?

Oh. Stinky.

Identity verification

Completed.

It's almost like he here.

What are you doing?

I'm doing something you

Ought to try sometime.

It's called minding your

Business.

Press enter to begin.

Oh, online traffic school.

I never got tickets because I

Have cleavage.

Well, you do, too, but I guess

It's not the same.

You may now proceed with

Online traffic school.

Okay.

If you're nice, I'll give

You a tip on how to pass the

Class.

This is about as nice as I'm

Gonna be with you in the room,

All right?

Ok, fine.

I'll tell you anyway.

The answer to the questions is

Always "C."

That's ridiculous.

When approaching a stop

Sign, a driver should "A,"

Continue through the

Intersection...

Mnh-mnh. That ain't it.

..."B," merge to the right,

Allowing other vehicles to

Pass, or "C," stop.

"C."

Correct.

I told you so.

That's just one question.

When making a 3-point turn,

You should "A," stop the car

Suddenly, "B," skid on a pool

Of water, or "C," turn the car

In three distinct directions.

Ok. "C."

Correct.

Think you know everything.

Just about.

Ella!

Hmm?

I'm running to the store to

Play the lottery.

You want to ride with me?

No, I don't play the lottery

And neither should you.

Well, normally I don't, but

I had a dream while taking my

Beauty nap.

Beauty nap?

Yeah, you need to have another

One 'cause the first one didn't

Take.

Anyway, I dreamt that I was

Sitting on my daddy's porch, and

My husband's car drove by with

Three midgets strapped to the

Hood.

What does that have to do

With playing the lottery?

Well, my daddy's address is

1728.

Hubert's birthday is 5/16/40.

And according to my dream book,

Three midgets are a sign of

Completion.

Okay.

Don't you see, ella?

My dream is telling me to play

17, 28, 5, 16, 40, and 3 in

Tonight's lottery.

Okay, go ahead.

But I am not riding to the store

With you so you can play the

Lottery.

It is a waste of time and my

Money.

No, it's not.

Curtis, don't you play the

Lottery sometimes?

Don't you see I'm trying to

Take a test, claretha?

I've seen him.

4 to win, 5 to scratch off.

Okay, claretha, don't play

The lottery today.

Let's go and get pedicures.

Pedicures are way more fun than

Standing in the line, paying

Your money for the lottery.

I don't know, ella.

My dream book is telling me that

Three midgets should not be

Ignored.

Claretha.

Well, I could use a good

Foot massage.

[ giggles ]

Okay.

Then that settles it.

Hey, ella, you might want to

Stop at the hardware store,

Baby.

Why?

Some eye goggles -- after

They get to chipping off of

Claretha's feet, you gonna need

To protect your eyes.

[ laughs ]

Curtis payne has initiated a

Pause.

Program is paused.

To resume testing, press the

Enter key.

Welcome back, curtis payne.

You may now begin section two.

Pop?

What? I'm making a smoothie.

Uh...

To verify identity, please

Enter your favorite color.

Oh, that's easy. Blue.

Correct.

What is your favorite food?

Pork chops, macaroni and

Cheese...

Please list only one food

Item.

Pork chops.

Correct.

What is the name of your

Childhood pet?

Oh. I know this one.

Uh...It's something with an --

With an odor.

Smelly, funky, musty. Tart.

Pops! Pops!

What? I'm coming! What?

Um, what's the name of that

Stinky dog that you had when

You were a kid?

You have 5 seconds, 4, 3,

2 --

Tart.

Stinky.

Incorrect.

Identity fraud detected.

Curtis payne must report in

Person to verify identity and

Complete exam.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

We can start over.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

What you doing?

Yaaaah!

I'll kill you! I'll kill you!

Whoo.

Claretha, you think curtis is

Gonna like my feet?

Oh, girl, once he sees that

Fire-engine red nail polish, he

Is not gonna be able to keep

His hands off you...

Unfortunately.

Well, it's 7:00.

Let me get dinner ready.

7:00?

Can I check the lottery numbers?

Go ahead.

And tonight's winning

Numbers for the $1 million

Jackpot are -- 17, 28, 5...

Come on. Come on. Come on.

...16, 40, and 3.

Aah! Ella! Ella, I won!

I'm a millionaire!

I hit the lotto.

I hit the lotto.

I hit the lotto. Uh-huh.

I'm rich. I'm rich. I'm rich.

Babe. Honey. Honey. Honey.

Yeah. Yeah.

You got to play the lottery

Before you can win the lottery,

Right?

Oh, no. I didn't play.

Why did I listen to you?

I listened to the wrong midget.

Pops, I'm telling you, your

Dog's name was tart.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

How you gonna tell me what my

Dog's name was?

I know what my dog -- it was my

Dog, named after my uncle

Stinky.

And don't ask.

Why do I have to be here

Anyway?

I didn't get a ticket.

Yeah, well, you're the reason

Why I'm here.

That's why I failed 'cause of

You, so sit down.

Stop talking in class.

Oh, so sorry that I'm late,

Class.

I was practicing with my reggae

Band.

We've got the keys to the

Dreadlocks.

[ laughs ]

Oh, my god.

Chief payne! O.M.G!

I was telling my girlfriend how

Much I missed you.

Girlfriend?

Oh, yes. I must be dreaming.

Pinch me. No, seriously.

Come on, pinch me.

No.

Hey, calvin, you do the

Honors.

No. I'm cool.

Okay. Class, I am walter.

Welcome to comedy traffic

School, where we tickle your

Tickets away.

[ chuckles ]

Say that five times fast.

All: tickle our tickets --

Uh-uh-uh!

I didn't say "Simon says."

[ laughs ]

[ laughing ] Simon says.

[ sighs ]

I thought it was funny.

Walter, what are you doing

Teaching this class?

I thought you were supposed

To be an anger

Management/relationship coach.

I have many hats.

Let me show you some.

Okay, I have cowboy hats.

Woo-hoo! Giddy up, partner!

Party hats. Surprise!

And beanies. Shaba!

[ imitates reggae music ]

Okay, this is gonna be a long

Class.

All right, let's jump right in,

Shall we?

Everyone, I want you to decide

For yourself -- what do I want

To get out of this class?

Ooh! Ooh! I know. I know.

Yes.

I want to just get out of

This class.

[ laughter ]

Like now.

All right, just leave the

Comedy to me, mr. Funny pants,

Okay?

Now, today, I want you to

Imagine, visualize, the type of

Vehicle that you are in.

Chief payne, I see you in a

Candy-apple-red fire truck.

I don't want to be a fire

Truck.

That's the reason I'm here.

Ooh.

A big, bright-yellow dump truck.

Why I got to be a dump truck?

Because you're big and

Strong, and, you know, you carry

A lot of weight.

Calvin...

I'm a sports car!

Hmm...Not sensing that.

I'm seeing you on a scooter --

Powder blue.

Wonderful.

Okay, before we start, remember,

Let's lock our doors, fasten

Our seat belts.

Before we pull into traffic, we

Need to make sure we use our

Side-view mirror and remember

Objects may be closer than they

Actually appear.

You know, he's actually

Stranger than he appears.

[ laughter ]

Chief payne, focus.

Hey, this is pretty fun.

Yes, it is fun, okay?

So, here we go.

We're rolling along.

We're rolling along.

Ooh, who do I see there?

It's mr. Postman.

Hi, mr. Postman.

What's up, tyrell!

What's happening, dawg?

I thought you was off.

No, you didn't quit?

Hey, let's merge onto the

Highway.

How about it?

Vroom, vroom, vroooommmm.

This is ridiculous!

I'm s-- I got to get out of

Here, I got to get out of here.

No, no, chief payne.

Chief payne, don't let go of the

Wheel.

Stop! You'll kill yourself!

If I got to die to get out

This class, let me die!

No, chief payne, I'll save

You!

[ imitates slow motion ]

[ imitates impact thud ]

[ imitates air bag ]

Walter, what are you doing?

I'm your personal air bag,

And I just deployed, saving

Your life.

Thank me later.

[ imitates air bag ]

Hey, ree-ree!

I'm so glad you came over to see

Me.

I made you some coffee.

Oh, look, a coupon for

Waffle world.

Oh, but if I had $1 million, I

Wouldn't need a coupon.

You know what?

I would still use my coupon.

Coffeecake.

Oh, a baby-blue convertible.

I was going to buy a convertible

Before my $1 million went

"Poof."

A convertible?

Convertibles are so overrated,

And you wear wigs.

And your wig would just be

Flying down the highway.

We don't want that.

[ laughs ]

Oh, looky there.

Oprah and gayle.

I used to have a good friend

Just like that.

But then she cost me $1 million.

Claretha, how many ways can

I say I am sorry?

[ gasps ]

A diamond-encrusted mobile with

Walkie-talkie chirp and gps.

Ooh, if I had that, I could

Locate my real friends.

Okay, listen.

Claretha, what you're not gonna

Do is eat my food, drink my

Drink, and come up in my house

And ignore me.

Ella, you don't understand.

This was the big one.

My number came up, and I lost

Because I listened to you.

Okay, fine! I'm sorry.

I said I was wrong.

If it'll make you feel any

Better, I'll just turn my back

And let calvin buy you another

Lottery ticket.

The only way that would work

Is if you let calvin buy me one

Million lottery tickets and

They all hit at the same time.

Fat chance of that happening.

And so we have learned that

A pedestrian has the

Right-of-way, even if they don't

Walk right away, and some of us

Learned that the hard way,

Didn't we?

How is your mother, by the way?

Fantastic. Great. See?

Isn't learning fun?

Uh, excuse me.

Yes.

Can we have a break from all

This fun?

That's a great idea.

Let's break dance. Everybody!

[ imitates break-dance music ]

Whoo!

Come on, come on. Bust a move.

Bust a move. Woop, woop!

Come on, spin me, chief, spin

Me.

Ooh.

Okay, 10 minutes.

Pops, I'm out of here.

This is torture.

Try to leave. I dare you.

You won't get far with my foot

In your butt.

Come on, pops.

I'm a grown man.

And you'll be a grown man

With a foot in your butt.

[ laughter ]

Ha! Ha! Ha!

You know, you two guys are

Ten times funnier than the

Teacher is, really.

That's because he's the

Queen of no comedy.

[ laughter ]

See, that's what I'm talking

About.

You two ought to be teaching

This class.

Oh, yeah. You know what?

We could kick the queen of no

Comedy out.

No. We can't do that.

Yes, we can.

I think we can do it.

We got the people behind us.

What do the people say?

All: yeah!

Get the door. Get the door.

But, wait!

What's going on in there?

We're doing something you

Don't know nothing about --

Comedy!

Open this door.

I'm -- I'm gonna --

What -- call your girlfriend?

Yes, and she won't be happy

About this.

Everybody, we're gonna play

A new game, and this game is

Called, "Hit that fool."

Now, let's say -- let's say --

Let's say you got somebody, and

They're walking all slow across

The street, and you get five

Points if you...

Hit that fool.

Yes!

And you get 50 points if you get

A thug with pink rollers in his

Hair, 50 points if you...

Hit that fool.

Yeah!

And you get 100 points if you

Got somebody on a cell phone

Holding up traffic, 100 points

If you...

Hit that fool.

Oh, y'all don't help me in

Here today.

[ laughs ]

Hey, you get 1,000 points if we

Open up this door and y'all let

That ugly man right there, let

Him have it.

Get your papers out.

Get your books.

Get your bibles -- whatever you

Got.

Open the door.

1,000 points if you...

Hit that fool!

Hit that fool!

No!

[ laughter ]

Bam!

Y'all have passed your class.

Here you go, claretha.

I hope you enjoy this one more

Than that one.

Oh, it won't do.

You haven't even tasted it.

Too many bubbles.

Ooh! My, it's hot in here.

I said, it's hot in here.

Seriously, claretha, you

Have got to just get over it.

Well, can you at least hand

Me the remote?

Get it yourself.

I am through catering to you,

Okay?

I am sorry that you did not win

$1 million, but I don't know

What else to do to convince you

Of that.

Well, you could try saying

It 999,000 more times.

This just in -- last night's

$1 million dollar jackpot will

Be awarded to half a million

Winners.

Each winner will receive a mere

$2.

[ laughing ] Okay, each

Winner.

I got that.

[ laughs ]

There you are.

You are a winner!

Now, get your feet off my couch.

Okay, okay. You're right.

Playing the lottery is a gamble.

Yes, it is, and in our tax

Bracket, we can't afford to be

Just wasting money.

Speak for your own tax

Bracket.

I'm a businesswoman.

Anyway, can't a girl dream?

Sure you can.

Dreaming is free.

You're right.

But friendship costs.

This class was a joke.

Well, the class wasn't all

That bad.

Hey, we did a lot better

Than walter did.

Ha ha! I called for back-up!

I brought in the peach!

You didn't think you were gonna

Get away from me that easy, did

You?

Both: uh-oh.