Original subtitles

-Oh, uh, wait, wait. -What?

I just wasn't totally ready for my underwear

to come off yet, but that's fine.

Do you have a condom?

Uh, do we have to?

Well, have you had sex with anyone else

in the last few weeks?

Weeks? Uh, yeah, obviously.

Well then, yeah, we... We have to.

I can't stay hard with a condom on.

Don't you want me to fuck you?

I mean, not without a condom.

Okay.

Okay.

How'd you sleep?

-Um, don't interrupt. -What?

Um, I need to complete this yawn,

and every time you make a sound, I have to start over.

So just, uh, you know, don't move or talk, okay?

Okay.

-It's... It's contagious. -It's just interrupting.

Sorry.

I hear you doing it.

I'm not doing it.

Okay, I don't care.

Um. Yeah, what are you, uh, what are you up to today?

You working?

No, um, I actually,

I got a lot of studying done this week,

so yeah, I'm free.

What are you doing?

Might get breakfast with the guys.

Cool.

Love the guys. Okay, I'm gonna go.

Aw, I wasn't kicking you out.

And you could have stayed for like 15 more minutes?

Hi.

Did you just leave?

No, five minutes away.

You're so full of shit.

You've never been five minutes away in your whole life.

Do you hear me?

If you were five minutes away, you'd be up here.

This is five minutes away. You're giving 17, okay?

You're giving me Blair Witch fucking Cloverfield energy.

I have to go. It is dangerous for a woman to walk

-while being on the phone. -It is not.

It is safer with me, with my voice, on the phone.

You hear me? Stay away from her!

Fuck!

Oh, I forgot to get her something.

What did you get her? Can we... Can we split it?

What? No. I got her a cupcake.

Good idea.

I mean, that's a lot of friends that you have.

Happy birthday.

I um, I... I got you an ice cream cake.

An ice cream cake?

Lucas, Lucas, she got me an ice cream cake.

That is so n... You know me so well.

I was really hoping I could shit my pants tonight,

and now, with your help, I think I can finally do it.

So thank you.

You don't have to eat it. It can just be like for vibes.

No, I... I get it.

It's like, what do you even get your lactose intolerant friend

who's also struggled with an eating disorder her entire life?

Sorry.

Like, who am I? Marie Antoinette?

Pretty sure Marie Antoinette wasn't a total bitch.

Has Evan still not responded?

Have you ever seen something more humiliating

in your entire life?

No, seriously, be honest.

Well, actually, yesterday I double-checked my dating apps

to make sure they weren't paused

because I haven't had a match in three months.

So, yeah.

Well, he actually was in my dream, though.

Like, I know that's something people say as an excuse

to text someone, but he actually was in it.

So if anything, it would be weird like not to tell him.

Better to regret than to wonder.

Well, no, 'cause the problem is

now I can't invite him to my party,

and he's not not the reason

I decided to throw one in the first place.

Jake once went nine months without ever texting me at all

and now I get a meme, like once a week.

Yeah, you and your sociopathic fuck buddy

aren't really like goals.

Well, I just... I kind of think that's the closest thing you can get

to a real relationship now.

No one is supposed to know

this many opportunities exist for them.

He's supposed to know three women and then choose me.

So your ideal dating scenario is like

Little House on the Prairie.

Yeah, or like the distant future

where everyone else is dead.

You know, in the apocalyptic future,

they won't have Matcha. Probably.

Will you survive without Matcha?

No, Ally, you do not have to do this.

No, no, no, no, no. Do not move it to your mouth.

No, no, no. Give that to me. Kill me instead.

- I'll take the fucking bullet for you. Oh, no.

I got it. I got the gun.

Everyone back the fuck up. Okay?

The gun is now a cat.

Do we even want to go to this anymore?

Your birthday party? There's nothing there for me.

It'll be fun.

And if not, I'm sure you'll get a great story out of it.

Conversational or Instagram?

Conversational.

I bet if we go through your phone,

we can find you someone else to hook up with tonight.

Or we could do an activity

that would have you guys pass the Bechdel test.

You know, the guy Cooper actually liked my photo yesterday

after not engaging with my profile for like a year.

Perfect.

- I gotta make a toast. - I always do.

To Ally.

Just another year older.

Always beautiful.

To the infinite wisdom you bestow upon us.

Whether it's the benefits of ingesting hyaluronic acid

or the merits of applying it topically.

Ally!

My friend is at the door. Can you help her get in?

They shouldn't have a problem. Just tell them to say my name.

The bouncer said they're at capacity.

At capacity.

-Bet you didn't see that coming. -I did.

So smart telling me to invite every guy in my DMs.

- Did I say that? - You know her.

She's really...

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

- Excuse me. - Sorry.

-I'm s... I'm sorry. -No, no. I'm so sorry. I...

You were just standing there. I'm sorry I opened the door.

Opening a door doesn't require an apology either, so.

Yeah.

I'm so sorry. You probably want to use the restroom.

Oh, I do. Yeah.

-Yeah. Of course. -Yeah.

Sorry.

-Are you bored? -No. Why?

Well, you're on your phone at a party.

Right. Well, I didn't want to seem creepy,

you know, standing here just staring at people.

So I'm on my phone for the benefit of others, really.

Did you think I looked creepy

standing alone, not looking at my phone?

No. I thought you looked cool and mysterious.

Only I look creepy.

Well, for the record, I... I felt really weird.

Hence me forcing you to talk to me.

Well, I'm glad we can make each other feel less socially inept.

Yeah. It's good. It's a good thing.

Uh, I'm Finn, by the way.

- Mackenzie. - Lovely to meet you.

- How do you know Ally? - I... I don't.

My friend Alex texted the person in his contacts

who does the most cocaine, and that's where he was going,

-and... -Oh, okay.

- Yeah. - Oh, wow.

Look at this beautiful baby right here.

This is Harrison.

This is Alex. These idiots are my friends.

Hi.

These fellows are, for the lack of a better word,

-on the prowl. -Sorry about that.

-Yeah. -They don't...

-My girlfriend died, but I'm over it. -Oh.

Should we get some drinks?

Mmm-hmm. Yes. - Yes?

- Thank you. - Sorry.

-I swear to God, I'm here for moral support. -Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, I don't usually go out unless I absolutely have to.

Why would you?

I mean, the... The cons so outweigh the pros.

The only pro is that you could actually meet somebody.

Yeah, and of course the worst-case scenario is you could die.

- Mackenzie. - That...

Sorry. Uh, I'm gonna...

Who the...is that?

I have been stuck outside the entire night

helping people get their friends in and guess who's in line.

I give up.

Evan. With a girl.

-Um, hello? -Oh, sorry.

What happened? Tell me again.

Can we please sit?

-My feet are fucking killing me. -Okay.

-What are you doing? -Oh my God.

-What's happening? -My foot's asleep.

Oh, okay, what do you want me to do about it?

No, no, please help me.

-What do you... What do I do? Okay. -Just like shake it.

Like, do something. Like, please, like...

Okay, I got it, I got it, I got it.

-Please. -How's that? Is that good?

-More. It really hurts. -Okay, okay.

-All right, all right. -I really, really hate it.

-Is that good? -More, more, more.

Is she jerking that guy off?

- Oh, God. - It really, really hurts.

-I got you. I got you. -Evan's here. Evan just walked in.

I swear that girl he was with,

has gone on with every single one of my Hinge matches.

How do you know that?

Every guy I've hooked up with in the last two years follows her on Instagram.

It's not a coincidence.

-We're on the same dating algorithm. -She's really pretty,

so maybe it's the hot girl algorithm.

Mmm. She is really pretty.

Thank you for that.

She's also so young that her baby photos

were taken on a third-generation iPhone.

Thank God, I got scared it was a voice note again.

Found him.

And how has the latest listeria outbreak affected you?

I no longer feel safe ordering a Chagacchino.

I don't... I don't get the joke.

I don't think it's a sketch. I think he's a journalist.

What? Let me see.

Wow.

He is a journalist.

So cool that you get like a real life meet-cute

at a party filled with my reply guys

and my only option tonight is like to fuck Lucas.

I consent.

Jake texted you.

I guess he's like obsessed with me.

Is that how he talks to you?

Yeah, I mean it's, you know, it's like our joke.

The average 35 points per game last year,

six assists and 10 rebounds.

Look out for him tonight.

That's what I'm trying to explain to you, bro.

To maximize your potential, you've gotta hustle, grind...

Could I have a little more water, please?

Yeah, sure.

- Here you go. - Thanks.

I'm gonna sleep so good tonight.

Um, do you think maybe we could talk a little first?

Uh, okay. About what?

I don't know. I just... I feel like we've been doing this

for almost two years and I barely know you at all.

Yeah, sure. Um, what do you want to know?

Well, what do you want to do after you graduate?

Pass the bar.

O... Obviously, yeah.

What do you want to do after that?

Become the president.

I'm sorry.

That's... That's amazing.

I'm sure you will, I'm sure you will.

I'm just so tired.

Yeah, yeah, we can just go to sleep.

He didn't offer you a sweatshirt?

That's far too intimate for him.

You look cute, like an off-duty model.

Hmm, more like an off-duty rat.

No, thank you, period.

Thank you, period.

I did not know people still used these things.

Well, my bank account

is in a pretty scary place, so I'm charging these,

for some extra cash.

This is a job?

I thought it was a YouTube thing like parkour, stealing.

Oh, so funny, Ally.

You know what?

Why don't you go ahead and get fucked, okay?

Because some people actually have to work to live.

Could you imagine that?

There's one.

Lucas! What the fuck?

Sorry.

You know, I'm a full-time student,

just like Mackenzie.

You never give her shit.

Well, the difference is

that Mackenzie goes to law school to become a lawyer,

and you are getting an MFA in fine art

to manipulate your parents into paying your rent.

Well, you're a Philistine.

-Wow. -That's not even true.

My parents only pay for my food.

Mmm-hmm. I heard you on the phone with your dad the other day,

telling him that Venmo is a cafe. That true?

That's what I thought.

Hmm.

Kenz, did you enjoy your night with the human vape pen?

You know, they give us their crumbs and we cherish them

- as though they were caviar. - Yeah. We sure do.

I really think you need to message the hot journalist.

No, that is so cringe. I would never do that.

Oh, you would never do that? - No.

Well, you told me to do it yesterday.

Where should we go for breakfast, guys?

I have to go to the library.

Even though it's my birthday?

It's not anymore.

Oh, so I don't get a full weekend.

Okay. Got it.

Cool.

Birthday's a day.

One day.

This does not count as us watching a movie together.

Just want to be clear about that.

Fuck.

Your tapping is distracting.

-No! -Yeah, send it.

You guys even know what's happening?

Uh, he's a schizophrenic

and it's been an illusion the whole time.

Yeah, and the friend is actually working for the cops.

We're watching Still Alice, so...

But why?

You know, everyone hates the texting stage, but I love it.

Feeling like every thought that comes into your head is worthy of sharing.

Mmm. I'll probably never see him again, though.

You know, he might be one of those serial texters

for all we know.

Hate those.

I only want to type that much if I'm getting graded, paid or fucked for it.

Jesus.

He's FaceTiming me?

You have to answer.

I can't talk to him in real time.

He knows you're on your phone.

It's so fucked when people do this.

People should not be allowed to do this.

I agree.

You know, if you don't answer, he's going to think it's because you look bad.

But it is because I look bad.

I mean, who looks cute often enough for a cold FaceTime?

Ugh, God.

Hey.

Hey there.

Yeah. Not much. Not much.

Just...

Sorry, I'm... I'm bad at FaceTime.

You can't be bad at FaceTime.

No, you can, actually, and I can already tell that you're good at it, so.

How?

Uh, well, 'cause you chose to do it, and...

And the way you're holding the phone,

you're not afraid of like what angle the camera will catch you at.

Right, right, right, right.

Um, well, okay, I'll let you off the hook soon.

I just need to know one thing.

What is your favorite restaurant?

Restaurant dates make me nervous.

Uh, why... Why is that?

Everyone can tell you're on a first date

and they're trying to, you know, interpret how well it's going.

Yeah, sounds fun.

The ordering is embarrassing.

One of us could order something in a certain way

and then the other one could just lose attraction immediately.

That is true. We don't want that to happen.

Um, okay, okay.

Um, I can figure something out. I'll figure something out.

I don't love surprises.

- Mmm-hmm. Let me guess. - They make you nervous?

Okay, I'm actually going now. Bye.

Love you. Have fun.

I swear, guys, doing this for 40 minutes a day

got my cheekbones to look so lifted.

I promise your body will know to stop shitting once you leave.

You just have... You just have to go.

I thought we said no dinner.

Well, it's not dinner in public.

I don't get it.

Mr. Grantham.

Please, follow me.

You're kidding me.

I wanted to do something special for you.

I promise you I'll do my best to stay attracted to you

-while you order. -Thank you.

And if anybody asks,

we're doing a special in the restaurant.

I'm sorry we're closed for the night.

There's a table seated right there.

Uh, it's a private event.

This is an event?

Should we just like let them eat here, because it's kind of garnering

more attention than just regular eating in public.

No. Fuck 'em.

It's for you.

He was so funny.

I mean, he would stay up for hours, and hours, and hours just telling stories.

No one could light up a room like him.

How could you possibly know that Abraham Lincoln was funny?

I've read books on him.

Yeah, the fact that you've read multiple books on Abraham Lincoln

and I haven't read a single book, period.

You must read law books.

Mmm. That's not really reading. It's soullessly absorbing words.

Well, what kind of laws that you want to practice?

- I'm mostly interested in city politics. Mmm-hmm.

I don't know, just working on something

for years, and then seeing it affected into law,

and getting to watch it all play out in real life weirdly excites me.

It's obviously extremely boring and uninteresting

to talk about, not to mention a completely unoriginal career path, so.

Not to me.

You're the only person under 30 I know that's not trying to make a Forbes list.

Yeah, that's cause I'm a mediocre person.

Mediocre people don't know they're mediocre.

Seriously though, it's um... I think it's really impressive what you do.

What you do is really impressive. I could never do that.

Sure you could. It's so easy. Just ask me questions.

Okay. Let's see.

Okay.

What are your three favorite animals and why?

Really? Okay. Uh, first, I'd say the red panda.

I did a story on them about a year ago.

They're endangered and they're so cute.

And, um, second would probably be a golden retriever.

They're smart. They're loyal. Totally harmless creature.

Oh, and third?

Maybe a chimp.

'Cause they're almost human.

Well, the first represents how the world sees you.

The second is how you see yourself.

And the third is what you actually are.

Almost human.

Wow, that's great.

Uh, you're in a forest. How do you feel?

I feel good. I like the trees.

Uh, I brought you here with me.

So that's nice. Comforting.

- That's how you feel about death. Mmm.

How do you like your coffee?

I don't really care what it tastes like as long as it's hot.

Oh, no. Is coffee sex?

- Yeah, it is. Um, okay, last one.

You get flowers from the person you want them from most.

What are the flowers?

Probably white roses.

Hmm. That's the kind of relationship you want to have.

I'd say white roses are pretty traditional.

-What about you? -I think I said daisies.

I don't really remember. It was a long time ago.

This is my friend Ally's first-date icebreaker.

And how do you take your coffee?

Oh, yeah, I like it when it keeps me up all night.

You know what I mean?

And I like to switch it up a lot.

Drip, iced, lattes, you know, a lot of cream.

Mmm-hmm, yeah.

- I'd take my coffee that way, too. Uh-huh.

I have a soft spot for the first table we ate at.

We were different people then.

Yeah, I like where we're at now.

It's the closest I've got to sitting next to you all night.

Oh, I forgot to take it off when I shower

and it's not like a real material.

Can I have it?

As collateral. So you'll see me again.

You have no idea how crazy it is to me that

you aren't 100% sure I would see you again.

You're in complete control of the situation.

I find that very hard to believe.

It's true.

You'll have to prove it.

Ooh.

So cute.

Yeah, fancy. Did you get a booth?

He rented out the whole restaurant.

Sorry what?

What did you do to this guy?

I don't... I don't know.

He's made me realize that

no one has ever actually liked me before.

I, too, have come to the same realization about myself.

Well, that is so much. Why?

I told him that I was embarrassed to be on a first date in front of people.

Pick me.

What?

I said how quirky and endearing of you.

Ally, why do you have that?

Oh, I didn't want to spend the entire day like worrying if I left it on at home.

Yeah. Seek help.

So did you guys fuck or what?

-Ew, Lucas. -Come on.

- Yeah, did you? - No.

But we have been sending the water drop emoji back and forth,

so I think it's gonna happen this weekend.

Totally.

Wait, what does the water drop emoji have to do with sex?

Lucas.

It means wet, dude.

Fuck.

How are you neither old nor foreign?

It's bad. Really not good.

So when are you seeing him again?

On Friday.

Look at this.

That's amazing.

Do you know where he's gonna take you?

I don't know.

I'm going with Hawaii.

Malaysia.

Hawaii. Fuck.

I have never been so physically comfortable in my life.

-I can't move. -Mmm-mmm.

I refuse.

It would be so hard.

It would be like, like getting out of a jacuzzi.

But the towels are so far away.

They're just too far.

Mm.

Unfortunately, I need to pee.

-Okay. -Give me an assist.

Three, two, one.

Hi.

What?

Oh, what are you doing?

I'm protecting myself from what could be on your explore page.

-Oh yeah? -Yeah.

Ooh, it could get bad.

I don't wanna see. No, no.

-Winston Churchill facts? -Mmm-hmm.

This is supposed to be insight into your worst interests.

-It is my worst interests. -No, that's not good enough.

-Look at mine. -Mmm-hmm.

Plastic surgery before and after pics,

'cause even my phone knows I need it.

-Shut up. -It's true.

Honestly, it sucks you have to look at me so much.

Honestly, it sucks that you don't get to look at you.

Get out of here.

What was that?

I'm just pulling all the bad thoughts out of your head.

I got about 80%.

Still about 20 left,

but it's pretty good for the first round.

No one's ever been this sweet to me before.

Well, they're idiots.

Are you sure you're real and not like a 2004 Matthew McConaughey simulation?

I've never felt this way about somebody before.

And I've only had one serious girlfriend

and she cheated on me.

-So, yeah. -Hmm. Yeah, same here.

But he was really easy to get over.

He once memorized the entire Dark Knight opening monologue.

That's lame.

See, you get how hard it is to trust people.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was fucked long before that, though.

My mom left when I was a little kid.

And I don't know, I guess when your mom leaves,

you don't really expect anybody to stay for you, so.

Sorry, I can't imagine what that was like.

It's okay.

I didn't mean to trauma dump on you or anything, I just...

No, it's okay.

I um...

I really like you a lot.

I really like you a lot, too.

You do?

Speaking of...

You wanna open it?

Okay.

It's shiny now?

And gold.

And new.

And monogrammed.

Oh.

You know, you don't have to do stuff like this for me.

I know.

I want to.

And I got one for me, too.

-What? -Yeah.

Check it out.

Oh, my gosh.

-I don't know what to say. -Well, you don't have to say anything.

I want yours.

- You want mine? - You can wear mine.

That's cute. I want yours.

-Thank you. -Mmm.

Because A and B together

could transfer a fee simple within their own lifetimes

plus 21 years.

Oh, my time is up.

Remember, my office hours are extended this week.

And judging by today's performance,

I suggest many of you take advantage.

Okay, thank you.

Two left in a coma. One left confused.

The manhunt continues after hijacking suspects sped away.

That's all we have for tonight. Please stay tuned.

Melissa Grayheart's coming up next.

I love you, Mackenzie.

What the fuck? - Well, it sounds like love is in the air.

They're dying and it was just like, there's so many people.

And I freaked out in my car.

Why do all hot guys wrap towels around their waist?

-You think I'm hot? -You knew that already.

Don't you want your chest to dry, too?

It's a form of expressing masculinity.

Well, it's toxic. You're gonna catch a cold.

Anything for you, baby.

Sorry, baby. I wasn't on my phone.

You viewed my story.

Oh, I was only on there for like a minute before I saw that you texted.

- Sorry. - Okay.

Well, hi, beautiful.

Hold on.

There she is.

I'm so sleepy.

I just wanted to call and say goodnight.

So we're not gonna talk?

Uh, I wish, but I'm so tired.

Isn't it like 2:00 a.m. there?

Yeah, I stayed up all night just to talk to you.

And I'm live at 6:00.

What? Why did you do that?

Because I can't sleep without talking to you first.

Well, that's really sweet,

but just tell me next time, so I'm not unknowingly

keeping you awake, okay?

So we're not gonna talk?

No, I will.

Remember when we used to stay up all night FaceTiming?

What... What happened to that?

Mmm, I think because we've been dating for a couple of months

and so we know each other now.

I just miss you so much.

I miss you, too.

Mmm-mmm.

You know,

Mackenzie, I don't think I could live without you.

Oh, I love you.

But you could live without me?

I didn't say that.

I mean, if I had to, I'd find a way,

but I wouldn't be happy about it.

Promise me you'll never leave me.

I promise.

I love you forever.

Mackenzie!

What? What happened?

Can you say it back?

Oh, I love you forever.

From the most to the least authoritative.

The first one being the U.S. Constitution.

This is the supreme law of the land, the Supremacy Clause.

Even federal statute can be challenged

as being unconstitutional in this legislation.

For homework tonight, I need you to all look

at the principal case very carefully.

That means highlight and take notes.

Pages S-51 through 87.

If you have any questions, you know...

Hello?

Why didn't you answer my calls?

I was in class. What happened?

Why are you ignoring me?

I was in class. What's going on? You're freaking me out.

Why didn't you leave class to answer?

I... I just... I didn't want to miss anything.

God forbid.

It's hard to believe you couldn't even text me back.

I was just, I was trying to focus.

What is going on?

I was trying to reach you for an hour and a half.

Okay, well I'm on the phone now.

Please tell me what's happening.

I just wanted to check in on you.

You said there was an emergency.

Yeah, when I couldn't reach you for an hour and a half,

I was really worried.

Jesus, you scared me.

What could have happened? You know I'm in school.

I don't know. A fucking shooting?

- Why are you laughing? - I was scared.

You get anxious when a person fucking sneezes.

Okay. Sorry. I was busy.

- You were busy. - Doing what?

I mean I'm sure they grant you some autonomy during your little class.

Why are you being such a dick?

Wow. I was fucking joking.

What exactly is the joke?

The joke is I have an extremely high pressure job

and I still manage to answer every single one

of your calls and texts, because you are my priority.

Finn, just because I don't answer my phone

when I'm busy doesn't mean you're not my priority.

You're on your phone 24/7.

And if you actually cared about me, you would answer...

you would find a way to answer a call or a text.

That's all I'm saying, but instead I'm left

looking at 10 missed phone calls like a fucking idiot,

because you don't give a shit about me!

I have to go. Okay?

I'll call you when I get home and you've calmed down.

Oh my God.

Oh my God. Fucking stop.

Oh my God.

So they basically say that men will get married

to whoever they're with at the time

once they're ready to settle down.

But women wait to find the one they want to settle down with.

But anyone a guy is with, when he's ready, he'll just marry.

- Hi. - Hey.

Ally is really good at making drinks.

I taught myself last summer, so I'd have something going for me.

What are you doing here?

Oh. Uh, I mean, you weren't answering,

so I just stopped by to see if you were home

and Ally said you were probably out getting groceries.

Hey.

Um, I'm gonna change.

Will you come with me?

Yeah.

What are you... What are you doing here?

Well, we needed to talk and you didn't answer my calls.

How could you not care enough to even check in

to see how I was doing?

I told you I would call you when I got home and I just got home, so.

I mean, you haven't even tried to make me feel better.

I don't know what I'm supposed to say.

I just wanted to call

and make sure you were safe and tell you I love you.

Okay. I'm safe and I love you, too.

Sure.

Doesn't sound like it.

Finn, could we maybe just finish this tomorrow?

It's been a really long day. I'm tired.

-You're tired? -Yeah.

I walked all the way over here and waited for you like a dog,

so that we wouldn't go to sleep angry at each other.

Do you have no regard for my feelings whatsoever?

Honestly, I kind of feel

like you don't really have any regard for my feelings

or the fact that I didn't invite you over.

Where are you going?

Finn!

You, no...

What... What are you doing?

Oh my God! Why would you do that?

Because you don't love me. - Yes, I do.

No, you don't.

Finn! Oh my God!

What was that?

Ew, my roommate's having like

disgusting loud sex with her boyfriend.

Stop it. What are you doing?

What are you doing?

-You don't care about me. -Yes, I do.

Can we please move on? You're not being normal.

I'm not being normal, because I'm trying to express to you

the ways in which you are making me unhappy.

I think that that's pretty normal.

-I make you unhappy? -Yes, Mackenzie.

You make me want to kill myself.

Jesus, what? That is so extreme.

If I treated you the way that you treat me,

you'd want to kill yourself too. Trust me.

Will you please stop saying stuff like that?

You're scaring me.

What a monster I am.

Taking you to all these dinners,

inviting you to all these parties

you'd never be invited to in the first place,

flying you places.

My entire life revolves around you, Mackenzie,

and you don't give a fuck!

I... I never asked you for anything.

Yeah, well, you don't do shit for me.

I mean seriously, name one thing you've done for me.

I'm not gonna like sit here and...

And list off things that I've done.

I feel like I'm a loving person.

Because you can't name one.

Because I'm confused.

I... I thought we were like amazing.

Of course, you feel like that,

because I treat you really well.

I treat you like gold.

And you treat me like a pile of shit.

Fuck this. I'm walking into traffic.

Finn?

Finn! Oh my God.

No one's like loved me.

- Finn! Oh my God. - Just let me die.

-Oh my God. -Let me die.

What?

What?

I can't do anything right. - Oh.

I am fucking stupid!

- No, no... I can't do anything right.

No, no, no, baby.

Okay, we're gonna go over

the types of legislation now in hierarchy, from the most

to least authoritative.

Okay, so the first one being the U.S. Constitution.

The supreme law of the land.

It's a policy clause.

Even federal statutes in this legislation

can be challenged as being unconstitutional.

Okay, number two, federal statutes.

I'm really sorry.

Third one is treaties.

A diplomatic instrument.

It's compact between nations.

It may have incidental side effects

as federal legislation.

The fourth type of legislation is state constitutions.

Here it's more likely to deal with at length

in a very specific term.

Subjects like school and police administration,

lotteries, state and municipal budgeting,

tenure of civil service employees, etc.

The Supreme Court of the U.S.

is not superior in authority to state courts on questions

of local state law.

Number five. State statutes.

The effectiveness of a state statutory provision

may be challenged in court

that it violates some prohibition

in the U.S. Constitution.

Okay, and...

-Ow. -You're so sensitive.

How else do you expect me to do this?

Slower and quieter, maybe?

Okay. That's okay.

Now you're just being rude.

What the fuck?

Oh. Oh, this.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I didn't even notice this.

Wildly unnecessary.

I'm sorry, but he is so fucking corny.

It's a lot of flower water, which gets very stinky.

In two days this will be just stinky flower water.

Okay, Kenz, can you do me a favor?

-What's up? -Can you check my close friends

and just tell me if it's obvious

I'm posting on it for my crush.

Lucas said I look desperate.

Very desperate. I've never seen anyone use that feature to pout before.

Are you kidding? Lit doesn't count as a word.

This is everything that's wrong with our culture.

-Literally always been a word. -Babe, come on.

- Kenz? - What?

You solving a mystery over there, or what's going on?

No, I'm just... I'm just messaging Finn.

It's, um, it's easier on my laptop

'cause then my thumbs don't hurt.

Uh, what's going on? Is everything okay?

It will be. We got into our first fight last night.

I think that maybe I've been taking him

for granted a little bit and he's feeling insecure.

Does he feel insecure,

because you guys are together all the time

and then when you're not together

you're also still talking?

I get it.

I once got upset at Cody, because he got up before me on a Sunday morning

and then never came back in to cuddle.

I just walked out and he was sitting there on his phone.

Like, are you joking?

If you're not gonna do therapy,

can you at least look at the TikToks I send you?

Lit is a word, by the way.

Oh.

Yeah, yeah.

I hate myself.

You should. You actually should.

I have to go.

What, you just got here. - Sorry.

Fuck! I mean, fuck.

Ooh, could you get me some allergy meds?

"Lit isn't a word, babe."

Did you just lower your own man voice

to imitate me?

I'm... I'm really sorry that I made you feel that way.

I just don't want you to do things

that are gonna make you resent me.

You're making me feel really bad.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad.

-I just... -No, I know I thought we were gonna forget about last night.

No, we are. It's just...

It's a little hard for me to brush past you

saying I make you want to kill yourself.

I don't know what got into me.

I think I was trying to sabotage us.

Why?

Because sometimes I think you're too good to be true and I'm scared

you're gonna leave me.

I'm not going anywhere.

-You promise? -Yes.

I think you're the first person

-that's like ever seen me like that. -Really?

Yeah. I mean, I used to get these panic attacks

when I was like 10.

Is that when your mom left?

It was more my dad.

He really struggled a lot when my mom left.

And it sounds stupid.

It sounds really stupid. I can't believe I'm telling you this.

The first panic attack happened

after I begged my dad

to let me have a sleepover with my friends.

All the kids in my elementary school class would have 'em.

Their moms would be there setting it up.

After begging my dad for a really long time,

he finally let me have one.

When they came over,

I had realized that my dad forgot.

And there was nothing set up.

There was no food and the house was dirty.

We all just sat there, and within an hour,

they all called their moms

and asked them to pick them up.

And so I just...

I had a panic attack.

Baby.

That's so sad.

You know how precious you are to me.

You don't hate me, do you?

Of course not.

You know, this is what love is.

You see someone through their worst moments.

Can you do me a favor?

Anything.

Can you delete our text messages?

Sure.

I'm just so embarrassed.

No, it's okay. Don't be.

You really still love me?

Yes.

You are the best boyfriend in the whole world.

I love you forever.

I love you forever.

First of all, you guys, she likes karaoke.

So, like already I'm superior.

Because I have the self-awareness to not sing in public.

- Sure. - No offense, Lucas.

What's second of all?

Second of all, is I did some light stalking.

Like she's never written one of her own captions in her entire life.

It's so obvious.

See this? It's absolutely insane.

Every post has a different personality.

I mean, she's outsourcing.

Like this has a full writers' room.

Mmm-hmm.

Ooh, yes.

- Got the res for Saturday, so. - For where?

Chez Louis.

Ugh, I knew you were gonna say that.

I hate when you pretend you're in Paris.

It makes me so nauseous.

-What's Saturday? -The reunion.

Oh, fuck, that's right.

What reunion?

Some people from our college dining club are in town.

You're not gonna flake, are you?

No, of course not.

What's dining club?

You guys do dinners?

Yeah, and we talk about things.

Oh, what kind of things?

World events, life, thoughts,

religion, politics, sports, sex.

So, so dinner.

Yeah.

That's the most pretentious shit I've ever heard in my life.

-Wow. -Wow.

No, it's not.

It's... It's not pretentious, actually. It's quite nuanced.

No, it's definitely pretentious. Thank you.

No. It sounds fun, sounds fun.

Do you wanna come?

No, seriously.

Could he, you think?

Could he come to our college club reunion?

I don't know if you would enjoy yourself.

It's gonna be like a lot of dumb reminiscing and...

Yeah, it's fine.

It's not that fun. It's like... Like...

I mean, it was really hard to get a table,

but I'm sure I could ask if we could have one more.

Might only need one chair for the two of you.

You know?

You guys, it's... It's fine.

Seriously, you do your thing.

-Are you sure, baby? -Yeah, I don't need to be there.

I really don't.

Aren't you just the sweetest thing in the world?

You're so sweet.

What's this?

- What does it look like? - It's a sleepover.

Actually, if... If I do say so myself, it's...

It's kind of the perfect sleepover.

We've got snacks. We've got video games.

We've got, oh, it's a little off-brand,

but we've got shrooms.

Listen, I know... I know that sometimes I can like

get in my own head

and it might seem like I don't appreciate you

or I'm not grateful for you, but I really am.

And... And I think about you all the time.

And I've already cried twice thinking about you

as a little boy at that sleepover, so.

You're all I need.

Sorry if I ever made you feel otherwise.

No, I'm sorry it took me this long

to do something nice for you.

You're not gonna get rid of me that easy, okay?

-You want to do shrooms? -Yeah.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

I know you didn't know this about me before,

'cause I don't like to bring it up like early on.

- I don't like to show off. - What?

But I'm the best Pikachu in the world. Oh, are you?

I'm the best in the world.

Like, actually, I'm the best in the world.

Like, they call it "edgeguarding". I call it "hating".

I am the best.

I'm actually the best Pikachu in the world.

Like, you can't beat the graph. You can't beat the grab.

No, I really can't, actually.

-You can't beat the grab. -I'm sorry. It's like, it's... It's not fair.

-Cheers. -It's the most underrated dessert, right?

By far.

-Tickle monster. -No.

Get a little tickle, man.

You're so nasty, ugh.

-Ugh, I feel so sick. -Really?

I feel amazing.

I really need to brush my teeth,

but I'm too cozy to move.

Oh, where are you going?

Oh, no, no, don't go.

What the fuck?

Anything for my princess.

Mmm-mmm.

-I have to get ready. -Mmm-mmm.

I have to get ready, I'm sorry.

Mmm-mmm.

-Yeah. -Mmm-mmm.

It's time.

Mmm-mmm. Sorry.

-Let go. -Mmm-mmm.

I'm gonna be late for dinner.

Oh, for the geniuses who think they invented dinner.

-Ah, yes, of course. -Thank you.

Please, my lady.

I really wish we were spending my last night together.

I know, I do too.

But you'll only be gone for a week

and I will be back right after dinner.

We'll only have an hour.

We'll have all night, baby.

You're going to be home at 10:00 and in bed by 11:00.

Which is fine.

I just need to manage my expectations.

I'm sorry, you're right. I... I don't know what time I'll be home,

but it won't be late and we'll have the morning,

and the rest of our lives.

Fine.

I wish I could stay home with you.

I don't really see them a lot, and embarrassingly enough,

they were like the only thing

that got me through school, so.

You didn't like college?

Not really. It was kind of a difficult time for me.

- Why? - I had this professor

he would ask me to come to his office all the time,

and then he started pouring me drinks there,

and I mean, it was very cliche in a lot of ways,

but I just... I never really thought

he would try anything.

I really looked up to him and...

but he did... He did try to kiss me one day

and then I rejected him, and I didn't feel unsafe, you know?

But um, he just...

He got really hostile with me in class after that,

so I went and I told the counselor,

like you're supposed to do on campus,

and before I knew it, he was fired,

and somehow everyone knew it was because of me.

What a piece of shit.

Yeah, it was just... I don't know, it was shitty.

All the students really loved him

and it felt like it was all my fault.

I'm so sorry.

-It's okay. You're so sweet. -No.

Listen, I'm just gonna go for the minimum amount of time

and then I will run back to cuddle and kiss.

Okay?

Just wait, one more thing.

-I have to tell you one more thing. -What?

I love you forever.

Animals sleep on the ground, because they don't have another option.

We want a comfortable place, but we just assume they don't?

It's preposterous.

There should be animal beds every few miles.

Actually, humans are supposed to sleep on the floor.

We could just put a mattress out in the woods. It'll rot.

I think an animal's more likely to choke on a mattress spring

rather than sleep on a mattress.

Yes, that will do.

No, Ally, you would test the elements.

If you... if anyone actually cared about animals,

they'd figure this out.

But no, of course not.

We have our top minds creating AI code

that turns a photo of you into a Renaissance painting.

Like mine wasn't even good.

I think it's very sweet that you want to make beds for deer.

Yeah, 'cause everything's perfect.

There's no more sexism, racism, genocide.

All unhoused people are taken care of.

And the last thing to figure out

is a comfortable night's sleep for a raccoon.

Um, you can't smoke here.

Oh, I know, it's just for the aesthetic.

Cigarettes are disgusting.

But it's very French.

Oh, and explain sanpaku to them.

So, sanpaku is when you have,

you see the whites of your eyes below.

I think like the hottest have them. I have that.

I don't have sanpaku eyes.

But I do have a mild case of...

It's just, you can't really see right now.

Hey, hey, no phones. You know the rules.

Sorry. Sorry, I'm just texting.

I just feel like now that I'm 26 I can't like cry

and have it feel like...

Sorry, okay. Thank you.

So I brought Julie to my, you know,

my little thing that I do every week.

She didn't speak. She didn't mutter a word.

I was like, "Why should I bring you here, you're like a dead corpse?"

I'd rather not have friend...

I'd rather act like I didn't have friends.

Silent but sweet, like silent but sweet.

But like instead, I bring Julie.

You get it, right?

I think it's just like, I just think it's so obvious.

Like okay, so then you have someone like...

Finn, what is going on?

I should be asking you that.

Asking me what?

I'm at dinner and I look up to see your friend spying on me.

Harrison's not spying on you.

He texted me a photo about running into there.

Okay, well then, why wouldn't he just come up and say hi to me

like a normal person?

Because he's shy.

And plus, if you weren't doing anything wrong,

then what's wrong with him taking a photo of you?

I really should not have to explain why that's bothersome.

Is Lucas there?

Why are you asking me that like you didn't just see a photo of us

at the same table?

Well, you're sitting awfully close to him, don't you think?

You mean next to him?

Yeah, yeah, Finn,

I'm sitting next to my friend at a dinner table. This is crazy.

Don't call me crazy.

Don't even insinuate that I am crazy,

because you have no idea what goes on in my head.

Okay.

Okay, I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry.

I just find it disrespectful, that's all.

You find what disrespectful?

That you're so close to a guy

who's obviously in love with you.

Lucas is not in love with me.

I see things that you don't, okay?

Imagine how you would feel if I left you alone to go to dinner

with some girl you knew was in love with me.

Yeah, that would be really shitty,

but that's not what's happening.

The only women that have my number are women that I work with,

'cause I changed it when we met,

so that you would never feel uncomfortable.

Like what have you done for me?

What?

Yeah, but you don't even post me anymore.

I barely post.

And I planned a whole night for you

like two days ago.

Oh.

The sleepover? Mackenzie, that is embarrassing. I'm an adult.

Okay, well, I'm sorry I'm a normal person

and not a producer on The Bachelor.

I can't. I have to go, okay?

I have to go.

Are you seriously gonna hang up?

I'm not hanging up. I'm telling you that I'm leaving.

There's a difference, okay?

Go. Have fun!

I'll be sitting here doing nothing like always!

Yeah, rest assured,

it will be nearly impossible for me to have fun after this conversation.

Why are you being so mean to me?

I don't get it! I'm so nice to you!

You should be treating me like a king!

You know how many women would wanna date me?

Any other guy would be texting girls

and probably cheating on you.

On you especially.

What is that supposed to mean?

Mackenzie, we never have sex.

We have sex. Since when is this an issue?

Since always.

Am I the only one in this relationship?

My friends think it's so fucked up

the way that you treat me.

I mean, their girlfriends have sex with them every day.

What? They said that?

I think you've given me head like twice.

I hate this so much.

Why are you doing this right now?

Well, because it's a problem.

We can have sex more. Okay?

We'll have sex more.

What do you want me to do about this right now?

All I want you to know is that I'm not happy or satisfied.

Well, I'll fucking blow you when I get home, okay?

Are you happy now?

I hate my life! Jesus!

Script of True West?

Well, I rewrote it. I had rewritten it

and I just thought that we could like

put on a production in the apartment.

- It was good. - Can you pass me that?

I'm sorry to interrupt.

Is one of you Mackenzie?

Yeah.

Your boyfriend's on the phone.

Oh, my God.

I'm... I'm so sorry.

I'll call him back from my phone.

That's... Sorry about that.

Seriously, what is happening?

He's locked out of his apartment.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

It's not a big deal. Calm down.

No, I have to go. This is so twisted.

I just wanted to talk. Stop freaking out.

You're the one who's freaking out!

Relax. Breathe. It's okay.

What do you want?

I wanna know if you still want to be with me.

Yes, I do.

Just stop, please stop.

What's taking so long?

When are you gonna be home?

Twenty minutes.

Okay, I'll see you in 20 minutes.

I'm turning off my phone. We don't get along right now.

Hey, you okay?

Oh, yeah.

I... I'm fine.

Hong Kong.

What do you think?

I don't know.

What's wrong?

What? Nothing.

Everything's fine.

How is it fine?

Because it is.

You don't think that you'd be better off without me?

No.

'Cause I have problems.

I don't think that.

And that all I do is cause you trouble.

It's not true.

And I'm sorry if me hanging out with Lucas upsets you.

I can understand that.

But you can't just be breaking shit.

It's my shit.

I paid for it.

Besides, what the fuck do you care anyway?

Look, maybe I should... Maybe I should move my week around.

-No. -So I can stay longer.

No, no, I... I have so much work to do.

Honestly, it would just be you waiting around again.

I don't wanna leave

when we're on these terms with each other.

Everything's fine. Seriously.

Nothing's changed. You should go on your trip.

We're good. I promise.

Well, now it feels like you're trying to get rid of me.

What?

No.

I'm... I'm not.

Something's up.

You're just being paranoid.

And... And I'm... I'm... I'm gonna get a new number today.

You don't have to do that.

I want to.

Cause I... I just, I wanna make you feel as secure

as you make me feel.

You promise you don't look at me differently?

I promise.

I hate being away from you. All I do is think about you.

I'm so lucky.

Nobody has what we have.

It's so special.

So real.

So real.

Hi, baby. Sorry, my phone was in the other room.

- What's up? - Hi, Angel.

Just wanted to say I miss you already.

Oh, I miss you, too.

I was just about to hop in the shower.

Can I give you a call a little later?

Yeah. I love you.

I love you more.

You know...

What?

I probably should inspect you for ticks.

Oh, is that so?

Yeah, we were kind of reckless out there.

Yeah?

No ticks there.

Fuck, that's fucking good.

Kenz!

Our little city hall staffer,

wow, you gonna wear a pantsuit on your first day? What do you think?

Yeah, I haven't thought that far ahead.

I am excited, though.

You totally deserve this.

I mean, not really.

What are you talking about, our little staffing vix,

you've been working your ass off.

Every law student in like a 300-mile radius applied for this job.

I'm just the only one whose boyfriend knows a counsel person.

But it is my dream,

so I'm just trying to go with it.

How is the boyfriend?

He's good. He's really good.

Even today?

What is that supposed to mean?

You know, just because

he has a tendency of ruining special or important days,

like even Christmas.

I mean, if it was bad all the time,

obviously I wouldn't put up with it,

but we've been really good.

We have.

You guys don't see the other sides of him

that I do, you know?

And it's not like I'm the easiest person

to be in a relationship with, either.

He makes a lot of sacrifices to be with me.

Like what?

Maybe you like how much he needs you.

Maybe it makes you feel special.

Maybe you don't know what it's like to be in a real relationship.

Actually, I'm dating someone who's really nice

and doesn't even have social media.

Which you'd know, obviously, if you weren't so consumed

by your real relationship.

That's really great, Ally. Who is it?

Let's just say he's basically Ponyboy.

Ponyboy's 13.

Not anymore.

I swear to God, I once saw him light a cigarette

with no hands and no fire.

You swear to God on that?

Lucas is dating someone, too. - You are?

Trying not to jinx it, so I'm not gonna talk about it.

Do you not have your phone? Finn just texted me.

-Oh, I just probably don't have service. -Sorry.

He's texted me, too.

Wow. What's with all the tech?

I like to have it with me just in case.

Just in case of what?

What do you think?

Oh, iCloud?

I'm so scared of iCloud.

It's the scariest thing in the entire world.

Like, do you know how much shit I've talked?

No, no, no. Do not let my anxiety give you anxiety.

Fuck. Do you think I'm a horrible person now,

'cause I just took your anxiety?

You like shared an anxiety and I was like, "No me, I'm anxious, too."

No, it'll just give me more anxiety

if I made you think you should have anxiety.

If all your devices are with you,

do you think you're just like multiplying the chances

of your devices overhearing you?

Like, wouldn't that give you more anxiety?

I think for me that would give me more anxiety if I...

I... I thought... I thought you would wanna

celebrate the job with me.

And for you to go out with them,

it just feels like betrayal.

I'm hurt.

It just makes me mad.

They're not good friends to you.

The only reason why they keep you around

is because you're the only person nice enough to tolerate them.

If my friends didn't like you,

I wouldn't be able to be friends with them.

All I do is nice things.

I'm like the nicest guy ever.

You know, I've been talking to my therapist.

She says you not telling me these things

really triggers my abandonment issues.

She says the way that you treat me is fucked up.

She says you're a bad girlfriend.

Feels like an inappropriate thing for a therapist to say.

Mackenzie, she has a degree.

Would you rather me ask my two jobless loser friends

what they think of our relationship?

I forgot I can't be honest about how I'm feeling.

Because if I have any feelings, I'm scary.

I'm the one whose girlfriend is dressed like a whore.

If you want Lucas to fuck you so bad,

maybe you should leave a little bit more up to his imagination.

Sorry, I want to cry, because everyone hates me

for no reason and my life sucks!

I can't do this anymore, Finn. I can't.

Oh, God. What?

What are you talking about, Mackenzie? We're just talking.

No, we're not just talking!

Just break up with me, Mackenzie.

If I'm so fucking horrible, break up with me.

Why are you crying.

Nothing bad has ever happened to you

in your entire life, has it?

It's always something. I just... I can't.

I can't do anything right. I can't.

I love you. I really, really love you.

But I'm never gonna be able to make you happy.

Oh, God.

What?

I bet you led your professor on.

Just like you led me on.

And now you're ruining my life like you ruined his.

You fucking hit me in the face!

I know. I don't know why.

I would never hit you in a million years.

No, I don't know what came over me.

I think I was just trying something new.

You're trying something new?

Get the fuck away from me!

Sorry.

-Baby, you hit me in the face. -I know. I'm sorry.

- Oh, my God. - I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Wow.

Look who it is.

Hey.

Finals?

Yeah. I'm fucked.

Are you the kind of person that does what they need to pass

or overwork, say you're fucked, and then get an A?

I oscillate between the two.

You'll be fine.

Where you been? You've been ghosting me pretty hard.

Uh, I got a new number.

Too many crazy stalkers?

What is it?

What?

Your number.

Here you go.

It was nice to see you.

Yeah, you too.

Text message from "Finn.

Heart emoji, best boyfriend in the world."

"What's with the 'Hi'?

Please don't mess with my head today."

Would you like to reply?

Message from "Finn, heart emoji

"best boyfriend in the world".

"Why even text if you're not going to respond."

Would you like to reply?

Reply.

I'm sorry, exclamation point.

I meant it like a sweet hi.

Exclamation point, exclamation point.

Send.

Text message from "Finn, heart emoji

"best boyfriend in the world."

"K."

Sorry. I was distracted in the library.

How are you feeling, baby?

You good?

Yeah. Why?

You sound weird.

How can I sound weird? I haven't even said anything yet.

I can't say anything right.

Please don't start something. I'm too sad.

No, no, I wasn't.

I wasn't starting something. I'm sorry.

I thought you were trying to start something.

Let's start over.

What are you up to today?

I don't know. I thought you were gonna fly out and surprise me.

Why would you think that?

I don't know.

I feel like if it was reversed

and I saw how upset I made you,

I probably would have gotten on the next flight to prove I'm there for you.

I'm not the one making you feel this way.

I love you, and I'm doing everything I can to prove it to you.

You just need to trust me.

Well, that's pretty pathetic, if that's everything.

Best way to prove it is to be here with me.

Sorry, I just got your text.

Totally get it, obviously.

I just wish you could be there,

but I'll see you when you're back. Love you.

We love you. We love you.

Happy, happy birthday.

Happy birthday. Cheers.

Cheers.

-You ever heard of it? -No.

Okay, I'm gonna give you the Finn special.

Thank you so much.

I'm going to get it all deep in your locks.

-Oh, wow. -Yeah.

-Yeah, you're good at that. -It's good.

-Is it all on my face, too? -It's everywhere.

-Oh, good. -Yeah.

Hey, um, I didn't force you to come out here, did I?

No.

Fuck, I did, didn't I?

No, come on. I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be.

-You promise? -I promise.

You pinky promise?

Pinky promise.

-You know you're the world to me, right? -Yeah.

You know, I'll do anything for you?

Hey, uh, can I... Can I borrow your phone?

My service is whack.

Yeah, sure.

You scared me.

They didn't answer.

Oh, okay.

Mac.

Mackenzie! Wake up.

Oh my God, what the... What happened?

-What time is it? -Who's Lindsay?

What?

Don't play dumb with me. I've had enough of that.

Who is Lindsay?

She's... She's just a girl from my study group.

Uh-huh.

What's a girl doing from your study group texting you?

"What are you up to?" at 2:00 in the morning?

I don't know. She's a strange person.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I called Lindsay.

Are you gonna be honest with me now?

Yeah.

I ran into him at the library,

and he just wanted the new number,

and I... I didn't know how to say no, so I gave it to him.

Oh fuck.

And I was afraid that you would freak out about it,

so I just saved it as Lindsay.

And I was seeing him before we even met,

but I wasn't gonna text him back.

I never was gonna text him back.

And I know, I know it sounds bad, but I...

Shh!

You're a liar!

I tell you when a girl even fucking looks at me!

Steve Jobs' hot daughter DM'd me on Instagram and I blocked her!

I'm the most fucking honest guy ever! Fuck!

You saved his number as a girl!

What the fuck am I supposed to think?

I mean, I would never in a million years do this to you.

- Ever! - I know you're right.

You wouldn't. You wouldn't.

You must have flirted with him,

otherwise he wouldn't have texted you.

I swear I would never do anything to hurt you.

I swear.

I... I can't believe you called him.

I didn't call him!

I didn't fucking call him.

But it's good to know what I have to do to get some

fucking honesty around here.

You fucking lied to me when you didn't tell me

you ran into him at the library.

You lied to me when you saved his number as Lindsay.

And then you fucking lied to my face twice

when I asked you about it just now.

- I'm sorry, please, I'm sorry. - Oh, God.

No, I'm sorry, please.

You are the best thing that's ever happened to me, okay?

And I just made a stupid mistake, that's all, okay?

You're the best thing that's ever happened to me,

please forgive me.

I can't do it.

I can't do it.

Finn? Hey. What are you...

What are you doing?

Please stop it, please.

I don't wanna do it.

I can't do it.

What a moron I am.

I can't believe I wasted all this time on such a bitch.

What the fuck?

What are you... What are you doing?

Don't come any closer to me.

Please stop, it's not funny, please.

I don't think it's funny.

I wrote a suicide note on my phone.

Everyone's gonna know this is your fault.

Please, I'll do anything. I'll do anything.

Please, just come inside.

Finn, stop.

It's too late.

Please get down.

Just the sound of your voice.

I don't want to do it.

Don't answer that.

Don't fucking answer that.

Don't answer that.

Hey, how's it going?

Are you okay?

We've been receiving complaints about your room.

Oh, did I make too much noise?

I'm so sorry.

I... I... I did break a couple things.

Of course, I'll pay for everything.

Actually, um...

I'm really appreciative of what you guys do.

Uh, so if there's any...

Is this against hotel policy?

I... I'm just really...

I'll be right back.

Okay.

For you, if you... If you want it.

I have to go.

I love you so much.

Please let me go.

Yeah.

Door's open.

Look who's here!

Thank God.

Ice cream.

How are we doing?

So good.

I'm vegan this week.

Yeah, well, I'm paleo.

I'm ano.

It's for the vibes. Like breakup vibes.

- Yeah. - Ice cream.

-Yes! -No, I don't want to break up.

He was the best boyfriend ever and I'm just a cold person

who doesn't know how to love anyone.

Um...

You are not cold.

You are definitely not cold.

You're warm and cozy like this blanket.

And you're all bundled. Bundled up and...

If I didn't do things

that hurt him, everything would be fine.

- Oh God. - Everything hurt him.

Literally everything hurt him.

- What if he jumped? - He didn't jump.

He's gonna be on the news tonight just like he always is, okay?

I lied.

I gave another guy my number and then I lied about it.

I'd be really upset if he did that

but he would never do that.

Ally?

Yeah?

Why is there a phone in the freezer?

Yeah, it's my old phone.

I'm scared of people listening in.

You think the feds give a fuck

whether or not you're a soft summer or a true autumn?

I'm a dark winter.

No one's ever gonna love me that much ever again.

Let's focus on the positive here, okay?

Shall we?

- Let's refocus. - Yeah.

First...

You are about to get so freaking hot from this breakup.

So hot. Let's go. Let's go.

Okay? Like the worse the breakup, the hotter you get.

-Everyone knows that. -Everybody knows it.

And you already look good.

It's like very Indie sleaze.

I'm grotesque.

-Thank you period. -Don't.

Sorry.

I regret it.

I fucked up. I really fucked up.

No, you... No. You didn't fuck up.

I'm a hypocrite. All he ever wanted was reassurance

and the only reason I didn't need that from him

was because he constantly gave it.

Nope.

I miss him. I need him.

No, I'm running out of ways to say no here.

He was so hot.

-He... -He was hot.

Oh, um...

I was just motioning for you to pass my vape.

It's on your side of the bed.

Thanks.

Um, that's mine.

We're sorry.

You've reached a number that's been disconnected or...

Tonight, with a new edition of the evening news.

I am incredibly excited today for several reasons.

And a little tired of living through so many

unprecedented events.

But alas, I leave the viewers tonight...

I love you, Jenny.

What the fuck?