Original subtitles

Bad Teacher

Alright folks, can we all settle down for a second?

Oops!! I know that you... hey you settle down.

C'mon everybody settle down

Sandy... c'mon... now now guys its is not a time to make silly jokes...

its a time for a little bit of talking before we really get to the important part.

Here we go, well its been another great year here at JAMS.

Who can forget Mr. Pinkus's haunted classroom.

Thank you Sandy, for that.

And I ain't afraid of no ghosts.

Or the wild success of

the book drive for womens prison which Mrs. Pathacheks class sponsored.

Thank u Beth, but as summer droves upon us, its time not only to say goodbye to another school year

but sadly also to say goodbye to one of our faculty members.

Yes, Elizabeth... is Elizabeth Halsey here? There she is...

Elizabeth can you come on up here? Yes that�s appropriate applause, I think.

Elizabeth, even though you are only with us for one short year...

Please know that we will always consider you part of the JAMS family.

And we got you a little something.

Oh!! Thank you.

Wow... almost $40, thank you.

You're very welcome, speech??

Ok well, I'm really terrible at this types of thing so, I'll make it quick.

Ah, I know I've only been here a year, but there's so much I will miss.

My students, probably most.

And I wish that I had gotten to know all of you better.

But, between four classes and planning a wedding my plate was full

still, I know that our students are in good hands.

And even though I'll never teach again professionally.

I've realised that I don't need a blackboard or a classroom to set an example.

Adios, bitches!!

Baby doll... I'm home.

In here...

Get yourself hot coz I'm gonna suck your dick like I'm mad at it.

Oh! Look, your moms here. Hi Mom, what a fun surprise.

Suitcases, honey are we going on a trip?

Aah... Elizabeth, we need to talk. Sure.

I'm starting to think that maybe we need to take a break.

Forever...

-Mom!! Tell her what the accountant said. -Mom!

Steven said that you spend $16,000 last month.

He thinks you're bad news. I know women like you.

Damn it Mom! I told you I could handle this. I just want to ask her something.

You truly love my son? I love him so much it hurts.

Alright then, when is his birthday? Mom...

I'm not... you know... that is just offensive that you would even ask me that.

It's today...

I know... That�s why I got you this okay

honey, happy birthday

Austin Market?

Okay fine, I'll sign the prenup.

It's over, Elizabeth.

Mark, I'm pregnant.

- Bullshit. - No you're not.

Okay fine, I'm not actually pregnant.

You know what, I'm starting to wonder...

whether this is always been about the money. You never loved me.

I don't love you?

I have been listening to you whining about opera for the last year.

Okay, If the younger generation doesn't get into opera then guess what? No more opera!

An art form just has died.

If opera goes away, we're fucked.

I want my ring back.

What am I supposed to do? Huh? Where am I supposed to go?

3 MONTHS LATER

There she is, Elizabeth Halsey. Wooooo...

I am so excited we're gonna be across-the-hall mates.

But I'm so sad..it's because your relationship ended.

Who are you again? Amy Squirrel.

Squirrel? Yeah, you know.

Don't worry, you were... kind of a long bolf last year and so... busy planning the... wedding

I found him in bed with somebody else. Oh my Gosh.

He was with another man. Shut the front door!

Look..I know you kinda skated by last year doing the bare minimum thing

but I just wanna say, now you're back, I just know you are gonna get your teaching on

I thought the teachers were supposed to get the apples

well, I think the students teach me at least as much as I teach them.

That's just something I say sometimes. Stupid.

Uh sorry..I just wanted to know if you wanted to grab some lunch

I'm kind of in the middle of something, Lynn. My treat.

You know, Lynn when I first started teaching

I thought that I was doing it for all the right reasons.

Shorter hours, summers off, no account credibility...

oh, I love my summers... fresh corn... mmmm

from now on, my full time job is finding a guy who's gonna take care of me

God I pray for that.

You know I spent my entire summer hanging out at bars near where the Bulls practice.

Had some fun, got some cool souvenirs But those guys are not looking to settle down

I mean.. they all wear condoms..then, they take the condoms with them, that�s how paranoid they are

like its so easy to get pregnant from some dude nutting into a condom

yeaa...ugh!! you're gonna find someone great Right?

I've been thinking about it a lot, I'm like an 8, 8 and a half..but if I got a new pair of tits.. right?

You!!..don't wanna do that, you're already so pretty.

You have no idea how difficult it is to compete against these Barbie doll types

yea..that's true, we're not getting any younger yea..we should finish up.

Wally's got that big orientation in the auditorium.

Yea, I'm not gonna hear that. Oh... it's mandatory.

I'll probably won't go either.

Huh... no I might, I probably going to sit in the back, maybe leave early

maybe stay the end half... play by Yer or just stay the end.

Okay... oh!! this was fun, huh?

Welcome to Air 7th Grade Social Studies I'll be your captain, Miss Squirrel.

Crews announce tour for the world geography through current events, we may have a way over in civics, so buckle up

cause its gonna be a crazy ride.

The photographer who was like... so nice he made me feel like really really comfortable

I might get flown to Kansas City for their Fashion Week

Kansas City. Stalk much?

Bhuhhrr!! Loser...

Hi, I'm Sasha Abernathy, My mother baked this cookies for you..

Just leave them on the desk...

You need something?

Anyone seen Stand and Deliver? Show hands...

...you kidding me? Edward James Olmos?

Lew Diamond Phillips?

Well, alright... you... and you grab the TV and roll it up front

we're watching a movie on the first day? I think its awesome.

You rock!

These cookies suck

incoming...

Elizabeth Hey, Russell

Russell Gettis, gym teacher We did busted together last spring.

Yea. So, I heard about the whole engagement thing... that blows.

Know I walked in on him trying to fuck his dog? Peanut butter everywhere

that�s gross... anyway...

hey, uh.. may be too soon, but you wanna like..grab a bite or something sometime

you still a gym teacher? I am, yea

then No

I don't date coworkers. I wont tell anyone

I also said no... Okay cool, well its been awesome

something's got a case of a sleepyss.

What? Did you see the col-saw of education?

Yea, one kid ...hit the other kid with some col-saw...

You weren�t at the orientation the other day.. okay!

Boy, Elizabeth... You missed a boat load of stuff

anyways, at the orientation I suggested a new system for supervising lunch

it's a quadrant system

I tell you what... why don't you just send me memo and if I have any questions, I'll find you.

Oh! Ooh! Yeah Meant to ask...

Did I hear you were showing a movie this morning on the first day of school?

How do I know what you heard?

Listen, I don't wanna tell you how to run your class but...

Maybe it might be fun to try some icebreakers...

Like telephone charades, or this string game...

Are we gonna have a problem, me and you?

No, eli... if I gave you that impression well... ah!... I'm so sorry

because... actually I was really hoping we could be more than just across the hall mates

I don't know what you heard but I don't need muff pie(vagina)

No, of course not I don't even know what that is... I...

Just meant friends. Tell you what, friend... I've gotta get going, cover me

Elizabeth, lunch isn�t for another seven... minutes...

who�s gonna watch your quadrant?

Hi, there... you look like Losty MC Losterson...

I know right? Can you tell me where room 107 is?

I'll take you there. Oh. You don't have to do that.

Oh! Stop it, be my pleasure.

Scott Delacorte. Elizabeth Halsey.

I am the new sub. Welcome welcome.

Thank you. - Is that Jaeger-LeCoultre?

Good eye

thanks, I love men's watches, its kind of a hobby

you know sometimes I get self-conscious about it but...

My grandfather made it, so... Oh your grandfather designs watches?

The family business, yea my mothers maiden name is lecoultre

shut up! So did you and your wife just moved to town? I'm not married

I actually just got out of a relationship. Catherine

its been a year, she's still the wallpaper on my phone

she has such a big heart. Looks like enormous.

As you can see the weight is evenly distributed and there is minimal scar...

Dr. Vogel, best hands in Chicago.

May I? Absolutely, take em' for a spin

God! Wow! Yea... these are amazing. Thank you.

And the nipples... oh... I know

I'll take two

the total is $9300 for the surgery, plus one night stay at our facility.

How would you like to pay?

That�s absurd... I'm a teacher not a drug dealer.

We accept all major credit cards. Yeah well... my credit situation is little... complicated

I'm sorry, but if you cant pay, then I can't schedule the appointment

I'm rooming with a guy I met on craigslist all I'm asking you for is 10,000 dollars

you owe me for breaking off the engagement you know how humiliating that was?

Lover... lover look, I don't wanna fight... Its only $ 10,000... it would mean the world to me.

Lover... are you there?!!

Fucking troll. Did you call my name?

No, I said fucking troll. Oh, I thought you said Kirk.

Do you have 10 grand? Nope.

And also I might be a little short on rent this month, like a lot short.

This might help. Wanna get wasted? Uh... Yea...

Cool, see ya.

We are in a state of emergency, and my word is law There is only one boss in this place, and that's me.

The HNIC.

Alright... We'll pick this up again tomorrow.

Can I help you?

What? I am the student leader for the trip to Springfield.

Shocker! We're having our car wash this weekend.

If you're around, maybe we could wash your car.

The Springfield trip is the best part of 7th grade...

last year's car wash raised 6000 dollars

bringing these magazines to school is not the way you are going to make friends, those 8th Grade boys...

Are just using you

so I go now? Yes, you go now.

But if I see these again, I'm gonna call your parents.

Do you understand?

Go to class.

Hey hey... Hey!! go to class.

Another exciting day in the Principal's office.

Do you have a second?

Uhh yeah. Oh! You know what I wanna talk to you too, did I hear that right, that you were showing movies all last week?

Hmm... some clips, maybe.

But you know in a lot of ways I think that movies are the new books.

Is this new? I love it.

You know, I've always said that dolphins are the humans of the sea

I have a bumper sticker that says that. No way?

I'm not kidding. It's on my car.

Come on...

Hold on a sec...

His name is Simon and he lives in the Cayman Islands...

With his brother, Ajack.

What a great story. What did you wanna talk about?

I was thinking that I wanna get more involved.

You know... I don't know... Something like... maybe... Supervising the 7th grade car wash.

Uhh, you know Amy has been running after like... two years. Yea, but she does so much already.

It might be nice to give her a little rest.

It's so nice to see you becoming a real member of the JAMS family.

It just feels so good to help.

Holy shit! Alright, let's do this.

Hey, Mr. Delacorte, yes!

Hey, kids. Hey...

Hey, You better not take it for a joyride.

- Are you sure? - I'm watching you.

Miss Halsey... I'm impressed. Thanks, I've been working out.

What a turn out. Oh yeah, the kids are just having a blast.

Well, that's what it's all about.

God, you know we should go get a drink tonight I feel like getting drunk

I mean not "drunk" drunk, strong buzz still be able to drive.

I'm sorry... I can't get em'... just not ready but if you're patient...

I think I might be worth your while.

- You're worth the wait. - I think so too

Wally, it's Amy Squirrel. Amy? What are you do...? Get out of here!

This will just take a sec...

Umm... I happen to be pedaling past the 7th Grade car wash this Saturday.

- Kill it! Can we talk about this later? - Later we'll all die said the gator to the fly.

Fuck!! What? Just go.

Now, I don't want to speak out of school but... from where I was sitting, I think...

It seem like Miss Halsey was getting pretty chummy with the money.

Are you accusing Elizabeth of embezzling from the 7th grade car wash?

Wally... we barely know anything about her. Hey, you know what they raised almost $7000.

So whatever she did, worked. Lee Mathews dad called, he said the car wash was a raging success.

And Lauren Lisman's dad called and he said we should have car wash every weekend.

So instead of accusing her, you might wanna ask her for some pointers.

Well if those pointers include wearing provocative beach wear...

...for money, I think I'll pass.

This is ridiculous, this is the one place in this building where I'm allowed to be alone with my thoughts

I only had this once a day... If I'm lucky.

Next time you accuse one of my teachers of stealing, you better have some evidence.

God damn it! We are done here.

Alrighty, have a super awesome day, you two.

Holy fuck! I thought she was never gonna leave.

What's going on with you? Need a tissue? Huh?

She is such a phony. Yeah, major phony.

But she also cares a lot too.

I love how his eyes sparkle when he smiles. I wanna sit on his face.

Hey, guys. Heyy.

Lynn, will you go grab me some milk? What kind of milk do you want?

The skim, whole, 2%, chocolate?

Surprise me. Okay, I'll get you skim, no 2%...

So... Holla, fellow educators...

Is everything okay with Gaby? She will be fine.

I told her, Gaby if you're not happy with yourself, you cant expect others to be happy with you.

It starts with you. I'm sure she appreciated that.

And it's exactly what I told Elizabeth when she told me about this upcoming fake breasts job.

Sorry... sorry I thought you were telling everyone.

Did you?

Well I'm pro-choice, I believe everyone should choose whatever makes them happiest..

Except abortion, of course.

Of course. Of course.

Looks like algebra is calling. I hate math. Wish me luck.

Hi, I'm a math terrorist with close ties to algebra

I have weapons of maths instruction.

Here, I'll walk you. Man..Everyone is so nice around here.

Of course, hey watch my quadrant!

Here you go... 1%... Surprise!

Hi, my name is Elizabeth Halsey. Any questions?

Hi, I'm Sashas mother.

I am a little concerned at the importance you're placing on movies.

I was just wondering whats your plans were for the state test?

Listen, the school hired me because... i'm amazing at what I do

I used movies as one of my tools

but I also use a variety of other multimedia techniques.

Listen, I could take you day by day through my entire syllabus, but that's not just how I do things.

So "if I play it" as the Jews say.

Please, help yourself to some delicious snacks and drinks in the back.

Class dismissed. Excuse me, Miss Halsey.

Hi, I'm Morgans dad.

Morgan.

Great kid, so pre-cautious. I just wish Morgan's grades were reflected.

If I know Morgan, and I think I do. Ah!... Morgan will get there.

Listen, I'm sure you have full paid along with a rocking hot body.

But if you could just keep an eye on Morgan? My wife and I would really appreciate it.

For supplies and whatever.

Supplies?? You're Chase's parents?

You know a student like Chase would benefit so much from some extra attention?

So you think we should hire a tutor?

You know I'd be happy to do it myself, but its just so hard with a class of 20..

25 or 30, whatever. To be a teacher?

God, it is so hard on my salary to have to pay for my own supplies

and my fiance, he cheated on me with his sister

as your personal tutor, I guarantee personally that she will get an A.

Or your money back.

Say no more.

Make it out to cash.

Amy, hi. Hi, I got you something.

What? You don't have to do that. It's nothing, its my favorite book.

Eat, Pray, Love? This is my favourite book too.

What's your favourite part? Love.

What do you want? Is that marijuana?

No, it's medical marijuana.

I have a prescription and everything.

And I'm not gonna tell you why because, it's between me and my doctor.

Oh... ok... well feel better.

Thanks.

My mom and I made some holiday cookies.

Those oatmeal rasin again? Gingerbread.

Let have it.

Watch the bowl.

Do you have anything to drink?

Listen, word to the wise.

Stop dressing like you're running for congress

I don't wanna run for congress. I wanna be President.

See, that's what I'm talking about. Keep saying shit like that you're gonna get punched.

You really wanna be a President or is that something your parents want?

Look you don't have to decide right now.

Then who knows one day you wake up you decide you want to be a missus.

Salary plus tips.

Think about it.

If I think about it, Will I get extra credit?

Hopeless.

This is indeed a winter wonderland.

Wanna get high? Yeaaah.

Give me a nug... I'll go smoke it in my car.

Wow... No, I meant Do you wanna get high with me?

Hey, they don't make songs like this anymore, right?

You know that�s not actually true Scott??

I'm writing a song right now called 855-8241777.

Extension 777.

So you guys having an awesome time?

Yes, Oh my God! I love to dance, I could dance all night.

Hey can we go somewhere and talk?

I'll totally go for a talk right now.

What's up? Okay... whoo

I do not know how to say this. I'm a kind of nervous.

Feels it's all happening so quickly.

You can tell me anything Scott, you're one of my best friends

I'm crushing on someone

I think you're pretty great too. Thanks. It's Amy.

No running in the hall!

Kids.

She's been amazing helping me do with my breakup.

Yeah, I don't know her that well I know all the other teachers really hate her fucking guts

But I stay above all that stuff.

Can I be honest with you? Of course.

It's nothing personal, but...

I don't think that you're Amy's type.

Really? Yea.

She seem so... I don't know... sympathy-co.

Trust me She's only using you for your money.

What?

Well I feel stupid. No, Scott... Scott.

Look at me. I'm gonna get my breasts enlarged in a couple of months...

And when I recover from my surgery...

you and I are gonna go out and we are gonna find awesome people for each other.

That sounds nice.

You're out of your mind.

There is no one in the LeBron who'll ever be Jordan. Nobody will ever be Jordan... okay?

Ok, Lebron is a better re-bounder and passer.

Will you let me finish? Can?... Can you let me finish?

Call me when Lebron has six championships. That's the only argument?

It's the only argument I need, Shawn!!

Let's get baked.

Goods... we're gonna go get some baked goods.

You got this?

Just try it... try it! Just... please stop pressuring her.

How does she know she doesn't like it if she has never tried it before?

You know, we should probably be getting back. Just fuckin do it... weed is awesome.

Hold it in. - Just blow it out Hold it in. - Blow it out.

Okay... Lynn, I'm gonna take this.

I'm gonna go find a hot dog.

Well, that's definitely impressive. Like you can do better?

Really? You sure you wanna do this? Yea, gym teacher.

You understand this is what I do? - Yea I got it - Like for a living.

You have no upper body strength. Yes, I do...

Just not in my arms or my chest.

Well I have cat like reflexes accept for it.

So, all this is mine, by the way As far as the eye can see.

Really love with what you've done with the place.

Ya if you notice the nets, that's a brand new nets I had installed.

This is original wood.

See those championship banners?

When I first came to the school, they weren�t here.

They were over there, I have moved over there.

So.. Russell, what has to go wrong in someone's life for them to end up being a middle school gym teacher?

Well ah.. granted it wasn't the original plan As a young boy I wanted to be a professor...

...of physical education.

At Harvard, but...

I don't know... I like it here.

What wend so wrong in your life that you ended up educating children?

I don't know. Maybe I was a bad person in an other life.

We should like... go have a drink... sometime... together.

Like over winter break.

Naah.. got something going. Can I say something for the record?

Fine. It's about... your... ttt.

The big fake titties Are you really gonna do that?

Why would you do that? Your tits are fine.

I like your tits... Ask my roommate.

Seriously?

Seriously?

Come on.

Seriously?

Hey... Why are they closed? It's Christmas?

Whatever... Hey you got a lighter?

Miss Halsey, its me Garette from school. It's Garrett. Having a nice Christmas?

Aces...

Ahh!! What are you doing rest of day you gonna see your family?

Ahh... Yeah I'm gonna go see some people We're having like a big..pot luck so...

Miss Halsey? Would you like to come and spend Christmas with us?

That we remembered Have we ever forget.. What is that?? haaha.

Guys, I'm really sorry I have to eat and run I gotta head over to the shelters so..

Awww... The shelter, Ah, that�s so inspiring.

Yeah, I really love helping bums.

But you'd have to wait for dessert we have a real treat.

Garrett, why don't you run and get some of your new poetry... - I don't want to hear it

God... I'm so embarrassed. Don't be shy, marbles.

This is called the The Chase by Garrett Tiara.

XOXO, my love for you is XOXO.

About her smile that I would walk a mile for.

About her personality that makes me see the best in me.

One glance, one dance because together we can achieve...balance.

Thank you.

I loved it and I usually hate poetry.

Oh Philip, hate on Christmas? Oops... Sorry, Santa.

Sorry, Jesus.

Umm... why don't you two give me a hand with dessert? And we can let these two... discuss.

Fuck!

So, the poem's about that girl? Yea, Chase.

I could just talk to her and tell her how I feel

I knew she'd understand.

Listen, that�s not gonna happen, buddy

I was that hot girl, hotter... even and I would never have gone out with you.

And I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm saying that to be helpful.

What do you know? You don't even know our names

I'll tell you what I know... a kid who wears the same gymnastic sweat shirt 3 days a week...

isn't getting laid until he's 29 that's what I know...

Sweat shirt was my dad's. That�s all he left me... when he left me.

There's a reason... he didn't pack it.

Just saying.

Welcome to the number one New Year's Eve Party in the entire world.

This is literally the biggest party... Aren't you going out with the other nurses?

I'm not a nurse.

I thought you were a nurse.

I am a teacher.

Hey Welcome back.

Many of us are going out tonight to see Period 5 play, Do you wanna come?

Period 5? Yeah the teacher band.

I already got shot on the face.

So, are you guys coming to the palace tonight? My band's gonna do few songs...

You are in Period 5?

You're looking at the new rhythm guitarist and backup vocalist.

Should be fun. Should be amazing. Lynn you wanna come?

Yes... yes.

Like you guys... You should go talk to someone, Lynn.

I'm fine... here.

Come on Lynn, you need to loosen up and live a little. When's the last time you had a good dicking?

A good dicking? Go talk to those guys over there.

With the cowboy hats? Yea.

Come on. You come on...

Go talk to them. What am I gonna talk about?

It doesn�t matter.

You go... you start with one of em' and you start talking to the other one...and then you go back to the first one

but still be touching the other one and then you just choose... Text book.

Yea, from the world's weirdest text book.

Lemme finish my drink. - Now Lynn!! -Second.

Now... Go! I like it here.

It is really fun over here. Lynn, get your ass over to those cowboys.

Oooo... well... Glad I wore my fun underwear.

So, call me crazy, but this might be the best Period 5 show of all time.

What are you doing here, anyway?

I thought it was poetry slam night.

I was gonna get drunk and mock them. Sounds fun, actually

I'll let you know, next time I go. Not that fun.

Okay..just so you know... That shit does not face me at all

I'm like the fuckin Terminator dude. I'm just gonna keep coming after you.

Just so we're clear.

Good luck with that.

Oh Shit!! Check it out.

I'll be damned.

That shit worked!

Super fast.

Wow, thank you guys for coming out What a turnout, right? Umm...

I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank the guys from Period 5 for letting me join the band and.

Also I have an original song.

It is my first cracket song writing so... be kind.

And it goes out to someone very special.

There was a girl I met sometime ago.

Sympathy-co She helped me heal, she helped me grow.

Sympathy-co how do you know and you know and again you just know.

Sympathy-co.

Sympathy-co Exotico.

Erotico.

You're my narcotic, Ohhh...

Ask me how much I feel I'll say... a lot-a-co...

We can never in the world be too much...

before I met you...

fuck!

Is it me? I mean there's something wrong with me? I don't think so.

I mean, sometimes you talk to people and... Thank you.

Forget him, at least now you can stop worrying about him and be the best teacher you can be..

Who knows... maybe you'll win the bonus.

What bonus? For the state test.

Which ever teacher has the highest scoring class gets a bonus. Amy wins every year.

How much? $ 5700.

Son of a bitch... 5700. Yea... Goddamn it! Lynn.

You never tell me anything. Yea...

Come on. C'mon c'mon c'mon...

Let's go, We had a lot to go over. Everybody sit down, come on..

Where is the TV? Now everybody open your "To kill a mockingbird" to page 1.

Good, now...

Who can tell me why Jem cries when the hole in the tree is filled with cement?

Because he's a crybaby?

Get out!

We're here to learn.

Anybody else have a problem with that?

Good Now who has the answer to my question?

Nobody's read this book?

It's on the syllabus. Well... You never assign it to us.

Well now... I am.

And we have a quiz tomorrow. What?!!

On the first 100 pages.

You can't do that I have band and jazz band tonight.

We haven't had homework all year

o.

Things are about to change around here.

Recess is over.

Because bird symbolize freedom?

Good. Good okay...

Is anyone have anything to add to what that girl just said?

So, what are the limitations of having Scott as the narrator?

You, Chapz.

Because he... EEEH!!

Don't flinch... seriously... You and you... hold his arms down.

Next question.

Because Atticus is always the voice of reason and justice?

Correct... here.

Nothing in the face.

Woooh!! Wait!!

Miss Halsey... really? Wow!!

I never... We're in the middle of a lesson.

Twilight, look at me.

What do we talk about in class?

Your weight should be evenly distributed You have to throw off the back foot.

Don't throw at her Throw through her.

Hit her! Hit her!

Nail her!

This is so funny, cause I love raisins and he hates raisins.

Ying and Yang.

You guys are so cute. So cute?

It's like... too cute almost.

Last week when we went for a drive.

We had no idea where we were going, We left the maps at home...

What!! No way... It was fine. I have a GPS navy system.

Oh, Thank God. And we discovered this new Ethiopian restaurant.

They finally got their own cuisine Progress...

Your shirt's misbuttoned Her shirt is misbuttoned.

Thank you Amy, for pointing that out. You're so welcome.

Gosh! Its been such a mess this week. You know, Just working myself to the bone.

Yeah, its been quite a change. Well I think it's great.

I just love people who are so passionate about what they do... it's so inspirational.

Thanks. Yea you know, some teachers just sail by doing that bare minimum thing...

I don't know, it's just not me...

It's good to know there's still some actual educators out there.

What else, Sasha? I think I've told you everything.

Anyone know where Danny Morebox is? Any more movies in class?

No, we're actually learning. Hey do you know Animal Farm isn't even really about animals?

Animal Farm? Sasha, that's not even on the syllabus.

Yeah, I know you're forgetting something.

One extra credit on your diagram, want or not? I do I want it.

Okay, okay think. Let me think.

Well there was... Never mind. What?

Well it was okay... it was medicinal.

And if she claims it's medicinal, I would demand to see a prescription.

That's what I would do if I were you, Wally.

Do you have any proof other than what one student thought she saw?

Well this one student is in line to be editor of The Daily Musket next year.

She's got a lot to loose going public with this.

If the Teacher's Union found out that I was administering a drug test to a teacher with this little proof...

They would make my life a living hell, Amy...

So, you're just gonna let her walk free?

That's it!

Amy, Stop that Stop it!

Sorry.

Sorry. Sit down.

Amy, Do you see this beautiful little glass dolphin figurine?

Mmmm... Look at it.

Yeah. Look at it.

Looking at it! Elizabeth gave this to me.

She is a thoughtful young woman and she is teaching for all the right reasons.

Wally!!! Can't you see? She is manipulating you through the use of dolphins?

No, what I see is that you are getting worked up And what I would hate to see...

is for you to get overwhelmed...

like you did in 2008.

Gotcha! Thanks Wally, for bringing that up.

For I'm all about that.

Do not do that with your mouth.

Regular mouth.

"Atticus Finch is a good lawyer because he is a good person...

who's a lawyer."

Stupid point, misspelled.

"Stupider"

Is this English?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Pathetic. This is why the Japs are overtaking us.

And believe me I don't mean you.

But, we're working really hard.

You're not working hard enough. I need results.

Class dismissed.

OFFICIAL PRACTICE TEST MANUAL

I need that test!

Good afternoon, Illinois standard student test How may I direct your call?

Hi, my name is Marjarie Goodman and I'm calling from the Chicago Tribune.

Who could I speak to regarding the allegations of racial bias on your standardized tests?

Please hold..

Marjarie?

You must be Carl?

Thank you for meeting me on such short notice. Of course. Sure..

Did you find the boys okay? Was it a good drive? - Great drive.

Listen Carl, I know that you are a very busy man So, I'm just gonna get right down to it

I've been speaking to various... ah... black... citizens... who

...alleged that your test are biased towards white people and orientals.

Okay... lemme tell you something right away A: Orientals tests better...

B: Every couple of years we get these cockamamie charges coming in from various parts of the state.

Lemme dat daa... Usually here, the things that they call me.

Racist, faggotron, faggy Hitler, dick breath... Okay...?

But I am not racist. I voted for Obama, you can quote me on that in your article.

You know what I think would help... Carl...?

For me to see one of this year's tests.

Oh! Sure, I can get you one easy No problem.

Great... great!

Umm... The day after the schools administers them, I will shoot one right over to you.

I was hoping to see it sooner. I'm on a bit of a deadline.

No, no... that is absolutely classified Unless, unless you have one of these bad boys, right here.

Wow! You know Carl... Enough business for one night, don't you think?

Oh... oh tell me bout that... I think I'm gonna have another drink before I hit the road.

...It's like the freedom and the wind in your hair obviously the image... you don't wanna...

But then there were others like... just... Like hopeless or scary... so I... count me out.

But you seem like such a wild man Carl...

What turns you on Carl?

Eh..Everything. You wanna know what turns me on?

Sex in an office.

Getting fucked really hard against a wooden desk.

Mine's metal. Even better.

And voila. So...

This is the desk.

Do you have anything to drink?

Uh Uhh!! Yes I do!

Voila.

White wine in the office? Bad Boy...

Do you have any music Carl? I have the Internet radio.

I love Internet radio.

You. Ve... come to... the right place.

Cause I have that.

See, I am not a wiz' at this computer here.

Umm... it's relatively new and Grace who is ah... Work with me on Mondays and Wednesdays and Thursday and...

I share her with Greg across the way Greg across is actually the guy who got me into spinning.

Oh, there we go.

Shall we toast?

To new friends And new lovers

I'm gonna take off my shoes, is that okay? Whatever man. I'm gonna go hit the ladies room.

Okay... There's a handicapped one... which is way closer use the handicapped one, its way closer

I took off my shoes? Oh Carl...

I wanna fuck you baa-side desk

I wanna fuck you against the desk

Carl..I'm gonna need you to pass the fuck out.

Marji... I am going to rock your vagina.

Ohh... The wine is good.

Hello titties...

ONE MONTH LATER

If anyone has any information regarding the missing Anne wig...

please... let me know ASAP.

Come on, guys. There's a wig missing.

Because if that wig isn�t found

you can bet your bottom dollar the sun will not come out tomorrow.

Back to you, Wally.

Ahh... Okay thank you, Amy. I'm sure everybody wants to get home so I'm gonna be quick.

Four scores, seven years ago.

That's a... Goddamn it! Sandy...

Sandy's so funny.

Huh... I have here I have here the results of the state exam.

And I'm happy to announce that the... John Adams Middle School, that's us...

Scored in the top 5% of the whole state.

Nice... Good job, guys...

And I wanna single out I wanna single out one of our own.

Who show that with hard work and dedication...

One teacher can make a difference.

And this teacher is now $ 5700 richer.

With the highest scores in cook-county That's the whole county

I want everyone to give a big round of applause.

To Elizabeth Halsey.

Well done. Thank you.

Congratulations, Miss. Halsey.

Thanks dude.

Well if it isn't Professor Smarty pants? Don't mess with me, I'm a lot stronger than I look.

Elizabeth, I am so proud of you.

I mean if someone told me at the beginning of the year that you... 'you'... will get the bonus...

Won't have had to say to whom ever it was "No way"... "Absolutely not" and...

Now, here we are...

We should go out and celebrate. Your treat?

Yea, unfortunately Elizabeth, Scott and I have to go over the itinerary for the Springfield trip.

We're the chaperones we're going together.

We're dating... so... It'll also be romantic.

Have fun. Yea, You're not seeing anyone now, right?

Almost... done...

Okay... so that's endorsed And put the rest on these.

Just put it. Alrighty.

Okay.

"Ms. Squirrel says reading is fun"

"Learning is Fun-tastic"

Who did this?

Aww... Come on. Anyone wants extra sticker on their wall star board?

What brings you here? Mr. Apple.

What was that, Mr. Apple?

You want me to take a bite?

Alrighty roo...

Elizabeth, I just want to thank you again for stepping in today, you really saved us here.

No problem. Is Amy gonna be okay?

Yea, Amy's gonna be fine. Well, let her know she's in my prayers.

Someone's calling my name.

I dare you. I'm not afraid of your dare, Fabrigo.

That's really dangerous, Russell

I'll call you from the hotel. Bye, Amy.

Yea, she's sitting right next to me. No.

Thanks for calling again

Amy says "hi" Well she sure calls a lot.

So, are you excited about your surgery?

I've never been more excited about anything.

It's a pretty inspiring message to the kids.

We should never stop working on ourselves.

Like you, with your little boobs or me experimenting with ethnic food.

Gosh!! I never loose my keys.

Such a dingaling.

What's wrong with your face? What is wrong with your face?

Hey... I'm Just trying to make conversation.

We're all done. Super, thanks a bunchames

I knew it.

Well that is definitely Marjarie, only with kind of weird hair here In real life she's actually very pretty.

She in some kind of trouble? Marjarie? I think you're the one who might be in some kind of trouble.

Did you or did you not give her a copy of the state test?

No, no... no absolutely not, no I...

I did give her some quotes for her article.

What article? Her article for the Tribune. She's a reporter there, right?

Test tampering? At JAMS?

This time I have a witness and like I said Wally, she stole the Anne wig.

We're dealing with a criminal mastermind.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news Wall...

You know... how much we all love her.

Okay, well... You know I have to call the superintendor.

We're gonna have to cross check her entire class's scores.

This is a real shit sandwich!

Course, you know what scares me the most, Wall?

This is just what we know, right?

Who knows what else she's capable of?

So awful.

Fruit Roll-Up?

You know, when President Lincoln abolish slavery...

It was not a popular opinion.

- Hmmm. - I just hate slavery so so much.

Slavery's the worst.

If I could go back in time and undo slavery? I would.

I hate it.

I hate it.

Hey, I'm sorry to interrupt you guys, but... I couldn't help it over hear your conversations.

Can I tell you guys what I hate?

Sharks. Well sharks can tear families apart.

But they're also so majestic. They are beautiful creatures.

But they're also so ferocious. So ferocious.

One of nature's cruel joke I guess...

Thank you, Elizabeth, for listening.

Scott, I want you to know You can talk to me about anything.

Your jeans feels so good against my jeans.

Totally. Hey, your body feels so good.

Oh, I need some water.

Oh I'm drying' the shit out of you. Oh Dry Fuck the fuck outta me, Scott.

Just stop talking.

I'm close. Don't move.

Here I go... Almost.

Wait for it.

Really close.. Ready? Mmmm... Yea.

Just stop talking.

Almost there.

That was great. More like amazing.

Well, I'm gonna get going I don't want the kids to see me leaving your room - Yea.

You're so symphaty-co.

Maybe next time we can dry hump without our clothes on.

I'm pretty sure I'd like that.

Even your forehead is sexy.

Oh, time for bed.

All right then. See you in the maniano

Elizabeth, don't let the bed bugs bite

I was just going over some stuff for tomorrow.

Yeah, cool...

I'm serious. Okay.

Cheers.

They forgot to re-stuffed my minibar. How's yours lookin'?

You know, I'm super tired I'm just getin' in the sack

I'll see you tomorrow then. Good night.

And 17.

Oh, hold on. Shelly... Ooo Shelly, someone's got a message.

Ah! Dry humpin' the shit out of you. Yeah, Dry Fuck the fuck outta me, Scott.

I wasn't always president. Oh!! no!

I had many jobs when I lived here in New Salem.

My fave... My favorite job was, 'Splitting rails'.

Which is why they call me 'rail splitter'.

Anybody know... anybody know any of my other nick names??

"Honest Abe". Yes, obviously. Honest Abe.

That was the big one Honest Abe.

They always called me that because I said what was on my mind.

Even if it made me unpopular.

Remember, a great man always has the courage to say what is in his heart.

Yea?

I love Chase Rubin Rossy. Great.

Who would like to see Mary Tod churn butter? Churn butter?

I love you, Chase. I wanna yell it from the mountain tops.

And even though you pretty much stop talking to me in fifth grade... I don't care

I remember the Chase that wrote me a card.

When my dad was overweight and had to go to the hospital because of his heart.

And a year later, when he left my mom and moved in with his trainer...

You wrote me another card.

What happened to us?

Remember, in the second grade when we had a sleep over and you wet the bed?

And you were so embarrassed, and you made me promise never to tell anyone?

Well, I never have and I never will.

So there it is My heart honestly.

Don't let me leave. Oh! Please don't.

Always believe.

Gross...

Buuhhr! Loser.

Guys, c'mon settle down.

Okay... Let's see how Mary Tod's doing with that butter.

Okay... That's enough. We get it, you're crying.

She just laughed at me and called me 'gross'.

Yeah! Did you hear your speech? Come on lets go back. No.

No, I'm not going back. Come on.

Just leave me alone.

Get your ass back here.

We done running?

Ah? Everything okay in here? It's okay, I'm his teacher.

Oh Okay Take your time.

She's never gonna like me, is she?

Are we still on this? She's my everything.

Here is the deal man... I cannot keep sugar coating this for you.

This girl is never gonna be interested in you.

Never. You clearly have a... rich interior life with the poems and the whatever but...

She wants a guy like Ian.. What's his face? Ian Mentelbaum? The rapper?

He's an idiot. Yea, he's a fuckin' moron.

But she doesn't care.

She's superficial and her priorities are all fucked up.

She likes him because he's hot and popular dude. You...

are sensitive. Yes, thank you.

It's not a compliment.

You have some rough road ahead of you.

Seventh grade is not your moment. Yeah, eighth grade will be better.

Probably not. I think in college.

That's your window be ready.

...If I go back out there everyone's gonna laugh at me.

Maybe this will help. What are you doing?

I'm giving you a gift. Oh wow..

We are gonna change the new cycle.

Trust me on this.

I thought it would be heavier.

Don't be weird, and take this off never fucking wear it again, what are u, crazy?

Everything okay with Garrett? No, it's not

I found him hooking up with an eighth-grader from another school. She was jerking him off.

Yea, I'm gonna give him detention when we get back. That's probably a good idea.

Garrett Portman, I was a kid from an old boys school.

Yea, and he was wearing this. What?

Awesome. It's real...

It's a nice thing you did. I don't know what you're talking about?

Really? Cause I couldn't help but notice that you're not wearing a bra.

And those... Those kids are there playing with it.

Much people don't wear bras. Definitely. Much teachers.

Well if you must know, I was helping a student through a tough time

I'm going through such a tough time.

Can I have your panties? I'm not wearing any..

Amy, what are you doing here? Scott, talk to the hand.

Amy? I know...

Ev-ery-thing.

Carl Halabi. The state test.

The blasting disregard for the school syllabus.

And lets not forget.. The sleeping with my boyfriend

Scott, your phone accidentally called me last night

I can't believe you let her take advantage of you like that.

You are too trusting. I am. I didn't know what was happening

I hope you haven't spent that bonus check on anything because you're about to give it back.

And then some... jail time... Jail time!

Did you ever think that maybe... Save it doll face you can explain it all tomorrow to the principal.

And the superintendent.

When you got your meeting with the principal and the superintendent tomorrow... at the meeting...

I need you to go to this guy's office and scare the shit out of him.

Tell me my mission again.

Hand him the envelope. I'm gonna need a couple bucks for gas.

And a couple bucks for snacks.

Oh my God! Sir?

Oh my God, are you okay? I got fucked up my knee.

Easy Easy does it, easy...

You need an ambulance? Ambulance is not necessary.

I walking on. Walking on is number 1 worst thing you should probably do.

Please don't touch my mirror.

Please sir? What the ff?? What the fuck, who does that? I'm a friend of Marjorie's.

Oh! Friend of Marjorie? Well get then... Fuck you man.

Huh fuck you... fuck... You like that? Stop kicking it... You stop fucking kicking it.

Fuck your scooter and fuck Marjorie.

She drugged me and she stole from me... then she's going down.

Let me think.

Take it. And open up... open up.

Ya, not bad... for a camera phone Huh?? You can keep those too -Fuck!

And I was never here. You hear me? -Fuck.

Don't... Stop fucking with my car.

They're ready for you.

Learning is fun-tastic. - What did you say to me?

Desk?

Yea, I forgot that was there. Such a dick sometimes.

This is very very bad, Elizabeth. Incredibly very bad, Elizabeth

...and observe it Amy, you said you wouldn't speak.

Bring him in.

Mr. Halabi, thank you for your time. Most welcome.

I guess I should begin by saying that my statement from earlier in the week was not true.

What part of it, exactly?

All of it.. Pretty much

I've never seen this woman before in my life.

Baloney. You seem... very certain a couple of days ago?

I did, because... umm...

I'm a casual drug user.

That's my thing, and everybody knows it. so..

That explains me, making absolutely no sense.

Thank you.

You realise it... if we found out you're lying, You're gonna lose your job.

Plus jail time.

Yes I understand. I just don't want to see an innocent teacher get hurt.

Thank you, sir. I don't want to see anybody get hurt.

What the hell was that? So, there you go. I guess that explains everything.

Retest!! Retest! Retest!

Damn it! Squirrel... I am not going to have a repeat of 2008!

Sit your ass down!

A retest on? C'mon.

Do we really wanna tell our young people...

that if they study, sacrifice...

and achieve the highest scores in the state...

that they're rewarded with suspicion?

I don't!

I find these kind of accusations troubling.

And quite frankly, reckless.

I worked my ass off for this school.

And I know I am not perfect. But show me the perfect teacher.

You can't.

There are even teachers in this very school who use drugs.

They do, they do use drugs. - They do -They do -They do

Wally, do you remember how I told you, there are teachers here who use and abuse drugs?

God damn it! And I'm hearing about this now?

Where is it Axle? Where's it boy?

No, no, no that's my class. Axle's barking at the wrong tree there.

Ma'am! Please don't touch the dog. Your dog is mistaken.

We've got desk.. He's not gonna find anything in here.

Clean! Haa! I told you.

Maybe there's a false bottom.

That is not mine. This... ss thiszzz... This isn�t even my desk, it's hers!

Don't worry Amy... We'll get you the help you need.

You monster!!

Wow wooo woo wow Amy... Calm down, Amy. Fucking damn it! What the fuck!?

I stole her desk. You can check my urine.

Check it Check my urine.

Well its been another great year here at JAMS.

With summer round the corner, it's time to say goodbye not only to another school year...

But also to one of our own.

Amy Squirrel, after six short years, Amy is transferring out of the district.

Speech, speech. Well...

Aaah! Wally thank you for those kind words, and thank you all.

My decision that I made myself to leave was super difficult.

But when the superintendent personally ask you to work at one of the worst school in the state?

Well... you say 'YES'.

Boy, I am looking forward to bringing my brand of genie energy...

...to those under privilege students at Malcolm X high school.

Thank you.

Hey, Elizabeth..Listen, since Amy's transferring, maybe the two of us can start over.

Oh, hey there..Scott Delacorte. And you are? Leaving.

- Elizabeth? - Here.

- Sign my yearbook. - Hold my ball sack

I'll write my number down just in case you need a lift...

...after the surgery.

For second, an extra set of hands to make sure the implants are settling properly.

Thanks.

Hey, aah!..You're not gonna teach again next year, are you?

I don't know... It's the only thing I'm good at

I'm just saying maybe... to consider doing something else... like anything else.

Like any other job... in the entire world.

You know? The two of us... It's never gonna happen.

- Clearly? - How would that even work?

Where do you even live? In some weird apartment with some creepy roommate?

No, my creepy roommate moved out. So now its just... just me... and the dogs.

How many dogs do you have? Four.

Four dogs? Four Dobermans.

Any family money? Yea, you bet?

We're talking like three figures.. Almost 700 bucks.

So, basically, if I was gonna go out with you, I would be making the conscious choice...

...to be dating a Gym Teacher who lives in a shack with four dogs?

I prefer to think of it as two people with amazing bodies...

sharing those bodies with each other.

Giving each other the gift of these bodies.

Anyway, actually none of these really matters Umm... I sort of... started seeing somebody.

Really that's... Congratulations I didn't... I didn't realise that so...

- Those stupid... so... - I'm just fucking with you.

Guess I deserve that one..? Yea, you must certainly did

I think it's about time you realize, that the whole world's just...

See you around Gym teacher.

Hey... Let's do that again.

THREE MONTHS LATER.

Hey, Elizabeth. Hey Lynn, how was your summer?

Oh it was great. I went to the zoo almost every weekend.

Wow!! Sounds great.

Oh!... You didn't get your... Your titties...?

Yea... I thought about it, you know Cause I don't even need them.

Plus they're really expensive, you know..per tit. Yea, and you got to get two of them.

And I met a guy. Oh! Tell me everything.

Did you find your Prince Charming?

Something like that.

Hey, you wanna grab lunch later? Oh! Oh sure, yea, my treat.

Oh! You got it last time. We'll split it. -Oh! Okay yeah.

Hey, you in the cape You're up first. Let's go