Original subtitles

♫ (musical alarm clock) De colores...

De colores se visten

los campos en la primavera.

Corey!

♫ De colores...

(Alarm off)

Ow!

(snoring)

Corey! You gotta get up!

-You gotta get up!

No, c’mon you’re gonna be late.

-You’re gonna be late.

I called your mom.

-I called YOUR mom.

She’s gonna be here in a minute.

(mumbling)

- You never listen to me.

(Mumbling)

-Okay, I love you, I gotta go.

Get up!

I'm up!

-I'm up.

-I'm up!

More vibration.

-It’s hard to catch a fish.

Oh yeah, that's it...

-You must be using the computer too much.

You’re all in knots.

-Are you really blaming the computer?!

What is it?

-I’m sorry, but I can’t sleep on this crappy old futon anymore!

My sister gave birth to beautiful twins on this “crappy old futon!”

-I know, and you haven’t even washed out that nasty stain!

I can’t.

It looks too much like Jesus,

or Che Guevara...

I can’t decide which.

-Listen, I really appreciate that you love to collect odd shit...

whimsical collectibles...

-But clinging onto a futon mattress you’ve had since middle school?

That’s beyond nostalgic.

-Fine, we can get a new bed, but we’re not throwing him away.

…it.

Shhh!

Whatever- alright.

Hey, you know what?

I’m just gonna go by Drowzy’s tomorrow on my lunch break.

-I don’t get out of work ‘til 5:00.

Why don’t we go after work?

-No, you don’t need to go.

I know how you hate box stores.

It’s fine.

-Oh my god!

You are embarrassed to shop for a mattress with your husband,

Because our sexy, manly sexuality will be too much...

You’re being ridiculous!

I’m very comfortable with who I am...

I just prefer to come out on a need-to-know basis.

Yeah, well, I’m on a need-to-know what kind of mattress we’ll be sleeping on basis.

Fine.

Fine.

(sigh)

This is pretty nice!

Yeah, it’s pretty firm.

Oh, it’s a thousand dollars.

We are NOT making a baby on a cheap bed.

Oh god.

Woman: We’re looking for a comfy bed.

-Oh this one’s very comfy.

Oh, really?

-You wanna try it out?

Okay.

-Just kidding.

Some like it hard, some like it soft.

What do you prefer?

-Welcome to Drowzy’s, sir!

What can I help you find on this lovely evening?

Well I’m looking for a mattress,

but my, uh, significant other

half person isn’t here yet.

So maybe we should wait for...

them to get here first.

-Them?

Um.

-You player!

Let’s get you started on our smart bed.

What’s so smart about it?

-It’s high tech and user-friendly!

It analyzes your bed habits

and chooses the best mattress for you and your life style.

Life style?

Push the button.

(giggle) Good morning!

I’m here to help you find a mattress that’s juuust right.

Let’s get started.

Are you a male, female, or other?

You are a male.

Do you have a sleeping partner?

Your default sleeping partner is a female.

Smart Bed: Is this correct?

Woman: Excuse me, do you have water proof mattress pads?

-Of course, for the little one’s bed?

No.

We’re gonna need queen-sized.

-Through there, and against the wall.

Thank you.

YOU ARE A MALE CUSTOMER WITH A MALE SLEEPING PARTNER!

Awesome! What’s his name?

Who?

Your sleeping partner- what’s his name?

Uh Corey.

Corny?

COREY!

Ladies and gentleman, his sleeping partner’s name is Corey!

Have we got news for you!

Congratulations, Miss Thing!

You’re the first ho-mo-sexual customer at this franchise!

You will receive 25% off your purchase

when you complete your smart bed evaluation

and submit the e-mail addresses of all your

gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, questioning and sexually ambiguous friends.

Wow! Great deal.

-Hey, Bro-

What’s your body type as listed on your Manhunt profile?

What’s Manhunt?

-Oh, please.

Muscle queen, twink, troll, bear, cub, or otter?

What’s up with all the animals?

-I know, right?

The gay culture finds affinity with various archetypes-

most are woodland creatures.

- Oh, yeah, I heard that on NPR.

They’re so spiritual!

Woof!

- When you practice S&M are you dominant or submissive?

Where is the “not applicable” button?

Sorry there’s only two options.

You, are submissive and proud!

I could totally tell.

Wait, that’s not what I pushed!

The smart bed is very intuitive.

I had him pegged for a power-bottom.

Totally.

- Please assume spooning position with your sleeping partner.

But he’s not here yet.

Am I about the right size?

Not at all!

I mean, I don’t need a complete sleep analysis.

I just came here to buy a comfortable, affordable, normal bed.

Like this one. How much is this guy?

Well, we can make it more affordable with…

- A fifty percent discount when you complete your smart bed evaluation.

Is he your boyfriend’s size?

No.

Sorry, about that?

What about me?

(shakers, Latin Music)

Would you like a mint?

- No. I’m good.

Um.

So good.

Smartbed: Please mount smart bed.

What the hell are you doing?

-That’s my real sleeping partner!

Corey!! (applause)

Resume spooning position.

Let’s just do this please.

(Sexy music)

What is going on?

- Don’t ask questions. Just lay down.

Aw!

(strumming ukulele)

De colores, de colores

Se visten los campos en la primavera.

Y por eso los grandes amores

De muchos colores me gustan a mí.

De Cervantes, Miguel de Cervantes escribe en muchos libros.

Muchos libros.

Hay muchos libros in la biblioteca.

En la playa…

Hola!

Señorita would you like to pay your respects?

No?

Well that’s cold.

Alright, chilly con carne.

Vaya con dios!

En la playa.

En la playa yo bebo una botella de cerveza.

Cerveza y poco gazpacho, estoy muy borracho me gustan a mí.

Margulies.

Juliana Margulies esta en la “Buena Esposa.”

James Olmos, Eduardo James Olmos el capitan de Galactica.

Del Toro, Benicio Del Toro es muy sexy y muy guapo.

Benicio Del Toro yo creo muy guapo me gusta a mí,

Benicio Del Toro yo creo muy guapo me gusta a mí,

Benicio Del Toro yo creo muy guapo me gusta a mííííííí!

Ayayaya!