Original subtitles

[calm music]

The importance of relics in the Catholic church is paramount.

They have received the divine blessing of God himself,

allowing the particular saint to aid

and watch over the faithful masses.

What did you drag me here for?

I'm a bit sketchy on relics.

What's in the box?

-A relic. -Oh.

It's the remains of a Pope's heart.

Oh, God. Sorry.

And as the great Hans Urs von Balthasar said,

"What you are is God's gift to you,

"and what you become is your gift."

"To God."

I beg your pardon?

"What you become is your gift to God."

Thank you for correcting me, Father Durand.

And thank you all for coming, everyone.

Pub, please?

-Yeah. -Yeah.

[Father Donadieu speaking in French]

Thank you.

It's from both of us.

[Father Donadieu speaking in French]

[Paulette speaking in French]

[Father Durand speaking in French]

[Paulette speaking in French]

[man speaking in French]

[Father Durand speaking in French]

[gasping]

[Paulette speaking in French]

♪ Do you remember the first time ♪

♪ That my eyes set on you

♪ Your smile came from nowhere ♪

♪ For sometime never or sometime soon ♪

♪ The road is a long one

♪ I was only passing through ♪

♪ I was only passing through

I tell you what I don't understand about the church.

They're always skint, aren't they?

Eh?

Well, every time I went to church when I was a kid,

they were always banging on about the roof leaking

or the graveyard caving in.

It must take a lot of money

to maintain such beautiful buildings.

Did you see the amount of cash going in

to that collection box?

I can't see anything wrong with that church,

it looks absolutely fine to me.

Blimey, Dom, I didn't know you felt so strongly

about church maintenance.

Is it because they've never actually asked you

to do any work for them by any chance?

No, I'm just saying, if they're that hard off,

why don't they just sell a few candlesticks?

Well, it's all about faith, isn't it?

Well, you gotta have faith.

If you start singing George Michael,

I'm gonna hurt you.

He's dead!

Father Donadieu is dead.

Please, help.

[slow music]

So let's go over this again.

Of course.

We were taking delivery of the candles in the vestibule

and we realized that Father Donadieu had stopped shouting.

And then we saw him. It was awful.

-And the sacred heart was gone. -He was shouting?

Father Donadieu could be very impassioned.

And the door was still bolted?

No, no, we only opened the door to get some help.

It couldn't have been more than 10 minutes

before Father Durand came over for help to the pub.

I'd not even been served a drink.

And what time was this delivery?

It was 5:20 p.m., straight after the talk.

It always is.

Our deliveryman will confirm.

Madame White, do you know the approximate value

of the stolen goods?

Well, I'm not an expert on relics but priceless.

In a spiritual value.

Would it be easy to sell?

Oh, there's always a buyer for the priceless.

But if someone wanted to sell such a thing,

where would they go?

I really don't know, it's so specific.

Actually, I might know someone who could help us.

Excuse me.

[slow music]

Hey, Dom.

Fancy going on a pilgrimage?

Lourdes?

Well, I'm just going there to look up an old friend.

Rather you than me.

It's too touristy.

[laughs] Sorry, we're not open yet.

[Niamh] My boy!

-Mammy? -[laughs]

This is Dom and Jean.

Charmed I'm sure.

Lovely to meet you.

Right, we'd best be off then.

-Yep. -Where are you off to, dear?

Lourdes.

[gasps] Another child of the Lord's.

[laughs]

Oh yes.

Oh, oh.

Celine, I don't suppose you have a clean room

ready for me, do you, dear?

-I didn't know you were coming. -Never mind.

You look exhausted.

I'll clean it myself.

And when I come back,

I'll have a pint of the black stuff, son.

How much food did you order?

I just asked Celine to do us a packed lunch.

We're only driving half an hour.

Oh, I don't believe it!

-[Dom] What? -Food of the Gods!

[laughs] Well, we are going to Lourdes.

Celine asked me a while back

what food I missed from England and this was on me list.

She must have got some in, bless her.

Whoa, whoa, hang on.

Of all the things you could have said,

pork pie with egg top of your list?

It's not top of me list.

[Dom] What was top?

-Babby's Head. -Babby's...

What is Babby's Head?

Babby's Head! You know.

Steak and kidney suet pudding.

A Northern chip shop classic.

-So called because? -It's as smooth

-as a baby's head. -Baby's head.

Exactly!

I make a cracking Babby's Head.

I could give Gordon Ramsay a run for his money.

Is that a threat or a fantasy?

[Jean laughs]

All right then, prove it.

-What? -You can cook me dinner.

All right then, I'll cook you Babby's Head, chips, peas.

And gravy.

Can't have Babby's Head without gravy.

-Oh, I knew you knew! -Of course I knew!

I went in that chip shop that often,

they used to give me a free calendar at Christmas.

[laughs] Did they now?

Oh, I can't believe that.

[upbeat music]

[calm music]

I mean, how many nuns do you need?

Depends on what you've been up to, my child.

It's all right, Karen, you can drop the French accent,

-he's with me. -Jean!

-How are you? -I'm all right.

This is Dom.

All right, Dom, are you a sinner?

-I've had my moments, yeah. -[laughs]

Let's get that kettle on and have a ciggie.

Come on.

I washed all those glasses last night

and she just washed them all again.

Look, I had no idea she was coming, love.

Anyway, I know exactly why she's here,

she just wants to cause trouble.

You know, she's been so lonely since my dad died, Celine.

You know, they did everything together for 45 years.

Maybe that's why she's here.

To see her only son,

eat with the only family she has left in the world.

Did you ever think it could be that?

I'm sorry, it's just-

Just you never give her a chance.

Over here, son.

I'll have another Guinness when you're ready, son.

I hope you're not gambling, ma?

Gambling, oh no, son,

this is just a little friendly culture exchange.

I'm teaching them how to play cribbage

and they're going to teach me how to play boules.

Can I smell a bit of boule?

[laughs] He's a funny man, my son.

I mean it, ma, we're not licensed for gambling.

Trust me, son! It's just a little friendly.

Okay.

And if you found yourself adding a wee tot of whiskey

as a chaser for your old ma, she'd be very grateful.

Right gentlemen, 50 euro each in the kitty,

twice round the board.

And I told her I buy curios

and she thought I was coming onto her.

[laughs]

-So how long were you a nun for? -Eh!

I still am a nun.

I don't wear this to keep my head warm.

Praying and all that was alright for the first few years

but I needed more, you know,

to keep my faith shining bright.

So she decided to become one

of the world's leading experts on religious art.

Like you do.

Eh love, I heard about Rory.

I'm really sorry.

Thank you.

So to what do I owe the honour?

Right.

Can you shed any light?

The Sacred Heart tour, the heart of Pope Pius VI.

That box is a little bit small for a heart.

Oh no, it was only the remains of his heart in the box.

Oh, mingy.

What's the history?

In 1791, Pope Pius VI rejected

the Constitution civile du clerge.

What's that?

Well, the new Republic, not the Vatican,

were now in charge of the Catholic church in France.

But Pius wasn't having any of it

so he suspended any priests who accepted it.

-Brave! -Very.

It was only seven years later in 1798

that the French took control of Rome

and declared it the Roman Republic.

When Pius refused to submit to the conquerors,

they dragged him back to France.

But he was getting on a bit

and of course, he didn't make it.

-He croaked on the way back. -Blimey.

He was buried without ceremony in an un-consecrated grave.

And his heart stayed in France.

You're very good with your dates.

A nun with a photographic memory.

I should be in a circus.

So the Sacred Heart was stolen

from the Church of the Virgin Mary

in Sainte Victoire yesterday.

It's priceless!

Spiritually and financially.

That's exactly what I said.

If someone was trying to get rid of it for money,

where would they go, Karen?

I don't even know how you would get rid of it.

Oh.

There's only one dealer I can think of

who might chance their arm with something like this.

Oh?

Vivienne Dumonet.

Do you know where I can find her?

Here.

Careful though, love, she has quite the reputation.

Oh.

Thank you, Karen.

Can I use your loo before I go?

Yeah, course you can, it's right through there.

Come on then!

-What? -Who's he?

-Dom? -No, St. Francis of Assisi!

He's just a mate.

-He makes you sparkle. -He does not.

He is hot.

Are nuns even supposed to say that?

Probably not.

But religious art experts can.

You are allowed a life, you know.

[sighs] It's too soon for me, Karen.

He's been so lovely, I'm really going to miss him.

I've not had a friend like that for a long time.

[Dom clears throat]

-[man groans] -Yes!

Sorry, Pierre.

It's a sea of glasses out there.

I see you're playing cribbage?

That's well observed by a man so young as yourself.

Do you play?

How much is the stake?

[Niamh laughs]

Well, that's very kind of you, young man,

but I'll buy my own drink, thank you.

Next game is 50 euro stake, twice round the board.

Take a seat.

Don't touch anything.

Hello.

A friend of mine said you might be able to help me?

[Vivienne] Oui?

I'm looking for a religious item.

You have come to the right place.

[Jean] It's very valuable.

I deal in the finest antiques and icons,

not cheap souvenirs, Madame.

Quality surrounds you.

Yes, I can see that.

But this is priceless and it's missing.

[Vivienne] You mean the Sacred Heart, Pope Pius VI, yes?

[Jean] How did you know?

Anyone who knows their reliquaries knows.

I only wish it had come through here,

I could've got rid of it in five minutes.

-[crashes] -[gasps]

What have you done?

That is finest Capodimonte.

Oh no, it's not Capodimonte, is it?

Come on.

You owe me 1,500 euro!

Oh, I don't think so, love.

You and I know that's just a piece of mass produced pottery.

Here.

10 euros for your trouble.

Keep the change.

What did I say?

[keyboard clacking]

-Seen something you like? -What?

Wait a minute.

I saw him in the church with Father Donadieu.

-Follow that car! -[Dom] Oh, brilliant!

I have always wanted somebody to say that to me.

[car honks]

[speaking in French]

They're a good looking couple and no mistake.

[Jean] This is true.

[Dom] They've got a real sense of style, haven't they?

What, them two?

You've only just seen them.

No, I mean the French, in general.

[Jean] Yeah.

You know, when I first came here,

I tried to copy the look.

Went to the same shops, bought the same clothes.

Did I nail it? Nah.

I think I've just got a very British head.

You always look great to me.

Oh, thanks.

And I'll have a ham and cheese baguette, please.

Yeah.

[Sacha speaking in French]

[Paulette speaking in French]

[Father Durand speaking in French]

[Sacha speaking in French]

[Father Durand speaking in French]

[Dom] Don't gawp with your mouth full.

What's gone on there?

I'm going to take little look round the church.

Lunch on me if you'll have a look

at that leaky pump you keep promising you'll fix.

It's all right, I'll see you in a bit.

All right... [mumbles]

[knocking]

You don't want to go down there, that's the crypt!

No one's been down there for years.

Oh, sorry.

Can I help you?

Yes, I was come to see you and your mum actually.

Maman,you remember Madame White from the night of the...

Oh, hello again.

I just wondered how you were both doing?

We are okay.

Of course, it has been so horrific and shocking

that my sleep has not been good.

He hasn't got a wink, bless him.

I hope you don't mind me asking,

the gentleman that came in to the church before?

I recognize him.

Oh, you mean Sacha Ruse?

He came over to sign the papers

on a field he has purchased from the church.

-Is he a builder? -Yes, he is.

He has been wanting to buy the field for many years,

but Father Donadieu was not keen

and kept it stringing along.

Is that because it was consecrated?

No, because that's the kind of tyrant he was.

Maman!

You cannot speak of the dead like that,

especially within these walls.

Father Donadieu was a man of faith

in the face of his congregation,

but behind closed doors, he was a very different man.

He could be very difficult.

Especially with those closest to him

and my mother has worked for him since she was 15.

Oh.

We've all had tough bosses.

Exactly.

[calm music]

[Jean] I think I know who murdered Father Donadieu.

For sure?

[Jean] The evidence is pretty solid.

Qui?

Sacha Ruse.

Monsieur Ruse?

Are you sure?

What is your evidence?

His girlfriend is the only person around here

who could get rid of a relic.

Father Donadieu refused to sell him a piece of land

that he really wanted, but just after the murder,

he buys the same piece of land off Father Durand.

-It's got to be Sacha Ruse. -What piece of land?

Oh, it's at the back of the church,

it's not consecrated or anything,

but you've got to admit the timing's fast.

No, Jean, this is all circumstantial.

And how would he get back through a bolted door?

Well, I don't know, Caron,

but somebody is dead and everything is pointing to him.

Monsieur Ruse is a very important member

of the community.

A magistrate and incredibly charitable.

If you are wrong, the ripple effect will be huge.

But what if I'm right?

Hasn't your community got a right to know

that it's living with a murderer?

We should at least question him.

[calm music]

[Sacha speaking in French]

[Caron speaking in French]

[Sacha speaking in French]

[Caron speaking in French]

[Sacha speaking in French]

So you know your antiques, Jean White?

I do.

[Caron] Can I ask you a few questions?

Of course.

It has come to my knowledge

that you have recently bought the piece of land

behind the church.

Yes.

And you've been trying to get your hands

on that land for ages.

Yes.

But Father Donadieu did not want me to develop the land.

Even though it was not consecrated.

And you're currently dating an expert

in religious icons and antiques?

Oui,and what business is that of yours?

Monsieur Ruse, forgive my directness,

but it is a bit of coincidence

that a religious relic has been stolen,

you have a girlfriend that could get rid of it for you,

and the only person standing in the way

of a big development got murdered?

You are being serious?

The circumstantial evidence is strong, monsieur.

Are you a religious woman, Madame White?

I'd say I was spiritual more than religious.

But you were raised with religion?

You grew up with it?

Roman Catholic.

Well, I am a committed atheist.

And do you know one of the reasons why I am an atheist?

When my mother was just three years old,

she was ripped away from her mother by the church.

No reason other than she was unmarried and struggling.

Her child torn away.

My grandmother committed suicide

rather than live with the grief of losing her daughter.

And do you know what the church did?

They threw her into a pauper's pit.

No burial, no grave.

The shame my mother had to grow up with

coloured her entire life.

That is why I wanted to buy the land

at the back of the church.

That land is the very pauper's pit

in which my grandmother lies.

Oh.

Oui.

I want to turn it into a place for people who need help,

a sort of sanctuary in my grandmother's honour,

but Father Donadieu was not in favour of this idea

as it would bring shame on the church.

[laughs]

Oh, and as for stealing the remains of a heart

that might have belonged to a Pope,

you will not be surprised

to know that doesn't interest me at all.

Monsieur Ruse, can I ask where you went

after leaving the church that night?

Madame Dumonet and I dined at La Sal de Nuit.

The restaurant was packed.

Maybe you should have asked me that first.

Please accept my sincere apologies.

Jean, how could you do that to me?

I've never been so humiliated.

The evidence was so compelling, I was sure it was him.

I will never live this down in this village.

-I'm sorry. -Not to mention my wife.

Your wife?

She is a member of the same art committee

as Vivienne Dumonet.

She will never let me live this down.

Well, just explain to her that it was all my fault.

You don't know my wife.

Caron, you can't make me feel any worse than I already do.

[phone chimes]

What's wrong?

There has been another stabbing.

[ominous music]

[camera clicking]

[Gendarme speaking in French]

[Jean] Did you say scissors?

[Caron] Yes, but he's the local drug dealer,

so it's probably unrelated.

Oh, it was awful.

I don't think I'm cut out for this police stuff.

There was so much blood.

That happened to me once.

You witnessed a murder scene?

No, really bad shaving cut.

Was blood all over the place.

I nearly fainted.

And Caron's still not speaking to me.

Oh, love.

-I'll see you both later. -See you.

That's why I stopped shaving.

Xav's gambling.

Over there.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Glo.

My ma told me it was just a friendly.

Come on, Gloria.

What the hell do you think you are doing?

Maman!

You could get us shut down, you stupid woman!

Hey, there's no need for that, Celine.

No, there isn't!

And how dare you speak to me like that!

We don't have a license to gamble.

Well, you should get one!

There's a reason why we don't get one.

Do you have a criminal record?

I don't have a criminal record,

but if you don't get out of my face, I soon will have.

Please, everyone,

I'm the reason why they don't have a license.

I'm a recovering addict.

We're not doing drugs, son.

Besides, you've won the kitty twice!

Not drugs.

Gambling.

I'm supposed to be in recovery.

I'm sorry, mum.

Can we go home now?

Thanks, Celine, for trying.

You always have to look at the parents

to see why the child behaves so badly.

I think you know what you need to do.

Take no notice, son.

This whole PC thing has got way out of hand.

You should have seen his face, Dom,

I've never seen anyone so upset.

Especially someone like Caron. I feel awful.

You said he mentioned his wife?

Yeah, that's the first time he's mentioned her to me,

thinking about it.

Well, that'll be it then.

What do you mean?

How do I put it?

Have you ever seen Caron out of uniform?

Ever seen him relax or have dinner?

-Weirdly, no. -No.

He hates to go home.

He just stays at work.

-Because of his wife? -Yeah.

The few times he's mentioned it to me,

he just said him and his wife do not get on.

I mean, the only time I saw them together,

they were sniping all night.

It was exhausting.

Why don't they just split up?

Who knows.

I just know that kind of thing would drive me insane.

Gosh, even so, he's such a lovely man,

I wish I could make it up to him.

[bell rings]

-Fancy a prayer service? -Really?

Oh, come on, please, just give me one more look?

Prayer service? I don't know what to do.

Just do everything I do.

Come on, you'll be fine.

[Father Durand speaking in French]

[congregation speaking in French]

[Father Durand speaking in French]

Different curtains.

[Father Durand speaking in French]

[congregation speaking in French]

Mother and Son.

-[Dom gasps] -What?

Dom, stay in your seat after the service.

What? It's bad enough being here in the first place,

never mind staying a minute longer than we have to.

Please, Dom.

All right, all right.

-Got me skin there. -Sorry.

[bell ringing]

Oh, that was a lovely service, Father.

Thank you.

You must be very proud of your son.

I am.

Especially since he gets to lead the service.

Oh, did Father Donadieu not let you lead the service?

Never.

Father Donadieu was, shall we say,

a little bit possessive.

Oh, Monsieur Ruse said

that Father Donadieu was also very possessive

about the land at the back of the church.

Father Donadieu said it was the property of the church.

But I thought selling the land could create something

for the community.

Oh.

So it's quite useful

that Father Donadieu is not here anymore?

What are you insinuating?

Just that life's a little bit better for everyone?

Are you accusing me of murder in God's house?

No, Father, not you.

Madame White, how dare you!

When I first came into the church

after Father Donadieu had been murdered,

I couldn't see why the confessional box seemed strange.

But tonight I worked it out.

It's out of place.

Only slightly, but it's not quite where it should be.

Would you like to tell us why, Paulette?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Should I refresh your memory?

This is absolute nonsense.

You had a little bit of help, didn't you?

This is how I see it.

As we left the church that night,

your drug dealer friend sneaked off

and hid in the confessional box.

As Father Donadieu came back into the church,

your young friend came out of the box

and stabbed him in the back with a Crucifix,

then quickly returned, picking up the relic on the way.

You then sent Father Durand for help

to the pub across the square.

And while he was gone,

you both slid the confessional box across,

revealing a secret door which I assume leads to the crypt.

After he made his escape,

you tried to put the confessional box back

into the right place but, well, in your efforts,

you left the tilted station of the cross.

-Can you give me a hand? -Yeah.

Only a girl who's worked here all her life would know

where a secret door was.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, my darling.

How did you know?

I saw you going in the crypt door one morning.

I assumed it was a side door until I came to visit you.

I've been at the receiving end

of that monster's wrath most of my working life.

I was determined my son wouldn't go through the same.

I dreamt about murdering him.

What silencing him would sound like.

But you murdered twice, didn't you?

-What? -[Jean] The boy.

-What boy? -Come on, the boy, Paulette.

He was killed with shears.

Your sewing shears.

He was blackmailing me.

I paid him well, he wanted more.

I spent all my savings.

So what happened to the Sacred Heart?

Oh, that was used just for a motive for murder.

It never left, did it, Paulette?

You would never sell a holy relic,

good Catholic girl like you.

No, you made new curtains to hide it.

Maman?

How?

[Jean] The curtains on the leaflet are a different colour.

And when I was in the vestry,

I noticed the thread in your sewing machine was crimson.

I got your text. This better be good, Jean.

Let's give them a minute.

[calm music]

So, you still going to cook me a Babby's Head then?

I'm not one to renege on a promise.

I don't want tinned peas, mind.

I want them soaked overnight.

Oh, do you now?

In a hairnet.

A hairnet?

Yeah, like my gran used to do.

[laughs] Do I look like the kind of woman

who wears a hairnet?

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds of fear.

Just turn up at mine at seven o'clock.

Would it excite you if I told you

that I've got a couple of bottles

of Dandelion and Burdock to bring over?

Now that excites me more than you could possibly imagine.

-Hiya, love. -Hello.

How's Xav?

I've just come back from one of his meetings.

You're such a lovely mum.

Oh, Celine, I'm so sorry for kicking off yesterday.

Kicking off? You were positively graceful.

You have absolutely nothing to apologize for.

We promised you that there would be no gambling in here.

It's us who should be apologizing to you.

It wasn't your fault.

Maybe not, but it was the fault of her.

[sighs] I know she is my mother-in-law

but I cannot stand her!

This morning she told me

that I couldn't possibly be a real woman

because I hadn't had a child.

[gasps]

I can't believe the hard faced cheek of her.

I told her I didn't want her here straight away

but she just ignores me.

-What about Niall? -Him?

He resorts to being a 12 year old boy, bless him.

She smothers him as a mother

and she guilt trips him on religion.

Oh, for a few hours off!

There she is!

A child of God!

How was your trip to Lourdes?

Oh, great, great.

[upbeat music]

Sister!

I got your message, what's so urgent?

Jean, there's something I have to tell you

and it just couldn't wait.

I must ask you all for your complete confidentiality.

What I'm about to say might just change the world.

Of course, yeah, yeah.

At seven o'clock last night,

Sister Bernadette saw the face of Our Lady

in a croque monsieur in a cafe in Lourdes.

Now please don't mention this to anyone

but there is every chance

that the croque monsieur will cry at any minute

and the Cafe de Royale will become a place of pilgrimage.

[laughs]

Remember, son, you're the man of the house.

Don't go letting her walk all over you.

She's a beautiful woman, ma.

Maybes to you.

Here, take care of yourself. See you soon.

And get that gambling license sorted.

And I told her I buy curios

and she thought I was coming onto her.

[laughs]

I don't know how to thank you.

You could start with another rum and black.

[laughs]

-[phone rings] -Oh, excuse me.

Hi, Barbara.

Cash buyer?

Oh, so when can they view again?

Tomorrow?

Oh, Barbara, that's great.

Third time lucky, eh?

Yeah, bye.

Cash buyer? That's brilliant news.

Sooner I sell that cottage,

the sooner I'm on my way home.

Celine, fill me up, we're all celebrating.

[cheering]

-Cheers! -Cheers!

[slow music]