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3
00:00:11,979 --> 00:00:13,857
- i'm telling you,
puppets make anything funny.
4
00:00:13,881 --> 00:00:16,426
give me something
that isn't funny.
5
00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:19,663
- a plane crash
into a nuclear power plant.
6
00:00:19,687 --> 00:00:20,731
- okay.
7
00:00:20,755 --> 00:00:22,432
now picture
the same plane crash,
8
00:00:22,456 --> 00:00:24,667
only the cabin is full
of screaming puppets
9
00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:26,603
flailing their skinny little
puppet arms.
10
00:00:26,627 --> 00:00:27,637
funny, right?
11
00:00:27,661 --> 00:00:29,139
- mm, maybe.
12
00:00:29,163 --> 00:00:30,407
are they on fire?
13
00:00:30,431 --> 00:00:31,431
- hmm.
14
00:00:32,433 --> 00:00:33,476
- hey, lawndale high.
15
00:00:33,500 --> 00:00:37,113
are you ready
to par-tay cra-zay?
16
00:00:37,137 --> 00:00:38,748
- what the hell is that?
17
00:00:38,772 --> 00:00:40,216
- if it's an ice cream truck,
18
00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:43,053
that better be
some damn good ice cream.
19
00:00:43,077 --> 00:00:44,054
- wow!
- yeah!
20
00:00:44,078 --> 00:00:45,988
- oh, my god!
21
00:00:46,012 --> 00:00:46,989
look at his hair.
22
00:00:47,013 --> 00:00:47,991
- i'm bing.
23
00:00:48,015 --> 00:00:49,392
- and i'm the spatula man.
24
00:00:49,416 --> 00:00:51,227
we're mental in the morning.
25
00:00:51,251 --> 00:00:54,331
- 'cause you've got to be crazy
to make it through high school.
26
00:00:54,355 --> 00:00:55,332
- yeah!
27
00:00:55,356 --> 00:00:56,800
- all right!
- whoo-hoo!
28
00:00:56,824 --> 00:00:57,801
- great, you guys.
29
00:00:57,825 --> 00:00:58,802
- good grief.
30
00:00:58,826 --> 00:01:00,837
- it's lame djs, charlie brown.
31
00:01:00,861 --> 00:01:01,838
- whoo-hoo!
32
00:01:01,862 --> 00:01:02,839
together: gah!
33
00:01:02,863 --> 00:01:03,840
- this is so exciting.
34
00:01:03,864 --> 00:01:06,075
imagine, real-life celebrities
35
00:01:06,099 --> 00:01:10,347
broadcasting all week live
from lawndale high.
36
00:01:10,371 --> 00:01:11,848
- they're not celebrities.
37
00:01:11,872 --> 00:01:13,183
- they're djs.
38
00:01:13,207 --> 00:01:15,084
- wacky djs.
39
00:01:15,108 --> 00:01:18,154
and their hilarious antics
will soon silence
40
00:01:18,178 --> 00:01:20,790
those naysayers
who would have us believe
41
00:01:20,814 --> 00:01:23,393
that lawndale high
is a place of gloom.
42
00:01:24,618 --> 00:01:26,396
- of course, getting rid
of the hidden cameras
43
00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:28,865
and bomb sniffing dogs
would accomplish the same goal.
44
00:01:28,889 --> 00:01:30,633
- you girls should be
thanking me
45
00:01:30,657 --> 00:01:33,570
for caring so much
about student morale.
46
00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:36,305
- i don't suppose the school
would be receiving a large fee
47
00:01:36,329 --> 00:01:39,108
from the radio station
for participating in this stunt.
48
00:01:39,132 --> 00:01:40,377
- ms. morgendorffer,
49
00:01:40,401 --> 00:01:43,113
those bomb sniffing dogs
have to eat.
50
00:01:44,638 --> 00:01:46,749
- could puppets make them funny?
51
00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:49,886
- mm, i withdraw my theory.
52
00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:51,721
- well, actually, eric,
53
00:01:51,745 --> 00:01:53,457
would you mind
if we wrap this up tomorrow?
54
00:01:53,481 --> 00:01:55,224
oh, no, that's okay.
55
00:01:55,248 --> 00:01:56,326
no, fine.
56
00:01:56,350 --> 00:01:57,727
it's just that my family
was just...
57
00:01:57,751 --> 00:01:58,962
- no, yes, sure, of course.
58
00:01:58,986 --> 00:01:59,963
not at all.
59
00:01:59,987 --> 00:02:01,130
anyt...
never.
60
00:02:01,154 --> 00:02:03,266
- nothing like taco tuesday,
eh, girls?
61
00:02:03,290 --> 00:02:04,734
- if i recall correctly,
62
00:02:04,758 --> 00:02:06,770
taco thursday
was pretty similar.
63
00:02:06,794 --> 00:02:07,971
- i was on the radio today.
64
00:02:07,995 --> 00:02:10,574
bing and the spatula man
invited the fashion club
65
00:02:10,598 --> 00:02:13,810
to critique the outfits
of some less stylish students.
66
00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:15,712
- marconi would be so proud.
67
00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:17,981
- that spatula man is funny.
68
00:02:18,005 --> 00:02:20,484
- as are most men named
for kitchen utensils.
69
00:02:20,508 --> 00:02:23,854
- helen, you're gonna miss out
on all the guacamole.
70
00:02:23,878 --> 00:02:26,255
♪ mom's gonna miss
the guacamole ♪
71
00:02:26,279 --> 00:02:27,657
♪ mom's gonna miss
the guacamole ♪
72
00:02:27,681 --> 00:02:29,960
- enough with the guacamole!
73
00:02:29,984 --> 00:02:32,562
no, not you, eric.
74
00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:34,798
- i think bing
has a crush on me.
75
00:02:34,822 --> 00:02:37,567
daddy, you're using
all the cheese!
76
00:02:37,591 --> 00:02:40,003
- hey, what did the doctor
tell you about cheese?
77
00:02:40,027 --> 00:02:42,672
no, not you, eric.
78
00:02:42,696 --> 00:02:45,375
how would i know what the doctor
told you about cheese?
79
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:47,777
why, sure.
80
00:02:47,801 --> 00:02:49,846
i'd love to hear what the doctor
told you about cheese.
81
00:02:49,870 --> 00:02:52,515
- "what did the doctor tell you
about cheese, jake?"
82
00:02:52,539 --> 00:02:54,617
"what did the doctor tell you
about cheese, jake?"
83
00:02:54,641 --> 00:02:57,487
why can't a man come home
from hard day's work
84
00:02:57,511 --> 00:03:00,156
and enjoy a lousy taco without
it turning into...
85
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:02,192
hey, you know,
it's the darndest thing.
86
00:03:02,216 --> 00:03:03,759
i can't feel my arm.
87
00:03:03,783 --> 00:03:05,361
- yes, i can probably
put together a...
88
00:03:07,388 --> 00:03:08,364
- dad?
89
00:03:08,388 --> 00:03:09,599
- blerg.
90
00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:10,867
- daddy?
91
00:03:10,891 --> 00:03:14,905
- ♪ mom's gonna miss
the guacamole ♪
92
00:03:14,929 --> 00:03:16,907
- jakey!
93
00:03:18,933 --> 00:03:21,077
- we'll have to wait
for the test results,
94
00:03:21,101 --> 00:03:23,413
but so far it looks like
a very mild heart attack.
95
00:03:23,437 --> 00:03:24,514
- oh, no.
96
00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:26,416
- a heart attack?
97
00:03:27,508 --> 00:03:30,253
- a very mild heart attack.
98
00:03:30,277 --> 00:03:32,021
- was there much damage
to his heart?
99
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:33,323
- i don't think so.
100
00:03:33,347 --> 00:03:36,258
if he adopts the right diet,
exercise, and attitude,
101
00:03:36,282 --> 00:03:37,427
he should be fine.
102
00:03:37,451 --> 00:03:38,894
i hope you don't mind
the question,
103
00:03:38,918 --> 00:03:41,497
but is there anything
in your father's home life
104
00:03:41,521 --> 00:03:43,500
that might be
causing him stress?
105
00:03:45,859 --> 00:03:48,871
- are bats sneaking
into your neighborhood
106
00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:50,674
disguised as cute
flying squirrels?
107
00:03:50,698 --> 00:03:54,077
rabid rodent rip-off,
tonight on sick, sad world.
108
00:03:55,102 --> 00:03:56,079
the bats of death!
109
00:03:56,103 --> 00:03:57,781
they've come for me!
110
00:03:57,805 --> 00:03:58,882
- don't worry, dad.
111
00:03:58,906 --> 00:04:00,850
it's just the bats of bad tv.
112
00:04:00,874 --> 00:04:02,117
- oh, jakey.
113
00:04:02,141 --> 00:04:03,419
i promise the girls and i
114
00:04:03,443 --> 00:04:05,722
will take good care of you
from now on.
115
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:06,723
- what's the catch?
116
00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:08,391
- there's no catch, jake.
117
00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:10,926
that's just your medication
talking.
118
00:04:10,950 --> 00:04:12,696
- assuming he's on
any medication.
119
00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:15,098
- this book will tell us
what we need to do
120
00:04:15,122 --> 00:04:17,367
now that we have a heart attack
survivor in the family.
121
00:04:17,391 --> 00:04:18,501
- and guess what, daddy.
122
00:04:18,525 --> 00:04:20,537
i'm gonna study to be a doctor.
123
00:04:20,561 --> 00:04:21,804
- hey, that's great.
124
00:04:21,828 --> 00:04:23,773
- dr. quinn, medicine moron.
125
00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:25,207
- a heart doctor.
126
00:04:25,231 --> 00:04:26,476
if dad had died,
127
00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:28,278
i would have been freaked out
for, like, years.
128
00:04:28,302 --> 00:04:29,646
- that's the spirit, sweetie.
129
00:04:29,670 --> 00:04:31,114
avenge my death.
130
00:04:31,138 --> 00:04:32,616
- you're not dying, dad.
131
00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:33,817
- avenge me!
132
00:04:33,841 --> 00:04:35,484
- jake, you're gonna give
yourself a...
133
00:04:35,508 --> 00:04:36,686
never mind.
134
00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:39,289
honey, is there anything
we can get for you?
135
00:04:39,313 --> 00:04:40,790
- yipe!
136
00:04:42,683 --> 00:04:43,683
- i want my mommy.
137
00:04:45,085 --> 00:04:47,597
- so my grandmother ruth will be
staying with us
138
00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:48,732
while my dad recovers.
139
00:04:48,756 --> 00:04:50,233
- is this the grandmother
who said
140
00:04:50,257 --> 00:04:52,535
she'd give you a hundred bucks
if you changed your hair?
141
00:04:52,559 --> 00:04:54,237
- both my grandmothers
said that.
142
00:04:55,462 --> 00:04:57,373
- spatula man,
i see a couple of ladies here
143
00:04:57,397 --> 00:05:00,443
who i bet know how to par-tay.
144
00:05:00,467 --> 00:05:03,079
- we really should start driving
between classes.
145
00:05:03,103 --> 00:05:04,614
- girls, we've got
a treasure chest
146
00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:07,617
full of z93 prizes here,
147
00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:09,251
and all you have to do
for the key
148
00:05:09,275 --> 00:05:11,187
is tell us on the air
149
00:05:11,211 --> 00:05:14,045
where you love to get mental
in the morning.
150
00:05:15,783 --> 00:05:18,762
- i think they have
stage fright, spatula man.
151
00:05:18,786 --> 00:05:19,763
- come on, girls.
152
00:05:19,787 --> 00:05:21,498
nothing to fear but winning.
153
00:05:21,522 --> 00:05:23,733
just tell us which station
plays the hits
154
00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:26,135
high schoolers love to hear.
155
00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:27,704
- note to self,
156
00:05:27,728 --> 00:05:31,341
stop by courthouse on way home
and pick up restraining order.
157
00:05:31,365 --> 00:05:33,275
- well, no problemo.
158
00:05:33,299 --> 00:05:36,912
we'll just find some other
mental morning party people.
159
00:05:36,936 --> 00:05:39,281
- this will get worse
before it gets better.
160
00:05:39,305 --> 00:05:42,084
- i can't believe they gave us
free key chains
161
00:05:42,108 --> 00:05:43,253
with a z93 thingy.
162
00:05:43,277 --> 00:05:46,689
- and look,
it's a flashlight too.
163
00:05:46,713 --> 00:05:48,324
- wow, how do they do that?
164
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:51,094
- they must be made
with computers.
165
00:05:52,319 --> 00:05:55,598
- ruth,
it's wonderful to see you.
166
00:05:55,622 --> 00:05:56,599
- hey.
167
00:05:56,623 --> 00:05:57,600
- hi, grandma ruth.
168
00:05:57,624 --> 00:05:58,601
- yeah, hi.
169
00:05:58,625 --> 00:06:00,002
- helen, girls.
170
00:06:00,026 --> 00:06:02,905
still haven't settled
on a decorator, i see.
171
00:06:02,929 --> 00:06:04,873
- well, if you remember, ruth,
172
00:06:04,897 --> 00:06:07,410
i decided to decorate
the house myself.
173
00:06:07,434 --> 00:06:09,111
- oh, marvelous.
174
00:06:09,135 --> 00:06:11,481
i look forward to seeing it
once you get started.
175
00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:13,049
- as a matter of fact,
it's already...
176
00:06:13,073 --> 00:06:16,118
- and how are my little
granddaughters?
177
00:06:16,142 --> 00:06:18,455
daria, you look...
178
00:06:18,479 --> 00:06:20,389
you haven't changed a bit.
179
00:06:20,413 --> 00:06:23,593
- actually, i've had a number
of bionic limbs installed.
180
00:06:23,617 --> 00:06:25,394
- well, i don't know
what that means.
181
00:06:25,418 --> 00:06:27,764
but as long as you don't get
a tattoo, i'll be happy.
182
00:06:27,788 --> 00:06:29,999
- you mean another tattoo.
183
00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:33,936
- and how's my beautiful
little quinn?
184
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:35,505
is that a stethoscope?
185
00:06:35,529 --> 00:06:36,506
- i need to get used
186
00:06:36,530 --> 00:06:37,940
to coordinating outfits
around it.
187
00:06:37,964 --> 00:06:39,875
i'm studying to be
a heart doctor.
188
00:06:39,899 --> 00:06:41,411
so the next time
my dad collapses,
189
00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:42,945
i can save him.
190
00:06:42,969 --> 00:06:46,950
- quinn, girls as pretty as you
don't need to become doctors.
191
00:06:46,974 --> 00:06:48,050
- i know.
192
00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:49,551
but it's like, you know,
a calling.
193
00:06:49,575 --> 00:06:51,087
- where's my jakey?
194
00:06:51,111 --> 00:06:52,655
- mom, is that you?
195
00:06:52,679 --> 00:06:55,625
- jakey, you shouldn't
be yelling.
196
00:06:55,649 --> 00:06:57,527
didn't you give him a bell?
197
00:06:57,551 --> 00:07:00,596
- we were just about to,
of course.
198
00:07:00,620 --> 00:07:01,620
- really.
199
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:07,003
- this doesn't say anything
about a bell.
200
00:07:07,027 --> 00:07:11,341
- ♪ la, la-la, la-la
la-la ♪
201
00:07:11,365 --> 00:07:14,733
♪ la-la, la-la, la-la ♪
202
00:07:18,472 --> 00:07:21,717
- "oh, it offends me to the soul
203
00:07:21,741 --> 00:07:23,953
"to hear a robustious
periweg-pated fellow
204
00:07:23,977 --> 00:07:26,322
"tear a passion to taters,
to very rags,
205
00:07:26,346 --> 00:07:27,924
to split the ears
of the groundlings"...
206
00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:29,859
- coming up,
our raunch-a-riffic list
207
00:07:29,883 --> 00:07:32,227
of 101 words for sex!
208
00:07:38,725 --> 00:07:40,437
- so the stories were right.
209
00:07:40,461 --> 00:07:43,706
people really do use these
peculiar rooms to prepare food.
210
00:07:43,730 --> 00:07:45,208
- welcome home, dear.
211
00:07:45,232 --> 00:07:47,009
i'm just teaching your mother
how to cook.
212
00:07:47,033 --> 00:07:48,110
- oh, nonsense.
213
00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:49,245
i cook all the time.
214
00:07:49,269 --> 00:07:50,447
don't i, daria?
215
00:07:50,471 --> 00:07:51,648
- well...
216
00:07:51,672 --> 00:07:53,383
- what exactly
are you making, helen?
217
00:07:53,407 --> 00:07:55,551
- chinese chicken with pea pods.
218
00:07:55,575 --> 00:07:56,952
- mm-hmm.
219
00:07:56,976 --> 00:08:00,111
you do realize
that's a piece of fish.
220
00:08:02,950 --> 00:08:06,695
- ugh, this is so frustrating.
221
00:08:06,719 --> 00:08:08,832
daria, have you ever
read this book?
222
00:08:08,856 --> 00:08:12,401
- thrombocytopenic complications
after stent placement
223
00:08:12,425 --> 00:08:15,238
post coronary artery
angioplasty.
224
00:08:15,262 --> 00:08:17,807
maybe you should start off
with something easier.
225
00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:21,299
many coloring books
feature hearts and rainbows.
226
00:08:22,970 --> 00:08:25,214
- come on, jakey.
227
00:08:25,238 --> 00:08:27,183
you've got to eat something.
228
00:08:27,207 --> 00:08:29,185
- but i don't like oatmeal.
229
00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:31,921
- if you eat it,
i'll give you some apple juice.
230
00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:32,922
- with a straw?
231
00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:34,791
- pretend the spoon
is an airplane.
232
00:08:34,815 --> 00:08:36,059
works every time.
233
00:08:36,083 --> 00:08:38,795
daria, could you feed
your father for a minute?
234
00:08:38,819 --> 00:08:39,796
- i'm sure he can...
235
00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:40,797
- thanks, dear.
236
00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:44,200
- daria, my eldest, my heir.
237
00:08:44,224 --> 00:08:46,535
- well, if i manage
to bump off mom
238
00:08:46,559 --> 00:08:47,971
and make it look like
an accident.
239
00:08:47,995 --> 00:08:49,205
- this is serious, daria.
240
00:08:49,229 --> 00:08:50,906
i may not be long
for this earth.
241
00:08:50,930 --> 00:08:53,009
and when i go,
it could well fall on you
242
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:54,344
to put things in order.
243
00:08:54,368 --> 00:08:56,612
your mother, of course,
will be so stricken with grief
244
00:08:56,636 --> 00:08:57,913
she'll be unable to function.
245
00:08:57,937 --> 00:09:02,318
and quinn, she's just
so very young.
246
00:09:02,342 --> 00:09:05,487
oh, god, my little quinn!
247
00:09:06,512 --> 00:09:08,691
- dad, you're not dying.
248
00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:10,993
the doctor said you'd be fine
after some rest.
249
00:09:11,017 --> 00:09:13,730
- to think i promised to walk
you down the aisle one day.
250
00:09:13,754 --> 00:09:15,064
- now there's a request
251
00:09:15,088 --> 00:09:16,733
i definitely
don't remember making.
252
00:09:16,757 --> 00:09:18,835
- daria, you don't get it.
253
00:09:18,859 --> 00:09:21,137
the reaper could walk
into this room at any moment.
254
00:09:21,161 --> 00:09:23,339
- time for someone's
sponge bath.
255
00:09:25,132 --> 00:09:27,210
- hey, spatula man.
256
00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:28,411
let's remind our audience
257
00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:29,879
what we're doing here
this morning.
258
00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,247
- it's simple, bing.
259
00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:33,916
we're gonna make a love match
for this young man
260
00:09:33,940 --> 00:09:35,184
live on the air.
261
00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:36,252
what's your name, chief?
262
00:09:36,276 --> 00:09:37,620
- charles is my name.
263
00:09:37,644 --> 00:09:41,857
exploring the dark underbelly
of passion is my game.
264
00:09:42,882 --> 00:09:43,859
okay, charles.
265
00:09:43,883 --> 00:09:45,394
the first girl out here
in our audience
266
00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:46,629
to agree to a date with you
267
00:09:46,653 --> 00:09:50,032
is gonna get a free
mental in the morning
268
00:09:50,056 --> 00:09:51,700
bumper sticker.
269
00:09:51,724 --> 00:09:54,070
- what do you say, ladies?
270
00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:55,404
- ew!
- upchuck?
271
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:56,906
- no way.
272
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:59,074
- a date for a bumper sticker?
273
00:09:59,098 --> 00:10:02,344
- even upchuck doesn't deserve
this much humiliation.
274
00:10:02,368 --> 00:10:04,581
- think how the bumper sticker
must feel.
275
00:10:04,605 --> 00:10:07,550
- well, charles, looks like
the response is underwhelming,
276
00:10:07,574 --> 00:10:08,551
to say the least.
277
00:10:08,575 --> 00:10:09,552
- no, no.
278
00:10:09,576 --> 00:10:11,854
they're always shy at first.
279
00:10:11,878 --> 00:10:14,657
it makes them more mysterious.
280
00:10:14,681 --> 00:10:16,359
- hey, if they won't
come to you, carlos,
281
00:10:16,383 --> 00:10:20,830
the spatula man ain't too proud
to go to them.
282
00:10:20,854 --> 00:10:22,465
- hey!
283
00:10:22,489 --> 00:10:23,466
- ow.
284
00:10:23,490 --> 00:10:25,201
- watch it, spatula geek.
285
00:10:25,225 --> 00:10:27,770
- hey, chick-a-ritas,
which one of you lovelies
286
00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:30,239
wants to go out
for a night on the town
287
00:10:30,263 --> 00:10:31,341
with my man charles
288
00:10:31,365 --> 00:10:35,511
and win a free bumper sticker
on z93?
289
00:10:35,535 --> 00:10:36,646
- tiffany dear,
290
00:10:36,670 --> 00:10:39,649
would you please explain
to the spatula man
291
00:10:39,673 --> 00:10:42,551
why a bumper sticker cannot
possible compensate
292
00:10:42,575 --> 00:10:45,187
for the shame and permanent
reputation damage
293
00:10:45,211 --> 00:10:48,357
involved with a single date
with charles ruttheimer?
294
00:10:48,381 --> 00:10:50,459
- upchuck?
295
00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:51,661
ew.
296
00:10:51,685 --> 00:10:53,362
- well done.
297
00:10:53,386 --> 00:10:54,730
- hey, how about you?
298
00:10:54,754 --> 00:10:58,267
up for a date
with our don juan de lawndale?
299
00:10:58,291 --> 00:10:59,502
- no thanks.
300
00:10:59,526 --> 00:11:02,438
- don't you want to hear
your voice on the radio?
301
00:11:02,462 --> 00:11:03,439
come on.
302
00:11:03,463 --> 00:11:04,774
you look like you could use
a date.
303
00:11:04,798 --> 00:11:06,776
- climb on up here, kitten.
304
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:09,578
let me be your ball of yarn.
305
00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:13,850
- okay, you talked me into it.
306
00:11:13,874 --> 00:11:16,118
- you hear that, everybody?
307
00:11:16,142 --> 00:11:20,423
- i'll just run home first
and take a ten-year shower.
308
00:11:20,447 --> 00:11:22,691
- bed, come on.
309
00:11:22,715 --> 00:11:25,294
i need lumbar support,
lumbar support!
310
00:11:25,318 --> 00:11:27,095
- jake, calm down.
311
00:11:27,119 --> 00:11:29,532
your father never
used to carry on like this.
312
00:11:29,556 --> 00:11:30,533
- of course not.
313
00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:32,702
expressing emotion requires
a soul.
314
00:11:32,726 --> 00:11:34,837
- what's that supposed to mean?
315
00:11:34,861 --> 00:11:37,707
dad was a decent, caring man.
316
00:11:37,731 --> 00:11:39,041
- oh, sure he was.
317
00:11:39,065 --> 00:11:41,077
caring enough to ship me
off to military school
318
00:11:41,101 --> 00:11:42,244
first chance he got.
319
00:11:42,268 --> 00:11:44,880
- but you asked for more
structure in your life.
320
00:11:44,904 --> 00:11:48,383
- all i said was i might
want to go to tennis camp.
321
00:11:48,407 --> 00:11:49,719
- oh, that's right.
322
00:11:49,743 --> 00:11:51,420
- but dad twisted
my words around,
323
00:11:51,444 --> 00:11:54,389
the same way he twisted my
entire adolescence
324
00:11:54,413 --> 00:11:58,293
into a bitter hangman's noose
of resentment and isolation.
325
00:11:58,317 --> 00:12:00,730
he wouldn't even
teach me to shave.
326
00:12:00,754 --> 00:12:01,731
- now, jake.
327
00:12:01,755 --> 00:12:04,133
you know your father had
a razor phobia.
328
00:12:04,157 --> 00:12:06,268
- i had to learn behind
the munitions hut
329
00:12:06,292 --> 00:12:07,904
from corporal ellenbogen.
330
00:12:07,928 --> 00:12:10,740
- that man with one thumb?
331
00:12:12,098 --> 00:12:14,410
- daria, what do you think
of this pattern?
332
00:12:14,434 --> 00:12:16,745
your grandmother seems to think
our current drapes
333
00:12:16,769 --> 00:12:18,214
aren't cheery enough.
334
00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:20,049
i'll show her cheery.
335
00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:22,484
- this might not be the best
time for you to be working
336
00:12:22,508 --> 00:12:24,153
near large panes of glass.
337
00:12:24,177 --> 00:12:25,788
- oh, darn it.
338
00:12:25,812 --> 00:12:28,824
i thought this surgery thing
would be a lot easier.
339
00:12:28,848 --> 00:12:29,825
- don't worry.
340
00:12:29,849 --> 00:12:31,126
when you operate
on real people,
341
00:12:31,150 --> 00:12:32,428
their noses don't light up.
342
00:12:32,452 --> 00:12:34,930
- can you believe the stomach
on this patient guy?
343
00:12:34,954 --> 00:12:37,333
no wonder he has to get
all this stuff removed.
344
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:40,670
- um, quinn.
345
00:12:40,694 --> 00:12:42,405
that is the phone, isn't it?
346
00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:44,140
- sorry, i'm studying.
347
00:12:45,165 --> 00:12:46,275
- hello?
348
00:12:46,299 --> 00:12:48,311
mom, it's mary anne
at the office.
349
00:12:48,335 --> 00:12:50,245
- i'll just have
to call her back.
350
00:12:50,269 --> 00:12:51,814
use the message pad.
351
00:12:51,838 --> 00:12:54,083
- message pad?
352
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:57,720
she'll have to get back to you
when she regains her sanity.
353
00:12:57,744 --> 00:13:00,422
no, i don't know
when that will be.
354
00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:02,258
okay, bye.
355
00:13:05,852 --> 00:13:07,930
hello?
356
00:13:07,954 --> 00:13:10,466
yes, quinn's here,
but she's studying.
357
00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:12,435
studying.
358
00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:14,403
no, this isn't a prank call.
359
00:13:14,427 --> 00:13:16,038
you called me.
360
00:13:16,062 --> 00:13:17,440
okay, i'll tell her.
361
00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:19,441
that was...
362
00:13:19,465 --> 00:13:21,844
- message pad.
363
00:13:21,868 --> 00:13:24,447
darn gall bladder.
364
00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:26,482
- no matter what i did,
365
00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:28,016
he'd always done it better.
366
00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:30,753
- he gave me $50 a month
for my allowance.
367
00:13:30,777 --> 00:13:32,021
allowance!
368
00:13:32,045 --> 00:13:35,224
as if keeping his house spotless
and raising his children
369
00:13:35,248 --> 00:13:37,926
was only worth the price
of a couple of girdles.
370
00:13:37,950 --> 00:13:40,095
- tried to mold me
into a soldier,
371
00:13:40,119 --> 00:13:41,797
but did he ever let me have
a g.i. joe?
372
00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:44,267
didn't want his boys playing
with dolls, he said.
373
00:13:44,291 --> 00:13:45,268
- oh, jake.
374
00:13:45,292 --> 00:13:47,403
i wanted you to have that doll.
375
00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:48,771
- it was an action figure.
376
00:13:48,795 --> 00:13:50,439
- i'm sorry, jakey.
377
00:13:50,463 --> 00:13:51,774
if i could do it all over,
378
00:13:51,798 --> 00:13:54,610
i'd stand up for you
against your father.
379
00:13:54,634 --> 00:13:55,778
as a matter of fact,
380
00:13:55,802 --> 00:13:58,281
i'd do a lot of things
differently.
381
00:13:58,305 --> 00:14:00,182
oh, oh, my.
382
00:14:01,641 --> 00:14:03,385
feel a little faint.
383
00:14:03,409 --> 00:14:04,453
my chest.
384
00:14:04,477 --> 00:14:05,554
- mommy?
385
00:14:05,578 --> 00:14:07,656
see what you've done, old man?
386
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:08,958
how many more lives, dad?
387
00:14:08,982 --> 00:14:13,963
how many more lives?
388
00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:17,499
- daria,
what's going on up there?
389
00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:21,392
- i think we may have another
patient on our hands.
390
00:14:30,103 --> 00:14:31,814
anyway,
the doctor checked her out,
391
00:14:31,838 --> 00:14:33,315
and she's okay.
392
00:14:33,339 --> 00:14:36,585
it was just gas from my mother's
heart-smart lima bean cupcakes.
393
00:14:36,609 --> 00:14:39,254
- she collapsed
right next to your dad?
394
00:14:39,278 --> 00:14:41,189
that's so sweet.
395
00:14:41,213 --> 00:14:43,792
i mean, in a twisted,
horrible sort of way.
396
00:14:43,816 --> 00:14:45,093
- i guess.
397
00:14:45,117 --> 00:14:47,129
- they're not still
in bed together, are they?
398
00:14:47,153 --> 00:14:49,465
- heart disease,
borderline psychosis:
399
00:14:49,489 --> 00:14:52,434
i shudder to think what lies
behind door number three
400
00:14:52,458 --> 00:14:54,370
in the morgendorffer
genetic code.
401
00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:56,071
- it could be worse.
402
00:14:56,095 --> 00:14:58,440
you could come from a family
of wacky morning djs.
403
00:14:58,464 --> 00:14:59,741
- don't remind me.
404
00:14:59,765 --> 00:15:01,377
between dad and the party van,
405
00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:04,313
life's become a living hell
at home and at school.
406
00:15:04,337 --> 00:15:05,314
- don't worry.
407
00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:06,882
the van will move on soon
408
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:09,484
or be destroyed
in a mysterious bombing.
409
00:15:09,508 --> 00:15:10,619
i haven't decided yet.
410
00:15:10,643 --> 00:15:12,721
- there's no place left
for me to hide.
411
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:14,905
- you could always dive
into a wooded thicket.
412
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:18,794
hey, it works for bunnies.
413
00:15:18,818 --> 00:15:23,799
- z93 makes me
mental in the morning!
414
00:15:25,358 --> 00:15:26,836
- whoo-hoo!
415
00:15:26,860 --> 00:15:28,070
- yeah!
416
00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:31,107
- i've seen more people collapse
this week.
417
00:15:31,131 --> 00:15:32,541
- that was pretty good.
418
00:15:32,565 --> 00:15:33,942
but good enough to win
a t-shirt?
419
00:15:33,966 --> 00:15:35,778
i don't think so.
420
00:15:35,802 --> 00:15:38,514
- there must be some
other students out there
421
00:15:38,538 --> 00:15:42,618
who can tell us on the air
why z93
422
00:15:42,642 --> 00:15:44,887
makes them
mental in the morning.
423
00:15:44,911 --> 00:15:45,911
- me, me!
424
00:15:46,913 --> 00:15:48,791
- you there, in the green.
425
00:15:48,815 --> 00:15:49,792
yeah, you!
426
00:15:49,816 --> 00:15:51,059
- once again,
427
00:15:51,083 --> 00:15:52,995
i'm being personally addressed
by a morning dj.
428
00:15:53,019 --> 00:15:53,996
- that's it.
429
00:15:54,020 --> 00:15:55,197
i want your autograph.
430
00:15:55,221 --> 00:15:57,199
- you've been avoiding us
all week long.
431
00:15:57,223 --> 00:15:58,734
why not come up here
432
00:15:58,758 --> 00:16:05,073
and tell us why z93 makes you
mental in the morning?
433
00:16:05,097 --> 00:16:07,309
- free t-shirt.
434
00:16:07,333 --> 00:16:10,278
- it's two sizes too large
and tissue thin.
435
00:16:10,302 --> 00:16:11,714
how can you resist?
436
00:16:11,738 --> 00:16:14,416
- i'd finally have a decent
outfit for the auto show.
437
00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:16,918
- but are you
mental in the morning?
438
00:16:16,942 --> 00:16:19,221
- you know, i think i am.
439
00:16:23,682 --> 00:16:26,662
a few days ago,
my father had a heart attack,
440
00:16:26,686 --> 00:16:28,964
forcing me to admit
his mortality to myself
441
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:30,465
for the first time.
442
00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:32,034
accepting this grim
new knowledge
443
00:16:32,058 --> 00:16:33,569
has been especially difficult,
444
00:16:33,593 --> 00:16:35,705
as i've been under constant
yammering assault
445
00:16:35,729 --> 00:16:37,606
by two utterly brainless
and talentless
446
00:16:37,630 --> 00:16:40,009
so-called radio personalities.
447
00:16:40,033 --> 00:16:43,312
and so for these reasons,
i, daria morgendorffer,
448
00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:44,868
am mental in the morning.
449
00:16:54,113 --> 00:16:55,458
- what do you think?
450
00:16:55,482 --> 00:16:57,560
it's basically
your chili recipe
451
00:16:57,584 --> 00:16:58,794
but with half the fat.
452
00:16:58,818 --> 00:17:00,529
- jake will know the difference.
453
00:17:00,553 --> 00:17:01,964
he grew up with my chili.
454
00:17:01,988 --> 00:17:04,266
- and now he's had
a heart attack.
455
00:17:04,290 --> 00:17:06,869
- i'm sure you did
the best you could.
456
00:17:06,893 --> 00:17:09,338
chili's not easy
for someone who so rarely
457
00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:10,406
gets to cook for her family.
458
00:17:10,430 --> 00:17:11,807
now, ruth...
459
00:17:11,831 --> 00:17:13,208
together: quinn?
460
00:17:13,232 --> 00:17:17,112
- did you know the heart can
take blue blood and make it red?
461
00:17:17,136 --> 00:17:19,314
- quinn, if you don't take
your nose out of that book
462
00:17:19,338 --> 00:17:21,250
from time to time,
you're going to get wrinkles.
463
00:17:21,274 --> 00:17:22,618
- i thought of that.
464
00:17:22,642 --> 00:17:24,919
but the lady at the makeup
counter said reading is okay
465
00:17:24,943 --> 00:17:26,455
as long as i pace myself.
466
00:17:26,479 --> 00:17:30,058
- wouldn't it just be easier
just to marry a nice doctor?
467
00:17:30,082 --> 00:17:32,327
then you could stay home
with your children
468
00:17:32,351 --> 00:17:35,498
and have dinner on the table
for your husband every night.
469
00:17:35,522 --> 00:17:37,132
- just what are you
getting at, ruth?
470
00:17:37,156 --> 00:17:39,701
- she wants you both to model
your lives after hers.
471
00:17:39,725 --> 00:17:41,236
and who could blame her?
472
00:17:41,260 --> 00:17:43,372
after all, you were just telling
dad yesterday
473
00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:46,241
how you made all the right
decisions in your life.
474
00:17:46,265 --> 00:17:47,709
right, grandma?
475
00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:48,977
- i... well...
476
00:17:49,001 --> 00:17:52,748
i need to check on the laundry.
477
00:17:52,772 --> 00:17:54,538
- you both owe me.
478
00:17:55,975 --> 00:17:57,720
- how does she do that?
479
00:17:57,744 --> 00:17:59,755
- you got me.
480
00:17:59,779 --> 00:18:01,891
- how are you feeling, jakey?
481
00:18:01,915 --> 00:18:03,425
- oh, better, i guess.
482
00:18:03,449 --> 00:18:05,961
it's just a little difficult
when your first major organ
483
00:18:05,985 --> 00:18:07,295
decides to betray you.
484
00:18:07,319 --> 00:18:10,332
- just be thankful your pancreas
is still on your side.
485
00:18:10,356 --> 00:18:13,168
- daria, how am i doing
as a dad?
486
00:18:13,192 --> 00:18:15,304
- um, i'm not sure
what you mean.
487
00:18:15,328 --> 00:18:18,040
- my father always had to
point out how i was screwing up.
488
00:18:18,064 --> 00:18:19,475
and that screwed me up.
489
00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:22,611
i just want to make sure i never
make you girls feel that way,
490
00:18:22,635 --> 00:18:24,913
less worthwhile or intelligent
than your old man.
491
00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:28,050
- here, i did the hard parts
of the crossword for you.
492
00:18:28,074 --> 00:18:29,084
thanks, kiddo.
493
00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:30,552
- don't worry, dad.
494
00:18:30,576 --> 00:18:33,722
i'm sure you're doing better
than your father did.
495
00:18:33,746 --> 00:18:36,058
for starters,
wasn't he dead at your age?
496
00:18:36,082 --> 00:18:37,659
- hey!
497
00:18:37,683 --> 00:18:41,063
- do doctors in operating rooms
have to wear these masks?
498
00:18:41,087 --> 00:18:43,232
because they can't be good
for your pores.
499
00:18:43,256 --> 00:18:44,466
- not now, quinn!
500
00:18:44,490 --> 00:18:47,035
i mixed up the sugar
and the salt again.
501
00:18:47,059 --> 00:18:48,637
- yahoo!
502
00:18:48,661 --> 00:18:51,039
i'm better than him,
better than him at living.
503
00:18:51,063 --> 00:18:52,675
he was dead at my age.
504
00:18:52,699 --> 00:18:55,244
wahoo!
505
00:18:55,268 --> 00:18:56,578
- was that jakey?
506
00:18:56,602 --> 00:18:59,180
- mom, does this mean that daddy
isn't going to die?
507
00:18:59,204 --> 00:19:02,839
- i think it's safe to say
that daddy's better now, honey.
508
00:19:07,246 --> 00:19:08,724
- where's that message pad?
509
00:19:08,748 --> 00:19:09,725
- you can use this phone.
510
00:19:09,749 --> 00:19:10,749
i'll use my cellular.
511
00:19:11,751 --> 00:19:13,228
- yay!
512
00:19:13,252 --> 00:19:14,563
hello, front lawn.
513
00:19:14,587 --> 00:19:16,131
hello, garbage truck!
514
00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:17,332
merry christmas,
515
00:19:17,356 --> 00:19:20,002
you wonderful old garden gnome.
516
00:19:20,026 --> 00:19:23,138
- so grandma ruth just took off?
517
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:26,174
- she finally realized she was
doing more harm than good.
518
00:19:26,198 --> 00:19:28,010
- and did you perhaps help her
realize that?
519
00:19:28,034 --> 00:19:30,346
- i may have had a hand
in her epiphany.
520
00:19:30,370 --> 00:19:32,248
- hope you washed it thoroughly.
521
00:19:32,272 --> 00:19:34,250
so with the party van gone,
522
00:19:34,274 --> 00:19:35,584
i guess your life
is back to normal
523
00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:36,751
at school and at home.
524
00:19:36,775 --> 00:19:39,621
- you know,
as stupid as both places are,
525
00:19:39,645 --> 00:19:41,690
i see now that they could be
a lot worse.
526
00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:44,259
- why, daria,
are you becoming an optimist?
527
00:19:44,283 --> 00:19:46,194
- hmm, i'm not sure.
528
00:19:46,218 --> 00:19:47,318
hold up your glass.
529
00:19:48,388 --> 00:19:50,465
- nope, still half empty.
530
00:19:50,489 --> 00:19:52,034
- guess it was just a phase.
531
00:19:52,058 --> 00:19:54,803
- although the half that's there
looks delightfully refreshing.
532
00:19:55,828 --> 00:19:59,108
- all right, party pizza people.
533
00:19:59,132 --> 00:20:01,210
this is the z93 party van,
534
00:20:01,234 --> 00:20:04,013
and we'll be broadcasting live
all week from right here
535
00:20:04,037 --> 00:20:07,149
at the best pizza place in town.
536
00:20:07,173 --> 00:20:11,019
now, who here digs djs?
35641
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