All language subtitles for Alexander.and.the.Terrible.Horrible.No.Good.Very.Bad.Road.Trip.2025.DSNP.WEB-DL.H264-BiOMA.en[cc]

[♪ cumbia music playing]

[Alexander] I have the worst luck
of anybody that has ever lived.

[grunts]

Don't walk this close to me at the store.
Got it?

[car alarm beeps]

[Alexander] That's why my sister
walks ten steps ahead of me,

so my terrible luck
doesn't rub off on her.

Living with bad luck is not easy.

- I always gotta think two steps ahead.
- Little to the left.

Left, left. I mean right! Right!

[both grunt]

[Alexander] My mom says I worry too much.

But little does she know,
something bad is coming our way.

Don't believe me?
Take a look for yourself.

[all screaming]

- [all screaming]
- [cow moos]

[Alexander]
But that's all happening tomorrow.

Today, this is what I'm dealing with.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, gosh! [screaming]

- Oh, my God!
- [screaming]

[Alexander] And just when I think
things can't get any worse...

[mom] My Prius!

...they always do.

[sighs]

Mia!

[Alexander] Welcome home, Mom.

- [Mia] Hear me out.
- No, no. You're grounded...

- Are you ever gonna hear me out?
- ...probably forever.

[grunts] But it wasn't my fault.

She's right, Mom.
I didn't see the fire hydrant.

It just kinda jumped out at us.

Yeah. Why should I be punished
for his bad luck?

- She has a point.
- No, no. You're not gonna put this on him.

- This is on you.
- And me. I-I was in the car too, you know?

Exactly. This kind of stuff
always happens to him.

Remember when he almost
blew up Grandpa's house?

Ooh, yeah. That was bad.
Still can't go near gas grills.

They give me the shakes.

- You know what? This is actually on you.
- How is this my fault?

'Cause you were working
the whole time I had my permit.

I am a travel writer. I travel.

How do you expect me to do that from home?

Isn't it punishment enough you're
forcing me to live on a bus for a week?

Keys.

[sighs] I don't see what the big deal is.
It's just a little water.

- [worker 1] Oh, no!
- [worker 2] Are you okay?

Hang in there, buddy!

Oh, man.

Phone.

But it's promposal week.

I-I don't even know what that means.

[sighs] I don't need a vacation
with this family.

I need a vacation from this family.
[screams]

- [Mom whispers] Oh, gosh.
- [person] Don't yell at your mom!

[Mia] Sorry, Grandma.

Mom, you just got home.

Do you need, like, a nap or a coffee?

I need you to go to your room.

Yep. You got it.

[sighs]

This is the most dangerous road trip ever.

What is my mom thinking?

- [knocks on door]
- Honey?

Got you a souvenir.

Look.

Thanks.

Mom, do you have any idea how many
railroad accidents happened last year?

2,178.

Honey, you're doing it again.

You're thinking in doom and gloom.

Well, it's gotten me this far.

[Mom sighs]

Sweetheart.

It's gonna be so fun. I promise.

A vacation with the whole family.
We haven't done that in ages.

Maybe we should be saving money.

Have you seen how much gas costs?

It's a paid trip.
Magazine's covering all of it.

Maybe you can even help me
write my article.

- I know how much you love spelling...
- But, Mom...

- ...and grammar and fact-checking.
- [sighs]

Yep.

We're doomed.

Look, I know things have been
a little slow lately,

but people love our food.

[caller] Which is great, Frank,
but it doesn't pay the bills.

The review wasn't all terrible.

They said the flavor was nuanced, uh,
refined,

exquisitely prepared.

Yeah, yeah. But then it says,

"Unfortunately, Frank Garcia's menu
lacks soul."

[chuckling] Look, it's just one review.

It's the one review
that could have changed everything.

The way we're losing money...
I'm sorry, we gotta pull the plug here.

Brett, let's just talk about this, okay?

Talking's not gonna pay the rent, Frank.

You're an incredible chef,
but I'm shutting us down.

- I gotta go. I'm meeting someone.
- What? No, no.

- Hey, Wolfgang!
- No, Brett. Hold on.

Honey, did you see
what Mia did to the car?

- Mia did that?
- Yes.

- Are the kids okay?
- Yeah, they're fine.

- I had to take away her phone.
- On promposal week?

Okay. Why didn't I get the memo
on this promposal situation?

And why can't she just get asked
when we get back?

I mean, she can, but she's gonna be
the last person in her group to get asked,

and that would be, like, devastating.

Devastating?

You're right. No, she'll live. I think.

You know what? Doesn't matter.
How's the restaurant?

- Good. Yeah.
- Yeah?

No. The lunchtime crowd was great.

- It was...
- Wait, really?

So, things are picking up? That's great.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

So, where's this fancy RV of yours?

I can't wait for you to see it.

- It's... It's here.
- [horn honks]

[gasping]

That's what we're going in?

Yeah.

Oh, I didn't know
it was gonna be like this.

- What? You guys, come, come, come. Look!
- [Frank] Wow. Check it out.

- [Mom] Isn't it cool?
- [Grandma] It's a land yacht.

- [Mom] This thing is... It's...
- Ginormous.

Yes!

And you guys thought
we were gonna be in a crappy bus.

Is that regulation height?

- [gasps]
- [electronic voice] Welcome, family name.

- What is happening?
- Magic.

[sighs]

So many warning signs.

[gasps]

- Oh, my God, babe!
- Whoa.

- This is so cool.
- It's amazing.

What is that? I don't know. [gasps]

But it's pretty.

- So sh...
- Look at this, babe. Babe, babe.

What is it?

Don't... No. Don't touch anything.

We don't know how anything works.

- Good afternoon!
- [all scream]

Hi, I'm Missy McGill.
You must be the Garcia family.

- Yes, we are.
- Yeah.

Have some coffee. It's free.

- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.

- It's delicious.
- No, no. No.

Welcome to the Pathwinder XR,
the most advanced RV on the road.

She is beautiful, and I have to say,

she looks pretty beautiful
in your driveway.

How did it do in crash tests?

Oh. Okay, Shark Tank.

We're just gonna go right in there. Okay.

Didn't expect that question.

You know, the Pathwinder XR
is actually the safest RV ever built.

- [Frank] There you go.
- See?

It's actually 50% less flammable
than the last model.

Just don't use hair spray.

Mmm.

Shall I show you more?

Hey, your face is saying no,
but your spirit is saying yes.

All right! Here are
your sleeping accommodations.

- It can accommodate six...
- Cool.

...but, in a pinch, you could fit more.

There you go.

Hmm. [gasps]

- [grunts, groaning]
- [Missy] It's an air mattress.

- [groans]
- [Missy] Firm, right?

Oh, wait! Honey,
let me get a picture for the magazine.

- Ooh! Yeah.
- Yes. Okay.

- [groans]
- [Mom] Cheese.

[shutter clicks]

We didn't forget about the kiddos.

- [Frank] Oh.
- Nintendo Switch.

I speak kid. Child,
or whatever you call yourself.

Is it safe?

Like emotionally?

Whenever you feel like you don't
have control over your life,

you can come here
and just control a bunch of stuff.

That's what I do.

[laughs]

[Mom] Wow. Does it read my horoscope?

It does, and it's got built-in Spotify.

- [♪ electronic music playing on speakers]
- Oh!

Yeah! [cheers]

- Let's get turnt up, ladies! Turn up.
- Ah! [laughs]

I also teach Zumba on the side.

- Should we do a quick impromptu class?
- You know what?

- No.
- You, Lidia.

- Lidia does Zumba.
- Yeah!

[Mia, Lidia shouting]

[Missy cheering]

[chuckles] Where'd everybody go?

Something I said?

Okay, folks. Enjoy your trip.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

- Remember, we're leaving at 6:00 a.m.
- Not 6:05.

You do not want your mom waking you up.

She will not be gentle.

Great. We'll get an early start
to me being bored out of my mind.

You stop.

Hey, hey, hey. Alex, what do you think?

Sits pretty tall,
probably a rollover hazard.

Okay. Why don't you make yourself useful
and get the luggage out of the attic?

Stupid attic.

Why didn't Mia do this?

She's older than me.

Just my luck.

Oh.

Alejandro Damian Morales.

[groans]

[sighs, exhales sharply]

[hinges creak]

[lid thuds]

1905?

[sighs]

Is that teeth?

[♪ throat singing]

[chattering, distorted]

[♪ throat singing stops]

- [door bangs]
- [gasps]

- Hey.
- [sighs] Hey, Dad.

Dinner's about ready.

- [♪ "Black Betty" playing on speakers]
- [engine revving]

Can't I just hide in here until he leaves?

You know your grandpa's
not the boogeyman, right?

- [sighs]
- [engine revs]

He's not coming with us, is he?

My dad loves road trips.

But no, no. He's gonna stay
and house-sit and watch Clyde.

I'm so sorry.

[Clyde whimpers]

[Grandpa] Wow.

Whoa.

[Grandpa] Alexander!

Hey! Qué pasa, Mufasa? [laughs]

Hey, let's do the handshake.

My wrist still hurts from the last time.

Did you know wrist injuries
are among the most...

Yeah, yeah. Whatever.
All right. Ready to go?

- [sighs]
- Okay. Boom. Yeah. Bam!

Boom. Is it up or down? I can't remember.

- Hold it there. Come on.
- This feels like fighting.

[sighs] Let's go to the end. [shouts]

- [Alexander screams]
- [groans]

- We need a new handshake.
- [laughs]

We're gonna have to toughen you up, niño.

[chuckles]

Hey, I'm here! Feed me.

- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, mija. How are you?

[Mom] Aw!

- That's quite the rig you got out there.
- Oh, yeah.

Fella could have a really good weekend
in Vegas for that.

Well, if you ask me, a vacation
is exactly what this family needs.

[scoffs] This isn't a vacation.
We're spending a week being truck drivers.

Hi, Grandpa.

Hi, mija.

She seems, uh, extra grumpy today.

She crashed my car,
so I grounded her and took away her phone.

On promposal week?

- No.
- Wha...

So where are you going
on this big adventure of yours?

We are going to the Four Seasons,
Mexico City.

- The kids are gonna love it.
- [sighs]

- [Grandpa] Oh.
- [Mom] Yeah.

Abuelo, was Alejandro your grandpa?

Yeah. Yeah, he was my grandpa.

How's your chicharrón?
Mine's a little dry.

I didn't know you were coming,

so I gave you the batch
I made for the dog.

How come you don't want
to talk about Alejandro?

Okay. Mijo, just eat your dinner.

Alejandro.
Isn't that the one that's cursed?

Wait, cursed?

Well, now you have to tell us.

[Lidia] Yes, you have to tell us.
Now that I'm living here,

I need to know the curses
that are in this house.

- There's no curses in the house.
- [Grandpa] Fine.

I'll tell 'em.

I mean, the family should know
their own history.

No, Dad, if you tell him,
he's going to have nightmares.

Well, if I don't tell him,
he's gonna grow up like his dad,

who thinks he's better than chicharrón.

- He has a point.
- Hmm.

- You are ashamed of your culture.
- That is not true.

Oh, no? Then how come it's me
teaching him Spanish?

Alexander is learning Spanish?

No. Watching Caso Cerrado
does not qualify as learning Spanish.

Yes, it does.

[speaks Spanish]

- [speaks Spanish]
- Hmm.

And Mia, who didn't want a quinceañera.

- It's tradition.
- [Mia] Tradition?

It's a patriarchal social construct
probably created by colonizers.

Plus, I don't want pictures of me
in a pink "poofy" dress.

That's fair, sweetheart.
Look, of course, we want our children

- to connect to their heritage.
- [Frank] Hmm.

That's why we're going to Mexico,
so we can rediscover our roots.

Yeah. At the Four Seasons.

- Viva!
- [Alexander] So...

[♪ throat singing]

...is somebody gonna explain
why there's a cursed statue in our attic?

[Mia] What is that...

I've never seen anything like that.

This is actually really cool.

- Oh, my God! Why is it...
- Don't touch it!

- What happens when I touch it?
- Everybody, stop. Just stop.

[family clamoring]

Stop!

Just tell the story.

Okay. I'll tell the story.

My abuelito,

he was a corn farmer

in a little pueblecito named Soledad.

But no matter how hard he worked,
every year his crops would wither and die.

So he did what all Mexicans do
when they're desperate.

He went to see brujas.

In Soledad, there were three sisters.

And you only went to see them
when you needed serious help.

They gave him a magical idol
that would bring him good fortune.

But on one condition.

That when you're done,
you bring it back, fool.

At first, his ranch prospered.
Life was good, man.

He was making the big bucks.

He got his family
all the nice things he could never afford.

Like roller blades
and skateboards and iPads,

and a bouncy house
for the kids on their birthday.

But he couldn't resist.

He kept the idol hoping for more luck.

But the longer he kept it,
the worse his luck became.

[fire ignites]

He had to burn his entire field,

but the fire grew out of control.

And he tried to put it out,
but there was no use.

[all laughing]

The next morning,
the entire town had burned to the ground.

Everybody blamed Alejandro.

They said he was cursed.

And I told my dad many times,
"Hey, throw that thing away."

And he said no matter how hard he tried,

- he couldn't get rid of it.
- [mouthing words]

Maybe he was cursed.

What do you think?

Why would you name me
after a guy who burned down his town?

Alexander is a very strong name.

Uh, so is Voldemort. Or Darth Vader.

- Would you name me after them?
- Okay. Do you see what you started?

- What, me?
- Yeah.

I told you to name him Zacarías,
Zacatecas, Zorro.

Anything farthest away from the letter A.

- I'm not naming him Zorro.
- Okay. This is absurd.

Um, brujería, mal de ojo, chupacabra.

This is all just Mexican superstition.

I don't know, Dad. You gotta admit
his whole life kind of makes sense now.

[scoffs] Why is this thing in our house?

What if our house burns down?

Oh, you're such a little baby.

- I'm not a little baby.
- [mockingly] I'm not a little baby.

- Stop it. Mia, you're making it worse.
- [mock cries]

I'm not a baby!

[screams]

[idol thuds]

[Gilbert] Oh, dear God. [sighs]

- Okay. Problem solved.
- Yeah.

I don't think you should have done that.

[Mom] Alex.

Hmm, let's be honest.
If anyone's cursed, it's me. [sighs]

[chanting in Spanish]

[chanting continues]

[gasps]

Bring it back, fool.

- Bring it back, fool. [echoing]
- [panting, sighs]

[sighs]

- You need to cancel the vacation.
- Oh, yeah?

Does this have anything
to do with the curse?

Oh, the thing.
I forgot the thing back there.

- Uh, it's over at the thing.
- Uh-huh.

[♪ cumbia music playing]

[Mia] Yes.

Ah, suckers!

- Oh!
- [clattering]

- [Mom] Mia!
- I'm coming!

[clattering]

My answer is still no. I'm not going.

Okay. Well, we are.

So if you're gonna stay,
you can stay with Grandpa.

What? No,
I don't want to stay with Grandpa.

Oh, yeah? Hey, bachelor weekend, eh?

We can watch wrestling.
Pound some beers, huh?

Mom, you know he's not kidding, right?

- Oh! Hey, have you ever seen a cockfight?
- [Alexander] What?

Yeah, I'll call Javier, my friend.
He'll set it up right now.

- Hey, we could roast a goat too.
- Mom, are you hearing this?

- Now who roasts a goat?
- [Frank] Hey. [sighs]

Honey, he doesn't wanna go
because he's scared of the curse.

I'm telling you something
bad is going to happen.

[sighs] Alex, this curse,

it's, um, it's a legend.
It's a made-up story.

It's not real.

I promise, nothing bad is gonna happen.

Nope. Not going.

[sighs] All right.

Well, this was supposed
to be a surprise, but...

- Oh, the surprise.
- Yeah. Yeah.

See, we were gonna drive right past
the world's only real alien mummy.

[gasps]

- Is it a real alien?
- [Frank] Yeah.

- You're not gonna like it.
- Yeah.

[both] It's too cool.

- You know what?
- [Mom] You should stay here.

Yeah. Hang out with abuelo and the dog.

Go to your first cockfight.

- Fine.
- [Frank] Alexander,

there is no such thing as curses.

- [horn honks]
- [screams]

- [♪ "One Way Or Another" playing]
- Come on, people.

The sooner we start this trip,
the sooner it's over. Let's go.

Hey.

I made you a little baby coffee.

Oh, I'm relaxing already. Get the cooler.

[Frank] Yeah.

- [Frank sighs]
- [Mom] Party bus. Party bus.

♪ One way, or another
I'm gonna find ya ♪

♪ I'm gonna get ya
Get ya, get ya, get ya ♪

♪ One way, or another
I'm gonna win ya ♪

♪ I'm gonna get ya
Get ya, get ya, get ya ♪

♪ ...I'm gonna see ya. I'm gonna meet ya
Meet ya, meet ya, meet ya ♪

♪ One day, maybe next week
I'm gonna meet ya ♪

♪ I'm gonna meet ya
I'll meet ya ♪

[snoring]

♪ I will drive past your house ♪

♪ And if the lights are all down ♪

♪ I'll see who's around ♪

♪ One way... ♪

Sergio got the marching band
for my promposal.

[person speaking Spanish on TV]

♪ One way, or another
I'm gonna win ya ♪

♪ I'll get ya, I'll get ya ♪

Mm-hmm.

I love you.

Hey, babe?

[whispering] Babe?

[sighs]

[Frank groans]

[sighs]

- Huh?
- Hey. Oh, my God. You're awake?

- How was your nap?
- Good.

[clears throat]
Hey, um, is this a mistake?

- What?
- This trip.

It doesn't seem
like the kids are that excited.

Are you kidding?
The kids are gonna have a blast.

[sighs] I don't know what I'm saying. I...

I think I should quit my job.

You know, now that the restaurant is
doing better, I think we could afford it.

- Quit?
- Yeah.

I mean, quit is such a big word,
you know? You love your job.

I love your job.

Your job is great.
You're so good at your job.

Don't become a quitter, babe.

Oh, I just...
I feel like the kids need me, you know?

I feel like I'm missing out on everything.

They think I'm in hotel rooms having fun,

when I'm really just writing
about mediocre room service.

[sighs] If I quit, I could write that
travel book I always wanted to write.

Because I'd have more time.
Because I'd be home with the kids.

- Are you hungry?
- What?

- Are you hungry?
- No, I'm not...

- I'm gonna make you a smoothie.
- No, I don't... Honey...

You should eat.
I don't want you to get lightheaded.

Okay. But just don't put
any weird stuff in it.

[Frank] It's called vitamins.

Piledriver! What do you need,
an engraved invitation?

[groans]

You're gonna get... [groans]

- [announcer on TV, indistinct]
- [sighs]

[Clyde whimpers]

- Beat it.
- [Clyde whimpers]

[phone rings]

- Hey, Val.
- Hi. I... I wanted to go over a few things.

Did you get the sticky note?

Uh. "Don't walk around in your underwear."

[chuckles] Good luck.

[whirring]

[sighs]

Voilà, bon appétit.

Cool.

Oh, how does this thing work?

Oh, like this.

[beeping]

[whirring]

[beeping]

[whirring]

- Fancy.
- Fancy.

Oh, and one last thing.
Don't give the dog any junk food, okay?

The vet wants him to lose weight.

Don't give the dog any junk food.

Got it.

Is that...

Finally. Alien mummy.

- [electricity crackling]
- Oh, no!

Are those good sparks?

[sighs]

"System error. Reset at master control."

[sighs]

- [electronic voice] Welcome.
- Okay.

What are you doing?

I spilled ginger ale,
and now it's not working.

Oh, you're gonna get Mom in trouble.

[groans]

- Uh...
- [Frank] Hey.

You guys okay?

Yeah, we're great.

Okay. Well, you're about to experience
some awesome deliciousness.

Mmm. So yummy. [chuckles]

- You better fix this.
- [groans]

- [Alexander] Ah!
- That means no tortillas.

No tortillas?
Do you hate your dog or something?

[screams]

Who's pushing buttons? [screams]

- Can't turn off the wipers.
- [beeping]

- [beeping continues]
- [blender whirring]

[beeping]

What? [screams]

[screams] Oh, my God! Stop it!

- Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay!
- [retractable shades whirring]

- Um... [groans]
- [electronic voice, distorted] Welcome.

- [♪ electronic music playing on speakers]
- [screams]

- No.
- Alexander, what did you click?

I don't know!

- Stop it!
- I can't!

Mia, turn off the music!

- [music continues]
- Oh, God. No, no, no, no! Oh, my God! Hey!

I want it off!

[groaning] Eyes!

Little help!

[Grandpa] Val, what's wrong? Are you okay?

Are you there? Can you hear me?

I got it. I got it.

[horn honking]

[screaming]

[both scream]

[screams] My phone!

[tires squealing]

- [grunts]
- [Frank groans]

[music continues]

[grunts, screams]

[screaming]

[all screaming]

All right. Don't yell at me. I'm your dad.

[air brakes hissing]

[tires screeching]

[creaking, clattering]

- [sighs]
- [engine stops]

[wipers squeaking]

- [Val] Oh, now it goes up?
- [Mia] Great vacation, Mom. Super fun.

[statue creaking]

[Val] Is everyone okay?

- [Alexander] Define "okay".
- [Grandpa] Val, are you there?

- Val. Val!
- [Val] It might blow up... [phone beeps]

All right, mija. I'm on my way.

- [Val] Are you guys okay?
- [Frank] You all right?

- [gasping]
- Is everybody okay?

- You okay?
- [Frank] You all right?

[Mia gasps, sighs]

Honey, that...
That thing's gonna be okay, right?

- [creaking continues]
- Yeah, it looks steady.

- [statue cracking]
- It looks... Oh, no.

- [Val] Oh, no.
- [Frank] Oh, boy.

- [Val] Oh, no, no, no. Oh.
- [Frank] Oh, no!

[all scream]

[glass shattering]

- [all exclaim]
- [electricity crackling]

[Val gasping]

[Alexander] Why is it a cowboy?

- [doorbell rings]
- Hey.

[neighbor] Whoa! Come back here.

I'm the abuelo from across the street.

I wonder if you could watch Clyde
for a couple hours.

We were actually getting ready to eat.

Oh! Hey, lucky you.
I just made some menudo. [laughs]

- Wha...
- The cow's stomach.

It's even better the next day.

Hey, listen.
I gotta go look for my family,

so if you can help me,
that would be great. Thank you very much.

- The dog's on a diet too.
- [neighbors stammering]

- But...
- [engine revving]

- Oh! Well...
- Clyde?

[sighs]

- [Frank] It looks like I got in a fight.
- [Lidia] It looks like you lost.

[Lidia sighs]

Uh, yeah. We are fully insured. Uh-huh.

I mean, I'm sure this is covered.

Uh, no, that's a fair summary.

We crashed a half a million dollar RV
into the world's largest alien.

And you thought I wouldn't
have something to write about.

Look, Mom. Mom, I just...

I'm sorry. I don't know why
I'm laughing. It's not funny.

- Mom.
- Um, excuse me, guys.

What's the deductible on the alien?

[Alexander groaning]

Oh, God! Caden could be asking me
to prom right now.

If I get asked after Sandra, I swear...

What do you think you're doing?

- Just...
- Go somewhere else.

Bad things happen when you get too close.

[Mia] Bye.

[Alexander sighs, groans]

This is really bad.

[Frank] Hey. What did your editor say?

What do you think she said?

She said she's gonna have to pay
to fix the RV, if it could even be fixed.

No. Are you kidding me?
This thing went berserk on its own.

- Look at my eye.
- I know. It's bad.

- Is it bad?
- Yeah.

You think they have workers' comp?

I don't think so. I'm the worker.

But she obviously thinks it's my fault
because she pulled my feature.

- No.
- Yeah.

Well, she did. See?
Another reason I should quit my job.

- I don't know.
- So what are we doing?

I think we should go home
before something else bad happens.

I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I agree with Alexander.

Let's just go home, please.

[sighs] I'm sorry, guys. I just wanted us
to have a nice vacation together.

[Frank sighs]

All right.

I think I saw a car rental place
about a mile back.

If we're lucky,
we can make it home by dinner.

Oh, my God. Miracles are real.

I mean, bummer.

[Val] Yeah, okay.
Let's get our stuff, guys. Come on.

- [♪ "New Mexico" playing]
- One, two...

- Oh, my back!
- Yeah, looks good here.

♪ How do you do, young fellow? ♪

♪ And how would you like to go ♪

♪ And spend a pleasant summer
Out in New Mexico? ♪

♪ I'll furnish you good wages ♪

♪ Your transportation, too ♪

♪ If you will but go... ♪

[Mia] You brought the air mattress?

[Alexander] You never know
when you need a nap.

♪ But if you should get homesick... ♪

[Frank groans]

[Frank] You guys take care of the stuff.

[Lidia exclaims, speaks Spanish]

[Val] Mia.

Wait, Lidi... Mia!

What's a botánica?

Botánica. It's a medicine store.

They might have some
yarrow root for my feet.

- They are killing me.
- Ma, you were a nurse for 20 years.

You really gonna go in here
for some brujería?

[Lidia] Medicine is medicine.

I also need a Lotto ticket.

[Val] Oh, good.
Your mother's gambling again.

Brujería as in witches?

[sighs]

Well, Grandma. Grandma!

Slow down.

Based on recent events, I think
we should stay away from any brujas.

They're just healers.

Whoa!

Hmm.

[vending machine whirring]

[grunting] Did this ever work?
[groans, sighs]

Ooh, you're gonna get in trouble.

So annoying. Little brat.

Has Caden asked you to prom yet?

Geez! Leave me alone.
That's none of your business.

What? I was just asking.

Oh, and that feels like a "no".

For your information,
he is probably at our house right now,

but I can't see him
because I'm stuck with you

- in the middle of nowhere.
- [phone ringing]

Did you hear that?

Someone has signal.
Alexander, give me a hand.

- [ringing continues]
- [Alexander] Hmm.

You look like you got this.

[♪ throat singing]

[♪ cumbia music playing]

- [screams] Devil monkey. [groaning]
- Get off of me!

[♪ throat singing stops]

You brought that thing?

No. It followed us.

Remember what Grandpa said?

His dad tried to throw it away,
but he could never get rid of it.

[phone rings]

[Mia] Hello?

No, this is his daughter.
Can I take a message?

- Pick it up.
- Fine.

[Mia] Right.

[Alex] Scary, scary, scary, scary, scary.
[groaning]

I'll make sure he gets the message.

- [Alexander] Who was it?
- That was Dad's landlord.

He says the restaurant is closing.

- Forever?
- Oh, my God.

My God. We are cursed. What do we do?

I don't know.

But I think I know where we can find out.

[Lidia, clerk chattering]

- [Lidia] Oh!
- [clerk] It smells so good.

[Lidia] My mother swore by that.

[chattering]

[clerk] Okay.

[sighs] I'm a sucker for a mother story.

My mother gave me this store

instead of letting me follow
my dreams to New York. Here you go.

I thought you two were
too good for brujería.

There's nothing better to do.

- Hmm. Fair point.
- Well, look at that.

Exactly what you gave me. No change.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- Blessings.
- Blessings. [chuckles]

Don't break anything.

[Alexander] Love you, too.

- Are you really a witch?
- Wait... You don't just ask people that.

- But are you?
- Yes. Actually, I am.

Come from a long line of them.

I mean, why else would I have nail polish?

Great. Well, we need professional help.

Well, great. You came to the right place.
Okay. Let me guess here.

[sighs] Money problems.

And you. [groans]
There's so many problems.

I can't pinpoint one
because there's so many.

[groans] But the one that
pops out the most is...

a love potion.

- Love potion?
- [clerk] Mm-hmm.

This tincture is full of rosewater.

Guaranteed to make that cute boy
you like text you.

- How did you know about him?
- Mia! Focus.

Right. Sorry.

- [sighs] We've got a big problem.
- Mm-hmm. Your hair.

- No.
- You could have more than one problem.

- What? No, because our family's cursed.
- And it's all because of this.

- No! No. Get out. Get out.
- [Alexander] Whoa! Please!

I don't need a bunch of weird kids
coming into my store. [speaks Spanish]

You need to leave now, okay?

- Please leave with your bad juju.
- Fine! Fine. Fine.

We'll pay.

- Mmm?
- [Alexander] We'll pay.

I hope you mean you're paying?

[sighs] Come on. Please, Mia.

If we don't do this,
Dad is gonna lose his restaurant.

- No, forget it. No. Get out.
- Uh, I have five bucks.

Ten.

- Fine.
- Out of the kindness of my heart.

Follow me. Everyone's welcome.

Step into my office.

That's what I'm calling it
for tax reasons.

[speaks Spanish]

Our great-great-grandfather
got this in Mexico.

Apparently, he was supposed
to give it back to some brujas.

But he never did
'cause he got a little greedy.

That's rule number one, isn't it?

When a witch asks you
to give her something back,

you have to do it, right?

Didn't your grandfather
ever watch a movie? [chuckles]

I think this was before movies.

Typical. Men, always making excuses.

- Am I right?
- Tell me about it.

[clerk] Okay. First of all,
cheekbone for days. Yes.

[muttering]

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

This is an ancient idol.

Older than Kelly Clarkson.

- Is Kelly Clarkson a bruja?
- I think so.

[sighs]

When your grandfather refused
to give this back to those lovely ladies,

he opened a big old can of mal de ojo

on your whole family, which means that...

[sighs]

[speaking Spanish]

So how do we fix this?

I remember something about...

It was years ago. [sighs]
I heard stories about this.

[panting]

Twenty bucks. [clears throat]
I mean, 20 bucks.

- But I just gave you ten.
- Yeah. But that's for a diagnosis.

And this is for a cure, which is,
you know, inflation and everything,

it just costs money, you know?

Give him 20. Quick.

[scoffs] Fine. Cure. How?

You simply take that
back to where it belongs.

- We gotta take the idol back to Soledad.
- We're already heading home.

Well, if we hurry,
maybe we can convince them.

- Come on. Let's go.
- [Mia scoffs]

- This is medicine too.
- Yeah. Yeah.

[clerk] You forgot to tip.

- Hey, guys. Slow down.
- Whoa. Whoa.

What are you doing?

Uh, we were thinking that we should...
We should go to Mexico.

Not just Mexico.

We want to go Soledad to, uh, you know,

- see where our family is from.
- Yeah.

Five minutes ago, you...
You two wanted to go home.

We... We think it's... It's important
to reconnect with our roots.

- You do?
- You do?

[scoffs]

You don't think we care
about our culture? [chuckles]

- No, no. Not at all. [chuckles]
- [laughs]

- Yeah, she cares.
- [Lidia] About what? Being Mexican?

You like Chipotle too much.

Well... Well, we do. We care a lot.

- Okay. [laughs]
- Okay. Yeah.

Don't we, Alexander?

Yeah, we... We care a lot.

See there?

I guess me moving in is paying off.

- Well, I wouldn't go that far.
- Okay.

We really appreciate you two
wanting to connect with our culture,

but the vacation gods have spoken.

We're... We're not going to Mexico.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Just... Just one second. Come here.

Um, I think we should do it.

- Do what?
- Go to Mexico.

- No.
- Why?

It seems like they really wanna go.

When do they want to do anything with us?

Maybe this is a sign.

Oh, the last sign cost the magazine
a half a million dollars.

- [engine revving]
- [tires screeching]

- [Val] Oh, my God.
- [Frank] Cool. Another blessing.

- [Alexander] Oh, wow. This is... great.
- [Frank] Oh!

[groans] I don't know about this.

- Ooh, wow. I feel itchy already.
- [flies buzzing]

Okay. So maybe it's not the Pathwinder XR,

but we don't need a fancy RV
to have a good time.

Uh, right, Mia?

[Mia sighs]

I said, "Right, Mia?"

- Right.
- [Lidia] What is that smell?

[groans] God, I think it's the carpet.

Well, I think it's a scent
of all the warm family memories

that have been made
in this awesome camper.

[flies buzzing]

But it could be the carpet.

I mean, this is so great.
You know, it's... It's so cute.

It... It's vintage, right?

Yeah, so vintage. Totally.

You really wanna do this?

I mean... [sighs] ...their faces.

[♪ "Black Magic Woman" playing]

[Frank] All right. Mexico, here we come.

[engine revs]

[phone beeps]

Come on, Val.

Hi, you've reached Val. Leave a message.

- Sh...
- [phone beeps]

[sighs]

[music continues]

♪ Got a Black magic woman ♪

What are you doing?

Honey, your head is blocking the signal.

Babe, you know
that's not how it works, right?

[scoffs] I can't get service.

[gasps] Is this...

- Oh, my God!
- Whoa.

- CDs!
- I haven't seen those in forever.

What's in there?

- Uh, Fleetwood Mac.
- Not a fan.

- Dwight Yoakam!
- It's still weird that you like country.

[Val] I love country. George Strait,
Garth Brooks, Brooks & Dunn.

- Sheryl Crow.
- [Frank] Sheryl Crow is not country.

[Val] Super country. Mott The Hoople.

[♪ throat singing]

[growling, hissing]

- [Mia screams]
- [Alexander screams]

[Mia laughing]

- [sighs]
- [Alexander] Don't do that!

[sighs]

Do you think it's mad at us?

Well, I mean, it hasn't been home
in a hundred years, so, yeah.

Okay.

- I'm just gonna...
- Hey, what are you doing?

I'm gonna put it somewhere safe.

- [Alexander] I better have it back later.
- [animal growling]

I mean it.

[Lidia snoring, clears throat]

[Val gasps] The Forrest Gump soundtrack.

[Frank imitating Forrest] Jenny!

Come on. Come on.

Yes! Finally.

[sighs]

Am I seriously
not gonna get asked to prom?

[Lidia] That's not the right question.

The question you should be asking
is why do you care so much?

[scoffs] I don't know.

I thought you were asleep.

I haven't slept since 1986.

- [Mia chuckles]
- [Lidia groans]

Well, maybe you should stop
drinking coffee before bed.

When you didn't want your quinceañera,
it hurt.

I wanted to make your dress.

But more importantly,

a quince is a rite of passage.

Of what?

You're not a little girl anymore.

You're a woman.

And that should be celebrated.

Thank you.

So it's funny, watching you
with that phone waiting on a boy.

I can't help but wonder
what happened to that woman.

Oh!

I got one.

- Show me. [laughs]
- No.

[CD player whirring]

[♪ "C'mon 'N Ride It" playing]

Stop it.

♪ Woo woo ♪

- ♪ Ooh ooh ♪
- ♪ Come on, ride the train ♪

- ♪ It's the choo choo, ride it ♪
- ♪ Ooh ooh ♪

Body roll. Whoa! Yeah. Yeah.

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ I think I can, I think I can
I think I can, I think I can ♪

- ♪ Come on, ride the train ♪
- ♪ Woo woo ♪

- ♪ And ride it ♪
- ♪ Woo woo ♪

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[Val, Frank] ♪ Come on, ride the train ♪

- ♪ And ride it ♪
- ♪ Woo woo ♪

- ♪ Come on, ride the train ♪
- ♪ Woo woo ♪

- ♪ And ride it ♪
- ♪ Choo choo ♪

- [gasps]
- [skunk chittering]

- What is that?
- Where did that come from?

- [Frank groaning]
- Oh, my... Honey.

- Honey, he's on top of me.
- No, no.

- Don't make too much noise.
- [Val] No noise.

- Pull over.
- I can't. There's no shoulder.

- Pull over.
- No.

- [skunk hisses]
- Ooh! No, no.

- [squeals] Okay. Why?
- Move the tail that way.

Just so it doesn't spray me.

Gentle.

- [skunk chittering]
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Honey?
- [skunk hisses]

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- [Frank groans, mutters]

- Why would you do that?
- You told me to.

- [skunk chittering]
- [Val] What do I do?

Uh, maybe we should sing to it.

- What?
- Yeah, sing to it.

- [skunk chittering]
- [whispers] Okay.

- [singing in Spanish, strained]
- Yeah, yeah. Keep going.

That's really beautiful, babe.

[singing continues]

- Hey, I gotta use the restroom.
- [shushes]

- [skunk squeals, chirps]
- Pinch it.

I gotta use the restroom!

[skunk shrieks]

[screams, distorted]

[all screaming, distorted]

[groans, distorted]

[Mia groaning, distorted]

[gags, distorted]

Oh, my God.

[♪ "El Rey" playing]

[all gagging, chattering]

Oh, my God. I'm gonna puke!

[music continues]

[coughs, gags]

[Alexander screams]

It's in my mouth! [gags]

[skunk chitters]

[Frank] It's in my... It's so pungent.

[screams] Oh, my God!

- [Mia, Lidia scream]
- [music ends]

- [all panting]
- [skunk chitters]

- My phone!
- [Lidia grunts]

[Lidia groaning]

[Mia sighs]

[phone clatters]

That's not mine. It was just there.

Do you think there's a family?
Go see if there's more.

- Go look. Go look.
- [Alexander] No!

[♪ cumbia music playing]

[Val] I can't breathe.

- [Frank] It's in my hair.
- [Val] It's in my throat.

[Alexander] It's worse
than the bathroom at school.

- [Mia] Anyone else's stomach burn?
- [Val] Look. Pull over.

- [Alexander] I swallowed a bug.
- [Val] Pull over.

[Val] We gotta get out.

[Val] Okay, get out! Get out!
Get out! Get out!

- [Mia] Okay, okay.
- [gags]

- [Val panting, groaning]
- [children gagging]

[Alexander] So sorry, Mom.

[coughing, gagging]

[Lidia] Espérate. Espérate. I'm coming!

Oh!

[Lidia sighs]

- [Val] Oh, my God! It's still in my mouth.
- [Frank gags] It is so strong.

[Lidia] Oh!

Oh, it's all over everything!

[sighs]

Let me go check if they have toothpaste.

[Frank] Hey, get me some Hot Cheetos.
And deodorant.

[♪ "Shining Star" playing on speakers]

[door beeps]

[groans]

Excuse me. Do you have any deodorant?

- There.
- Okay. Thanks.

- Sorry, we had a problem... Okay.
- No. Thank you.

Hmm. Chicharrones.

[gasps] Bingo.

[♪ "Mega Medley" playing]

Nobody complain.

- This is all they had.
- Kill me now.

Do we really have to take a picture?

[Val] Yes.

- Go, go, go, go.
- Oh, okay.

Dad, I smell your armpits!

- [shutter clicks]
- [Val] Let me check.

- [Alexander coughs]
- This is one for the family album.

Now, are we good? 'Cause I gotta tinkle.

[Val] Wait! One more time, you guys.

Get together.
Act like you like your brother, please.

Hey, vato.

[shushes]

Hey, man. I'm looking for my family.

They're in, uh,
like a big green van bus kind of thing.

Have you seen them?

Do they have a cursed monkey with them?

Monkey?

- The idol?
- Yes!

Yes.

This is the third bundle of sage.
I've had to burn.

[in Spanish]

Oh, well... [stammers] ...do you know
which way that were going?

I'm a healer, okay?

I'm not a mind reader. That's ridiculous.

Oh, okay. Well, thank you very much,
healer mind reader.

Wait. Wait.

I think they said something about Sol...

"Sol" connected to "Solamar."

And "Solamar" connects to "Sal y limón,"
which I love on my chips.

- Soledad.
- Soledad! That's what I was gonna say.

I was gonna say Soledad.
That was my next word. Yes, Soledad.

- That's where they went.
- What for?

Haven't you been listening?

Oh! Yeah, to break the curse. Dummy me.

- Go!
- [engine revs]

[blowing]

[engine revving]

The silent game is really boring.

- [laughs] You lose.
- No, you lose.

- Ah!
- [Frank groans]

[laughs]

[sighs] I win. I win.

Ah, not so fast.

Grandma wins.

Yeah. Good job, Grandma.

Wait, Grandma?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
[screams]

She's not there!

- What?
- She's not in the loft.

Wait, where is she?

[door beeps]

Francisco!

- Did we just "Home Alone" my mom?
- A little bit.

- [tires screeching]
- [all screaming]

She'll be fine.

She's gonna... We're gonna
get back there in no time, okay?

[Frank] What if she gets kidnapped?
Or bitten by a snake?

God, I'm the worst son ever!

- [children screaming]
- Why is this thing so big?

- [Frank screams]
- [tires screeching]

[engine sputters, revs]

[Val] Is that as far as it goes, honey?

[Mia] You almost got it, Dad.

[Val] Right. You got the whole desert
to make this turn.

- [Val, Alexander cheering]
- [Mia] There you go.

[Val] Good job, honey.

[mooing]

[Val] I wonder who has the right of way
in this scenario?

- [Frank] Come on.
- [horn honking]

[honking fades out]

Okay.

Okay, maybe there's another way around.

- [Frank] Come on.
- Alex, sweetie, you still have that map?

Uh-huh.

- Paranoia pays off.
- A map.

Yeah. Honey, it's like your phone
but without Wi-Fi.

Right. You think you're gonna beat traffic
better than satellites.

You guys seem to forget
I am a travel writer.

I travel.
I have a great sense of direction.

- The map is upside down.
- [map rustling]

[chuckling] I knew that.

I hadn't finished opening it yet.

I think if that's this way,
we can take this road.

- Let's just turn around right here.
- [cows mooing]

Why don't we just wait?

Wait for the cows?

- No, they're gonna move.
- [Val] Hmm.

[Val] Right, they'll be quick.
Just like the phrase, "fast as a cow."

Look, Mom's been there for a while,
I just don't wanna get lost.

We're not gonna get lost. [chuckles]

It's like you don't trust me or something.

- [Frank] That's not what I was saying.
- [Val] You don't trust me?

- It was upside down. Yeah?
- Let's wait for the cows. You're right.

- No, you're right. Yeah.
- Yeah, let's just wait for the cows.

If you want to wait for the cows,
we'll wait for the cows.

[cows mooing]

- We're gonna go that way.
- Great idea.

[Mia] Cool.

Here we go.

Move out of the way cows.

[Frank] Move!

[♪ cumbia music playing]

[Frank] Whoa!

[music ends]

Wow! Life was hard before cell phones.

You know...

I think we can make it.

- What?
- That sounds like a stupid idea.

- Respectfully.
- You're gonna drive across a river?

I'd call it a stream.
Wouldn't you call it a stream?

[Val] No, I-I-I would
definitely call this a river.

[Frank] No. Look, the road is right there.

- We can get across.
- [Mia] Maybe Grandma could wait.

[Alexander] I think Grandma
would want us to all not drown.

I bet you this baby can handle it.

You know, honey, let's just...
let's just turn around.

This is definitely not the way.

- Just probably take this road, I think.
- We're gonna do it.

- What? No, honey!
- No, no, no!

[all clamoring]

- [Frank] It's gonna be good.
- [engine revs]

[Frank] Here we go. Here we go.

See?

It's not that deep.

Yeah.

- [water bubbling]
- [RV creaks]

- You see that? This is good.
- [Val] Yeah.

- [rumbling]
- Oh!

[engine revving]

- [Val] Okay.
- Oh, boy.

- What? "Oh, boy," what?
- Oh, boy.

[metal clanking]

- [Frank] We're going down the river.
- [Val] Oh, now it's a river.

[Alexander] Whoa!

- [rumbling]
- [metal clanking]

[Alexander] We're gonna drown in a desert.

- [Val] Something's happening.
- [Alexander screams]

[Val] Oh! Oh, my God!

- No, honey!
- [Mia] Oh, you guys!

[Mia] Guys, this is really bad.

[metal creaking]

- [Frank] I'm gonna us out of this.
- [Val groans]

[Alexander strains] We're floating!

We're gonna be fine. Everyone stay calm.

Help!

[Frank screams]

- [rumbling]
- [all grunt]

What was that?

[Frank sighs]

Looks like we're stuck on a rock.
We're not floating anymore.

- We're gonna be fine. This is good.
- Yeah.

- [metal clanks]
- [gasps]

- You were saying?
- [Alexander screams]

[Val] Okay. Wait. What do we do?

- Okay, everybody up.
- Oh!

[chattering, clamoring]

Uh, okay. I got you.

I can't get you all at once!

[strains, panting]

[Val] Okay. What happened
to women and children first?

[strains]

- [all straining]
- [Mia] Push.

- Come on. Push.
- We are pushing.

- [all screaming]
- [Frank] Whoa!

Oh, boy.

[all clamoring, screaming]

[Frank straining]

Give me your hand. We'll swim for it.

Is this a bad time to remind you
I don't know how to swim?

[sighs]

Val!

You have 50 bathing suits.

[Frank, Alexander straining]

[Frank sighs]

What? Uh, go.

- [groaning] Push.
- [Mia strains, sighs]

[Val] Here. Take this one.

[Alexander] Come on, Mom. You can do it.

- Okay.
- One, two, three.

- [Frank strains]
- Pull.

- Take her hand. Yeah.
- You got me?

[Val screams]

- [screams]
- Mom?

Frank!

Why did you let go?

It's impossible.

No family is this cursed.

Curse. Mia, the idol. Where'd you put it?

Uh, Mom, in the cabinet under the sink.

- You have to go get it.
- The what?

- We left the idol. We don't have it.
- Yes, we do!

- The green one. The monkey thing.
- I threw it away.

No, you didn't. It followed us.

Mom, please!

- Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
- [all clamoring]

You guys are not allowed
to watch TV anymore.

- [Frank] Ever?
- Ever.

[sighs]

[Val strains, grunts]

- Honey, why would you drop me?
- You okay?

- I didn't drop you. You let go.
- You know I can't swim.

- You know I can't swim.
- I'll be right back.

- Wait. Alex!
- No!

[grunting]

Come on!

[♪ throat singing]

Almost there.

[grunts]

- Have you lost your mind?
- No, no. Dad, let me go!

- Yes, you have. Come on.
- No! No!

No! The curse! No! No!

- [Alexander screams]
- [Val grunts]

[sighs]

- [panting]
- The idol?

I'm sorry.

[both straining]

[both panting]

So what do we do now?

[Val panting]

[Val scoffs]

[air mattress beeps, hisses]

- Alex, come here.
- Come here.

[Alexander] I regret this.

Oh, God! Don't... Not so fast.

- Not so fast. Not so fast. Okay.
- [Frank] Okay. All right. Here we go.

- [Val] She was right. It is firm.
- [Frank strains]

[metal creaking]

[engine revving]

[♪ "Black Betty" playing]

The curse is real.

- [engine stops]
- [music ends]

I guess you finally
wore out your welcome, huh?

So, where are they?

What are you doing here?

I got a call from Val,
and she's yelling and screaming,

and then the line went dead.

I've been trying to get a hold of her
for hours and nada.

I came down here
to see if my family was safe.

- Come on.
- Oh! [chuckles]

What? I wouldn't wanna be out here
when the sun goes down.

I can take care of myself, old man.

Suit yourself.

But when they ask me,

"What did she want
to put on her gravestone?"

I'll say, "She chose to die alone
rather than to ride with a real Mexican."

Oh!

You think that just because
you've got eagles and snakes

tatted all over you,

that that makes you a real Mexican?

- Yeah.
- [scoffs]

I hear the nonsense
that you feed Alexander all the time

about being tough and...
and cursing and fighting.

And that is not our culture!

He doesn't want to hear
about your grandma's cooking.

I don't know if you've noticed, Gilbert,
but that boy is frightened of you.

You ought to try
to just talk to him sometime.

[engine starts]

[in Spanish]

[speaks Spanish]

[in English] I don't know
what I did in life to deserve this.

Hey, you're not the first honey
to climb on this bike.

- [Lidia groans]
- Vamos, princesa.

Call me princesa one more time,
and I'll be the last.

- [engine revving]
- [Lidia exclaims]

I'm gonna fall off! I'm gonna fall off!

- I'm gonna fall off!
- Is that a promise?

[Lidia] Gilbert!

- Little help?
- Yeah.

Oh, boy! Worms, worms.
There's worms. Let's go.

- Oh, God. [sighs]
- [vultures squawking]

[Mia] There are literally vultures
circling overhead.

[Frank] Alex.

Alex, what were you thinking?

- You could have drowned.
- [Alexander] So what?

I lost the idol.

- We're gonna be cursed forever.
- [Frank] That's enough.

I don't wanna hear
about this curse stuff anymore.

Why did you take it out of the trash can?
That's gross, dude.

I didn't. It followed us. Right, Mia?

[stammers] It appeared out of nowhere.
It's really creepy.

[Alexander] See?

[Frank sighs]

Okay. Guys, stop talking about the idol.
Right now is not the time.

When is the right time?

Should I wait
till we're falling off a cliff?

Honey, I've told you a thousand times.
It's just a fairy tale.

No, it's not. The curse is real.

- We've crashed two RVs.
- [sighs]

We lost our grandma.
Who loses their grandma?

And Dad's losing his restaurant!

We are cursed!

- What is he talking about?
- [Frank stammers]

Your landlord called earlier.
He said the restaurant's closing.

[sighs]

- [sighs]
- [Val] Close...

Frank, is that true?

When were you planning on telling me?

Hey, look. I... I am so sorry.

I just... I knew how excited
you were about this trip,

and I...
I just didn't wanna ruin it for you.

Too late. Ruined.

Uh, you should have told me.

[Frank] When?
Between the skunk spraying us,

and you losing my mom?

- I did not lose your mom.
- [scoffs]

It's all my fault.

Now, see what you did?

Sweetheart, look.
This is a horrible day, yes.

- But it is not your fault.
- It is not your fault, bud.

It is your fault!

- Mine?
- Yeah.

I'm sorry. Did somebody else lie to me
and drive us into a river?

[imitating Frank] Oh, it's not that deep.

I'd call that a stream.
Wouldn't you call that a stream?

I'd still call it a stream!
It was a stream upriver.

And we wouldn't be on this trip
if it wasn't for your dumb article.

Oh! Oh, my dumb article is
why we ended up in the river?

[Frank] No. We ended up in the river

because you still don't know
how to read a map.

- Nobody knows how to read a map!
- Everyone knows how to read a map.

[Alexander] Hey, dummies! Over here.

You know, I told you
we shouldn't go on this trip...

[pants]

...but you never listen to me!

[sighs]

You keep pretending this is all normal,
but it's not.

This is not normal!

[pants]

You're the crazy ones!

No, Alex.

Just give him a minute.

- [sighs] Mia, will you watch after him?
- Yeah.

- [Val sighs]
- Val, let's...

No.

[Mia] Alex!

Alex!

Get away from me.

Leave me alone.

[sighs] Come on, Alex.

[Alexander sighs]

I said leave me alone.

When you jumped back in the camper,
that was really stupid.

But also pretty badass.

Did I look like an Avenger?

[chuckles] Okay. I didn't say all that.

How are we gonna break the curse now?

We'll never get the idol back to Soledad.

It's impossible.

Well, we've been living
with the curse this long.

I mean, how much worse
could a day possibly get?

- [bird squawking]
- [wings fluttering]

[Mia] Mom, Dad?

- [growling in distance]
- [bird squawks]

Mom!

Dad!

- Help!
- [both] Oh!

- [Val] Alex!
- Mia!

- [horse neighs]
- Whoa!

[in Spanish]

[both gasp]

[in English] Drink.

[Val, Frank] Mia!

- Drink.
- [Val] Alex, Mia!

- Oh, here. Honey!
- [Frank] Oh!

[Val] What happened?

- Sweetheart, be careful with that horse.
- [Frank sighs]

Who's this?

Uh, I... I think she wants to help us.

[in Spanish]

- Honey. Yes.
- Uh, oh, uh, hola. Uh...

[speaking Spanish]

Nice.

[continues in Spanish]

[stammers]

- What's the word I'm...
- Oh! Oh, yeah.

- It's on the tip of my tongue. Muy...
- [speaks Spanish]

[Val] Uh, God. It's long.

[both stammering]

- Lost-o.
- [horse blusters]

Really, you guys? Lost-o?

- We wanna hear you trying.
- It sounded close.

- It's very close.
- It did not.

Like, um... casa?

- Casa?
- Yes. No, we're not in the casa.

- We are far from our casa.
- [Frank speaks Spanish]

- Casa...
- No, with the river...

- Tell her about the river.
- Uh...

- The, uh... [imitates whooshing]
- The river... Yes.

[Frank]
Oh! How do you say, "ancient curse"?

[Mia] Why are you asking me? I don't know.

[Frank] Like a...

- And then we swimming, swimming...
- Yeah.

[in Spanish]

- Lost-o. Lost-o! Lost-o.
- [horse neighs]

- Hey, stop saying that.
- [groans]

[in Spanish]

[cowgirl laughs]

- [laughs]
- [horse blusters]

[all laughing]

[in English] Why's she pointing at me?

I don't know what you just said,
but that was funny.

[in Spanish]

Alexander.

[Frank, Val speak Spanish]

- Thank you. Okay.
- [speaks Spanish]

- Yeah.
- Where? Oh!

- I heard casa.
- Yeah. Let's go.

[Val] I would like to go
to any casa right now.

- What did I just say?
- [Val] I don't know, honey.

You've gotta work on your conjugation.

[Mia] You guys went to college, right?

- Hey, do we know where we're going?
- [Frank] Not a clue.

- This place is...
- Amazing.

[♪ "Raíz" playing]

[Val gasps]

It's cool.

[Alexander gasps] Look at this.

[speaks Spanish]

- [person speaks Spanish]
- This place is beautiful.

Oh, wow!

Chavo.

- Uh, Frank, Val, Al... Alex?
- Val, hi.

- Y Mia.
- Frank.

- [both speak Spanish]
- [Chavo chuckles]

Um... [stammers]

[in Spanish]

[in English] Hey,
I would love some help. Yes?

- Oh!
- Oh!

- English.
- Yeah.

This is gonna be so much easier.

- Okay.
- He's a great cook.

Yeah, but I've never made cactus before.

[sighs] Nopales are the best.
We eat them all the time down here.

Oh! So, uh, down...

You know, down here.

[birds chirping]

In Mexico.

- We're in Mexico?
- [Chavo speaks Spanish]

Wow. Mom is really bad
at reading maps, huh?

- Okay, this is great. We made it.
- [Frank] Yeah. Yeah... No, wait. No.

- This is good. This is good.
- This is great... [gasps]

How are we gonna get back?

Our passports were in the RV.

- [Frank sighs]
- [Chavo] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hang on.

You guys are undocumented?

Um...

- Technically, we... We have...
- I mean...

- We have papers.
- [Val] Just they're not...

- We're from here, but now...
- Now we are from there.

[Frank] We're from there.
Our people are from here.

[Val] Well, I don't... [mutters]

- Ah! [laughs]
- [laughs]

Just messing with you.

- Oh. [sighs]
- [Frank chuckles]

You scared us.

We don't care.
We really, really, really don't care.

It's the other way, they care. [laughs]

[♪ "Pájaro Cenzontle" playing]

[no audible dialogue]

[no audible dialogue]

[no audible dialogue]

[chattering in Spanish]

[speaks Spanish]

- [Val] Ah! Kind of sweet.
- [Frank] All right, buddy.

- [Val] Yes.
- Two tacos for you.

[gasps] My God, it looks amazing.

[chattering in Spanish]

[Frank] Yes.

- [Chavo] Mmm.
- [Lupe] Mm-hmm.

- Mmm.
- [Chavo] Mmm. Mmm. You were right!

- [Frank, Val chuckle]
- Those are some crazy flavors.

I've never had nopales like this before.

You should make more food like this.
This is delicious, Dad.

Mmm. Love it.

- This feels like you.
- [Lupe] Mmm.

- Yeah?
- Maybe for your new restaurant?

- [chuckles]
- Hmm.

[Lidia speaks Spanish]

Hey, he says Soledad
is just about 30 minutes from here.

Here.

- Gil.
- Hmm?

Come on.

Oh. No, thanks.

You know,
I-I thought it would be different.

- What?
- It looks like East Bakersfield,

- only bigger.
- [chuckles]

Well, you've been here before, right?

[chattering]

- Gil.
- What?

You've never been to Mexico, have you?

[sighs]

All those years!

Pocha this and pocha that.

[imitates Frank] I'm from the barrio.

I'm real, real Mexican.

And you couldn't even take
a simple road trip.

When I was 18,
I did something really stupid,

and I couldn't get a passport
for many years.

And when I finally could,
after a lot of years,

Dulce had passed on.

God bless her soul.

[sighs]

I had... had two girls to raise.

And I had two or three jobs all the time,
and... and I just... [sighs]

Well, I never came down.

- I always wanted to, but...
- [Lidia] Like my father always said,

"Better late than never."

By the way, Val doesn't know any of this.

Don't worry. She never will.

Okay.

But I will.

I'll know...

forever.

- Get on the bike, vieja.
- [Lidia laughing]

- [goat bleats]
- [screams]

[sighs] Of course goats hate me.

[Frank] I'm sorry I lied to you.

You know, it's... It's really hard
admitting to your family that you failed.

You haven't failed.

Yeah, I have.

If it wasn't for you and your job,
who knows where we'd be.

Yeah, but my job keeps me
away from you guys.

I feel like I'm missing everything.

All the moments with you and the kids and...

- [goat bleats]
- [both laughing]

[Frank] You're a great mom, Val.

How can I be a good mom if I'm never here?

You're here for the important stuff.

Thank you.

So, are we going home?

I mean, that'd be nice,
but we don't have passports.

I could call my friend
at the State Department.

She owes me a favor.

[Mia] Okay, Mom. I see you.

Just casually dropping
having friends in high places.

- I do know some people.
- [Mia chuckles]

I mean, that is cool,
but you gotta remember,

we don't have wheels.

[in Spanish]

Okay.

Well, I don't know
if you guys will go for this,

but I've got this old truck.

I just sold it to a guy up in Albuquerque,

and I was gonna drive it there myself.

But if you guys would be willing to do it...

- Um...
- Um... I mean, it is on the way.

- [Chavo] Yeah?
- Yeah.

Yeah. Right? I mean, we just go that way.

- Thank you so much. Oh, my God.
- [Frank] This is so great. Oh, man.

We promise we won't wreck
the third car on this trip.

- [Frank] It's not gonna happen.
- [Val] No.

[Frank] We will treat it like it's ours.
It's automatic, right?

And here it is. [speaks Spanish]

[Alexander sighs]
I miss the Pathwinder XR.

Bro, I miss the camper.

[Chavo speaks Spanish]

So, the transmission slips
and the brakes are a little loose.

And the steering is a little wonky.

So it runs great.

[chuckles]

There you go.

[Val, Chavo speak Spanish]

[engine starts]

[laughing]

[♪ ice cream truck jingle
playing on speakers]

- [speaks Spanish]
- [laughs]

[in Spanish]

[in English] Hello. You've reached
the voice mail of Lidia.

Please leave a message.

[Val sighs]

Still nothing?

No. No, but she's fine. [scoffs]

She's the strongest,
most independent woman I know.

[Frank] Yeah.

[sighs]

Honey, pull over.

- What?
- Yeah, pull over.

- Mia, get on the other side.
- [Mia] Oh.

She's got
that one angular side that works.

- Ready?
- Okay, what are we saying?

Oh, honey. Hold on. My hair.

Uh, let's say, "Queso".

On three. One, two, three.

- [all] Queso!
- [shutter clicks]

- Honey, did it take?
- [groans]

[Val] Ooh! The blue.
This is your dad's favorite.

- Honey.
- [Frank] Huh?

[Val] Your favorite.

Ooh! The blue flavor.

[Alexander groaning]

[grunting]

- Here. I got it.
- [Alexander groans]

[sighing] Thanks.

[clattering]

Got it yet?

Got it.

[♪ throat singing]

How?

[in Spanish]

[metal clanking]

You gotta be kidding me.

[sighs]

No way. [panting]

- Alex!
- [hand brake clicking]

Open these, honey.
They're literally just plastic.

No, it's got...
[stammers] ...different plastic.

- You're gonna mess it up.
- You gotta do it from the bottom.

It's moving. It's moving!

- [Val screams] What is happening?
- [Frank] Hey! Push the brake!

- [Val] Alexander! Mia!
- [Frank] Push the brake!

[Alexander grunting]

Oh, God. I think that this thing
is trying to kill us.

[Alexander grunts]

- [screams, strains]
- [hand brake clicking]

It's stuck!

- [Frank] Push the brakes!
- [Val] Honey, go faster!

- Push... This is...
- Faster.

- [Val] Drop the paleta.
- [Frank] Fair enough.

- [Mia gasps]
- [tires squealing]

[♪ "La Cucaracha" playing on speakers]

Seat belt! Seat belt! [screams]

[groans] The brakes aren't working.

I guess Chavo wasn't kidding.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God!

Don't close your eyes. You're driving!

- [screams]
- [tires squealing]

- [tires squeal]
- Call for help.

Okay. [pants]

[both scream]

- I want my mom!
- Me too!

- [Val grunting]
- [Frank panting]

- [Frank] Gym membership? [pants]
- As soon as we get back!

[tires squealing]

[Alexander screaming]

Okay, hold on!

[sign squeaking]

- Oh! Oh!
- [Mia] Oh, my God!

[both screaming]

Is that a cliff?

- Now's a good time to pray!
- [both screaming]

[air hissing]

- [Mia sighs, pants]
- [metal creaking]

[Mia panting]

- [Mia sighs]
- [panting]

[creaking continues]

Okay. Okay.

Come on. [panting]

[Alexander] Mia?

Come on. Get down.

- [Val] Oh, thank goodness!
- [Frank panting]

Mom!

- [Val] Oh. Oh, are you okay?
- H-How did you... Huh?

- [Val] Are you okay?
- I'm okay.

- Oh! That must've been scary.
- You okay? You all right, buddy?

- [Val] Oh!
- Good job, buddy.

That was the finest piece of driving
I've ever seen in my life!

Oh, God. You can borrow the car
anytime you want to.

Thanks, but I think
I'm just gonna Uber from now on.

- We're alive.
- You're alive, buddy.

[metal creaking]

[all screaming] No, no, no, no.

[♪ ice cream truck jingle
playing on speakers]

[all clamoring]

[all screaming]

[coughs] Oh, my...

[♪ throat singing]

[Frank] Is that...

[Val] How did that...

[Alexander] No way.

That's it.

- Watch me get rid of this curse now!
- [Val] Wait!

- Stop, Dad! Don't, please.
- [Val] Frank.

[Alexander panting]

The idol.

[pants] The way it keeps coming back
to us, it just can't be an accident.

That would be
like getting hit by lightning

and bitten by a shark
twice on the same day.

And he would know.

Alejandro took something
that didn't belong to him.

So whether we believe in the curse or not,

it's up to us to take it back
where it belongs.

It wants to go home.

I know, sweetie. But we don't even know
where we are right now.

I know where we are. Look.

Soledad.

Is that...

[Val chuckles]

- We're here?
- [laughs]

- There's no way.
- Come on. Let's go.

- [Val sighs]
- Yeah, but it's so far.

- It's really far.
- It's really far.

I mean, the sign is, like, this big.

I mean, that hill is just...

That must mean it's at least...

[♪ "Chéni (Miedo)" playing]

[no audible dialogue]

[Mia, Val] Whoa. [chuckling]

[Frank] Oh! Hey.

[fireworks exploding]

[chattering]

- [Val gasps]
- Are you seeing this, hon?

- Yeah.
- Is it like this everyday in Mexico?

[sniffs, sighs]

I sure hope so.

Wait, I'm so confused.
I thought this place burned down.

Yeah, it doesn't look like it.

- Wait, wait, wait.
- [chattering]

Do you guys hear that?

- [chattering continues]
- Oh!

What... No, no, no, no, no. Alex.

- [sighs] This kid.
- [sighs] Do we have to run?

- [Alexander] Excuse me. Sorry! Make way.
- [chattering]

[grunts]

- I'm telling you, Gilbert...
- Grandma!

- Ah! Alex! [laughs]
- Hey!

[Lidia] Where is your... Where's the family?

- Oh, my God!
- [Val] Oh, my God!

- [Frank gasps] Mom!
- Oh, mijo!

[chattering]

[Frank] I'm so sorry.
I-I don't even know what happened.

[Lidia] I know what happened.

- You forgot me. [laughs]
- No. No. It's not...

It's okay. It's okay.

[laughing] It turns out
I was in good hands.

- Oh, Dad.
- [Lidia laughing]

- [Gilbert] Hey, I'm a hero.
- Thank you.

- [Gilbert] It's just what I do. [chuckles]
- Hey, uh, I think we have to go in there.

- [Gilbert] Where?
- [Val] Where?

Look.

- [Frank] Come. Follow me.
- [Val] I know.

- [Val gasps]
- [Mia] Oh, my God.

[Val] Oh, my. Wow!

Wow.

[gasps]

[Alexander] I think the fire
helped them find water.

- Correct.
- [Frank] Oh!

- [Frank] Hi.
- Hi.

- We'd love to know more about the story.
- Yeah.

- [Frank] We're from out of town.
- [Val] Yeah.

The fire of 1905
destroyed the town of Soledad.

But when they cleared away
the burned buildings,

they discovered
a natural spring underground.

They started bottling the water,
and it took off.

It has been the lifeblood
of Soledad ever since.

God, it's a shame, Dad,

that Alejandro
never got to see the town thrive.

You already know the legend of Alejandro?

- Actually, he was my abuelo.
- [Lidia] Mm-hmm.

[curator] So you are the descendants
of Alejandro Damian Morales?

Yes.

And we have the idol that he took.

We brought it back.

- Follow me.
- [all exclaim]

- [Val] Okay.
- Excuse me, Mayor Menéndez.

We have a family
that say they are the descendants

- of Alejandro Damian Morales.
- [Alexander sighs]

Well, welcome.

[panting]

You have the original idol?

[sighs]

Go ahead.

That idol has been in our family
for over a hundred years.

[Frank, Mia, Val] Yeah.

That may be true.

- Why does she have a soda?
- [scoffs]

Hey, wait, wait. What are you doing?

- [Frank] Hey!
- [Lidia speaks Spanish]

[all gasping]

[Val] That's why we shouldn't
let the kids drink soda.

- You owe us a new one now.
- Yeah.

I'm sorry, but this is not the relic
that Alejandro took.

- Yo, trust me. It is.
- [Frank laughing] Yes.

No. The real idol has been
in our town hall for over a century.

[speaks Spanish]

[Val gasps]

What?

[Alexander] But how?

This... This doesn't make sense.

What? [sighs]

So we're not cursed.

Alejandro wasn't cursed?

Hmm. We're not cursed.

We all just need
our driver's licenses taken away.

[Val] She's not wrong.
We did blow up a truck.

- [Frank] I gotta call Chavo.
- [groans]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[Frank] Is this seat taken?

- You know what?
- [sighs]

You are cursed.

You're cursed with parents
who didn't take you seriously.

And we're sorry.

[sighs] You're just trying
to make me feel better.

Face it.

Skunk. Truck exploding.

If that's not a curse then what is it?

[Val] Honey, it's called life.

If this trip has proved anything,
it's that things can go wrong.

But most of the time, they don't.

And I'd hate for you
to spend all that time worrying.

'Cause then you're gonna miss out
on all the good stuff.

You're so full of magic, kid.

On this trip alone.

The way you spoke to Lupe for us.

And if you hadn't taken that air bed.

- Your bad luck saved our lives.
- [Alexander] Hmm.

You're so special, sweetheart.

[kisses]

[Alexander sniffles]

[gasps] Oh!

Oh, I'm not being left out of this.

- I wanna get in on this too.
- [Frank, Val chuckling]

[Mia] Okay.

[Frank] Someone smells terrible.

- [laughing]
- [Mia] I wonder who.

- [Lidia] We all do.
- [Frank] It's not me.

- [Alexander] Mom.
- Yeah?

Can we do this vacation again next year?

- [Val groans]
- Please?

[chuckles]

- Please, Mom.
- [Val] Okay.

- You guys are definitely out of your mind.
- Come on.

- Hey, I wanna go too.
- Yeah!

- [laughing]
- Yes.

Yes, we can do this vacation again.

But only if you let us do the worrying.

That's what parents are for.

[Alexander chuckles]

[Val chuckles]

But we really should change.

- I mean, this is... Somebody smells bad.
- [Alexander chuckles] Yeah.

[Alexander] Told you today would be crazy.

Getting home was a bit tricky
but it gave us time to explore Soledad.

Luckily, the mayor got us a hotel.

I think she felt bad for ruining our idol.

The rest of the trip
was mostly uneventful.

But today I learned an important lesson:

if bad luck is all you look for,
you're definitely gonna find it.

[♪ "Me Vale" playing]

- [speaks Spanish]
- [Mia] Mm-hmm.

[gasps]

[Mia, Val] Oh, my God.

Ma, prom.

[gasps]

[chuckles]

- [whispers] Prom.
- Oh, my God. It's gorgeous.

Seriously?

[phone rings]

Hey.

Um, do you want to go to prom with me?

[stammers] Are you asking me?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, that would be amazing.

Cool. [chuckles]
Well, I-I guess I'll see you there.

[Val] What is that smile about?

- I did it. I asked him.
- You did?

- I asked him.
- She asked him!

- [all laugh]
- [Val] Oh, my.

[fireworks whistling, exploding]

- [in Spanish]
- [in English] What?

[in Spanish]

[in English] No. [chuckles] Sí.

[in Spanish]

[fireworks whistling, exploding]

- [Lidia, in English] Come on, viejo.
- Where?

Let me teach you how to dance
like a real Mexican.

[sighs] She buys one dress,
y todo Frida Kahlo.

[Gilbert, Lidia laughing]

- [Val] Oh, my goodness.
- [gasps]

Are they dancing together?

- Together?
- [gasps]

[Mia] And not fighting.

- [Frank] It could be dance fighting.
- [Val] Could be.

Come on. Let's go dance.

- [Val] What?
- [Mia] Come on!

Come on, Alex.

[Alexander] But the best thing
about family is,

they help you see the good magic too,

'cause it's always there.

You just gotta keep an eye out for it.

[music continues]

Oh, hey. Finally gonna write that book.

What are you gonna call it?

[♪ "El Sonidito" playing]

Five, six, seven, eight. [exclaiming]

- [screaming]
- [grunting]

Why?

No, no, no! Stop. That's it.

You guys are not allowed
to watch TV anymore.

- [Frank] What about Desperate Housewives?
- [Val] Yes, that counts. [groans]

[crew] No smiles on this, okay? No smiles.

- All right. No smiles on the shot.
- [laughs]

- [Val] No smiling.
- [laughs] I'm sorry.

Trust me. This is the way.

[Frank, Val] This is the way.

I did not lose your mom.

I left her there on purpose.

- [screaming]
- We're fine! We're fine!

[both scream]

[clerk cackling]

[cackling continues]

- We're going to make it.
- [steering wheel squeaking]

- Don't show your chin. Your chin.
- My chin?

- Why?
- It's... It's... It's a skunk thing.

Sing to it.

[Val pants]

- [singing in Spanish]
- [laughing]

- [crew laughing]
- It's the only song I know.

[both screaming]

[sighs]

- Well, we make it here. It's in-house.
- All right.

We have a bucket.
Um, uh, a factory. Uh, a tub.

- We have a...
- [crew laughs]

Stop!

- How dare you? [groans]
- Well, I mean...

- [Alexander] Mia!
- Mia, don't worry.

The hair's gonna work itself out.

[crew laughing]

Is this from the RV?

No, you can't grow coffee beans on a RV.

But it's definitely from a place
that grows coffee.

The beans had a really good life.

[laughing]

Where'd everybody go?

Something I said?

Oh, this is my beat right here, you guys!

Three, two, one.

Maybe I had too much coffee.

- Maybe I had too much coffee.
- [crew laughing]

[♪ "Cumbia" playing]

[blows]