All language subtitles for The 40 Year-Old Virgin 1080p

(A life of illusion playing)

(Alarm buzzing)

(Grunts)

(Grunting)

Hey, Andy! What's up, dude?

Hey, Joe. Hey, Sara. How you doing?

When you going to get a car?

-Hey, why don't you get a car?
-I can't afford it.

(Laughing)

-So, survivor tomorrow night. We on?
-See you then.

I’ll bring a soda.
Hey, enjoy your orange.

-Okay, take care.
-See you. Bye-bye.

-That guy needs to get laid.
-Tell me something I don't know.

(Chuckles)

Good morning.

Excuse me. Pardon me.

Sorry.

(Car horn blaring)

Excuse me. Thank you.

-Good morning.
-Hey.

-Good morning, Paula.
-Andy.

Excuse me. I have a question.

What is the difference between
hi-8 and digital video tapes?

I’m not a salesman,
so, I could probably...

Welcome to smart tech.
How can I be of service to you?

Well, I was just wondering

what is the difference
between these?

Jay: Well, if I’m photographing someone
as fine as yourself,

I’d probably go digital.

(Minute by minute playing)

-My god. Sorry I’m late, man.
-No problem.

Oh, man.

-I had a weekend.
-Yeah?

We went to Tijuana, Mexico,
you know,

and we thought it would be fun,
you know, to go to this show.

Everyone's, "you gotta
check out one of these shows."

And, you know,
it's a woman fucking a horse.

We get there, and, you know,
we think it's gonna be awesome

and it is not as cool
as it sounds like it would be, man.

-It's kind of gross.
-Yeah.

You think,
"a woman fucking a horse,"

and you get there and it's

-a woman fucking a horse.
-Yeah.

Lt was really giving it to her.

And you know what,

to be honest, I felt bad for her.
We all just felt bad for her.

-Yeah.
-Kind of felt bad for the horse.

-Wow, that's something.
-So what did you get up to?

You know, I just kind of hung out.
I was...

God, Friday, when I went home,

I really wanted
an egg-salad sandwich.

And I was just obsessing about it
and I was like,

"man, I’m gonna make one of those."

So Saturday I went out
and I got, like, a dozen eggs

and I boiled them all
and then I just,

I spent, I don't know,
probably three hours,

like, three-and-a-half hours making,

you know, the mayonnaise
and the onions and paprika

and, you know, all the accoutrements.

And then, by the time I was done

I just really didn't feel
like eating it.

-I can imagine.
-And I didn't have any bread.

So, you know, it was pretty good.
Lt was a good weekend.

-Sounds pretty awesome.
-Yeah, it was fine.

Sounds really fun.

-Cool.
-Cool.

Cool, cool.

-Hey, Paula.
-Yeah.

I gotta tell you something.
I'm really excited about it.

For the first time today,
I woke up,

I came to the store, and
I feel confident to say to you

that if you don't take
this Michael McDonald DVD

that you've been playing
for two years straight, off,

I’m going to kill everyone
in the store

and put a bullet in my brain.

-David, what do you suggest we play?
-I don't care. Anything.

I would rather watch
beautician and the beast.

I would rather listen
to Fran Drescher for eight hours

than have to listen
to Michael McDonald.

Nothing against him, but if I hear
yah mo b there one more time

I’m gonna yah mo burn this place
to the ground.

You're such a smart ass.
Get back on the floor.

(Garbled) Fuck you.

(Clears throat)

This is a great TV.
Nothing beats a plasma.

What are you doing?
That's my customer.

Lt certainly is not. When I came
upon her, she was unattended.

-No, that's my...
-Wait.

Go to the checkout there.
Pick up there, please.

She was unattended
because I went to the back

to get the brochure
that she requested.

I apologize, but it's too late.
The transaction has been completed.

Then you're gonna give me
half the commission.

You'll receive
none of the commission.

I need to talk to Paula.
This is crazy.

This is bullshit.

Every time I make a sale,
you go crying to Paula.

How about Jesse Jackson?
Old Jesse needs a cause.

-Sick of you poaching my customers.
-I’m sick of your crybaby bullshit.

You wanna take this shit outside?
Just take it outside and squash it?

Let's stay inside, so everybody can
see what a pussy you have, okay?

Because when I remove the blade
I keep in my boot from its sheath

I can't return it
until it has spilled blood.

Look, listen to me. You are fucking
with the wrong nigger.

Hey! You're fucking
with the wrong sand-nigger, okay?

Dude, I will hang your old ass
by your turban.

Turban now?
Do you see any fucking turban here?

Do I talk like a turban guy?

Do I say, "hey, Jay, do you want
a slurpee? You want a slurpee?"

Fuck you, okay?
I was born in Brooklyn.

Brooklyn, okay?

My accent is a fucking
Brooklyn accent, okay? Okay?

All right, man. Calm down, dude.

Look, you still covering
my shift on Friday or what?

If I can keep this commission,
with pleasure.

-Cool, then. All right, pop.
-No problem.

-How about Andy?
-No.

Come on, man.
We need, what, five guys

-to play a decent poker game, right?
-Yeah.

If we cancel this,
I’m gonna have to go

to some stupid-ass
birthday party with Jill

and that shit ain't happening.

-No.
-David: Why not?

'Cause he's a really nice guy
and all, but I’m pretty sure that

he is a serial murderer.

Who cares, man? He's a nice guy.

I just wanna get drunk, fucked up,
and play some cards.

That's great. Look, I don't wanna
end up a lampshade

in some creepy apartment,
that's what I’m saying.

I don't really see
any other options.

Andy. My man.

You got any plans later on tonight?

Why, do we have to unload
the Sony truck?

No, the guys are getting together,
we're playing some poker,

thought, you know, you'd wanna play.

With you guys?

Yeah, sure. That would be cool.

-You know how to play, right?
-Yeah, I play online sometimes.

-We're gonna play in the store.
-Great.

Are we allowed to do that?

-Absolutely not.
-Yeah.

Oh.

Well, so I’m gonna go tell Paula.

I’m just kidding.

I’m kidding. That sounds great.
Cool, I’ll see you guys tonight.

-1 0:00?
-All right.

(Clattering)

Oops.

-I almost feel guilty.
-No, you don't.

Going down!

Dumbass.

And a full house.

Jay: Oh, my Dukes!
Mooj: What?

How much fucking online poker
do you play, dawg?

For like an hour or two a night,
when I’m not playing halo.

Why did you invite this guy?
He's a fucking ringer, man.

This is hog shit.

You, you're a fucking asshole
to tell me to come here.

You tell me he was a nice guy,
didn't you?

Well, fuck you people.
Fuck you, you, and you.

Fuck and kiss
my big brown fucking ass, okay?

Jay: I’m gonna see you tomorrow.

-Peace.
-All right, man.

Fuck a goat.

(All laughing)

-Good night.
-I love that guy.

Dude, you totally...
Oh, shit, I gotta go. Damn.

About to go see Ellen
in a little bit.

Going now? Late-night action, huh?

Dude, you know how it goes.

Does your girlfriend know about
all these late-night visits?

It's like an unspoken agreement.
Yeah.

It's like a completely and utterly
unspoken agreement.

If you knew her, if you knew
who I was dealing with,

you wouldn't be saying this shit.

There's nothing you can't do
with this woman,

straight up and down.
I’ve done every single thing

I could possibly create.
I’ve literally lubed up

and made love to the arches
of her feet. All right.

-Wow!
-Jay: Yeah.

-Foot fuck!
-That's sick, man.

-Wow.
-That is not sick.

-I will give you sick.
-Oh, shit.

I was sleeping with a woman
recently, she had the...

-Her tits were unbelievable.
-Oh, man, I love titties.

And so we're doing it
and I’m about to finish

-and her dog starts licking my ass.
-Oh, dude, why...

I swear to god, I have to decide,
do I finish or do I stop the dog?

I know your nasty ass. He finished.

I finished.
And then I stole the dog.

No, I didn't, but...

You know, sometimes,
Amy and I would make love

till it was almost like
we weren't two people

but we were two spirits
or something.

Our souls were connected
in this way, I can't describe it.

Time stood still. Lt was like
we were sharing the same heart.

Stop, man! Why do you always come
and kill the vibe with those things?

"Sharing the same heart,"
that's like some

Britney Spears shit, man.

This is three grown ass men,
don't nobody want to hear that shit.

Yeah, man, come on,
nobody wants to hear that shit.

Thank you, Andy.
Dude, you broke up two years ago.

-You get over it at some point.
-Two years, man.

You need to get past that

because no ass
is worth thinking that much about,

I always say.

Andy, do me a favor.

Would you please help him redeem
himself by telling a real sex story?

Cal: Yes.

I don't, you know what,
I’m a gentleman and I don't...

I don't kiss and tell.

Fuck it, I raise you.
Nastiest shit you've ever done.

I’m talking about nasty.

Wow.

So many stories are
running through my head right now.

I dated this girl

for a while,
and she was really a nasty freak.

She just loved to get down
with sex all the time.

She was like, any time of day,
she was like,

"yeah, let's go. I’m so nasty."

And I’d be nailing her.

-Oh, shit.
-She'd be like,

"oh, you're nailing me. Cool."

-She talk dirty to you?
-She loved to dirty-talk.

Totally into it. She'd be like,

"yeah, let's screw, let's...
I wanna fuck."

God, it was so dirty.

She'd be like, "me so horny,
me love you long time."

So...

-Jay: So what were the titties like?
-Yeah, describe her...

Yeah, she had great tits.

No, I mean like, detailed.
Did she have, like, you know,

-them little pink teeny nipples.
-Oh, yeah.

Jay: Or like the long
national geographic nipples.

You have like the bumpy braille
nipples, the Stevie wonders.

Andy: Yeah, they were nice.

You know, when you, like, you grab
a woman's breast and it's...

And you feel it and

it feels like a bag of sand
when you're touching it.

Bag of sand?

You know what I mean.
Why don't we just play?

Why don't you just deal the cards?

What are you talking about?

Have you ever felt
a breast before, man?

Yes.

-Dude, are you gay?
-No, I’m not gay.

I’ve been with tons of women.

I touched a guy's balls
at Hebrew school once.

Dude, it's not a big deal.
You like to fuck guys.

I’m cool. I got friends
who fuck guys, in jail.

No, I’m not gay.

No, I’ve borked a lot of women
in my day.

You've "borked"?

Hold up. Yo, answer this question:

Are you a virgin?

Yeah, not since I was 1 0.

Lt all makes sense. You're a virgin.

-I am... shut up.
-How does that happen?

He's a fucking virgin.

I knew it. That makes so much
sense, man. Look, he's a virgin.

-You guys are hilarious.
-All right, come on, don't be mean.

I’m not being mean.
I’m trying to help the partner out.

I’m trying to say
I wanna get you laid, dude.

I understand what's going on.

You guys are so up your asses.

From now on, your dick is my dick.
I’m getting you some pussy.

(Men laughing)

A bag of sand! Come on, man!
You could do better than that.

God, me so horny? Me so stupid!

(Yelling)

Oh, come on.

(Laughing)

It's gonna be fine.
They don't even remember.

Those guys are cool.

(Alarm buzzing)

This is gonna be bad.

Andy: Yeah, well,
virgin's not a dirty word.

You know what's a dirty word,
is asshole,

and that's what you guys are.

You know, I may not have had sex,
but I could fuck you up.

Yeah.

Come on.

-Hey, David.
-Hey, Andy.

-What's up?
-Cal, good morning.

-Haziz: Hey, Andy.
-Hey.

We're gonna have to get you
some punani.

(Both guffawing)

Andy, it's going down, partner.
We're gonna be...

(Moaning)

This for you, partner, this for you.

Waves will be coming at you
on Friday, Saturday.

By Sunday,
your nuts gonna be drained.

Hey, Andy, don't let him bother you.
It's okay not to have sex.

Not everybody is a pussy magnet.

-You are... what are you? 25?
-I’m 40.

Holy shit, man.
You've got to get on that.

Life isn't about sex.
Life is about children and passion.

Yeah.

-And spirit.
-Yeah, life's about passion.

It's not about fucking
and balls and pussy.

It's about love. It's about people.

-It's about connection.
-It's all about connections.

It's not about cock and ass
and tits and butthole pleasures.

It's not about
butthole pleasures at all.

It's not about this rusty trombone
and dirty Sanchez.

-Please stop.
-And Cincinnati bow tie.

And your pussy juice cocktail
and this shit-stained balls.

-Mooj, just please stop.
-Just relax.

All right.
That's enough, party's over.

Let the virgin get back to work.

Andy!

Andy, come on. We were just kidding.

Pointless.

Andy, nobody cares
that you're a virgin.

Don't be such a baby.

They were just having fun.
They didn't mean anything.

-Get away from me, David.
-Wait a minute.

-Stop following me!
-Hold up.

Whoa, whoa.

I’m gonna have to quit my job now.

You don't have to quit your job.

You know what,
I don't wanna go out with you guys.

-Fine.
-Okay? I don't need your help.

Okay, fine, you don't have to go out
with us if you don't want.

You know what,
I respect women, I love women.

I respect them so much that
I completely stay away from them.

-Okay.
-I have a very fulfilling life.

(Playing)

And now, I am making
your silver pants blue.

Get some road burn, come on!

Come on, sucker!

(Singing) Now, pretty ladies
around the world

got a weird thing to show you

(laughing) Oh, my god!

Hey, will and grace, back to work.

Hey, Haziz,
can you just give us a second?

We're just kind of
in the middle of something.

I’m on my break, okay?

Fuck off, Haziz.
Leave us alone, all right?

-Fuck off? Fuck you!
-Fuck you!

-Fuck you! Fuck off.
-Fuck off.

I’m gonna kick you
in the nuts, asshole.

Hey, hey! Watch the language, okay?
I have a family.

Watch how you talk to me!

It's a free country, Bambi.
I can smoke out here if I want to.

Smoke my pole.

-You are a very unkind man.
-Get inside!

This is not professional.
Paula, this asshole over here...

-It's okay.
-Haziz: Paula!

It's all right. Come on.
You know, it's just...

So, how could this
not have happened?

Lt just never happened.

When I was young, I tried,
and it didn't happen.

And then I got older
and I got more and more nervous

because it hadn't happened yet.
And I got kind of

weirded out about it.
Then it really didn't happen

and then, I don't know,
I just kind of stopped trying.

Do you want to give it another shot?

Maybe it's too late.

Sometimes I feel that
it is just too late for me.

No, that's crazy.

You're 40 years old.
You know, 40 is the new 20.

You wanna spend
the next 60 years of your life

never experiencing sex?

And not just sex, but love

and a relationship, and laughing
and cuddling and all that shit.

I don't know.

-I wouldn't know what to do.
-Look, you gotta take a risk.

You gotta risk it. Look at me.

I went out with this girl
for four months

and it was the greatest,

greatest thing in my life.

Until she went down on this guy
in an Escalade, I think.

And, you know, instead of saying,

"okay, what am I doing
that caused this behavior?"

I dumped her. Stupid decision.

I spent the last two years
of my life regretting it.

Why don't you
get her back right now?

Because she's dating
this pot dealer.

Stupid horrible decision.

But, hey, that's her journey,
you know. I gotta respect that.

I gotta give her the space.

She wants to be some immature
little bitch and blow everybody,

-that's love, man.
-Lt sounds horrible.

Of course it's horrible.
It's suffering

and it's pain and it's...
You know, you lose weight

and then you put back on weight

and then you call them
a bunch of times

and you try and email and then they
move or they change their email,

but that's just love.

Do you realize
that this is the first time

we've spoken for more than,
like, 30 seconds?

Uh-huh.

-It's kind of nice.
-Come out with us this weekend.

No pressure.
We'll just have a good time.

Okay, yeah, I will.
I’ll give it a shot.

Great.

But I’m not going to have sex
with anybody.

Good, sex should be the last thing
on your mind.

(I got ants in my pants playing)

Logjam. Hi.

Shit.

Oh, god.

Sorry.

See you later. Thanks for the dance.

I’m okay. It's not right.

Oh, come on, bus!

Oh, come on, dogs!

Shit! You gotta be kidding me.

I mean, I’m kind of nervous.
I never had oral sex before.

Jennifer told me how to do it.
It's gonna kick ass.

(Screaming)

What are you doing?

-Okay, just...
-We're almost there.

(Grunts)

We have one. Houston, we have one.

You'll pull my fucking hair out!

-We did it.
-God!

Oh, my god, you came in your pants.

-What did you do?
-I had some cream of wheat.

-You know what else is sexy?
-What?

-Me
-yeah?

Sucking

on your

toe.

-That's what you want to suck on?
-Yeah.

-It's just so big and thick.
-Okay.

Yeah.

(Laughing)

That tickles.

(Screams)

I’m sorry. Oh, no.

-Your nose is bleeding.
-You think?

-I’m sorry.
-I’m hot!

But, now,
you can't have any of this.

-Mmm-hmm.
-You should just give up forever!

(Exclaiming)

(Ain't no mountain high enough
playing)

Cal, what do you think?
Ls this too yellow?

No.

What's curious George like
in real life?

Come on, man.

(J.O.D.D. Playing)

Wow, this is pretty crowded.

Yeah. Well, it's $9 beer night.

Okay, look now.

So, this is what's about to happen,
all right?

You about to go run down
some drunk chicks, all right?

And don't confuse that with tipsy.
We talking about drunk.

I want vomit in the hair,
bruised-up knees.

A broken heel is a plus.

That's what you want to find, okay?

No, Dave already told me
I didn't have to have sex tonight.

And now he's gone, so...

Dude, just stop thinking
for a minute, all right?

You ain't got to think on this one.

All you got to do
is use your instinct.

Show me your instincts.

My head, my heart.
I follow my heart.

Now, I’m gonna show you this
one time, all right?

Instincts. Show me your instincts.

-Show me your instincts.
-They're right here.

Own your instincts.

All you doing
is using your instinct. That's it.

That's how a tiger know
he got to tackle a gazelle.

There's a code written in his DNA.

-Lt says, "tackle the gazelle."
-Okay.

And believe it or not, in every man,
there's a code written that says,

-"tackle drunk bitches."
-No.

You know what,
I don't feel comfortable

hitting on drunk "bitches,"
you know.

I don't think that's right.

Okay, hold up.

First of all, you making it out
to be some kind of bad thing.

I didn't use bitches
in a derogatory sense. You did.

Lt just does...
This doesn't feel right.

Of course it don't feel right. What
has felt right for you doesn't work.

You need to try some wrong, dawg.

Okay, how do I tell
which ones are drunk?

Now you're talking.
All right, check this out.

-You see this redhead over here?
-Where?

-With the big old titties.
-I’m not gonna stare at a woman.

Dawg, I’m not telling you
to stare at nobody.

I’m telling you to use
your peripherals. Now look at me.

-See. Look. See?
-Yeah.

I’m not looking at you.

-No. I’m looking at...
-You're looking at her?

-What do you want me to do?
-I want you to use your peripherals.

See? I’m not looking at you.

Mmm-mmm. No. See, I’m looking
at the redhead at 3:00 with the big titties.

You see her, racked up right there,
see her?

-Yes.
-Yeah.

-You find one with the peripherals.
-Okay.

You see, over by the post.

Lt looks like a...

It's either a ficus,

it might be a rubber tree plant.

All right, if you're making a joke,
dawg, it's not funny.

I see a blonde
and she's very pretty.

Better, okay. All right.

-Now with your peripherals
-yeah.

You got to scope out
a hot, drunk chick.

And then you should make your move.

-Okay? All right.
-Yes.

And remember, it's more important
that she's drunk than she's hot.

For this first one. Go get her.
Peripherals, though. All the way.

All peripherals.

That boy is stubborn.

Hi, I’m Andy. You look comfortable.

-Can I get you another cocktail?
-Too drunk.

-But you got the right idea.
-But clinically alive.

-Hey!
-Yo!

I’m having trouble
finding the drunk people.

-You want to know where there's one?
-Yeah.

I. I, captain yellow shirts.

(Growls)

Okay. Have a good one.

-Yo!
-What?

I met a girl and she's here
with a bachelorette party

and they invited us
to party with them.

-Okay, that's good.
-It's so good

because no one is hornier
than a girl

who's about to watch her friend
get married to a guy.

It's so funny.

(Women whooping)

So we just decided because this is
my last night as a free woman

before I marry Dan,
that we would just wig out.

We're wigging out!

You guys are hilarious.

Wait a minute.

Yes, Mr. President.
Yes, the erection results are in.

(All laughing)

Hey, guys, look,
it's Dr. Seuss' penis.

I really mean this.

Hey, everybody,
who wants penis cake?

I do.

-Cal: She does.
-Hey, you guys, Betty cocker.

(All laughing)

What a good guy. What a...

Dan, the guy Robin's marrying,

is such a good guy.

He sounds like a good guy.

I hated him for like two years
'cause he cheated on me.

-Oh.
-But

he's really changed now.

-He's a really good guy now.
-Your friends seem nice.

You have really kind eyes,
you know that?

Thanks. Your hat has sequins.

(Both tittering)

-You have your hands on my belt.
-What?

-Your hands are on my belt.
-I’m sorry.

It's good.

You're cute.

This is kind of lame.
You wanna get out of here?

Okay, yeah. So lame.

-Yeah.
-Fuck.

-Come on.
-Okay.

You wanna drive?

I don't have
a car with me here, so...

That's cool, I’ll just suck it up.

(Grunting)

I’m driving.

Are you drunk?

No, I didn't have anything to drink.

-Blow into this?
-Okay.

(Beeping)

-What is this?
-The judge recommended I get one.

(Engine starting)

(Get ur freak on playing
on car stereo)

Whoa, okay. Wow. That's fast.

-Okay.
-Come on, you're on a lasso.

(Giggling)

(Singing) Missy be putting' it down

I'm the hottest round

I told y'all mother-uhh

y'all can't stop me now

listen to me now

I'm lasting' 20 rounds

and if you want me people

then come on get me now

and Dan's like,
"you're such a b-l-t-c-h, bitch!"

(Tires screeching)

And I’m like,
"you're the bitch, bitch."

-You know?
-Uh-huh. Yeah.

Who's your name again?

-Andy.
-Andy.

Let me tell you something, Andy.
Don't ever be named Dan.

Dan rhymes with man,
and men jerk off.

And he was a jerk-off.

-Do you know what I mean?
-Look out! The car!

-Wow.
-I like you.

You're not a Jack

off.

I think I ate some
bad shellfish sandwich or something.

-You're cute.
-No.

-That tasted good.
-That tasted like shellfish.

Look out! Sorry.

Watch it!

(Exclaiming)

-Do you think I’m pretty?
-Oh, yes.

Oh, god, yes!

-You're not looking at me.
-Yes, you're pretty.

Do you think I’m pretty? Look at me.

-Look at me!
-I’m looking! You're pretty!

God, I just wanna live!

God, I hope I get my period soon.

-I am in a bad mood.
-Okay.

I’m so tired.

Hey, whoa!

(Glass shattering)

Oh, god! Turn away!

Hey, hands off the wheel.

You're not gonna get in my pants
acting like that.

I’m starving.

Let's get some fucking French toast.

(Tires screeching)

-Okay, here we are.
-Oh, god, we made it.

Nicky: Home sweet home.

Oh, mommy!

(Screeching)

(Panting)

-Are you okay?
-The fucker came out of nowhere.

Okay. We're okay.

(Laughing)

(Crying)

Are you okay?

Well, are you... what's the matter?

(Gasps)

I’m sorry.

That's okay.
I think I kind of had that coming.

I’ll still have sex with you
if you want.

You know what, I think I'm gonna
pass on the sex, if you don't mind.

At least I don't have
to work out tomorrow.

-Did you have a daiquiri tonight?
-Yeah.

I thought you might.

Lt was a very bad night.

(All laughing)

Yeah, laugh.

You know what, you guys
wouldn't be laughing right now

if some girl had just vomited
shellfish sandwich into your mouth.

(Grunts)

You know what, you're right,
it's my bad.

Let me apologize to you
first of all

for not mentioning in detail that
when you pick up a drunk woman

who's falling down on her way
out of the bar

-that you should probably drive.
-I drive a bike.

Okay, Mr. Schwinn-fucking-Armstrong,
who asked you to drive a bike?

You know what, I’m not
the only person in the world

who rides a bike.

Yeah, everyone rides a bike,
when they're fucking six.

Why don't you kiss something?

Because this is over,
you guys, okay?

Can I just interject for a second?

(Stuttering) Let me just say

you're putting the pussy up
on this pedestal.

You're just building
the pussy up, man.

What are you even talking about?

"Building the pussy up,"
what does that mean?

You making the pussy into this great
big Greek goddess named Pussalia

and what you're doing is

you're psyching yourself into
thinking it's some impossible feat.

Yeah, I think you're right.

I’m putting the pussy up
on a pedestal.

-Jay: Right.
-That's it.

It's "Pussalia," right?

-Look where you going.
-I don't wanna say the word anymore.

-Say what word?
-"Pussy." I don't wanna say it.

Fuck it.
"Pussy" is a scientific word.

Dude! New pants, man.

You know what, Dave?

You know, you said there wasn't
gonna be any pressure at all.

-I’m not pressuring you.
-Excuse me.

Can one of you guys help me, please?

No hablo English, lady.

I actually am helping
a customer right now.

-Okay, well...
-I’m on break.

But our stock supervisor
is very knowledgeable.

He can answer all of your questions
and he'd love to help you.

Thank you.

-Have a nice day.
-You, too.

-Great, okay. Hi, I’m Trish.
-Hi, Andy is my name.

-This one looks pretty good.
-You don't wanna buy that VCR.

I don't?

No, actually to be
totally honest with you

you don't wanna buy any VCR.

It's a dead technology.

It's like getting
an eight-track player.

-Yeah.
-Or a BetaMax.

You know what,
actually I’d recommend this one.

This is a dual.
You've got the VCR and DVD combo.

So, you know, that technology
would be probably pretty good for...

-Six months or so?
-Yeah.

That's good.

At best. Sorry.

-No.
-As good as it gets.

Okay, that sounds good, then.

Okay, all right.

(Cal speaking Spanish)

-It's perfect.
-Sorry.

Coming through.

Okay.

God, you know, it's so funny,
I work right across the street

and I’ve never been in this place.

-Really? Where at?
-Yeah.

The "we sell your stuff on eBay"
store.

-Yes.
-And that's the name?

Yeah, I was looking for something,

you know, obvious. So I chose that.

I don't understand.
So, what, you do what?

Well, I take the stuff
that you don't want

and then I "sell" it on eBay.

But you don't actually sell anything
in the store?

No. I don't.

So why do you have a store?

I don't know.

No, I think it's because, you know,
I wanna maybe look professionaI

and not like a crazy person who's
just gonna steal all your shit.

Sure. I didn't
mean anything by that.

No, it's okay.

You know what, you should come by
sometime if you want, you know,

see it for yourself, check it out.

I’ll check out your empty store.

Yeah, it's the one across the street
that's not empty.

(Laughing)

Here's my number. So...

-All right.
-So, just anytime.

Why do I need your number
if you're across the street, though?

I don't really have a good answer
for that, Andy. I just...

-Sorry.
-Just giving it to you.

So I’ll write you up, and I’ll
meet you over at the register.

-Okay.
-And check you out... check out.

-Okay, see you over there.
-Okay.

Okay.

-Awful chatty.
-Hey,

look, I think she gave me
her number.

She wrote down her number,
but I think she gave me her number.

No, she gave you. Dude, man.

See, you still mad at me?

-No, I was never.
-Right, you see what I mean?

Yeah, we gonna celebrate it, man.
Yeah.

-This is pretty cool.
-Yeah.

-Unbelievable.
-Come on, give him some credit, man.

The man pulled a number.

It's just... I was in...
I can't believe that happened.

What you did with you's own hand.

Man, she just gave me her number.

That's great, man. I’m telling you,
love is a mysterious fig.

Lt is.

Okay, here's a question.
When should I call her?

-You like her?
-Yeah.

You definitely
don't want to call her.

When is the next Olympics?

Jay: So what you just got to do is

just get you a bunch
of these hood rats,

run through them,
just knock them out.

Boom, boom, boom.

And once you've done slayed
like 20, 30 of them hood rats,

now you ready to go up
to the upper Echelon type ho.

-You know what I mean?
-I’m not a big ho runner.

My uncle used to drive a ho runner.

Screw these analogies.
What he's saying is

you are going to be so bad
at sex the first time,

you don't want to have sex
with someone you like

'cause they'll think you're a weirdo
for being so lame at it.

You want to have sex
with hood rats first

so that by the time
you get to the girl you do like

you're not terrible at sex,
you'll be mediocre at it.

Probably still pretty bad, though.

Jay: Let's put it up for my man
for pulling that number.

-Way to go, man.
-Politicked his ass off.

-Cal: You did politic.
-Thanks a lot.

Like a train, round the bend.
You ready?

(Clears throat)

(Coughing)

Yeah.

-Andy: I can't.
-Do it.

-I can't pee in public.
-Gotta do it.

I’ve got a mental block about it.

-Come on, do it.
-I’m shy!

(Shouting)

I’m peeing in public!

-Let me out.
-I can't hear what you're saying.

-I don't want to be in here.
-It's a soundproof room.

-Just learn the techniques.
-Right on, man.

(Woman moaning)

You guys, this is not funny!

(Sighing)

(Telephone ringing)

Hello.

(Grunting)

Hey, what you watching?

-Dawn of the dead, man.
-Great.

The store is slow. Paula's gone.

-Yo, is Paula back?
-No. She's not here.

She said we can't watch this
in here. You sure?

I know. Can I ask you something
in confidence?

I know this is gonna sound weird.

Am I good-looking?

Do you think a woman
would find me attractive?

Oh, my god!

-Oh, my god, the blood just...
-Okay, never mind.

Wait, Andy. Hold up.

Listen, this is embarrassing for me.
This is hard to talk about.

-Are you ready for my honest answer?
-Yes.

Yeah. I think
you're a good-looking cat.

I don't think
that anybody knows it

and I don't think
anybody can see it.

Well, that's why I’m asking you.

You seem really well-groomed
and really put together.

I mean, look, dude.
You think this was an accident?

All of this right here?
Premeditated, partner.

You gotta highlight your attributes,
like a diamond in the rough.

You willing to make some sacrifices?

Absolutely.

You see that whole teen wolf thing
you got going right there?

You need to wax that right out.

-Does it hurt?
-No. Waxing don't hurt.

I mean, not unless you're a bitch.
You know what I mean?

Lt didn't hurt me.
I get it done all the time.

(Screaming)

What the fuck!

(Exclaiming)

Fuck that nigger up!

Bitch, get out of the room!

Jay: This is gonna be good.

-This the one right here, right?
-Hi, how are you?

So this is your first time
getting body waxed?

Yes, it is.

-Take off your shirt.
-Okay.

We're gonna need more wax.

I’m staying. This is gonna be good.

And clear all my appointments
in the afternoon.

Here we go.

That feels warm.

David: I like your sweater.
Does that come in a v-neck?

Cal: If she starts doing his pubes,
I’m out of here.

Jay: You gonna look good after this, man.

Thanks, man.

-So, ready?
-Yeah.

(Speaks foreign language)

(Screaming)

You fucker!

I’m sorry. That's just your job.

-You want me to stop now?
-No. It's okay.

Let's do another one.

That one little patch
looks sexy though.

-Does it look good?
-Cal: Yeah, it looks really good.

(Exclaiming)

David: Lt looks man-tastic.

Andy: Okay.

Wow! I didn't expect that at all.
I really didn't expect that.

Jay: You got it. The first one
is the only one that hurts.

Yeah. Those hairs are pretty deep.

Okay.

-You ready?
-Yup.

(Speaks foreign language)

(Screaming)

Sucker motherfucker!

You shithead! I hate you!

I hate you so much!

That one hurt.

That one hurt
just as much as the first one.

-That's great, man.
-Andy: Man!

(Exhaling)

One, two, three.

(Grunting)

Fuck me!

Ln the asshole!

(Andy exclaiming)

-I’m sorry.
-I’m sorry.

I really don't swear this much.

You know what, I got a weak stomach.

That's all I can really take.
I’ll see y'all.

-Andy: Jay.
-Be tough, Andy, you got it.

Andy: Where did Jay go?
David: He went to throw up.

-Ready?
-Yup.

One, two.

(Gasping)

Cocksucker motherfucker!

You pulled on two.

Why didn't you pull on three?

Freddy pie hole!

(Andy exclaiming in Spanish)

No! Kelly Clarkson!

(Screaming)

Y'all done or y'all...

(Andy screaming)

-That's fucked up.
-Andy: Oh, shit balls!

That's fucked up.

I hate you.

Stop smiling, you jerk!

You pussy.

Oh, god. What's next?

-You're doing the nipple.
-Cal: Not the nipple.

-Come on.
-Not the nipple.

Please, Cal, hold my hand.

-You kidding me, man?
-Hold my goddamn hand, man.

Do it! Just hold. Okay, here we go.

(Exhaling)

Woman: Ready?

Andy: No. Yup.

Woman: One, two, three.

(Screaming) Nipple fuck!

Mika, you should burn in hell!

Okay, all right.
No, seriously, I think I'm done.

I think we're done.
I think that's good.

(Exhaling)

You know what, guys,

this is not a good look for me!

You look like a man-o'-lantern.

-Thank you very much. Appreciate it.
-Thank you.

(Screaming)

Cal: Thank you very much.
Woman: You're welcome.

-Thank you.
-Thanks.

Andy, I owe you an apology, man.

I wasn't very nice to you
for the past two-and-a-half years.

You were nice to me.

No, I was... I thought
you were really boring and

I kind of thought
you were a serial killer.

(Laughs)

I’m not joking.

-Hey!
-Sorry. Shoot. Sorry, sorry.

Don't worry.
There's a lot of padding in these.

I could hurl it off the balcony,
it would be fine.

-Yeah. Lt will be fine.
-We couldn't break this

-if we tried.
-No problem.

Look, you shouldn't listen
to Dave and Jay, okay?

Those guys are crazy.
You should listen to me, okay?

Look, there is a hot-ass girl
who works right there.

There she is, in the bookstore.
You should ask her out, man.

Something wrong with her underpants.

Cal: Yeah, they're not in my mouth.

You know, I kind of

like the woman from the eBay store.

That's great, but

you're not gonna get with anyone

unless you play
the odds on this, man.

You need to plant a lot of seeds.

It's like this. When I was
growing pot, I realized

(tinkling)

-That the more seeds I planted
-thank you.

The more pot
I could ultimately smoke.

I think I have all the advice
that I can handle right now.

Don't get bitter.

I’m not bitter.
I almost lost a nipple, okay?

That was Jay's idea, okay?

And I wasn't going to say anything,
but waxing your chest is

like the gayest thing
you could possibly do, okay?

Look at me. Looks are not important.
Really look at me.

I am ugly as fuck
by traditional standards

but I get with women.

Aren't you curious
as to how that's possible?

I am not ugly as fuck.

I didn't say you were ugly as...

-Well, you implied it.
-Okay.

Lt doesn't matter if you're ugly
as fuck or you're ugly as shit.

It's about talking to women,
and I know how to do that

because I observe,
because I am a novelist.

What? You never told me that before.

That's because
I am not an arrogant prick, Andy.

Okay? The problem
most men have is

they don't know
how to talk to women.

You know what my problem is?
I am not interesting.

What am I supposed to say?
"I went to magic camp?"

"I’m an accomplished ventriloquist?"

"I am a seventh-degree
imperial yo-yo master."

(Exclaims)

Do me, yo-yo master.

I want you to do me,
'cause you're the yo-yo guy.

Are you done? Listen.

The problem most men have is

they just plain straight up
have no clue how to talk to women.

Just ask a question, okay?
That's it.

Because women do not care
about what you have to say

at all anyway, you know.

And all they want to do
is talk about themselves.

So you're just gonna
let them do that.

Okay? So remember.

Questions, be cool,
and be kind of a dick.

Here, be David Caruso in Jade.

Okay. I know exactly
what you're talking about.

You do. That's good.

Cal: There she is.

Go plant that seed, man.

Plant it with your finger.

Can I help you?

I don't know. Can you?

Are you looking for something?

Ls there something
I should be looking for?

(Laughs)

We have a lot of books.

So, maybe it depends
on what you like.

What do you like?

We have a great section of

do-it-yourself.

Do you like to "do it yourself"?

Sometimes. I mean,

if the mood strikes.

How is the mood striking you now?

(Laughing)

(Tittering)

What's your name?

I’m Beth.

Andy.

-Don't tell on me, okay, Andy?
-I won't.

Unless you want to be told on,

Beth.

Wow. That totally worked!

I literally said nothing.
And she found me fascinating.

I would've thought
you were doing that for years.

-Should I have asked her out?
-No. That's the key.

You wait for it
to grow into a plant

and then you fuck the plant.

Okay.

This is easy.

All right.

Hello, Trish. How you doing?
What's going on?

(Laughing)

Good joke.

This is a fun conversation.

Just grow a backbone and call her.

She asked you to call her.
She wants you to call her.

(Telephone ringing)

-Hello.
-Hey, how you doing?

-How you doing?
-I'm well.

Who is this?

-This is James.
-James. Do I know you, James?

(Grunting)

I was wondering whether
you had a few minutes

to talk about
a little laundry detergent.

Are you a telemarketer, James?

Yep.

Are you at the top
of a tall building?

Can you get to a roof quickly?
Jump off!

I mean, you people are sick.

Get a real fucking job,
why don't you?

Go shoot yourself
in the fucking head.

Hey, why don't you just, you know,
get a knife and run into it?

Why don't you do that, huh?

-Okay.
-I'll see you later, James.

-Nice to talk to you.
-Fuck your mother, okay? Bye-bye.

(Exclaims)

(Doorbell ringing)

Hey, man.
Got a big box of porn for you.

-Can I come in?
-Yeah.

(Sighs)

Sweet video game chair.

So what's in the box?

It's my personal collection
of erotica.

I want to give it to you.

I think there might be a few tapes
in there that just might open up

Pandora’s box of love.

Okay.

Amy and I,
we used to watch Harry Twatter

and we'd put it on the television

and then act it out
as it was going on

and it was...

She's adorable.

Fucking bitch.

Well, you know,
this is really gracious and kind

and generous and everything.

But I just don't want a big box
of porn in my apartment.

I have some really
great stuff in here.

Really great movies in here, man.

Hey, did you ever see
school of rock?

-Yeah.
-Well, this is...

It's called school of...

You know...

-That's nice.
-But it stars Jack black cock.

That makes sense.

Dude, here it is.

Boner jams '03.
It's a mixed tape I made.

All these great scenes that I was
really into in the summer of 2003.

-I think you'd really dig it.
-Yeah. Now I can see that.

This is

everybody loves Raymond.

That's probably
not supposed to be...

This is a good show.
I just tape it sometimes.

Well, I don't think
you understand something, Dave.

I don't want this stuff, okay?
Because I don't do that, that much.

-What, masturbate?
-Yeah.

Dude, I’ve jacked it twice
since I’ve been here.

-Are you kidding me? Why not?
-It's not a hobby of mine.

Well, then, that's the only hobby
you don't have.

No, seriously, I just don't feel
comfortable talking about...

You need to. You're wound up.

You're like one of these
action figures,

all hermetically sealed in your box.

-You gotta play with...
-Don't!

Don't take it out!

I’m sorry.
You know what, it's just...

Lt loses its value if you
take it out of its packaging.

I’m just saying, let it out.
Give it some air, man. Play with it.

-Take your porn with you.
-I’m not taking it.

Take your box-o-porn.

-It's my gift to you.
-No. I don't want it.

David, it's not...

Andy, for the last time,

I don't want your giant box
of pornography.

No, no, no! Come on, man.

So uncool.

Uncool?

Uncool is trying to give an
honest man a big box of porn, Andy.

David: For the last time, I don't want
to watch school of cockwith you.

(Hello playing)

It's nothing official.

Just a little token
of my appreciation.

(Tape forwarding)

(Woman moaning)

(Sighs)

Hi, Andy.
I’m gonna talk dirty to you.

I want to have
lots of sexy sex with you.

(Ln man's voice) I want to touch
your big, fat noodle

'cause I want to have
naughty intercourse with you.

I want you to put your penis on,
I mean, in me, Andy.

I want to do lots of,
lots of sexy,

hot things with you. Shit.

This really isn't working, Andy.
I don't know what to say

because I am you.

(Exclaiming)

Andy: Okay. New tape.

Nothing is ever good enough
and it's always our fault.

Hey, you can't speak
to your mother like that.

-You do.
-She's not my mother.

(Traffic humming)

I heard Dave gave you
the box of porn.

Yeah, he did.

You ever watch, like,
prime time live

when they take a black light
into a hotel room

and show you all the semen
all over the bedspread?

Yeah.

You blind someone with that box.

Could see that thing from space.

This right here, you looking at
the Bentley of big screen TVs.

I’m talking about, this is
the Rolls-Royce of big screen...

(Exclaiming)

Sometimes, I think these butterflies
are in here.

I think he might be
fooling us all, though.

Really?

I actually think he might be,
like, some genius

and this is like
some big, like, hilarious...

Like he's bored at work and he just
wanted to kick up some shit

so he told us all he's a virgin.

You're seeing a lot of stuff
that's not there.

You're just projecting all over him.

He might be an idiot savant

but he's not, like, clever enough
to go that deep.

But he's got a great body.

-Would you fuck him?
-Ln a New York minute.

-You would fuck him?
-Absolutely.

Hey, Andy, what are you doing
for lunch?

I don't know.
I have a Turkey sandwich.

We're gonna go around the corner.
I think you should come with us.

There's this great place.
A lot of cute girls.

I don't know. Okay.

We brought you a shirt.

This place is pretty fancy.

Something going on?

Hey, who's ready to have some fun?

(People cheering)

Hey, guys...

(Man chattering)

No, don't ignore me.
I know what this is.

Within one hour,
you'll each have 20 dates.

Don't... please don't do this.
I saw this on prime time live.

All right, ninja master.

We've given you all the advice
we have to give.

Now you gonna put it in action.

Advice? You guys all
gave me different advice.

-He thinks you're a pothead.
-I am.

Dude. Hey, partner.
What are you whining about?

-You asked for this shit.
-No, I didn't.

Will you just quit whining
like a bitch?

-I’m not whining like a bitch.
-You are whining like a bitch.

And you about to cram like
10 years of pimpage into one day.

-I don't want to cram pimpage.
-Partner, after that

you on my level. Come on.

-Cal: Just ask questions.
-This is a bad idea.

(Buzzing)

(People chattering)

-Woman: Hi.
-Hi. How are you?

I’m fine.

Are you fine?

Yeah.

You're fine then?

Are you fucking retarded?
What the hell's the matter with you?

Do you want me to be
fucking retarded?

(Buzzer sounding)

When I look into the eyes
of the children and the parents

and they are smiling and saying,

"thank you, Dr. Montalban,
you saved my child,"

it was worth it.

(Buzzer sounding)

Amy,

-what are you doing here?
-David.

-And you are Gina?
-Gina.

-Hey, what's up?
-Nothing.

Look, I’m going to be
real honest with you.

It's been a long time
since I’ve been with a man.

Spent a lot of time with the ladies.

Looking to get back up
on that pogo stick.

-You know what I’m saying?
-Excuse me.

Remember that time when we made love
and you cried in my arms?

Please don't reminisce about
the times we fucked, please.

-It's so creepy.
-Let's go to Paris.

I want to take you underneath the
Eiffel Tower and make love to you.

-Cut it out.
-Cut what out?

This, going to Paris! We've been
broken up for like two years, man.

I don't want to date you anymore.

-You're a whore.
-I am not a whore, all right?

Just 'cause I didn't like you.

This is so us.

(Laughs)

(Snickering)

-Psycho talk.
-What?

-You're a good-looking man.
-Thank you.

Very pretty.
Real soft, delicate features.

You're real feminine, you know,
which is good for me

because that would be
a simple sort of transition.

You know what I’m saying?

Maybe throw a little Rouge on you,
tuck your sac back.

-You game?
-No.

(Buzzer sounding)

You need to stop fucking around
with my friend, okay?

Because you're giving him hope,
and it's driving the man crazy.

I moved, I changed my e-mail
address, my phone number.

He's practically stalking me.

Well, I didn't know all that.
So, I'm sorry.

(Buzzer sounding)

I love Minnesota.

Woman: I grew up in a town
outside of Minneapolis

with a population of, like,
500 people. Really small.

Yeah, it's like
the land of a thousand lakes.

What about you? You're used
to, like, a really big city.

Really... god, yes.

The town that I grew up in
was really small. I mean,

you know, it was just so safe.
There was no crime.

I mean, a girl could just walk
from one end of town to the other

and just, you know,
feel completely safe.

(Coughing)

(Buzzer sounding)

Jay: She wasn't as hot as now.

Spank bank
has once again been filled.

Cal: I’ll tell you who's the hottest.

You're gonna think I’m crazy,
but I’m gonna tell you. Gina.

Can't get Va-Gina out of my head.
Va-Gina all week.

-You know what's a fun game?
-Huh?

You take three Excedrin PMs

and you see if you could whack off
before you fall asleep.

(Sighing)

You always win
is the best part about the game.

-Jill: Are you Andy?
-Yeah.

Ls this yours?
Did you write this stuff?

My girlfriend, Jill,
found your speed-dating card.

Yeah, right.

God, I’ve been looking
for that speed-dating card.

Thank you so much
for bringing it to me.

So, you actually wrote
that one girl looked like

she was "hurting for a squirting"?

Mmm-hmm. Yeah. Hurting for a squirting,
I wrote that.

So you wrote "ho fo sho."

Yeah, I remember that girl.
She was a ho.

Fo sho.

Let me show you
how this device works.

Right, I’m just looking
for a cordless phone.

Yup, it's great. You can
do anything, make video diaries.

It's like, hey, Amy, how's it going?
How you feeling? I’m great.

I feel fantastic since we broke up.

I feel awesome!

Can you just show me the department
where there would be phones?

How have you been?
What's been going on...

I bet... hey, have you been
doing a lot of this?

Sir, please, sir.

You are never gonna meet anybody

with that kind of mentality about
women, you sick son of a bitch.

Who the fuck are you
to put me on trial?

I’ve never even met you.

So why don't you back the shit off,
all right?

And stop with the inquisition.

That's how you talk?

You know what,
I don't have to answer to you.

You ain't my bitch.

Know what I saying?

So, shit, man. Fuck it.

You shouldn't even be hanging out
with this pervert.

I don't hang out with him.
I work with him and that's it.

I tried to introduce him
to a few nice people,

he made a fool of himself.

I don't mess with him, baby.
That's not me.

You should keep your ho on a leash.

-Bro, I can't let you...
-Hey.

I can't let you be talking
to my woman like that, dawg.

-Know what I’m saying?
-Bitch is running wild, man.

You miss that ass?
That's the ass of a free man.

That ass is going out tonight,
maybe to a club.

Maybe to a night club.

Hey, Andy,

-take a look at your pal.
-Oh, my god.

Yeah, he's performing
a public colonoscopy.

Isn’t that sweet?

I’m gonna send David home
for the day

and you're gonna fill in for him.

-What? Selling things?
-You got that right.

I don't think that's a good idea.

And you're gonna have to
talk to people, too.

I know that's a frightening concept
to you

but I think you can handle it.

So get out there
and start selling some shit.

...thing for Amy.

-Hold it.
-Check it out.

David: I miss her.

(Music playing)

Dude, the floor's
the ultimate aphrodisiac.

All you got to do
is go make your pick now.

-Come on, man.
-Okay.

And you could act
a little enthused about it.

Yeah.

Jay: That's right. That's right.
Gazelle in the pink top.

-Jay: Oh, shit.
-Hi.

Andy: Looks like you're checking out
digital cameras.

You know what,
he ain't going to do it willingly.

No. We need to, like,
really facilitate things a bit more.

-Yo, Andy.
-Andy: Yeah.

What's up, dude? This is Jay, man.

Hey, Jay.

I am throwing a party tonight.

It's gonna be real mellow,
just chilled up.

Now, you really need to be there.

It's gonna be
really, really colorful.

Are you free?

Yeah, I think so.

That was a joke, man.
I know you're free.

-I’m okay.
-Gotta go, man.

All right, bye.

So, tell me, Montel,

why weren't we invited to the party?
What are we, Al-Qaeda?

No, hold up.

-No, no.
-It's not that kind of party, y'all.

You're not coming
to our fucking party either, okay?

Fuck you, okay?

First of all,
it ain't that kind of party.

-Go fuck a goat.
-Yeah.

Why you always telling me
to fuck a goat, man?

Mooj: Fuck a goat!

(Elevator bell dings)

(Music playing on stereo)

(Knocking on door)

Hello?

Hello.

Hello. Hi.

-Are you here for Jay's party?
-Yes.

I am Jay's party.

You know what, hiring a transvestite
prostitute isn't helping me, man.

What? Ain't nobody hired
no damn transvestite.

What are you talking about?

She was really nice, incidentally.

If that sister was a transvestite

that was the Mona Lisa
of transvestites.

You got a Hummer from the tranny,
didn't you?

You know, aren't we owed one now?
'Cause technically we paid her.

She had a dick, man.

Do you guys even like me?

Or is this some sort of cruel joke
that you're all in on?

Because I’m not a freak.
I’m a good person.

I always thought that Matt Damon
was like a Streisand, but

I think that he's rocking the shit
in this one.

Shut up, Dave!

Hold up. Let's just chill
on the aggression for a minute.

Beth: Look at him.

He is such a bad ass.

-He looks just like Luke Wilson.
-Woman: Mmm-hmm.

So you saying
she was definitely a man?

Yes.

Okay, well, how do you know
that she was a man?

Because her hands were
as big as Andre the giant's.

And she had an Adam's apple
as big as her balls.

So you have no proof.

You know what? Just leave me alone.

Just stay away from me.
Or I’m gonna tell Paula

that you're all stealing
the recordable CDs.

-Come on.
-That's like we were paid to do it.

We did this
'cause we're your friends

and we didn't think you have
the balls to do it yourself.

-Really?
-David: Yeah.

Okay, watch this.

Yo, Andy, it's just CDs, man.

That's a third strike for me, dawg.

(Brakes screech)

(Man shouting)

(Grunts)

(Bells chiming)

Hi.

-Andy. Hi.
-Right, yeah.

-You remember my name.
-I did.

-How you doing?
-I’m great. I like your store.

That's good, yeah. If you have time,
look around. It's...

Okay.

How's business been?

You know, it's coming along.
I mean, it takes a while.

-Do you want to go out sometime?
-Yes.

Yes, I would like that.
That would be great.

I think I’m maybe free this weekend,
if that's okay.

Or you could call me tomorrow
and we can just firm it up.

-Okay. Great.
-Great.

Okay, so I’ll call you, and yeah,
that'll be good.

-How you doing?
-Congratulations.

Okay, so I’ll... yeah.

Can I help you?

Yeah, these are wonderful.
I’ll take these.

Thanks, they are. They're great.
The goldfish just crack me up.

Funny.

-Yeah, they are.
-(Laughing) Yeah.

-Yeah.
-They're cute.

I don't actually sell anything here.
I just sell them on eBay.

I don't get it.

Okay.

-Can you help me?
-No, you're on your own here.

Good luck to you, and to you.
And I’ll give you a call.

-Great. Nice to see you.
-Great. Thanks for coming in.

Trish: Bye.

So, I guess I'll just
give you some money

and you can give me
these shoes and...

You know,
I know it seems so strange.

Yes. I’d just rather buy them
from you straight up.

Yeah, I know.
I wish it could be that easy, but...

I wish, too, but you're making it
extremely difficult for me.

I’m just trying to get these shoes
back to my house

so I can wear them.

Cal: I got a corpse in my way.
David: Look out. Just kill it.

Cal: That's just so not fair that
you have blades and...

I’m telling you, man, I feel great.

I’m so...
It's like a weight has been lifted.

Celibacy is the way to go, man.
Andy had it right, you know?

Look at him.
He looks younger than all of us

but he's 1 0 years older.

Why? Because he's
never had a relationship.

No she-devil sucked
his life force out yet.

(Telephone ringing)

-Hello?
-Hey. Hi. Hello.

Ls this Trish?

-Who's calling, please?
-This is Andy.

-Hi, Andy.
-Hi, how you doing?

-I’m good. How're you doing?
-I’m doing great.

-Cal: So you're gay, now?
-No, I’m not gay. I’m just celibate.

I think... I mean, that sounds gay.

I just want you to know that this is
the first conversation

of three conversations
that leads to you being gay.

There's this and then in a year
it's like, "you know,

"I’m kind of going to wanna get back
out there, but I think I like guys."

And then there's the big,
"I’m a gay guy now."

-You're gay for saying that.
-I’m gay for saying that?

-You know how I know you're gay?
-How? How do you know I'm gay?

'Cause you macraméd yourself
a pair of jean shorts.

You know how I know you're gay?

You just told me you're not sleeping
with women anymore.

-You know how I know you're gay?
-How?

'Cause you're gay and you can tell
who other gay people are?

-Do you know how I know you're gay?
-How?

You like Cold Play.

You're dead.

(Both groaning)

Cal: Come on.

Leave my torso alone at least.

I also wanted to call

and see what night
you might want to go out.

I’m actually free tonight.

Okay. Well, no, I was thinking maybe
this weekend, but that's good. Okay.

Great.

Okay, what time
do you want to pick me up?

Let's see.

That's actually kind of a problem
because I ride a bike.

That's cool. Are you kidding me?

I love getting on the back
of a motorcycle.

My boyfriend in college
drove a motorcycle.

So, I mean, I'm cool.

Yeah, I bet that was cool.
I ride a bicycle.

You know how I know that you're gay?

How?

You like the movie
maid in Manhattan.

-You know how I know you're gay?
-How?

I saw you make a spinach dip
in a loaf of sourdough bread once.

-You know how I know you're gay?
-How?

You have a rainbow bumper sticker
on your car that says,

"I love it
when balls are in my face."

Cal: That's gay?

God damn it!

I’m ripping your head off right now.
It's off.

And now I’m throwing it
at your body.

Cal: Fuck you!

You guys,

she's picking me up in an hour.

Oh, drag, dude.

-She's picking you up from here?
-Yeah.

That's fucked up, man.

-Why?
-Why?

Seriously. I mean,
look at this place, man.

You gotta see this through the eyes
of a woman, you know?

What is she going to think
when she comes in here? Look.

-He's got a billion toys.
-So what?

And more video games
than a teenaged Asian kid.

It's all right.

Ls that the
six million dollar man's boss?

It's Oscar Goldman.

-Why do you have that?
-That's worth a lot of money.

That's much more valuable
than Steve Austin.

Well, that may be the case.
But none of this shit is sexy, okay?

I’m not trying to be sexy, man.

I mean, seriously, Asia.

You framed an Asia poster?

How hard did the people
at the frame store laugh

-when you brought this in?
-They did not laugh at me.

Know why you're gay?
Because you like Asia.

You guys cool it with the gay.

You know, she's on her way
over here, okay?

First, you relax, okay?

Just stop calming me down
and tell me what I should do.

Okay, we just take everything
that's embarrassing

and we move it out of here.

So it doesn't look like
you live in Neverland Ranch.

-Hi.
-Hi. How are you?

Good.

So, you wanna head out?

Did you just move in or something?

No. Actually I’m getting
new carpet in.

I’m having carpet
put in tomorrow, so...

-Well, you know.
-Yeah.

-Okay.
-Looks good with the floors.

-Yeah.
-All right.

I should tear up the hard wood

and see if there's
carpet underneath.

That's never the case.

-Trish: This is gonna be fun.
-Yes.

You know,
I drive by this place every day.

I’ve never been in before.

I’m glad you came.

You know, I never really go out
with nice guys like you.

I think I’ve avoided nice guys
like you my whole life

at my own peril.

-My last boyfriend drank a lot.
-Mmm-hmm.

-And so...
-This is just punch.

(Laughing)

No, it's okay. A little bit's fine.

Buddha punch. I need some Buddha.

Excuse me, miss.
Could you gather your team

and sing happy birthday
for my daughter, please?

(Singing in Chinese)

(All cheering)

-That was so good. What?
-That was great. Happy birthday.

-It's your birthday, too?
-No.

-It's his birthday, too.
-No, no, no.

Could you sing for him
and bring him a cake?

Man: Happy birthday.

(Singing in Chinese)

(Inaudible)

-Thanks a lot.
-Happy birthday, Andy.

-You really like kissing, don't you?
-Yes.

(Trish laughing)

I really do.

Take off your pants, okay?

-Okay.
-Okay.

-Wow, this is really gonna happen.
-Oh, yeah.

Thank god.

-Okay, I’m taking off my pants.
-Yeah.

Do you need some help?

I think I almost got them.
It's hooked on my ankle.

Wow, that's...

(Panting)

Hey, wait. Do you have protection?

I don't like guns.

(Laughing)

That's funny.

I have condoms right here. Okay?

-Okay.
-There's, you know...

Check the expiration date because
they were from when I was married.

And we didn't have sex that often.
That's why there are so many, okay?

Okay.

I got them.

How does this go?

Okay. "Roll over the tip
and down onto the base."

Over the balls?

Lt doesn't say.

Do you mind if I use your "Magnum"?

Yeah.

Wow. You got to be kidding.

I am Aquaman.

What is that?

(Grunting)

(Coughing)

(Condom bursts)

(Yelps)

Mom?

(Marla exclaiming)

What's going on here?

-Who the hell are you?
-It's Andy.

Hi, I’m Andy.

God! What are you doing?

Marla, get the fuck out of my room!

You know what...

I cannot believe that you're allowed
to have sex when I’m not!

-That is so unfair.
-I’m gonna head out.

Trish: You should go.

Oh, Jesus!
How many times did you just do it?

Oh, my god!

(Groaning)

I’m so sorry.

Dude, teach me.

Man: Hotline.

Hi, yes, I’m calling
because it's more than four hours

and your ad said to call
if it's been more than four hours.

How much of the medicine
have you taken, sir?

I haven't taken any,
but your ad said

that if you've had an erection for
more than four hours, you call.

You're only supposed to call
if you've taken the medicine.

Okay. I’m sorry.
I must not have heard that part.

Yes. If you haven't taken
the medicine, you don't call.

Right. I’m sorry. Right.

So, there's nothing you can do?

-I just don't wanna...
-There's nothing I can do.

I'm in Bombay, India.

Okay. No, not you personally.
I just don't want,

I just don't want
to have an erection anymore.

(Laughs)

-You know, you could have sex.
-Okay. Yup.

That's one thing people do
when they have an erection.

Yeah, that's not an option.
I don't have sex.

Okay, well, then you can masturbate.

I’d rather not masturbate.

If you'd like the erection
to go away, you can light a match,

blow out the flame
and put the hot Ember on your wrist.

And that will focus
the brain elsewhere

-and you will lose your erection.
-Really? That'd work?

Take your finger
and flick your testicle

and if you do that till it hurts

-your erection will go away.
-Okay, all right.

It sounds unpleasant and it is.

It is a trick we use in India.

Okay, those are all good pieces of
advice. I really appreciate it.

We appreciate your business.

Oh, no.
We didn't get your business...

No, not this time. I guess I didn't
need you this time. Thank you.

(Sighing)

(Exclaiming)

(Sighing)

(Exclaims)

My goodness, Andy,
you are a terrific salesman.

-Thank you.
-Gosh, you really got it down.

-Thanks.
-And your numbers are good.

Thanks.

I’m going to put you out
on the floor full time.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Wow. Okay.

Good. We're gonna get you
a blue shirt and tie, all right?

Great. Thanks.

You know, Andy, I’ve been thinking
about your problem.

I think I might have
a solution for you.

You ever heard of the term
"fuck buddy"?

What?

It's a special friend

who you fuck.

No, haven't heard that term.

When I was a little girl,
I developed early.

By the time I was 14,
I had this body you're looking at.

-Can you imagine that?
-I don't want to, no.

Well, needless to say,
a lot of male attention.

Like men, yes.

Especially from our
Guatemalan gardener, Javier.

Okay.

You know, Javier,

before he made passionate yet gentle
love to me for the first time

he serenaded me with a beautiful
old Guatemalan love song.

Really, that's...

That sounds nice.

(Singing in Spanish)

Okay.

My goodness.

-I think we better get back to work.
-Yeah.

-Yeah, I better go back to work.
-Yeah.

-So, okay.
-All right.

So, you mull it over
and I’ll talk to you soon.

-All right, I will. Thank you.
-Okay.

(Gasps)

What's up, dawg? What happened?
How was the date with Trish?

-Lt was a disaster.
-Really?

Yes. I’ve never been
more embarrassed in my life.

Couldn't get the condoms to work.

And one of them
exploded on my balls.

And then her kid walked in the room.

Wait. Hold up.

She was hiding the kid
from you, dawg?

You know what, it doesn't matter

because it was going downhill
straight from there.

Listen, you don't want
no baby-daddy drama.

Trust me on this one, all right?

For all you know,
he in prison right now.

Let's say y'all living together.

Next thing you know, you the one
going on the 1 st and the 1 5th

to pick up the government check.

What if he got boys
that's on the outside

and they stalking you?

You see what I’m saying?
You got to think, partner...

What the fuck are you talking about?

Here's what you do.
You tell her you're a virgin.

You test her with this shit, okay?

Here, tell me. Tell me.
This is how it's gonna go. Tell me.

-I’m a virgin.
-Sweet.

I like that because
you don't have chlamydia.

And I know that,
and that shit is everywhere.

What if she laughs at me, though?

Then you punch her
in the fucking head if she laughs.

I’m not going to punch her
in the head. She's really sweet.

No. I mean, you punch her
in her fucking head emotionally.

She's different.
She's someone I felt like I had

a connection with.

All you trying to do right now
is bust off this first nut.

You got a whole lot of semen
back up in you.

I am going to tell her.

-You should totally tell her, man.
-I’m going to.

'Cause I watched this movie
called liar liar

and the message was, "don't lie."

And that was a smart movie.

-Yeah, that's the right thing.
-Yeah.

Really? All your girlfriends wanted
to have sex with virgins, too?

That's funny. I didn't even know
you girls talked like that.

I think my first time
might be your best time, too.

Well, I knew it. You know what,

I knew that you'd react that way
and I knew that

you would want to lead me
through my first sexual encounter

with all the compassion
and care that someone

would give to their soul mate.

Oh, my god. I’m in trouble.

Hey, Andy.

You watching survivor tonight?

No, actually I’m going out to dinner
with somebody.

Hi.

Andy: This is her.

-Trish, this is Joe and Sara.
-Hi.

-Hi, Trish.
-Hey.

But tape it for me, okay?

-Will do. All right.
-Andy: Thanks.

-So long.
-Sara: Bye-bye.

See you later. Have a good night.

Yeah, my man's gonna
get it on tonight.

-Yes, sir.
-Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, and you better get on me, too.

What is wrong with this woman?

Mercy, mercy, mercy.

I’m so sorry that happened
the other night.

No, I’m sorry.

-Oh, my god.
-That was me.

No.

Let me...
I have something I want to tell you.

Kind of hard to talk about.

But,

you know,
there are certain things

about who I am that...

I’m sorry. I just have to get this
off my chest.

I am so sorry,
I didn't tell you I had kids.

Yeah, what was that about?

Gosh. You know,
that really surprised me.

No, you should have
told me probably, but...

I’m sorry. I know.

What do I care if you have a kid?

Well, I have two kids.

Wow. Okay. How old are they?

Six.

Sixteen.

Twenty-one.

Forty-two.

Fifty-six. How many kids
do you have?

-I have three.
-Okay, three.

Yeah, and one of them has a kid.

A one-year-old.

That's cool. That's great.

-I’m really glad we're doing this.
-Me, too.

Listen, Andy, I

don't want to send you running
for the hills or anything, but

I really feel like if,
we decide to do this again, then

maybe we should hold off
on the physical part for a while.

That is a fantastic idea.

Why didn't I think of that?

-Really?
-Totally.

-No sex?
-No. Why do that?

Because here's the thing.

From personal experience

I found that
sex can really complicate things.

And what we should be doing right
now is getting to know each other.

Yeah.

Well, I never thought
you'd go for it.

I’m going for it.

Well, that just
is a great, great notion.

Are you serious?

Look at my face.
Look at how serious I am.

Can you see my nostrils?

-Yes.
-That's serious.

That's more angry.

Yeah, you know what,
most guys would be saying,

"yeah," right now, but, like,
by the third date, it would be,

"hey, baby, I really need to
physically express how I feel"

-and all that stuff.
-Well, hey, baby,

you know, three dates.
Make it 1 0, 1 0 dates.

How about 1 5?

Fifteen. Screw your 1 5.
Twenty dates.

-Okay, 20 dates.
-Twenty dates.

-Okay.
-This is genius.

It's gonna hurt.

(Trish laughing)

Not as much as you think.

We can really get to know
each other this way.

Yeah.

-This is one, right?
-No, next one.

(Door opening)

(Marla clearing throat)

Ls it safe to come in,
or are you guys doing it?

Honey, it's safe.

Great.

Trish: Well, good timing.

Marla: Yeah.
Trish: You remember Marla.

-Hi, we met.
-And this is my little bunny rabbit.

-Julia.
-Hey.

-This is Andy.
-Julia, how you doing?

You know what,
do you by any chance like magic?

-Yeah.
-I thought that you might.

Because I noticed on the way in

that you had something shiny
behind your ear.

Marla, did you see that?
Something behind her ear?

You think you do? Could I check?

Do you mind if I check
behind your ear?

Big money!

(Exclaiming)

-That's amazing.
-Wow, it is amazing.

There's something else, too,
behind your ear, I think.

No, actually it's not behind
your ear. I think it is your ear.

Rip!

Lt is your ear. There is your ear.

I ripped it off.

-Trish: Gross!
-Yeah, that's...

All right. Wait.
Okay, but that means that you

walk around with a rubber ear
in your pocket all day?

Yeah, like half the time.

You know,
I can come to your high schooI

and do it for your friends
if you want.

You know what, I should head out.

-Really?
-Yeah.

I have to give you a ride home.

Right. Yes, you do.

Yeah, 'cause you don't have
a car or anything, right?

Right, I don't have a car.

'Cause he doesn't have a car,
and he does magic.

Awesome.

And sarcasm is like
a second language to me.

So, I’m right there with you.

(Laughing)

But, dad,

I don't know how to love.

You never

taught me how...

(Cell phone ringing)

-Hello.
-Andy: Hey, Cal.

-Hey.
-I just got back from the date.

Did you tell her you're a virgin?

No. I haven't gotten to that yet.

Really?
Are you having sex right now?

No. She was incredible.

She was amazing.
She didn't pressure me.

And she has three kids.

And one of her kids has a kid.

(Coughing)

You all right?

Did you just say she has three kids,
one of whom has a kid?

-Yeah.
-So, so, she's a grandma?

No.

I'm not a doctor
or anything like that

but she's a fucking grandma.

Yeah, whatever, you know.

She's the hottest grandma
I ever saw.

Yeah, she is. She's a hot grandma.

That's a good-looking grandma.
My grandma looks like Jack Palance.

Well, she's no Jack Palance.

No. If Jack Palance
looked like that lady

I would want to fuck Jack Palance
right now.

Yeah, me, too.

She's a hot grandma.

Heck, yeah. No, do a grandma, man.

You should fuck her
on her plastic-covered couch.

Fuck her while she watches
murder, she wrote.

She would probably find that
very erotic.

Yeah, whatever, you know.

Fuck her and then have her send you
a check for $1 2 on your birthday.

I’m the dude with the hot granny.

Andy: What did you want
to talk to me about?

Well, Andy,
the numbers just came in

and you are by far
our best salesman.

So, I am promoting you
to floor manager.

This is the bullshit
of all bullshits!

You scumbag! Ass kisser!

Thank you. That's great.

-I understand you have a girlfriend.
-Yeah, kind of seeing somebody.

-I’m very happy for you.
-Thanks. She's great.

Are you still a virgin?

You know, I don't really

-talk about my personal life.
-You're a virgin.

-Yes, I am.
-Yeah.

My door is always open.

-So to speak.
-Great.

Great. Thank you.

I’m very discreet.

But I’ll haunt your dreams.

-Okay.
-Okay.

(Sniffling)

Wow.

-So who's gonna take my job?
-Cal will be taking over your job.

And he's interviewing people
right now

for his old job.

So, have you ever worked
with electronics before?

-No.
-No?

But I have electronics in my home.

Perfect. That's the job pretty much.
You're very well-qualified.

More than these other losers.

(Bernadette laughs)

-I could do that...
-Wait, last thing.

I’m also gonna need that
extended warranty on it

for the price of "on the house."

That I can't do.

Hey, don't be a negro. Be my nigger.
All right? Help me out.

Hold up. I ain't nobody's nigger.

I mean, you're somebody's nigger
wearing this nigger tie.

Now you being condescending.

See, you've been warned, all right?
Just move forward amicably.

Okay. Well, check this out.

First of all, you're throwing
too many big words at me.

Okay, now because
I don't understand them

I’m gonna take them as disrespect.

Watch your mouth,
and help me with the sale.

Okay, see,
now you found yourself a nigger.

You were looking for a nigger?
Nigger here now. See?

Today's forecast: Dark and cloudy,
and chance of drive-by.

-You want to go?
-I suggest you move back.

Then, nig, fire on.

Uh-oh. What are we gonna do?

What are you gonna do,
Mr. Floor manager?

Go, get them, tiger.

This shit just got rigged.

-What are you gonna do, bitch?
-I’ll tell you what.

You know Luca Perry
from 20th and 25th?

You ever heard of,
rolling 20s, nigger?

Since I was 1 6, nigger,
I'm saying "frosty."

You know what I’m saying,
"spoon," nigger.

We fucked dwarfs in the ass.

Nigger, this dwarf here don't got to
be tall

to pull the trigger off
in somebody face!

-Come on nigger, back up. What's up?
-Hey,

welcome to smart tech.

-Ls this your boy?
-What can I help you with?

Yeah, nigger, we will both mash you!

-How can we help you, sir?
-Nigger, what?

No, he don't need no help.
He's already been served.

I served him. He's taken care of.
He's a little slow, but he got it.

See, what he thought was he can
come up in here and make the rules.

But now he see that
Jay make the rules at smart tech,

that I run this bitch,
and now he about to bounce.

This your boy?

Yeah, that's my boy.
We represent smart tech.

You just got fucked up with him.

Both y'all niggers going
get clapped up when I get back.

Both of you all niggers.

-What did I do?
-Lt don't fucking matter!

-Yeah, aim high, Willis. Aim high!
-Please don't do this.

Jay, what's going on?

Jill broke up with me.

I’m so sorry. What happened?

I came home a little tipsy.

And I had
one of my condoms on still.

Woke up the next morning
and jumped in the shower with her.

I don't know what I was thinking.

Why did you cheat on her?

Because I’m insecure!
You can't tell?

I know, man. It's gonna be okay.

-I’m cold.
-It's gonna be all right, man.

Seriously, man, I’m sorry.

I apologize to you. I know.

If you wanna have
a meaningful relationship

you've got to leave the sex
out of it, man. You're right.

It's all right. You're good.

I’m sorry. Come here.
I love you, man.

Man, I love you, too.

You're a good guy.

Do you know how I know
you guys are gay?

You're holding each other
ever so gently.

Cabrón.

(Trish whooping)

(Exclaiming)

Trish: Bravo.

At least he can cook, mom.

(Believe it or not [the greatest
American hero theme] playing)

I love Spiderman.

(Whooping)

Pull out slowly
and go straight ahead.

(Screaming)

(Humming)

(Exclaims)

I’m all right.

Nobody's there.

Trish: I want to know everything about you.

I want to tell you.

-You do?
-Yeah.

Like, what do you want to do?
What are your dreams?

You don't wanna work at smart tech
for the rest of your life.

I’ve been working there
for a long time.

And I’ve been thinking lately that
maybe I should open my own store.

-Really?
-Yeah.

-What kind of store?
-Well, like a stereo store.

Oh, my god, that is...
Why don't you do that?

I don't have enough money
to do that.

What about those collectibles?

I bet if you sold those,
you could make a lot of money.

I just sold a guy's GI Joe
for $1,000.

-Really?
-Do you have any of those?

-Yeah.
-You do?

I have 47 of them.

No, you don't.

-Yeah, in their original boxes.
-You do?

I could help you sell them on eBay.

I would not take a commission,
I swear to god.

You could do it.
You could totally pull it off.

-Yeah, let's do it.
-Let's do it.

Aquaman.

Here.

Gloves on.

I’ll send you off to

a farm with lots of land.

So, you and other Aquamen
can run around

and play in the Aquafields.

Godspeed, col. Steve Austin.

You don't wanna go, do you?
Okay, you can stay.

Steve Austin can stay.

Hey, Cal. David.

-Way to sell a big TV.
-She likes you, man.

Too bad I retired my penis.

Mooj, we try to be fair with
the schedule but it's hard.

Okay, but why every damn schedule
comes up, I get most early shift?

It's bullshit. Nobody buys stereo
at 1 0:00 in the morning.

No, I understand.

People buy stereo
between 6:00 and 8:00.

Mmm-hmm.

Rich men get off work,
then buy stereo.

-Right.
-Not after fucking brunch.

Okay. Here's what we're gonna do.

I’m going to give you
a couple of Jay's shifts.

And then I’ll give you
a couple of mine and that way

-we'll all be equal, okay.
-Thank you, Andy.

-It's okay.
-You're a good man, Andy.

By the way,
what date are you on, now?

I think it's around 1 7.

It's hard to tell what actually
constitutes a date, though.

Three to go. So that means
you're gonna have sex in three days.

Maybe, I might try
to space them out a little bit.

-I’ll pray for your cock.
-Okay, thanks.

-Thanks. Thank you.
-Have a good cocky.

Trish is on the phone.
Here is a shock.

-Girlfriend with a problem.
-Hello.

Marla: I have done everything but sex!

I'm a woman, okay? Deal with it!

I’m gonna start
taking you back to church.

We are gonna start going to church.

-Hello?
-Marla: You know what?

What the hell are you talking about?

Oh, my god, I cannot believe this.
Thank god you're here.

Jesus Christ. Marla locked herself
in the bathroom.

What happened?

She wants to go
to the family health clinic.

She wants birth control.
But she's too young.

I want to have sex
with my boyfriend! But I can't, mom!

So, you want me to take her?

-No, I don't want you to take her.
-Okay, all right.

I want her to keep it in her pants
until she gets to college.

"Keep it in my pants?"

Okay, you didn't keep it
in your pants, mom.

I know. I don't want you to make
the same mistakes as me, Marla.

Mistakes?
Okay, so I was a mistake then.

No, you're not a mistake.
Your sister was the mistake.

Oh, my god!

Her older sister, I mean, she wasn't
planned, you know what I mean?

Because I was such a... oh, god,
you wanna run away, don't you?

No.

You and your boyfriend
have sex all the time!

Oh, my god! Are you kidding?

We never have sex.
Do we ever have sex?

No, we don't.

What? Yes, you do!

You're such a liar!
Why do you lie to me?

Why?

(Door slamming)

(Muttering)

I didn't hear anything
after "a liar."

-What did she say after "a liar"?
-She sounds like a tea kettle.

Fuck you!

(Crying)

-Maybe I should take her.
-No, I don't think so.

You know, a little information
never hurt anybody.

Cool.

Wow!

Where do you put the penis?

Oh, shit.

Lt is

not a Rubik’s cube.

Shit.

God, how much longer
are they gonna make us wait?

(Exclaims) I don't know. They should be
out in a second.

Now, you're all here

because you're interested
in obtaining birth control.

Any questions?

Here's a cute story.
I came home the other day

and he is with his girlfriend
in my marital bed

doing things that are illegal
in Alabama.

Sex acts, right?
Things that my wife won't do, okay?

-Did you have a question?
-How do I get my wife to do that?

Does anybody else have a question?

My daughter is,
for lack of a better word,

dumb.

How do I stop her menstrual cycle?

You want her to stop
having a menstrual cycle?

I want to stop it,
maybe just for a few years.

Yeah, I don't think
that's a good idea.

-Does anybody else have a question?
-I have a question.

I think some of the people here
might be sexually inexperienced.

Ls it true that if you don't use it,
you lose it?

Ls that a serious question?

-No. Lt wasn't.
-Judith: Okay.

Now, there are a lot of activities
that you can engage in

without having sex
that are both fun and safe.

What sort of activities? I think

everybody wants to know
about the activities.

Well, instead of having intercourse,
you could have outer-course.

Outer-course? What's that?

Yeah, what is that?

Outer-course is anything
that isn't vaginal intercourse.

I prefer vaginal intercourse.

(Chuckling)

He really does.

Now, there are ways of having sex
without intercourse.

Let's see, there are things
like body rubbing or dry humping.

You could dry hump.

-There is masturbation.
-Masturbation. Play with yourself.

-Mutual masturbation.
-Play with a friend.

Deep kissing.
There is erotic massage.

That sounds like it would be nice.

-Oral sex play.
-Sounds like my Friday night.

Shut up, Seth. We went to temple.

Okay, are there any virgins here

who are thinking about having sex
for the first time?

Wait. So you're a virgin?

(Snickers)

-I’d tap that.
-Oh, yeah, you'd "tap that"?

Seth, what, you think you're cool
with your little Jew fro?

We don't say, "tap that."
What are you talking about, Seth?

You know what, I’m a virgin, too.

(People laughing)

That's...

-We're virgins, too.
-Yeah.

No, you know what,
it's a personal choice

and I don't think it's weird at all.

You know what your problem is?

You're putting the pussy
on a pedestal.

That's the second time
I’ve heard that.

What is the
"pussy on a pedestal" thing?

Okay, I can't listen to any more
of this, 'cause it's making me sick.

So, bye.

You can get this information
on your website, right?

-Judith: Yes.
-Thanks. Nice meeting everybody.

Judith: Any other questions?

Do you have any extra-large condoms?

Seth, you got a tiny penis.

(Sighing)

So, I made that all up
to help you out.

No, you didn't.

But thank you for doing that.

How can you tell?

Well, you know, I go to school with,
like, 400 guys

who are all trying to have sex.

And, yeah,
so I can tell who's done it.

Of course.

-And you really haven't?
-No, I really haven't.

Please don't tell your mom, okay?

-Yeah, I won't.
-Thanks.

But when are you gonna tell her?

Believe me, I’m working on it.

I am working on it.

Do you have any weed?

-Yeah.
-You do have some.

Can you spare any
or is it all spoken for?

I mean, like what are we talking?
Are we...

Just enough to get me
baked for like a week.

That's a lot of weed.

Yeah, I am taking vacation
next week, so...

-Where are you going?
-I’m not going anywhere.

-I’ll stay in my apartment.
-Just getting baked?

I want to be baked the whole time.

Watch TV,
I’ll probably re-watch Gandhi.

-Gandhi baked is good.
-Yes, isn't it?

I always feel bad
when I watch it baked

'cause I get really hungry
and I'm eating a lot

and poor Gandhi is

-fucking starving his ass off.
-Starving, I know.

(Music playing on TV)

-Sounds good.
-Yeah.

I’m going to take her to capacity.
Are you okay with that?

Give it a shot.

Freak! Oh, yeah!

Michael McDonald, man,
I haven't heard this in years.

Yeah, I haven't heard it
in like 48 minutes.

If I get the set,
will you throw in the DVD?

You don't get the set.
I’ll throw in the DVD.

I’ll take it.

-Really?
-Yeah.

(Whoops)

Y'all want to see
something beautiful? Come here.

You want to see the most beautiful
thing in the world? Check this out.

This is my baby right here.
That's my baby's dick right there.

Looks like a poltergeist.

That is his foot.

Look at his dick.
That's not even four months.

Extrapolate that.

By the time he's 30,
what's gonna happen?

Yo, Andy! Come check this out, dawg.

Ls this the movie about babies
that are geniuses?

No, this is my child, dude.
Jill is pregnant.

-That's yours?
-Jay: Yeah.

That's why she broke up with me
in the first place,

'cause she just thought
that I wouldn't be a good father

in light of the fact that
I’d be cheating on her all the time.

But she got over all that.
It's cool now.

Congratulations, man. That is great.

We having a party tonight, Andy,

and I really want you
to be there, man.

We celebrating and I
really, really want you to be there.

Lt looks like the Doppler radar.

Jay: Can you believe that?

This child
ain't even four months old.

He ain't four months old yet.
Look at what he's packing.

Everybody dick looks big
on 60-inch TV.

My sister's dick looks big
on TV, okay?

Trish: Oh, my god,
this guy, Eric Gilliland,

-he has bought, like, 1 5 of these.
-Really?

Yeah, I think he likes
action figures even more than you.

-That is impossible.
-I think so.

Andy, the way these things
are flying off your shelf,

you know, I think you
could actually make like

maybe like $1 00,000.

-Really?
-Yeah, you could open your store.

-Wow.
-Honey,

-that's a lot of money.
-I know.

That's incredible.
I wouldn't have done it without you.

Thanks.

-And that's not the only good news.
-What?

-You know what tonight is?
-Survivor is on?

-No.
-I know.

Ls it the apprentice?

No.

What?

It's our 20th date.

-Wow.
-Yeah.

-Really?
-Uh-huh.

Seriously? I think we're at 1 8.

'Cause there were
a couple of dates there

-that don't really count as dates.
-No.

I’ll give you a free pass
on those other ones.

Thank you.

-Listen.
-What?

-Listen.
-Mmm-hmm.

I really like you.

I think I’m falling for you.

I don't know.
I kind of see this going somewhere.

I do too.

I just think we should just go crazy
on each other.

-Okay.
-Okay?

Oh, thank god!

Okay, I should...
I gotta pick those up.

Don't pick them up now.

No, I have to pick those up
right now.

-Wait, we'll get them later.
-Listen, no, I can't, no.

Listen, it's really important
because

once the integrity of the box
gets compromised...

This is original packaging
and that's why these things

are so valuable.
So you don't screw with that.

-You really don't screw with that.
-All right.

We can wrap them again later,
you know.

Yeah, I know. But you know what,

this is very important
that we don't lose the value

and compromise the integrity of it.

Andy, I’m throwing myself
at you and

all you can think about
is a fucking toy.

They're not fucking toys!
This is Iron man, okay?

I got this
when I was in second grade.

Do you know how hard it is
for a kid to not open that?

This is important.

These are my things

and you are trying to make me
sell them and I don't want to.

-No.
-And you're making me.

-I’m not making...
-You are encouraging me

-to quit my job.
-I’m not! I’m not trying to...

You want me to open a store.
You want me to sell everything.

You know what,
I’m gonna tell you something.

I don't just change like that.
I can't just change for you.

I don't... I’m not trying
to change you. I like you.

I’m just... I’m trying
to help you grow up, Andy.

Well, thanks a lot.

I mean, my god, you ride a bicycle
to work in a stockroom.

You know what,
I’m not in the stockroom anymore.

-I’m a floor manager.
-Okay.

And I ride a bike because I like to.
Einstein rode a bike.

He had a wife who he fucked,
by the way.

What do I have to do
for you to have sex with me?

Do you want me to dress up
like Thor? I’ll dress up like Thor.

I’ll dress up like Iron man.

What do they do? I’ll do it.

What? Everything's always about sex.

Why don't you want
to have sex with me?

Why not? Tell me.
You tell me the truth.

Ls it because I have a kid
who has a kid? Ls that why?

No, it's cool that
you're a grandmother.

I love the fact
that you're a grandmother.

-Oh, god!
-You are. You're a hot grandma.

Oh, my god!

You are so mean! Get out!

-Okay, fine. Good!
-Good, fine. You're gonna go.

-I didn't ask for any of this.
-You asked for all of it, Andy.

Okay. Great.

(Door slamming)

Okay.

That's the way you want it,

that's the way
homie's gonna play it.

Yeah. Truth be told.

(Car horn blaring)

(Hip-hop music playing)

Baby, you better
enjoy yourself tonight

'cause once this baby's born,
you ain't going out again

till that baby is in college.

-Me?
-Yeah.

You the club rat.
I’m not the one that be going out.

I’m not a club rat.

You're gonna get up,
you march over there

and I want you
to hit on Bernadette now.

Dude, I’m not gonna hit
on Bernadette.

Yes, you are, man,

'cause your depression
is boring me for one thing

and it's actually making me
a little depressed,

which is then in turn making me
more depressed

that you're actually
affecting my mood.

Look, I’m not in any kind of place
to talk to a woman, all right?

I’m just... I’m fragile.

I hired her for you.

I hired a 90-pound girl to work
in the stockroom at smart tech

for you, okay?

I should have hired
a 300-pound guy

who could lift
a 60-inch flat screen.

But instead I hired a hot girI

who can't lift an iPod
to bring you out of your funk.

-You hired her for me?
-Yes.

So will you go talk to her?

Yeah, I’m meeting somebody.

No.

-Did you just flick me in the nuts?
-No.

Flicked you in the fleshy patch
where your nuts used to be.

(Groans)

Quit flicking my balls, man.

Okay, I’ll stop flicking your balls.

But I’ll start punching your nuts.

(Groans)

Okay.

Well played, sir.

-Okay.
-Thank you.

No problem, man. Go get them.

Mooj, you done see my son,

you know his foot gonna be
bigger than this.

If that baby looks Pakistani,
don't fucking look at me, okay?

I wouldn't mind. You got good genes.
How old are you? What, 1 38?

When your son is born,
is he already in parole?

I need some poon.

You guys were so right,
right from the beginning.

I need genital to genital connection
and that's all I need.

You know, the thing about
relationships is that they

make one person go...

(Gibbering)

And the other person go,
"what are you talking about?"

And then one person goes...

(Gibbering)

How much have you had to drink, man?

How much have I had to drink?
How many pots have you smoken?

What are you talking about?

How many times have you gone
to the bathroom in your life?

Let me ask you that.

You know what, you don't have
an answer for that, do you?

Fuck you, man! I’m sorry.

No, you're such a good guy,
and I appreciate you.

What's up, baby, I didn't know
you had came already.

Hey, motherfucker!

(Both laughing)

Man, you know what,
tonight is the night.

You know what, you were
totally right and I was wrong.

You were right all along.
You cannot have a relationship

with somebody until

you have sex and that's the long,

that's the long and short of it.

-So, thank you.
-That's good.

And now I have to go hunt
for some hos.

(Laughing)

-He going to be all right?
-No, I don't think he is.

-Cal's a good guy.
-Yeah, he's a great guy.

It's so funny, because, you know,

when I first met him and I thought
you were cute at the store

-he told me you were gay.
-I’m not gay.

Cal says that I’m gay
because he has a real problem

with his own gayness.

But seriously, I’m going
to lay it out for you, right now.

I was a little reticent
to come over and talk to you.

You're very pretty and you seem
very nice. The truth is

I dated this woman, let me
rephrase that, I dated this whore

who stomped all over my heart.

And it's just taking me
a little while to kind of,

you know, get back in the game.

Oh, my god. Say no more.

My last boyfriend Sal Jr,
is a scum bag.

I would totally pay people
to have him killed.

That's how much I fucking hate
that damn scum bag.

-God, you're fucking awesome.
-You too.

Hey, you!

-Hey.
-Hey.

How you doing?

Much better,
now that I’m talking to you.

Hey, lookie,
I can see through your shirt.

Nice.

So, you think we should

take this party to my apartment
or what?

I am RSVPing "yes."

Hope you have a big trunk
because I’m putting my bike in it.

Yeah, let's go!

Mom, I left my phone
somewhere and I...

Thank you.

What's the matter? Where is Andy?

-We had a big fight, just...
-Oh, mom.

He just stormed out of here.

What happened?

Well, I just... wait a minute,
I thought you hated him.

I don't hate him.
I mean, he does do magic, but,

you know, he's a big dork

and I like seeing you happy.

I do.

-That's sweet, that's really sweet.
-Mom.

Why don't you just go talk to him,
work it out.

'Cause if the thing is
that important, you can't just stop.

-Let me dance for you.
-I would love it.

(Music playing on stereo)

Look at your bra and your breasts
and everything. That's so great.

Wow! You know what?
You're so hot. You're so hot.

I’m smoking hot.

You know what? I’m just going
to have sex with you.

Yes! Let's have sex.

-It's going to happen.
-That's why we are here.

That's totally what's going
to happen.

We could do it in the...

Butt, if you want to.

(Both laughing)

But, if I want to what?

-Butt.
-But what? What?

-Do it.
-Do it?

What?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

-Butt.
-But...

-What?
-What?

But, it still feels so right.

(Scatting)

Yeah!

(Gasping)

Yeah. Right! Okay. Yeah.

That was a fun day.

You are so kinky.

Yeah, I’m so kinky.

That's why I did this
because I thought it looks...

You like to shave, don't you?

-Let's shave each other.
-I don't think you have any hair.

You know where to shave me.

-Yeah.
-Because I want to shave you.

I want to shave your head.

I wanna give you a buzz cut.

Let's get in the bath.

Ln the bath?

Yes. We're gonna get dirty.
Dirty, dirty. Sudsy.

It's just about time
I got really dirty.

Yeah.

Hey. Hi, it's me,
and I’m on my way to your house.

I want to do whatever
you want to do, okay?

Fifty dates. 100.
I hope not, but whatever.

I’m gonna see you soon, okay? Bye.

(Beth laughing)

Wow. Okay, well, that was fast.
Okay.

(Groans)

Wow! Holy shit!

Wow. This is just the right thing
to happen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Wow!
Almost got my penis.

Come to mama.

I’m gonna really take care
of you tonight.

You're never gonna forget Beth.

I just want to please you.

What do you like?

I don't know. What do you like?

Can I show you what I like?

Okay.

It's so hot in here.

I wanna introduce you to my friend.

Your friend is so shiny.

This guy knows exactly what I like.

Where's your friend going?

This is how I’m gonna
warm up for you.

That's always good to warm up.
You don't wanna pull something.

(Moaning)

(Exclaims)

Wow, this is graphic.

(Laughing)

I can't do it.

God, what are you doing here?

We came here because we were
concerned about you and Trish

and now I could not give a fuck.

How did you even know
where she lives?

-I hit it like eight months back.
-What?

Never gave her back the key, man.
You have no idea

where this is going, all right?
That girl is a freak.

Beth: Oh, it's happening!
It's happening! Andy!

You think?

We've been talking, and look,

if you love Trish,
you can't do this.

Look, you guys,
I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I don't even know who I am.
All I know is

that woman
scares the shit out of me

and I just wanna go home, okay?

-Let's go.
-We should all get out of here.

-Okay.
-Cal: We should all go.

-Lt wasn't that good for me.
-We should totally get out of here.

We should run away from here.

(Beth moaning)

Hey.

(Beth laughing)

Cal.

(Car horns blaring)

Go around!

Come on, just go around me!

Can't you hear me?

Hey, there. Hi, Trish.

Man, I’m really sorry about tonight.

What's this?

Those are David's.

I think he has a problem.

-These are David's?
-He's into that.

David's boner jams '03?

Yeah, it's so sad.

He compiled all the best
boner scenes, I guess.

This isn't what it looks like, okay?

-What does this look like?
-A vagina.

And what do you do with this vagina?

To learn.
It's for medicinal purposes.

-Hey, I’m sorry. God...
-What's this?

This your date drug? Your roofie?

It's a Mentos.

They're "the freshmaker."

Yeah, right.

What are you,
some kind of sex pervert?

Are you a deviant or something?

-No, I’m not a sexual deviant!
-What is all this?

I haven't even tried
to have sex with you, so...

What are you trying to do?
What are you buttering me up for?

Come on.

You're not gonna try and kill me,
are you?

-Look, Trish.
-You didn't get a new carpet.

I’m not trying to kill you.
I love you.

-I love you.
-Oh, god!

Trish.

(Heat of the moment playing)

Trish. No!

No. Trish, stop.

Come on, Trish!

I need to talk to you!

No!

Damn it.

(Exclaiming)

(Groans)

Oh, my god!

(Car horn blaring)

Andy! Oh, my god!

Call 91 1 .

Oh, my... Andy.

Oh, my god!

I’m gonna need a minute.
I’m in a lot of pain right now.

Oh, my god. Are you okay?

Not bad.

There were two sides
to that billboard.

And they both hurt equally.

Andy.

(Exhaling)

-Are you okay?
-I’m okay.

No, I’m not okay.

I’m a virgin.

A what?

I’m a virgin. I always have been.

Andy, is that what
all this was about?

I’m sorry.

You're just a virgin, that's all?

-Yeah.
-That's good. That's a good thing.

I feel stupid.

It's okay. I thought
you were trying to kill me.

No.

Oh, my god.

No, I’m not trying to kill you.

That's why I never tried
to have sex with you.

I was scared, okay? I just...

'Cause I didn't know
what I was doing.

I just didn't think
it would be good.

Of course it'll be good.
We love each other.

Really?

I love you.

Yeah.

(Car horn honking)

Get the fuck out of the road,
virgin!

Shut up, you fucking jerk!

No, that's okay.
That's all right. Sorry.

You know what,

for so long I thought that there was
something wrong with me

because it had never happened, but

I realize now that it was just
because I was waiting for you.

This was some wedding.
How could they afford it?

Dude sells his toys and makes
like a half a million dollars.

-It's crazy, right?
-That's fucking crazy.

We're gonna get some fucking toys.

We are all so happy for you.

I am delighted to say these words.

Andy,

you may kiss the bride.

(People exclaiming)

(Cheering)

And for god's sake,
consummate the thing.

No! Stop it. I have the key.

(Exclaims)

I’m not gonna be done
buffing the marble

for about a half an hour, but

you can come in and sit down
if you want

or wait in the lobby. It's okay.

It's up to you.

(Humming)

Dude, get the fuck out of here.

-Ready?
-Yeah.

-Yes.
-Yeah.

(Trish moans)

Whoa.

You're officially not a virgin.

Cool.

Wow.

Wanna do it again?

-Yeah.
-Good. Okay.

Sure.

That was good. That was okay.

Okay.

-You ready?
-Yeah.

-Are you ready?
-Yeah, I’m fine, yeah.

(Panting)

So, how was that for you?

(Singing) When the moon

is in the seventh house

and Jupiter aligns with Mars

then peace will guide the planets

and love will steer the stars

this is the dawning
of the age of Aquarius

age of Aquarius

Aquarius

Harmony and understanding

sympathy and trust abounding

no more falsehoods or derisions
golden living dreams of visions

mystic crystal revelations

and the mind's true liberation

Aquarius

when the moon is
in the seventh house

and Jupiter aligns with Mars

then peace will guide the planets

and love will steer the star

this is the dawning
of the age of Aquarius

the age of Aquarius

Aquarius

it's Aquarius, baby

we ain't talking about no Scorpio

we ain't talking about no

no, we ain't talking
about no Scorpio

Aquarius

let the sunshine

let the sunshine in

the sunshine in

let the sunshine

let the sunshine in

the sunshine in

let the sunshine

let the sunshine in

-the sunshine in
-let it shine, let it shine

let the sunshine

let it shine

let it shine, yeah

the sunshine in

let the sunshine

let the sunshine in

the sunshine in

(Just got lucky playing)