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The Adventure of The Wonderful Potato
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In the beginning, the big Motherpotato was laid.
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It was the sun!
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And the sun sprouted and grew tubers, and one of the tubers became Earth.
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In South America, high up in the Andes, the Motherpotato created a tuber in its own image.
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And it sprouted and grew tubers in the ground.
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And thus, the wonderful potato came to Earth!
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What's wonderful about that thing? It is edible!
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No no no, not the plant, it's poisonous!
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It's the tubers down in the ground that are edible.
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And if you leave one of them in the ground,
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then you can dig up 10 just a few months afterwards.
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The indians in the Andes are the first people to know the potato.
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They understand that it is a wonderful gift for them.
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And they praise the large Motherpotato in the sky.
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Through thousands of years, the Indians learn how to grow potatoes on large terraces in the mountains.
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They discover that it tastes great if they boil and roast it.
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Or mash it, for that matter.
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And that it keeps fresh for years if they press the water out of it and freezedry it.
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They make potato beer as well.
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Sometimes, they come across some useless chunks:
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Gold.
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It's not edible, but it shines like the great Motherpotato.
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As a thanksgiving for being well-fed each day, they build sun temples filled with gold.
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They call themselves the "Inca", and their king, "son of the sun".
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In the year 1532, the sun king is named Atahualpa.
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He could've been eating his potatoes for a lot of years,
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if just the rumour of all of his gold had not been so widely dispersed.
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On the other side of Earth sits the emperor of the half of Europe,
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Charles the V,
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who is in debt.
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So the rumours of the Inca and their gold is sweet music in his ears.
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Charles sends a bunch of conquistadors from Spain towards the Inca; Their leader is called "Francisco Pizarro"
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A reckless adventurer.
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The Spaniards are quickly to the point.
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They kill Atahualpa and most of his people and steal their gold.
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They can now return to Spain with pride.
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But wait, the Spaniards' chef, Carlos, needs something to fill the cauldrons on the long trip home.
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They plunder the Incas' storage of food where they, among other things, find the potato.
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The Spaniards have never seen anything like that before.
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Even though the taste is unfamiliar,
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Carlos decides to take them back home anyway,
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just to be sure.
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And now the trip home commences,
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with the cargo heavily loaded with Inca gold.
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Carlos is serving boiled, salted meat,
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and his new discovery; Potatoes.
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Most of the crew sticks to the meat,
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that's what they're used to.
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On the months long sea trip, the meat has trouble staying fresh, though.
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While the potatoes are doing just fine!
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Those that still deny eating potatoes,
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become sick with scurvy,
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and many of them dies.
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While those that eat their potatoes are thriving well!
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At this time, they are still unaware of the presence of the vital vitamin-C,
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but Carlos understands what amazing present the potato is.
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The ship returns to Spain,
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Charles takes all the gold,
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and Carlos gets what is left of the potatoes.
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Proudly, he returns home with the best he has found in the foreign, home to his wife.
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The potato has come to Europe.
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And here, it shows another wondrous ability;
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It can set roots nearly everywhere it is placed.
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Carlos tries to convince his breathren that the potato is absolutely fantastic!
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But no one can see the fantastic: "we've been growing all sorts of cereal for thousands of years, why not continue with that?"
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Carlos must once again take a job as a chef, and wanders around Europe with the Spanish army.
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Along the way, he preaches of the potato and its abilities, and puts a single potato in the ground here and there,
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but meets the same answer everywhere;
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"What's wonderful about that?"
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Carlos gives up.
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He goes to sea once more with his potatoes.
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In the year 1588, the Spanish fleet "The Invincible Armada" sails up North to conquer England.
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But the English fleet is waiting in ambush.
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It's a catastrophy!
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The Spanish tries to escape, directly into a horrible storm.
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And that is how the potato came to Ireland!
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The Irish are a very poor and starved people.
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Their land is controlled by Englishmen,
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*SPOOKY JUMPSCARE*
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who have been setting up large mansions,
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and made the Irish into poor peasants.
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The Irish loan small plots of land by the English, which they use to grow their cereal.
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But the resulting harvest is so small, that they have difficulty living off of it.
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Therefore, they see the great in everything edible.
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Carlos teaches the Irish the art of potato farming,
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and finally rests with his beloved tubers.
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The Irish realises that they can exploit their farmland better.
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Where they once grew cereal, they now grow potatotes.
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And the harvest is four times as large!
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The English realises as well, that they can exploit the Irish better.
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When one peasant gets four times as many crops on one plot...
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Then one peasant should be able to live with a quarter of a plot!
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The poor Irishmen are now relying completely on the potato.
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The rest of Europe is still sceptical when it comes to the potato.
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It's not mentioned in the Bible,
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Alas, it is not accepted by God.
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It is said, that which grows above the ground belongs to God and the living,
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while that which grows beneath the ground belongs to the Devil and his underground Hell.
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In 1618, Hell is once again present on the surface.
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The Thirty Years War breaks out in Europe.
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The peasants' cereal farms are burned down;
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The potato fields as well.
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But the potatoes have taken no harm from the fire.
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They are lying nice and safely beneath the ground,
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like an emergency storage of food for the survivors.
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And it is in war and need, that the human begins to love the potato.
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A big creator of war and need is in 1740 the king of Prussia, Frederick the Great.
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He sees the potato as a saviour for his starving people.
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He knows that they are sceptical, but he gets his way.
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Not everyone needs to be force-fed, though.
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The french officer and scientist, Parmentier, is a war prisoner of Frederick the Great.
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Here he learns how to love the potato;
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It's the only thing that the prison serves.
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Sent back to France, Parmentier tries to convince the poor peasants to the great nutritional values of the potato.
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But realises that he has to be more cunning.
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He introduces the potato as the center of a feast for the king, Louis the XVI.
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The queen, Marie-Antoinette, is gifted a bouquet of the beautiful potato plant's flowers.
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A potato doesn't go any higher than that!
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From now on, it's a luxury to eat potatoes in France.
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To make it even more precious, Parmentier sets up a fence and guards at the potato farms.
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However, the guard is sent home at night, and everything happens according to Parmentier's plan.
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Through cunning and cleverness, fine potatoes now grow in poor people's gardens.
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At the same time in the Nordic Countries, the potato becomes well known with the natives.
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It is discovered that the potato is great at producing aquavit.
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More death and suffering is on its way, though.
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In 1804, Napoleon Bonaparte becomes emperor of France.
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He decides to go to war with the whole of Europe at the same time.
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Hunger follows in the tracks of the war, and the potato becomes vital.
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In 1815 Napoleon is totally defeated,
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and the only real victor left on the battlefield is the potato.
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The potato has conquered Europe.
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From being deemed a worthless piece of trash, the potato is now the most important food for millions of people.
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In 1845 is the Irish potato harvest looking excellent.
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But what's that now?
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All the potatoes are rotten!
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They are inedible!
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Everywhere in Ireland, all the potatoes are rotting at the speed of light, and there's nothing they can do.
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A horrible and until now unknown potato sickness is spreading.
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The potato pest is the reason for hunger and death.
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The Irish that are living almost exclusively off of potatoes are the ones experiencing the hardest impact.
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From 1845 to 1847 over 1 million people die of starvation.
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The Grim Reaper wanders through Europe.
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Some people believe that it is God's punishment against the sinful people,
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while others are intensively trying to cure the sick potato.
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They find out that the sickness is caused by a quickly growing mold,
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but they are helpless to stop it.
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When everything looks darkest, it is the potato itself that takes up the fight.
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The best specimens slowly build up resistance against the mold.
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The potato has defeated the sickness!
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In the following 100 years, until our time, the potato wanders all around the globe, fulfilling its success.
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The potato has now become yours, and mine, and the whole world's gold nugget.
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