All language subtitles for Big.Jay.Oakerson.Dog.Belly.2023.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]ENG

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- How old are you?

21. That's so young.

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Do you like this kind of comedy?

- [Audience Member]
His parents brought us.

- His parents brought you?

That is weird.

Really?

You came with your folks to Vegas?

Are you sharing a room with 'em?

Are you in an adjacent room with them?

They don't wanna hear your
guys weird, wiccan fucking.

You think your parents
are banging here in town?

- Definitely.
- Definitely.

How old are they?

- They're 50.
- 50? Yeah, probably.

Vegas fucking too.

You don't wanna think about it?

Let me describe it for you.

Your mom, still limber for her age,

holding her ankles, head down hard.

Your dad giving her the biz from behind,

and it's good because your
mom's bent over so much

that her puss is just a perfect
line right in front of him.

She's still got it, your mom.

And then your dad's got
his hands on the window,

looking at the in the distance going,

"I'm the king of the world, dude."

PS, they both did coke.

That's right, your mom did coke
off your dad's dick tonight.

But it's Vegas.

You guys are banging here

even though your parents are here, right?

You're in the same hotel with 'em?

- Different towers.
- Different towers.

Damn, they really did want to fuck, huh?

It's 50 something year old fucking too,

there's a lot of salves involved and,

am I saying that right, salves?

Your mom's Bangay-ing up
her fucking cooch bone,

whatever that is.

What's that, the chonch bone?

I don't speak Latin.

White claw drunk, someone's
about to show their titties

out of a moonroof.

That's pretty chill.

Slow down, don't get too fucked up.

Girl drunk is a very fickle bitch.

For girl drunk to be fun,

it's the most exact
recipe in all of drinking

and, yet, also every
girl's recipe is different.

Isn't that weird?

And in 45 years almost of being alive,

I've yet to meet a woman
who knows her own recipe

for staying fun drunk.

Not one girl knows her recipe,

like, "I stop here and I'm good."

Girl drunk always starts
off in the daytime

when the girl's like, "We're gonna get
drunk tonight and have fun,

and it's gonna be great."

And then five hours later

they come over to you
with like a wonky eye

and they're like,
"You wanna ..."

And you're like,
"No, come on, you're doing it,

you're having fun, you're drunk."

And you think they'd be
like, "Yeah, I did it."

No, they're always like,
"What are you, my dad?

What am I doing, fucking up? Fuck you."

"Here's why I say your friends are hot."

My girl just stopped drinking
altogether, she had to quit.

That sucks.

I mean, good health-wise I guess

but, man, her good times drunk were great.

Those fun hours were great,

but never got through a full night

without the bad coming around the corner.

I never knew her recipe but,
I could tell you,

around three shots of tequila she ruled.

She be at the bar trying to
get pussy for both of us.

And then one more sip of alcohol,

I gotta stop her from
fighting a cop or something,

she's like, "You fucking pig!
You're all pigs."

And I'm like, "Ehhhh, she's..."

Every guy knows that I about his girl,

your chick is one sip of alcohol

between the best
blowjob of your life

or yesterday's spaghetti
in your dick hair.

And then you gotta be cool,

you're like, "No, it's fine,"
and you try not to puke,

"It's totally, no."

And you gotta pull it out and you're like,

"No, I don't care."

"We're all adults here."

Sorry guys, that's a
very graphic pantomime.

You could almost see those noodles

reverse plinkoing through my beaver.

That was so descriptive.

It's cool, we're all adults.

I try to stop saying
the term 'I'm an adult'.

I've never meant it
once when I've said it.

It's an overused term, 'I'm an adult',

I've only used it to get our way.

That's all any guy does, right?

If you wanna do something
nobody else wants to do,

you're like, "I don't give a shit,

I'm doing it anyway. I'm an adult."

And then if you don't
wanna do it you're like,

"I don't have to do it,
I'm a fucking adult."

And that's how I use it.

Opposite sides of the same argument,

I'll-- Any guy will.

If you're early dating with somebody

and the dude wants to fuck
and the girl goes,

"Ah, I would but I'm on my period, so..."

The guy would be like,
"I don't give a shit about that.

A little blood on my dick?

I'll fuck right through that period,

I'll put a towel down."

"I don't give a shit, I'm an adult."

And then be living together
for like five years

and she gets horny on her
period one day and she's like,

"Babe, I'm on my period
but I'm so horny."

You're gonna be like,
"Ah, I don't know babe."

It's like, "I gotta put a towel down,

there's gonna be blood all over my dick."

It's like, "I could wait
a few days, I'm an adult.

What am I gonna fuck every day?

Am I gonna fuck every day now?

Now I'm the fuck every day guy?

Come on, grow up.

Be an adult."

Fucking getting hammered.

What are you drinking?

You don't even know?

You're a black woman and you
just let a white bald guy

buy you a drink and not
tell you what it was?

You're just taking his word for it?

Wow. That's progress.

Pretty chill.

You're a couple I assume.

Nice. First black woman for you?

I didn't think so.

First white dude for you?
Not a chance in hell.

Is it really?

He was the first?

What kind of pressure was that, dude?

When you were gonna show her

her first white dick ever, dude?

Damn, man, you were fucking fighting

for a whole race of people in that moment.

You don't even know,
that's her forever thought

of white dicks.

I wouldn't disgrace white men

by being the first white
dick a black woman saw.

No way in hell.

No way in hell!

He's got a biggie, huh?

- Thicky.
- Thicky? Yeah.

She got tired of those
black longies, right?

Coming out of her butt hole
like a god damn nose piercing.

I'm sorry, I'm very descriptive.

It's colorful language.

First white dude, what happened?

You started wanting to sit at work again?

Can't take those black dick poundings

and have a sit down job.

It's gonna take you 25
minutes to get in your chair,

you're gonna be like,

"Oh, it still stings."

"Ooh!"

Like, "You wanna go get lunch?"

You're like, "No, no, no, no."

"Bring me back a hot dog."

You were just ready.

Has your family met him yet?

Yeah? Does he go to the barbecues

and they all laugh while he dances?

"Yo, Tommy, do that dance," you said.

Watch this mother fucker."

"Do your dance that you do."

Does his family do awkward

like black shit when you're around?

They make collared greens for you? Nu-uh.

They tried?

Really? They presented this
like the food of your people?

Damn...

I hope your old white mom
came out in a dashiki and shit.

"We're down, we're players."

"You know, I blew a security guard

to go to a Parliament concert once."

♪ Flash light ♪

Crowd's too white to get
those sick black references.

Maybe I should look into a black woman.

Thickie, impressive.

Impressive.

Were you nervous to go out on a date

with a white guy for the first time?

- It was time for a change.
- It was time for a change.

Yeah, somebody needed a
co-signer for a Kia Sportage.

Hell yeah, dude.

"Hey boo."

"Would you mind throwing
your John Hancock down?"

Are you married now?

You just live together?

My chick and me been together
for a long time now,

I think over 10 years at this point.

Thought that quarantine was gonna kill us.

I thought in the beginning
it was gonna be awesome,

we used to fuck all the time
before the quarantine.

And then one day the government was like,

"Yo, you're gonna be locked inside

for about three months, at least."

And I was like, "Ooh, boy.

We're gonna have to leave the windows open

all day long to get the
salty, bleachy smell

of cum out of the air."

"That's how much
fucking's about to go on."

And then that same day, I think,

we found out that
Taco Bell is now delivering.

And then we never fucked again.

You're never fucking after Taco Bell,

even if you promise yourself

tonight you're gonna, you don't.

You just both hold your bellies

and hope the other one
doesn't bring it up anymore.

Like, "What?"

"No, I don't know, you wanna
start a Netflix series?

I'll kick into something new."

But we had to get back on track.

I mean, I asked one friend

of how we can get our sex back on track.

One and one only, and then
I didn't do it ever again

'cause I found out people
offer you the advice

of what their thing is

and then if you're not into it, they get-

I asked one friend, I was like,

"Hey, what should I do to get

me and my chick's sex back on track?"

He goes, "Role play."

And I was like, "Nah, that's stupid."

And I could tell by his reaction to that

that he was super into role play.

And I was like, "Nah, it's dumb."

He's like, "Oh yeah, big guy?

You take yourself so seriously,

you're so fucking cool you
can't do a little role play?"

And that's not the issue at all.

Take myself too seriously?

I think you gotta take
yourself pretty seriously

to commit to a fuck character.

I don't take myself seriously at all,

that's why I can't do it.

You want me to not laugh

while got on a neck tie
and a horsetail butt plug

and 'Professor Clippedy Clop says,

Do your naughty girl homework.' "

I don't know, let's just fuck or break up.

I hate this.

Is anybody in here wearing a butt plug?

Whoo!

I believe him.

The odds say that somebody in here

might be wearing a butt plug.

No one ever says yes.

I just have like a logistic question,

if I make you laugh so hard

that you fart-shit out a butt plug,

is the etiquette to go to the bathroom,

rinse it off, put in your bag,

or do you just try to
line back up over it?

"What's up? What was he saying?"

"What was this guy talking about?"

Role play is not my deal.

Tit slaps. That's what got us

back in the game, weirdly enough.

Her tits. It was pretty organic.

We were forcing a fuck session,

we're like, "Yo, we gotta try something."

And here titties were out

and I gave him a good crack,

and she loved it.

And now back in the game, I don't know,

it got us right back on track,

slapping her dumb tits this whole time.

I had no idea.

She's got little titties,
though, which I love.

But I will say, now that I'm
in the tit slap community,

I do think the most
rewarding of a tit slap

comes from like a heavy set of milkers,

you know what I mean?

Like a real truck nuts of tits,

the kind with like the veins,
like MapQuest directions

and the nipple points down
kind of kisses the muffin top,

gleams the cube.

You can get under it and bite a lip.

Ah! It's gonna feel great,
just 'kakaow!'

Get all that action.

But my girl's got little titties

so my slaps look more like

I'm trying to quietly
reprimand a child in the mall.

Like, "Put that down right now.

I swear to God, if you don't...

Fucking look at me, and knock
it off and put it down."

I love her little titties.

I don't give a shit about big titties.

I mean, I like him as
much as the next guy.

Are you a tit guy?

Is it exciting that your
girl's got big titties?

I've always been
intimidated by big titties.

In a weird way, it's like

it's based in something
that's not even real.

Honestly, my fear of big titties

is based in something not real

and I still react to it.

Do you guys have that ever?

Your body reacts to something
you know is not real.

It's the same thing that
makes me run up the stairs

from a dark basement
at 44 years old still.

I know there's nothing back there,

but the one time I look back

there's like a demon in a
tuxedo holding wine and I'm-

so I just jog up and look
weird for a second upstairs,

like, "Is dinner ready or whatever?"

"Why are you outta breath?"

Like, "Nah, I just fuckin'..."

Such as with big tits,
it's an irrational fear.

I've always thought, and this is dumb,

know that I know this
is dumb when I say it,

but I've always thought that
if a woman's got big titties,

she probably wants to be titty fucked.

Dumb, I know, it's based in nothing real.

But then I get insecure 'cause I think

when a woman is picturing
herself being titty fucked,

which is very vulnerable for
a young lady, by the way.

Know that I know that, girls, I'm an ally.

Getting titty fucked is
not your finest hour.

You're laying on your back,

you got some dude's ass
and nuts on your stomach.

Humiliating.

You're gathering up your
left tit with your right arm,

trying to get in front of
you to make that tunnel

like the old days.

You got seven necks
'cause you're doing this.

I think a woman expects...
No,

I think a woman deserves,

for all of that effort looking ridiculous,

that at very least some
dick is gonna emerge

from this side of the titties.

And I'm worried I'm gonna be
in the middle of the tunnel

with all the bra marks and shit.

I'll be giving everything I have, though.

You can see those dents in
my ass from pushing real hard

like I'm trying to cross a finish line.

I'll be pulling down on their top tit,

just trying to condense that profile.

You just gotta get the
helmet out on the other side,

once the helmet's out you're locked in.

It's the same physics of, say,

you put an air conditioner in a window,

you know what I mean,
it holds itself in place.

But I'm sorry, I don't wanna talk science.

I'm talking science.

Learn the crowd, bro.

All my jokes are personal by
the way, I got no topical shit.

Which is probably good
I guess for a special

but... I guess I don't write comedy good.

I can't keep up with the pace of news

for stuff I wanna write about.

Well, I always try to write
about the most fucked-up shit,

you know what I mean?

But I have to like, process the bad of it

before I can make a joke,
you know what I mean?

I have to find how I
can make it on the edge

but not too much, but it's hard,
it moves too fast.

You know what I mean?

Bill Cosby's already
out of prison, he's out.

I never wrote a joke
about him going to prison,

'cause I'm still trying to process

that Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable's
fucking unconscious women.

I believe it but it's crazy,

he got mad when Theo got an earring.

Now he's fucking unconscious women.

Damn dude. I used to watch
that show every Thursday

with my single mother, just daydreaming,

"Oh man, I wish my dad
was a black pussy doctor."

No such luck.

R. Kelly, anybody here under 26 years old?

I did some math on this.

Yeah? Damn dude, it's
a weird time for you.

You don't know a world
where Kurt Cobain's alive.

Isn't that weird?

You don't know a world where R. Kelly

isn't just a pedophile who
pees on and fucks children.

That's all you know him as.

Ah, but he was so much
more for a little bit.

When I was young he was a living legend,

that guy threw out bangers every year.

Oh, he ruled.

R. Kelly made this fat fuck
think he could dance

for two summers straight.

Those songs were simple, man.

He couldn't read, look it up,

so they're not gonna give
him difficult song structure.

You don't give an illiterate
guy difficult song structure,

those are made for a fatso to dance to,

beep-bop-boop, bip and bop.

He was a legend.

Now he's got fucking pre-teens
running around his studio

like loose deli cats,

you gotta shoo him off the equipment,

"Get outta here, Tiwana,
go back to your pee cave."

Shoo.

James Franco, they tried to get.

I don't know the story behind,
I just saw the headline,

"James Franco accused
of sexual harassment."

And I didn't read the article,

because I don't wanna know.

If he did, I hope he gets what he deserves

but I don't want know, man,

'cause if I read that article...

I always wanna believe a victim,

I don't wanna believe
people make that shit up.

I know they do but like,
if I read that article

I'm gonna walk away being like,

"James Franco sexually
harassed that girl."

And I don't want that, I don't
wanna live in that world.

And I don't know if the women
will even understand this

but the guys get it, I don't want to know.

Do you know what I mean?

If James Franco has to
sexually harass to get pussy,

then I better learn how
to fuck in a ski mask.

You know what I mean?

That guy was Oz.

What do I got going on?

Crooked teeth and shit.

That Michael Jackson documentary,

I think I found some funny on it.

And that was a hard one.

That was a hard one for me
'cause, again, I'm almost 45

so Michael Jackson was, in my wheelhouse,

the coolest thing in the
world when I was a kid.

I learned the entire
Thriller choreography

and performed it for my
great-grandmother Selma Eisenstein.

Yeah, she was less than a
good audience, I will say.

And it sucks 'cause I was drilling it too,

I had the whole thing.

She had the tubes in her nose,

she was like, "It's wonderful."

I'm like, "Shut the fuck up
grandma Selma Eisenstein.

You don't know shit, you don't
even know if this is good."

I was such a big fan

and I followed him all through
my teens and adulthood,

and we always heard the stories,
we heard what a creep,

and that they call him a
pedophile, all the accusations.

But this dude, Michael Jackson
walked through the raindrops.

He died, technically, in the
legal eyes, an innocent man,

and then two years ago

they released four hours
of documentary of him

just wailing on the assholes
of these two young boys.

I mean, putting in the work.

And it crushed me to watch it.

I believe it, but it really killed me

to watch it as such a fan

but, also, I have to watch
everything with a comedian's eye.

And I try to make funny, as I said,

of the most fucked-up shit

but I have to let it process first.

You know what I mean?

And this was like, I think I did good

with Michael Jackson documentary

'cause I tried to go for the worst thing,

and did anybody in here see it?

Who saw all four hours of it?

'Cause I like people, you saw it?

I want you to back me up,
and this is verbatim.

It sounds like I'm making it up,

'cause I thought the most crazy thing

in the Michael Jackson documentary

was both these young men
described, separately,

but they described the same exact story

so I believe them, of going
to Michael Jackson's house,

having to get butt naked
on all fours on his bed

while "spreading their
butt cheeks", correct?

Spreading their butt cheeks open.

Yeah, and then Michael
Jackson would lay behind them

with no pants on, just a shirt.

They specified that for some reason,

and he would masturbate.

And that fucking sucks, that's
not funny, in and of itself.

But you gotta look at
how cool comedy could be

if you let it, you know what I mean?

Now I know that I just
painted a pretty ugly picture,

I know that, I'm not a monster.

That was a horrible
thing I just described.

But really, let's be honest,

there's only one problem we
have with the picture, really.

There's a little boy
spreading his butt cheeks.

Look how cool I'm gonna be,
take him outta the picture.

You don't need him anymore for this funny,

and instead put yourself in his place.

Right now, the adult you are,
making adult decisions.

And today you decided to
spread your butt cheeks

for Michael Jackson.

And I mean you are spreading them,

that's the King of Pop behind,

you're not gonna today.

If there there was a day

you were gonna grip and
rip that shitter open,

this is the one, this is the
big dance, this is the show.

You know those lines by your asshole

where it looks like it's going
warp speed, those are flat.

The pleats are ironed, if you feel me.

And I will argue with you that it is funny

when you picture looking
over your shoulder

and you see the moonwalker
himself, Donald Ducking it

with the top half of a uniform

for an army that doesn't exist,

and his glitter gloved hand

wrapped around his cow skin
speckled wiener.

Shut the fuck up, that is funny.

I bet his dick looks like dog belly.

Do you get a picture of
what I mean when I say that?

Can you picture it?

You can almost chew on it, couldn't you?

It's not even soft or hard,

it's always in a state of dense, wiggly.

What a jerk-off comedy move I just did.

What a hand job, but you guys are nuts.

Where'd you meet this guy?

You moved to Denver with him?

Damn, that guy's got a
big dick or a sick job.

Both? What's his job?

- [Audience Member] He works for North Face,

he's a designer-

A designer for North Face?

That's not a good job.

What does he say?

"Hey guys, I got an idea, a puffy.

Oh, puffy and warm."

Guys, fur on the hood, eureka.

No, no, no. We struck gold,
dude, lightning in a bottle.

Big puffy black jacket."

"Can we make a red one?"

"You're getting crazy."

"No, man. Gordon Ramsey tells you,

small menu, good product."

Do you shave bald completely?

- Close.
- Close?

Landing strip.

Sick.

I don't know why comedy's so easy

to get people to say crazy like that.

If you ask her that at 7/11,

she'd crack you in the chops
for asking that question,

I'm like, "What's your
pussy situation like?"

She's like, "I got landing
strip, for the most part."

You by yourself?

- Yes, I am.
- Strange.

Did they sat you next to two couples

so you could see how lonely you are?

What a dick, the seating person
did that on purpose, dude.

Have you been their third wheel?

- Yeah.
- Shut up, is that true?

You just got a guy with a
mohawk hanging with you?

Yo, you guys, do you fuck in front of him?

Not yet. Oh dude, if it happens,

you owe me something, dude.

You gotta send me cell phone pictures.

Oh no, let me jerk off
in the other dark corner,

I swear to god you won't
even know I'm there.

I'm like a house mouse dude.

I jerk quiet, all wrist,
no shoulder or nothing,

I'm not trying to prove
anything to anybody.

I'll finish up and then
I'll sock up my own batch,

and then I'll he'll walk outta your place

so I don't snail trail the
jizz across your Pergo floors.

It's a pretty good house guest.

You'll be confused, you'll be like,
"Jay, where you going?"

I'll be like, "It's jizz,
it's fine, don't worry.

No, you guys do your thing."

Dark corner, I don't want
this guy to see my dick.

No. Well, if it's bigger than yours,

I'll show it to you but
it's probably not, so I won't.

I guess the real fear is what if our dicks

are close to the same size

and we have to find out who's is bigger?

Of all the technology in the world,

there's still only one test for that.

We have to both work up boners

and run towards each other, full speed.

Whose ever dick hits the
other guy's balls first wins.

Maybe it's not a good idea,
you're right.

Now I'm thinking of all the negatives.

What if that one in a million shot

and we're running towards each
other, our dick holes kiss

and then our foreheads clumped together.

Me and you are unconscious,

these two are trying not to laugh

explaining to the ambulance what happened,

and me and you got a string of pre-jizz

connecting our dick holes

like "Lady and the Tramp" spaghetti.

Nah dude, I'm all right.

Maybe it'll happen, dude.

The chicks here are getting drunk.

How old are you girls?

- [Audience Member] 40.

- 40, and you came by yourself?

- Single.
- You're single.

Divorced?
- Nope, never married.

Never married and 40.

That's... I already smell the cat piss.

Don't die in that sad cat house.

Your poor mom's gonna get a call one day

and it's gonna be like, "Meow, meow, meow.

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow."

"Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Slow down."

"Meow, meow-"

"No, no."

"No."

Do you have cats?

None. But a dog who loves peanut butter?

A drawer in your nightstand
that you call the gun shed.

Those were all solid guesses,

and for the record,
she didn't say no to any of them.

May have nailed every single one of them.

You're enjoying yourself, though,

I don't worry so much about you, miss.

At 40, you're ready to
laugh at this kind of shit.

I usually, the young white
girls is where I get...

They're the ones that are gunning for me,

and they're gunning hard.

And they yell at everything I do.

Every terrible thing I've
ever been called in my life,

in comedy,
has been by a young white girl.

Isn't that crazy?

Racist, I've been called racist a lot

and only exclusively by young white women.

And they call me that a lot.

I have learned, though, through the years,

white guys write this down.

If somebody calls you a
racist and you're not,

just know that you're not and walk away.

Don't defend yourself,
it never sounds great.

You're trying to say the right things

but you're panicking, man,
someone just called you racist

so you start firing out and it's just...

I've never had a good one,
it's, "You're racist."

I'm like, "What? I high
fived a black yesterday."

"I trust a China man with my clothing,

you're fucking racist."

I know I'm not racist,
I do a lot of racial humor.

Why wouldn't I?
It's hilarious.

We're so different, remember this couple?

But racist, that's a
whole different thing,

that's trying to get people
all charged up about shit,

you know what I mean?

I'm not trying to get people all fucking-

I'm trying to make people laugh together,

you know what I mean?

I would be as confused as
anybody if I did a racial joke

and the crowd didn't laugh
and instead did this.

I'm like, "No, no, no, no, no.

What you guys doing? What are you doing?"

They're like, "He's right.
No, this guy's right.

We need to take back the streets."

It's like, "No, no, no, no.

What do you guys- Stop."

"Let's move."

I've been called a Nazi a lot too, a lot.

Probably not the most,

but maybe the most of any
other Jewish person in history.

That's how dumb social justice people are.

They just wanna call you something so bad

that it doesn't matter
what the- it's stupid.

And every time a social
justice warrior has gone,

"You're a Nazi."

I always say, "Actually, I'm Jewish"

And I swear to God, this
is usually their answer,

"You think that means
you can't be a Nazi?"

I'm like, "Yeah, it's like
the whole thing, man."

"It's like THE thing."

They're puzzled, "You think
simply 'cause you're Jewish,

you can not be a part of the Nazi party?"

You're gonna fucking die on that hill?

Also, they're calling me a Nazi

and they know me from comedy.

What Comedy Nazi people?
That was not even a thing.

"Hey Dieter, can you cover
my shift to the gas chamber?

I have a tight new five I want to try out,

laugh out loud Auschwitz."

No, it can't be all Holocaust,
you know what I mean?

It can't be 100% Holocaust,
there's gotta be the downtime.

Can't just kill Jews all day

and not laugh once in a while, it's dark.

I got yanked off a stage by my ankles

in Royersford Pennsylvania,

because of a young white woman.

Yeah, because of her
not by her, thank God.

Although that would be way funnier.

It was her brother who did it,

her brother yanked me off stage.

And they're both pieces of shit, trust,

but I do have to say,

ever so slightly,
in this brother's defense,

he was drunk and he thought
he was protecting his sister

because in fairness to him, verbally,

I was dunking on this bitch.

She was dumb as a doornail

and just walked into every one,
over and over again.

Dumb as the day was long.

She was on one before I even
went on stage, honestly,

she was yelling that
everybody there was a racist,

at this big comedy show.

"Everyone here's a racist," she says.

22 or 23-year-old white girl.

And she kept going on and on

and I was trying to talk to her,

now when I see somebody or hear
somebody not enjoying a show

and I can see them,

instinctually, I always
try to talk to them.

Now it's not to like humiliate them,

I believe there's a
misunderstanding here somewhere

I'm not trying to piss anybody off,

I'm trying to make you
laugh so if I talk to 'em

maybe I can get 'em
involved and have some fun.

Nah, this chick was wretched.

She could not be stopped

and she was like,
"Everyone here's a racist."

And I'm like, "Miss, come on,
statistically impossible."

"It would be a rally."

And she kept going on and on,

and then she kept going into her phone

which is very rude at a comedy show,

you could see it, the
phone face is lighting up

and I just go, this is
where I took my left turn.

Pointing over to her and I go,

"Miss, who are you texting
that's so important?"

And I thought that was gonna get

a good back and forth going,

it was the beginning of the end.

She goes, "Sorry everyone,

I was just texting my black boyfriend,"

which is a weird way to put it.

She's trying to stoke everybody up

but unfortunately it's not 1951.

No one's like, "What? No!"

No one gave a shit, not one person cared.

Yet, comedically, she's throwing that lob

right over the basket, baby,
I gotta knock that down.

That's comedy 101, that's an easy one.

I'm texting my black boyfriend?

I was like, "Why, does he make you

hit him up every half hour

so he knows how long he has
to get bitches outta the house?"

Yeah, she hated it.

I thought she was gonna laugh,
but she hated it.

And then I'm trying to plead with her

I'm like, "Miss, what are
you getting so upset about?"

She's making all the noises-
"Pfft. Chhh."

And I'm like, "Miss, I'm
just fucking with you.

I don't know you or your boyfriend,

I'm sure you're both lovely people.

Please, stop being a cunt."

"I'm trying to work with you

and try, just have fun with us."

And she goes, "Sorry, I
guess I'm just being hormonal

because I'm pregnant with a black baby."

And I was like, "Well, that sounds like

your father's nightmare,
miss, not so much my concern."

"Are you practicing your speech on me?

Because I don't know if
it's gonna go the same."

And then her mom chimed in.

Her fucking mom was there,

but her mom stood up, did a
heel turn on the daughter,

she turned on her and she
goes, "Sorry everybody,

my daughter's drunk and behaving crazy.

I don't know why she's acting like this,

but she's lying and she's drunk.

She's not pregnant at all."

And I thought that was crazy.

And I was like, "Miss, is that true?

Are you not pregnant?"

And she goes, "That's right, everybody.

I'm not pregnant because
I had an abooooortion."

And she said it all spooky
like that, I swear to God,

"An abooooortion."

And then I was like,

"Well, miss, for being so
worked up about racism,

you're the only person here

who just confessed to killing
a black person, so..."

And the logic fried her brains

and she screamed for the heavens.

Security ran over to her

and her brother yank me
off stage by my ankles.

It was worth it,
in hindsight, it was worth it.

I'm always surprised at the shit I get.

I really do, I never understand,

I've been called so many terrible things.

I'm actually, this would
surprise a lot of my fans.

I hope this doesn't upset you either

but, I mean, we are at Skank Fest,

but I consider myself to be pretty woke.

I don't know when it was like a bad word,

like, "You're woke," like,
"Sure, isn't everybody?"

Aren't you what you believe woke would be?

Does anybody want bad to happen to people?

No, I'm fucking woke.

I've made changes in my
life based off woke shit.

Now, comedy I won't make
a lot of concessions,

but I don't say tranny anymore in life

'cause enough trans people
have said it bothered-

but now in comedy, all day
long, too good of a word.

It's hilarious, it rhymes with a lot,

But in life I say trans now.

So where I'd be like,
"Hey, that's a tranny bar."

And I didn't mean anything bad by it,

I thought that was the word.

Now I'll be like, "It's a trans bar."

I don't mean anything different,

either way, it's a place where these

freaks and weirdos go
to do Christ knows what.

And we all kind of want
to know what, don't we?

But not like being a,
what, fly on the wall what.

Oh, the smells, I bet.

Did you fall sir?

Are you just committed
to sitting on the ground?

That's the weirdest thing

I've ever seen somebody do in my life.

Did the chair break?

Damn, you're a big dude too, right?

What a nightmare.

I'm actually projecting my worst nightmare

onto you right now.

And then being the guy who was like,

"Boy, I sure hope no one calls it out

in front of a full room of people,

that I fatly went through a chair."

Outside of a comedy club
once, I sat in a chair,

started to feel it break,

just calmed myself and stood back up

and I go, "Next guy's problem."

There is no thickness,
ironically, amongst fat people.

I mean, you have to get
a chair, that's insane,

you're just gonna sit on the floor

in a pile of broken chair?

It is not your fault, dude,
it was a flimsy chair.

What do you say to
someone that happens to?

"Dude, we rented those!"

Did we rent those?

Real talk, did we write those?

Yeah?

- Yeah, we rented them.
- Yeah?

Damn, dude. You just cost
me 30 bucks probably, bro.

Real nice, you're a piece of shit.

You ruin every holiday with this.

Can he not get up?

Because now it seems weird.

Tell me we have to cut a wall out

and I will make this a two hour special.

Yeah.

Don't worry, dude, we welded this one.

Oh, now he's gotta get up,
big guy, in front of everybody.

Oh my god, this is a nightmare.

Oh my god, oh my god.

What are we clapping
for? Reinforced steel.

Don't worry about it, dude,

it was bound to happen to someone here.

Just happened to be you, bro.

Who are you with, you by yourself?

- Yeah.
- That sucks.

That sucks, such shit.

You got a good job, I might be able

to still pitch you to the
40-year-old back there.

Are you allergic to cat litter?

'cause that room's a little dusty.

How old are you, dude?

- [Audience Member] 37.

Why'd your voice crack?

Oh, you're screaming, you've
been screaming for two days.

37, that's cool.

Is that too young for you, 40?

Hm, say again.

- [Audience Member] Too young.

It's too young? 37?

What do you think you've learned?

You probably just stopped using teeth

in a blow job five years ago yourself.

You like older guys?

- Umm, sure.
- You don't give a at all.

Are you a lesbian?

- [Audience Member] No.

Did you ever try?

No? Do you think you'd hate it?

- [Audience Member] I don't know.

You don't know?

That's nice, fucking open mind.

There's probably someone here
that'll dyke out with you.

The crowd's just patiently
waiting to see if it happens,

just so you know, they're
not not enjoying the show

they're like, "Where is this going?

Is this... Planted two lesbians.

If you are such lesbians,

why don't you dyke out
right up here on stage?"

There you go, there you go.

You may have heard me
say this before on shows,

but I've been a part of...
My girlfriend's bisexual,

so I've been part of
a bunch of threesomes,

but the girls always have to start

and then the funniest thing is

the guy has nothing to
do during that time.

So while girls are literally
fingering and making out,

somewhere in the background

is a fat guy in a tank
top filling ice trays,

and then being the first
one laying on the bed

in Bert fucking Reynolds pose.

"You girls comfy yet?"

"Let me take off my pinky
ring before I lose it in you."

I'm rooting for you 40,
but you don't even want a man.

What do you do for a living?

- [Audience Member]
I'm a police dispatcher.

You're a what?

- [Audience Member] A police dispatcher.

You're a police detective?

- [Audience Member] No, police dispatcher.

Police dispatch?

That's pretty cool,
I thought you said police detective

and I'm like, "Ah, come on."

Don't get shitty.

I got, a young feminist group came after me

for a joke I made about female
police officers on the radio.

They came at me hard for this, jokes,

I was making jokes about them,
and they were furious.

And I didn't get it.

I got a lot more heat than
I ever got on the internet

so I was like, "You know what, let me

take this joke around the country

and I'll tell it to audiences,

and we'll let the market
decide if it's so bad."

And mostly people just
laugh when I tell this

but I don't know, dispatch,
you might hate it,

but for the most part people
just love it and laugh.

But I will say one night
in Liberty Township, Ohio,

a young white woman did
solve the riddle for me

of what's the problem with this joke,

but first I'll tell you what
I said about the female cops.

I was talking about the show "Cops",

and that I watch the show "Cops" a lot,

or I should say I watchED
the show "Cops" a lot.

They took it off the
air, do you know that?

They canceled "Cops".

Do you remember why? Black Lives Matter.

- [Audience] Yeah.
- Yeah.

Weird response, I thought.

I'm like, "Oh, you're just gonna
murder random black people?

Well, then we're not
gonna film it anymore.

How about that?"

I'm liked, "I don't know if
that's the right answer."

No, no, no more witnesses,
left to your own devices.

No, no, no, wait, "Cops" don't leave."

"Cops."

But I was saying that I
watched the show "Cops" a lot.

And simply, if it's an episode

where they're following
a female police officer

that you should-

Yo, that is deafening silence.

I feel the women are already
waiting to get angry,

don't do that.

Submit to it, let yourself-

You know what, lemme
give a little disclaimer

before I jump right into this.

I feel like everyone's on edge
a little bit for this one,

I set it up weird for sure.

But lemme give some disclaimer

and let you know about me, the person,

'cause I was called a misogynist
for this and this sucked.

I hated getting called a misogynist

'cause women are very
important to me in my life.

My entire support system,

besides my stepfather, has
been women my whole life.

My mother and grandmother
raised me for many years,

I have amazing sisters,
my daughter's unbelievable.

My girlfriend, my ex-wife,

all these women who've lined
me up to be where I'm at,

I would be nowhere without them.

They're all amazing and I think

they could do anything in the world,

but, with that said,

I watch the show "Cops" a lot

and if it's an episode
where they're following

a female police officer...

All right, one more disclaimer.

Lemme just walk this out,

separate the art from the artist

for five seconds, could you?

I believe, me, Jay Oakerson believes

that a woman can do pretty
much any job in the world

that a man can do, at least
as good, if not better.

I think that's true, I think
the best doctors in the world,

the best lawyers, scientists,
heads of business, industry,

all could be women.

President of the United States
even, how about that?

Yeah, a lot of people
say they don't believe me

when I say that but I
think it's very possible

that a woman can do the job

of President of the United States better

than any man's ever done it.

Yeah.
But I watched the show "Cops" a lot

and if it's an episode

where they're following
a female police officer,

don't go anywhere.

Buckle yourself in and watch,
it's gonna be a good episode.

Somebody's gonna have to
eventually be shot or tased

to stop this poor woman

from being windmilled down the
street in a polyester outfit.

It happens 100 out of 100 times

and it's funnier every time.

They're scrappy, those girl cops,

they're always in the
bottom of the pile like,

"I had 'em, I had 'em."

The dude cops are always
like, "Beat it, Sharon,

you're lucky we got here."

It's like, "Officer Sharon,
and he's lucky you got here."

And I asked the question on radio,

I had the audacity, I
guess, to ask the question.

This is the part, by the way,

if you're wondering where this went left,

it was this comment.

I asked the question,

besides checking pussies for drugs,

which by the way is a job.

Somebody has to check
the pussies for drugs,

great place to hide drugs.

I don't know if you know this

but if you get like black dick deep,

there's like chambers and shit.

Not me, I'm all front of the pussy

but, I will say, while my dick is not big

it would be a lot of cocaine.

You know what I mean?

A felonious amount of cocaine.

So someone's gotta check
the pussies for drugs.

But besides checking pussies
for drugs, I simply asked,

what can a girl cop do?

Yeah, shuts the room off.

No guy wants to laugh at that

or even think about it
next to your furious lady.

But what I'm just asking,
can we put it in a-

What's your name, dude?

- Randall

Randall. You're a big dude,

would you take a hypothetical
walk with me real quick, bro?

- 100%.
Thank you, Randall.

Randall, let's say you've
committed some crimes, dude,

but this is bad stuff, okay?

I want you to picture you've
done something fucked-up.

If the cops catch you you're
going away for a long time.

I wanna get you in the head space,

let's say you killed a hooker by accident.

You didn't mean to but she
never said the safe word,

but you saw the lights go out,
you piece of shit,

but you didn't finish yet
and then you did finish

and you panicked and
you buried her shallow.

Your prints and jizz
are all over this thing.

If they catch you you're going
away for a long time, dude,

they got you dead to rights.

You're on the run, but on this
particular day you fucked-up.

You let your guard down and they got you.

The cops have surrounded you,

there's nowhere to run,
cop cars everywhere.

But out of these cop cars emerge
all female police officers,

and they get on that speaker
thing and they say some shit,

they're like, "Me and my cop
girlfriends are here to drag you in."

"Come on, girls."

Randall, how many girl
cops can you take, dude?

Oh, wait, wait, wait, before you answer.

Lemme give you a little more information,

'cause I've asked this
to a lot of crowds now

at this point, been a lot of Randalls.

And oftentimes before they answer

they wanna know one more
piece of information,

and that is, do they have guns?

And that's a good question and
it might change your answer,

and the answer, Randall,
is yes, they do have guns.

They're police officers, females no less.

But before you change your
answer, let's be honest, dude,

they're not gonna get those heavy ass guns

out of that complicated belt, dude,

this is chicks we're talking about.

We're talking about broads, dude,

you'll be miles away by the time

she two-hands that
cannon out of her pocket.

So we'll say guns are present,
yes, but not a factor at all.

How many, Randall? Throw me a number.

- Maybe two.

Maybe two.

Modest, I like that.

Well, you thought you were probably gonna

impress the girls in here, but
they still hate that answer.

Anything over one they wouldn't accept.

I'll get you off the hook, dude.

For myself, I say no less than
101 female police officers.

Bring them on.

And everyone goes,
"No way, Jay, you're too fat.

You're gonna run outta breath."

But here's the thing,

I got a pretty good plan
in place, I think, Randall.

I'm lining the first 100
up in 50 rows of two,

and I'm just walking down the
middle chopping off heads,

just double clotheslines
down the pike, pow!

And then the 101st, that last one,

I'm gonna practice unconventional
wrestling moves on.

You know what I mean?

Real crowd-pleaser shit
you couldn't do with a guy.

I'm gonna hold her up in a vertical suplex

and work the audience,
"You fuckers wanna see it?

You sick fucks wanna-"

And then I'll casually check
which cop car is working best

and steal it leisurely.

And I said all that on radio,
and it went bad.

I didn't get it so I took it on the road,

told it a bunch of places

and then one night,
Liberty Township, Ohio,

this young white girl follows
me outside after the show.

Tight ponytail, swinging,
pretty girl, bitch face.

She comes up next to me
while I'm talking to people

and she goes, "Hey, asshole."

And I knew she met me, which sucked.

There was a lot of assholes there
but I could tell that was...

And if you guys know
you, this is Skank Fest,

you guys know me, if you know
me well enough from here,

you know that girl was, "Hey, asshole,"

I still turn around and go,

"Hey, thanks for coming to the show."

Fucking jerk-off I sound like,

"Hey, you, wacky show, right?"

I'm trying to be nice and she goes,

"Ew, no, you're disgusting."

And she's trying to like humiliate me

in front of these people and I'm like,

"What's your problem, Miss?

Why are we fighting?"

And she told me.

With her arms folded,
she asked me the stupidest

question I've ever been asked in my life.

She showed me with this
question what the problem was

with this joke that I was getting into,

and she meant this.

No levity in her heart at all.

Folded arms, waiting
for an answer she goes,

'You really think you could take on

101 female police officers?"

That was the whole problem,
this dummy thought it was real.

It's the dumbest question I've
ever been asked in my life.

The dumbest and I'll tell you

that when my daughter was four years old,

she asked me if we're
supposed to eat our own poop.

Not even can we or should we,
are we supposed to.

With the tone of she already
tried it didn't seem right,

if she wanted to run off
the flagpole one more time

with her old man, see what all the buzz-

"Hey pop, we're not-

Yeah, right, I didn't think so.

Okay, all right, double checking."

That's the second dumbest question now

because she was a child.

As an adult woman walked
up to me and say that,

"You think you can take on
101 female police officers?"

I went, "No."

And then we just kinda
stared at each other

for 40 minutes, it was weird.

I'm like, "No."

She didn't have anything
beyond that, she's like, "Oh. I..."

If that's what she needed

I could go home and write a letter,

I go, "You're gonna hate
comedy if that's the problem."

Listen, comedy, some of it's real,
some of it's bullshit,

some of it's a hybrid of both.

We have to rely on you,
the audience, to be,

dare I say, not retarded.

"Yeah, you can take on 100-"

"101 female police officers."

You're gonna leave every show pissed off.

"Why are we all laughing?

That guy said he came so hard

it blew hole in that
girl's head, it's a murder.

We're all complicit, we know too much."

Boyfriends always gonna be,
"I'll explain it later, babe.

It's not even a thing."

"No, he's a killer."

Some of it's real, some of it's
bullshit, some of it's both.

I don't know, I mean, you don't need

101 female police officers
for a real example.

One out of shape Rhonda Rousey

could probably beat me up in record time.

I'd guess you couldn't start a stopwatch

in how fast you'd have
me begging for mercy.

Make me call my dad and tell him I'm gay,

"I'm gay, daddy.

It's me, ow! She's breaking my knee."

"Oh God, your little boy's a princess."

"I am. It's him, it's him."

That's real, but isn't
it also funny sometimes

if someone's like,
"Hey, how about Rhonda Rousey?"

And I go, "Tell her to
bring the two bitches

she's most afraid of and I'm
gonna fuck all three of 'em up.

How about that?"

"I'm gonna make him kiss
on camera afterwards.

Yeah, kiss you muscly sluts."

It doesn't even matter what
we say, it's all fictitious.

We put cigarettes out on 'em, who cares?

It's not real.

So I say this in hopes that
everyone leaves knowing,

if maybe you didn't
like some of the content

or things I've been saying,

then I hope it makes
you feel better knowing

that I know for sure

I cannot beat up 101
female police officers.

No way. Randall, I'm more like you, dude.

Let's say two, three maybe.

I assume by that point

they're gonna get a weapon or something,

you know what I mean?

Or maybe they'll put
their bird brains together

and get a dude, that's
another way to solve it.

Solve that whole female
cop problem with one guy.

Doesn't even have to be a
guy cop, just some dude.

Could be you, Randall,
doesn't have to be a hero.

It's the most fun joke I've ever written.

I'll tell you why,

'cause just when I'm reeling them back in

one more kick in the chonch.

Fuck you, bitch,

I don't wanna have to
explain it every time.

Yo, Skank Fest, thank you
so much for being part

of one of the most special
days of my life, man.

Thank you so much.

Goodnight, Skank Fest.

- [Audience] Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay

Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay

Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay.