All language subtitles for 1_family.guy.s23e06.1080p.web.h264-successfulcrab[EZTVx.to]_English

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

[TV announcer]
We now return to Jack Ryan,

starring the guy who used
to smirk a lot on The Office.

Jack, we launched the drone
strike against the terrorists

like you suggested,
but hit a hospital instead.

What are you doing?
Six people died.

[laughs] Oh, I get it.

The joke is his hair
isn't fully combed.

Wait, what happened?

Oh, your mom bought an app
that cuts power to the TV

once I've reached
my daily screen time limit.

[Lois] Peter, the app
says that--

-I know!
-Keep it down, guys.

I'm trying to land
a 757 in Dubai

with a crosswind
and a broken landing gear.

For the last week,
Brian's been getting into

some stupid flight simulator
game.

It's not stupid.
And I'm fairly amazing at it.

Earlier, I landed in Texas,

not gonna tell you the city
'cause it affects the joke,

but when I landed, I said,

"Houston, we don't
have a problem."

What? What was the city?

[tires squeal]

And another perfect landing.
Check it out.

Oh, I can't even look at screens
over shoulders.

-Lois said.
-[Lois] Peter, the app just--

I'm not looking!

All right, time to finally
organize this closet.

Let's see what we got. Uh...

Packaging from every
Apple product we own

'cause it seems too nice
to just throw away.

Oh, look it's Mommy's
old Easy-Bake Oven

from when she was a girl.

If it's not big enough for you
to stick your head in,

I have no interest.

Stewie, you might like
playing with this.

Ooh, I'll go get a rag
to clean it.

Don't bother. I don't need
your stupid garbage girl toys

from the 1940s, grandma!

I love trucks and dinosaurs--

Oh, my God, Rupert, I've always
wanted an Easy-Bake Oven!

Oh, I haven't been this excited
since we watched

the series finale of Caillou.

["Don't Stop Believin'"
by Journey playing]

[entry bell rings]

♪

♪ Don't stop believin' ♪

[entry bell rings]

♪ Hold on to that feelin' ♪

♪ Street lights, people ♪

♪ Oh, ah ♪

-[entry bell rings]
-♪ Don't stop-- ♪

Huh. Looks like
Jerome's switching

to all recycled paper goods.

Joe, don't punish us just
'cause you forgot your phone.

I didn't forget it. I asked
Bonnie why she looked so tired

and she hucked it in the pool.

Whew, pretty windy out there.

Feels like 21 knots coming in
from the southwest.

Right, Quagmire?

What-- What is this?

Ah, nothing, I'm just talking
a little shop with you

now that I've officially
entered your world.

"Entered my world"?

Yeah, I've been
totally crushing it

on this flight simulator app,
and now I realize

flying a plane is nowhere
near as hard as I thought.

Brian, don't belittle
the expertise my job requires.

Playing a game on an iPad
and flying a commercial airliner

are two very different things.

Whoa, running into
a bit of headwind here.

Brian, there is no way you
could ever do what I do.

Has anybody ever made a joke

about the quality
of paper straws?

Because I just thought
of a pretty hot take.

[chimes]

Stewie, what is that
incredible smell?

Just a simple pizza I thought
Rupert might like.

You know, since he's
a basic little bitch

who shops at Filene's.

Well, it's delicious.

Almost as good as Caserta's.

Thanks, but Caserta's
is no Arturo's.

Ever had Arturo's?

No, but nothing
can top DiPetrillo's.

Mr. DiPetrillo is from Sicily

and makes all the dough
by hand every morning.

Did I tell you I met him?

No, no, I would've remembered
because I wouldn't have cared.

Stewie, this is amazing pizza.

You know, I feel like maybe
you and I could open up

a really successful
boutique pizza place.

Are you serious? I'm in.

But mostly to get
a Michelin star.

It's always been my dream
to have my culinary talents

validated in print
by a tire company.

[engines whirring]

Okay, and final thing
before we push back,

which six seats do you want
to disable the TVs on?

-Morning, boys.
-Brian? What are you doing?

Only qualified personnel
are allowed in here.

Then why do all pilots
leave the door open

when people are boarding?

We-- We're supposed
to help hand out

mileage plan credit card
applications.

But why are you even here?
You're going to Orlando?

Yeah. I took what you said
the other night to heart

and I've enrolled in a flight
training school in Florida

called Huffman Aviation.

Isn't... Isn't that where
the 9/11 hijackers trained?

I don't know,
I just used a coupon.

Just take your seat.

-[clears throat]
-I-I mean,

would you like to earn 10,000
bonus miles by applying today

for the Transnational Airlines
Mastercard?

Hey there, how are you doing?

Just so you know,
as of this year,

I'm allowed to hit you
as hard as I can.

Out of my way!

-[retching]
-Jim, are you okay?

I think he's got food poisoning.

It must've been that
sack lunch of leftover shrimp

from his niece's wedding.

Well, thank God
you didn't have any.

Well, actually, he kept waving
the bag in my face and asking,

"Does this taste funny to you?"
I-I didn't want to be rude.

-[gurgles]
-[moans]

Ah! It's coming!

Don't worry, Quagmire,
I can take over.

-Are you crazy? You could
never in a million yea--
-[farts]

Ah! Son of a bitch!

Dammit! Get out of the way!

I'm gonna have
to take a boy band.

-What does that mean?
-"In sink."

I also would've accepted
"back-streak boys."

And it's definitely coming out
at "98 degrees"

in "one direction."

In any case, it's all gonna
sound and smell terrible.

-[moans]
-I'm taking over.

No, Brian, don't you
touch anything!

Look, I got this.

Ladies and gentlemen,
prepare for landing.

[female passenger]
Hey, my TV stopped working.

[male passenger]
And now mine's working.

[screaming]

-Lower your flaps more and...
-[farts]

-...ease off the throttle.
-Roger that.

[screaming]

[cheering]

I don't believe it.
He actually pulled it off.

Welcome to Orlando.
And as a reminder,

there are a few passengers
who have a very short turnaround

to meet their drug dealers,
so if you could clear the aise

and let them off first,
that'd be great.

-Excuse me.
-Pardon me.

-Thank you.
-Thank you, guys.

Today, we honor
two brave citizens

who showed coolness
under pressure

to get that plane
safely on the ground.

Now, if someone could hold
these giant scissors...

I needed them for
the thing before this,

and the thing after this,
but not for this.

Brian, Glenn, please accept
these keys to the city.

A lot about being mayor

is having enormous
junk drawer things.

[overlapping questions]

Gentlemen, Tom Tucker,
Channel 5 News.

Quite an honor
for you two today.

Is there a question in there?

Honestly, Tom, I was just
grateful to be on scene

-and able to help.
-Terrific.

So, two-part question
for both of you:

Brian, does the weather
outside today

-seem "comfortable"?
-No.

And, Glenn, if you were
a producer and you said

to your talent that it was
"comfortable" outside--

[producer]
Could've brought a coat, Tom.
I'm not your mother.

Well, that'll do it
from City Hall.

This is Tom Tucker
reporting live on the scene

because it's close
to my son's karate thing.

Hi, you two. I'm Keith, the
lowest-level executive possible

from Transnational Airlines.

Listen, you two are
great on camera together,

and people love this
feel-good story of heroism.

We'd like to send you both
on a multi-state press tour

to share your story.

Really? That'd be amazing.

Eh, I don't know...

It'll be great PR.
You saved a ton of lives.

You're actually friends.

And we could use
something like this

after that toilet flush
sucked in a baby.

Yeah, I'm not sure
a press tour is--

And I forgot to mention
that, as a pilot,

you are contractually obligated

to represent the airline
to the media.

-Oh.
-Come on, Quagmire,

we might actually have fun
together on a press tour.

I mean, crazier things
have happened.

Look at Pete Davidson's
love life.

I just text them back promptly.

That's it. That's the secret.

Stewie, the line is huge.

How did we get so many customers
right out of the gate?

Oh, I-I see,
you're calling us a pop-up.

Oh, yeah, you do that and
white people go frickin' crazy.

-I saw this place on Facebook.
-I saw it on TikTok.

I read a blurb
in Parade magazine.

Did you know LeAnn Rimes is
happier than she's ever been?

Can I get a slice?

Okay, let's start
with the easy one:

we don't do "slices."

Next, you can start
by scanning the QR code

to enter yourself in the raffle.

Ooh, is that an Android? Here.

What's this, your website?

No, it's the number
for Domino's.

Take a hike, idiot.

[announcer] Domino's. We meet
the legal definition of "pizza."

Pharmacy.

Refill a prescription.

Refill a prescription.

Representative.

Speak to a representative.

Will you quit
doing personal crap

and focus on our interview?

Okay, we're almost ready,

but just so we get
the on-screen labels correct,

you're the one
who landed the plane,

and you're the one
who pooped in the sink?

[sighs]

[theme music playing]

Welcome back
to Good Morning, Akron,

Ohio's only
opioid-free morning show.

Brian, Glenn, how do you prepare
for an emergency like this?

Well, all pilots
are highly trained--

There's no training
for a moment like this.

You're just relying
on pure gut instinct.

But when you've landed at
as many airports as I have--

On an iPad.

--you draw on that experience--

It's an app that costs $2.99.

--to the point where it's
almost like muscle memory.

You can also get
the app for free,

but you have to sit through
a lot of ads for the Army.

These guys are good.
We gotta get this on the road.

-Wheels up, Jack.
-It's Jacqueline now.

And back to HR I go.

You know, when you take off,
you never think

you're gonna see your pilot
pooping in the sink.

But a real hero knows
that's when you have to step up.

Well, it's a good question,
but I think I knew

within a couple minutes
of taking the first bite.

You only end up using
like three of those buttons.

I thought those guys
were, like, geniuses.

Well, I've read that shrimp is
actually supposed to be cooked

to 140 degrees Fahrenheit.

[imitates plane engine]

[imitates tires squealing]

[chuckles] I-I can't do
the noises, but y-you get it.

[moans]

Diarrhea, diarrhea, diarrhea.

I can't do the noises,
but you get it.

Stewie, check it out.

Dave Portnoy
from Barstool Sports

just tweeted he's coming
to our restaurant tomorrow

to do one of his
One Bite Pizza Reviews.

Awesome. Who's Dave Portnoy?

He's like if a high-school
athlete got one genie wish.

But he also happens to be
one of the most influential

pizza place kingmakers
on the internet.

Really? Chris, that's fantastic.

I know.

And we better get started now,

'cause he likes
his pizza extra crispy.

Uh, wh-- what was that?

Oh, this is not good.

The light bulb in
the Easy-Bake Oven burned out.

That's fine, we have tons of
light bulbs in the house.

Chris, we're in trouble.

This is a custom bulb
from the 1960s.

It's 200 watts

and made with 40% lead.

There's literally nobody

who would have
a light bulb this old.

There might be one person.

Oh, there you are, Jesse.

♪

Man, Arnie is
so excited for you guys

to do this ad for him.

So, what, now we're pitchmen?

Guys, this is free advertising
for the airline,

and we could
use the distraction.

We, uh... we dragged another
Asian doctor off a plane.

Okay, let's roll it.

Hi, I'm local hero
Brian Griffin.

And I'm
Glenn "Diarrhea" Quagmire.

If you're looking to buy a car,

you want to make
a smooth landing,

not take a dump in the sink.

That's right. So, come on down

to Brockner Toyota
for some explosive deals.

If you're hunting for a car,

don't pull a "Quagmire."

Sorry, sorry,
what the hell is this?

Oh, Mr. Brockner always likes
to have some humor in his ads.

Humor? Some fat guy
pretending to be me

pooping in a sink is the humor?

Damn it, Brian, that's enough.

I was in the military,

and I have worked
for 25 years in aviation.

My whole life,
I dreamed that someday,

maybe I'd even have my own
Sully Sullenberger moment.

But it'll never happen now.

Have you tried Googling me?
It's just this!

Yeah. Wow, and if you
Google Image "diarrhea,"

it's just pictures of
you and George Brett.

Not only am I not getting
the respect I deserve,

but I'm the punchline in a story

where you're the hero. You!

You know what, I quit.

Wait, you can't
quit the press tour.

It's in your contract.

Plus, we've still got
one more event to do.

Oh, I'm finishing
the press tour.

A pilot always lands the plane.

I meant that
I quit being a pilot.

Where are you going?

To be alone and think.

This is how pilots do it.

♪

I bought a mattress
at the wrong store.

[announcer]
Don't "Quagmire" the bed.

Shop the Weekapaug Sleep Outlet.

This mattress commercial

feels very similar
to that car commercial.

[trash can rattles]

What the hell's Quagmire doing?

It looks like he's throwing away
all his pilot uniforms.

Yeah, he, uh...

he said he was quitting his job.

I think the press tour's
been a little rough on him.

He's throwing out
the pants, too?

Those are just blue pants.
Someone could wear those.

"Rough on him?"
In... in what way?

I don't know,
like maybe he feels bad

I stole his thunder
by landing his plane.

This shirt
with those blue pants?

Could be a sweet look
for the club.

Well, I watched
those interviews, Brian.

You weren't exactly
gracious to him.

Or maybe the night
before a wedding.

I'm getting those pants.

Lois, this is not my fault.

Was I supposed to
not land that plane?

And, come on, it's not like
Quagmire's a saint.

You know what he's like.

Yes, we all know
the bad things about Quagmire,

but you took away
his one good thing.

If nothing else, he's always
been an outstanding pilot.

It's the only thing anyone
ever respected about him.

Lois is right, Brian.

Wearing that pilot's hat
means something.

It's one of
the few remaining hat jobs.

[sighs] You guys are right.

I gotta fix things
with Quagmire.

In fact,
I'm gonna see him tomorrow

for our last press appearance,

and I know just how
to make things better.

Is the room getting spinny
to anyone else?

Peter, take those pants off.

I can't, my arms are numb.

♪

So, what's the plan? We just ask

for one of his light
bulbs from the 1960s?

Oh, no way.

Mr. Herbert's really weird

about his possessions.

He lived through the Depression,

so he hangs onto everything.

Oh, well, look who it is.

Do come in.

What brings you boys by?

Actually, Mr. Herbert,

I, uh, noticed
a new mole on my thigh

and wanted to ask
if it looks misshapen to you.

[gulps]

Well, let's have
a little look-see.

Oh...

♪

There's not one book in here
that's a real book.

[strains]

Ah! Damn it.

There it is. What do you think?

Merciful heavens.

[moans]

Ah, got it.

-[muffled shouting]
-Do you hear

those muffled cries
in the next room?

It's the TV.

Doesn't sound like the--

We've got pizza to make.
It's the TV.

♪

Look, I know you're still mad,

but this is our last event,

so let's make the best of it.

[gasps]

-[crowd exclaims]
-Oh, my God. Is he okay?

Say, will you look at that?

Seems like maybe
it's someone's big chance

to step up and be the hero.

What? What's going on?

I may have unplugged
his insulin pump,

but I'm guessing somebody
knows how to drive this thing.

Why the hell would I know
how to drive a boat?

I don't-- I mean,

isn't it all
kind of the same thing?

♪

[screaming]

You really "Quagmire'd"
this whole thing, Brian.

God, now I'm doing it.

♪

Dave Portnoy's gonna be here
any minute to do his review.

Oh, God, I think that's him.

Hey, how you doing?

Dave Portnoy
from Barstool Sports.

Wow. Welcome, Mr. Portnoy.

Aw, come on, please.
Call me Dave.

"Mr. Portnoy" is how I'm
referred to in court documents.

Well, we are
very excited for you

to "One Bite Review"
our pizza... Dave.

[sniffs]
Whoa, spectacular undercarriage.

Zero flop. I am hopeful.

Oh, this pizza's amazing.

Once I post my review,

you guys'll have a line
from here to Boston

filled with nothing but
UFC fans and insurrectionists.

Did you hear that, Stewie?

We're gonna be rich.

Sorry, but the health
department sent me over

-to ask a few questions.
-Okay.

-Do you have a business license?
-No.

-Do you have
proper refrigeration?
-No.

Did either of you
wash your hands

-before making this pizza?
-No.

Have either of you
ever washed your hands?

-No.
-Are either of you

currently crapping your pants?

-Yes.
-A little bit, yes.

Okay, listen. I'm not here
to give you a hard time.

You're a small business.

I'm willing
to let this stuff slide.

Oh, uh, there's
one other question here.

Do you have
a handicap access ramp?

No.

You people are animals!

I'm shutting this place down.

Well, Chris, we had a good run.

We sure did.

Hey, Meg, where'd
you get those pants?

They were just on the ground.

Well, I'm off to the club.

♪

Come on, stupid boat.

Okay, I think
if I can just point us

a bit more that way...

Oh, crap,
it's the Block Island ferry!

[ship horn blows]

Aw, snap!

Don't try to
appear young right now.

[people screaming]

[ship horn blows]

[screaming]

[groaning]

[sighs]

Damn it, Brian,
look what you did!

What the hell were you thinking?

I'm so sorry, Quagmire.

I just saw
how much you'd been hurt

by all that had happened,

and I guess
I just wanted to give you

your Sully Sullenberger moment.

I clearly screwed that up,
but the truth is

you're a hero every day

just by getting people safely
to their destination.

Oh.

Wow. Thanks, Brian.

And, hey, on the bright side,

you saved all these people
on the duck boat.

The media will
definitely recognize you

as a hero now.

A duck boat helmed by

local diarrhea celebrity
Glenn Quagmire

collided with a ferry today,

blocking the only shipping lane
into Quahog Harbor.

The complete blockage will
result in months-long delays

in the delivery of goods,

including shipments of hops
for beer-making,

acne medicine,
and hair dye for men.

Mmm, this used to be a town

where a man could keep a secret.

♪

Well, Brian, thanks to you,

every store shelf
in town is empty,

but at least
you landed that plane.

No one can ever
take that away from you.

The FAA released data today
from the black box of a plane

that recently saw
an emergency landing

by civilian passenger
Brian Griffin.

According to
the newly recovered data,

the airplane's autopilot system

actually landed the plane

-and not Brian.
-[Quagmire] Ha!

That's our show for tonight.

And now,
the Channel Five theme music

while our audio guy
forgets to mute my mic.

♪

Anyway, as I was saying,

in exchange for sex,

I'll help advance your career.