Original subtitles

[yelling aggressively]

[stirring music]

Oh, crap.

There's only one man who can save us now.

I better get to him before it's too late!

[yelling aggressively]

["Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My Heart In Two)" by Doris Wilson playing]

[woman] Ladies and gentlemen,

the president of the Marjorie Caldwell Society of Arts and Music,

John Ballgram.

Good evening.

Tonight, we honor the life and the music of Mr. Herbie Hancock,

and if we're lucky,

we might even get him to come up here and play a little music for us.

But first, I do want to say, just for anyone who's concerned...

I don't think the dog that bit me should get put down.

I know that's protocol when a person falls

and a dog bites them, the dog gets put down...

but I don't think the dog should get put down,

because I know that's a service dog.

Otherwise, why would it be allowed in here,

and why would it be wearing that little blue shirt?

Okay, I just wanted to say that

so it didn't cloud the rest of the evening.

[audience member coughing]

The year is 1957,

on the mean streets of Chicago.

-My dog didn't bite you. -[murmuring]

What?

-My dog didn't try to bite you. -It didn't what?

He was trying to hump your head.

[laughter]

[Ballgram] It tried to bite me.

-It tried to bite the back of my hair off. -It was humping you, dude.

[laughter]

Uh...

Okay, Herbie can play.

Herbie can compose.

Herbie sees music in a...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, but, uh...

What do you even have?

-What? -What do you even have

that you have a service dog that's allowed in here?

-That's really none of your business. -That would be true

if your dog didn't try to bite the back of my hair off.

-You know what happened. -I don't.

And it's too bad we can't figure it out 'cause nobody has video or anything.

I took a video.

[murmuring]

Oh... fine.

-There's no way to watch it. -Tech guy can plug it in right there.

[man] Yeah!

Thanks, Herbie.

[applause]

Cool. All right.

Okay, here I am. Here I am.

I'm walking up the stage.

-There I trip a little on the stair. -[laughter]

And here comes a dog trying to bite me.

[laughter]

It's... It's trying to bite me!

It's trying to rip my hair out. What are you laughing at?

Oh, my God!

Are you saying that your dog has blue balls now?

You said it humped me.

Well, it certainly didn't finish, 'cause look.

-[audience groans in disgust] -It's dry.

And you know what?

You don't tape people.

What is this society, that we tape everything?

What's going on? Do we not live in the moment anymore?

We just tape everything from a phone?

I don't like that.

You know, that's what Herbie's music is against.

I don't know, man, I think the dog humped you.

[laughter]

That's why I love Herbie Hancock.

He loves to lie.

[band instrumental interlude playing]

["Blending Soul" by Soul Blenders playing]

We now return to the Channel 20 Christmas classic,

The Night Scrooge Saved Christmas.

[hopeful music playing]

[music reaches a crescendo]

Oh!

It's Christmas!

-Scrooge! -[stirring music playing]

Who are you?

I am the Ghost of Christmas Way Future.

I've already met the Ghost of Christmas Future.

I said Way Future, Scrooge!

-What are you here to show me? -Christmas in the year 3050.

Skeletrex and his Bone Brigade have enslaved the human race,

and we need your help.

What are you talking about?

Bonies are slaughtering humans by the millions,

taking their bones and using them to make more bone soldiers,

and, more important, fleets of bone cars.

-What--? -Frigging Bonies!

But I've got a plan.

We've got to kill Skeletrex.

He's huge!

He's 15 feet tall and he has bones the size of tree trunks.

-What-- -Oh, yeah, I almost forgot.

He carries a club made of lava.

-Damn you, Skeletrex! -[gun fires]

Oh, crap!

One of the Bonies made it through the Christmas portal.

Quick, Scrooge, bash him with your cane!

[skeleton screaming]

That's it, Scrooge.

Now, go ahead and eat that goop, Scrooge.

It'll give you the Bonie's sense of humor.

Oh, watch out, Scrooge! It's a bone larva.

Don't let it lay an egg!

[Scrooge] I don't know what to do!

Use your Christmas cheer and bash its fricking brains out, you idiot!

-[soldier laughs] -[bone larva moans]

Yeah, bash that bone larva!

Attaboy! That's good bone-crushing.

[hopeful music playing]

I think I'm beginning to get the hang of this.

Scrooge, you cheap bastard, you're a genius at this.

-[stirring music resumes] -Oh, crap!

The Bone Brigade is doing a bunch more bad stuff.

We're gonna have to go to the future.

Crap dang it, this sucks!

♪ Baby, baby, baby, baby, ba-ba-bay ♪

♪ Whoa, baby, baby, ba-ba-bay ♪

So do you like it out here?

You know, coming from the Midwest, I was unsure

-whether I'd like California or not. -Yeah.

But I got to say, I love it.

You know? The weather, obviously. -[woman] Mm-hm.

[man] It doesn't get any better.

And you think I'd miss the seasons...

[woman] Mm-hm.

But you know what? Sometimes I do,

but most of the time, I don't.

[chuckles]

-You excuse me for a second? -Mm-hm.

Can I talk to you for a second?

How can I help you?

My date's eating all the fully loaded nachos.

All the ones with the meat and cheese,

the ones that are fully loaded, she's hogging them,

so I'm mostly getting just, like, just chips.

Like mostly just chips,

like nothing on 'em,

but, like, a little bit of cheese and maybe one little nugget of meat.

-Okay. -Can you say something to her?

-Say what? -Maybe go up to the table

and just say like, "Hey, stop that."

Or like, "Hey, that's not allowed."

You want me to go over and say, "Stop eating the meat on the chips"?

No, just say the restaurant has a rule.

It's not you, it's a rule the restaurant has

that if you get an item to share, you can't...

One person can't just eat all the fully loaded ones.

Like, don't look around, find the one with most meat,

-and always eat that one. -Can't you just ask her to share with you?

Can't you just say the restaurant has a rule?

I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I'm like,

"Play your hits. Like, don't play the new stuff."

Yeah, I totally agree.

You go to a concert, and you want to hear the songs you love.

Right, exactly, like--

-Give me the good-time rock 'n' roll. -I want to sing along!

[man] Totally!

[both laughing]

This is really fun.

-This is so fun. -I'm glad we did this.

Are you enjoying everything?

-Yeah, everything's great. -[man] Yeah.

Uh... Okay.

Because we have a rule here that if you order nachos to share...

uh, one person can't just eat all the fully loaded nachos.

What's that? Say that again?

We have a rule that basically says

if two people order nachos to share...

one person can't take the ones with meat and stuff.

What? I've never heard anything like that before.

That is... so weird.

But I guess if that's a rule, thanks.

-Okay. -Hang on a second.

Did you ask him to come over here and say that?

What?

Did you ask him to say that?

[tense music playing]

What the hell are you talking about?

You got up,

you talked to him for a long time,

and then the minute you sit down, he comes over

and says that the restaurant has this rule.

No restaurant has a rule about who gets to eat what.

What?

[in emotional voice] I went up there

to ask if we could switch tables.

There's an air conditioner above this table,

and I was worried you were gonna get cold.

There's no vent above us.

What?

Did he ask you to come over and say that about the nachos?

-He did. -What?

I went up there to complain about the rule.

You just learned the rule!

-What? -He just came over here...

-Who? -Him!

What is going on?

We'll take the check.

We're gonna be so early for that movie.

I'm not going to the movie.

[in high-pitched voice] What?

["Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My Heart In Two)" by Doris Wilson playing]

[upbeat music playing on radio]

[mouths]

[car horn honking continuously]

[frenzied driver] That's me!

Me! That's me! Me!

-[continuous horn honking] -[tires screech]

Me?

Go around.

[continuous horn honking]

Just go around. I...

-[driver panting] -[continuous horn honking]

The third phase, we hit up Instagram and--

[distant car horn honking]

Uh...

-Um, the third phase, we-- -[distant car horn honking]

[continuous horn honking]

Sorry.

-[continuous horn honking] -[menacing music playing]

[snarling]

-[dog barking] -[continuous horn honking]

[frenzied driver] I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!

-My stomach hurts! -[continuous horn honking]

Help me, please!

[birds chirping]

[exhales]

[man] As painful and sad as today is...

let us not forget that it's also a celebration of life.

The life in this world...

and the life in our next world, in the ever after.

[car horn honking]

The deceased taught us all a lot about life.

-[priest's speech drowned out by honking] -Hey! Hey!

[priest's speech drowned out by honking]

[continuous car horn honking]

Oh, shit! Shit!

Shit! Shit!

Shit! Shit! No! No!

What the hell are you doing, man? Stop honking.

But I'm horny!

-What are you talking about? -I'm talking about

your "honk if you're horny" bumper sticker!

Can you help me out or not?

-How would I help you out? -I don't know! Do you have a solution,

like some magazines, or a calendar, or something?

-Why would I have that? -What?!

I thought that you worked for a service or a company

that helped out guys that are so horny

that their stomachs hurt!

'Cause that's what I am!

There's no service that does that!

[yelling in agony]

Stop moving around!

Why do you have that sticker on your car? What did you think was gonna happen?

I don't know why I got the fucking sticker, man!

I grew up in a small town.

-Things were hard. -[pensive music playing]

We needed to make little jokes.

I learned to make my car a little funny.

I'm sorry if I sent the wrong message,

like I was some sort of representative or something.

-So you don't have pornos and calendars? -No.

Then you need to take that sticker off your car.

Don't you dare! Don't you fucking touch it!

Stay away from my car! It's a classic!

-Do not touch me! -Don't touch my ride!

-Ohhh! -Shit!

-[driver] What do we got here? -Shut the fuck up!

-You had pornos this whole time? -Shut the fuck up. Just pick one and go.

I got to go over there and sing a song.

Come on, hurry up!

I've seen a lot of these!

-Just take-- -Thank you so much.

Seriously, this is honestly like--

-I'm sorry. -I just... I am sorry.

[inspirational music playing]

And now to sing a song, the son of the deceased.

♪ Friday night ♪

♪ I'm thinking that we just might ♪

♪ Fly away to someplace they don't know ♪

♪ Who we are ♪

♪ Now I'm riding shotgun in your car ♪

♪ We drive through the city Like explorers going 65 ♪

♪ Blowing hair flying across your face ♪

♪ We left on Friday, now it's Saturday ♪

♪ Pressed jeans buttoned up Jeans ironed slipping up ♪

♪ Rad shoes walking slow Headphones blaring 3-stacks ♪

♪ Sunglasses flaring out Dick watch hanging low ♪

♪ Studded belt, pole cut Three-stacks on the radio ♪

♪ Friday night ♪

♪ I'm thinking that we just might ♪

♪ Run away to someplace we ♪

♪ We can be who we are ♪

♪ We can be who we are ♪

I love you, Mom.

["Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My Heart In Two)" by Doris Wilson playing]

♪ There's a flame, a flame ♪

♪ A big flame in my heart ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ And believe me when I say It's burning hot ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ It's burning for you ♪

♪ Even though we are through ♪

♪ This big flame boy Is gonna break my heart in two ♪